A/N: Hello! This is a quick one-shot about a long overdo convo Donna and Harvey have post canon. Angsty but with a happy ending. I know the conflict starts off out of nowhere, but i feel like that's how it would've happened because its been building for years. Hope you enjoy, comments and critiques are always welcome :)
Donna and Harvey fight. They fought before they got together and they sure as hell still fight now that they're together. They've known each other for over a decade and a half, they know each other's desires and wants and needs and they can read each other's moods through a raise of a brow, an octave difference in their tones. With that comes knowing each other's ticks and anxieties and when tensions are high and everything feels explosive they know how to cut one another deeply. Every once in a while, when they're having an amazing night in, just basking in one another's presence up close and personal in a way they'd never been able to before the fateful night they got together, Donna would whisper quietly "this is nice" and Harvey would agree, and he'd become overwhelmed with how profound this moment between them was compared to their vast heavy and complicated history- so he'd tend to turn a little deprecating and he'd voice his thoughts of regrets, that he'd hoped they've done this sooner and Donna's had an automatic response to Harvey's moods when he got like this, she always reminded him how she doesn't regret their history, that they both needed to go through their separate paths to get to here, ready and perfect for one another.
But on this night, Donna was slightly sleepy and in a teasing mood with half her brain cells working, so when he voiced his regret, the words came out of her offhandedly "If only you'd wised up sooner." and it's not the first time she'd teased him about that and he usually agreed or tensed up with regret that she'd immediately soothe away- but this time, this time Harvey answers back "Well if you weren't so closed off to the idea of us early on maybe I would've made a move sooner."
And Donna snorted, waiting for some signal from him that he was joking, a squeeze of her waist, a chuckle of his own, or even a knowing glint in his eyes, but when she opened her eyes to glance at him he was dead serious, his face slightly solemn.
"Are you joking?" Harvey frowned at that, "No I'm not."
"What do you mean if I was open to the idea of us?"
"I mean if you had given me a signal you actually wanted this I would've done something sooner."
"No you wouldn't have. I think we both know you would've been too scared to do anything about it anyways." And Donna squeezed his hand as she told him this, wanting him to not be offended.
"I wasn't the one who had a steadfast rule since day one about us."
Donna felt her blood boil at the pathetic simplistic excuse as to why they didn't take the plunge earlier.
"My rule stopped mattering somewhere around year 7 of our complicated relationship, Harvey."
"Donna. I know you think I'd have run away from us because I wasn't ready. And you're right, I was scared I'd screw us up. But there were many times when I thought about risking it all and you just-"
"Just what?" Donna snapped, shocked at his words, her entire body turning to face him as raised her entire body to rest against the headboard, no longer in a sleepy state.
"You'd run away from it!" Harvey yelled, surprised at the sudden surge of irritation he didn't realize he was holding onto. He let his hand rub his forehead in frustration, before gliding it through his short hair strands and letting his hand fall limp near Donna's.
Donna blinked in surprise at Harvey. She knew she held some of the burden for writing them off early on, but she honestly couldn't recall any moments from their recent history where she had closed the door on them. She had drowned out that truth because it felt like year after year with the Paula fiasco, and the kiss, and his near disbarment because of her emotional turmoil, and all the knowing looks when she would compare him to a brother and his accusations of "You once told me" - she felt like she was reduced to the lovesick puppy in Harvey Specter's life. Realistically speaking, Donna knew she wasn't that and that Harvey never once belittled her to such a side character that was beneath him. But sometimes, sometimes Donna secretly thought Harvey always knew she was in love with him before Donna was even wise to her own feelings towards him. Because everyone and their mother accused her of that, because even now, after the fact, with them being together it was him wishing he'd wised up sooner to his feelings, like he was the one who could've called the shots of them being together, and Harvey always seemed to have the upper hand in their dynamic whether it was because of his position as her boss, or because he knew she could never really cut him out of her being.
After a minute of heavy silence, Harvey spoke up once again.
"You asked for more, and it felt like you meant us, but then you said you didn't know. You told me to fight for what was in my heart and when I asked if you meant you, you pushed me towards Scottie. I'd push you into these corners that would force us to acknowledge The Other Time, and you always laughed it off. Donna, you always act like I'm the one that's closed off and not forthcoming, but you could host a masterclass for how to hide your mental state of mind."
Donna was ready to interrupt him with a string of examples of when it was more than obvious that she was in love with him, with a list of times he'd run away from even the idea of them, when Harvey spoke up yet again.
"You said you don't date men you work with, and that you wanted us to put it out of our minds, but then you went ahead and dated Huntely, then Kessler, and don't think I didn't know about Robert the associate from our first year at Pearson Hardman. The time we went out to Del Posto, when you were working for Louis? I was testing the waters to see how it could be if we gave us a chance, and you mention you're dating Michael-"
"Mitchell." Donna corrected automatically, a slight annoyance to her voice, at which Harvey looked back at exasperatedly. Donna mumbled an apology realizing she was being difficult.
"Whatever. The point is, it was like playing tug of war with you. We both pushed and pulled and frayed our relationship till it came apart at the seams and we finally ended up together."
Donna felt moisture build up behind her eyes and she closed them tightly, cursing herself for getting so emotional. She held back a sniffle before opening up her mouth again.
"But you have to admit you were much more difficult. You told me you loved me and left. You talk about wanting to date me back when I worked for Louis, but we both know you had just schtuped his sister! I asked for my more, and you immediately went ahead and dated your therapist. How was I supposed to know you wanted to be with me when all you did was prove you weren't ready."
"I'm not saying I didn't run away. And I know I handled everything terribly, but you're you. You always said you knew everything about me, you'd finish my sentences and cut me off with your 'I knows', and I had to believe that that meant you know. You knew I was in love with you but you didn't want to do anything about it."
Donna had to almost hold back a sob at the bleak reality of how they kept going in circles, so close to being on the same page, yet out of sync in their ways. They both thought the other knew how they felt, and they both thought they were rejecting one another.
"Harvey," Donna drew in a shaky breath as the penny finally dropped in her head, "Are you saying you've been in love with me all this time?"
Harvey looked at her bewildered. "How can you not have known that already?"
"I thought you just realized this like a month ago!" Her voice had a tinge of hysteria to it.
He looked at her like she had officially lost it. Like he couldn't believe her.
"Donna, I've been in love with you since the moment we started our partnership. Sure it was enarmount at first, but it grew from a crush to full blown love fast. And I pushed it deep down, and operated with those strong feelings being my baseline so I… I was just able to… ignore it."
Donna shook her head softly at the realization, tears running down her cheek unabashedly. She supposed she had known he loved her and that she was special or different to him over the years, but still. It was hard for her to wrap her head around the fact that Harvey Specter was and had been in love with her from the beginning. It both cemented and completely changed her perspective on their long and complicated past.
Harvey quickly clasped her cheeks into his hands, his thumbs slowly wiping away her tears soothingly, trying to be an anchor to her inner turmoil now. "Hey, I didn't mean to make you cry." His voice was filled with anguish and worry. "But I get it, it's a lot to take in." He murmured the words softly, looking into her eyes deeply conveying all the love he had held and continued to have for her.
Donna nodded, trying to swallow a hiccup of hysteria as she acknowledged how thankful she was that they were finally on track.
"I want you to know that I don't want either of us stuck in the past, I've meant it every time I said we had to go through it all to be here. But it just hurts to know that we've hurt each other so stupidly."
Harvey's eyes grew softer as he took in Donna's words, shrugging his entire body slightly as his hands continued to caress her still wet cheeks. "I dunno, I like to think we loved each other so much that we were protecting one another from the hurt we could have caused each other if we jumped into this the wrong way. We're where we're supposed to be now, remember?"
Donna sent him a tight lipped smile as she took in his calm exterior. "Since when did you become the philosopher?"
"I've had 15 years of practice listening to your wisdom." He replied cheekily, happy to see her calm again.
Donna let her arms stray to his face bringing him back down to her for a long kiss. "Thank you." She murmured against his lips. "For having faith in us too."
Harvey swallowed the lump of emotion in his throat as he took in her words. "Always." Donna and Harvey both felt a sense of relief wash over them as they realized they just unloaded feelings of hurt and anxiety they had held onto for too long. Donna with her insecurity of how Harvey used to see her, her own identity lost and tarnished when it came to her love for him, to Harvey's unease at how Donna used to run away from the idea of them just like she did in his nightmares. They had finally had a difficult conversation about their less than perfect past, and it had paid off tenfold.
