At work, Lee kept his distance. Francine, to her credit, did as well. She could tell at first sight that Lee had told Amanda what had happened, and she was glad he had come clean. Billy Melrose sensed personal shenanigans had wreaked havoc among his agents… but he hadn't worked out the details. Nor did he care to do so. But their team meetings…once congenial and even pleasant… were now positively morose.
Amanda felt the only way she could even continue to work at the agency was on autopilot, and her movements felt robotic. But she was not going to quit a good job-one that she had fought so hard to acquire-because of Lee's rash mistake. Yet, she had difficulty looking anyone in the eye-she was sure Francine had spread the word of Lee's latest escapades through the steno pool. So, to survive, her life consisted of two parts—surviving the workday and escaping to the safety of her home. She had never been so glad to be submerged in the boys' school projects or in Dotty's latest gossip—anything to temporarily forget that she was simply… shattered.
To her shame, she would still look up if there was a noise in the backyard—the wind rustling the trees, the neighbor's dog in the yard…thinking -even hoping- that Lee had decided to drop by, despite her icy interactions with him, to make things right. The memory of his beautiful face in her window—beckoning her to join him outside… made her ache. But then memories of their last exchange in that very spot prompted a shudder of disgust. So again, back to domestic distractions-dishes, laundry, even fractions.
At work, Lee and Amanda's exchanges were confined to strictly business-related items. One day, after another week had passed, Amanda sensed Lee hovering near her desk as noon approached. Lee, steeling up his courage, asked, "Amanda…any chance we could catch lunch today? I miss my partner, and I'd like to hear the latest about Dotty and the boys. I don't even know how the Bombers' season is going or the latest on Dotty's dating adventures. Come on… we'll keep it casual…just catch up on things. I've got a T.P. story you have to hear to believe."
He glanced at her with such a vulnerable, boyish look —for a moment, all Amanda saw was her dear friend, hurting. Her instinct was to make it better—say the words that could begin to repair the rupture in their relationship. It felt so unnatural to not share the minutiae of everyday life with him. But then the memories of the past weeks came flooding back, and Amanda looked away from him and simply responded: "Too soon, Lee. Too soon."
Lee was crushed. Despite the time that had passed, a sullen look in her eyes returned whenever she looked at him. He had only seen her look this hurt on one other occasion- during the whole burnout charade—but that been due to pretense. This time, he could not blame an undercover persona for hurting her. This was all on him.
"Amanda… I know this probably doesn't help my case but remember I did stop things with her before…."
"Do you expect my thanks?" Amanda's withering glare was all Lee needed to know that, indeed…he had not helped his case. He continued to keep his distance.
A week later, Amanda approached his desk. As Lee sensed her movement toward him, he allowed himself to hope that she might want to initiate a thaw—but the hope soon vanished when he saw the pained expression in her eyes, greeting him once more.
"Lee, I wanted you to know that Mr. Melrose has offered to temporarily reassign me to work with Beaman. It's a good opportunity. Beaman is skilled in computer science, and computers are going to play a bigger role in the agency; I can learn a lot from him. I think it will be good… for our situation too. It is just so awkward… you and I need space-physical space."
Lee felt a nauseating pit in his stomach. Amanda was not only thwarting any efforts to rekindle what had been blossoming between them—but now she was determined to torpedo their professional bond as well. Yes, she had more to learn as an agent…but their partnership had evolved to a place where they could anticipate the other's movement and compensate for each other's shortcomings. He was so proud of how she had grown in confidence as a field agent. My God, had he destroyed that too?
Lee pleaded, "Oh Amanda please don't do that… I'll ask for an assignment out of the office—even out of town-you belong in the Q Bureau and you shouldn't be displaced because of my… mistake."
"No Lee, that isn't necessary," and she turned to walk away from him.
Lee grabbed her hand—and for just a moment—she didn't pull away. She actually let him hold her hand for a few seconds—and as he looked into those beautiful brown eyes, he saw a glimpse of his Amanda. But then… as he started to lightly stroke her hand with his thumb—the moment passed, and she quickly moved to begin packing.
As Lee watched her begin to box up her items, he felt that this was a much more permanent move than she was suggesting. She was packing up the remnants of their relationship in that box—and putting it away. For good.
"Amanda-what can I do to make this right?" He hated how pathetic he sounded—begging and pleading was not his usual M.O.—but he was desperate. "Each time I see you-my God it is killing me… Please give me a chance, in some way, to rectify my mistake. I really feel like the punishment doesn't fit the crime. I didn't even sleep with the woman!"
"Stop it, Lee. I don't want to hear another word about your… assignation."
"Amanda, I know you don't want to talk about that night, but how else can I express to you how meaningless—and fleeting- an encounter it was?"
"Lee, if I knew how to repair … " she struggled for the right word "…'us', I would tell you."
Tears began to fill her eyes. "But on the same night that you flirted with me and made me feel not only special…" she looked away as she said this, "but desired… you easily transferred those feelings to a stranger. I am at a loss for how to move past that. I don't know how to recover the trust we've lost. But I do know this," Amanda said resolutely, "There is nothing you can say. No words will lessen the pain I feel each time I see you."
Amanda the rambler was gone—replaced by a woman who chose each word with painstaking care. And it was killing him.
She continued packing.
Lee blurted out, "At least stay in the Q Bureau." He was improvising… but for some reason he knew it was crucial that she not relocate. This was their space. And she couldn't leave it. Frankly, he also didn't think he could bear facing her abandoned desk every day.
"You and Beaman can work up here, and I'll move downstairs to my old desk. At least let me give you that—I know it won't help much, but it is one thing I can offer."
She paused to consider and finally conceded. "All right Lee. That is kind of you. I think he would appreciate that gesture; this is one of the quietest places in the agency."
"Amanda… just so Beaman understands…this is temporary… all of it." Lee said this with a confidence he did not remotely feel.
And yet… if making a gesture such as offering the Q Bureau meant something to Amanda… and apparently it did… Lee began to feel the slightest inkling of hope.
Amanda sounded sure there was nothing he could say to fix things. So, he would show her instead.
To Be Continued…
