"What is that?" Sirius asks when they're rushing to get ready in the morning and the other showers are already full of loud, pounding water and teenage boys running around.

"What?" James asks and looks down at where Sirius is staring. "Oh shit."

"What is oh shit?" Remus complains. The shower beside them turns off and Remus knocks at the door to their stall. "Open this door right now."

"I'm naked," Sirius protests like James isn't right here.

"Open the door or I'm ripping it off and beating you with it."

James opens the door, a hand over the mark. "I actually just saw Sirius' massive cock and I was like; oh shit, stick that in me, bro. No homo."

"All the homo I can fit in your tight little ass," Sirius corrects.

"Amen!" calls another boy brushing his teeth outside who Sirius has been known to shag occasionally.

"Who's Ahmed?" James whispers to Remus.

Remus shoves James further into the stall and locks the door behind him. "Drop your hand."

Sirius just casually starts lathering his hair again like James isn't sending him 'help me' eyes. Remus grabs for James' wrist and James skitters back behind Sirius, all three very naked boys slipping around in soapy water, trying -with different levels of success- to not accidentally grab a passing dick.

"I don't consent!" James shrieks, folding over Remus' arm and still trying to hide.

"I don't need your consent, I own you," Remus growls and that's definitely Moony coming out.

"Do I need to get a professor?" calls another boy a shower over.

"Sure, bring one in," Sirius hums, tilting his head back to wash off the shampoo. "I love an older woman."

"Why is there another mark now?" Remus hisses.

"Sometimes I whip him," Sirius deadpans, adding shampoo to James' head.

"He makes me call him daddy," James explains sadly.

Remus smiles but he's trying really hard not to.

"I don't need to hear this today," grumbles the shower boy.

"No, keep going," says the boy brushing his teeth, though slightly more garbled.

"Hey, Remi," Sirius says -because he never backs down from a dare- and tilts his head towards the small, eye-height mirror on the shower wall. "Look into the mirror, I want you to see your face when I make you cum."

And James is laughing so hard he can't fend off Remus anymore so the werewolf goes poking around to see if the line inside the triangle is new enough to still bleed.

"I'm serious, when did this happen?" Remus demands.

"No, he's Sirius."

"No, I'm – damn it," Sirius mutters, a step too slow.

"I have no idea though," James admits, being slid over toward the water to wash his hair out. "I only noticed when Sirius pointed it out so probably last night? Yesterday evening?"

Sirius shoves Remus under the water as well because the other had only just been starting to wash out shampoo when he stormed over. "When were we apart yesterday? For like half an hour at most running around?"

"We might have to do the thing early," Remus muses.

"The orgy?" Sirius says loudly, loud enough to be heard outside the bathroom. "Remus, did you mean we need to do the orgy early because you can't wait? Because you're so horny right now, Remus Lupin?!"

"Why am I friends with you?" Remus complains. "No, genuinely, why am I here? I had plenty to choose from – and somehow I got stuck with you."

"You're not exactly a ten yourself," Sirius retorts.

"I'm a ten," James chirps happily. "That's why, Remi. You're here for me."

Remus turns to James with a scowl and some scathing commentary prepared but falters at doe eyes and the smile James uses when he tries to get candy off old people.

Remus just grunts.

"Or maybe it's because you're so easy to play," James offers, the cute smile stretching out to a lazy, arrogant grin. "Come and wash me, because I'm the closest thing you'll get to perfection."

Remus storms out only to find his stall has been stolen and has to awkwardly storm back in because he doesn't want to be late to class.


Another moon has gone by and they've finally set up the ritual components. Remus is waiting around the border they've made around the Forbidden Forest clearing with layered wards.

James is feeling better recently, probably because Sirius started giving him massages when James complained about random parts of his body aching or swelling. Throwing up stopped too, and so everything would be great except this happened when the line appeared inside the triangle and so it might just be the next stage of whatever is happening.

They did the magic sight ritual again and Sirius reported that the drain is getting stronger so they really need to figure out if overloading it would actually work. This is probably the last chance they'll have in a while too, since the next week is tests and then summer holiday.

James and Sirius wander around the magically flattened clearing placing the little black containers at certain points in the sketched out hexagonal ward.

James finishes with his batch and stretches, hands pressing on his aching lower back as he sways. "Ugh, one more here too."

"I'm out," Sirius says, holding up his empty satchel.

James flips his own bag inside out and then looks around. "Oh don't tell me we dropped one."

"I told you we should have made extra," Remus tsks.

James spins around. "Can one of you step in?"

"This is set to drain the containers completely and to redo the runes now would take more time than we have," Remus explains.

"Want me to grab a unicorn?" Sirius suggests, already half turning away towards the forest.

"Wow," James deadpans. "You know, starlight, sometimes I almost think you're a good person and then you say shit like that."

"Too many unicorns can be a hazard to the ecosystem," Sirius says and spreads his arms. "I don't make the rules, sunshine."

"Why don't we just grab a muggleborn?" James says sarcastically.

"I'm behind on my mudblood kill count this month," Sirius laughs and wiggles his eyebrows at Remus. "Two for one if I get a creature mudblood."

Remus sighs. "If I just accio all the black boxes-"

"I will spear you through the chest with my antlers," James admits honestly because he just placed a hundred and twelve boxes while Sirius did the other half and he's not going through that again. "Can we make another box?"

"We're out of the potion," Sirius grumbles. "I know a container with a lot of magic though? Could we sub that in?"

"Leave the unicorns alone-"

"It's not a bloody unicorn," Sirius scoffs. "When we did magic sight, the Room of Requirement gets a bit…hectic. But I know there's a really powerful magic container in there, I could run and grab it."

James shrugs. "Yeah, sure. Might as well."

Padfoot darts off since Sirius is faster on four legs rather than two. James and Remus mess around a bit, throwing rocks, snapping off branches and having a sword fight. Remus cheats and James wins anyway because as a pureblood he decided to pick fencing instead of violin as one of his tutoring subjects when he was young.

Padfoot gets back with a tiara in his jaws and spits it out into the empty spot.

"Is that-" Remus begins. "You know what? Never mind. What I don't know, I won't need an alibi for."

"Sound logic to live by," James agrees and gives Padfoot a vigorous petting.

James strips down and gets painted on to match the hexagonal ward then lies down in the middle. "Wow, sure hope this won't kill me."

"Don't die then," Sirius states like it's that simple.

James waits until the two are far enough away and then pulses his magic through the runes.

And then he starts screaming.


"I need to tell mum," James sobs, bloody and still wearing the paint under his rumpled clothes, stomach swollen as he's carried in Remus' arms as they run back to the castle.

"Okay, okay, we'll tell your mum," Sirius says frantically. "This is fine, everything is fine."

"No, no don't tell her," James wheezes, clutching at Remus' shoulders. "Don't tell anyone, oh fuck, let it be a surprise when this fucking thing eats its way out of me."

"Nothing is going to happen to you," Remus rejects, firmly in denial.

"Make sure my funeral is happy," James pleads. "Tell all the blackmail stories you have of me – tell them all the illegal shit I've done, all the coolest shit. I want to see them try to take my -fucking ow- torn up corpse to Azkaban, it'll be funny."

"That's exactly how I want my funeral to be!" Sirius admits. "Go down swinging, you know what I mean? Glory and gore."

James laughs tiredly and then groans. "My stomach."

"It's okay, almost to the hospital wing," Remus reassures just as they're about to reach the outer courtyard.

"No!" James cries and kicks frantically. "No, no, actually no. Let's talk about this."

"Talk about what when you're fucking dying?!" Sirius snaps.

"I actually feel totally fine now," James admits. "I think the pain reducer kicked in, plus my stomach healed up from the tearing when you put dittany on it. I think it was just that first part that sucked, you know?"

Remus slowly jogs to a halt. "Really?"

"Yeah, no, I'm fine," James says casually. "Kinda think most of that was like mental from seeing my body changing because now that I'm thinking back, it hurt but not the most hurt I've been. Like not 'hit by a bludger then fall seven stories into another bludger' hurt."

Sirius grimaces. "That was a bad day."

Remus looks around. "What do we do then?"

"Bath?" Sirius suggests, gesturing to James' entire mess.

So they go to the prefect's bath because Merlin knows why the professors think Remus is the responsible one but he has a badge.

James paddles around the massive bath a little bit while Remus sort of hyperventilates in the corner. "You want a hug, Remi?"

"Just need a moment," Remus wheezes, hands braced against the wall and head hanging down. "Oh Moony did not like that. Wow, he's really having a hard time here."

"Padfoot's just crying," Sirius says casually, arms up on the edge of the bath and letting himself float a bit. "Just sobbing his little doggy heart out."

"Prongs is great if you were wondering." James rolls his eyes but swims over and takes a seat next to Sirius, petting his hair soothingly. Sirius reaches out and pokes James' stomach, which is actually not as bad as all the blood made it look.

He's definitely lost his abs now unfortunately but it's not horrific or anything, James could wave it off as getting fat. Yes, it…got big too quickly but no one is going to point at him and say 'ah, you have a demon inside you' because it's not that defined yet. He can just wear bulky clothes.

Sirius gets bolder when the stomach doesn't eat his finger and rests his hand over the bisected triangle. "Do you think-"

Sirius and James' eyes go wide.

"What?" Remus cries. "Do not fucking – I am about to lose it right now."

"It hit me," Sirius says in outrage. "What, does it not like me? Everyone likes me, I'm fucking fantastic."

"Hit you?" Remus moves over quickly and unlike the other two, just wades straight in with his clothes on to touch James' stomach. "What, like from inside? Jamie, did it hurt?"

"It's not comfortable, I'll tell you that," James scoffs. "We could-"

They all feel it this time.

Sirius pauses. "Can you – can you sit up here?" He pats the edge of the bath.

James pushes himself up and starts petting Sirius' hair again when the other leans in and presses his ear to James' stomach. "Is it cussing you out too?"

"What did you say about my mother?" Sirius snaps, ear on James' warm skin. "No, fuck your sister, asswipe!"

James laughs and Remus relaxes, starting to strip his clothes off and toss them into the giant pile of messy stuff they'll have to deal with later.

"All jokes aside," Sirius begins. "Um, so, good news and bad news."

"Good news first," James says because he likes to start out optimistic and slowly gets crushed.

"The good news is that your dick looks glorious from this angle," Sirius offers.

"Aww, thanks babe. If you say the bad news is that it's too small, I will knee you in the face."

"Padfoot can hear a heartbeat."

Remus breaks the surface of the water with a gasp, smoothing his hair back with his hands. "Sorry, what did you say?"

"He said my dick looked great," James replies easily.

Sirius purses his lips. "There's a-"

James slaps a hand over Sirius' face and shushes him. "Let Remus have a moment, he's earned it."

"Oh fuck," Remus sighs. "What is it now?"

"We should all get a goodnight's sleep," James says gently.

"No, just hit me with it so you can obliviate this entire day from my mind after it's all dealt with," Remus says reasonably. "I'm going to be honest with you, I think you just gave me a new boggart so this day is ruined regardless."

"There's a heartbeat," Sirius says. "Two of them actually, I'm assuming the two magical storage I saw before are -you know- living."

"I'm going to be a dad," James says with theatrical wonder in his voice. "Oh, they'll be beautiful as they crawl out of my still warm, bloodied corpse."

Remus pauses. "Are you pregnant?"

"Twins apparently," James scoffs. "Dad will be happy, he's wanted grandchildren for a while now."

"No, like actually," Remus says with a frown. "If you have enough magic you can do anything, even accidentally. And this takes a lot of magic, which we just saw considering it drained practically an entire school's worth of students without hitting a limit."

"Ah, but you see my dear Remus," Sirius begins with an eye roll as he sits up. "That would need Jamie to not be an absolute loser virgin."

"Better than getting an STD from being a manwhore," James mutters.

"It was not an STD-"

"When you described it, it sounded like-"

"Would you know?" Remus asks, voice rising louder over them. "Would you know if someone had…and then tried to cover it up?"

James melts. "Oh, Remi, it's okay-"

"But would you know?" Remus demands.

Sirius frowns. "We're with him every hour of the day. He sleeps in our beds more often than not – he smells like us. He has never once smelled like another person and even if they obliviated him, they wouldn't know how to trick a dog animagus and a werewolf – which we have kept completely secret if that has escaped your mind."

Remus jaw clenches, looking between the two of them.

"Come here," James says softly, slipping back into the water and pulling Remus over. "Hey, it's okay, we'll figure it out. You know, it's probably one of the random trial potions we made that I drank as a test. And – I get a cool tattoo out of it."

"And the tattoo," Sirius chimes in. "Dunno what the fuck that's about but that shit ain't normal even for a weird dude pregnancy."

"We should tell your parents," Remus murmurs, ducking to rest his chin on James' shoulder. "I think we're getting in over our heads."

"And tell them what?" James sighs. "We could make up some shit about -I don't know- me and Siri, but then how do we explain anything else?"

"My family would love for that to be real," Sirius laughs. "Both of us? Powerful enough to get kids out of the deal? Plus our apparently fucking ridiculously magically powered twins. They would throw the Lordship at me. What a Black move, marrying my cousin."

Remus looks between them. "Oh, right. You're cousins."

"Second or third cousin, once removed?" James muses. "Technically I'm a generation older since my parents had me so late, which is where the 'removed' comes from."

"Doesn't matter, we would get hitched immediately," Sirius scoffs.

James gasps. "Life forever with my bestie!"

"Please, let's think about this logically," Remus cuts in.

"Every part of this plan is brilliant," James says, stream rolling Remus. "And then I can take you as my mistress, Remus!"

Remus sighs.

"And then we can adopt all the werewolf babies! And-and with the Potter and Black Lordships combined we would rule wizarding Britain! No, like actually, we should do this."

"We should!" Sirius cries, getting into it. "We would have the majority seats in the wizengamot and our vaults combined are stronger than any political alliance currently held!"

"Remi can be Minister!" James cheers.

"Remi does not want to be Minister," Remus rejects firmly.

"We sort out our plan for world domination and then we have summer break to tell them," Sirius cheers.