9-12
Chapter 9: gorgeous, isn't it?
Notes:
EDITED: 7.8.21
okay so major edits in this chapter--the title, the quote at the start, and also everyone's intoxication levels. they are all drunk now. the whole chapter. because why not. also remus is definitely a floppy, affectionate drunk. i modeled him after one of my friends who spends most of their time while drunk on the floor, and who also will probably never read this fic (but that's okay). love u all hope you like the new and improved chapter :))
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
"and all of the things i know
that your parents don't
they don't care like i do
nowhere like i do
nowhere like i do
'cause i care, i care about you
there's nowhere i'd rather be
than right here around you"
—"saturday nights," khalid
"Oh wow . This is it. This is my favorite song."
"That's what you said during the last song, Sirius."
"It's David Bowie, Remus. All of his songs are my favorite."
"Your favorite ? As in singular favorite? So all of his songs in one big long massive song is your favorite song. I wonder how long that would be. Probably really long I mean if all of his songs are like roughly four, five minutes long and then—"
"You need another drink."
Remus was sprawled out on their favorite couch, one leg thrown over Sirius' lap. When Sirius went to move, Remus gasped and bolted upright. " No , don't go. I'm so, so tipsy. I'm in the fun-zone . I'm…I'm a little dizzy."
Then, he crawled right into Sirius' lap, making himself comfortable and resting his head on Sirius' chest with a little sigh. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Remus recognized how odd it was that Sirius hadn't even made one comment about their position. Thinking back on it, Remus realized he had been a little off all evening. A little less loud, a little less enthusiastic. He figured it had something to do with his parents and the letter, and a familiar hatred for Sirius' relatives bubbled up inside of him.
Almost as if he could read Remus' mind, Sirius spoke.
"Moony?"
"Yes, Padfoot?"
"Do my parents think I'm weak?"
Remus looked up then, his brow furrowed. "Why would they think that?"
"Well, it's just that they're asking me back home to…to meet important people . I think that they want to recruit me. You know, get me in with Voldemort or whatever. But do they think I'm that weak?" Sirius' voice had dropped to a whisper now, barely heard over the music and chatter around them. Remus clung on to every word he spoke, a small frown on his lips. "I've left home, I don't stand for anything they stand for and they still think to make me come home? As if I'm—I'm cowardly enough to just leave behind my morals, my friends ?"
Remus didn't respond right away, merely looked at Sirius in silence for a moment longer. "I think they're scared of you. They know what side you're going to choose, and they know that they won't be able to control you anymore. Control who you are, what you say, what you do. You're a fucking brilliant wizard, Sirius. Anyone can see that you'd be an asset to their side."
"You get very philosophical when you're drunk," Sirius said, grinning at Remus.
"It's the lycanthropy."
"Oh, is it?"
Remus rested his head back on Sirius' chest. "Yeah."
Sirius chuckled a little nervously as Remus squirmed against him and brought his arms to wrap around Sirius tightly. "Getting comfy, are we?"
"Just having a little cwtch."
"A little what ?" Sirius felt more than saw Remus' smile. "Are you speaking Welsh to me?"
"'S just a cuddle, Pads."
Sirius enjoyed loud, high-energy parties, but in that moment he hardly even minded that he'd spent most of the evening with Remus curled up against him. Something about the way Sirius could feel the puffs of Remus' breath against the thin material of his shirt, or the way his fingers were tracing little lines and shapes against his back, made Sirius' heart want to burst.
Of course, their peaceful bubble didn't last for long.
"Padfoot! You weren't supposed to let him drink more than one!" That was James, materializing from bloody nowhere and still somehow mothering Sirius around despite the fact that he had to be at least as drunk as Sirius himself. "You know how he gets when he drinks right after the you-know-what. All floppy and clingy."
"He's always floppy and clingy when he's drunk," Sirius pointed out
"Yes but usually it takes a bit more than two Firewhiskeys to get him there."
"Stop being so responsible, Prongs," Remus murmured, looking up from his spot on Sirius's chest. "Go snog your girlfriend."
James raised an eyebrow at him. Sirius tutted. "Well, you heard the man. Are you really going to say no ?"
"I…I suppose I wouldn't say no…"
"That's a good lad," Remus said. He gave James a sharp salute before watching him walk away in search of Lily.
"Moony, Moony! This is it! My favorite song!" Sirius jumped around Remus, making him giggle. Not long after they'd gotten rid of James, Sirius had made Remus get up and dance (much to his chagrin).
"This is still David Bowie."
"Oh, I know. Staying back in your memory, are the movies in the dark …"
"Oh, Sirius, you really don't need to sing it." Remus was still giggly, and began laughing even more when Sirius swept him into his arms and began twirling him around the room.
" How you moved is all it takes, to sing a song of when I loved —" Sirius spun them around faster until they both collapsed onto the closest armchair, Remus back in Sirius' lap, "— the prettiest star. "
Remus stared into Sirius' blue-grey eyes (more blue this evening—Peter had been right. The shirt did bring out the blue in his eyes), the only thoughts flitting through his head were that Sirius was the prettiest star he'd ever seen, and he was so, so in love with him. Then he thought that he should never ever drink again because apparently it made him ten times more of a romantic than when he was sober. Then he realized that he'd been staring into Sirius' eyes in silence for far too long.
"Moony?"
"Yes, Padfoot?"
"Truth or dare?"
Remus snorted. "Really?"
" Yes . Go on, you have to answer."
"Well, as Pete pointed out earlier, we actually don't have any rules for truth or dare, so I don't have to answer." Remus felt the flutter of Sirius's breath on the side of his face as he sighed deeply.
" Remus ."
"Okay, okay. Truth." Remus chuckled at the glare Sirius sent his way. "You can't always pick dare, you know."
"Fine. Do you love me?" He spoke quietly, and Remus hardly even heard him over the increasing din of the party. He let his eyes flick around the room. James and Lily were pouring over the list for the kitchens, and Peter was talking animatedly with a sixth year girl in the corner. He looked back at Sirius. His eyes were big, and a loose curl had fallen out of place and had stopped to rest centimeters from his eyelashes. Remus, despite his better judgement, pushed the hair back behind his ear.
"Of course I love you, Sirius. You know that."
"Yeah," he said slowly, catching Remus's hand as it fell from his face, and holding it in one of his, threading their fingers together. "But do you love me, love me?"
Suddenly, Remus didn't feel like they were pretending anymore. He wasn't even sure how drunk Sirius was. He wasn't sure how drunk he was himself, if he was being honest. He opened his mouth to answer, not sure what was going to come out of it, but was saved by James sauntering over, Lily at his heels.
" Goodness me," began James, voice high pitched in an—admittedly wonderful—impression of his mother. "What have we got here?"
"Merlin, can't even cuddle in peace these days!" Sirius groaned. "Where'd that girl go? With the drinks? P… P something. What was her name?"
"I don't think you need any more alcohol."
"So you admit you're cuddling?"
Lily and James had spoken in synchronicity, but Sirius only bothered to respond to Lily.
"I've only had two ."
"Three, I think," Remus corrected.
"Four?" James suggested
"You're all ganging up on me!" Sirius sighed dramatically, and hid his face in Remus's shoulder. "Where's Wormtail? That sweet boy would never betray me like this…"
"Right, well, we came here to say that you and Lily are going down to the kitchens to get the food, Moony. There was a bit of a fight about what to get, so that's why it took so long to get the list in order," said James, absentmindedly running a hand through his messy hair as he glanced down at the list in front of him.
"Why me and Lily?" Remus asked, beginning to extract himself from the cage that was Sirius desperately gripping onto him. "I'm not sure I'll be able to make it out of the portrait hole without falling, honestly. Everything's quite wobbly. "
"We all thought the elves would be nicest to you two, after what happened this evening." James remembered the incident with a smile. "And Lily can help you. We'd send someone sober but honestly I just don't trust any of them enough with our precious snacks."
"Yeah, alright I guess that makes—Sirius, please let go of me!"
Five minutes later Lily and Remus found themselves walking down the deserted Hogwarts hallways. They were Head Girl and a Prefect, respectively, so neither felt too nervous walking around after hours. There were, however, other reasons to be nervous.
The first was that Remus kept tripping over nothing, and probably wouldn't have been able to walk in a straight line even if he was being held at gunpoint. He was putting most of his energy into at least standing upright (earlier, after he'd finally freed himself from Sirius' embrace, he'd promptly collapsed onto the floor. Lily was still giggling about it). If they were caught by a teacher, Remus was sure they'd see right through his careful, albeit wobbly, steps.
The second reason was that Remus and Lily still hadn't truly spoken since she made her discovery about Remus being a werewolf, but Remus was desperate to clear the air. Lily was one of his best friends, and the thought of her thinking bad of him because of his lycanthropy made him feel ill. The problem was, he couldn't come up with any conversation starters.
"So, heard you figured out that I'm a werewolf!" Remus thought to himself. He crossed that off the list; it was too…cheery, he supposed.
"Do you hate me?" Too vague.
"I know I'm a monster, and you must feel really lied to, but I hope we can still be friends?" Not too bad, Remus thought, but it could definitely use some improvement.
"Remus?" Lily said, out loud. He turned to her, having been so lost in his own thoughts he hardly remembered she was there.
"Yeah?"
"You know that I know, right?"
"About...about the—"
"Your lycanthropy."
"Yeah…yeah, I know you know," he said, eyes trained on his shoes. He wasn't sure how their conversation was going to begin, but he hadn't thought it would be like that. "I'm…I'm really sorry, Lils. I know you probably feel that I've lied to you. We don't have to hang out anymore, if you'd like. It'll be hard, with James and everything, but I'll just see him when you aren't seeing him and—"
"Are you being serious?" Lily asked him. She sounded almost angry, and Remus looked over at her in surprise.
"Erm…" (The fuzzy, drunk part of his brain very much wanted to make a " I'm Remus, not Sirius" joke but thankfully he managed to control himself).
"Of course I want to hang out with you, idiot. You're the same Remus I love, only now I know your friends turn into animals once a month."
" And I turn into a werewolf," Remus muttered.
"Well, you haven't changed in my eyes. You're still as smart, as funny, as clever, as handsome —"
Remus laughed. "Okay, okay, I get it. Thank you, Lily."
"No problem. What was Sirius whispering about earlier?"
"Oh, Merlin, that. He was asking if I loved him. I think he's quite drunk." Remus chuckled at this, but Lily stayed silent, thinking.
" You're quite drunk. Do you think he's into you? I mean, he did sleep in your bed last night."
"How'd you hear that?"
"Frank."
"Well, I don't think he's into me. I mean, we've been best mates for years, surely he would say something."
"That's pretty poor logic considering you have also been his best mate for years, and could have said something," Lily pointed out.
"Oh, true. Well, uh…" Remus grappled with his response. "Oh, I don't know. I just don't think he likes me… in that way."
"You never know," Lily nudged him playfully with her shoulder, and he looked over at her, exasperated. Suddenly though, his eyes widened, all traces of irritation gone.
"Lily! The stars!" He rushed past Lily towards the window that he'd seen over her shoulder. He pressed his face up against the glass, but once it started fogging up he fumbled with the latch until it swung open.
"They're all…spinny," Lily murmured, leaning cautiously out of the window, hand tight around the ledge.
"Yeah," Remus breathed, looking like he'd never seen anything more interesting in his life. All of a sudden he flipped around, pressing his back against the old stone ledge of the window and letting his head fall back so he could look up at the stars properly.
He was grinning like a madman, Lily was giggling. " Remus !" She laughed, grabbing onto his arm, "be careful!"
"Look! There," Remus said, pointing upwards with the arm that was being held in Lily's death grip. She craned her neck to follow the direction of his finger. "It's the dippers." He moved his finger, tracing the shapes in midair. "The little dipper and the big dipper. They're always the first two constellations I look for. My mum used to point them out to me when I was little. They're the only constellations I can point out, honestly."
Lily chuckled. "Seven years of astronomy and all you know are the dippers? Come on, surely you know more than that."
"I've always been shit at astronomy, Lils. You know that."
"Yeah but not that shit." Lily was grinning when she looked down at him. "Point out something else."
"Bloody hell, are you quizzing me?"
"Yes. And you're failing."
"Alright, alright," Remus chuckled and looked back up at the sky, scanning the sky and trying to recognize literally anything. Then he saw it. "Oh, there! In the Canis Major. It's the Sirius star, the—"
"—the brightest star in the sky," Lily finished quietly, no longer looking at the stars, but rather the soft smile on Remus' face.
"Yeah. Gorgeous, isn't it?"
Remus and Lily did eventually pull themselves away from the stars and arrived in the kitchens without incident. They sat a little awkwardly as the elves—who were rather irritated after the night's affair—prepared their food.
By the time they made it back to the common room, following platters upon platters of food that were levitated in front of them, most of the younger kids had gone to bed and the party had truly begun. Marlene, Mary, Hestia, and Alice were engaged in an intense game of Gobstones in one corner. Remus thought he saw Marlene and Hestia holding hands just under the table. Peter was still talking to the sixth year, and Remus wondered vaguely who she was. Most of the action was taking place around the fire, where a gaggle of girls sat entranced as Sirius (who was definitely more drunk than when they'd last seen him) told the tale of his encounter with Goyle and Mulciber during the Quidditch game earlier that day.
—And then, of course, the two cornered me. I wasn't worried—I knew I could take the both of them down if I needed to."
"You're so brave," one girl with curly dark hair said, her eyes wide and hushed voice bordering on reverence. Remus rolled his eyes.
Sirius shrugged, clearly enjoying the attention. "Nah, it was nothing. They just made a few threats to my life, the usual. I, obviously, was—oh!" Whoever was manning the record player had just put on an Abba vinyl, and Sirius' eyes were as wide as dinner plates. He looked around until he spotted Remus (near the snacks, naturally) and bounded over to him. "Moony! It's Abba! Dance with me, please?"
"What, is it your favorite song?" Remus asked, eyebrow raised.
Sirius said nothing, merely grinning wildly at him (causing Remus to nearly go into cardiac arrest—he would never get used to those wild, Sirius grins). Then, after scurrying back to his place in front of the fire, he went straight into a verse of an Abba song. A group of third years trying to have a conversation nearby glared at him and relocated to a more quiet corner of the room. James clapped wildly as Sirius started up.
" Waterlooooo, knowing my fate is to be with youuu —"
"So, Sirius is a closeted Abba fun, huh?" Remus said, crossing over to stand by James.
"He spent nearly all summer listening to the muggle radio. He used to just sit in my dad's car with the radio playing on top volume. It was pretty cathartic for him, I think." James said.
"Besides, who doesn't know Abba?" Sirius asked, jumping over to them. Remus laughed as Sirius grabbed his hand and spun him around to the song.
"I'm pretty sure most purebloods in this room couldn't sing an Abba song word for word," Remus pointed out.
"James could."
"Yeah, well, James was pretty much forced to listen to hours and hours of your muggle music over the summer," said James, crossing his arms.
"And? You loved every minute," Sirius said, his words slurring a little. He grabbed James's hands and swung his arms around, forcing him to dance a little on the spot. Eventually he conceded with a grin.
"Oh, alright. I didn't really mind it. In fact, I was rather honored to be a part of your pureblood-exceptionalism rebellion."
"There you go, that's the answer I was looking for." As the song drew to a close, he jumped back into action, running back to the center of the room to finish off the last few lines.
" Ooh, oh Waterlooooo finally facing my Waterloo. Waterlooooo knowing my fate is to be with youuu. "
"Have you told him he's a shit singer?" Remus asked James. He nodded.
"Yeah, I have, believe it or not."
Notes:
Good evening! I hope you liked the chapter :). It was actually a pretty long one this time. Comment and kudos if you'd like! I love reading and responding to your comments. I hope you're all having a good start to your week!
Chapter 10: padfoot's jacket
Notes:
hi! sorry it's been so long, i've been super busy. because of that, i wouldn't say that this chapter is all that great, but i hope you enjoy it anyway!
EDITED: 7.12.21
hi everyone :) my main thing with his chapter was just fixing some awkward dialogue and stuff and also fixing the bit with snape and friends bc it always seemed weird to me! idk I like it more now enjoy
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
" He'll rip your lungs out, Jim
Hunh, I'd like to meet his tailor
Ah-hooo,
werewolves of London"
— "werewolves of london," warren zevon
sunday, december 15, 1977
"Remus, what the hell are you wearing?" Marlene demanded before Remus could even sit down.
Remus shrugged. "Padfoot's jacket."
Marlene looked questioningly at James and Peter, but they both shrugged. " Merlin knows, " Peter muttered.
"I mean, it definitely doesn't look bad …" Mary added, tilting her head as she regarded Remus carefully.
"We've swapped clothes," announced Sirius, rather unnecessarily as he raised his arms to show off Remus' too-big knit sweater. "But you're right, Mary, it does suit him."
Remus reached for the toast, trying to hide his smile and the blush he could feel creeping up his neck.
The night before, Remus had gone to bed a little after midnight, exhausted. Some time later however, in the very early hours of the morning, he'd heard the tell-tale creak of Sirius' steps as he walked into their empty dormitory, the party still in full swing.
"Moony?" he'd whispered, peeking his head around the curtains. He giggled a little, obviously still somewhat drunk, and then slapped a hand across his mouth as if he'd said something awful.
Remus had rolled over, feeling like he'd woken up in a fever dream. His stomach hurt and when he'd tried to open his eyes they were blurry with sleep. Sirius had looked like some kind of shapeless, angelic glowing blob. "Sirius?" he'd croaked.
"Can I get in?" he'd whispered fervently. Remus had stared up at him a moment in silence, unsure of what to do. Eventually he scooted over, and flung back the covers, gesturing for Sirius to get in.
"Feel like we've been here before," mumbled Remus sleepily, as Sirius had gleefully thrown an arm across Remus's torso and rested his head on his shoulder. Of course, there was quite a bit more cuddling than there had been the previous night, but Remus just chalked that up to the alcohol (and he definitely wasn't complaining).
"Goodnight," Sirius had breathed. Remus was glad it was dark and Sirius couldn't see how badly he'd been blushing.
"Goodnight."
In the morning, however, Remus had less romantic thoughts about the situation. He'd woken up with Sirius almost completely splayed out on top of him and his stomach ache had intensified from the God-knows-how-many drinks he'd had the night before. Their legs were intertwined and his arm had been flung across Remus's face, causing him to barely be able to breathe.
"Sirius!" he'd muttered, irritated. Sirius had not stirred, so Remus carefully lifted his arm and escaped from underneath. He'd decided to take a shower, since he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep and he wanted to at least feel a little bit alive.
When he returned Remus had found Sirius awake in his bed—in his sweater .
Remus wasn't quite sure if he'd somehow died in the night (perhaps by lack of air from Sirius smothering him), and woken up in some odd version of heaven.
"Morning, darling," said Sirius casually. Remus had struggled not to let his jaw drop in shock, and decided that he really had died and gone to heaven.
"Oh, um, good morning." Remus' voice was high-pitched and a little nervous. "Feeling hungover?"
"No," Sirius said smoothly, grinning from behind his book.
"You're lying."
"Am not."
"Hmph." Remus decided to let that particular conversation drop and move onto more important things. The bloody sweater . "Why are you wearing my sweater?"
"Thought it was a couple-y thing to do—swap clothes. Besides, I've always wanted to steal one of your sweaters, they always look so soft…"
"You know, I think you two are taking this a little too far. You're aware you don't have to sleep together every night, right?" James asked. He had just woken up, and was still under all his covers, his messy hair even messier than usual. James slept completely wrapped up in blankets, like a swaddled baby or a large burrito (though he was not fond of either of those comparisons). "Or swap clothes, for that matter."
"Sirius was drunk and he wanted to…" Remus explained, his voice trailing off as he got distracted by Sirius again. "Are you reading my divination textbook? You're not even in that class."
"Here I am, adorable , sitting in your bed in your sweater and all you think about is the book I'm reading? How typical of you, Moony. "
James shook his head in mock disappointment, and Remus sighed. He had decided that if Sirius was going to wear his clothes, then he would wear something of Sirius'.
His eyes had traveled around the room until they landed on his victim— Sirius' leather jacket.
"The softer look suits you, Sirius," Mary said, back at the breakfast table. Sirius grinned.
"Thanks, Macdonald. I might make this my new style…"
"What? Wearing my clothes?" Remus asked, grabbing the scone Sirius had just put on his plate and taking a bite.
"Yeah I—Moony! That was my scone!"
"Everyone is staring at us," muttered Peter, trying to hide behind the newspaper he'd just received from the post. He wasn't wrong. All around the room, heads were turning to catch proof of the very scandalous rumor that Lupin and Black had disappeared early from the party the night before and had shown up to breakfast in each other's clothes.
"You'd think there would be more exciting things going on than us dating," muttered Remus, at the same time that Sirius said, "you're loving it, Worm."
"I absolutely am not . You lot create enough drama even without all of this dating nonsense."
"Alas, I suppose we can't all be one of life's natural performers."
Peter stuck his tongue out at Sirius from over the top of the Daily Prophet . Sirius promptly stuck his tongue out in return.
"The girls are only jealous of you, Remus." Marlene chuckled, "and I suspect some boys are too."
Hestia nodded. "Yeah, I heard a group of fifth year Ravenclaws crying about it in the bathroom yesterday. They're weirdly obsessed with Sirius, honestly…"
"Aren't we all," Marlene said, hand pressed to her heart, pretending to swoon.
"Oi!" Hestia laughed, swatting gently at Marlene's arm.
"Well, they can't have him," Remus said, sounding petulant and a little…jealous? Was he jealous? Remus thought again of those notes Sirius had written him on Friday. It had only been two days ago but it felt like a lifetime. He thought of Sirius calling anyone else "babe" or "gorgeous," even if it was just in his fancy scrawl (which, despite his best efforts, he'd never been able to make any less aristocratic-looking), and realized he did feel jealous. (Actually jealous . He was so, so far gone. Christ).
"And why's that, Moons?" Sirius asked. His voice was light and teasing, but Remus saw something much more real in his storm-blue eyes. Something unreadable, guarded.
"Because—because you're my boyfriend." Remus blushed, then stuffed half of his toast into his mouth at once to avoid being asked any other questions. Sirius kept watching him.
They can't have him . You're my boyfriend . The words kept repeating themselves over and over in Sirius' head. There hadn't been any real need for Remus to speak up, to say what he did…so why had he done it? For the prank? Sirius could hardly tell the difference between the prank and real life anymore. When Remus held his hand, or brushed his hair off his face, or slept beside him at night, was that for the prank?
Sirius looked up to catch James' eye. He looked ready to start banging his head on the table. Peter looked just as exasperated. As he let his eyes flick back to Remus, he thought he heard James mutter something along the lines of " fucking idiots " into Peter's ear.
Remus looked nervous, and they held eye contact for a moment until James cleared his throat and spoke again, louder this time. As if the noise shook him out of some kind of reverie, Remus looked down quickly at his half-finished breakfast.
"Anything good in the paper, Wormtail?" James asked, though he was staring at Sirius.
"Oh, the usual…no one we know has died so that's something, I suppose."
After breakfast, the Marauders made it as far as the main staircase before Snape and his friends stopped them.
"Well, well, well, look who it is!" Snape sneered, "Guess the rumours are true then. Blood traitor Black runs off with half-blood, half- breed Lupin. Quite the forbidden love story, if you ask me."
Snapes friends sniggered, as if this were the funniest thing in the world. Regulus, who was leaning against a banister some steps behind them, was the only one not laughing. Sirius was glaring daggers at his brother from his spot beside Remus.
"Piss off, Snivellus." Remus said, his hand drifting the wand in his pocket. "You know I can give you detention."
" Oho, a detention!" exclaimed Mulciber, a leering grin on his face. "Go on then, Loopy. We've only got a few more months left in this bloody school, and then we'll be free. Detention means nothing to the Dark Lord."
Remus snorted. "I don't see your Dark Lord here right now, do you?"
James hummed, as though he was thinking hard about it. "No, I can't see him either…Oh…wait, there he is!" he gasped and pointed up the stairs, but the Slytherin's didn't even flinch.
Snape sniggered. "Don't be an idiot, Potter. If the Dark Lord were here you'd all be dead."
"Yeah. Blood traitors, the lot of you," Mulciber spat out. " Especially that mudblood you all love to hang out with. Where is she now, Potter? Hiding her away from the bad guys ?"
Remus thought he could see Snape twitch at the mention of Lily, but he stayed silent.
James and Sirius, however, had drawn their wands at Mulciber's words, while Peter edged himself slowly behind Remus.
"As much as I'm sure we'd all love to stick around and fuel your God complex, I think we should be going," said Remus, attempting to shepherd his friends around the Slytherins and up the stairs. They wouldn't budge.
Snape stepped forward then, right up into Sirius and Remus' personal space. He spoke in a whisper, so they were the only ones who could hear him. "I think you ought to listen to your werewolf boyfriend, Black."
It was the first time Remus had actually heard Snape recognize his condition out loud, and he froze in shock, a swooping feeling of anxiety in his gut.
Before he could even say a word, Sirius had flicked his want and Snape was in the air, dangling by his ankle.
"Detention tonight !" grumbled Sirius, as he and his friends left a very angry Professor McGonagall at the entrance to the Great Hall and made their way up the stairs. "I mean, is she crazy? We've got exams tomorrow !"
"You did physically assault a student," James pointed out. Sirius rolled his eyes.
"Yeah, but it's Snivellus, Prongs. He hardly counts. Besides, he was verbally assaulting Moony! What was I supposed to do?"
"Walk away?" Remus suggested.
"Call him a little piece of shit and then walk away," James said. Sirius sighed.
They walked in silence for a little longer, Sirius moping the whole way. They stopped by Gryffindor tower to get their bags, but paused in the common room, trying to figure out what to do next. After a short argument over studying or holding a day-long wizard chess tournament, they decided on studying first, chess later.
" Where are we studying today? I'm tired of the common room." Peter said. "I wish we could go outside…" he looked longingly out of the snow-streaked window.
"The library, I reckon." Remus said.
"The bottom of the lake?" suggested Sirius hopefully. James hit him gently over the head.
"I second the library."
Sirius groaned.
"That hangover catching up with you, Sirius?" Remus asked, grinning. Sirius groaned again and let himself flop against Remus, pressing his face into his shoulder. When he spoke again, Remus could feel his breath against his collarbone.
"Not hungover."
"You know you don't have to study, right Pads?" James said, "you could bother Moony, take a nap, bother Moony some more, enchant the books to follow Madam Pince around…I mean, really the options are endless."
Sirius perked up slightly. "You know, enchanting the books to follow Madam Pince would be rather funny…"
"James! Now you've gone and given him more ideas!" Remus exclaimed.
"Come on, don't you think that would be even a little funny?"
"Well, maybe a little ," said Remus, a smile playing across his lips.
Notes:
hello again ! comment and kudos if you would like! hopefully the next chapter will be up soon :)
Chapter 11: banned from the library
Notes:
hi !
EDITED: 7.15.21
mostly just changed the ending of this chapter :))
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
" Rebel rebel, you've torn your dress
Rebel rebel, your face is a mess
Rebel rebel, how could they know?
Hot tramp, I love you so! "
— "rebel rebel," david bowie
"Moony, Moony ,"
"What, Peter?" Remus asked, slumping down in his chair, tearing his eyes away from his Ancient Runes textbook.
"I was wondering if you had your essay on werewolves—"
"Are you kidding me?" snorted Sirius, the book he had enchanted to float lazily behind Madam Pince dropping loudly as he broke concentration. She turned sharply, picked up the book, and glanced around with narrowed eyes.
"You didn't let me finish," grumbled Peter, crossing his arms. "I was wondering if you had the essay on werewolves in the Goblin Rebellion of 1036. As far as I'm aware, Remus was not alive in 1036, Sirius ."
"Yeah, it's right here…" Remus began shuffling through his papers, before giving up and summoning the essay. It flew out from the bottom of the stack and he handed it to Peter. "And you're right, I was not involved in the Goblin Rebellion of 1036." He chuckled, and Sirius shrugged.
"Might have been. Sometimes I think you're too smart to not be some kind of… hot, immortal being."
Remus raised one eyebrow at him. "I feel like that was a compliment, but it also implies that I murdered about a hundred wizards, not to mention quite a few muggles."
"Oh, is that what happened?" Sirius asked, leaning on two legs of his chair to read the essay in Peter's hands.
"You'd probably know if you actually paid attention in Binns' class," Remus pointed out.
"You're the only person ever to pay attention in Binns' class," said Sirius, before sighing loudly, and letting his head flop down on the table. "I'm so bored . Can we please be finished?"
They had all arrived at the library after breakfast, and had only left once to go to lunch, before returning (much more reluctantly) about an hour later. Now, as evening light crept its way into the sky, the library began to slowly clear out. Remus was three pages deep in an essay he'd written about Giant habitats and he'd hardly absorbed a word of it. There had been something niggling at the back of his mind for the past few hours, something he had to do, but he couldn't remember what it was.
"You're just bored because James isn't here to humor you," Peter said, eyes never leaving his paper. James had left with Lily some hours earlier. They were studying together (allegedly). Sirius looked, outraged, from Peter to Remus.
"Are you hearing this, Rem?" Sirius asked.
Remus nodded gravely, never once looking up at him. "Mhm."
" Me ? Bored because James isn't here to humor me. How silly is that? I'm perfectly fine without James around. Right, guys? I mean,—"
"Sirius, shush. I'm studying."
"Sorry, Moony."
They did end up leaving the library not too long after, but only because Sirius was finally caught levitating books behind Madam Pince. She was furious, and quite literally chased them out of the library. The three boys had gained a detention apiece. Remus's was that night, Sirius's the next, and Peter's the next (" Detention during exams? She must be out of her mind," Sirius had bemoaned for the second time that day. Remus reminded him that it was very much his own fault that he had gotten detention, which only made Sirius pout even more).
They were gasping for breath by the time they made it to the Gryffindor common room.
"That woman terrifies me sometimes," muttered Sirius.
"Well," began Remus, muttering the password to the Fat Lady as he clutched a stitch in his side, "next time pay more attention and try not to hit her on the head with an eight hundred page book."
"I don't think there'll be a next time," said Peter, climbing through the portrait hole. James bounded over to them right away, grin on his face.
"How was studying?" he asked.
"Oh, wonderful. Got myself banned from the library for life!" Sirius exclaimed with a proud grin. He and James high-fived.
"Madam Pince didn't necessarily say you were banned for life…" Remus said. He'd climbed in last, immediately scanning the room for Lily.
"I think she was too angry to form words, which speaks pretty clearly for itself. I'll just give the library a wide berth for a few weeks, then get her a Christmas present or something."
"He got us detentions. Three separate detentions." Peter complained to James. Sirius brushed this aside with a wave of his hand, as if it was really of no importance.
They settled at a table by the door, where Remus had found Lily, scanning her Divination notes with a quill tucked behind one ear.
"If you're getting Madam Pince a present, you can't get her a personalized, signed copy of Hogwarts, a History," said Lily, putting down her notes and looking up at Sirius.
"Why not?"
"That's what I'm getting her. It took me ages to get it all sorted."
"You're getting Madam Pince a Christmas gift?" Peter asked. He sounded worried, like maybe he should have gotten Madam Pince a Christmas gift.
"Her and all the professors. I used to get gifts for my favorites only, but I thought as it's my last year I should get everyone something." Lily shrugged, as if this was something everyone did. Remus felt rather like Peter as he sat there thinking through all his teachers, and the potential presents he probably should have gotten them. He'd gotten McGonagall something, but no one else. He liked to save most of his money for his friends' presents. This year, he'd gotten James a rather hefty book on the history of Quidditch (Remus had read it one night when he couldn't sleep and found it to be a surprisingly exciting read), and Sirius—
"Shit." Remus jumped up out of his seat. That's what he'd been forgetting— Sirius' present.
"Alright there, Moons?" James asked.
"Oh, yeah," he said, slinging his backpack over one shoulder. "Just, erm, remembered something I forgot in the library."
"Are you sure that's safe?" Sirius asked, seemingly genuine. Remus rolled his eyes.
"Yes, Pads, some of us have better reputations with Madam Pince than you."
"Well…shout if she tries to murder you or something."
"Great, will do."
Then he was gone, back through the portrait hole.
Sirius watched Remus' back until the portrait hole closed behind him.
"What are you getting all the other professors?" Peter asked Lily, still sounding a little nervous.
Lily shrugged nonchalantly. "Well, I got Dumbledore some Bertie Botts Every-Flavour Beans—"
"—but only the nice flavors—" James interjected.
"—I've also gotten McGonagall a set of books on Transfiguration, which I know she hasn't got because I asked her last week. I've gotten books for most of my professors, really, but Slughorn's gift is the best, I'd say."
"She's gotten him a fish!" James exclaimed, as though he'd been bursting to speak and couldn't hold it in anymore. Lily rolled her eyes, but said nothing about his outburst.
"A fish?" Sirius asked..
"Well it's rather a complicated piece of magic. It's a lily that will transform into a fish when he gets it," she explained.
"Lily was showing me earlier, it's really quite interesting," said James, grinning fondly at Lily from across the table. She smiled back, a blush just barely coloring her cheeks.
"Oh, really? What ever happened to studying ?" Sirius teased them.
"Ha. We did study, actually. Just not the whole time. Unlike you three academics in the library."
"Bold of you to assume I studied at all, Prongs. I mostly just sat around, tormented Madam Pince, and…"
"Stared lovingly at Moony across the table when he wasn't looking," muttered Peter quietly. Sirius rounded on him.
"I did not!"
"Did too!"
"No!"
"Yes!"
"James!"
"What?"
"Back me up!" exclaimed Sirius.
"Hm, well, I wasn't there the whole time, so I can't really say what went on but knowing how you normally act I'm very much inclined to believe Peter on this one." James grinned at his friend, but Sirius merely scowled back.
"Oh, you two are relentless. You know, he might not want to date me, believe it or not."
"I mean, maybe, but who could resist Sirius Black?"
"I feel like that wasn't a compliment, Prongsy."
"Ugh, Sirius, don't bring Prongsy back…"
The conversation turned towards Christmas and ice skating after exams, and was only just getting into Peter's possible girlfriend when Remus returned, looking rather excited and pleased with himself.
"And where have you been, mister?" Sirius asked when he came through the portrait hole. Sirius found it odd, watching Remus bound through the door in his leather jacket. (It really did suit him.)
"Library. Told you earlier."
Remus walked over to their table, and Peter quickly moved one seat over, so the only available seat was next to Sirius. Sirius flipped him off when Remus's back was turned, obviously aware of the fact that this was part of some ridiculous plan to force him and Remus together (not that he really minded. Anyway he could get himself cuddled up to Remus was fine by him). Peter and James merely exchanged evil, scheming smiles.
"Well, you obviously were not at the library, seeing as you haven't brought anything back with you, and yet you said you forgot something at the library."
Remus felt Sirius slip an arm around his waist.
"Merlin, someone's pushy this evening…" muttered Remus. Really, he'd been in the Owlery, posting an order for Sirius's Christmas present. He'd only thought of it the day before, and had to hurry to post it so it would arrive in time. "If you must know, which you don't , it has to do with Christmas presents. It was time-sensitive and I thought you'd ask less questions if I told you I was going to the library."
"Aw, you know me so well." Sirius scooted his chair the few inches closer to Remus's, and cuddled up to him. Half playing into James and Peter's game, and half out of simple desire, Remus leaned into him. Hands clasped, his head on Sirius' shoulder, Remus took a moment to soak it all in, to remember what it all felt like before it was gone.
December 15, 1977
I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to handle this stupid bloody prank James is making us do. Last night I got drunk (predictably—no one should ever let me drink around the full), and was practically crawling all over Sirius the entire night. It was mortifying honestly; I'm surprised I didn't just kiss him then!!! Merlin knows he probably thinks I'm in love with him (which I am, actually, so I suppose that wouldn't be the weirdest assumption). He did sleep in my bed last night (again), and has been wearing one of my sweaters all day (which is the most adorable thing I've ever seen in my life I—
"Moony!"
"Hold on…I'll be there now in a minute," Remus murmured, eyes still glued to the page of his journal.
"You can't be here now and in a minute," came Sirius' grumbled reply. "Bloody Welsh."
Remus sighed, and finally looked up. "What is it, Pads?"
Sirius was sprawled out on James' bed, playing a game of chess that James was definitely winning (Remus thought that had to do with the fact that Peter was attempting to communicate moves with him through complex eyebrow wiggles and winks).
"We're going to be late for detention if we don't leave in…five minutes."
"Oh, perfect! Just enough time to beat you in chess then," James announced, smiling broadly across at Sirius.
Sirius groaned, then looked over at Remus with his big (and usually quite effective) puppy dog eyes. "Actually maybe we ought to leave now/"
"Nah, it'll be alright. I'm sure we've got time for you to finish your game with Prongs. Besides, I'd like to finish this up." He gestured vaguely to his journal and Sirius visibly perked up with interest (his moves were sometimes so strongly canine that Remus could practically see Padfoot—ears perked, head cocked to this side. It made Remus wonder if he had the same canine instincts, if the wolf was ever that close to the surface—creeping behind his eyes and shadowing his movements. The thought of it made him shiver).
"What are you doing?"
"He's writing in his diary , Padfoot," James drawled.
"It's not a diary, James. It's a journal ," Remus replied defensively, clutching the small leather book to his chest. "You're the one who got it for me, you prick. Last Christmas."
"I remember. Just didn't know you were such a girl," he teased lightly. As he spoke, he made a few quick moves on the chessboard that Remus couldn't see, but that left Sirius groaning in defeat—he'd just lost the game.
"It isn't girly . Loads of guys keep journals."
"Yeah, like Wormtail," Sirius quipped, clearly already recovered from his loss as he shot an evil grin at Peter.
"No I don't!" Peter flushed.
"Yes you do. You left it out the other day on your bed, open and everything," Sirius cleared his throat and sat up for a more dramatic reenactment. " Caroline is the prettiest girl I've ever seen. She's got these eyes that are so…green. And she always laughs at my jokes and she's so smart and— "
Peter threw himself at Sirius and they collapsed back onto James' bed, Sirius giggling madly and Peter as red as a tomato.
"Who's Caroline?" Remus asked, finally setting aside his journal.
"Pete's girlfriend!" Sirius exclaimed, wriggling out from under Peter. "Our little Wormy's got a girlfriend ."
"Really?"
" No , I haven't. Not really."
"You snogged her! I saw it!" James said. Peter's eyes widened.
"You saw ?"
"Well, yeah, it wasn't very discreet kissing her in the middle of the corridor as everyone was leaving the party."
"Who is she though?" Remus asked, trying to think of any Caroline's he might know.
"Caroline Martin. She's a slytherin, sixth year," James said promptly.
"Wait, she's a Slytherin?" Sirius wrinkled his nose. "I didn't know that. Don't tell me you're dating one of my relatives, Wormy."
"She's a half-blood, so probably not." Peter sighed, clearly realizing he had little choice in the direction of their conversation.
"Oh." Sirius paused. "That's alright then. When can we meet her?"
"Not yet! We've only just started going out…" Peter said, exasperated.
"Ha! So you admit you're dating?" James exclaimed.
"Oh, fine, whatever."
They settled back into a comfortable silence—Peter went back to his own bed to pull on a jumper (which, judging by the rather long arms, Remus thought it might have been his), Sirius stayed sprawled out on his back, and James began to pack away the chess game. Remus almost considered finishing his journal entry when James glanced down at his watch.
"Er, guys…aren't you guys supposed to be in detention? It's five minutes to eight."
Sirius shot up. "Oh Merlin, Moony, we're late! "
"We're not late, Sirius. We've got five whole minutes." But Sirius was already on his feet by Remus' bed, grabbing at his hands and pulling him up.
"Remember that when Minnie's sending us to be hung by our thumbs in the dungeons."
"Don't be ridiculous."
"I'm not! You can never know what's up McGonagall's sleeves. She's a mysterious, beautiful—"
"Bloody hell, Pads, maybe you should be dating her ."
" Oi! Shut it, Wormtail."
Notes:
first thought i should say that peter's girlfriend is a completely made up character, and isn't in canon! i don't think i have anything else to say abt this chapter lol. i hope you liked it :) comment and kudos if you want!
Chapter 12: maybe with a few more words
Notes:
hello! this is a pretty long chapter today! also, i'm currently working on a spotify playlist for this fic. i'll probably give the link in the next chapter if i get more songs on there, but it's still a work in progress right now haha
EDITED: 7.19.21
hello! edits in this chapter were mostly just dialogue/prose, not really any plot stuff
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
"One day
though it might as well be someday
You and I will rise up all the way
All because of what you are
The prettiest star "
— "the prettiest star," david bowie
Sirius and Remus made it to McGonagall's office with one minute to spare. When they arrived, chests heaving from their run through the halls, she looked rather disapprovingly down her glasses at them.
"We are not late," Sirius burst out, before McGonagall could even say a word. He raised an arm—the one holding the expensive-looking watch he'd gotten from the Potters on his seventeenth birthday—and said, "it's one minute to eight."
"I am aware of the time, Mr. Black. But I thank you for being punctual."
She explained to them that they would be doing their detention with Slughorn, and that they weren't allowed to use magic, but said little else. After the trek to the dungeons, she left them at Slughorn's door and said she'd be back at ten later that evening.
They watched her retreating back until it was overtaken by the shadows.
"McGonagall seemed glad to be rid of us…"
"Ah, she'll miss us next year," Sirius said, grinning at Remus. Remus returned the smile, but it seemed forced, and Sirius wondered if he was simply tired from all the studying or if something else was bothering him.
There wasn't time to ask however, because soon the door was swinging open and Slughorn was greeting them with his usual wide grin.
"Boys, boys! Do come in." He ushered them through the door, then closed it behind them. Sirius glanced around the room and saw a half-empty bottle of Firewhisky next to an open bag of candied pineapple. Slughorn himself was in a gaudy green velvet suit as he bustled around the room.
Sirius nudged Remus in the side. "Think he's going on a date?" he whispered. Remus chuckled, and Sirius was thrilled to see genuine joy flit across his features. (Sirius loved when he smiled like that—the crinkles around his eyes, the dimple on this left cheek, the way it lingered on his face even minutes later without him even realizing.)
"Right." Slughorn turned to them, and their bubble popped. "I asked McGonagall if I could take you boys for detention this evening because, well, I've got a bit of a favor to ask, and I figured my job would be better than what some other teachers would have you doing. I need my room tidied up for exams in the morning, but tonight is the annual Slug Club Christmas Party…"
"Oh, how could we forget!" Sirius interrupted with a chuckle. "James is going to that."
"Yeah. He nearly had a meltdown when Lily asked him," Remus said. Sirius stole another glance at Remus; his smile had faded somewhat. "Said he didn't have the right dress robes and would need to order more right away. As if the party wasn't for another month ."
"Ah, Miss Evans is bringing Potter?" Slughorn asked, almost disappointed. Sirius nodded.
"Mhm. He's not in your special little Slug Club, but he is pureblood, and you seem to have a thing for them, don't you?"
Slughorn cleared his throat and looked around the room anxiously. "Um, well—"
Sirius kept talking. "Besides, his father is the inventor of Sleekeazy's Hair Potion. You know, 'two drops tames even the most bothersome barnet!'" Sirius sang the slogan in the same happy tune he'd heard Mr. Potter use when he bothered James about his unruly hair at home ("Ugh, I like my hair, dad," was always James' exasperated response).
Slughorn did seem to perk up at this. "Hm, Sleekeazy's…that is interesting…" he murmured, as if thinking quite hard about it. Sirius nudged Remus in the side and they shared a small, amused smile.
Slughorn cleared his throat. "Right, well, the party is tonight, so I just need you two to clean up in here, and don't tell McGonagall I've left you alone. Of course, she knows about the party, but I've told her I'd have someone watch you. Hagrid said he'd cover for me, but he couldn't come because of 'business in town.' Whatever that means…"
"So, if McGonagall comes knocking before ten, we'll just tell her Hagrid was here but he's nipped to the loo?" Sirius asked.
"Erm, yes, something like that. I really best be off! I've got guests arriving any moment…" Slughorn bustled out of the room, leaving Sirius and Remus standing alone in a mess of dirty cauldrons, disorganized potions ingredients, and stacks of books littered around their feet.
"What a weirdo," said Remus, as the door snapped shut.
" Honestly . I mean, he's got a whole club for cool people and neither of us are in it? That's practically a crime, we're the coolest people I know."
"It doesn't get much cooler than a werewolf and an illegal animagus…" Remus said absently, looking around at the room they had to clean. "Where should we start?"
"I reckon we just magically clean it up then go and sneak into the party and steal some fancy snacks." Sirius said, getting out his wand and pointing it at the nearest cauldron. Remus stepped in front of him, batting the wand away from where it was now pointed at his chest.
"McGonagall said we weren't allowed to use magic, remember? Also, is it really worth sneaking into the party just for the snacks?"
" Moony , are you kidding me? He's sure to have all the best rich people snacks. I mean, they're all in these tiny portions and they're all a little weird and you think it'll be disgusting but then…"—he paused for emphasis—"When I went to Narcissa and Lucius's wedding two summers ago I had, obviously, a miserable time, but the little snacks they'd put out? Amazing. Tiny. Delicious."
"You are so posh , Black." Remus chuckled.
Sirius pouted. "Can we please get snacks?"
Sirius locked eyes with Remus, and the other boy gave in. "Fine. You can put the books away with magic, then organize the potion ingredients cupboard, and I'll clean the cauldrons. Then, because the snacks mean so much to you, we can go sneak into the Christmas party."
"You're the best ."
"Yeah, yeah." He said it offhandedly, but Sirius didn't miss the way Remus bit his lip to hide his smile.
Fueled perhaps by the promise of food, Sirius got to work quickly and without his usual grumbling. Once Sirius spelled the books away, the mess looked much more manageable. Remus went to one side of the room, where dirty cauldrons sat in a pile by the sink, with some radiating out onto nearby tables, and Sirius went to the other side, where the potion ingredients sat jumbled on the shelves, no rhyme or reason to their order.
"How did he even let it get like this?" Remus muttered, pulling a cauldron down into the sink with a grunt, beginning to scrub it with a sponge Slughorn had left them. Remus was glad they'd taken separate sides of the room as Sirius had shed his cloak and rolled up the sleeves of his white button-down. The less opportunity Remus had to stare at his forearms the better, he decided.
"Dunno. Probably too wrapped up in his party plans to care much," said Sirius with a chuckle. Remus glanced over in time to see him reach for a small bottle filled with bright green objects that looked like little sticks. He looked away, biting his lip and frowning down at the soapy cauldron in his hands.
As the days wore on, the prank had begun to weigh heavier on Remus' mind. While it may have started out as a joke, it quickly devolved into a tantalizing look into a life that Remus couldn't have. When did it all stop? The hand holding, the flirting, the loving looks thrown across classrooms, around the shelves in the library, millimeters apart in the common room. And why was Sirius going along with it all so readily, so easily? No one was forcing him into Remus' bed every night, and no one forced him to write those notes in Transfiguration (the words were still haunting him. Moons, you're the most gorgeous boy I've ever seen . No one forced him to write that—right?)
"Whatcha thinking about?"
Remus started, and realized he'd gotten so caught up in his own thoughts that he'd never responded to Sirius' comment. "Er, nothing." Remus cleared his throat, not looking up at Sirius.
"Seems like something."
"It's nothing ," Remus grumbled, voice a little harder than before.
There was a silence, filled only with the tinkle of glass from the potions cupboard and the rhythmic sound of water on the cauldrons as Remus washed them.
"Think James is bothering Slughorn?" Sirius asked, voice light as ever.
"Probably. He is a Marauder, after all."
"Mm."
"Why aren't you in the Slug Club?" Remus asked then, after another brief silence. "I mean, your brother is and I reckon most of your family has been. Doesn't he want you for his collection?"
"He did ask me, right when I arrived at Hogwarts. He said that I was the missing piece to 'complete his set'. That turned me off immediately, obviously. I'm nothing like my family anyway, he wouldn't really want me there. I think he realized that, in the end," said Sirius thoughtfully, placing the green sticks on one of the shelves. Remus had stopped scrubbing, and turned, only to find Sirius already watching him. They held eye contact for several moments in which Remus desperately wished he could tear his eyes away and look anywhere else (anywhere other than those bloody stormy sea eyes; bright and piercing like they could see into Remus' very soul).
"Mm, that makes sense. It's not really your scene anyway, is it?"
Sirius grinned. "Nah. My scene is more detention with you, I'd say."
"Yeah," Remus said quietly. He looked away from Sirius at last, watching the cauldron in his hands fill up and overflow with water, cascading down the sides and over his hands.
About half an hour later, Sirius had almost finished the potion ingredients cabinet. He circled the classroom once, picking up any stray bottles, and then put them into their correct place in the cabinet. He'd been trying to figure out what was bothering Remus all evening, but still hadn't pinned it down. He was unusually quiet, but would make normal enough conversation when prompted. He hadn't looked at Sirius in probably twenty minutes, but maybe he was just really into his cauldron cleaning? There was definitely something wrong, and Sirius was determined to figure it out.
"Last cauldron!" Remus said joyfully (it was the most excited he'd sounded all evening), placing the cauldron down into the sink.
"I've just finished my cabinet. Shall I sweep up before we go?"
"Yeah, I reckon." Remus turned, then caught sight of the ingredients cabinet. "Sirius, why are the ingredients organized by color?"
" Well , I thought regular alphabetical was rather boring, and it certainly doesn't look organized, so I devised a whole new system. See—now each color of ingredient has its own shelf, and in that shelf, they're organized alphabetically and also grouped into what kind of ingredient they are. See, on this shelf, the green shelf, we've got some animal products, some more nature-y things like leaves, some weird things I couldn't recognize…"
Remus raised an eyebrow at him. "There's a 'things you couldn't recognize' section?"
"Yup. Like it?"
"Er, well…I mean, it's organized , I suppose."
"I'll take that as a yes, then."
An hour before McGonagall said she'd collect them, Remus found himself standing outside of her room. He watched from the side, arms crossed, as Sirius reached out to knock on the old wooden door.
"Professor?" Sirius said sweetly, peeking his head around the door of her office. Remus turned so he was leaning against the doorframe. Sirius had said he had a plan to get them out of detention, and Remus intended to simply stand and watch.
McGonagall appeared at the door, lips pursed. "Mr. Black? Did I not leave you at Professor Slughorn's door an hour ago?"
"Oh, no, you did. It's only…Professor Slughorn had to leave early to go to his party, and he left Hagrid with us. Before he left, he said we could join the party if we finished early. And we did finish early. Hagrid said we should go as Professor Slughorn seemed like he really wanted us there. It was an order, almost. You know how he can get sometimes…" Sirius trailed off, sensing his story was getting weaker the most he continued. Remus, though he was stifling his laughter, thought he wasn't doing half bad.
"And if I go see Hagrid right now…" began McGonagall slowly. Sirius shot Remus a panicked look. Rolling his eyes fondly, Remus joined him in the doorway.
"Hagrid had to hurry off somewhere…said he had urgent business. He probably just wanted us out of his hair, to be honest—"
Sirius made a quiet comment about how much hair Hagrid had and Remus tried to discreetly step on his foot.
"—and now, well, we haven't even got a teacher to watch us…"
"It's nearly Christmas…" Sirius added, thinking perhaps that this would help their case.
Somehow, McGonagall did give in, and not even five minutes later the boys found themselves strolling down a long empty corridor, shadows cast behind them from the moonlight shining through the windows.
"We're brilliant ," Sirius said.
"I mean, that was hardly some of our best work. And I did kinda throw Hagrid under the bus," said Remus. Sirius chuckled, and reached the few inches between them to grab onto his hand. Remus frowned at the contact, but didn't pull away.
"Well then, what's our plan?"
"Our plan?"
" Our plan for sneaking into the party. You always come up with the best plans," said Sirius casually.
"Oh, well, I suppose I can come up with something…"
"Snuffles? Snuffles!" Remus burst loudly through the doors of Professor Slughorn's room, causing several of the nearby guests to frown at him. He heard one man (who he thought might be a vampire) mutter something along the lines of, " the youth these days…so rude. What is Dumbledore even teaching them in this bloody school? "
Slughorn himself stood nearby, and regarded Remus with eyes slightly squinted, as if he might be dreaming.
"Lupin?" he asked. "I thought you were cleaning my classroom? Where is Black? Who is Snuffles…is that…?" Remus followed his eyes until he saw Padfoot circling one of the long food tables. He was eye level with the platters of food, and some of the guests were eyeing him nervously—as if he might attack them if they got too close (which, honestly, Remus wasn't entirely sure he wouldn ' t).
"Sorry, sir," said Remus, suddenly thinking this idea was rather silly and that maybe he shouldn't be allowed to come up with plans when Sirius was inches away and tracing the scars and freckles on the back of his hand. Remus cleared his throat. "We finished cleaning your office and McGonagall let us off. Snuffles is a stray; I think he followed Hagrid back from the village."
"Ah. And how did he get…here?"
Remus looked from Slughorn to Padfoot, then tried quickly to find James in the crowd, with no luck. "I'm not sure, honestly. Must have…snuck in. Sorry, really got to go," Remus muttered, ducking past Slughorn and making a beeline for Sirius.
Padfoot wagged his tail and panted happily as Remus approached.
" You "—Remus leaned down and poked him on the nose—"are ridiculous. I hope you enjoy your snacks. Do you know where James is?"
Padfoot made a little whimpering noise. "Maybe with a few more words?" Remus asked, mock-sweetly. For this, Padfoot gave Remus the best glare he could as a dog and proceeded to walk away into the crowd. Before he lost sight of him, Remus grabbed a plate and piled it with two of everything on the table.
When Remus found him again, Padfoot was on his back being pet by Lily. James was watching, arms crossed and smirking. His grin grew even bigger when he saw Remus.
"So…how did detention lead to this?" James asked, as Remus approached.
"Sirius wanted the little snacks," he responded, gesturing to the plate in his hands.
"Ah, and you couldn't say no, of course."
Remus shot him a weak glare. "I can say no to him. Maybe I just wanted some snacks too…"
"Sure, sure. What do you think of ol' Padfoot, Lils?"
"Hm, well, he talks much less than human Sirius, which is an improvement." Sirius whined at this, and nipped at Lily's hand before rolling over and padding over to Remus, settling down at his feet.
"Ignore him," said Remus. "Want a macaroon?"
"You gave her a macaroon? After she was rude to me?" Sirius crossed his arms. They had been kicked out of the party by Slughorn, and were walking through the deserted corridors, interrupting the heavy, shadowy silence with their laughter and footsteps. Sirius was wondering if he could reach out and take Remus' hand again.
"Oh, so sorry , your highness. Would you like me to go back and ask her to regurgitate it for you?" Remus laughed as Sirius shoved him.
"Ew, Remus!"
"Here, have this one. I got two."
"But that's yours," said Sirius, eyeing the macaroon on the plate in front of him. They'd already eaten half the snacks.
"Sirius, take the bloody macaroon." Remus rolled his eyes.
"Oh, alright." They quieted as Sirius nibbled on his macaroon. The only sound was the slight echo of their shoes on the stone floors. "Ooo, let's go in here! We can finish our snacks without Peter stealing them." Sirius pointed towards one of the tapestries that lined the walls. It was one of their older hiding spots—a deep window ledge, forgotten at some point in the last few hundred years and covered over.
They had to hop to pull themselves up, but eventually found themselves sitting across from each other in the narrow space, plate of food balanced on their knees. Outside the window Sirius could just see the snow-capped roofs of Hogsmeade village. Closer to them was Hagrid's hut—warm, golden light spilling from the windows and onto the snowy ground.
"This is a little smaller than it was when we were twelve," said Remus, knees pulled up close to his chest.
"What is this?" Sirius asked, tearing his eyes away from the window in search of his next snack.
"Hm?"
"This. Looks like…" Sirius had a little bundle of something in his hand.
"Oh, I think that's…seaweed?"
"Seaweed isn't usually such a…vibrant blue."
"Maybe don't eat that one. Although, I thought you liked the weird rich people snacks."
Sirius stuck out his tongue at him then nibbled the edge of the seaweed-thing.
"Blegh. Correction. I like most rich people snacks." Sirius opted instead for a simple cookie. He watched as Remus's eyes flicked out towards the Forbidden Forest, and wondered, not for the first time that night, what he was thinking about. "Rem, got something on your mind?"
"Ah, you know me, always having thoughts."
"Hm, maybe explain them with a few more words?"
This made Remus smile, and he rolled his eyes over to meet Sirius's.
"You can't quote me to me ."
Sirius shrugged. "I can if I'd like."
"Anything else you'd like to do? Have another tiny sandwich, terrorize some Slytherins, sneak into another party…" Sirius, despite the wild beating of his heart, met Remus's calm gaze.
"I think you're trying to change the subject."
"Definitely not."
"Alright then. I'd quite like to kiss you, if you don't mind."
Sirius could tell that whatever Remus was expecting, it was not this. Sirius himself was a little surprised the words had come out of his mouth. He watched Remus's eyes widen and his jaw dropped just barely, and an apology had almost tumbled it's way out of Sirius's mouth when Remus snapped his mouth shut, cleared his throat and said, with a small smile on his lips, "go on, then."
They were already so close, there wasn't much more room before they met in the middle, their empty plate upturned beside them.
Kissing Remus was warm and light and he smelled like the soap in Slughorn's classroom and he tasted like chocolate-covered strawberries and one of his hands was on the back of Sirius' neck. Sirius smiled.
"Twelve-year-old us would think this is so weird…" he whispered, thinking of Remus's comment from earlier.
"I quite think this would awaken something in twelve-year-old me…" said Remus, smiling against Sirius' lips. Sirius chuckled.
"Shut up, Lupin."
" You shut up."
Chapter 13: the first inanimate object to fall in love
Notes:
happy halloween! in honor of the (sad) day, here is a chapter with minimal peter and happy/living james and lily!
also, i have been working on the playlist for this fic, but i want to work a little more on it before giving out the link.
thank you for 2k hits !!
EDITED: 7.29.21
hi sorry this took so long. been super busy and also I rlly wanted to work on creating a solid conflict and making this chapter better in general (also thank u to everyone who has been commenting and reading recently love u all)
EDITED: 8.8.21
okay new edits on the next chapter hopefully out soon but I had to go back and fix a bit at the end of this chapter. it's during remus & sirius' convo and I just changed the part where they're talking about sirius' past relationships.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
" So I looked at the scenery,
she read her magazine
And the moon rose over an open field
'Kathy, I'm lost,'
I said, though I knew she was sleeping
I'm empty and aching and I don't know why. "
— "america," simon & garfunkel
monday, december 16, 1977
There was something wrong between Sirius and Remus, Marlene was sure.
She hadn't seen them since the night before, when they'd passed the girls in the common room on their way to detention. She'd spent a fun evening with Mary and Hestia helping Lily and Alice get ready for Slughorn's party. After they'd all left (and Peter snuck out to see his girlfriend) it was only her, Mary, and Hestia remaining.
While they waited for their friends to return, the girls decided to play a game of Wizard's Chess in front of the fire. Hestia had opted out to do some last minute studying, but would occasionally look over and mouth Marlene's next move over Mary's shoulder. (Hestia had always been better at chess than her girlfriend.)
Marlene must have been up in their dormitory when Remus and Sirius returned, because she most certainly had not seen them again until they were sitting down for breakfast. She watched curiously as Sirius made space next to him on the bench for Remus, only for Remus to just barely shake his head and sit next to Lily instead, at least three people down the table from Sirius.
Hestia scooted closer to Marlene, until their arms were pressed against each other and their knees knocked together under the table.
"That's weird, don't you think?" she whispered.
"Mm, yeah," she said. "Think they had a row?"
"Maybe. Do you think Lily would know?"
"Ask her," Marlene whispered back. Immediately, she wished she'd suggested something else, because Hestia pulled away from her and took all her warmth with her, the ghost of her floral perfume lingering in the air.
Marlene watched as Hestia, tongue just barely poking out between her teeth in concentration, aimed a gentle kick under the table in Lily's direction.
Lily swung her head over to look at them. Hestia cocked one eyebrow and tried to indiscreetly jab her head in Remus's general direction. Lily looked back at her, confused, and Hestia sighed. She tried another vigorous jab of her head, but it didn't work. Marlene chuckled.
Mary, who was sitting on the other side of Marlene, leaned closer to her. "What the hell is she doing?"
"She's trying to figure out what's wrong with Sirius and Remus," Marlene whispered back.
"Oh." There was a pause, then Mary looked across the table at Sirius, who was almost opposite her. "Oi, Black. What's up with you and Lupin?"
Sirius looked up, eyes wide like a deer in the headlights. "What's up?" he repeated slowly. Marlene watched as he sent a glance down the table at Remus, but the other boy was heavily absorbed in his morning toast.
"Well, you aren't obnoxiously flirting, so something's got to be up."
" I was thinking the same thing…" said Peter quietly. Sirius glared at him, and Peter seemed to wither beneath his gaze.
"Ask Remus, if you'd really like to know," Sirius said, stabbing at his sausage haphazardly.
Remus was, at that moment, wishing he was the melting pad of butter on his toast. Imagine, he thought bitterly, I could just melt and be gone forever. Surely, death by melting on toast was preferable to most other options. If he were a pad of butter, he wondered what he might think about. Certainly not stupid boys. Though, knowing him, he'd probably end up being the first inanimate object to fall in love—probably with Sirius Black. What a nightmare.
"Remus doesn't have to say anything," chided Lily gently. Remus, though still watching the butter pool on his plate, knew she was speaking to Mary, who's eyes he could feel practically boring into his head.
"Oh, Remus, I'm going to do your Myrtle prank today," James said, trying to steer the conversation into happier territory.
"When?" asked Sirius. Remus didn't look at him—he was nervous that he might look back, and then Remus wasn't sure what he would do with that. Death by eye contact with Sirius was certainly high on Remus's "Ways I Do Not Want to Die" list (It wasn't a real list, but Remus was heavily considering creating it as the morning wore on). (He was also considering a sequel to that list— "Ways I Definitely Do Want to Die, Right Now").
"Probably after lunch, when we have off during the arithmancy exam." James sipped on his pumpkin juice. "You could all come with me!"
"I'm pretty sure your dare was that you had to convince her. All on your own." Remus pointed out, looking at James across the table.
"Never thought you'd give up a chance to watch me make a fool of myself," James said, grinning. Remus felt his lips quirk up into a small smile, but his momentary good mood was squashed as soon as Sirius opened his mouth.
"I'm pretty sure Moony is only saying that because he doesn't want to spend time with me ," said Sirius drily. For the first real time since they were holed up together on that window ledge, Remus met Sirius's eyes. He could see his anger reflected back in the cloudy blue-gray, and he forced himself to look away again.
"Not everything is about you, actually ," he snapped. Putting his glass down a little harder than necessary, Remus looked over at Lily. "Walk with me? We can get to Divination a little early."
"Er, yeah. Sure. Coming, Hest?" Hestia, who was also in their Divination class, nodded.
Remus looked intently at his shoes while she and her girlfriend kissed goodbye, then while Lily kissed James goodbye. Remus rather felt like the entire world was mocking him, and was immensely relieved when the kissing was over and they were able to leave the hall.
"Mate, what's going on?" James asked, as soon as Remus was gone. Sirius grimaced.
"As if I fucking know," he sighed. He knew practically everyone could hear him, and didn't really want to have this conversation in front of half of Gryffindor. "S'pose I said something." Sirius said eventually, with a shrug.
"Well, did you say something?" James asked, prodding. Sirius rolled his eyes.
"I'm always saying things, Prongs. I can't remember every word that comes out of my mouth."
"Yes, well, I imagine you would remember something that made Moony that bloody angry at you," James pointed out. Then, more softly, "you can tell me anything, you know. We're brothers, Pads."
"Thanks, Prongs." Sirius spared him a tight smile. There were no secrets between the Marauders, and usually James was the first person Sirius went to for help, but something about this situation felt different , though he couldn't quite put his finger on why. He wanted to patch things up with Remus on his own, to figure out what was bothering him and how Sirius could fix it.
"I don't think I've genuinely seen Moony this mad at you since…since, y'know …" Peter added. He was talking about the Snape incident in fifth year, Sirius was sure.
"Yeah." Sirius sighed again, then fiddled with his fork.
"I just don't really get it," mused Marlene, mind still on Remus's mysterious silence.
"That makes two of us," Sirius put down his fork.
"Have you tried talking to him?" James asked.
"Have you talked to him yet?" Lily asked.
They were not the first to arrive for the divination exam; a group of Hufflepuffs sat clustered around the ladder to the trapdoor, muttering anxiously about tea leaves. Remus had dragged Lily and Hestia down the hall so they wouldn't be overheard, and explained his predicament. He'd made them swear not to tell a single person about the prank, the crush, or the kissing. He knew they wouldn't, it was more for his own sanity.
"Er, well. No." muttered Remus, arms wrapped around his legs and chin resting on his knees.
"Between the making out and—"
"—yes, thank you, Hestia." Remus interrupted her. (He loved Hestia, but she didn't have the best bedside manner). "I remember the evening pretty well."
"Just talk to him after this," said Hestia. "It'd be better to talk now then wait forever. Besides, Sirius is going to get so annoying if you wait and then you guys have some big, angsty fall-out."
"We've already had a big, angsty fall-out." Remus took a moment to stretch out his legs on the stone floor, wincing as one of his knees made a rather menacing cracking noise.
Lily hummed. "Explain again what happened? After you left us at the party, I mean."
"We hid away in some old covered up window, we talked a bit, then he said he wanted to kiss me." Remus frowned, remembering the feeling of Sirius' fingers on his jaw and his lips smiling against him. "We…did it. Kissed ," he added hurriedly when Hestia raised an eyebrow at him. "Not—we just…well, anyway. We kissed and then I ran off. I…I told him it wasn't like that. That I didn't like him that way."
"Why would you say that?" Lily asked with a sigh. It was the second time that morning she'd asked him that question, and he was still as unsure of his answer as he had been the first time around.
"I don't know," he murmured miserably. "It was fine when we were kissing. It was nice and we were flirting , I suppose, and well, suddenly it just didn't feel nice anymore. I just realized that….that it's always the way with Sirius, isn't it? The flirting, the touching. And I know, obviously, we're supposed to be pretending to date but it's gotten bigger than that. It's confusing—the things he's said to me, bloody written to me. And then the kiss …"
"Well, surely he likes you, then. Most people don't go around snogging people they don't fancy," Hestia said, shrugging.
"This is Sirius , Hest," Remus replied. "I'm honestly not sure he's fancied any of the people I've seen him snogging."
"Yeah, but you're you ."
Remus didn't know what to say to that.
Breakfast was over, and students flooded the halls. Groups formed outside of the Divination classroom, friends buzzing with pre-exam nerves and frantically quizzing each other on everything from palm reading to dark omens they could point out in their tea leaves to please Professor Nitt.
Remus tuned in and out of conversations, though he kept slipping back into his thoughts. Kissing Sirius, running off, ignoring him at breakfast…
He was glad that Hestia and Lily kept up a casual discussion beside him. It was a nice distraction, and he was able to tune in and out of their conversation as he pleased, eyes mostly plastered on his hands clasped on his lap—that is, until he remembered Sirius holding his hands that first night they'd shared a bed. Remus looked back up with a sigh.
"...and then Mary said she would prefer ' literally anything ' over listening to Celestina Warbeck."
"Really?" Lily asked.
Hestia shook her head in exasperation. "Yup. Made me switch the record and everything."
"I wouldn't have pegged you for a Warbeck fan, Hest," Remus finally spoke, head still resting against the cool stone wall behind him.
"I'm not," Hestia replied rather defensively, "but everyone can appreciate a good jazzy tune. Who doesn't know the lyrics to A Cauldron Full of Hot, Strong Love ?"
Remus made eye contact with Lily, one eyebrow raised. She shook her head, a small smile on her lips.
"Did you know she's from Wales?" Remus asked. His mother had become quite the Celestina fan herself after Lyall took her to one of her shows in the sixties (he'd gotten the tickets from a friend at work. When he still had friends. And a ministry job.) (Remus quickly stopped himself from going down that mental guilt-trip.) Very much against his will, Remus knew quite a few fun facts about the singer.
"No, I didn't." Hestia smiled mischievously at Remus then parroted his earlier words back to him—"wouldn't have pegged you for a Warbeck fan, Remus."
"What? Oh, no I—" but his protests were drowned out in laughter from Hestia and Lily.
Remus was saved from any more teasing as Professor Nitt poked her head through the trapdoor. She waited until there was complete silence, then, in her most mysterious voice, she called up the first person.
Nitt always started at the end of the alphabet, though no one really knew why, so the crowd had diminished somewhat by the time Remus was called up for (thankfully) his final Divination midterm for the rest of his life.
"What a relief ," sighed Hestia, as soon as they were all finished and walking back to the Common Room.
"Well, we've still got every other exam, not to mention our Newts at the end of the year," Remus pointed out.
"At least we're one down!"
"Ever the optimist…"
"What did she say during your exam, Remus? She told me at the end she thought my earrings were blocking her inner eye," Hestia reached up to touch one of her earrings. They were big, dangling yellow hoops. "I mean, what bullshit! What does that even mean ?"
Remus snorted. "She kept telling me she saw the Grimm in my future. She saw it in the tea leaves, the crystal ball, my palm. I think she was just disappointed that I haven't had any tragic accident since last class."
Hestia laughed, but Lily merely gave Remus a sideways look. "The Grimm?" she asked.
Remus remembered the night before—Sirius in his animagus form at Lily's feet, tongue lolling as he grinned up at her. He remembered his mother's bedtime stories of Gwyllgi, the big black dog that haunted Wales. They're everywhere —she would tell him, voice low as Remus clung onto every word with wide eyes— There's a Grim that haunts churches, a Padfoot that trails it's victim's almost silently, besides the soft padding of it's paws…
Remus shrugged. "Everyone knows she's full of it."
Hestia was looking between them, confused. "I hope the Grimm doesn't get you…I'd be quite sad if you were killed. I'd probably fail my Newts, too."
"At least I'll be missed."
They talked about the various predictions they'd made up for the rest of the walk. Remus had nearly forgotten about the Sirius situation by the time they made it to the portrait hole, all three laughing loudly.
"—I didn't know!" Lily exclaimed, trying hard to keep the grin off her face. "I thought it meant she'd live a long time or…something!"
"You said," Hestia gasped between laughs, "that she was going to die tomorrow ? And from a boat accident, no less. I reckon she'll be avoiding the lake for a few days."
"I suppose she deserved it. I'd be dead a million times over if even half of what she says to me is true…" said Remus. He was grinning broadly, but it faltered as soon as he recognized the figure sitting by the portrait hole. "Sirius?"
Sirius looked up, taking a cigarette out from between his lips. "Remus."
"What are you doing out here?" Hestia asked, looking up and down the hallway as if there might be someone hiding behind the suits of armor.
"Prongs said I couldn't smoke in the Common Room, the prick," Sirius said gruffly, though his smile was fond. His eyes flicked up, and met Remus's. They held eye contact for a moment, until Lily cleared her throat. Remus looked down at his shoes.
"Right, well, Hestia, coming in? You can quiz me on potions."
"You don't need help on potions ," Hestia said with a snort.
"Oh, just come on," Lily grabbed her hand and pulled her through the hole.
It was just the two of them—Remus didn't know where to look.
"Sit?"
Remus sat, and took the cigarette out of Sirius's hand.
"Why'd you say it?" Remus asked eventually, watching as the smoke he'd just exhaled dissipated. He saw in his peripheral vision as Sirius turned to look at him—he met his gaze.
"Why'd I say what?"
Remus was quiet a moment, drawing his knees up to his chest and dropping the cigarette. He crushed it under the toe of his boot as he thought. "What you wrote in that note to me. In class on Friday. You said I was…you said I was the most gorgeous boy you'd ever seen." The last words came out in a rushed whisper, like they were a secret, something sacred. At this point, maybe they were something sacred.
Sirius furrowed his brow. "Because you are."
"But isn't that what you say to all of them?"
"All of who?"
"All the boys , Sirius. And the girls, I suppose. Whoever's getting you off in broom closets between classes."
" What? " Sirius chuckled then, which caused Remus to glare at him. "Sorry—it's just, no one's getting me off between classes . I don't…I don't really…" Sirius cleared his throat and Remus thought he saw a flush beginning to work its way up his cheeks, "you know I've only ever dated Marlene, right? And we didn't… do anything. I mean, we were only fifteen so…"
Sirius watched as Remus pulled his bottom lip up between his teeth, still watching Sirius in a way that made him feel as though he were one of the gaudy butterflies that his mother used to have pinned up in the living room at Grimmauld Place.
"But I thought—"
"You thought what , Remus?" Sirius thought he saw Remus flinch at his tone, but he kept up his steely gaze regardless. He knew what Remus thought—it was what everyone else thought. That he was a fun snog at parties, easy to sneak away with to empty classrooms and broom cupboards. In reality, Sirius could probably count all the people he'd kissed on one hand, the majority of them being awkward and hesitant, sometimes tinged with the sharp taste of alcohol but mostly in quiet nooks and vacant corridors, the silence so oppressive Sirius was sure the other person could hear the beating of his heart and the blood rushing through his veins, or at least feel it as their fingers brushed against the pulse point in his wrist, dragged their thumb across the high point of his cheekbone. "Well?"
"I mean, it's just rumors. I shouldn't assume it's just when you wrote those things to me...I didn't understand why . I don't know why—"
Sirius furrowed his brow. "I wouldn't just say shit like that if I didn't mean it. I know I used to be…impulsive and erratic but I've changed, Rem. I thought you knew that. Don't you trust me?"
Sirius asked the last question lightly, but when Remus met his eyes, he saw they had a certain hardness in them—clearly he thought he already knew the answer. "I trust you," Remus said, the words quiet. "But I don't understand…no one's ever said anything like that to me before. No one has and you…we…"
Remus' voice trailed off, and he went back to staring at his knees. " You don't understand? How do you think I feel?" Sirius asked.
Remus frowned. "What do you mean?"
"Last night. You just snogged me and ran off," he snapped. Remus crossed his arms and finally looked up to meet Sirius's fierce eyes. They were brighter than they had been at breakfast—sharper and more blue.
"I didn't just…snog you and run off!" objected Remus. " You kissed me ."
"You kissed me back." The words hung in the air; Remus had nothing to say. He had kissed him back—he'd wanted to. "Then you ran off, said you didn't like me like that. But I think that's bullshit—you don't go around kissing anyone, do you? So what is it? Are you embarrassed by me? Or is it just too much being queer and a werewolf? Would your parents be disappointed?"
Remus wasn't sure why their conversation had taken such a turn, and he regarded Sirius cooly for a few minutes before standing up.
"I said I'd lend Peter one of my old potions essays. I should go help him."
"So that's it?" Came Sirius' angry reply. But Remus was gone, climbing through the portrait, refusing to acknowledge him. It was the last thing he heard before the door closed behind him.
Remus felt rather silly. In his head, he figured Sirius would just automatically understand him, as if he could read his mind, and they'd have a nice conversation and maybe (just maybe) kiss. He knew he should push aside the irritation he felt, go back, and explain his side, as well as get an explanation for Sirius' behavior. But he didn't.
Sirius watched Remus disappear, and sat in stunned silence for a moment. He was already regretting what he'd said. He didn't even mean it really, the thing about being a queer werewolf. And as if Sirius could comment on disappointing parents . That was practically his full-time job. Sirius gathered his things in his bag and got up, now determined to find Remus and apologize. He hadn't had any idea why Remus would run away, but after the conversation they'd just had, he was beginning to understand.
"I don't think he wants to talk to you, dear." The Fat Lady was checking her hair in a mirror when he approached her, running her fingers through it and making sure the pins were in the correct place.
Sirius crossed his arms. " Bertie Botts Every-Flavour Beans ." He recited the password, but she still didn't open the door.
"Really, I'm quite experienced in—"
"—just open the door!" Sirius snapped.
She sighed. "Well, it's your life."
Inside, Sirius quickly glanced around the half-empty room. He saw Remus in a quiet corner with Peter, both pouring over an essay on the table. James and Lily were also at their table, giggling about something. Sirius smiled as he watched Remus throw a wadded up piece of paper at James's head in a fruitless attempt to shut him up.
He was quickly losing confidence. The more he looked at Remus, the less Sirius was sure of his plan. Perhaps he'd just wait until after lunch, during their free block. With a sigh, Sirius wandered over to Mary, who was sprawled out on the rug by the fire painting her nails.
"Hey," he said glumly, plopping down next to her.
"Merlin, who died?" she teased him, glancing up at him with her dark, smiling eyes.
"My love life," he sighed.
"Aw, it can't be that bad."
"Well, we tried to talk about our feelings and immediately started bickering. Then he left."
"You'll work it out. You always do," said Mary. She was always so sure about things. Sirius couldn't help but give her a small smile.
"Thanks, Mary." He looked down at one of the small bottles she'd set out on the floor. It was a dark red nail polish that proudly stated it was ' every Witch's favourite no chip, instant drying polish! ' "Will you paint my nails?"
Notes:
hi :) i hope you enjoyed this chapter. comment/kudos if you'd like
Chapter 14: voldemort loves a christmas party
Notes:
hello! exciting note! i'm going to put the link to the spotify playlist i've created in the summary for this fic! i'll be editing it and adding more songs and stuff but i felt it was good enough to share at this point! it's mostly 70s music, bc i wanted to keep it somewhat time-accurate, but i have deviated somewhat from that so there's modern stuff on there as well :) enjoy !!
(also, less exciting, but content warning for a somewhat vague mention of physical abuse)
EDITED: 8.11.21
hi! content warning still applies. also you should totally check out the playlist bc I still do add songs on there sometimes lol (It actually has 89 likes rn I think? which is wild)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
" All I'm tryna say
Is I miss you in every way
Fingertips on my back
Things I know that I can't have "
— "north," clairo
Remus managed to avoid Sirius until lunchtime. It had been easy, at first.
Their potions exam gave Remus a blissful two hours where he knew no one could talk to him. Slughorn thankfully separated all four Marauders for the exam, but Remus couldn't help but notice that Sirius was sitting only two tables over with painted nails —a new look that suited him far too much.
Lunch had been a little harder to maneuver. He'd managed to squeeze himself in between Lily and Mary, a few seats down from Sirius. He'd enjoyed the easy conversation about Lily's sister Petunia and her boyfriend (Vernon) and their plans to marry. Throughout it all Remus listened quietly, occasionally saying a word or two and picking half-heartedly at the fruit he'd scooped on his plate. He was hungry, but found he had too much pent up anxiety to eat much of anything.
"Well, my mother was furious when she found out. She thought that Petunia must be pregnant. It was all ' your father and I had known each other for years before we got married' and ' How will Vernon provide for your child? '" Lily calmly sipped her pumpkin juice. "Petunia wasn't pregnant, so naturally my mother has completely changed her tune and is absolutely thrilled . She talks about wedding planning at least twice every time she writes to me—I think I actually prefered when she was angry all the time."
Mary shuddered. "I know what you mean. I think my mum actually forgot about me when she was planning for my sister's wedding last summer. I went to Marlene's for a whole week and when I came back she acted like I'd popped out to the store. Have you met this Vernon bloke?"
"Yeah, I met him when I was home for the summer. Awful man, but we did learn that he will be getting a very respectable job at Grunnings ."
Mary snorted. "God, sounds wonderful."
"Oh, it is," Lily grinned. "It seemed to work well enough on my father though. He hardly shuts up about Vernon now." She paused. "Remus, you're not eating hardly enough food. Here have some of my—"
"I'm alright, thanks Lils." Remus smiled at her. He knew there was an argument on the tip of her tongue in the way that she furrowed her brow, her lips twitched downward, but there was no time for her to berate him as it was then that the owl arrived.
It was a large, impressive owl with a bright red envelope in its beak, and it was clearly meant to make a scene—swooping down the tables, the only owl to arrive during lunchtime. The school seemed to quiet as the students in the hall watched, entranced, as the animal flew down the Gryffindor table and landed right in front of Sirius Black, dropping the Howler in his lap and immediately nibbling at some bread on his plate.
"Oh, fuck ." Remus heard Sirius mutter, picking up the smoking letter with one hand and shooing the owl away with the other.
"Is it from her ?" James asked, eyes wide, remembering the letter Sirius had sent his cousin just days before. "Walburga?"
Sirius nodded and got up, stumbling as he tried to make his way out of the Great Hall before the letter exploded. He made it—just barely. The doors snapped shut just as the angry voice of Walburga Black burst from the envelope. The hall was still deathly quiet, although the teachers were doing their best to keep up conversation and distract from the Howler, talking perhaps a bit louder than they usually would. It wasn't enough—the students paid them no mind; Black family drama was far more interesting.
Remus caught James's eyes across the table. At that moment, Remus felt that being a Marauder outweighed any of the other drama going on between him and Sirius. "Should we—?"
James shook his head. "Nah, I reckon we let her finish…"
"—A DISGRACE TO THE NOBL—"
"Right! Well, um, I think I failed my potions midterm." James said after clearing his throat loudly, in an attempt to distract from the yelling outside. Slowly, conversation began to pick up as friends went back to their meals. Amongst them was Regulus, who Remus saw at the Slytherin table staring, wide-eyed, at the closed doors of the Great Hall. His face was pale and his plate was full of food he'd obviously just been pushing around.
"—HOW DARE YOU—"
"I can't believe Lily didn't let you cheat off of her," said Remus, forcing a smile and looking away from Regulus.
"—YOUR COUSIN—"
"Oh, she'd never ," James was looking around the room, and threw a bread roll at a sixth year down the table who was clearly trying to hear the Howler over the growing din of the other students. " Oi , eat your lunch," he called to him, practically growling. The boy looked down at his plate, cheeks tinted pink.
"—YOUR DUTY AS A—"
"Do you think she'll make him go home for Christmas?" Peter asked, worrying the hem of his robes.
"—IMPORTANT GUESTS—"
"She'll have to get through us three, first," said James, a protective glint in his eyes. Remus nodded vigorously.
"—SCUM—"
"Oh, right, obviously!" said Peter, swallowing hard.
"—NEVER SPEAK TO—"
"I'm getting the feeling she doesn't want him home for Christmas…" said Remus in a whisper.
"—AGAIN."
Peter looked up from his plate, eyes wide. "She's done. Should we go?"
The three boys quickly got up and left the hall, trying to slip discreetly through the door. There, looking small in the great empty room, Sirius stood, trying to brush the ash from the exploded letter off his robes.
"Forgot these burst into flames. Merlin, what a mess…" Sirius muttered. He looked up at his hovering friends then, giving them a small smile that didn't meet his eyes. "I'm fine, really."
"Are you sure?" Remus asked, frowning.
"Well, I was hoping not to get ash all over my robes this afternoon but other than that I suppose I'm alright," Sirius said lightly.
"She was saying some awful things…" Peter said. Sirius shrugged in response.
"She's always saying awful things. It's nothing new. In fact, I'd say it's even better over Howler because she can only say things and she can't—well, she can't, um…" his sentence fizzled out, and Remus stepped closer to him, until the backs of their hands brushed against each other.
Sirius breathed out a sigh as he felt Remus' hand brush the back of his. Silently, without even looking his way, Sirius slipped his hand into Remus's. Surely he would allow him this one comfort, right? Even if he had fucked things up in the corridor earlier. To his great relief, Remus didn't pull away.
"I think we should tell Dumbledore," said James, oblivious to Sirius' emotional turmoil over the hand holding. He began pacing, pushing his glasses up his nose, and messing his hair up—a clear indicator that he was entering, what the Marauders like to call, Thinking Mode.
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Tell him what? That my mummy got mad at me because I told my cousin to fuck off?"
" No , you heard her…she said…she said there'd be important guests…"
"Like Voldemort? At the Christmas party?" Peter piped up, eyes following James as he paced in front of them. Sirius snorted at this.
"I reckon Voldemort loves a Christmas party. Think he likes the little Christmas Crackers? Maybe a snog under the mistletoe?"
"Now I've got the image of Voldemort snogging someone, Pads, thanks." Remus said, wrinkling his nose.
"You're so welcome, Moony!"
"No, no, guys, Wormy's right. There's gotta be Death Eaters going to this party! I mean, you know the crowd your family hangs around, and if she wants you to go, maybe they were going to like…force you to join up!" James exclaimed, stopping his pacing.
"More like they wanted me to go so they could corner and murder me. That would solve lots of their issues, I'm sure," Sirius said drily. "But I do see your point…"
"Do you think Regulus would know? He looked awfully pale during lunch," said Remus. "Scared, almost."
Sirius nervously bit his bottom lip, avoiding their eyes as he thought of something to say. Regulus probably was scared—scared of what his mother might do to him, to the both of them. Reg had always gotten off easier with their parents, seeing as he made an effort to fit in with the family, to follow the rules. Sirius was the only reason he ever got in trouble—he'd been caught giving Sirius food when he was locked away, learning healing spells to use on Sirius, actually using the healing spells one night after their parents had blown up on Sirius. He'd gotten in big trouble for him, and then Sirius got himself disowned and he left him alone. Alone in that big, dark, empty house and—
"You don't have to talk to him," said Remus quickly, squeezing his hand and bringing him back to the present. James was there, fingers tangled in his hair; Peter was standing off to the side, brow furrowed as he thought deeply about something. Remus was there too—hand in his, the soft skin of his thumb pressing into the back of his hand. "We'll just tell Dumbledore what we know, I'm sure he'll take care of it."
"Yeah, don't worry about it," James said kindly, nudging Sirius's shoe with his own to get his attention, "we can tell him, if you want."
Sirius smiled then, rolling his eyes fondly. He took a steadying breath. "Thanks, mum , but I think I can keep it together long enough to talk to Dumbledore."
"Mhm…"
"Hey! Want to go talk to Myrtle now? Lunch is almost over," suggested Peter.
Sirius grinned. "Absolutely. You're a lifesaver, Pete."
Peter grinned, picking his bag up from the floor and slung it over his shoulder. "I am good for some things."
"What! You're good for loads of things," James exclaimed, throwing an arm around the smaller boy as they started up the big staircase.
"Hah, bet that's what his girlfriend says…" muttered Sirius, barely containing his grin.
They all groaned in unison.
"You're ridiculous ," sighed Peter.
Sirius opened his mouth, but Remus elbowed him. "If you make a single joke about being Sirius I promise you will regret it for the rest of your life…"
"Thanks, Moony. Don't think I could take many more of those," Peter said.
"I think I need some friends who appreciate a good pun," muttered Sirius.
"Maybe Snivellus is recruiting! The poor lad could probably do with some good pureblood friends like you," James suggested, his tone overly-cheerful.
Sirius chuckled. "Piss off, Potter."
"Should we go in yet?"
"Shh, I'm listening, Sirius,"
"Sorry."
"I can't hear— ouch , Wormy you just stuck your claws into my shoulder…"
"Ow! Rem, that was my toe! Why are you so bloody tall?"
"It's a werewolf thing."
"…It is?"
"No, idiot. Okay, I hear him talking. Sirius be quiet…"
Remus pushed open the door to the bathroom slowly, creating a small gap for him, Sirius, and Peter (in rat form) to enter under the invisibility cloak. They didn't all fit anymore, so they usually carried Peter around as a rat when they all needed to get under the cloak together.
In the bathroom, James was looking apprehensively up at the ghost of Moaning Myrtle, who was floating up by one of the high windows, arms crossed and looking angrily down at him.
"This is already making me feel so much better," Sirius whispered, grinning. Remus rolled his eyes.
"I'm so glad."
"Listen, Moa-Myrtle, er, Myrtle . I had a favor to ask…"
"A favor?" she asked, eyebrows arched.
"Yeah," James paused, then his face lit up, and his voice became more confident. He'd had an idea. " Actually , it's less for me but more for you!"
"Really?" her translucent eyes narrowed; clearly most people were not willing to do any favors for Myrtle.
"It's just, I know you spend all your time in this um, really nice bathroom, but I thought it'd do you well to see another part of the castle…"
"Oh, he's stupid." Remus muttered. He felt Sirius's exhale of a laugh on his cheek.
" Really stupid."
"Oh." Myrtle's voice had taken on a high pitched anger that even James could recognize. She flew down from her spot by the window. James stumbled over his robes as he stepped back. "You think I need to get out more, do you? Well, Potter , I actually don't mind this…this…"
"This really nice bathroom?" supplied James.
"You're lying to me." She seemed close to tears now, her voice wavering and her bottom lip trembling. Remus was beginning to think that James wouldn't be able to redeem himself.
"No, no!" James tried to reassure her, rushing forward as though he were going to take Myrtle by the shoulders. "I'd never lie to you. I mean, honestly, if I were a ghost I wouldn't half mind haunting a U-Bend in this girl's toilet…"
"He's done it now," Sirius commented gleefully, biting his lip to contain his laughter.
He was right. As soon as the words were out of James's mouth, Myrtle howled, and dove head first into the nearest toilet.
Peter squeaked from Remus's shoulder. Sirius sent his friend a half-glance, then shrugged.
"Yeah, I dunno, Wormy. I'm not sure where he can go from here…"
James, however, was hiding his secret weapon. A secret weapon, which was—quite literally hidden—under an invisibility cloak in the corner of the room.
"Myrtle, I'm really sorry I've upset you…" James started slowly, approaching the stall she'd flown into trepidatiously.
"You're still here?" Her head popped up in the toilet bowl, scowling.
"Yeah, but my friend just showed up! Someone you like…"
"Is it him ?" The scowl melted off her face, and Remus realized, with a swooping feeling in his gut, that he knew exactly where this was going. "…Lupin?"
Remus groaned.
"Yep! Come on out, Mr. Moony."
"Oh, I am going to kill him." Remus muttered, arms crossed. Sirius was shaking silently with laughter, and Remus purposefully stepped on his toes as he ducked out from under the cloak. He gently picked up Peter from his shoulder and pressed him into Sirius's hands, taking the opportunity to glare at him one more time. "Shut up!"
It had started snowing again by the time they left the bathroom. Students scurried from class to class, some wearing scarves to avoid the chill that had settled in the stone corridors.
"I can't believe I just watched Moony flirt with a ghost for twenty minutes." Sirius chuckled.
"' Have you done something nice with your hair?' " Peter asked, mocking Remus in a—frankly awful—imitation of his Welsh accent.
"Hah. She actually got quite offended by that one…" said Remus. "With good reason, I suppose. She is dead, after all; she can't do much with her hair."
"She wasn't offended when you told her that…oh, what was it?" James asked, giggling.
"Oh, oh, he said, 'I'm not sure if it's just the light in here, but you look gorgeous today,'" Peter could barely talk for laughing. James muttered a " gorgeous" between gasps of laughter.
Remus, however, was not amused. He hid his face in his hands and grumbled. " Stop, you're embarrassing me." When they ignored him, he picked his head up with a newfound passion and glared at them. "Oi! I'd like to see you try and do any better! She agreed to do the prank, so clearly I was doing something right. You lot ought to start taking notes…"
"On flirting?" James asked, recovering somewhat from his laughing fit. "In case you haven't noticed, mate, you're one of the only single ones here."
"Oh, really? I hadn't noticed, thanks, James." Remus muttered, crossing his arms.
"Ah, but James, how could you forget that Moony is dating Padfoot!" Peter exclaimed. James gasped, over-dramatically.
"You're right, Pete! How could we forget!"
"We're not dating, actually." Sirius said. Remus tried to catch his eye, but he was staring studiously ahead. Remus was upset at what Sirius had said that morning, but honestly he had thought that they were fine now, that everything had been forgiven after the lunch incident.
Clearly, he'd been wrong.
There was an awkward silence. Two second years bounded past them, shrieking with laughter and covered in snow.
"You know," James said carefully, "I was thinking that you guys could probably stop your dare now. I think you've convinced the school at this point."
Remus felt his heart plummet, but decided to let Sirius talk first.
"Yeah, alright," he was looking at the ground but looked up and shot Remus a tentative smile. "I suppose we did do a pretty good job."
Remus stared at him in silence a moment, the tiniest frown creasing his features. "I guess," he said eventually. "I'm going to the library."
Remus's footsteps echoed off the stone walls, and he tried to ignore the feeling of Sirius's eyes on his back as he walked away.
Notes:
hello again :) comment and kudos if you would like !! thank you to everyone who has been reading/loving this fic
Chapter 15: amateurs
Notes:
EDITED: 8.13.21
hello:)) later on in this chapter there's some talk of homophobia and another vague mention of physical abuse. take care
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
" If I could give you the moon
I would give you the moon."
— "moon song," phoebe bridgers
Hestia ran her fingers through Marlene's hair, gently pulling through the golden tangles and humming something slow just under her breath. The two were sitting in a hidden enclave behind a portrait near the Gryffindor common room. It was a room that they'd found at the start of term, and would hide in when they didn't want to be bothered.
Marlene sighed as Hestia began sectioning the chunk of hair, then gently twisting and braiding it.
"Something on your mind?" Hestia asked, listening to the irritated huffs of breath her girlfriend emitted every few minutes. She could picture the little creases in between Marlene's pale eyebrows and the tip of her tongue just visible between her teeth as she concentrated.
"Just this bloody Ancient Runes exam," Marlene sighed again, looking down at the open textbook in front of her, the beam of light from her wand illuminating the strange symbols.
"Hair tie." Marlene pressed the hair tie into the hand that appeared just on the edges of her vision. As soon as the braid was secure, Hestia peered over Marlene's shoulder and quietly scanned the page. Pulling back, she pressed a kiss on the base of her neck before starting on the other braid. "I wouldn't worry, love, you always do well in Ancient Runes. Besides, you don't even need the Newt to be a Healer; I thought you just liked the subject."
Hestia secured the second braid, and Marlene sighed again. "I did like the subject, until last night…when I remembered I needed to study it." Marlene slumped back between Hestia's legs, her back pressed against her chest. "I wish Remus was here…"
Marlene felt Hestia chuckle beneath her. "Oi! I doubt Remus could braid your hair and cuddle you as well as I can."
"I suppose." Marlene grinned, then pressed a kiss to Hestia's jaw, the closest part of her she could reach. "I only meant that he's the best at Ancient Runes, which even Lily would admit, and I just—"
The portrait hiding their spot was flung back, and the two surprised girls were met with the faces of James, Sirius, and Peter.
"How'd you find this place?" Hestia asked, breaking the awkward silence.
Peter chuckled. "We found it when we were eleven."
"Amateurs," Sirius added under his breath.
"Oi! If you're just going to be rude, you can leave," Marlene crossed her arms and scowled up at the boys. Sirius opened his mouth, surely with some snappy retort on the tip of his tongue, but James spoke before he could.
"Sorry Marls," James said quickly, before Marlene and Sirius began truly bickering. "We were just wondering if you've seen Remus?"
Remus was very much regretting his decision to hide out in the greenhouses. It was fucking freezing, and there was a particularly active plant that kept trying to yank at his hair. He'd taken refuge under one of the tables, mostly to avoid the plant assault but also to avoid any students who might come in.
The colder it got, the more he began to wonder why he was such a bloody idiot.
He'd taken the map with him, so was able to watch for anyone who might try and find him. Frank had come in earlier, presumably on some mission for Professor Sprout. Remus had held his breath, but the other boy didn't seem to have noticed him as he checked on the Mandrakes growing in the corner before leaving with Alice, who was waiting for him at the door.
Despite his attempts to hide from his friends, he was hardly surprised when Sirius found him about an hour or so into his seclusion. Remus didn't even need the map to know who it was. He had recognized the gentle, familiar sound of his footsteps and the subtle scent of coconuts and something earthy and Sirius that just seemed to follow him wherever he went. He was alone, Remus could tell, but a glance at the map showed James and Peter down by the kitchens.
"Moooony, I know you're in here," called Sirius, coming to stop right in front of the table Remus was under.
"How'd you find me?" Remus grumbled, resigning himself to his fate. Sirius's face appeared then, grinning, and he crawled under the table so he could settle himself across from Remus.
Their knees were pressed together and with a pang in his chest, Remus remembered the night before, behind the portrait. They'd been in a similarly close position. But, he supposed wryly, the situations were rather different.
"Frank told me." Sirius shrugged.
"The snitch! And I thought I'd hidden myself well…"
" Well , I wouldn't get too upset with Frank. He may or may not have been threatened to tell me with dire consequences to vital parts of his anatomy."
"Sirius, you can't just threaten people like that," Remus rolled his eyes. When he met Sirius's again, they were shining with indignation.
"Hey! If I hadn't threatened him you might have frozen to death before I found you." Remus cursed silently as his body chose that moment to shiver violently, only proving Sirius right. "I mean, honestly, you look terrible."
"Sweet of you," he said dryly, pulling his hands up into the sleeves of his robe, hoping to find some warmth there. He looked down apprehensively when Sirius held out his hands. "What are you doing?"
"Give me your hands, Rem. I can't have you dying on me before we make up." Make up . Giving in with a grumble, Remus put his hands into Sirius's blessedly warm ones.
"Is that what you're here for? To make up?" Remus asked. Sirius paused before responding, gently rubbing the warmth back into Remus's hands. (It was incredibly distracting.)
"Yes. But, er, well, I don't want you to feel you need to give me anything or—" Sirius stumbled along rather awkwardly.
Remus raised an eyebrow, playing the role of cool and composed, despite feeling very much the opposite. "Well, that's good. I wasn't planning on shagging you under this Herbology table in below freezing weather, if that's what you were implying. Besides, the Mandrakes are only babies, and I really don't think Professor Sprout would appreciate them being exposed to that."
Sirius chuckled. "I meant that I don't want you to feel you need to say anything. I just wanted to apologize for saying that thing about being a disappointment to your parents for being a werewolf and—"
"—gay." Remus finished, voice quiet, the humor that had lined his face moments before had gone. Sirius nodded.
"Yes. Honestly, Remus, you're the best person I know. I can't imagine anyone being disappointed in you. It was a silly thing to say, and I think I was just projecting..."
"Have you secretly become a werewolf since the last full moon?"
"Well, no, but I am a pureblood. Gay werewolf, gay pureblood, same difference."
"I suppose I just got upset because you weren't wrong . Honestly, my parents probably would be disappointed if they knew. I suppose my mother wouldn't be too upset by it, but it would just become another thing we never talk about. Another fucking secret . My father would probably yell and…and…"
"Yeah." Sirius said in a whisper, understanding without needing the other boy to go on.
"And, well, that's just the thing, isn't it— no one is going to accept us, really. The Wizarding World isn't so different from the Muggle one. I know you've seen the looks we've been getting in the halls these past few days, and just this afternoon on my way down here I heard these boys saying the most awful things about Marlene and Hestia…" Remus tore his eyes away from Sirius and watched as the purple and orange winter evening glow settled over the snowy landscape.
"Is that why you left last night?" Sirius asked, his thumb ghosting over Remus's left palm. Their eyes met again, and Remus gave a tiny nod.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said what I said. About—about not being like that . I really like you. A lot. It was shitty of me." Finally saying it out loud felt like both a weight lifting off his shoulders, yet also the scariest thing he'd ever done. He bit his lip and watched Sirius' hands around his. "It's just…dangerous."
"Has that ever stopped us before?" Sirius asked. He had that almost-crazed gleam in his eyes that filled Remus simultaneously with a sense of nerves and that exhilarating feeling of being able to do anything in the world. "What's life without a little risk? We could give it a shot…if you want."
Remus sighed, already hating himself for what he was about to say. "Can I just think about it?" Part of him felt like a coward—he'd practically dreamt of this for the past two years. The other part of him felt like this is what he deserved. He was a coward and a monster and a million other things that made him unworthy of anything Sirius had to offer him.
Not sure if Sirius would be angry with him, he held his breath as he waited for a response. There was no yelling though, only another soft brush of Sirius' fingers against his hand.
"Of course," Sirius said gently. "But you should know that I did mean what I said in that note—you are the most gorgeous, most wonderful boy I've ever met." His voice was so gentle, in fact, that Remus thought he might cry.
"Thank you," Remus whispered. Hearing the wavering tone of his own voice, Remus cleared his throat. He blinked back the emotion and busied himself with climbing out from under the table.
"Hungry? I do believe our dear Severus has a date to dinner tonight." It was a familiar, light topic, which Remus was in need of at that moment. He held out his hand to Sirius and pulled him up.
"Oh, absolutely."
As Sirius walked back up to the school with Remus beside him, he thought about the conversation they'd just had. Knowing Remus liked him ( really liked him . A lot ) made his stomach flip.
He'd meant what he'd said—he would wait for Remus if he had too; he knew he'd come around. And before he did, Sirius would be sure to show him that it was okay—okay to be different, okay to be loved and love in return. It didn't have to be a bad thing. In fact, it was the very same lesson that Remus and James and Peter had taught him time and time again over the past seven years—he'd only be paying forward the favor.
James and Peter were waiting for them by the front doors, sharing a slice of cake they'd clearly gotten from the kitchens.
"Chocolate cake? I thought you two were supposed to be looking for me." Remus crossed his arms and gave his friends his most Prefect-like look.
"Well, it was for you, actually, but Mr-I'm-Starving-and-Haven't-Eaten-Since-Lunch just couldn't wait," Peter said, turning on James as well.
"Oi! You had some too!" James waved his fork in the air indignantly and a small piece of cake flew off it, landing some feet away on the stone floor. James turned his chocolaty grin towards Remus and Sirius. "So…you two make up? Make out ?"
Remus rolled his eyes, and took the cake and fork from James's hands. "No," he said, before taking a bite of the demolished remains.
"You didn't make up?"
"We made up, we didn't make out." Clarified Sirius.
Remus nodded, mouth full. On any other occasion, Remus would not have eaten leftovers from either James or Peter, let alone their combined leftovers, but he felt he deserved some cake after the day he'd just had, and was willing to do pretty much anything to get it (even if that meant being the third person to eat from a single unwashed fork).
"Honestly, sometimes I wonder why Lily gave in to you," Remus commented, after swallowing.
"Hey! I'm a very sweet and fun guy."
James was ignored, and Sirius chuckled. "I often find myself wondering the exact same thing, Moony."
Their prank on Snape was a nice distraction for Remus. He was able to laugh and poke fun at him as Myrtle stood behind him the whole evening, making loud, flirty comments, much to the chagrin of their greasy-haired nemesis.
He hadn't even minded the talking-to from Lily and the other girls that evening. It felt merely like the next few steps in a dance he'd perfected over the last seven years.
"You four are really going to get in trouble for that stunt at dinner," Lily said. The four boys were sitting on their usual couch, while Lily stood menacingly before them. "In fact, as Head Girl, I should be giving you all detention."
"As Head Boy, can I get us all out of detention?" James inquired. Lily sent him a withering glare, and he raised his hands in surrender. "Sorry. Love you." (Remus saw her smile a little at that before she promptly turned away from them).
"First of all, that's probably the first time Myrtle's left that bathroom in the past thirty years—so they should be congratulating us, or at least asking how we did it," said Sirius.
"How did you do it?" Mary asked, curiosity laced into her voice. She'd perched herself on the arm of Alice's chair, and had been absentmindedly flicking through a textbook before Lily had started her tirade against the boys.
"It was Remus," said Peter.
"As usual," James added with a boyish grin. "Apparently he's really good at flirting with ghosts."
"Flirting with ghosts?" Mary repeated.
"I'm not sure if it's just the light in here, but you look gorgeous today," Sirius said, deepening his voice.
Remus rolled his eyes. "I do not sound like that," he muttered.
"Oh, Remus, you did not say that," Alice said between laughs.
"I did, and I'm regretting it more and more as it becomes increasingly clear that no one is ever going to let me live it down." Remus sighed, and dropped his head into his hands as his friends fell into another round of giggles.
When everyone eventually pulled it together, Sirius found that he was running five minutes late for his detention that evening. Muttering something about McGonagall actually killing him , he scrambled out of the room, the portrait swinging shut behind him.
Moments after he left, Peter smacked a hand to his forehead in a way that was almost comical. "Dorm room! Emergency Marauder meeting," he said, jumping up and shooting glances at the girls. In a low whisper, he continued: "We forgot about Dumbledore!"
Not wanting to exclude Sirius from the meeting with Dumbledore, the boys eventually ended up writing a letter to their Headmaster to explain the situation with the Black's Christmas party and to ask if they could meet with him ASAP.
They had a few arguments over the wording ( "We can't say 'ASAP', Prongs, I highly doubt Dumbledore knows what that means."…"I thought he was smart, Moony!"..."Well, yes, but Wizards don't really use it, do they?"..."I do, and I'm a Wizard."..."I'm writing 'as soon as possible'."..."Moony!"..."Sorry, Prongs, but you did say Moony should write the letter."..."Piss off, Wormtail." ), but eventually they'd all stuck their heads out of the window to watch James' owl carry the letter the short distance to Dumbledore's office. They watched until the night obscured their vision, and they could only hope it had made it.
"Do you think it will get intercepted?" Peter asked, pulling on his pyjamas and glancing, worried, at the window every few moments.
"No, we practically watched it the whole way. Unless someone's killed Dumbledore, taken over his office, has read the letter, and knows what we were writing about, I'd say we'll be alright."
"Merlin, James, that's quite the image." Remus said with a snort, settling into his bed with a book in his hands ( Pride and Prejudice —his mother's old copy. It was, without a doubt, his comfort book).
"My mother used to tell me I have an overactive imagination…"
"You seem far too proud of that."
"No one would be able to break in and kill Dumbledore…right?"
"Dumbledore will be fine, Pete, no need to worry your pretty little head over it."
"Ugh, James ."
Notes:
comment and kudos if you would like!! i hope you all enjoyed the chapter
Chapter 16: mon petit chou
Notes:
i've had an incredibly chaotic three weeks. lots of exams and papers and projects !! it's not been super fun, but i'm back now haha. this chapter has been in the making for quite a while, since i've had basically no time to write, so sorry if it feels a little weirdly written. i have a pretty solid plan for the next chapter and i've got lots of time so hopefully that will be up soon. anyway ! enjoy !
EDITED: 8.19.21
some more major edits about halfway through this chapter! though I did edit the beginning quite a bit too. this chapter actually gets really depressing lmao and it may or may not have been because i listened to the entirety of phoebe bridgers' discography while editing it
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
" I'm trying to make up my mind
Just how I feel
Could you tell me what's real?
I hear your voice on the phone
Now I'm no longer alone "
— "can i call you tonight?" dayglow
tuesday, december 17, 1977
Dear Remus,
Thank you for writing. Artemis seemed excited to see me—she ate nearly all my breakfast right off my plate! Your father says I shouldn't let an owl behave like that, but I found it all rather amusing.
I'm glad to hear you've had a good term so far. Are you feeling okay? I know that the full passed only just a few days ago. Your father says it's silly, but I never sleep well on those nights—I worry myself sick over you, cariad.
I know you're planning on staying for the Christmas holidays, but I, and your father of course, were hoping you might come back home for the Easter ones. I can't wait to see my soon-to-be Hogwarts graduate.
Also, this package arrived today. I thought I'd send it with Artemis. I ended up having to send your father's owl as well, as the package was so big. I'm assuming it's a Christmas present, since it was wrapped when it arrived, so I just let it be.
I hope you have a wonderful Christmas, darling,
Love,
Mother
P.S. Your father wants me to ask if you could ask Artemis to not bite him as much. I suspect he's just jealous she likes me more than him, though I wouldn't dare say it. Feed her an extra sausage for me, won't you?
Remus looked up from his letter, and nudged a half-eaten sausage towards his snowy owl. Artemis ate it quickly before turning on Sirius's plate and eating some of his eggs. Sirius tried to push her away but she merely nipped gently at his fingers and nudged his hand out of the way with the top of her feathered head. (Artemis was a very spoiled owl. Remus could never find it in himself to deny her anything.)
"From your mum?" James asked, eyes scanning the big wrapped package that Lyall Lupin's owl was perched on, gazing importantly at the students surrounding him.
Remus hummed non-committedly, re-reading his mother's words. He sighed and set the paper down, looking up to shoo away his father's bird. "Go!"—the owl only looked at him—"Go on!"
This time, the owl hooted once, and flew away. "Prat." Remus muttered.
"The owl?" Peter asked around a bite of toast.
"My father," Remus clarified. "It's always 'your father says' this and 'your father says' that. I mean honestly, it's like the man bloody controls her every thought."
"Well, does he?" Sirius asked, still fighting a losing battle with Artemis over his breakfast. "Walburga used to say the most ridiculous stuff about wives being controlled by their husbands."
It had been nearly a whole year since Sirius ran away from home, and he had taken to calling his real mother and father Walburga and Orion, respectively. (Mr and Mrs. Potter were now "mum" and "dad", but Remus knew Sirius still felt a little awkward about it sometimes).
Remus sighed again. "I suppose he does…he bloody controls everything else." He looked back down at the letter.
I worry myself sick over you, cariad… your father says it's silly…
"What's in the package?" Peter asked, drawing Remus from his thoughts. Inside the plain brown wrappings was the Christmas present that Remus had ordered Sirius a few days previous.
"A Christmas present." Remus folded up the letter and slipped it back into its envelope.
"Who's it for?" Sirius asked, wiggling his eyebrows. Remus rolled his eyes at him but smiled a little all the same.
"I guess you'll just have to find out."
Sirius stuck his tongue out at him and Remus returned the gesture.
The two hadn't yet talked about their conversation in the greenhouses the day before. Remus was worried that Sirius would become impatient, as he often did, and leave him behind. His fears had been assuaged somewhat when he'd woken that morning to find Sirius curled up, in dog form, at the end of his bed.
"You were having a nightmare," he'd said, when Remus asked.
" You don't have to climb into my bed every time I have a nightmare, you know. "
" I have since we were eleven, haven't I? " (Remus couldn't argue with that.)
Remembering the events of that morning dampened Remus' mood as he pushed the remains of his breakfast around with his fork. It wasn't because he was upset with Sirius, but rather that his thoughtful actions only reminded Remus of what he was missing out on. Of what he was pushing away for some reason he barely even understood himself. He knew his friends loved him, but did he really deserve this? To be loved like this ?
As if sensing something was the matter, Sirius leaned in towards Remus. "You alright, Moons? Is it your dad? Because dads are usually assholes. You don't even need a dad, really, 'cause we've got James. James is like…well he's really more like his mum but he's got just as many dad qualities I suppose. He's certainly got all the jokes for one—"
Sirius squealed as James flicked a glob of eggs at him from across the table.
"I do not have dad jokes , Sirius!"
"Yes you do," Peter said, grinning from behind the lip of his tea cup. "Remember the very first time we met, when we were eight and I'd just moved to town? My mum had talked to yours, and we all had this lunch at your house. Afterwards you made us go outside to look for gnomes to sneak into the dining room and I was bloody freezing and I said, 'I'm cold.' And you said, 'hi cold, I'm James.' You made the dad joke. And it was the lamest thing I think you've ever done."
" How have we never heard this story?" Sirius exclaimed between laughs.
"I can't believe you stayed friends with him, Pete," Remus said, smiling despite himself. (His friends always managed to make him smile.)
"I can hardly believe it myself." Peter shook his head mock-solemnly.
James' dark skin was flushed a deep red from embarrassment. " Guys ," he whined, "listen, I didn't get out much! I really only hung out with my parents until Pete moved nearby. And you've all met my dad, so it shouldn't be that shocking."
"I think he's just naturally lame," Sirius whispered into Remus' ear.
Remus grinned. "Oh, definitely."
"I hear you two whispering over there!"
Mum,
Artemis seems glad to be back. She ate nearly all of Sirius's eggs this morning. I swear she's fed; I suppose she's just got a big appetite (wonder who she picked that up from).
The moon was alright, just bad timing because of exams and all that. You needn't worry about me. I'm sorry I've worried you. My moon's have gotten loads easier and they're always better at school anyway.
I'll come back for the Easter holidays… If you want, I can——
Just as Remus let out an irritated huff, the portrait hole swung open and Sirius climbed through. He was walking slowly, and nearly walked into three people as he made his way over to them. In the same trance-like way he'd walked towards them, Sirius pulled out the chair next to Remus and sat down. There seemed to be a small square of paper closed tight in his fist. Tentatively, Remus reached out a foot to brush against his.
Sirius startled when he felt the tip of Remus' shoe brush across his ankle. He looked up at Remus, and then back down at the note in his hand—the note Regulus had given him. Remus' gaze followed his.
"What's wrong, mate?" James asked, not even needing to look up from his Charms textbook to tell Sirius was in a mood.
Still saying nothing, Sirius watched as Remus crumpled up his unfinished letter and dropped it into his bag
"I saw Regulus in the hall," he said eventually. The other three boys perked up at this, and exchanged glances with each other.
"Did you…er, talk?" Peter asked gently.
"Not particularly."
Remus looked back down at the note in Sirius' hand. It was folded in an intricate tiny square—the way Regulus used to always fold his secret letters to Sirius when he was living at Grimmauld Place.
Sirius still hadn't opened it.
"Is that from him?" Remus asked gently. James had abandoned his Charms textbook. (Somewhere in the back of his mind Sirius registered that their Charms exam was in about an hour).
"Yes, I—I haven't opened it."
"Do you want me to?" Remus asked.
"I can break out my aristocratic voice again, if you'd like," James offered, speaking in that same terrible accent he'd used when reading Bellatrix's letter a few days before.
Sirius smiled weakly. "Thanks guys. I think I'll be alright, though."
They nodded and watched quietly as Sirius unfolded the letter (a pang in his chest at the familiarity of it all) and read Regulus' flowing script that so resembled his own.
Sirius,
Do not come home for Christmas.
It's a trap.
Mother told me she'd lock me up if I tell, but
I couldn't sit by and let her trick you again.
It's too late for me, but you've got your
freedom—and I can't let you lose it now.
Don't come home.
Your brother,
R.A.B.
Sirius read it once, then read it over again. What did this mean?
You've got your freedom—and I can't let you lose it now .
Did Regulus not resent him for leaving? But then he'd said it was "too late" for him. What did that mean? What had they done to him?
"Pads?" That was James, brows furrowed behind his glasses as he leaned across the table on his elbows towards Sirius.
Wordlessly, Sirius placed the note on the table and slid it to the middle. They all hurried to gather around it.
Remus finished first, sitting back down in his seat with a frown.
"What's he mean, ' it's too late for me '?" Peter asked, sitting down as well and sliding the note back towards Sirius.
"I dunno. I was wondering the same thing," Sirius sighed.
Remus bit his lip. "You don't think that maybe…maybe they gave him the… mark ?"
"The Dark Mark," James breathed, eyes wide.
They were all quiet as they let the gravity of his words settle in the air among them.
Sirius took a steadying breath, startling when he felt Remus pull at his hand. He'd begun gently scratching at the skin of his arm without noticing. He let Remus take his hand, and looked down to see the pale pink lines he'd made already fading into nothing.
If Sirius knew anything—it was that Regulus was not meant to be a Death Eater. He was a bit of a follower, sure, but he was also funny and sweet and thoughtful. He was brave—but in a different way than Sirius' loud and reckless bravery. He was calculated and quiet, sneaking into Sirius' room when their parents were asleep or slipping notes and food through the cracks in the cellar walls. Slytherin through and through, but not evil . Never evil.
"I can't imagine…"
"Can't imagine what, Sirius?" Remus asked quietly.
He hadn't even realized he'd spoken aloud. "Sorry."
Remus squeezed his hand. "Nothing to be sorry for."
"He's only sixteen. What do you think…what'll they make him do?"
"I don't know, mate," James said, frowning.
"He's strong, isn't he? He'll be alright?" Peter said, sounding rather unsure.
Feeling suddenly teary, Sirius shrugged, not trusting his own voice. He looked back down at his lap, trying to blink away the tears (why did he always have to cry ? His father used to sneer at him, tell him how unmanly he was for crying all the time). He only looked up when he felt Remus tug on his hand.
"Hug?" Remus asked, letting go of his hand and opening his arms for Sirius. Unable to hold back his tears any longer, Sirius moved from his chair to collapse into Remus' lap, burying his face into his chest with a sob (quite glad the Common Room was empty due to exams). He heard James and Peter moving too, and felt as they both laid comforting hands on his shoulders and back.
"It shouldn't have to be like this," Sirius muttered thickly through his tears and Remus' school robes. "It's not fair."
Remus ran his fingers through Sirius' hair. "I know, Pads," he whispered. "I know."
Their exams that day passed quickly, But Remus had a hard time getting Sirius out of his mind and diving fully into his studies. It was less about their complicated romantic relationship and more about what had happened with Regulus earlier that afternoon. He'd held Sirius until they'd needed to leave for their exam—held him even after he'd stopped crying and laughed at something stupid James said. Remus was still keeping his eye on Sirius, however. Still wary about how he was taking it all.
Watching Sirius, Remus found (unsurprisingly), rather distracted him from his exam.
There had been an incident during their practical Charms exam where Remus glanced over at Sirius and when he had smiled at him from across the room, Remus completely lost focus and shot Professor Flitwick right in the face violently with the (previously) gentle stream of water coming out of his wand. He knocked him flat on his back.
(Remus had apologized profusely and tried to make the point that he had done the spell correctly—but he wasn't sure that helped his case.)
Later, when the waning moon had only just risen past the treeline, the halls of Hogwarts were full as students happily made their way back to their dorms—full of dinner and laughter and whispers.
Remus was deep in thought as he weaved his way unconsciously through the crowds, eyes watching for the moon through the windows they passed.
"What are you thinking about?" Sirius asked, falling into step next to Remus. James was walking ahead with Lily, and Peter had disappeared with his new girlfriend Caroline.
"My mum," Remus said, not looking at Sirius. He was still struggling to write a response to her last letter. Something in the back of his mind was holding him back, but he couldn't quite put his finger on what it was.
"Hm." Sirius hummed in response, following Remus's line of sight until he saw the moon, hovering just over the trees. He nudged Remus's shoulder to draw his attention away. "Y'know, Rem, I've met your mum."
"Er, yeah?"
"Yep. And she speaks loads more Welsh than you! Why didn't she teach you?"
"Well, she did. We used to do Welsh lessons when I was little, but I was never very interested. Merlin knows why. I wish I'd paid more attention."
"Maybe you two can start them up again."
Remus frowned. "Yeah, maybe."
"What is it?"
"Nothing." Remus shrugged and grew quiet. A few younger kids raced past them. "Um, I suppose I know a few words. Mum calls me cariad —which is Welsh. It means…er, darling or love or something."
They arrived at the portrait hole, but neither made a move to enter the common room.
"You know, if we were dating, you could call me Welsh terms of endearment and I could call you French ones," Sirius suggested slowly.
Remus snorted. "Oh? Like what?"
"You could be… mon petit chou !"
"What's that mean?"
"Well, technically, it means my little cabbage…"
Remus laughed. "How charming. Can your little cabbage have a little more time to think about—"
"—oh no! Take all the time you want. I was just, erm…"
"Trying to sway me?"
"Yes!" Remus raised an eyebrow. "Wait, no! I meant no."
"Sure you did."
"I did!"
"Alright, cabbage boy."
