Hello!
After having read so many great fics in this amazing fandom, I take a tentative first step in writing my first story.
To be honest, I am quite excited. I hope you enjoy it.
This will be a short fic of 3-5 chapters.
This Itanaru. I am still trying to figure out how to add pairing here. Reincarnation AU.
He understands loneliness much too well.
For such a silent thing, it always screams. It leaves deep marks on the soul, night after night. Like a monster that comes out of shadows, it follows him in his every waking footstep. Whispering in his ears of his worthlessness. Bitter murmurs that claw at his back.
Ever since he gained consciousness, he has only seen disdain in everyone's eyes. It took him too long to understand why.
I am not a monster.
He has said it to himself countless times, like applying the balm to a wound that has cut too deep. But, pathetic as it may sound, it feels like a kunai has skewered through his ribs and went straight to his heart.
I am not a monster.
He repeats. Looks into the mirror that reflects back blank pools of treacherous blues. Sometimes, they spill over, cascading down his bruised skin. Other times, they stare at him like a stranger.
Everywhere he goes, he can feel the layers of hatred surrounding him. Its burden is heavy on his tiny, malnourished shoulders.
So, really, Naruto has known loneliness all his life.
All he wants is to end this misery, this pain. He does not know yet how, but he wants it like he wants a desperate chance at a second life.
The first time he feels any hope of stopping this vicious cycle, he is starstruck. What is not to be spellbound, bewitched about the amount of respect a Hokage gets?
In his naivety, he only understands that the title makes people admire someone immensely. Especially his Jiji; after all, the old man is the only one who is kind to him. There are a few moments of relief from his ever-aching heart. And they happen when the third Hokage visits him. They are his favorite. And he makes up his mind. He is going to become Hokage one day!
He is not even a tiny bit shy about making that declaration openly. Every scoff and sarcastic remark hurt his skin like a whip, but he smiles anyway. Because he doesn't understand why he can't become Hokage. What is so difficult about it? He has never asked himself questions like what is a village? What does it mean to be a Kage? What does it mean to be a Shinobi? Or why does he even want to protect the people who always look past him, denying him his very existence? He only has to get stronger. Be at the top.
A dream born out of depths of despair and loneliness has no right for introspection. Naruto has no qualms being the village clown, the eternal prankster, in achieving his goal.
Slowly but surely, he gains hope in the form of the bond he gets with his Iruka sensei. Then comes his silent but smart Kakashi sensei, enveloped in the mystery of strength and his mask. Deep down, he knows his Genin teammates look down on him. But he is a boy with a burning desire to prove them wrong. So, he doesn't hold back on pursuing his silly crush on the pink-haired beauty. Nor does he refrain from challenging Sasuke every chance he gets.
Because Naruto knows loneliness. He knows Sasuke knows it, too. It is hopeless, or not really, because, in those obsidian eyes, Naruto can see the reflection of his pain. Perhaps it is his own stupid wish, but he wants to reach out to Sasuke, share in that pain, and make them both a little less lonely.
Sasuke has no such desires. His sole existence is centered on vengeance. All he seeks is revenge, a punishment for a crime so horrible that Naruto can not even fathom it. How can someone do something so cruel? Killing your own family, massacring your clan for strength?
When Sasuke is on the verge of death, gasping for his last breaths, he asks Naruto in a fractured voice. "Don't let your dream die."
And Naruto would do it. He has never known what it means to put someone's life above yours, but Sasuke did it without thinking, and Naruto would do anything to repay that debt. He chokes on his own sobs at one look at Sasuke's closed eyes. Regret fills his heart, knowing Sasuke died without killing his brother, without taking revenge, and has him drowning in the sea of rage.
He doesn't remember much after that, but when he comes back to his senses, he can hear Sakura breaking down on top of Sasuke's unmoving body. In her every anguished sob lies a world of ruins, a shattered dream.
His heart breaks in two.
But Sasuke is alive.
And Haku is dead.
Sakura is hopeful again.
After they return from the land of waves, he wonders about it and asks himself, "What does it mean to love someone so much?"
From the corner of his darkroom, the monstrous loneliness awakens. Lifting its head with a crackle that Naruto has not heard for a while.
He immediately leaves the house, seeking the light.
At least Sasuke is back to being a jerk. Though, Naruto can see him becoming gentler with Sakura. He hides his disappointment behind the goofy grins and taunts directed at Sasuke.
"You wanna fight, Dobe?"
"Bring it on, Teme."
Everything is back to normal. On the surface, that is.
He really should have expected that. He is dead last. Least wanted. Love is not going to find him. Why should Sakura be looking at him when Sasuke is there?
And for some reason, he is alright with it. Rejection is his way of life, and he has a mountain ahead of him that he still has to climb.
But that question… that question doesn't leave him alone. He just wants to know what it feels like to love so much that nothing else is visible. Love that consumes him.
And what if? What if that love is returned?
He had a piece of his soul crumbled away when he thought Sasuke had died. But when he sees Sakura in the prison of sand, everything but his goal to protect her becomes meaningless.
Protecting the people precious to him is the real essence of becoming strong. He has heard those words before, but only when he is put in the situation to do that - he truly comprehends them.
Gaara's eyes are similar to his, the vastness of emptiness and void. It automatically urges him to extend his hand to the boy. Not only a Jinchuriki, but a living, breathing human being.
Gaara takes it and welcomes his friendship, even though they are villages apart. Naruto understands that their bond will only strengthen over time. He has found another friend. Another reason to become less lonely. More human.
The loss still comes in the name of the Third Hokage. Naruto loses another piece of his soul. Nonetheless, he captures their precious memories and seals them away deep in his heart.
Now more than ever, he pushes back all thoughts of his sadness. The village needs a leader, and he is not strong enough. Not yet.
He has to become Hokage.
He has to.
Nothing else matters.
He has to get people to acknowledge him. He can almost envision his dream becoming a reality. With the new bonds he has now, it feels alive, within his reach.
He basks in the warmth of his new sensei, Pervy Sage. Really though, the man should come with his own warning. The old fool is hazardous to the entire female population. When he is not busy with his research, he is busy writing. And Naruto is sure that this medic-nin is also one of his perverted pursuits. When is he going to teach him anything?
His shadow clones are as restless as him. Meditation is not working, and concentration only takes him back to the place of resentment.
Truth be told, Naruto has had an uneasy feeling twisting in his gut ever since he left the village with the pervy sage. It is not the chakra of Nine tails flaring up. No, this is something different. He might be absent-minded, but he has learned not to ignore his gut feeling. And yet, he can put his finger on it as his skin itches with the anticipation of it, a wave of something intangible teasing it.
He tries to shake it off and dig deeper in his mind. It has not always been a pleasant place, but at least now, he is alright with the thought of it. To accept himself, broken as he is. He has come far.
The next moment, he isn't.
"Naruto, you are coming with us."
It is the calmest, deepest, and most beautiful voice Naruto has ever heard.
He shouldn't have opened the door. He shouldn't have.
Would that have stopped this potential disaster, though? No, this is complete and thorough destruction.
His own monster comes alive after ages, rising from behind as Naruto meets the loneliest yet coldest eyes. An even more enormous monster than his is clinging to this person's back. They howl together with the loud sound of wind crashing inside mountains, singing beautifully in the familiarity. As if they have known each other for centuries.
Sasuke?
His first thought is his friend's name. But Sasuke's loneliness doesn't resonate with Naruto. Not like this. Never like this has anyone touched his soul with a few words.
Naruto can not blink his wide eyes, and he can not look away from the pair of crimson ones. It is not the hypnotism of Sharingan. He knows.
He can't even pay attention to the other man.
And he takes a step outside the door without thinking, pulled by this yearning that he doesn't understand.
You are not a monster.
Naruto suddenly wants to say. If he could get his racing heart under control, he would.
Why does he know this?
Why?
Itachi.
The taller man speaks the name. Naruto is startled awake or thrown into some haze after hearing that name. He doesn't know. He doesn't care, not when Itachi is looking at him with eyes that give nothing away. And yet, Naruto has seen nothing so intense in his life.
Naruto only hopes that Itachi doesn't ask him again because he will follow him.
NOTE: Please let me know your thoughts.
