Only a few days later, the sixth and seventh years have all gathered in the Great Hall at midnight the Saturday before exams start because while the sixth years don't have NEWTS, the professors are acting like they do and the workload is horrific.

The Marauders, because of course, sent around the message to meet up and they also shoved back all the long tables and benches to clear out some room. They want to do something before they get distracted taking over the world/before James dies horrifically from his pet demon.

Surprisingly they got a good turnout considering most people are still at the stage where studying constitutes cramming last minute the night before and this weekend is prime time. The combined amount of people is barely over fifty for both years and all houses anyway so it's not too ridiculous.

This isn't a normal party either, just something relaxing before they get too stressed out so they conjure up random cushions and bean bags to lay out in a giant loose circle. And, since there wasn't a plan, someone eventually suggests truth or dare like they always do.

James shares a look with Sirius because still playing truth or dare over the age of twelve is so lame.

Maybe normal people still get a kick out of it but the Marauders are so far past childish games for entertainment and no one comes up with interesting dares or questions anyway. They should probably reroute this before it gets too boring and ruins the night.

Someone drains their butterbeer and spins the bottle. James and Sirius weren't expecting anything but they're still disappointed when the bottle lands on someone and they get dared to kiss the hottest person in the room.

"I'm sorry, did we invite losers?" Sirius is leaning over and whispering to James.

"Can't help it when you invite everyone," James sighs dramatically. "Fuck, like I know I promised, but Snape is sitting right over there - hold me back before I upset Lily."

Remus shoves James into Sirius to get the latter's attention, as if Sirius doesn't damn well know the girl being dared right now isn't still side eyeing him like he'd be up for a snog if she um'd and ah'd enough.

She ends up jokingly pecking her friend on the cheek and quickly spinning the bottle again.

"This isn't so bad," Remus murmurs. "Let them have their fun."

A boy gets dared to do a handstand up against a wall for as long as he can, another boy is asked if he'd suck a dick for 10 gallons or get a gallon for every dick he sucked, then a girl gets dared to do the splits which she does with ease.

James and Sirius turn to stare pointedly at Remus, dead eyed and being sucked of energy just from how boring these people are.

"Kim!" calls the Ravenclaw girl who did the splits as her friends snicker around her. "Truth or dare?"

"Dare?" Kim tries, a seventh year Hufflepuff.

"Swap clothes with Potter," the Ravenclaw says with a smirk. "You want to know what it's like to be in a threesome, right? Now's your chance."

Sirius barely restrains an eye roll because the threesome joke has been played to death – oh wait, they're meant to be in a relationship now! Well done, Ravenclaw girl!

"Uh, sure." Kim forces a laugh and pats her frowning boyfriend's arm as she stands up.

Ugh, great, now James will feel bad if he stops it. James rolls up to his feet and bounces a bit. "Shall I just start stripping then?" He threateningly starts to pull up the hem of his jumper.

"No," Remus says quickly and conjures up a curtain over one corner of the hall, then cuts that in two with another curtain.

There's some deliberately loud fumbling as James tosses his clothes over the partition. He adds in a moan too. "Kim, where are you touching~? My boyfriends are right outside~!"

"I could be inside," Sirius offers.

There's some chuckling that gets even louder as James swaggers out in a cute knit sweater stretched over his bigger frame and a skirt that only stays up thanks to the demon bump giving his slim hips more width.

"Babe," James coos and walks right past Remus and Sirius to slide into Kim's boyfriend's lap, arms around Xu's shoulders. "Honey, I'm home!"

"Babe!" Xu cheers, hugging James. He's also a seventh year Hufflepuff like his girlfriend. "Wow, what broad shoulders you have."

"All the better to hug you with," James explains.

"What muscular thighs you have."

"All the better to ride you with."

Sirius grabs James' pillow and throws it across the circle. James slaps it out of the air.

Xu picks it up from the ground. "I caught it."

James laughs. "You're funny. How did I not know you're funny?"

"You've been my girlfriend for how long now and you don't know?" Xu tsks.

"How long have I been his girlfriend for?" James calls out.

"Seven months!" Kim trots over in James' clothes that look baggy on her but cute in an oversized way and takes a seat between Sirius and Remus, slinging her arms over their shoulders. "Ayy, lads, what pranks we got goin' on?"

"I don't – Potter doesn't talk like that," James protests.

"Excuse me, who's Potter right now?" Kim huffs.

The Ravenclaw from earlier leans forward. "So, how is it, Kim? Didn't you have a crush on Black before?"

"Hard to resist," James interrupts, flipping imaginary long hair over his shoulder. "But you know who's better? That stunning quidditch captain Potter." He turns to Xu. "Like I'm sorry, babe, but I'm not going to lie to you – he's a ten and you're like an eight on a good day."

"I fully agree," Xu admits. "Hey, once Potter's done with Lupin and Black, you think we could reel him in?"

"Try your best pick up line, we'll see if he's into it," James suggests.

"I can do a backflip," Xu tells Kim.

"Oof," Kim says and pulls her arms away from Remus and Sirius. "Sorry, lads, that's hard to say no to."

"Hey, hold on!" Sirius scoffs. "I can do a backflip too."

"Backflip battle!" James cheers.

"No, no, I actually can't do one," Xu says quickly.

The circle boos him because they wanted to see a backflip battle.

The Ravenclaw is frowning. "Hey, Potter. So is Black good in bed or what?"

"That's a difficult question, actually," Sirius takes over. "Because I haven't slept with James or Remus. In fact Remus-"

Sirius' jaw clenches because fuck, they're supposed to be proving he got James pregnant at some vague point in the past, but he got so caught up in the joke. Remus shrugs minutely because they can play it off, keep going.

"-Remus wants me and James to figure out the difficult stuff before he swans in for the fun part," Sirius continues. "With James - I started taking off my clothes and James took one look at me and ran out the door."

"Bullshit," declares a Gryffindor who has spent years witnessing the three Marauders running in an out of each other's showers and beds.

James waves off the burst of laughter from the others. They're going to play it like that, are they? "No, okay let me explain – Remus, sweet innocent baby, cover your ears." He looks at Xu. "My beloved boyfriend of seven months, how big is your dick?"

Xu blinks. "Well, my beloved girlfriend of seven months, how big is yours?"

James holds up a hand, fingers spread. "Thumb to pinkie."

"Same!" Xu cries. "Literally the exact same."

"Ayy!" James cheers and they shake hands vigorously. "Good man, good man!"

"Yo, actually," calls out a Slytherin sixth year, leaning over his girlfriend. "Same."

Xu grabs the Slytherin and drags him over while the girlfriend leans back so all three boys can give each other enthusiastic back slaps.

"Now you want to know how big Sirius' dick is?" James continues.

"Is that-!" Sirius screams, throwing out a hand like he's cutting the air. "Is that why you fucking ran away from me?!"

James holds up his hand and points to his wrist. "Top of the middle finger down to here."

"Get a new boyfriend," the Slytherin says immediately.

"Right!" James cries. "Hey, no – you're all laughing but I'm scared for my life. What am I supposed to do? Like yeah, Siri, shove it in, guess I'll just die!"

Sirius lurches back in outrage because this is beyond a joke now, he's genuinely offended. "There is not a single person on this fucking planet who doesn't like a big dick!"

"I'd like it if it was decorative!" James yells back. "But if you want to use it then we're going to have a problem here!"

Xu is crying laughing and on the other side of the circle is Kim who's just flopped back onto the ground wheezing, most of the other students not far off.

"I have slept with a lot of people and it has fit into every single one of them!" Sirius declares.

"Show of hands if you've shagged Sirius?" James calls out, looking around the circle. "You -okay, tell me honestly because my life is on the line- did it fit?"

The Hufflepuff tsks, sharp golden nails carding through her high ponytail. "I don't know what broom cupboard he was in, but from where I was it did not fit."

James rolls up onto his knees and throws his arms up, then down at Sirius like he's directing a dragon in for landing. "Look me in the fucking eyes and lie to me again you son of a bitch!"

"It's not even that big!" Sirius complains.

James holds up his hands again and points to his wrist. "Everyone, please, show of hands if you're bigger than this? No? Fucking no one, that's what I thought – Snape put your hand down, you think Lily is dumb enough to believe you? Look at her face, she knows you're lying."

The circle is cracking up as they look over to see Lily raising her eyebrow. Snape didn't actually put his hand up, James just wanted to ad lib.

Sirius shoves Remus and Remus rocks with the motion but says nothing.

"What was that?" James cries, pointing at them. "Why did you shove him? Remus – Remus don't you fucking look away like you're not a part of this conversation."

"He's even bigger than me," Sirius says like a snitch.

"I don't believe that!" cries the Slytherin seventh year. "Whip it out, someone conjure a measuring tape. I need evidence."

Remus puts his elbows on his knees and head in his hands.

"I'm breaking up with you both," James complains, falling back into Xu's lap. "I don't need this in my life. It's just added stress."

Sirius is laughing too hard to reply.

"I'm going to be the one fucking you two," James declares. "If you want to top me, I'm hitting your dicks with a reducio."

"It could be a spell!" Xu shouts and there's a loud cacophony of shocked cries from the others.

"Fuck you!" Sirius scoffs. "Let's go behind the curtain, you can do a finite incantatum."


"I can't believe we're doing this," Remus hisses as the three walk down the corridor of Potter Manor, fresh from Hogwarts.

"You're the one who wanted to tell them," James mutters back.

"Yes, but not a blatant lie," Remus argues.

Sirius leans around Remus to look at James. "Should I be the one to-"

"-only hearing about it now?!" Euphemia snaps.

Just purely on instinct, the three Marauders duck around, flattening their backs to the wall of the sitting room that Euphemia is in.

"There was a certain amount of research that needed to go into the prophecy to ensure it was valid," a voice neither of the three recognise says blandly.

"And now it's leaked! To the bloody Dark Lord! And I have no preparation to protect my son and his child!"

Sirius lets out a slow breath. "Fuck, we're in over our heads."

James steps around the doorway before Remus can grab him and stares at his mum, dad and about five Ministry employees. Two being Unspeakable and three as Aurors.

"What?" James asks.

"Oh, honey," Fleamont says softly, holding out a hand. "Come, James, we have something to tell you."

"Something about me having a kid?" James asks as he wanders over. "Did it…mention anything else?"

"It's all divination fuckery," Euphemia snaps.

"Clay and bone and old power," Fleamont sighs, putting an arm around James' shoulders and hugging him close. "It's the Potters."

"Something about a bloody deer too," Euphemia scoffs. "You fall for pretty words too much, Monty."

Wow, did a prophecy just out James' illegal animagus status? Dick move.

"Yeah, weird," James says. "So about the kid. Anything about the…mum?"

"Apparently you'll be the groom of death itself!" Euphemia cries. "What's next, Merlin is the godfather?"

"And the kids – kid? Singular? Was it only one?"

"Something about the same-soul birth of two, strongest magical power alive combined," Fleamont sighs because Euphemia is now so apoplectic she can't speak, just makes angry noises.

"Weird, yeah," James laughs. "Sounds like trash. Us Potter don't do that Seer rubbish anyway." He edges out from under his dad's arm. "Cool, so, keep me updated. Imma go find my besties…and play quidditch."

James turns and leaves at a not too fast pace because he doesn't want to cause more suspicion than he already has.

"My boy is barely seventeen!" Euphemism screeches. "You want him to be a father?!"

James steps around the corner and collapses into Remus and Sirius. "Oh fuck, we're fucked," he hisses.

"Ask about the Dark Lord," Remus whispers and shoves him back out.

James spins and catches himself on the doorframe with a hand. "Hey, uh." He tilts his head. "So you…mentioned the Dark Lord knowing? Like is it the one I'm thinking of…?"

"Apparently your so-called children-" Euphemia pauses to scoff again, the loudest scoff she's ever made. "Can either be the world's saviours or it's doom."

"Why does the Dark Lord care," Sirius hisses.

"Why does the Dark Lord care?" James says casually. "Why would the dude be…so interested if it didn't involve him?"

An unspeakable clears their throat. "The prophecy did mention a 'Dark Lord' but it was rather tangled within the lives of your children and seemed to mention several people – or several versions of people."

"And does he know it's me?" James asks slowly.

"It's not you, sweetie," Euphemia snaps. "This clusterfuck coming to our door by some hack Seer is putting you in trouble but I won't stand for it. We'll get this sorted out, no need to worry yourself."

"Okay," James laughs. "Yeah, I'll…be over here then, if you need me."

"Actually," an unspeakable begins. "If you would come with us to check on your health and for a short ritual to discern any heirs it would clear things up a lot faster."

"Like fuck he'll be going with you," Euphemia hisses.

"Why would you-" James awkwardly brings his hand up to his hair and then drops back down to hide the bump of his stomach. "Why would you test now? Surely it means somewhere in the future. I'm pretty young for kids."

"It mentioned the star calendar of this year."

"That's a fucking detailed prophecy!" Sirius blurts out. "It really gets in there, doesn't it? Leave no stone unturned! Balls deep! Was it a fucking essay on how to fuck us up the ass - mph!"

James purses his lips and slowly slides back around the doorframe to where Remus is smothering Sirius. "So, yeah, get back to me with updates and I will tell you if I…get pregnant at all. Which is unlikely to happen – just putting it out there."

James ducks around the corner and the three scramble at each other, fingers catching on clothes and sprint down the hallway back to James' room.


"I'm getting an abortion," James declares, sitting on his bed. "Actually, I can't go to St Mungo's. Remus, punch me in the stomach."

"No," Remus says, lying on the bed and contemplating nothing – because there is nothing in his brain.

"There goes our plan for world domination," Sirius mutters, sitting on the edge beside James. "Wow, I really can't get past how much that prophecy fucked us over."

James sighs heavily. "We tell no one. We find glamour spells to hide it when I start getting bigger. We tell people I had a vasectomy."

"At seventeen?" Remus muses.

"We tell people Sirius once punched me in the balls so hard they fell off."

"Is that what a vasectomy is?" Sirius asks in curiosity.

"I just assume," James offers.

"You're both absolute fucking idiots," Remus says fondly.


"-es, Jamie! James!"

James blinks, standing on a slight grassy hill, a nice cooling breeze. Still in his pyjamas, with shoes on though but no socks. Sirius is in just sleeping pants and sneakers while Remus is bloody.

"Remi!" James gasps. "Are you okay?"

"Fought off a fucking massive snake," Remus pants. "I'll be fine, none of this blood is mine."

"You're so sexy right now, Remus," James muses, looking around. He turns and sees a broken-down shack with lots of fish flopping weakly on the ground and spell damage. "Huh."

"Yeah, you did most of that," Sirius pants, hunching over with his hands on his thighs. "You were gone from bed and we caught up by tracking you with scent and -okay- maybe we shouldn't have just held your hand and walked with you. I'll admit, that was on me."

"Was not expecting for you to apparate us," Remus admits. "Straight into the fucking hut over there. Right in the bloody middle, James. But that's generally how you operate so, quite frankly, I don't know why I was surprised."

"I thought you were possessed," Sirius says. "I was going to follow to whoever possessed you and fucking end them but no, no you fought like James, you had my back like James."

"You transfigure everything into fish like James," Remus mutters.

"Okay, I have no memory of any of that," James admits. "Like at all, but I sounded bloody brilliant."

"It was you at your most focused," Sirius admits, straightening up. "Pinpoint accuracy, razor sharp. Absolutely ruthless. You were magnificent, sunshine."

"You're not so bad yourself, starlight," James chuckles.

"Why is there blood on your shirt?" Remus asks in concern. "It wasn't there half a minute ago."

"Bit hypocritical much?" James complains but looks down at his white top where the blood really stands out with the moon this bright. He lifts his shirt and finds a circle has been added. "Oh."

Sirius snaps his fingers. "You swallowed a ring! That's what I was forgetting. Right in front of us, just down the hatch."

James tilts his head in confusion. "Wait, what did I eat for the triangle and the line then?"

Remus narrows his eyes at it. "Is that Grindelwald's mark?"

"Oh shit," Sirius says. "Yeah, no, I remember that."

"What? No, doesn't it look like the death story in the fairy tale?" James argues. "The three brothers?"

Sirius hums. "It also looks like that."

"Time for more research," Remus sighs.

"You think I'll get a square next?" James wonders, pulling his shirt back down and falling into step with the other two as they walk off.


"We cannot hide this," Remus says, staring at James' stomach that just rapidly expanded overnight after the snake shack debacle.

"It didn't do this the first two times," James grumbles, sitting on the edge of his bed and transfiguring his shirt into bloody maternity wear so it fits over his stomach. Now it looks like there's a demon inside him.

"It might have, and the babies were just still too small for you to notice," Remus admits.

"We're calling them babies?" James grimaces. "Because I'm still liking the idea of you repeatedly punching me in the stomach until the problem goes away."

"Please stop asking me to do that," Remus sighs.

James pauses, hesitates. "So I'm like really keeping them?"

Sirius and Remus share a look.

"If you…" Sirius trails off. "If you don't want to, I can take care of it."

James wastes some time putting on his new top and then looks back up. "You'll stay with me, right? Not just ... like even when they grow up too? And then go on to – I don't know, burn the world down. You'll stay then?"

Sirius takes a deep breath. "Jamie, I don't know if you know this, but I would die without you two. There would just be no point in going on. You know what I mean? Like I would fucking off myself."

"I would probably keep going," Remus muses. "Until I die, sad and alone. Miserable. Moony would do me in for losing the rest of the pack."

James takes his glasses off and wipes away the beginning of tears, a grin on his face. "It really shouldn't but that makes me feel so much better. Okay, babies. Real babies. Oh fuck me dead, how do I get them out of me?"

Sirius starts laughing and looks like he's trying really hard to not say something.

"We haven't done any research on babies," Remus realises.

James and Sirius groan.

"Hey, I need you guys to promise me," James realises. "When it happens, you knock me the fuck out. Like immediately. None of that pushing rubbish, just stupefy me, cut them out. Done in ten minutes, I wake up fully healed, haven't broken a sweat. And do not let them give the babies to me when they're still covered in whatever, I want them clean."

Remus rolls his eyes. "Yes, I'll take care of the babies until they're not gross."

"I promise you, I will be the one to knock you out so you miss the horrific, disgusting and painful miracle of childbirth," Sirius promises, taking James' hand in his.

"I love you, starlight," James coos.

"I love you, sunshine," Sirius murmurs.

"Honey, have you seen-" Fleamont stops after swinging the door open halfway, staring at James' stomach.

"Dad!" James blurts out. "Oh, I just woke up like this, I'm so scared."

Sirius takes a deep breath and Remus looks away. Both of them are hiding smiles.


The Potters hide it all – everything, the fact that James is actually pregnant, and most especially the fact that it takes only three days for the babies to be fully grown after James completes what turns out to be the Deathly Hallows tattoo.

James spends most of those days chugging pain relievers and being dipped in dittany for the tearing and stretch marks because two babies is a lot more than one and even one sucks balls.

He also takes to cussing out Death for getting him pregnant and gets very creative - so creative there's a weird hazy figure that appears in the corner of the room once and James apologises very quickly and profusely.

Sirius, as per his promise, knocks James the fuck out as soon as James stumbles and clutches his stomach as they're going out to fly (James says he was going to teach the babies now so they know how fly already when they come out but Remus calls him a dumb deer).

There are medi-witches and wizards off in another wing of the manor who are old, mostly retired now, friends of Fleamont and Euphemia who rush over. Remus is the first one to hold the babies because James is still knocked out while they heal him and Sirius is too concerned with James.

The kids are adorable though. One looks exactly like James while the other is…from somewhere probably. To be honest, the one that looks like James is the strangest because did James and Death's DNA mix…?

They're oddly quiet and aware, even when they shouldn't be fully developed enough to be conscious of the world yet. Also if they lie on James' stomach, where he still has the Deathly Hallow symbol, they grow faster which is…fine?

Sirius ends up giving both the kids star names like the Blacks do because James and Remus were arguing too much and that ends up being a moot point anyway because the babies came with names already.

Everyone knows they were going to end up weird, this isn't surprising, plus James and Sirius know how to roll with the punches (and drag Remus along) so it turns out fine.

That one started talking two months in? Fantastic, Remus loves a nice chat which is especially cute because that one keeps lisping.

That one grew an entire year because he snuck into James' bed for the night? Great, Sirius loves clothes shopping.

That one is from the future? Sure, we can change up some things if you wanted, the Marauders know how to get shit done.

That one is…a Dark Lord? Okay. Yeah, no, at least you're not Death itself which was a big concern for a while there.

You want to destroy Voldemort's horcruxes? No problem kiddo, James loves a good adventure.

You want to kill Voldemort yourself? At technically eight months old? Well you can hold onto the wand but Sirius is going to have to cast it. We need to put our foot down somewhere.


"Tom," James gasps, grabbing his (sort of) adult son's shoulders as Tom is walking down the hallway of the Potter Summer Manor (yes they have a summer version). "I – okay, I need to have a talk with Death. Do you have, like, a floo address I could…?"

Tom raises an eyebrow down at his panicked not-father. Which, if he must be honest, is the greatest thing Tom could ever have because this man has everything Tom could want and is fully willing to hand it over. Connections, money, political power, pureblood culture, two boyfriends who can and will (and already have) murder people for the family if the need arises.

"I haven't really been in contact," Tom muses. "Why do you need Death?"

"I think it's gotten me pregnant again and I just want to talk," James grits out.

"Are you sure it wasn't one of my other fathers?" Tom asks.

James pauses, confused. "Is that...possible?"

"It might be easier for it to happen the second time," Tom offers.

James stumbles off and kicks open the kitchen door. "Sirius!" he roars. "I just want to talk!"

Harry walks over and comes to a stop beside Tom, peering into the kitchen. "What's happened?"

"Our father is with child."

"You still talk like you're old."

Tom sighs, long-suffering. "I have to remind myself when everyone in this household is a nineteen year old."

"I'm almost twenty," Harry protests.

"-do you even know?!" Sirius cries.

"I can't turn into Prongs anymore! And if they grow like our first children I will rip your balls off!" James screams.

"It could be Remi! Why are you only coming after me?!"

"He runs too fast!"

"So - if I lure him into an ambush…?"

"That would be appreciated."