Beware this chapter has some darker elements of suicide, depression, mental illness, mention of addiction and other similar dark themes.
As she expected, sleep refused to come to her. Her body seemed to only shake, breathing seemed so hard. And yet it did not stop the soft sobs that she filled her pillow. By the time sunlight had started to fill her bedroom she had not slept at all. Her body seemed to ache, her head was pounding. She felt sick. Maybe it was a good thing she had skipped dinner the night before as she feared nothing would stay in her stomach now. It was all she could do to just reach for her phone to say she was sick and would not make it into her shift. Her bed is where she stayed for the day. Her grief had taken over for the entire day and next night as well.
By the next morning she was at least able to force herself from her bed to do more than make it to the bathroom. And even though hunger gripped at her stomach in pain it was easy to ignore. Dark circles sat under her eyes as she at least tried to make herself drink some water. Dehydration was only going to make her feel worse. She was pretty sure Midoriya had texted her the other day. But she honestly was not sure that her cell even made it to be plugged in as she dragged herself from her bed to her bathroom. Her mouth felt disgusting from not brushing her teeth the day before. But even that simple task felt so hard. Her body felt heavy but she knew going over twenty four hours of ignoring her basic hygiene health was not good mentally or physically. So first her teeth. Then she nearly crawled into her shower letting barely room temperature water wash over her as she nearly sat on the floor of her shower. She ran shampoo through her hair and forced herself to wash her body. At least the cold water acted as a slight encouragement. But still she spent more time than she would normally just to do the simplest of tasks.
Once dry and dressed she started to work her brush through her knotted hair. Once again another task that was incredibly slow going. The pressure in her head also did not appreciate the ripping at her scalp as she attempted to force her brush through the knots of her normally beautiful long dark hair. She could not be bothered with makeup, even though the circles under her eyes gave away her last two sleepless nights. But she could not find the energy any more to care. With her hair mat free she returned to her bedroom to grab what she hoped was clean clothes as she slowly got dressed for work before slipping her shoes on and stepping out of her home.
She had barely gotten a block away before dread and panic was gripping at her. She was weak. She was defenseless. He was no longer alive to keep her save. Those were the thoughts on repeat in her head as she struggled to keep herself breathing as she nearly ran to work.
Breathing unevenly she finally reached the restaurant. Though it did not offer as much of a safe feeling as she wished. But it was still able to help keep her panic from continuing to grow. She forced what she could only image was an incredibly sad looking smile as she stepped into the building and was greeted with a number of different looks from her boss and coworkers.
"You look like shit," was a soft whisper from a short woman who slid up beside her. Her own uniform in place as she tucked her notepad into the apron around her waist.
"I feel like it too," she admitted as she walked over to check what section of tables she would be waiting on. But before she could even make it behind the counter she felt a large heavy hand rest on her shoulder. She froze as she looked up at her tall manager. The look of almost pity in his eyes had her flinching back. He had seen her at some pretty low points. Like her being homeless when he gave her the job. If there was anyone who she could say may know her it would be him.
"Go home," he said simply, taking in the sight of her dark bags under her eyes, and the way her cheeks had looked almost swollen from crying so much. If anyone would see through her poor attempt at hiding her pain it would be him. She still opened her mouth wanting to argue with him but he did not let her get a complaint in.
"I'll find someone to cover you. Come in tomorrow," he said, giving her another day off. She sighed reluctantly but did not argue.
"Go home. Drink some water, eat something hearty. Try and feel better and we will see you tomorrow," he said calmly before his hand dropped from her shoulder.
"Okay. I will see everyone tomorrow," she said softly as she started to drag her feet back towards the door. She would be lying if she did not admit she was rather happy at the thought of returning to her home. She wanted to curl back up in her bed. And that was exactly what she originally planned to do.
Stepping out into the street though once again had her anxiety spike. She quickly looked around the street but no one or no thing looked out of place. No familiar faces, just the odd normal looking person going about their day walking down the street just like she was. She tried to remind herself her anxiety was just being unreasonable. But still there was no way to stop the sweat that started to cover her forehead as she struggled to keep herself from not just running straight down the street.
Still her pace of walking was fast, her eyes kept darting around. Looking over her shoulders, watching every shadow, glancing up at the roof tops. Yet the entire walk home she never saw anything. No one was following her. No one was in the shadow of every alley she walked past. She tried to tell herself she was being silly. Her mental health was not good and this was simply a sign of the shape she was in. Her normal paranoia was reaching an almost nutty level. But she could not stop herself from the sheer panic that was washing over her as she also could not shake the feeling that she was also so weak and useless.
Her hands shook as she pulled her keys out trying to unlock the front door of her apartment. It took a few tries before her shaking hands were able to push the small key into the all too small lock. The next lock was just as hard and had her cursing at her shaking hands.
The second both locks were undone she nearly threw herself into the apartment and locked the door behind her even faster than she had unlocked it. Still once again her panic did not stop. Double checking the locks of the door she quickly moved to check every window of the apartment. Thanks to Midoriya crawling in through her bedroom window she now did not trust that others could somehow do the same. The locks on the windows looked good and in place. Nothing in the apartment was out of place. Still the panic attack struck hard. She tried to make her way to her bedroom but she never even made it across the tiny apartment. Her throat felt like it was trying to kill her and construct on her. She could not get enough air into her lunges. Her body was shaking and the world was spinning. A hand reached out for the wall as she tried to ease herself to the floor and not just fall over. Her back pressed to the cool wall as she slowly slid down the wall. Her knees pulled into her chest as she struggled to inhale.
She knew she should try to ground herself. But she could no longer get her mind to work. It felt like her body and mind were trying to kill her. But she knew she would not be that lucky. Her head tucked in towards her knees. Whether it was only minutes or hours later she did not know. But eventually she was able to gulp down enough air to start pushing the black dots out of her vision. But still she did not move even once she was able to breathe again.
Her body was shaking uncontrollably, tears had started to roll down her cheeks once again. She would have been surprised that she could still produce tears after all the tears she had already shed. She was so weak. A quirkless, useless woman. This only went to show all the bullies when she was a child were right. The dark thoughts that filled her head only made her sobbing grow harder as she struggled to keep it quiet enough so none of her neighbours could hear it.
Another day had gone by faster than she expected. And once again she had neglected herself. Food held no interest even as the pain of starvation ripped at her stomach. Her body was surely dehydrated with the lack of water she had been drinking as well as the fact that she had probably been crying out what fluid her body had left. Finally she looked around her dark apartment. When did the sun set? Then again where had the day gone? Had she passed out or simply been crying the entire time after her panic attack? She did not know and probably would never know.
She searched for her cell phone. Meaning to use the device for a flashlight to keep her from bumping into something. But as she held her device in hand she just sat there in the dark looking down at where her hands should be. But the device never lit up. Oh yeah, the batter had been dead that morning. And she had never plugged it in. Leaning on the wall to follow along it, she searched for the light switch before the room finally lit up and allowed her to see again. Though the light was blinding as she closed her eyes and lifted one hand up to the and shield her eyes as she tried to blink her eyes open.
She was so stupid. She could not even remember to plug her cell phone in. Once again those dark thoughts about herself started to fill her mind as she slowly walked into her kitchen. Maybe a warm cup of tea may help her a little. Really she wanted a stiff drink, that would help her more if she could drink till she could not remember her issues. But that was the reason she never kept booze in her home. She knew all too well how easy it would be for her to fall into that black hole of self destruction if she allowed herself to fall into any sort of addiction. And that scared her. So instead she turned her kettle on. Pulling a cup from her cupboard. A simple green tea was all she had. But that would work. It had to.
Her body moved on autopilot as she heard the kettle whistle at her. She was stuck in her mind. Unable to help the thoughts that were filling her mind. She knew in a sense that they were not true. But it was also hard to stop them. Why her? Why was she alive and he was not? Why did he leave her? She felt her bottom lip quiver at that thought as she wrapped her hands around the warm cup full of hot water as she sat at her kitchen table.
She never could understand that. He had been like a big brother, he had saved her life. Had kept someone from killing her. She had seen him like some white knight. She knew it was stupid. She knew all along Dabi had been a bad person. She had watched him kill. Hell the first time she met him he had killed the men that had been threatening to rape her and she image they would have killed her too. And honestly she was surprised Dabi had not killed her too. But apparently he had recognized her as one of the homeless kids on the street. She was not even twelve. And for some reason he had left her alive for some reason.
After he had saved her she had followed him like a stray dog. And at first it had pissed the man off. But at some point she had wormed her way on his good side. Though Dabi did not have much of a good side. But he never hurt her so she saw that as his good side. And yet once he started to associate with the League of Villains he distanced himself from her. And it only grew worse. She should have seen it coming. Why did she not see the sign? He was so self destructive. She should have known he would do something so stupid and dangerous as fighting with his father and brother. But honestly she feared he would have used any hero. It was a sucide by hero. That's all it was. Dabi just wanted to try to take them with him. But he had never planned to survive. She saw that now.
She felt so stupid that she never saw the issues, she never saw how he suffered. She never saw the signs. She never tried to help him like he had helped her. She did not care that she was not even fifteen at the time. She should have done something. She could have saved him like he had saved her. Then she would not be alone again.
She had just been staring at the cup of tea as she struggled to keep her body from shaking as those thoughts just ate away at her. Her tea was going cold and she did not even care.
Suddenly a knock at her door nearly had her scream. It had ripped her out of her mind and had started her. Her panic had spiked again. But she tried to tell herself it was most likely Midoriya. She had been ignoring him, not completely on purpose but after running into him and Todoroki she could not bring herself to answer his texts. Maybe that was why she was avoiding charging her cell phone.
A second knock had her climbing to her feet. She wanted to avoid her neighbour but she feared if he poked his head out of one of his windows he would be able to see the lights on in her apartment. She could not avoid him forever.
"Hold on Midoriya," she called out as she pushed her chair back and was wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. She never even made it across her small apartment before the door to her appointment was suddenly flying into her apartment. The sound was loud as her door hit the floor. Splinters of wood scattered across her floor.
She did not even stop the scream that escaped her as a large boulder of a man stepped into the room. He barely fit through the door, both too tall and too wide.
"Damn it, I told you not to do that. Now we gotta grab her and get the fuck out of here," came a hiss from a second voice that was standing behind the large man who almost looked like a rhino in a suit.
The second body was smaller than the first though still he was taller than her. She quickly started to back away from the two men the second their eyes had landed on her.
RUN! That's what she needed to do. But where? The two men were blocking her main escape. No fire escape meant that she would never make it along the side of the building. Still that did not stop her from looking toward the closest window. She was four stories up. Would she survive hiding the sidewalk? If she did it would not be pretty. That was a suicided attempt she may as well just jump head first to make sure the fall killed her on impact.
Being unable to run she could do nothing but back up till she hit the wall. Watching the two men slowly as the smaller one slipped past his large friend and started to walk towards her.
"Sorry about the door. That idiot is impatient," the smaller man was still taller than her boy nowhere as tall as the other man.
"Who are you?" She asked, her voice shaking even as she watched the man smiling at her.
"No one important miss. Now if you do not mind. I do not like the idea of hurting a lady. But we need you to come with us," his smile was creepy. His eyes were closed and the grin on his lips never really looked genuine. As she spoke with him it felt like a snake was curling it's way up and around her. She was in the grip of a venomous creature, something incredibly dangerous. She had originally been more scared of the large man. But this one was the really dangerous one of the two.
"And if I say no?" she asked. She knew the answer. He would drag her out with force. And the fact that no one was coming to her rescue already means that Deku must not have been home. There was no way no one had heard her door being broken down. Or the blood curdling yell she had let out.
"Then what happens next is on you," He said as she watched his creepy grin growing even wider.
