6-10

Chapter 6: Aftermath

Notes:

This chapter warrants a huge trigger warning: physical domestic abuse and use of a homophobic slur

If you feel anxious about what will happen, here a little SPOILER so that you can be prepared:
brief choking, one hit in the face - it will be over quickly, is not too graphic and I promise, by the end of the chapter, I will have made it up to you for the nerves!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Sirius fumbles through his bag for a while before he feels the cold edge of his keys and takes them out. For a moment, he hesitates before opening the door to his flat.

He thinks back to the weekend he had and smiles.

After that moment at the river, a turning point of sorts, they reluctantly separated. Sirius expected it to be awkward and weird, still afraid of having fucked up greatly. But surprisingly, it wasn't. They didn't talk about it again, and Sirius knows that this is Remus' way of giving him space. The space he needs to figure everything out.

They walked around more, Remus showing him the Kampa island and the old ruins of water mills. They ate dinner there, in a cosy restaurant with live music, sitting outside on one bench, shoulder to shoulder, and watching over the water. The food was great, and Sirius had the pleasure to see a rare occurrence – Remus drinking alcohol, now that he wasn't driving. They shared a bottle of wine and Sirius watched in fascination how Remus' cheeks slowly flushed, unable to resist teasing him about his inability to hold his drink.

After it got dark, Remus took him off the island and over another bridge, stopping in a small clearing to point out some more landmarks they didn't have time for. The day was over way too soon for Sirius' liking and before he could mourn it properly, they were descending the escalator to the metro again. Remus held his hand and didn't let it go after they were down, all through the train ride, up another escalator and over to their hotel. They stood like that for an eternity, hands still clasped together, in the hallway between their rooms, no one daring to be the first to let go.

That night Sirius expected to lay awake, worrying and imagining things, but he fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

Sunday flew by in a whirlwind of workshops and stolen moments outside, sharing cigarettes in between talks. There was this impending feeling of doom from the prospect of having to leave this beautiful city where, Sirius now understand, he has fallen in love. This was not a simple infatuation with a smart colleague, not a sexual desire for a beautiful man, not fondness for a good friend. This was full-on, heart-clenching, soul-singing, love . And it is the most beautiful and frightening thing Sirius has ever felt.

They parted at the airport, all sad smiles and bright eyes. And now Sirius is here, at home, and he somehow needs to figure out what the fuck to do .

The door opens with a click and the hall is dark, but there is a dim light coming from the sitting room – Fabian is at home today. Sirius sighs, still unable to comprehend how to move forward. Does he just pretend like nothing happened? Does he break up now? Does he wait to have figured his shit out?

Because if he knows one thing, it is that Fabian would not make this easy.

Sirius is completely dependent on him – money, housing, all the small corners and cracks a person creeps into when you are with them for four years. How does one even start a process of separation like that?

He steels himself and drops off his bag in the hall, walking into the sitting room.

"Hello," Fabian says with a smile, looking up from a book, but his eyes are cruel. "Had fun whoring around in Prague?"

Sirius freezes and stutters. Because he's painfully right and couldn't be farther from the truth at the same time.

"Hello to you as well," Sirius says and frowns. "And what the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

Fabian closes his book and puts it away, getting up from the couch slowly. Sirius takes a step back.

"Oh, I think you know exactly what I mean," he says smoothly.

Sirius gulps. "No, I really do not. Care to explain?"

This whole situation makes Sirius' heart race, all his instincts tell him he needs to go. Leave. Now. But he stays, rooted to the place, as Fabian advances.

"I'm so tired of your feigned ignorance," he says harshly, and his face looks like it's made out of stone. "How do you even live with yourself?"

"What are you talking about?" Sirius breathes.

Fabian's mouth twists dangerously and with one strong hand, he grips Sirius by the throat, effectively cutting off his air supply. "I gave you everything," he says with a sneer. "I picked you off the road, I paid for all of your shit, I gave you food and shelter, I fucked you good. And what do you do?"

Sirius gasps and reaches for his hand, but he's already letting go, the look of utter disgust turning his features into something unrecognizable.

"Run off to Prague with the first faggot that will have you," he concludes and spits in front of Sirius' shoes. "What is it? Is his cock somehow sweeter? Wallet a little fuller? Does he tell you how good you are before he puts it in? What else does a slut like you need?"

Sirius feels his blood run cold. "It was just a business trip, you idiot," he presses out and coughs, clenching his throat.

After all, the hit doesn't surprise him. What does is the blinding pain that shoots from his cheek directly to his brain. Sirius gasps, rearing back from the impact and looks at Fabian shaking out his fist.

"You did not," Sirius says, completely detached.

It's as if a switch is pressed and he watches Fabian's face change instantly like another person is standing in front of him. He looks at Sirius, eyes wide, then at his hand, then back at Sirius.

"Oh my God," he says slowly. "Oh my God."

"Fabian," Sirius says warningly.

He holds out both hands and reaches for Sirius, eyes shining with unshed tears. "Oh my God," he repeats again and comes closer. Sirius takes a big step back. "I am… so sorry. Sirius, please, I am so sorry! I didn't mean to!"

And suddenly, everything is very easy. So easy. What was he even thinking before?

"Fabian," Sirius says evenly. "It's over."

He turns to leave, and Fabian catches his wrist, tugging painfully. "Sirius, please, I'm begging you! Don't go! I'm so sorry!"

Sirius whirls around again and lifts the hand between them, Fabian still clutching his wrist. "Don't. Ever. Touch. Me. Again," he says calmly, and Fabian lets him go as if burned.

"Please," he begs quietly and drops to his knees. Sirius doesn't look back.

Phone. Keys. Wallet.

Sirius steps out into the staircase again and closes the door behind himself carefully. Fabian doesn't follow, thank God.

It's dark and windy outside and Sirius shivers while taking the phone out of his pocket. He unlocks it and opens the dialling pad. The numbers flow from his fingers freely, even though the contact is already saved. It feels important to type them out.

"Sirius," Remus' amused voice sounds from the speaker. "Missing me already?"

Sirius sighs and says in a calm voice, "Remus, sorry to be an inconvenience. I think I need your help."

There is a short silence on the other end of the line. Remus' voice changes abruptly. "Where are you?"

Sirius tells him his address again.

"Stay right where you are," Remus orders and hangs up.

In the time Sirius waits for him, he freezes to the bones, a steady shiver running through his whole body – either from the cold or from the adrenaline, he doesn't know. His throat hurts and his cheek throbs painfully with every heartbeat.

Remus' Seat rounds the corner, and he stops right in the middle of the street, getting out instantly. He walks over to Sirius and takes one look at him – the blooming bruise on his face, the marks on his neck – and then lifts his head to stare at the windows of the building behind him.

"I'll kill him," he says casually and takes a step towards the door.

"Remus," Sirius says quietly and sighs.

"No, I will," he urges and turns his burning eyes on Sirius again. "Give me the keys."

"Remus," Sirius repeats, a little louder, and blocks his way.

"Sirius," Remus says threateningly. "Give me the keys."

Sirius grabs the collar of his coat and hisses angrily, "Remus, get in the fucking car ."

They stare at each other for a long moment until Remus nods stiffly and takes a step back. Sirius lets him go and walks over to the passenger seat. He gets in as well, closing the door with too much force and grips the steering wheel with white fingers.

"Drive," Sirius orders.

Remus doesn't move and Sirius can see his jaws working.

"Drive," Sirius repeats calmly and fastens the seat belt.

Remus starts the engine.

The whole way to Remus' flat Sirius can feel his eyes on him, it's like he doesn't even look on the road. Sirius stares strictly ahead, clenching his teeth and fighting against the burning sensation of complete humiliation.

He knows, rationally, that he has nothing to be ashamed of. That this wasn't his fault. But it still feels like it. He starts making excuses for Fabian in his head again and has to forcefully stop himself from doing that. This is just unforgivable, no amount of explaining can make this better.

All these years… Deep down Sirius always understood that their relationship wasn't working as it is supposed to, there were just too many ups and downs. Sure, every couple fights, but not like that. He feels ashamed for having let it go on for so long.

He feels ashamed for people knowing. Remus knows – and, wow, wouldn't he do anything to erase that knowledge from his mind. Andromeda, Sirius thinks, also knows. She has made some careful comments about always being there for him and even though she didn't say anything outright, Sirius knows her very well. There was this look on her, the same one she had whenever Sirius was small and had a fight with his mother.

They park, they get out, they walk up the stairs and into the flat. Remus is silently brooding; Sirius knows this mood of his well and it's maybe a little reassuring, familiar, despite the circumstances.

"Hi, bestie," Sirius whispers and scratches Basil's head. "What's up?"

Basil looks at him with large, yellow eyes and tilts his head into the touch. It's so cute and comforting, Sirius wants to cry. Suddenly, the events of the night, the whole weekend, catch up with him and he draws in a shaky breath.

"Sirius." Remus steps up to where Sirius is crouching in the hall and lays a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Come on."

He drags him into the kitchen, under the bright light, and looks him over again. Sirius tries not to squirm, squares his shoulders defensively. Remus' eyes are full of pain and Sirius wonders, removed, why he's the one hurting when Sirius is the one who got a little juggled around.

"What did he do?" Remus asks hoarsely.

Sirius sighs. "I'm fine, it's not that bad."

"What did he do?" Remus asks again, and his voice is deeper somehow. "Did he touch you?"

Sirius looks at him, confused, and then his eyes widen. "Oh, God, no! Nothing like that," he says quickly. He lifts a hand to his throat and grimaces. "I know it must look like it, but please believe me when I say it's not like that."

Remus doesn't seem all that convinced, but he nods and reaches out with one hand. Then he stops halfway through and looks at Sirius quizzically. Sirius sighs and rolls his eyes.

"I'm not made out of gas, Remus," Sirius says, a little annoyed. He doesn't want to be treated differently now. He couldn't bear it.

"Oh, yes, talk dirty to me about states of aggregation," Remus murmurs and tilts Sirius' face gently to see the bruise better.

Sirius huffs. "Good, I'm glad you have your sense of humour back. I was worried there for a second."

Remus lets him go and turns to rummage through his fridge. Sirius sighs and hauls himself up on the kitchen counter, leaning his head back on the shelves behind him. Remus gets out a bag of frozen peas and wraps it in a tea towel but holds it out of reach with a small smile when Sirius lifts his hand.

"I'm still angry," Remus admits and positions himself between Sirius' legs, holding the makeshift compress to his cheekbone. "How are you so calm?"

"Oh, I don't know, I think I'm still a little in denial," Sirius says easily.

It's nice, having Remus so close – one hand pressing the cold peas to his face, the other resting lightly on his thigh, lean body between Sirius' legs. For the first time, Sirius is taller than him, sitting on the counter, and it's an interesting perspective. Sirius lifts one hand and cards it gently through his curls, soft and springy, and Remus leans into the touch with a small sigh.

"Has this happened before?" he asks, and his face is open and vulnerable like he actually cares.

"He has never hit me before," Sirius answers, letting his hand rest on Remus' nape.

"But?" he prods.

"Nothing like that," Sirius promises. "He grabbed me a few times. Hands, arms… Sometimes hair. A bit of shoving around, nothing major."

"Sirius…" The look on his face is horrified. "This is not okay, do you understand? None of that."

He does understand. But frankly, he doesn't want to think about it anymore.

"I know," Sirius says and tries to smile.

"You're staying here," Remus says resolutely. "You're not going back there."

"Have no intention to," Sirius assures him. "Sorry to bother you again with all of this…"

Remus frowns at him. "You're not bothering me. If anything, it's your boyfriend that bothers me."

"Ex-boyfriend," Sirius supplies and it feels weird to say that. Not because he regrets it, of course not. But it's been four years… For so long, it's all he was – Fabian's partner, and not much else.

Remus' face does something complicated like he doesn't allow himself to believe that, and Sirius wonders when everything changed. Because he knows that Remus likes him now, and not in a collegial or friendly kind of way. How long would have Remus hidden that from him if Sirius didn't blurt it out first?

"Good," Remus says neutrally. "That's good."

"Will you kiss me now or what?" Sirius asks and squeezes him a little between his legs.

Remus tenses up, looking between Sirius' eyes. Then huffs. "You are hurt and in shock, I will not take advantage of that," he says gently. "Not because I don't want to kiss you, but because it would be wrong to do that now."

Sirius pouts and Remus chuckles, rubbing his palm soothingly over Sirius' thigh.

"You are way too decent," Sirius complains. "Why do I feel like this is just an excuse?"

Remus presses his lips in a firm line and gives Sirius a stern look. "I think the least I can do for you right now is give you some decency," he says.

"The decent thing would be to give me what I want, would it not?" Sirius suggests and grins.

"Sirius," Remus says warningly and sighs. "My self-control has limits, and it's already hanging by a thread."

"Exciting," Sirius comments and wraps his legs around Remus' middle, nudging him even closer.

"Stop it," Remus pleads and there is audible desperation in his voice. He lifts the compress off and traces his finger pads over Sirius' numb cheek as if trying to remind himself. "I won't be able to stop after just one kiss."

Sirius feels lightheaded as if he's dreaming. It's just too surreal… Forty-eight hours ago he would have laughed at anyone who would tell him that this is what is about to happen. And now here they are.

"Who says I would want you to stop?" Sirius whispers and brings Remus' hand to his lips, kissing his fingers. They are trembling slightly, and Remus' eyes darken.

It's like they are both standing in front of the abyss, another careless step and they will fall. Sirius can almost feel the cold of the void – calling to him, promising, luring. But Sirius doesn't want to fall – a fall ends with a crash, and he doesn't want them to crash. No more crashing.

"Fine," he says and releases Remus from his hold. Remus draws a shaky breath and lets his shoulders sag. "I understand."

"I need a smoke," he murmurs to himself and takes a step back, then offers Sirius a hand.

Sirius stares at it for a moment, then at Remus' face. It's a little sad but calm again. He practically radiates fortitude and Sirius can't believe a person like him exists. That he's allowed in his presence at all. He takes his hand with a smile and slides down from the counter.

"Do you have a balcony?" Sirius asks, curious. He hasn't seen one the last time he was here.

"Yes," Remus says and leads him back in the hall, "through here."

He takes him through the other door. Sirius grins. "Remus, you tease, I thought we agreed to wait!" he exclaims. "And here you are leading me into the bedroom!"

Remus huffs and squeezes his hand slightly. "You don't get to call me a tease after your performance in the kitchen," he says a little annoyed, but smiles.

The bedroom is significantly smaller than the living room. There is a wooden wardrobe on the right side, and a cosy looking bed (neatly made, of course). Basil, having lounged on one of the pillows, gives them the stink eye when Remus turns the light on, and promptly leaves the room.

"Excuse me, my majesty," Remus murmurs, amused. "How rude of us to disturb your slumber."

One of the walls is basically just windows and a narrow door to the balcony. Under the windows is a large desk – completely empty aside from two large monitors. Beside it are two bookshelves, the same as in the living room, filled with books that look less colourful, probably more academic literature. Sirius can vividly picture Remus sitting there, working on his dissertation late into the night, and practically rolling into bed afterwards. Convenient, but maybe a little unhealthy.

"Remus, I am appalled," Sirius jokes. "You have no work-life balance."

Remus doesn't answer and just opens the balcony door, stepping outside. By the time Sirius has joined him, he's already huffing out a stream of smoke. The balcony is very small, really just for two people to stand next to each other and not much else. It's perfect.

"I'm waiting for a blow-up," Remus admits, eying him. "You're too chipper. Making jokes."

Sirius sighs. "I'm trying this new thing," he says and plucks the cigarette out of Remus' mouth with a grin. "It's called 'not thinking about it'."

To be honest, Sirius is a little surprised with himself too. Shouldn't he be more upset? Doing something dramatic like crying in the pouring rain? Or drinking his sorrows away? Maybe going up some hill and screaming down into the valley? Getting a break-up haircut or revenge tattoo?

"Without trying to sound patronizing, I'd say you'll have to think about it at some point. Sooner rather than later," Remus says sympathetically.

Sirius sighs and leans against the window. "I don't know where to begin."

Remus hums. "Let's talk," he suggests. "Choose one – plans or feelings."

"Plans," Sirius says quickly. Maybe a little too quickly. But Remus just nods.

"Okay. Tell me, what needs to be done? I'll do my best to help you however I can."

Sirius thinks about it. Should he make a to-do list? Are there even enough tasks that warrant a to-do list? God, this is a mess.

"I need to find a place to stay."

Remus nods back to the flat. "Done."

Sirius grimaces. "I don't want to be a burden for you."

"Sirius," Remus says and flicks the burning stump into the darkness, "how many times do I need to tell you that you are not a burden, not a bother, not an inconvenience?"

"One more time?"

"You are not a burden. Please, stay as long as you need to," Remus says, a little exasperated. "Next?"

"I need to get my stuff," Sirius says reluctantly. He doesn't want to go back to their flat. Fabian's flat, if he's honest with himself. "It's not much, mostly clothes, some toiletries, tech stuff, my uni things. That's about it."

"Will it fit in my car?" Remus asks, all business.

"Definitely."

"We can go tomorrow after work if you want," he offers. "Do you even want to come in tomorrow? You can stay here if you like, but I'm afraid I have a meeting to attend and I'll have to see about the HUVECs, they are a bit tetchy."

"Of course, I'll come in," Sirius says and then rubs his neck absentmindedly. "If you have something with a turtleneck for me?"

Remus follows his movement with his eyes, but it's too dark to make out his features. "Me? A turtleneck? Never," he says sarcastically. Then adds in a sad voice, "I don't think there is a way to hide your face… It looks really bad, Sirius."

That he gathered already. He's a little scared to look at any shiny surface, but even from the way his cheekbone feels he knows there is no way to hide that.

"Eh," he says dismissively, trying not to show the mortification he feels. "We'll tell everyone I tripped on one of those horrible escalators or something."

"Yes," Remus says icily. "And fell directly onto a fist." Then he sighs. "Sorry, I'm trying to let it go."

Sirius bites his lip and looks down, not knowing what to say. He thinks about not going to work tomorrow. But what would it change? It's not like the bruise will vanish in one day. He thinks about staying at Remus' flat, maybe seeing if Basil wants to play fetch with him, drinking some of Noah's underwhelming rosebud tea. Then he thinks about being alone again, walking around the empty rooms that all scream 'Remus' without him being there. It seems horrible. And he's tired of hiding.

"Sirius," Remus puts a gentle hand on his other cheek, brushes some of his hair back, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said it. We'll figure it out. No one will bother you. I promise."

Sirius nods and gives Remus a timid smile. "Okay," he says simply. "We'll go tomorrow. Fabian should be at work then."

At least he really hopes so. There is no way he is ready to face him again so soon. Remus seems to feel his hesitation and says, in a tone full of suppressed rage, "He won't touch you again. Everything is going to be fine."

Sirius wants to believe him, but all of this doesn't seem real yet. It's been going on for years, why should it stop now? But then he notices Remus' hand on his face and feels like maybe, just maybe, there is some hope.

"What about the money?" he asks after a while and lights another cigarette.

"Well," Sirius says bitterly. "I have none. Maybe around a hundred in the bank, a little cash, but that's about it."

"Don't worry about it," Remus says kindly. "Finish your internship and then we'll see about a job, alright? Part-time would work, I did that too when I was still at uni."

There it is again. We. It sounds so effortless out of Remus' mouth; he doesn't even have to think about it. Fabian never said things like that. It was all 'you' and 'I', and even though it didn't occur to Sirius before, he feels how much he missed that sort of thing from him.

"I don't want to take your money," Sirius says.

He feels helpless again because he really doesn't want to. It's bad enough that he has manoeuvred himself in a situation like this with Fabian and stayed like that for years. He can't do it again.

"I know you don't," Remus says understandingly. "But it won't stay like that, okay? You'll have your own money soon enough, and until then it will be alright."

It's almost the exact same thing Fabian said, back then. Sirius tries not to compare them, but it's hard. He feels like he's eighteen again – homeless, without a family, without friends. It's like the last four years didn't even happen like there was no growth there for him.

"Okay," Sirius says and fights the tears.

"What about schooling fees?" Remus asks then and offers Sirius the cigarette, but he just shakes his head. "We can look at student loans."

"It's paid off already," Sirius admits. "I don't think he can take it back now."

"That's good," Remus says encouragingly and smiles. "See, it's going to be fine. You'll get a job, and we'll find you a flat of your own. You can finish your studies."

Sirius nods and then runs a hand through his hair, feeling a little better. Yes, this is a good plan.

"Let's go inside," Remus suggests. "It's freezing. Are you hungry?"

Remus moves past Sirius to the door, but he stops him with a hand on his wrist. "Remus, one last thing."

"Hm?" He stops and turns back to him, raising his eyebrows.

"What is this?" Sirius asks quietly, motioning between them.

Remus cocks his head and smiles. "Is this the part where we talk about feelings?"

Sirius huffs and rolls his eyes. "Well, we're done with the plans. That was the next thing on your list." Then he sighs and rubs his forehead tiredly. "No, really, I need to know. Because you say all these things… And you help me so much, I don't even know why."

Remus gives him a sad smile. "Sirius, it's whatever you want it to be. Whatever you need it to be."

He sounds sincere when he says it and Sirius swallows hard. Because he knows what he wants, has known for a long time, even if he didn't realize it. But all they do is talk about him – his problems, his relationship, his needs.

"I need to know what you want," Sirius says with strength in his voice he didn't know he had. "Because if this is just a friendly gesture…"

Remus huffs, exasperated, and takes a step closer. He runs his fingers over Sirius' temple, his swollen cheekbone, along his jaw, draws a warm thumb under his lower lip. "Does this feel like a friendly gesture to you?" he breathes.

It doesn't. Of course, it doesn't. But he needs to hear it, and Remus seems to understand.

He closes his eyes, as if unable to hold his gaze. "I'm in love with you," he says simply. "And please, I don't want to put any pressure on you. I'm just saying it because it's true, and because I want you to understand where I'm coming from."

Sirius nods and puts a hand over Remus' on his face.

"I'll be whatever you want me to be. A colleague, a friend, a lover, a partner," he adds hoarsely. "You don't have to decide anything now. In fact, I don't want to hear anything about it tonight."

Sirius nods again, scared to open his mouth in case he would spontaneously start singing like in one of the Disney movies. It certainly feels like something from a movie, nothing that could really happen to him. But the words are spoken, and Remus did not once give him a reason to mistrust him.

Remus nods too and opens his eyes again. "Come on, I'll find something for us to eat."

Notes:

I will be waiting in the comments for you :)

Chapter 7: A New Beginning

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

When Sirius wakes up the next day, his face hurts like hell. He grimaces and carefully prods his cheek. Fabian has a heavy hand, that's for sure.

He sighs and turns around, a stupid smile spreading on his face. Because Remus is right there, next to him, almost completely buried under the blanket, one arm hanging off the bed. And it's the best thing Sirius has ever seen.

After their talk on the balcony yesterday, they did go inside, and they had dinner which Sirius watched Remus prepare with fascination. It shouldn't be surprising that he could cook – he was a grown man, living alone. He was doing more complicated things in the lab daily, after all. But this was different, incredibly domestic, borderline adorable. Sirius felt like a besotted fool, hiding his smile and sipping his tea.

Remus insisted on Sirius taking the bed and him sleeping on the couch. Sirius hummed, and nodded along, and then patted him on the head like a child.

"It's cute," he said, "that you think there is a possibility where I would let you sleep separately now. But by all means, if you're so fond of the couch, we can kip there."

There was surprisingly no argument after that.

Sirius expected to lay awake, not being able to sleep, but Remus has taken his hand in his, all warm and soft. And he's pretty sure he didn't imagine the fleeting touch of lips against his knuckles. He fell asleep fast, cheeks heated, and a small smile glued to his lips.

He didn't set an alarm, but he's been waking up early for over a month now, and his inner clock seems to still be intact, uncaring about all the tumult in his life. Sirius grins to himself and scoots over to wrap Remus in a hug over the blanket.

"Good morning," he chirps. "Rise and shine, little birdie!"

Remus shuffles and grumbles a little, still mostly asleep. Sirius rubs his back and bounces a little on the mattress.

"Sirius," he growls. "It's the middle of the night."

Sirius cackles. "It's seven o'clock," he corrects him. "Time to wake up!"

Remus groans and shifts, hiding his arm under the blanket and looking over at Sirius with one eye open. "Seven is the middle of the night."

"When do you think your intern gets to work?" Sirius asks, amused.

"Too early," Remus grumbles and sighs. Then shuffles a bit, making himself more comfortable, still wrapped in the blanket and Sirius' arms. "That's great, actually. Stay like that, yeah?"

He yawns and closes his eyes again, obviously intending to return to sleep. Sirius huffs and promptly retreats, hauling himself off the bed and stretching with satisfaction, his spine joints popping quietly.

"Nooo," Remus moans. "I'm your supervisor, get back here."

Sirius smirks over his shoulder, noticing Remus' appreciative look on him. "You kinky bastard," he says. "I bet this turns you on."

"A little more respect would be appreciated," Remus grumbles but smiles. "I always forget that you're a morning person."

Sirius shrugs nonchalantly. "I know first-hand that my supervisor appreciates it," he quips.

"I'm rethinking everything," Remus says with a mock frown. "Is it too late to fire you?"

"Yes." Sirius nods serenely. "I'm afraid you're stuck with me."

Remus just smiles shyly and buries himself under his blanket again.

"Just admit it, you're superman," Sirius sighs and tugs on the high neck of the jumper Remus has lent him. It's hanging loosely on him but is still passable as fashionably oversized. "How are your shoulders so wide?"

Remus huffs over his second cup of coffee. "That's genetically predetermined bone structure for you," he says and flips over a page in his lab journal.

"Remind me to thank your parents for that," Sirius murmurs and sets aside another tube he just labelled for weighing. He glances up for a second, catching Remus' smile he's expertly hiding behind the cup. "Stop it, people will think you're actually a nice person if you keep smiling like that."

Remus instantly schools his expression into a scowl and scribbles something down. Sirius nods. "Much better."

"Alright," Remus says and downs the rest of his coffee, checking the time on his phone. "I have a meeting in five, and then another one with Lily. I should be back before lunch."

"Go on," Sirius says wistfully. "I'll just be here, weighing tubes for two hours."

Remus grins. "That's lab life for you, intern."

"Remus."

"Hm?"

"Do you remember how you said I can tell you to fuck off whenever?"

"Yes."

"Fuck off."

Remus silently laughs all the way down the hall, making a passing Adel and Peter share a bewildered look.

Peter whistles a little when he sees Sirius' face. "Damn, what happened there?"

Sirius rolls his eyes. "A cheekbone implant went wrong. I'll tell you, guys, it's cheaper in Czechia, but that shows."

Adel grins and pats him on the shoulder. "I hope the other guy came out worse," he says with a knowing expression. Wow, they are probably thinking Sirius got into a bar fight or something.

"Oh, he got what was coming to him," Sirius says darkly and that seems to satisfy them.

The rest of the day stretches forever. Sirius busies himself with routine work after he has safely deposited the weighed tubes onto the clean bench and sent Remus the table with the data. The HUVECs are doing fine, almost ready to be split, and the MSC bank is in top shape. Sirius changes out the medium anyway, just to have something to do.

He lets some fresh microcarriers soak in PBS, figuring they should be ready to autoclave after lunch. Then goes through some data of Peter's cultivation, formatting the tables and preparing some formulas for him to use in case he wants to create some growth statistics. James asks him to help with restocking after a huge order arrived, and Sirius gladly complies, awaiting questions about the state of his face. They never come, and he appreciates James even more after that.

He knows that he's just anxious about their plan to go back for his things in the evening. When Remus was nearby, his nervousness was manageable somehow, but being alone has always been hard for Sirius. He just wants the day to end and be done with all of that.

Sirius checks the time again and it's lunchtime already, but Remus isn't back yet. He thinks about what to do. He should probably call Andromeda, tell her about what happened, or at least ask her to meet up. It's just the right thing to do after she's seen him… a week ago. It was really just one week ago? It feels like a lifetime has passed since then.

He steals one of Remus' cigarettes and goes into the yard with it, debating whether it's rude to call her during the day. Well, if she's busy she can call him back.

"Hello, Sirius." She picks up right away. "Are you alright?"

Her voice is instantly worried, and Sirius feels his gut clench at the idea that her first thought is that he's unsafe. How could he let it come to this?

"Hello, favourite cousin," he drawls in the most casual tone he can muster. "I'm splendid and yourself?"

Andromeda chuckles. "Why do I feel like this is less of a compliment and more of an inevitability."

Sirius takes a drag from the cigarette and leans against the wall. "How are dear Narcissa and Bellatrix anyway?"

"Cissy married that Malfoy ponce," she supplies. "They have a son. Draco."

The door to the yard opens and Remus steps out, giving Sirius a smile. He holds out the cigarette for him wordlessly.

"Draco," Sirius muses. "Keeping up the tradition, I see?"

"She was always fond of that bullshit," Andromeda huffs disdainfully. "And Bellatrix is in some sort of fascist cult. Don't ask."

Sirius shakes his head and toes at a flock of grass making its way through the crack between the stones. "I am not surprised," he breathes.

"Did you call to ask about my sisters or was there another reason?" Andromeda asks dryly. "Are you okay?"

"I wanted to ask if you fancied meeting sometime soon," Sirius admits and then hesitates, eying Remus from the corner of his eye. "There might be some news I have to tell you."

There is a silence on the other end of the line, then a long sigh. "Did you finally open your eyes and dump that steaming pile of garbage you called boyfriend?"

"That's one way to put it," Sirius says neutrally and touches his tender cheek.

"About time," Andromeda says snarkily and then gentler, "Come 'round for dinner, yes? Tonight?"

"Maybe tomorrow," Sirius says.

"Any day, favourite cousin," Andromeda says mockingly. "Give me a ring soon."

"I will," Sirius promises. "See you."

"Bye, Sirius," she says, "don't be a stranger."

He hangs up with a smile and looks up at Remus.

"Tradition?" Remus asks curiously. "Sorry, I didn't mean to listen in on your conversation."

He looks good in the bright sunlight, Sirius notices once again. He's wearing dark blue jeans and a beige hoodie that compliments his hair beautifully, with a small embroidery of a wolf howling at the moon over his heart.

"In my family, there is this tradition of giving the children names of stars," Sirius explains. "Sirius," he points at himself, "the brightest star in the night sky. Part of Canis Major – the Great Dog."

Remus smiles slowly. "You are the brightest star alright," he says fondly, and Sirius nudges his foot, feeling his cheeks grow hot.

"Andromeda," Sirius continues, pointing at his phone. "A constellation, representing a fertility goddess. Then there is Bellatrix – part of the Orion constellation, the female warrior. Her other sister, Narcissa, is not actually named after a star. I think she felt left out and, apparently, named her son Draco – after the Dragon constellation."

"Those are actually very nice names," Remus muses. "Unusual. I never cared much about astronomy."

Sirius hums and accepts the rest of the cigarette back, taking a drag, before stumping it out in the ashtray. "We were taught from a very young age," he explains. "Andromeda hated it, but I quite enjoyed it myself."

There was some magic to it that Sirius adored as a child. All these myths surrounding the constellations made him feel a part of something ancient and important, proud to be named after something special. Maybe this was the idea behind that tradition – make the children feel important and part of a special group, raise them to be elitist tossers, rinse and repeat.

"I didn't know you had such a big family," Remus admits as they walk back in and down the hall to the cafeteria.

Sirius opens the glass door for him and smiles at James who gives them a wave as he deposits his empty tray on a cart. They are a bit late for lunch and the cafeteria is emptying quickly.

"It's huge, to be honest," Sirius says with a grimace. "We even had an ever-growing family tree on a tapestry. Completely bonkers. But I am not in touch with anyone, obviously, apart from Andromeda."

"I'm glad you have her," Remus says earnestly after they have ordered and sat down next to a window looking over the backyard. "How old is she?"

"Thirty. She has a daughter, Nymphadora, she's eight already," Sirius says with a smile. "What about your family?"

Sirius painfully notices that they seem to have gotten into a habit of talking only about him and that he knows next to nothing about Remus' life before they've met. He always felt a bit too shy to ask about anything personal – Remus was always reserved, even if he started opening up after a while, and Sirius feared questions in return. But now it seems that they have reached a point where he doesn't have to worry about that anymore, after everything…

Remus shrugs. "Not that exciting. You know of Noah already, I'm sure you'll meet her sooner than later – she has the habit of popping over randomly." He smiles, clearly not minding it at all. Sirius feels a little nervous again, like he's an intrusion in Remus' nice, orderly life. "Then there are my parents, Lyall and Hope, they live just outside of the city. And there is some extended family on mom's side, but I haven't seen any of them for a while now."

"Not exciting is good." Sirius nods to himself. "What do they do?"

"Dad works in an animal shelter and my mom stayed at home for a long time to be with Noah and me, but when we both moved out, she started a small business. I think she sells handmade jewellery and that sort of stuff."

It's the first time in Sirius' memory that Remus is so talkative, especially when it's about himself and not about his research. He seems to be in a great mood today, or maybe Sirius just never asked the right questions.

"You seem awfully jubilant today," Sirius remarks a little suspicious. "Got some good news in the meetings?"

Remus looks at him, perplexed and then snorts. "You are my good news, Sirius," he says simply.

Sirius looks at him sceptically. "You say these things like you're talking about the weather. Are you making fun of me?"

Remus lifts his eyebrows. "You asked," he says and points at Sirius with a fork. "I'm just being honest."

And the absurd thing is, he's right. Sirius can't remember a single instance when Remus wasn't honest with him. And it's heart-warming and scary at the same time.

After watching Sirius squirm and nervously rearrange the freezer for the second time, Remus decides that they will leave early today. He makes it seem like he does it because he can't stand Sirius' agitation anymore, but Sirius has a suspicion that he wants this to be over as soon as possible too.

They drive in silence, and Sirius makes a mental list of things he needs to get. He is set to get only the important stuff – he doesn't want to crowd Remus' flat. Maybe he can come back when he gets his own place and get the rest. This is possible, right? They are all adults; it doesn't have to be this dramatic thing. Maybe when the dust has settled a little, Fabian and he could be at least civil with each other.

When they arrive and Sirius gets out of the car with a mental sigh, he expects Remus to wait for him outside. But he follows him to the door and just quirks an eyebrow at Sirius' confused look.

The key turns once, twice, and Sirius exhales with relief – Fabian isn't home. Good, great, perfect. No arguments, no drama. Just in and out in half an hour, tops. It's going to be fine.

He lets them in and wonders how the flat must look to Remus' eyes. Big, probably, all clean lines and sterile surfaces – glass doors, white furniture, light wooden flooring. Sirius drops his keys in the bowl at the entrance, not intending to pick them up again, and walks further inside.

"I'd give you a tour," he says with a nervous laugh, "but I don't think that matters."

Remus gives him an exasperated look. "Don't worry about me," he waves him off. "How can I help you?"

Sirius shrugs. "No need, it won't take long. Just… I don't know, make yourself comfortable, I guess," Sirius says awkwardly.

He grimaces at Remus' amused look and picks up the bag he's left in the hall yesterday. Then walks straight into the bedroom.

The packing doesn't take long. All of his most necessary belongings fit comfortably into two suitcases. He tries to think of anything he's missing, but with a sad feeling in his gut, he realizes that there are really not that many personal belongings that are his. Well, it was like he has started completely anew when he was eighteen – there wasn't even a suitcase when he left, just a bag. No wonder he doesn't have much to take back.

He expects to be sad or nostalgic, but he just feels detached from the whole thing. Everything looks awfully familiar and completely estranged at the same time like he doesn't belong here anymore. Like he's not the same person that has left this flat last Friday morning, before the trip to Prague. How can things change so fast in such a short amount of time?

Remus doesn't get in his way; he sits down on the couch instead, still wearing his coat, and flips through the book Fabian was reading yesterday. Before… Well, better not think about it now. He looks strange here, out of place, and by the tenseness of his shoulders, he feels it too.

Sirius leans against the doorframe and crosses his arms. "I think that is all," he concludes. Remus sets the book aside and looks up at him.

And then, they hear the lock turn in the hall. Sirius' heart speeds up at once, beating somewhere in his throat, and he watches with rising panic how Remus' calm demeanour changes drastically. His face hardens and eyes narrow, looking right through Sirius, and he gets up in a fluid motion at the same time as Fabian steps inside and closes the door.

"Sirius," Fabian says, relieved, and Sirius turns around to face him.

He looks like he always does, still in his scrubs, glasses hanging loosely from his front pocket, car keys in hand. He drops them carelessly in the bowl and takes a step closer.

"Sirius, where the hell were you?" he asks sternly. "You can't just run off like that!"

Sirius squares his jaw. "None of your business," he bites out.

"What did you just say?" Fabian asks threateningly, a scowl forming on his face. Then his eyes fall on the suitcases Sirius brought out into the hall and widen a little. "You can't really mean it," he says resolutely, correctly assessing the situation. "I admit that it got a little heated yesterday, but you know I didn't do it on purpose. You can't just leave me."

Sirius feels more than he sees Remus move past him, out of the living room and into the hall.

"Good evening," Remus says politely, making his presence known.

Fabian's eyes narrow at him instantly. He sneers. "And who the fuck are you?"

"I don't think it's any of your concern," Remus says, and his voice is cold as ice.

He raises one eyebrow. "You're in my house. It bloody well is," he spits. Then looks at Sirius again with badly concealed anger.

"We're leaving," Remus says calmly, edging a little in front of Sirius.

"Oh, you are welcome to piss off," Fabian says harshly. " He 's not going anywhere."

Tension radiates from Remus in thick waves, and he is suddenly even taller, practically looming over Fabian.

"Remus," Sirius breathes warningly.

Fabian huffs humourlessly and eyes Remus appraisingly from top to bottom. "So, this is your knight in shining armour?" he asks mockingly, glancing at Sirius. Then looks back at Remus with a twisted mouth. "You don't know what you're getting into, mate. Trust me, you don't want that slut. He's not worth the effort."

Sirius, rooted to the spot by Fabian's words, is not quick enough to hold Remus back. He's there, in Fabian's space, in two long strides, and boxes him heavily right in the solar plexus with one fluid motion. Fabian instantly doubles over, wind completely knocked out of him, and drops to the floor, heaving for air.

Remus eyes him for a moment and then turns back to Sirius with a face so full of rage that he involuntarily takes a step back and gulps. He knows that Remus would never hurt him, but something inside of him clenches in fear at the almost feral expression on his face.

His face changes instantly, forming into something gentle and sad. "Are you okay?" he asks a little agitated.

Sirius nods and looks at Fabian with big eyes, not trusting his voice. Remus reaches in his pocket and hands him the car keys. "Go down, love, I'll be just a minute."

In any other situation, Sirius would have freaked out a little from being called 'love', but now all he feels is breath-taking panic. Remus' words from last night pop up in his mind and he breathes shallowly.

"Remus," he says weakly. "Please…"

Remus gives him a tight smile. "I won't touch him, I promise," he says sincerely. "I just want a word."

Sirius sighs and takes the keys, then steps over a still cowering Fabian with a mix of fear and guilt, before walking through the door.

It takes Remus more than just a minute to follow and Sirius drums his fingers nervously against his thigh, debating whether he should go up again in case things escalate further. What the hell just happened anyway? Did Remus really just punch the air out of Fabian for one meagre insult? Not even against him, only Sirius. Did he really care that much?

After about ten minutes of fretting, he hears the trunk open and Remus stores away Sirius' things, before he gets in the front seat – already completely calm and composed.

"I hope he's still alive," Sirius says dryly. "What did you even talk to him about for so long?"

Remus rolls his eyes. "Yes, he's fine. I just wanted to clear some things up."

„'Have you pray'd tonight, Desdemona?'" Sirius murmurs.

He chuckles and gives Sirius a loaded look. "Not quite as dramatic as Othello," he remarks. "Are you really okay? I'm sorry about what he said."

Sirius waves a hand dismissively. "He didn't say anything I haven't heard before."

Remus breathes in deeply and looks up at the building through Sirius' window. "I realize I've been too nice to him," he murmurs to himself and then sighs, leaning back in his seat. "Either way, it's done now. He won't say anything like that to you again."

Sirius doesn't quite believe him but nods anyway. If he spends the rest of his life never speaking a word with Fabian, he won't be mad about it. He feels suddenly very tired and heavy like he's been running on adrenaline all day and now that it was over, his body just shut down.

"Can we go now?" he asks.

Remus nods and starts the engine. "Of course, let's go home."

Home. Sirius feels a dull ache in his chest. What does that even mean?

The breakdown he was successfully avoiding all this time finally catches up with him during the night. Remus lies, sound asleep, beside him, looking unbelievably peaceful in the faint light from the streetlight outside, and Sirius stares at his face for so long that his eyes start to hurt, unable to sleep.

And then Remus shifts and reaches blindly for Sirius, still asleep, and it's like a tight string finally snaps in his chest.

He clambers out of bed, clutching a hand to his mouth, and closes himself in the bathroom just in time before the tears cloud his vision. The tiled floor is cool against his legs when he slides down the wall and shakes with silent sobs.

He doesn't even know what he's crying about exactly, it's just like a dam has broken. All the events of the past days catch up to him at once, crowding together in a ball of guilt, shame, uncertainty and disbelief in his chest.

He feels disgusted with himself, weak and lost. So, so lost. And so sorry for himself.

All four years of his relationship run before his eyes. All the good stuff, all the bad. He thinks of all the times he felt lonely, unwanted, dismissed, ridiculed, and hurt. Of all the things Fabian said, all the things he did. He presses his hand to his hurting cheek and cries harder. How could he? After everything? Did he not care about Sirius at all? Was he just some kind of toy for him – always there when wanted, easy to put aside when not? Not worth any respect or regard for his feelings?

When the hell did it go so awry? At what point did Fabian turn from being the charming, smart, caring guy into this abusive, nasty person with cruel eyes? Or has he always been like this and Sirius just didn't notice?

Did he provoke it?

Did he deserve it?

Who can guarantee something like that doesn't happen again?

Sirius thinks about Remus, and presses both hands to his chest, feeling like he's hyperventilating.

Remus. So smart, so kind to him, so self-sacrificing, so gentle and understanding.

Fabian was kind and gentle as well. At first.

Sirius knows Remus for only just over a month. It's practically nothing. He needed four years to figure out what kind of person Fabian was. What is he getting himself into now?

What the hell is Remus getting himself into? What is in it for him?

Sirius draws up his legs and presses his head between his knees, trying to breathe.

This is absolutely crazy. What does someone like Remus find in someone like him? Look at him! Sirius chuckles bitterly through the tears. Pathetic. Weak, lost, no money, no prospects, questionable mental health, more than questionable background… Fabian told Remus right away – it's not worth the trouble. He was right.

And then Remus punched him, a voice in his head supplies. Without hesitation.

Sirius gasps and quickly stumbles up, before opening the window and leaning out into the cold air of the night. Breathing. Breathing.

He doesn't know how long he stays like that, looking unseeingly into the dark. The tears have stopped, dried out at some point. And even though he doesn't feel good , he feels better now. Like there was something in his system that just needed to get out.

The warm water runs in a calming way down his cold face and chest in the shower. Sirius closes his eyes and faces the stream, feeling a knot in his stomach loosen up.

It's over now. He made it out and, as Remus said, everything will be alright now. It can't get much worse, can it? And considering Remus… He will just have to take things as they come. There is no reason to mistrust him, he has been nothing but kind through all of this. Even though a large part of Sirius still can't believe that Remus actually likes him back, is in love with him , his actions don't contradict that statement.

He understands now, why Remus was so adamant about waiting, not rushing into anything, giving Sirius space. Sirius thinks about last night in the kitchen, his actions, and cringes inside. He behaved like a right prat then. Sirius knows now that he didn't really want to have sex, he was just trying to forget and distract himself. And he is so very grateful that Remus didn't allow it.

Would Remus have said all the things he did on that balcony if they did end up having sex then? Would he have felt used and hurt? This thought makes Sirius' heart clench painfully.

He would have never been able to forgive himself if this was how it all ended without having even started properly.

Notes:

We made it through the nastiest part, guys! See you in the comments

Chapter 8: Bad News, Good News

Notes:

Just as a heads-up: from now on, the Explicit rating really comes into force, if you know what I mean ;)

Chapter Text

When Sirius gets out of the shower, feeling a bit more hopeful, the light is on in the kitchen. He looks around the corner and sees Remus, wearing only sweatpants, smoking out of the window. He walks closer and carefully hugs him from behind, resting his hands on his taut stomach. Remus hums, holding out the cigarette for him over the shoulder and Sirius stretches a little to take a drag from his fingers.

"How are you feeling?" Remus asks when Sirius blows out the smoke and rests his damp forehead on his nape.

"Overwhelmed," Sirius admits. "And you?"

"Worried," Remus says thoughtfully. "I want to help but I don't know how."

Sirius smiles and nuzzles his neck. "You already do," he says earnestly. "So much."

It's so foreign to him – being able to talk about his feelings. Hearing someone talking about theirs. He was always afraid to show too much emotion around Fabian, always walking on eggshells. And he remembers how Remus was at the beginning, reserved and closed off – him telling Sirius how he really feels shows how far they've come in such a short time.

Remus leans back a little, letting Sirius hold him, and Sirius lays a hand over his heart, feeling the quick flutter. His own chest clenches and he bites back tears again, feeling so unbelievably safe and content in this small kitchen, in front of the open window, with this wonderful man in his arms.

"Remus?"

"Hm?"

"May I kiss you now?" Sirius asks.

He turns around slowly, not breaking the hug, and regards Sirius with a smile that makes his eyes crinkle at the corners. And Sirius feels his heart going faster when his eyes stay on his lips.

Remus leans in first, one hand tangled in his wet hair. It's impossibly gentle and sweet. Sirius has to tilt his head up and draws Remus closer, splaying palms on his naked lower back. He feels Remus' lips on his, notices his slight stubble, and his head spins dangerously.

He opens his mouth and Remus doesn't hesitate, deepening the kiss, dragging his tongue over Sirius' lower lip, finding Sirius' tongue. It's like time holds still, everything else fades away – it's just them, their lips, their tongues, their hands. Until Remus hisses in pain and retreats.

"Fuck," he mutters hoarsely and flicks the forgotten cigarette that burned his fingers out of the open window. "Sorry."

Sirius chuckles and takes Remus' hand, lifting it up to his face, and closes his mouth over the burned fingertips, drawing his tongue over the pads, sucking slightly. Remus stares at him, eyes dark, mouth flushed and open and then makes a sound that goes right through Sirius' groin.

Remus exhales through his nose and takes away his fingers, brushing them one last time over Sirius' lips, and then grabs his face with both hands, kissing him again. Desperate, more urgently, crowding Sirius against the kitchen counter, pressing their hips together. Sirius gasps into his mouth, feeling Remus hard against him through the soft fabric of his pants.

"Stop me now," Remus demands, almost growling, and presses a thigh between Sirius' legs, "Stop me, or by God, I will take you right here."

Sirius moans and jerks his hips forward, rutting like a teenager against his thigh. "Remus," he whispers and trails his tongue over his jaw, down his neck. "Remus…"

He groans and holds Sirius' hip, grinding a thigh directly over his erection. "God, stop saying my name, I will come right away."

Sirius bites down on the junction between his shoulder and neck, and quickly licks over the tender spot, making him shiver. "Remus," he says again, smiling, just because he can. Remus whimpers quietly at that, and Sirius thinks he might come as well, just from the sounds he's making.

Remus lifts his hands from Sirius' hip and drags them over his stomach, under the t-shirt he's wearing to bed, up his ribs and rubs his nipples with his thumbs. Sirius' breath hitches and he throws his head back in a silent moan, which Remus quickly uses to place a hot trail of wet kisses along his neck.

With what seems like the last bit of strength he has, Sirius lifts off the edge of the counter and turns them around, reversing their positions. Remus kisses him again, hot and wet, a little dazed, and keens when Sirius tugs on his lower lip with his teeth. Sirius twists a hand between their hips and palms Remus' cock through the pants, – long and stone-hard already – strokes deliberately slow up and down, making his hips tremble.

All he wants right now is to taste him, feel his heaviness on his tongue, undo him with his mouth. So, he breaks the kiss and sinks to his knees, holding Remus' hungry gaze with his own. Remus swallows hard and Sirius can feel his cock twitch when he wets his lips and smiles.

"Sirius," Remus says breathlessly and it's something between a question and a plead, resting a slightly shaking hand against his temple. Sirius draws his hand to his mouth and kisses his open palm, the other hand still stroking him slowly.

"Let me," Sirius asks. "Please, I want it so much."

Remus draws in a shaky breath and bites his lip, then nods jerkily. Sirius hooks his fingers under the elastic of his sweatpants and underwear, tugging them both down at the same time, and feels himself throb hotly at the sight of Remus – completely naked und aroused, all lean and tall and beautiful, trembling under his gaze.

His hipbones are sharp and prominent, and Sirius can't help but run his thumbs over them, applying pressure, and down his thighs. Remus is watching him, breathing shallowly, and his stomach muscles are contracting with every breath. He's absolutely stunning.

"Look at you," Sirius breathes and takes his cock in hand, enjoying the lack of barrier between their skin, the weight of it. "You're beautiful."

Remus grabs the counter with both hands and tilts his head back, revealing a gorgeous view of his neck and bobbing Adam's apple. Sirius leans in and places an open-mouthed kiss on the head of his cock.

"Fuck," Remus bites out, shuddering, and punches the counter with a closed fist. Sirius smiles and licks over his wet slit, closing his lips around the head and savouring his salty, musky taste.

Remus moans desperately and his hips jerk forward, cock sliding further inside Sirius' mouth. Sirius gets the hint and sinks his head deeper, holding him by the base, swirls his tongue on the underside of his shaft, and lifts again, hollowing his cheeks.

There is a small moan on every shallow exhale Remus makes, when Sirius increases the speed, drags his tongue over the sensitive spot underneath the head, helps himself with his hand. He has to hold Remus' hips in place with his other hand, digging his thumb under the sharp hipbone. He's so vocal, all inhibitions gone. Sirius watches his face intently, afraid to miss any flutter of eyelids, bite of lips, tremble of eyebrows. His thighs tense hard, and Sirius feels his cock swell up even more.

"Sirius," Remus presses out warningly. "Sirius, I'm close."

Sirius hums, long and low, around him, making him whimper desperately, and takes him deeper, opening his throat. He wants to feel him come inside his mouth, wants to taste his orgasm. His own erection is almost painful now, pressed flush against his stomach.

"Ah," Remus breathes out, almost surprised, and shudders violently. Sirius feels the pulse on his tongue, once, twice – and swallows, swallows around him. He bobs his head again, helping with one hand, riding his high.

"Oh my God," Remus sighs when Sirius lets him go and leans back a little. He's slumping against the counter, thighs still trembling from the orgasm, and Sirius steadies him with both hands.

He looks at Sirius with glossy eyes, lips red and swollen, and shakes his head in silent disbelief.

"Are you alright?" Sirius asks with a smile, inwardly preening from the reaction.

Remus drags a hand helplessly over his face and huffs. "You must be joking," he murmurs and seems to have gathered himself now. "Come here."

Sirius shifts and winces. "I might need a hand," he admits, and Remus leans down to help him to his feet. His knees crack loudly, and they both laugh.

"You're supposed to be the young and agile here," Remus teases and kisses him, long and sweet.

Sirius gasps when Remus strokes his cock through his boxers, already soaked through at the tip. Remus sucks in his lower lip and brushes a thumb over the wet fabric, making him twitch.

"Bed," he orders and tugs him out of the kitchen by the elbow. Sirius follows eagerly.

They fall on the sheets, kissing and smiling, and Remus undresses him slowly, touching every bit of skin he comes across – kissing down his neck, dipping his tongue in the hollow between the collarbones, working strong fingers over his shoulders and arms, licking his nipples, biting the sensitive skin under his navel. Sirius feels like he's floating, completely dissolving under these tender touches.

It's nothing he ever experienced before. All his sexual experiences before Fabian were hurried, shameful affairs filled with fear of being caught. And with Fabian… the sex was generally good, sometimes more or less satisfying, but he never took the time to get to know Sirius' body like this – gently, methodically, curios and eager to please. After four years of living together, Sirius felt more like going through the motions when they were intimate. Which, frankly, happened less and less.

"What do you want, love?" Remus asks and runs his fingers down Sirius' happy trail, palming his cock with the other hand.

Sirius' breath stutters. He's never been asked this so bluntly before, usually things just… happened, more or less naturally. What can he even say? What does he want?

"I don't know," Sirius admits and blushes.

Remus smiles and leans down to kiss him. "You don't know what you want, or you don't know how to ask?" he asks kindly.

"Both," Sirius breathes and squirms. "Remus, please, just do something …"

He reaches over and rummages in the drawer of the bedside table, before taking out a tube of lube, and Sirius feels a jolt of excitement. "Yes," he hisses and jerks his hips up into the tight ring of Remus' fingers around him.

Remus gives him one last peck and then slides down on him, making himself comfortable between Sirius' legs, and squeezing out a generous amount of lube. He slicks it over both hands and Sirius spreads his legs further apart, feeling shameless and frenzied. He has to swallow down a moan when Remus gently rubs two fingers between his cheeks and slides one finger in, running the other slick hand over his cock at the same time.

Sirius hums, eyes rolling back in pleasure, and lifts one leg up, hooking an arm under his knee to give Remus better access.

"Oh, fuck," Remus whispers breathlessly, leaning his forehead against Sirius' thigh and sliding his finger further in. "You're so hot."

He drags his open palm across the tip of Sirius' cock and adds another finger. Sirius moans and rolls his hips, unable to hold back between the pressure inside and the slow slide around him. The room swims before his eyes. It's torturous – too slow, too good. He needs more, but Remus continues his slow movements, working Sirius open the way he does everything – with quiet and sure determination. Sirius whimpers, thinking about all the times he imagined these smart hands on him while watching Remus work. And now it's happening, finally.

Remus changes the angle and Sirius shudders, crying out silently when he drags his fingers over his prostate. "There we go," Remus murmurs, smiling audibly. "Let go, Sirius, don't try to be quiet."

"Remus," Sirius whines and rocks down on his fingers desperately. "Do that again."

Remus crooks his fingers and moves his hand once more, eliciting a winded moan from him. Sirius feels sweat building on his temples and fists the sheet underneath him.

"Faster," Sirius pleads, trembling.

"No," Remus says simply and continues his slow, lazy rhythm. Fucking Sirius with his long fingers, grazing his prostate with every move, pumping his weeping cock in long, fluid motions.

It's maddening, Sirius can't even formulate coherent thoughts, his whole world shrinks down to the sensation of Remus' hands on him. He whips his head to the sides, whining and trembling. The arm underneath his knee starts slipping from the sweat and Remus shortly lets his cock go to place the leg on his shoulder.

Sirius hips jerk and he feels his lower stomach spasm with building pleasure.

"Yes, love," Remus whispers hotly, "yes. Come for me."

He wants, he really wants to, if Remus would just move a little faster, with a bit more pressure. Sirius feels like this will go on forever, keep him on the edge, but then he senses the build-up. It's not fast and powerful like he's used to. It's slow, like Remus' hands, it feels hot and sweet, piling up and coiling at his lower spine. Until it gets too much, almost overwhelming, and Sirius feels himself come, and come, and come with a drawn-out moan. It seems to go on for an eternity, drowning him, unwinding, long and intense. Remus guides him through it, milking him dry, murmuring nonsense and kissing his thigh, until Sirius collapses, breathless.

Sirius doesn't know how much time passes until he has gotten his breathing under control and his vision clears. He feels Remus retreat gently, placing his leg down on the mattress again. He feels cold for a moment while Remus leaves the bed just to come back with a damp towel. He feels how he's cleaning him up – his stomach, his chest, even up to his neck.

"Shh," Remus whispers, laying down next to him and carding Sirius closer when he starts to shiver uncontrollably.

Sirius wraps all his limbs around him and sighs into his neck. He feels completely spent, head pleasantly empty, his whole body still humming with the afterglow from the strongest orgasm he's ever had.

"Remus," he murmurs and places a kiss on his pulse point.

"Hm?"

"Nothing," he says quickly and blushes.

Remus rubs his chin on the top of his head and sighs. "We should sleep," he says, content, and reaches out to turn off the bedside lamp.

They fall asleep like that, naked and satisfied, cuddled together – unable to tell apart where Remus starts and Sirius ends.

"Do you want to join me?" Sirius asks, packing his bag and taking out his hair from a bun on top of his head.

He arranged to go to Andromeda's for dinner that morning as he promised. But they stayed at work longer, having slept in a little after the night they had, and Sirius decided to go there without stopping at Remus' flat beforehand.

Remus lifts his head and smiles. "Maybe another time," he says kindly. "I think it would be good for you to reconnect without anyone interfering."

Sirius knows he's probably right, but a part of him doesn't want to leave Remus. Especially not after last night – only the thought of it makes Sirius jeans seem uncomfortably tight. He feels like a horny teenager again and that's exciting and embarrassing in equal parts.

"Your loss," Sirius sighs. "Andromeda makes mean margaritas."

Remus smiles wider. "Have fun. Ring me if you need anything."

Sirius nods and brushes lightly against Remus' shoulders while leaving, keeping Adel in mind, who's pouring over a paper at his desk in the corner. Remus leans his head on the back of the chair, watching Sirius go with a smile still ghosting on his lips.

The public transport is packed during this time of day and Sirius arrives at Andromeda's house, feeling a little worse for wear. He's been drinking way too much coffee that day and feels himself crashing by the time he rings the doorbell.

"Uncle Sirius!" Nymphadora exclaims, opening the door for him. "Hello!"

Sirius gives her a smile and lets himself be tugged by an over-active and very clumsy eight-year-old into the house. "Careful," he says and laughs, hauling her up after she tripped over seemingly nothing. She pushes him into the kitchen with a giggle and clambers onto a high stool at the island where an open colouring book and an array of glitter gel pens wait for her.

Andromeda is in the kitchen too, humming along to the radio murmuring quietly in the background and washing up. It smells great in here, like rosemary and roasted potatoes. It smells like home. Sirius can't help but smile a little sadly – he never had that sort of atmosphere growing up. Neither did Andromeda, for that matter, and she managed to create it for herself now. He can only hope to be able to do that too someday.

"Hi, Andy," he says and gives her a kiss on the cheek. "I brought wine."

"Red?"

"Who do you think I am?"

"I'll tell you after I had some," she jokes and turns to him, wiping her hands. "Hello, cousin."

"Where's Ted?" Sirius asks curiously, looking around. "Wait. Where's Dora? She was just here a moment ago."

Andromeda huffs and brushes a strand of hair away from her face. "She's a child, Sirius, they are all over the place." She accepts Sirius' wine and motions for him to get the glasses while she uncorks it. "Ted is working late today. He'll join us after dinner, I suppose."

Sirius nods sympathetically. "Can I help you with cooking somehow? Or are you all done?"

Andromeda holds out a glass of wine for him and smiles. "Don't worry about it, it's almost ready. Let's sit down?"

They walk to the dining table, already set for three, and Sirius grins at the Batman glass that Andromeda placed for Nymphadora. The last time he was here they barely had time to talk – it was already late, they all had work or school the day after, and Sirius wasn't really in the mood to spill his guts then. He told her a brief summary, of course, and she probably gathered the rest by the look of him. Now he knows he won't get around it.

"So, tell me, cousin," Andromeda drawls as if on cue and sips her wine, nodding approvingly at his choice, "what the hell happened to your face?"

Oh. Right. Sirius almost forgot about that. The swelling was completely gone, but instead, his cheekbone was blooming in all blue and green colours of the spectrum. He lifts a hand to his cheek and grimaces.

"Well," Sirius says and sighs, "do you want the short story or the long story?"

Andromeda gives him an annoyed look. "Tell me everything, Sirius."

And he does. He tells her about his internship, about Remus, about Fabian's behaviour, about the things he said, about how Sirius felt. And she listens to him without interruptions, her face growing progressively darker.

Then Dora comes around and they eat dinner, diverting the conversation onto more children-approved topics for a while, before relocating to the sitting room with another bottle of wine from Andromeda's cellar. At some point, Ted comes home from work but leaves them alone with a knowing look, and Sirius is grateful for his consideration.

When he tells her about Prague, he blushes and squirms, and she watches him struggle with clear amusement. When he comes to the evening after, her face is ice-cold again, and she grabs his hand in compassion.

He tells her about after, about Remus' help, about their conversation. About going back to the flat to get his things and about how Remus lost his cool when Fabian came home.

"This Remus," she says thoughtfully and swirls the wine around in her glass, "seems to be a great man."

Sirius smiles, knowing that he must look completely foolish, and nods. "He really is."

"I'm glad he is there for you," Andromeda says warmly. "I just wish you would have told me sooner…"

They sit in silence for a while, before Sirius says, "I don't know how to explain it, it's like I've been under some kind of curse while I was with Fabian. Nothing else seemed to matter… I'm sorry I was absent for so long."

She sneers and looks very much like her sister this way. "I knew from the moment I first saw him that he wasn't any good for you," she says. "The way he talked to you… That Christmas dinner was just awful."

"What do you mean?" Sirius asks, confused.

Andromeda glances at him sceptically. "You didn't notice? He treated you like some sort of appendage. Making all these nasty jokes on your behalf and getting pissed every time someone said anything nice to you."

Sirius thinks back to that dinner and frowns. It wasn't any different to the other nights out they had. He actually thought it was a great evening until now. It hurts to realize how blind he was, and he feels ashamed again for letting it drag on for so long – that Christmas was two years ago, for God's sake! Was it already that bad then?

"I'm only starting to understand how twisted everything was," Sirius admits. "You know, after I got kicked out from home, I was so lost… And he was there for me at the time. I don't think I knew any better."

"You must have believed this was normal behaviour," she says and nods. "That's what I thought, anyway. We tried talking to you, but you just brushed us off, so we stopped. But I always hoped that one day you'd realize what an abusive arsehole he is."

"I do now," Sirius says bitterly and takes a long sip of his wine. "I'm glad it's over now."

"Me too," Andromeda agrees. "Good riddance to bad rubbish. I must send Remus a fruit basket or something for showing it to him. I would have loved an opportunity to claw his eyes out myself."

Sirius laughs. "Well, get in line, cousin. I owe him so much; I don't even know how to repay it."

"What do you mean?" she asks, confused.

"I don't have any money, Andy," Sirius sighs. "And… I know, it's embarrassing, but he said he would help me out until I can get a job."

Andromeda frowns and cocks her head. "Wait. What happened to your inheritance?"

Sirius raises his eyebrows, amused. "You can't have forgotten it, I was disowned. That's pretty old news."

"Not that," she says dismissively. "I mean Uncle Alphard's. You can't have possibly spent it all already?"

Sirius blinks a couple of times. "Wait. What? Uncle Alphard is dead?"

Andromeda shakes her head, bewildered, and waves a hand in front of Sirius' face. "Hello? Are you having memory issues? He died last year. You must've gotten the notice."

"Andy, are you having me on?" Sirius asks, shocked. "I didn't know anything about that!"

She frowns and looks into her glass for a moment. "I always wondered why you didn't show up for the funeral," she murmurs to herself. "You really didn't know?"

Sirius shakes his head, a gnawing sadness forming in his gut. "God, I can't believe he's gone… I didn't have any contact with him after I left, but he really was one of the better Blacks. I really had no idea."

"This can't be," she says sceptically. "He left everything he had to you. You must've gotten papers from the bank to accept the inheritance."

"He did what?" Sirius gasps. "I got nothing! What the fuck? I would absolutely have come to the funeral. I loved the old man when I was little!"

They sit in shocked silence for a while. Sirius feels like his head might explode.

"I don't want to put blame on anyone," she says slowly, eyeing Sirius incredulously, "but either there was a very huge mistake with both the bank and the funeral service, or…"

"Fabian," Sirius breathes and feels his heart clench. Could that be? Could he have gone through his post and kept it all away from him?

"That bastard," Andromeda growls. "I will rip his heart out."

"You mean to tell me that I have money?" Sirius asks suddenly. "That I have enough money to be completely independent?"

Andromeda shrugs. "I don't really know how much it is, but I bet it's a nice sum that would definitely get you through university. There's his house too, let's not forget that. That would make a nice sum if sold."

And then everything is crystal clear. All the fighting about money, all the manipulations to get Sirius away from the idea of looking for a job, all the guilt-tripping for being financially dependent on him. And now this? Just to keep Sirius under the illusion that he had no way out? To keep him bound? If not with love, then with money…

Sirius buries his face in his hands and groans. What a fool he has been. So blind and stupid.

"Darling," Andromeda says warmly, "we'll get that sorted out, alright? I can find out where the inheritance is and how you can claim it, and all will be well."

Sirius nods. This is great news, actually. But it feels like the worst betrayal.

"Thank you," he breathes. "Andy, you have no idea… All this time…"

She smiles evilly. "I bet a good chunk of that inheritance would be well spent on a hitman, don't you think?"

They chat a bit more, changing to tea instead of wine, and Sirius asks her about her life, Ted, Dora, all the things he has missed over the last years. It's nice to talk about something else for a while, get out of his own mess of a life and laugh about her stories of Dora's football practices and their last trip to Italy.

"Do you want to stay the night?" she asks gently. "You know, the guest bedroom is always yours when you need it, Sirius." She holds her hand up in surrender at his exasperated look. "I know, I know, Remus is a great guy, but just in case you need it – you have a place to go."

"Thank you," he says sincerely, and she smiles at him, a little saddened.

Sirius checks the time and blanches because it's so much later than he thought. He didn't tell Remus when he would be back and definitely didn't tell him he would stay the night. Would he be mad?

"I'll stay tonight," he decides, because it's too late to take the bus now, and he's drunk and feels way too comfortable where he is. Andromeda gives his knee a pat and gets up to prepare the guest room.

Sirius watches her leave, worrying his lip and then takes a deep breath before ringing Remus.

"How are the margaritas?" Remus' amused voice sounds from the speaker.

Sirius smiles despite himself. "Taste too much like red wine today, I'm afraid. You didn't miss anything."

"Good," Remus says and laughs. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah," Sirius says. "I think I'll stay the night if that's alright with you. It's gotten pretty late."

"Sure," Remus says lightly. "You don't need to ask me for permission, Sirius."

And then Sirius notices that he has fallen into his old thinking patterns, again, without even noticing. Remus is not Fabian. Of course, he wouldn't be mad. How does he keep forgetting?

"Yeah, I know," Sirius sighs.

"Should I bring you fresh clothes to work tomorrow or will you stop home before?"

That's so considerate of him… Sirius wouldn't have thought to ask for something like that at all. He ponders it for a moment.

"I'll come home before work," he decides and warmth spreads in his chest like it never did when he lived with Fabian. "Don't worry about it."

"Okay," Remus agrees easily. "Sleep well, love."

"You too," Sirius whispers, and this time, Remus waits for his reply before hanging up.

Sirius doesn't sleep well that night, tossing and turning, falling in and out of dreams he can't remember afterwards. He can't stop thinking about Fabian, feeling overwhelmed again by the realization of how deep his manipulations went. He thinks about Alphard, remembering all the times they've met – over family dinners, at parties, for his school enrolment. He took Regulus and him to a theme park once, without their parents knowing, and it is one of the fondest memories Sirius has of his childhood.

Alphard was the odd one in their family – the middle child, often overlooked by his parents and siblings. Sirius remembers everyone whispering behind his back about his 'frivolous lifestyle'. Which, from his family, was just a confirmation that Alphard actually lived a life outside of the family business.

He never married, Sirius remembers, and suddenly asks himself if he was gay too. Was that the reason why he put Sirius down as his only heir, instead of distributing the inheritance between all family members? Could he have felt sympathetic for him? Sirius is a little conflicted at that thought because he remembers very well how he felt back then – kicked out for coming out, with nowhere to go and no one to turn to. He would have appreciated any kind of support back then, especially from a fellow queer family member. But maybe Alphard was scared to out himself by helping him openly, especially after seeing how bad it was for Sirius.

He falls asleep, finally, and wakes up with a roaring headache from Dora's shrill voice in the hall. Maybe the second bottle of wine was a bad idea…

"Good morning," he murmurs, coming down into the kitchen after a quick shower which only made him dizzier.

Andromeda doesn't look any better and just waves her hand lazily from the dining table. Ted gives them both a wide grin. "Good morning, Sirius!" he says a little too loudly and both Sirius and Andromeda wince. "You look stunning today!"

"Andy, watch out for your man," Sirius murmurs, pouring himself a cup of coffee, "I think he's looking for another Black outcast."

Ted wiggles his eyebrows suggestively and Andromeda hums. "We seem to be popular nowadays," she says with an undertone that Sirius doesn't quite catch.

He watches her and Ted share a loaded look and suddenly feels very out of place. That look screams 'family drama' and he has enough as it is. It's time to leave anyway if he doesn't want to be late for work.

"Well, I best be off," he announces and gives Andromeda a kiss on the cheek. Ted shakes his hand with a smile.

"Bye, Uncle Sirius!" Dora yells from somewhere upstairs.

He dozes off on the bus and almost misses his stop, rushing out at the last moment. It's almost eight and he decides to get some take out coffee for Remus and him, figuring that he'd use the opportunity to sleep a bit longer without Sirius there to wake him up.

The coffee shop at the corner of Remus' street is surprisingly empty for this time of day, but Sirius isn't about to question his luck. The headache is getting worse, and he drags himself up the stairs to Remus' flat, cursing Andromeda through his teeth for bringing out the second bottle of wine.

Just like he thought, Remus is still asleep when he walks into the bedroom, carrying their drinks. There is a book laying open next to him – he must've fallen asleep reading last night.

Sirius grins and pops open the lid of Remus' coffee, holding it near his face. "Good morning," he sing-songs. "I brought you your life elixir."

Remus shuffles and squints his eyes open, then yawns with flourish. He hums, hoarse from sleep, and zeroes in on the cup in Sirius' hand. "Now this is something I can get used to."

He sits up, rubbing at his eyes, and gives Sirius a sleepy smile – all soft and lopsided. It makes Sirius' heart hitch. He hands over the cup and watches Remus smell it with amusement.

"Black and with an absurd amount of syrup that is bound to give you a cavity on the spot," Sirius informs him. Remus huffs and sips it, sighing contently.

While Remus wakes up, Sirius changes into fresh clothes and plugs in his phone, sipping his own coffee. He feels more awake now, but the headache is still bad, so at some point, he faceplants onto the bed with a groan. There is a hand in his hair then, brushing it through, massaging his scalp.

"How are you?" Remus asks, sounding more awake now. "Had a fun night?"

"I feel like my head is stuffed with Styrofoam," Sirius whines. "Please, I beg for emergency slaughter."

"It's a 'yes' then," Remus concludes and chuckles. "You're very dramatic."

"Am not," Sirius mumbles. "I'm never drinking again."

Remus huffs and scoots down on the bed, draping an arm over Sirius back and resting his cheek somewhere between his shoulder blades. "Want some aspirin?"

"Yes, please," Sirius says and smiles. "And a kiss."

He tugs Remus' pillow down while he leaves for the bathroom, and buries his face in it, breathing in. He feels better already, the uneasiness of last night's conversation lifting from his shoulders. He almost falls asleep, lulled by the sound of Remus' electric toothbrush, and surrounded by his smell.

The bed dips beside him and a cold glass is pressed in his palm. "Drink that," Remus says. "It's your life elixir."

Sirius sits up with a wince and downs the fizzing drink on one go. "Thank you," he says and smiles tiredly.

Remus leans forward and kisses him, soft and sweet. "Thank you for the coffee."

"Intern," Sirius says and points at himself. "That's my job."

He rolls his eyes and kisses Sirius' bruised cheek. "That's not your job at all, stop pretending like you don't know how good you are."

I'm not pretending, Sirius wants to say. He understands very well how much he lacks in theoretical knowledge. He might be able to follow instructions or repeat workflows, but there is a reason he's just an unpaid intern. He's more worried that whatever feelings Remus has for him might cloud his appraisal skills.

"Learning from the best," he says instead and enjoys the honest smile on Remus' face. "Now, get dressed, I need to get something with lots and lots of bacon for breakfast or I'll literally die."

"So dramatic," Remus says, exasperated, and laughs.

Chapter 9: The Logic of Feelings

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

"Sirius, are you here?" James pokes his head into their lab.

"What's up?" Sirius asks, closing the door of the incubator with his shoulder, holding a stack of tissue flasks in both hands.

"You got a second?"

"In or out!" Remus says loudly from under the hood, sounding annoyed.

Sirius and James grin at each other and James comes in, closing the door behind him.

"Nothing will happen to your precious air filtering!" James shouts back and Remus harumphs, tossing a glass pipette a bit too loudly.

"We had a contamination yesterday," Sirius explains. "He's a bit sensitive now."

"I can hear you!" Remus says. "And I'm not sensitive. Rules are there for a reason."

"Rules are there for a reason," James mimics him silently, making a face, and Sirius snickers quietly.

He learned quickly that James was probably the only person at their lab that wasn't a little afraid of Remus, and also the only one he would consider a friend. They bicker endlessly and Sirius walked in on them outright shouting at each other more than once now. But he also knows that Remus is the one who helped James move last month and that James visited him more than once when he was down with the flu that one time.

"You wanted something?" Sirius asks over his shoulder, walking back to Remus at the clean bench and handing him the cells.

"Lily wants to talk to you," James says with a knowing grin and adjusts his glasses.

Sirius frowns. "Okay… Now?"

"Yep."

Sirius pokes Remus in the ribs with one finger. "Have you fired me at last?" he asks sceptically. "Why would Lily want to talk to me?"

Remus glares at him and blows a stray curl from his forehead. "I will fire you if you don't stop with that nonsense." He ostentatiously flicks one of the flask caps against the bench wall with a finger. Sirius forgot to screw it on all the way again after changing the medium last time.

"Sorry," Sirius says quietly and shuffles a little, feeling guilty.

"It's fine," Remus says and exhales through his nose. "Go talk to Lily."

Sirius grimaces at James and peels off his gloves, dropping them in the autoclave waste.

"Wait, how do you know she wants to talk to me?" he asks James as they walk down the hall together.

James smiles mysteriously. "I don't kiss and tell," he says smugly.

Sirius barks a laugh and pats him on the shoulder. "You already did, mate."

Lily is on the phone with someone when Sirius walks into her office, closing the door behind him. She sends him a distracted smile and nods at one of the chairs in front of her desk, returning to her conversation again.

He waits impatiently, trying not to worry about what she wants to talk about all of a sudden. It's not like he did something bad that would warrant a talk with HR. Or did someone catch on to the nature of his and Remus' relationship? Was this frowned upon? He was his supervisor, at the end of the day… Oh God, is Remus in trouble because of him?

"Yes, yes, thank you. I'll forward her application to you. Good. Okay, have a great day." Lily hangs up and lifts her head. "Sirius, nice of you to join me!"

Sirius smiles nervously. "I heard you wanted to talk to me?"

"Yes," she says and nods. "You've been with us for over a month now and I heard a lot of positive feedback about your performance."

"Erm… Thanks?"

She smiles. "People here like you, Sirius," she says warmly. "Peter tells me you help him with his data analysis and even stay late to help with his cultivations?"

"Oh." Sirius nods. Is that a problem? Should he only work for Remus? Or is it about the overtime? "Yes, I did that a couple of times, but that wasn't a big deal."

Lily ignores his comment. "Great! James also said you help with the orders and even organized a clean-up operation in the whole lab before the visit of TAN-Bio?"

"Well, actually, that was Remus' idea…"

"Amazing!" she interrupts him. "Remus is also very happy with your work on his Cell Expansion project. Is it true that you took on all of his workload while he was ill for a whole week and did some very successful additional experiments?"

Sirius raises his eyebrows, completely lost. Where is this even going?

"I wouldn't say they were 'very successful', to be honest…"

"Very good," she concludes. "It is rare to find someone so diligent and motivated as you are, and you have integrated wonderfully in the laboratory group. Some even say that you are one of the brightest and hard-working people they know. And that you have become absolutely irreplaceable in the daily functioning of the lab."

Sirius gapes at her. "Who said that?"

"For data privacy reasons, I cannot disclose that information," she says gravely. "But that person also said, in front of the whole board meeting, mind you, and I quote, 'you would all be fucking delusional if you let him go after his internship is over'."

That sounds awfully like Remus to him. In front of the whole board? With his heart beating in his throat, Sirius stares at her, wide-eyed, as she gives him a bright smile.

"And this is why we would like to offer you a job as a student assistant after your internship is over," Lily concludes. "Because we are not 'fucking delusional'," she adds acerbically.

"What?" Sirius asks nonsensically. "Really?"

"There is a position opening up in May at Peter's research group," she continues. "So, you wouldn't keep working on the Cell Expansion project, unfortunately. But it seems like you've already done some experiments with Peter and you're free to help around with other research groups, should the time allow it."

"Wow," Sirius breathes. "That is… Thank you! I would love to!"

She grins and winks at him. "Very well, I'll send you a contract over the next weeks when it's been approved by the head of the laboratory."

Sirius nods, still a little shocked. "Great, thank you, Lily."

"Don't thank me," she grumbles good-naturally. Then she looks at him with laughing eyes. "We are happy to have you onboard."

"I'm happy to be here," Sirius says earnestly and gets up, recognizing a dismissal when he hears one. "Have a good day!"

"See you at the pub tomorrow," Lily says cheekily, already typing something on her computer.

Sirius walks out of her office and down the stairs to the ground floor, smiling to himself. When he arrives at Remus' lab again, he's still sitting under the hood.

"You are unbelievable!" Sirius exclaims and raises his hands helplessly. Remus laughs and turns his head to look at him. "Calling the board 'fucking delusional'? Are you mental?"

"Well," Remus says in a dry tone, "they would be if they didn't approve you for the position."

Sirius huffs and shakes his head. "You could have lost your PhD placement! And for what? Do you have no sense of self-preservation?"

Remus rolls his eyes at him. "I just won you a job, a little more gratitude would be advisable."

Sirius walks up to him and takes his face in both hands, placing a loud kiss on his smiling lips. "You wonderful, wonderful man!" Sirius says.

"That's more like it," Remus says smugly and tilts his head for another kiss.

"I see the celebrations are in full force!" James' amused voice sounds behind them. "Where is my kiss?"

Sirius instantly lets Remus go and takes a step back, mortified. James grins at him knowingly.

"Fuck off you twat," Remus grumbles good-naturally, completely unbothered, and turns back to his cells. "You can have a pint tomorrow."

James laughs and pats Sirius on the shoulder. "I'm glad you morons figured it out," he says wistfully. "I was growing tired of that tip-toeing."

Sirius narrows his eyes at Remus' back and points between them. "Have you been talking about me?"

Remus conveniently ignores him, but James just shrugs. "We had that pathetic unrequited-love club going for a while, but I gathered that I'm on my own once again," he sighs.

"Aha!" Sirius exclaims. "And how long has this been going on for?"

"Oh, pretty much since the beginning," James says mockingly. "I couldn't get a quiet minute. 'James, have you seen his hair? He's like a walking shampoo commercial!', 'James, he asked me if I was feeling better today. Do you think he cares about me?', 'James, I'm so screwed, his ass looks…"

"Shut up!" Remus groans and lets his head hang. "Or I swear, I'll pour your favourite screwdriver in agar again!"

"No, no," Sirius says and laughs giddily, "I want to know what you think about my ass."

"Oh, I'll show you what I think…" Remus murmurs.

"Spare me!" James cries dramatically and turns to leave. "I don't want to know!"

Sirius watches him retreat with a stupid smile on his face. Was Remus really pining for him? But he was so cold at the beginning, was James exaggerating? All this time Sirius was walking around, fantasizing about him, thinking he wouldn't give him the time of day, and…

"Sirius," Remus says warningly, glaring at him from over his shoulder, effectively ripping him out of his thoughts, "what was rule number one? Where are your gloves?"

Sirius grins at him remorselessly.

"Do you need help with the house? Ted and I can come down with you on Sunday." Andromeda turns off the engine and leans back in her seat. "Sirius, did you hear me?"

Sirius slowly lifts his eyes from the documents in his hand. "Sorry, what?"

Andromeda smiles at him. "Stop fretting, these are great news!" she says with a nod to his hands. "So, what about the house?"

On Thursday night Andromeda called Sirius to tell him that she found out what they needed to know about the inheritance and that she was so bold to arrange an appointment at the bank for Sirius on Saturday. Helpful as she is, she also offered to accompany him.

"Oh, the house…" He completely forgot about the damn house. "I don't know yet, Andy, can I get back to you? I don't think I'm ready to do that tomorrow."

She gives him an understanding smile. "Of course, darling, don't worry about it." She pats his knee. "Will you be alright?"

"Sure," Sirius drawls and waves the papers. "How can I not be with these funds?"

Andromeda hums. "Well, they said it'll take about a week to finish the rest of the paperwork and then some time to transfer the assets."

"I'll survive another week," Sirius says and chuckles. "You are like a mom to me lately."

"I am a mom," she says simply and then elbows him pointedly in the ribs with a giggle. "But not to you, cousin !"

Sirius laughs and hugs her awkwardly from the side, leaning over the middle console of her Rover. "Thank you, is what I was trying to say."

She gives him a loud peck on the cheek and shoves him away. "You're welcome. Now get out of my car, I'm late to Dora's football practice."

He jumps out of the car and watches her drive off with mixed feelings. It was very kind of her to come with him to the bank and he feels guilty once again for how much he had missed over the years of not keeping in touch. After that he's surprised, she would even talk to him, let alone go to such lengths to help him.

With a sigh, he walks up the stairs to Remus' flat, still clutching the papers in his hand that prove his newfound independence. The thing is, he didn't tell Remus about the inheritance yet. Sirius doesn't know why exactly, it's not like he would mind that. He'd probably be happy to have Sirius out of his hair sooner. But something stopped him every time he thought about sharing the news.

"Hello, bestie," Sirius coos at Basil who shoots out of the living room to greet him by the door and crouches to scratch his head. Basil leans into his touch and then rubs all over his legs, leaving ginger hair on the dark fabric of his trousers.

"He likes you more than me," Remus says with a smile, coming up to lounge against the doorframe.

"It's because he has taste," Sirius says with a grin, shrugging off his jacket and toeing off his shoes.

"It's because you give him treats," Remus says with a mock scowl. "Don't think I haven't noticed."

"Damn, Basil, we have been exposed!" Sirius exclaims. "Run! Before he puts you on a diet plan!"

Basil just meows lazily. Remus shakes his head in exasperation and then smiles. "Your appointment went well?"

Sirius sighs and waves the papers in his hand. "Let's sit down, yeah? I have to tell you something."

Remus gives him a quizzical look and Sirius feels a little nervous about the talk they need to have.

"Did someone die?" Remus jokes when they sit down on the couch.

Sirius lets out a nervous laugh and instantly feels bad about it. "Yes, actually," he says.

Remus' face falls and he places a heavy hand on Sirius' knee. "Oh my God, I'm so sorry, I didn't think…" He frowns and cocks his head. "What happened?"

"My uncle died," Sirius says and sighs, then points at the papers. "And he left me everything, it seems like."

Remus completely ignores the last part. "I'm so sorry for your loss," he says earnestly. "Are you okay?"

Sirius thinks about it. Is he okay? Well, he has known for some days now, had some time to process it. But it still feels unreal, maybe because he hasn't seen Alphard for so long – it doesn't feel any different, to be honest. And, frankly, he has mourned the lost ties to his family years ago already. He didn't expect to see any of them again after he was kicked out.

But, of course, it's sad. Especially knowing that Alphard seemed to have a soft spot for him after all. Maybe he should have tried to contact him after he left… Now it's a choice that was taken from him forever.

"I think I'm alright," Sirius says and then shrugs. "Well, as much as it's possible, considering the circumstances. I still can't believe it."

Remus gives him a sympathetic look and worries his lip. "Do you need anything? When is the funeral? Will you go?"

"The thing is," Sirius begins, figuring he might as well tell the whole story, "it happened months ago. Last autumn, apparently. Andromeda told me on Tuesday."

"Oh," Remus says and frowns. "Is it because you aren't on good terms with your family? Didn't they think of telling you?"

Sirius shakes his head slowly, feeling incredibly bitter again. "They did, or so Andromeda says. But I never got the letter. I also never got the invitation to claim the inheritance."

"That's… weird," Remus says, confused. "It's usually more than just one letter. When my grandma died it was a whole ordeal. Did they have the wrong address?"

"No," Sirius says and can't keep the edge out of his tone. "They showed me today, the address was correct."

"Huh," Remus says thoughtfully. And then Sirius watches the realization creep in – his eyes grow hard, and his lips tighten into a firm line, he takes a long breath. "Oh, this is just terrific ."

"Yeah," Sirius says quietly. "That's what Andromeda and I figured as well…"

It takes Remus a little while to calm down again, and Sirius feels a lot better after telling him. It's also reassuring to know that he wasn't being paranoid, that Remus came to the same conclusion.

"I'm so sorry this happened to you," he says finally and lifts a hand to run it through Sirius' hair gently. "Is there any way I can help? Do you want to visit his grave maybe? It's awful that you missed the last chance to say goodbye."

Sirius sighs and leans into the touch, closing his eyes. This is actually a good idea. Why didn't he think of it before?

"Yeah, I'd like that," he says and nods. "But not right now. I think I need some time."

Remus smiles a little. "Whenever you're ready," he promises and opens his arms as an invitation.

Sirius smiles gratefully and lets himself be cuddled, drawing his legs underneath him on the couch. This is nice – being supported like that. Why did he wait to tell Remus anyway? Was he scared that it would touch on the subject of money again? Is he still, unconsciously, afraid that it would be like it was with Fabian?

Or was he just reluctant to share because that would mean that he had to look for his own place now? He knows he has to move out, that he can't possibly count on Remus' hospitality for longer. Even though he never made Sirius feel like a nuisance, he must be tired of him already.

But Sirius has never lived alone before, he doesn't even know what it feels like to be on his own. And he likes being around Remus. Likes falling asleep with his arms around him, likes waking up next to him, likes going to work together and coming home again, likes cooking in his small kitchen and watching him play with Basil on the living room carpet. He feels so safe here, where Remus is so different than he is at work, where you have the most wonderful view of the sunsets from the tiny balcony, where the ceilings are high, and floors are creaky and uneven. There are cat hairs everywhere, and the water takes ages to warm up in the morning, the kitchen counters are unnecessarily high and there is always a draft coming from the windows. It's so imperfectly comfortable.

And it's heart-breaking that he has to leave again. Find a flat that is unfamiliar and empty, where no cats are choking him with their fluffy tails in the middle of the night and scratchy records playing in the background. Where there is no Remus to wake up to – drowsy and short-mouthed, hair fluffed up adorably and lips plump from sleep.

They have never talked about what it is between them, not after that first night where Remus picked him up – lost and beaten up. Are they some weird sort of friends-with-benefits? Are they in a relationship now? Because it feels like it a lot, and Sirius doesn't think that Remus is seeing anyone else – they spend almost all of their time together. But what if he wants to? What if he said those things only to calm him down, make him accept the help he needed? Remus never spoke about it again and Sirius doesn't know how to start a conversation like that.

What would happen if Sirius moved out? Would they return to only seeing each other at work and on Friday nights? Can he even cope with that, after everything that happened?

"You're brooding," Remus comments and rubs his back. "What's on your mind?"

Sirius sighs, feeling a little caught. "I'm just…" He lifts his head to see Remus' face better, to watch his reaction. "I know you said you didn't want to pressure me into anything."

He frowns a little, looking a bit pained for a moment there, and nods. "Yes."

"But I can't go on like this. Not knowing what it is between us," Sirius says honestly. "I really want to be with you, but we haven't talked about it again… And I get that I'm a wreck, nothing attractive about that. You probably think I'm a stupid child, and, really, that's probably true–"

He notices that he's rambling, feeling his heartbeat a mile per minute, and cuts himself off.

"Sirius," Remus breathes, exasperated, "I think I've made myself clear. I don't think you're a wreck. Or a child." He grimaces at that. "I just think that you're maybe going at things a little too fast."

"What do you mean?"

Remus brushes his hair back in an affectionate gesture. "You just got out of an abusive relationship. Christ, your bruises just about healed! It's still so fresh. You deserve time to process everything," he says. "You deserve the opportunity to find out who you are – outside of that relationship. Any relationship. You deserve to date, to meet people, to find out what you really want."

Sirius bites his lip, feeling impossibly sad. "I don't want to," he whispers. "I don't want to date random people."

"How can you know that?" Remus asks sceptically. "You've spent all of your adulthood with that horrible man. You're only twenty-two, you are still so young!"

"So, that's about age?" Sirius asks, hurt. "You think I'm too young and immature for you? Too inexperienced?"

Remus groans and closes his eyes for a moment. "That's not what I'm saying at all," he tries again. "I just think that maybe you are trying to overcome that experience you had with Fabian by jumping into a new relationship right away. And I think you don't actually want that."

Sirius grabs at his hand desperately. "How do you know what I want? Huh? How can you know that?"

"Sirius, I've been there!" Remus exclaims. "I know what it is like to be in your early twenties. I had my fair share of fun, of meaningless sex, of toxic boyfriends and relationship drama. I am now at a place in my life where I know what I want because I've made these experiences. You didn't have a chance to do that yet."

When James said that Remus was arrogant and full of himself, Sirius didn't believe him. Now he understands what he meant. It's astonishing how sure he's about everything he says, confident that he's right. Which is impressive when it comes to academia, but complete bullshit when it comes to interpersonal relationships.

"Oh, and what is it that you want?" Sirius asks incredulously. "What does the wise man want now?"

Remus blinks at him, lost for words, and his eyes flash sharply. "You!" he almost yells and points a finger at Sirius' chest. "I want you! I want all the cliché, romantic things – a house, a garden, a child, through sickness and health and everything in between – with you! And you can't give me that, Sirius."

Never in his life has Sirius felt as conflicted as he does now. Because Remus is saying all the right things, formulates thoughts he has been pushing deep inside his mind for weeks, and then he just takes a red pen and crosses everything out.

"And why is that?" he asks, blood running cold. Now comes the blow.

Remus looks like he's about to cry now and this is the most emotional he's ever been around him. It's frightening.

"Because you only think you want me! Because I helped you and supported you, because I am here and willing! Because you will ruin me, okay?" His voice breaks and he swallows hard. "You will chew me up and spit me out when you're done with me, have gotten over your heartbreak, and move on to better things."

Sirius scoffs and makes a show of looking around. "What better things, Remus?"

"You don't even know me," Remus says, suddenly quiet. "I must look amazing in comparison to Fabian, but I'm really not. I'm difficult to be around, I have anger issues, I am married to my work, I am the biggest introvert I know."

He has to suppress a nervous laugh at that. Because Remus sounds so unfamiliarly dramatic, thinking he's revealing all these hidden truths. But it's nothing Sirius didn't already know about him for a long time.

Sirius does realize one crucial point, though. And it has nothing to do with the things Remus listed, and everything to do with his own faulty thinking. His unwavering belief that Remus is somehow all-knowing, always right, never frightened. But he's just a human, isn't he? An incredibly stubborn human with his own set of insecurities.

"Okay, Mister Anger Issues, let's take a deep breath," Sirius says with a smile, feeling for the first time like the calm one. "I need you to listen to me closely and really hear what I'm saying. Can you do that?"

Remus drops his hands in his lap and sighs, looking dishevelled and on edge. "Yes, I'm listening," he says finally after a long pause. "Talk."

Sirius nods. "What I'm gathering from your little speech right now, is that you think I'm so broken after my past relationship with Fabian, that I can't think clearly." He can't help an eye roll at that. "That I developed some form of twisted, reverse form of Stockholm Syndrome where I only have feelings for you because you basically saved me from an abusive relationship and not because it's you personally that I'm attracted to. Am I correct?"

"Yes," Remus says in a clipped tone, avoiding eye contact.

"And you think that at some point I will come to my senses and leave you again, after gaining my 'clarity' back?"

"Yes."

"And you believe that I can't know what I want because I haven't found out what I don't want yet, having been in a long-term relationship and being so young?"

"Yes."

Sirius nudges him to get his attention and holds his gaze. "Do you think everyone is like you? That there are no different personalities out there?"

"No, of course not," Remus says and frowns. "That's exactly what I was trying to tell you–"

Sirius holds up a finger, interrupting him. "It's my turn to talk, okay?" He waits for Remus' nod and continues, "So, you agree that there is a possibility that I am different than you are? With different thought patterns, beliefs and desires?"

"Obviously."

"Good, glad you understand that," Sirius says sarcastically. "You also mentioned that I don't know you well enough, because, I assume, you think that one and a half months were too short for me to realize what kind of person you are and decide whether I like you for you. Am I assuming correctly?"

"Well, yes," Remus says a little suspiciously and raises his eyebrows.

"Now tell me, you academic mastermind, where is the fault in this logic? One month of knowing each other equals in me not being able to decide about my feelings, but also equals in you being sure about your feelings." Sirius raises his eyebrows questioningly.

Remus frowns. "There is no fault in this logic because you are not me. You're in a very different situation than I am."

"Aha!" Sirius exclaims. "So, you confirm that we are not the same. For you to make that kind of statement about my ability to make a decision, you either have to know me really well or for me to be the same as you are."

They look at each other for a long time and Sirius can see the cogs turning in Remus' head, trying to find an argument to support his point. He thinks it's time to finish this off.

"Do you know me for longer than I have known you?"

"No."

"Are you some kind of psychic who can read minds?"

"No."

"So, if we know each other equally well, either you have to believe me when I say I know what I want, or you have to admit that you can't be sure about your own feelings," Sirius says with a smile.

Remus looks at him tiredly. "Sirius, I believe when you say you think you know what you want. But because feelings aren't equations, you cannot operate them with this sort of logic."

"Fucking hell!" Sirius cries and buries his face in his hands. "You are so infuriatingly stubborn! You think I only have feelings because you saved me? Remus, you have no fucking clue how long I've been thinking about this, about us! Before the breakup, before Prague, before I realized what sort of person Fabian is. I went home after my first day at the internship and you were the only thing on my mind! He has nothing to do with this."

There is a long silence after that where Sirius tries to gather his thoughts, feeling like he's drowning. This is impossible. He is impossible!

"Sirius."

"Still my fucking turn to talk!" Sirius says harshly, feeling desperate. "I don't want to date, I don't want to fuck around, I don't want anyone else but you."

"Sirius."

He ignores him. "You don't believe me? Fine. I will wait and show you. How long is long enough for you? Another month? Three months? A year? How long until you believe me that I love you?"

"Sirius, look at me!"

When he finally does, Remus' eyes shine with unshed tears. Fuck, did he take it too far? Was he the one pressuring Remus now? He's being selfish again, not thinking about his fears at all. And now he ruined everything…

"Say that again," Remus says stiffly, and Sirius gives him a questioning look.

"I love you?" Sirius says, a little confused. Or did he mean something else?

Suddenly, there are fingers on his cheeks, and Remus' face is incredibly close. Sirius can see his wet, spiky eyelashes, the frown between his brows. He looks at Sirius intensely, eyes darting left and right between his.

"I believe you," Remus says breathlessly, making Sirius' heart jump with sudden hope.

And then he kisses him.

Notes:

I hope you liked it! Tell me what you think in the comments :)

Chapter 10: The Calm Before A Storm

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

"Does that mean we are together now?" Sirius asks, breathing heavily, lips pulsing from extensive kissing.

Remus smiles timidly. "Yes. I mean, if you want to?"

Sirius huffs and swings his leg over Remus, sliding into his lap. There are hands on his ass immediately, grabbing him, pulling him closer.

"Wow, he finally asks what I want," Sirius comments acerbically and moans when Remus jerks his hips up, rubbing deliciously over his erection.

"What do you want, Sirius?" Remus asks with a slow smile, eyes hooded. And Sirius' cock twitches painfully against his tight trousers at the memory of the last time he asked him that. Sirius didn't know what he wanted back then. He does now.

"You," he breathes and bites his lip, grinding down. "Inside of me. Right now."

Remus exhales sharply and grabs him by the neck, pulling him into a heated, wet kiss. "Yes," he hisses against his lips.

"Please tell me you carry condoms and lube packets in your pockets," Sirius jokes.

"I stopped doing that at twenty-five," Remus says dryly.

Sirius sighs. "I'll go get it," he decides and then smirks. "You better be naked when I return."

"Or else?" Remus asks daringly and bites his neck, making Sirius toss his head back and squirm.

"Or else," Sirius breathes, "I'll have fun on my own and you can only watch."

Remus looks up at him with quickly darkening eyes and wets his lips. Sirius feels a jolt of excitement at apparently finding something Remus is into. Did he imagine Sirius this way before? Pictured him touching himself?

"Next time," Remus says promisingly and Sirius grins, getting up from his lap and unbuttoning his shirt on the way to the bedroom.

Next time sounds good. He feels a flock of butterflies in the pit of his stomach at the thought that there will be many, countless 'next times' now. Because they are properly together now, after a fucking rollercoaster of emotions.

He grabs what he was after and undresses completely on the way back, earning an unimpressed look from Basil.

When he gets back to the living room, Remus turns around to watch him and Sirius can see his cock hardening further against his stomach. He tosses Remus the lube, stopping in front of the couch and smiles at the hungry, burning gaze on him.

"Fuck," Remus says with audible disbelief. "How are you even real?"

Sirius looks down at himself. "Like what you see?" he asks cheekily and tries not to blush.

Remus looks absolutely gorgeous himself with his broad, strong shoulders and narrow hips. His flushed cock stands out beautifully against his pale skin and Sirius can't keep his eyes away, imagining what it would feel like to have him inside.

"Come here," Remus growls instead of answering and Sirius complies readily.

They moan in unison when their erections press against each other, trapped between their stomachs and Sirius leans back a little to fit his hand around them both. Stroking them together, spreading a bead of pre-come over Remus' tip with a thumb.

Remus reaches behind him and rubs a dry finger against his hole teasingly, pressing sloppy, wet kisses all over his chest. Sirius whines quietly, remembering these fingers inside of him, and his stomach clench with desire.

"God, what you do to me," Remus murmurs against his neck and jerks his hips upwards, reaching blindly for the lube with one hand. Sirius shivers at the feeling of their cocks sliding together, and clenches Remus between his thighs desperately. "Shh, just a second, love."

Finally, slick fingers press against his entrance and Remus slides in two fingers at once, drowning his moan with a kiss. Sirius arches his back and rocks against them, feeling desperate and needy. Remus growls lowly and spreads his fingers, holding Sirius by the waist with one arm.

"Remus," he breathes, "come on. Another."

He complies without objection and Sirius hisses at the slight burn. But then Remus sucks in one of his nipples, grazing it with his teeth, twisting his fingers just right, and Sirius' eyes roll back from the hot wave of pleasure running through him. He feels on edge already, his cock throbbing with every move of Remus' hand.

When Sirius is just about to complain, Remus reaches for the condom and rips open the foil with his teeth. Sirius helps him to roll it down his shaft, still rocking on his fingers lightly.

"Do you want to stay on top?" Remus asks, a little strained, forehead beaded with sweat.

Sirius just nods, not able to find his voice in time, and Remus slides his fingers out of him for the final time, before helping Sirius to position himself.

"Take your time," Remus advises in his usual manner.

Sirius steadies himself with one hand on his shoulder and reaches behind his back to guide Remus' cock. He barely feels the discomfort, watching intently how Remus squints his eyes shut and bites his lip, breathing fast and shallow.

"Fuck," Sirius moans and slowly sinks deeper until their hips are flush against each other. "That feels good."

Remus smiles a little and holds Sirius' waist while he adjusts to the feeling of being completely filled. He starts moving slowly, enjoying the hardness inside. Remus trembles underneath him, but stays still, giving Sirius the lead, the ability to choose the pace.

"I love you," he whispers hoarsely when Sirius rocks down on him again.

Sirius smiles widely and leans into a kiss. He runs his tongue over Remus' lower lip lightly, savouring his taste, and he opens his mouth with a sigh. It's slow and gentle, mirroring Sirius careful movements, and so tender that it makes Sirius want to cry a little.

Sirius shifts and moans into Remus' mouth when his cock grazes his prostate. He rolls his hips harder and trembles. He can feel Remus' lips widen in a smile and gasps when he thrusts up, sending a jolt of pleasure down his spine again. He lifts up higher, only the head of Remus' cock inside of him, and rocks down again more powerfully.

"Sirius," Remus whimpers desperately. "Love, I need you to move faster."

"No," Sirius says teasingly and rolls his hips again slowly. "This is my revenge for last time."

Remus chuckles breathlessly. "You didn't complain back then," he says smugly and snags his hips up sharply, making Sirius cry out.

Sirius does speed up then, arching his back, relying on Remus' strong arms around him, and loses himself in the feeling of being wanted, being loved. His movements become jerky, frenzied, his thighs start to tremble a little.

Remus groans and sucks at the tender skin on his lower neck, grinding up forcefully. Sirius can feel his cock harden even more inside of him and it sends a thrill through his stomach.

"Can you come like that?" Remus asks in a husky voice and digs his fingers into his hips.

Sirius bites his lip hard, hot excitement spreading in the pit of his stomach. "I don't know," he admits. "I've never…"

Remus grins against his neck and then lifts a hand to roll one of his nipples between his fingers. Sirius gasps and his whole body shakes. He feels on edge, pleasure spiking every time Remus brushes his prostate, higher and higher with every move. The thought of coming from his cock alone makes his toes curl.

"Sirius," Remus whispers uselessly, snatching his hips up again and again, meeting him halfway. "Sirius…"

He places a hot palm on Sirius' lower back, helping him on the way down, and that gives Sirius the rest. He freezes, tossing his head back in a silent cry, feeling the orgasm coming, rippling through his whole body – from the soles of his feet to his head, and shudders heavily, spilling between their chests.

"Oh God," Remus groans lowly. "Fuck, fuck, fuck…"

With two more thrusts, he comes too, pulsing hot and heavy inside Sirius, pressing him closer with full force.

"Remus," Sirius asks with a grin after a minute of them breathing heavily, leaning against each other, "would you like to go on a date with me?"

Remus' shoulders shake with silent laughter. "Yes, love," he says, "let's go on a date."

"Good evening." The waitress smiles at them fleetingly and hands out the menus. "Our special today is grilled salmon with white wine sauce and seasonal vegetables. Call me if you need anything."

Sirius grins and nods. "Thank you."

"It's cosy," Remus says when she leaves their table. "I like it."

The restaurant is indeed very cosy, hidden away in an easy-to-miss basement with just one small neon sign above that says 'Pasta'. Sirius discovered it when he was still at school and returns to it regularly. It has the best porcini risotto he's ever had, and the wine selection is small but good. Ironically, the pasta here is average at best. The inside is tiny, with just four tables and a small bar with stools, and only one other couple is sitting at the far back. The walls are decorated with many tiny, framed photos and postcards of Italian landscapes, completely mismatched.

"I love this place," Sirius admits. "It feels like a secret club. Very intimate."

Remus smiles and hides away behind the menu. "Any recommendations?"

Sirius shrugs, ignoring the menu, and folds his arms on the table. "The specials are always good, but I'm partial to the risotto. The pizzas are also amazing."

Remus nods and places the menu down, then gives him a narrowed-eyed look. "I need to know your opinion on pineapple pizza," he drawls.

"I think it works well," Sirius says and laughs at Remus' disgusted look. "What? Is that so important to you?"

"I can't believe I agreed to be with you without knowing this crucial information," he says and smiles.

"Having doubts already? It's been, what, three hours?" Sirius grins and holds up his hand. "Team pineapple on pizza."

Remus snorts. "You have horrible taste."

"Well, I like you, so…" He cackles when Remus kicks him under the table and gives the waitress an apologetic look when she comes back to take their order. He takes the risotto and a glass of white wine, while Remus settles on today's special.

"What do people talk about on first dates anyway?" Sirius asks when she leaves again. "I'm a little out of practice."

"This hardly counts as a typical first date, don't you think?" Remus says lightly. "I think we covered these bases already."

Sirius purses his lips and drums his fingers on the table in thought. Maybe Remus is right about that, their situation is perhaps a little unusual. He wouldn't change anything though. He remembers Remus' words about him needing the opportunity to date and rolls his eyes inwardly. What was he even thinking? Why would Sirius want to go on random dates with strangers, having to talk stiffly about the weather, their boring job, what kind of hobbies they have and when their birthday is?

"I just figured out that I don't know when your birthday is," he admits. "I feel like I should know that."

Remus gives him an amused look and raises his eyebrows. "I'm glad you asked," he says nonchalantly. "It's tomorrow, actually."

Sirius' mouth falls open. "What?" he asks, shocked. "Tomorrow? And you didn't think to tell me?"

"I'm telling you now," Remus says with a shrug. "And you would've gathered it either way. Noah will come around for dinner."

Sirius groans and buries his face in his hands, thinking frantically. "I don't even have a present! Everything is closed now! Oh God, I'm already the worst partner."

Remus sighs. "That's exactly why I didn't say anything. I don't want any presents."

"Everyone says that," Sirius remarks and points an accusing finger at him. "But then they are disappointed when no one gets them anything."

"I already have everything I could possibly want," Remus says with a smile.

Sirius blushes. How does he keep saying things like that so easily? There are no mind games, no insinuations, no hesitations. He's just like 'yep, I love you, you're the best' like it's not a big deal.

"You know what," Sirius says to distract himself from these thoughts that make his heart squeeze, "I won't tell you about my birthday either. Let's see how you feel about that."

Remus laughs and his eyes crinkle warmly at the corners. "I already know when your birthday is, love."

"How?" Sirius asks incredulously. "I didn't tell anyone."

"Sirius," Remus says, giving him a look that is a mix of amusement and exasperation, "I am your supervisor. I read your application and CV."

Huh, that's new information for Sirius. He just assumed that Remus had no hand in the choice of who his next intern will be. Did he actually pick Sirius and not Lily? Did she lie to him that one time?

"I didn't know you've read it. Why weren't you at my interview then?"

Remus rolls his eyes and shakes his head. "Lily usually sends me a couple applications before inviting anyone. And I am free to join the interviews, but I don't have time for things like that," he says with some annoyance. "It's not my job to hire people, my job is in the lab."

It's such a Remus answer that Sirius has to smile. Trust him to remove himself completely from the recruitment process for his team and then be pissed when the interns don't match his expectations.

"But you've read my application?" Sirius asks curiously.

"I may or may not have taken a peek after you started," Remus admits and seems a little embarrassed by that.

This small detail makes Sirius' stomach flutter and his cheeks flush. It still feels unreal that Remus was apparently attracted to him from the beginning. That he is attracted to him at all, for that matter.

The food arrives just in time to stop Sirius from spiralling again and the waitress lights a candle on the table between them. It feels like a proper date night, something Sirius didn't have for a very long time. Remus is all bright eyes and careful smiles, and their ankles touch under the table the whole time. Sirius thinks that he would give anything to be able to bottle up this moment, preserve it forever – the way Remus' curls look almost red in the dim light, the smell of delicious food, the sound of his voice, the giddy feeling of happiness and excitement in Sirius' chest.

"I'm nervous to meet your sister," Sirius says when they sit down in Remus' car after the dinner is over. "What is she like? Does she know about me?"

Remus buckles his seatbelt and hums. "I don't even know… What is she like?" he murmurs. "She's very kind, but a little too excitable at times. We weren't that close as children, but it got better when we both grew up and moved out."

Sirius eyes him curiously as he waits for a bus to pass before starting to drive. It's dark outside now and starting to drizzle, making the lights around them look like they are in an arthouse movie.

"I did tell her about you, but without any details," Remus says. "Just that we work together, and you were going through a nasty breakup."

"Did you tell her how you think I look like a walking shampoo commercial?" Sirius teases and runs a hand through his hair for show.

Remus clears his throat and his lips twitch. "I might have mentioned something along those lines."

"You mean you confessed your undying love for me to her?" Sirius quips and grins, feeling all warm and fuzzy. "Did you tell everyone but me? When were you thinking to finally let me in on that revelation anyway?"

Remus frowns and shrugs. "Ideally, never," he says in a clipped tone. Then sighs, defeated. "I guess that didn't work out that well."

"I'm glad it didn't," Sirius says honestly. "You are way too good at pretending, you know?"

He looks at Sirius sceptically, when they stop at a red light. "I think I was rather obvious. Perhaps you are just too oblivious."

Sirius watches a raindrop make its way down his window and leans his burning forehead against the cool glass, closing his eyes. "I still can't believe you would even look at me twice," he admits quietly.

There is some loaded silence and Sirius feel like his heart might drop through his ribcage. When he looks over to Remus, he's gripping the steering wheel with white knuckles and there is a deep frown on his face.

"Sometimes I wonder whether you really believe the things you say about yourself," he says finally, staring straight ahead.

"I'm kidding," Sirius lies instantly. "I'm a total catch, obviously."

"You are," Remus says simply.

Sirius sighs and closes his eyes again, trying not to think about it too much. Now, who's the one being oblivious?

When Sirius wakes up the next morning, it's from hot kisses being pressed against his neck and a hand on his morning wood.

"Mhh…" He smiles and reaches behind himself to pull Remus' head closer. "Good morning to you too."

Remus chuckles and presses his own erection against Sirius' ass. "Dreamed of something nice, hm?"

Sirius gasps when Remus gives him a couple long, heavy strokes, feeling his toes curl up. "Maybe," he says evasively and grins. "What got you so hot and bothered?"

"That you even have to ask," Remus whispers hotly in his ear, making Sirius shiver all over.

"I know birthday sex when I feel it," Sirius teases and rocks against Remus' cock.

"Oh, if we must," Remus jokes and detaches himself for a moment to rummage in his nightstand.

There is some shuffling and a tell-tale sound of a condom being opened. Sirius grins through a yawn and tries to roll over, but Remus puts a hand around him again to place him back on his side.

"Stay like that, yeah?" he says and there are fingers between Sirius' cheeks, and a hand on his cock again, and lips on his neck. "I'll take care of you."

Sirius moans desperately, partly from his words, partly from the way Remus starts working him open, pumping his cock at the same time. It doesn't take long for Sirius to feel completely on edge, Remus' smart hands turning him into an incoherent puddle of want. He sighs, relaxing willingly when he feels the fingers being replaced with something bigger.

Remus puts his arm underneath Sirius' pillow and glides into him in one long, fluent thrust. Sirius moans and holds Remus' wrist on his cock.

"Remus, stop, I'm too close. If you keep…"

"Shh," he shakes Sirius hand off and continues stroking him in time with the movement of his hips. "Let go, love. It's alright."

Sirius really tries to hold off, but Remus is undoing him mercilessly in a steady rhythm and he tenses up, hearing Remus moan distantly, and comes all over his hand.

He basks in the afterglow, trembling a little under Remus' lips on his neck whispering gentle words he can't quite grasp fully. He holds him close with a flat hand on his lower stomach and small waves of pleasure still wash over him every time Remus grazes his prostate. Sirius hums, enjoying the feeling of being held and cared for.

With growing fascination, he feels his cock stir again and after just a couple of minutes he's already half-hard and keening with never quite receded desire. It's mindboggling what Remus manages to do to his body, playing him expertly like he's some kind of instrument.

"Can you come again for me?" Remus asks breathlessly, and his hand is back on Sirius' cock, slick with his own come.

"Yes," Sirius mutters, surprised with himself and jerks his hips into Remus' fist. "Fuck, I can't believe this…"

Remus whines, the sound muffled when he bites down on Sirius' shoulder, and his movements grow faster, more desperate. Sirius feels he's on edge himself, rock-hard inside of him. Sirius grabs his hip, urging him on, and Remus' hand tightens around his cock, working him in quick, deep strokes until he comes again with a cry.

"Fuck, yes," Remus growls and comes as well with one last thrust, buckling with the force of his orgasm.

"Happy birthday," Sirius breathes and laughs giddily. "Wow, that was…"

"Amazing," Remus supplies and kisses his nape affectionately. "Thank you."

Sirius doesn't know if he's talking about the sex or the birthday wishes, but smiles, nonetheless. What a start to the day, he muses, and sighs a little when Remus slides out of him.

"So, what's the plan?"

Remus slaps his butt playfully and laughs. "Shower," he orders. "Then coffee. Then we'll see."

How typical of Remus to postpone any brain activity until after he's had his fix of caffeine. Sirius gets up a little shakily and stretches, his spine popping with a satisfying noise.

"Together?" he asks and grins at Remus' eyes roaming his body. "Or alone?"

"I can't promise I'll be able to keep my hands off you," Remus warns him with an exciting undertone.

"That's a risk I'm willing to take," Sirius says with a grave nod.

They do shower together, taking way longer than if they did it on their own – kissing and laughing, slipping and pressing each other against the cold tiles. It's the best morning Sirius had in years, and he feels so happy that he's afraid he'll just take off like a helium balloon. A small voice inside his head pipes up, telling him that it can't possibly stay like that for long – something bad will definitely happen. Sirius tries really hard not to dwell on it.

Remus makes coffee for them, looking relaxed and content, while Sirius tries not to burn their toast and feed Basil at the same time. He thinks about all the cold, lonely mornings he had before – at home with his parents first, and after that with Fabian. But then Remus kisses his temple and presses a cup in his hand, and Sirius stops thinking about the past.

"So, tell me, what is it like to be an old man?" Sirius asks with a grin and sips his coffee.

Remus shrugs nonchalantly, but the corners of his mouth are twitching. "My knees hurt, my back hurts, I don't think I'll ever feel well-rested and in no universe would I ever run after a bus again," he says. "But you couldn't pay me enough to be twenty-two again."

Sirius snorts. "Keep telling yourself that."

Remus gives him an exasperated look and shakes his head. "Alright. So, I have to do some work now, unfortunately."

"On your birthday?" Sirius pouts. "It's Sunday."

"I have to hand in the first draft of my dissertation next week and I'm nowhere near finished," he says and grimaces. "My professor will skin me."

"Oh." Sirius frowns and feels immensely guilty. Remus is never late with anything, always perfectly organised. "Did I distract you from your work? I'm sorry… All this mess I put you through…"

"It's fine," Remus assures him and smiles. "It's not your fault. I should have done it anyway, but I much rather spent time with you, so it's on me."

Sirius nods, still feeling a little sorry. He knew he was a bother to Remus anyway and this just shows that he really has to figure his shit out.

"Will you be alright on your own?" Remus asks kindly.

"Sure," Sirius sighs. "I'll use the time to start looking for a flat."

Some part of him really wants Remus to say that he doesn't have to. That he's welcomed to move in with him for good. It's stupid and unfair, of course, but he's still a little afraid of suddenly being on his own again. Not that he would ever admit that – he's made a fool of himself enough already.

Remus looks at him sceptically. "Do you think your inheritance will cover everything until you start the job with Peter?" he asks. "Rent, deposit, furniture and appliances. It can get pretty hefty. You don't have to rush anything if it's going to be tight."

Right, Sirius didn't tell him how much money he inherited… It's a little cute how Remus jumps straight into his lecturer's voice though.

"Well," Sirius begins a little uncomfortably, "it's actually a pretty big inheritance. Less of a 'nice to have for a bad day' and more of an 'I could buy a flat instead of renting right now' amount."

Remus looks a little shocked at that and then smiles warmly. "That's great! I mean, it's horrible that your uncle died, of course…" He grimaces a little and gives Sirius an apologetic look. "Does it feel weird?"

"You have no idea," Sirius says and laughs humourlessly. "I don't even understand it yet, to be honest. It came out of the blue for me, I didn't expect to see any family money at all. And now I'm more than comfortable for… well, the foreseeable future."

Remus nods and then there is a shadow on his face. "Does that mean you won't take the job?" he asks and sighs. "I guess it would make sense for you to use all of your time to study instead of working…"

"Of course, I'll still take the job," Sirius says gently and takes his hand, entwining their fingers. "I love the lab, and it's great work experience. And I have no intention of blowing the inheritance if I can work to support myself."

They sit in silence for a while, Remus looking pensively at their clasped hands. He does seem a little more relaxed now.

"I would have missed working without you," he admits suddenly.

Sirius feels warmth spreading in his chest and squeezes his hand slightly. He doesn't want to say it out loud, but he would have missed seeing Remus every day as well. Sure, they would still meet (or so he hopes), but it wouldn't be the same. He loves watching Remus work.

"I won't actually be working with you though," Sirius remarks reluctantly. "I'll work in Peter's group."

Remus presses his lips together and hums, his eyes shining brightly. "If I'll say you work with me, then you will," he says and there is a dangerous undertone in his voice that would have sent Peter into a frenzy if he was here to witness it.

Sirius just laughs. "I think you might take yourself too seriously here. It's not your call."

Remus grins and drains his coffee. "Peter is very welcome to voice his protests to me personally."

"Be nice," Sirius sighs. "He'll piss his pants before he says anything against you. Besides, what if I want to work with him?"

"Traitor," Remus says, holding a hand to his heart for show. "I don't know how to get over this betrayal."

"You'll get a shiny new intern," Sirius muses. "They will be perfectly competent and nice, and you will hate their guts. And then you'll come crawling to me, begging me to come back."

Remus groans and pinches the bridge of his nose. "Can we skip the new intern part and I'll just drop to my knees right now?"

"You can get on your knees alright," Sirius says with a smirk.

Remus narrows his eyes at him, and there is this intense look on his face again which sends a jolt of excitement through Sirius' spine. Then Remus breaks the eye contact and shakes his head. "Stop that, I really have to get some work done before everyone arrives."

"Everyone?" Sirius raises his eyebrows. "I thought it was just Noah?"

"She will come around six for dinner and then after that, I invited some friends over," Remus explains and grins. "I'm sure it'll be fun for you."

Sirius perks up at that and cocks his head. A party? Remus I Am The Biggest Introvert I Know Lupin is throwing a birthday party? That's an interesting development. "Sounds good. Who's coming?"

"Some people I know from uni, James, Peter, Adel, maybe Kingsley if he can make it," Remus begins listing. Then adds, "Lily will come as well."

"Really?" Sirius eyes him curiously. "Lily? I didn't know you were close."

Remus smiles mysteriously. "Let's just say we have found common ground lately. You like her, don't you?"

"Well, yes," Sirius says, confused. "She's brilliant. But that's your birthday, not mine…"

Remus shrugs and gets up, looking like he's already switching into work mode. "I'm happy as long as you are comfortable," he says simply.

Sirius stares at the empty spot he was in for a long time after Remus leaves, still unable to comprehend how someone like Remus could even exist in the same world as him.