So, I found this one shot, that I wrote way back in October. Not sure why I didn't post it, I think I was expecting a bit more from with show with regards to Kim's PTSD & the search for Roy so was probably waiting to see how that played out. Anyway, that ship has well and truly sailed, so you can have it now.
Kim closed the locker room door quietly behind her. "Are you okay?" her voice trembled a little. "I was worried about you."
Adam turned off the faucet and reached for his towel. He patted his face dry as he turned to face Kim. "Me too." Tossing his towel on the bench he stepped towards Kim and held her shoulders and he wasn't sure if it was his hands that were shaking or her body or both. "I was shit scared when they came in and then I heard all that going on out in the hallway. Are you okay?"
"Bit of a sore shoulder."
"Why? Did you get hit?" he looked at both her shoulders. It was a little bit irrational because it had happened hours ago and knew that none of them were injured.
"No, I smashed into a door trying to get out of the way."
Adam rubbed both her shoulders gently. "Are you okay?" he asked again.
"I think so." Her eyes welled up and he pulled her in for a hug. "I can do this." She muttered almost to herself.
"Of course you can. You are amazing. I'm proud of you." Adam whispered against her hair. "We've got this."
"I just want to hug Makayla and then curl up with you at home."
"And that's what we will do." He stepped back after kissing her forehead and reached for his towel.
"You need to take that home so I can wash it. We don't need another mouldy towel incident do we?" Kim reminded him and Adam laughed.
She was never going to let him live that one down. He'd had a shower at work after coming back after a particularly energetic chase on a hot summer day and he was sweaty and smelly. They got called out almost immediately and he quickly dressed and tossed the towel in the bottom of his locker and forgot all about it. Days later the smell was unmissable and Kim had hauled him into the locker room and made him remove the smelly, mouldy towel and ranted at him for a good ten minutes about his lacklustre housekeeping skills and how his disgusting habits put them all at risk.
He had been amused and a little disturbed at her enthusiasm, which included a lot of hand waving. He smiled again and waited for the show but he got a totally different one this time.
Suddenly Kim sat down with a thud on the bench and she gripped the side of the bench, her knuckles white as she hung on like her life depended on it. Adam panicked. He knew, above all else Kim didn't want to do this here. "Just breathe Kim." He quickly locked the door, the last thing they needed was someone barging in. Crouching down in front of her he rested his hands on hers, rubbing his thumbs gently over her knuckles until her ragged breathing subsided. "What's going on?"
"Nobody asks?"
"Asks what?"
"If I am okay? Nobody ever asks." The pain in her voice was always like a knife to his heart.
Adam held his tongue. She didn't want people to fuss over her and ask her constantly if she was okay. At work Kim didn't want people to think she was weak, she didn't want to show any weakness. He didn't think admitting you weren't okay was a sign of weakness but he had learned his lesson. This was her trauma and Kim had to work through it however she could.
The only thing he was grateful for was that Kim wasn't pushing him away. He was the only person who had seen her at her worst, that she let herself be her worst and that felt like a privilege that he never wanted to lose because seeing those moments he couldn't bear to think of her going through it alone. It had been raw and brutal at times.
"Today, I got shot at, everyone asked if you and Kevin were okay. Even me, because I was so worried about you because I can't do this without you. Nobody ever looks at me and says, hey Kim you okay? Except you."
"Because I can't do this without you either. Mak and I would be tragically incapable of making it through a day." Adam smiled. "They'd make a movie out of us, like Abbott and Costello."
Kim cocked her head slightly. "Your faith in me is sweet."
"It is what it is." He patted her thighs. "You need a minute or you good to go?" Holding out his hands he pulled Kim up off the bench and then messed his hair up and untucked his shirt a little.
"What are you doing?"
"Well I don't want to blow our cover. Wouldn't you rather people think you've been having your wicked way with me than you know…."
"Are they my only two options?"
He winked playfully, and Kim tried to stop herself from smiling but he could see it creeping into the corner of her eyes. "Yes, Darlin' they are."
Kim shoved him lightly towards the door and told him to give her a minute. "I need to pee."
"You'll be okay?"
"Yes, I can pee by myself."
Adam stopped at the door, opening it suddenly and stepping into the hall before swinging back in to speak. They had a raft of paperwork to file. "We still hangin' tonight?" Adam always asked the same question. It was a thing and even Makayla had picked it up and would often ask Kim if they were 'hangin'.
It was happening a little more often lately. Even though he was more economical with his words and needed to run a spellcheck over every sentence Kim nearly always had things filed well before him and everyone else in the team, she was meticulous and they often teased her about being the teacher's pet. Rarely did Kim's reports come back with amendments required. The past few weeks though he'd noticed she was taking a little longer than usual and not just with her paperwork, she took longer checking and re-checking her gear, making sure her weapon was clean and would check and double check that things were locked away at the end of the day.
Adam was also starting to suspect Kim was doing more than just her required work with the amount of time she spent focussed on her computer but hadn't been able to find out what exactly, although he had his suspicions.
Kim was focussed intently on the screen and didn't see Adam walk up behind her. "What you looking at?" He peered over her shoulder. She jumped suddenly and clicked the page closed but not before Adam caught a glimpse of what she was doing.
"Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you." He chose to ignore it for now, he certainly wasn't going to make a big fuss out of it here. "You nearly ready. We can pick Mak up, give the babysitter an early mark."
"Well aren't you two the cutest?" Kevin teased. He was loving that they finally seemed to be on the same page again. It had been a long road but his best friends being happy was something he'd hoped for. If they could make it, anyone could.
"We try." Adam quipped.
"Tell little Mak that Uncle Kev has big plans for her this Sunday."
"Will do." Adam threw him a salute while Kim shut down her computer and grabbed her jacket. They stopped by the locker room and picked up their bags. "Mak's gonna love it, Kev's plans are always off the wall. I'm not sure we will enjoy the sugar high later on."
"Bouncing off the walls."
Makayla was excited to see them both earlier than expected and they stopped at a playground on the way home. It wouldn't be long until the weather really turned and it wouldn't be possible to spend that much time outside so they were making the most of it.
"We've never been to this one before." Makayla declared when they pulled it. "I think I love it." She took off towards the playground as soon as her feet hit the ground. There was a couple of kids already there and they saw two mothers with prams sitting on the bench to one side chatting away. The carpark was nearly empty. She quickly counted. Two mothers, two cars, a couple of people running with their dogs, another two cars and them.
Adam wasn't stupid, he knew exactly why they were at a playground they'd never been to before. They rarely went the same place twice and if they did they took a different route. It didn't take a genius to figure it out and what would it say about him as a cop if he didn't pick up on it and the longer it went on the more obsessive she became and it was starting to become more of a concern. It worried him constantly and he was pretty sure he only got to see a small fraction of the stress it was causing Kim internally.
To some degree he couldn't blame her and it did play on his mind most days, especially if he was working late. What if? It was not a game they could play because the only winner would be Roy. Today he was winning.
It wasn't just the threat of Roy, it was also about Makayla. She'd been through so much in her short seven years and finally she had started finding her feet and thriving. Kim getting hurt had shifted the ground under her again and even now she wasn't completely settled. It also had shifted his whole world on its axis, it was a little thing that sat inside him every time he strapped on his badge and weapon and stepped outside.
He knew Kim felt it as well, she'd had doubts about whether she had been fair to Makayla in taking her in and putting her in a vulnerable position again and had discussed it with Adam late one night just after she got home from hospital. "…but I feel like I had no choice, there was something there and I love her so much Adam. Tell me I did the right thing?"
"You always do the right thing, that's who you are."
Makayla took off towards Kim who was sitting on the spare bench away from anyone else to watch Adam and Makayla playing and she wanted to join in but she couldn't. Someone had to keep watch, just in case. Her eyes scanned the perimeter every few minutes, taking note of cars and movement. She knew Makayla was safe with Adam right now, so she checked around to make sure they were all safe.
A smile lit up Kim's face as Makayla ploughed into her waiting arms. "Save me, Adam's chasing me. Don't let him catch me." She gasped. "He'll tickle me."
"I'll save you."
She insisted and received a piggy back ride back to the car. It was rare that Adam said no to Makayla. He just wanted her to be happy and he didn't want any drama that would upset Kim. He wasn't winning the dinner argument tonight though, there was no take-out and there would be vegetables. Adam shrugged. "I tried."
The whole evening routine was hectic. Dinner, homework, shower, reading, dishes and bed before they finally collapsed on the sofa, even if it was only for an hour before they had case notes to read or finish, emails to respond to or just new directives to brush up on. There was always new directives, every other week there was a new way of doing things and Adam had learned the hard way that he needed to make sure he read them.
They had tried the Adam staying at his place thing and it hadn't worked for either of them. Kim fretted, she barely slept as it was and when Adam wasn't in the apartment it was worse. After a week she had begged him to stay on the weekend and preceded to sleep for most of it while Adam kept Makayla busy. From then on he pretty much was always here on weekends and a few nights during the week, not that they had talked about it or committed to anything but they were all happier when Adam was around.
Tonight though they put all that aside, didn't even turn on the TV and Adam had stretched out on the sofa while Kim took Makayla to bed. When she came back his eyes were closed and she positioned herself on top of him. Instantly his arms wrapped around her waist as she settled in and put her head on his chest and tucked it up under his chin. They were quiet and just let the gentle, persistent hum of life continue around them.
In and out, in and out. Adam's chest rose and fell and Kim's own breathing fell into sync with his.
Suddenly Adam broke the silence. "What's it going to take?"
She knew what he was talking about. "I need to know where he is. That he's not out there looking for me. I saw his face, he'll know I'm not dead. What if he comes for me? What if he comes for Makayla? What if he comes for you? Every time I see the back of someone's head, every time someone pops out from around a corner or opens a door unexpectedly….I don't even feel safe coming home some days, because I think he might be here. I should feel safe in my home, in our home."
"Right now?"
"Right now. At this very moment I feel safe. We can't stay here forever though can we?"
Adam kissed the top of her head. "No. And I hate seeing you like this. I see it, all of it."
"I know you do, and I appreciate that you don't make a big deal of it. I know I melted down today because nobody asks me if I am okay, but…." Her voice trailed off so Adam filled in the silence.
"I think I get it, you don't want them to ask if you are okay about your incident but after a shoot-out like today you want someone to ask if you are okay with that." Adam started running his fingers up and down her spine, sadly feeling each and every one of her vertebrae. It had been a struggle to get her to eat and she had lost weight. The layers she wore at work concealed it but she couldn't hide it from him and had given up trying. Adam, in return didn't say anything, he just made sure she ate. "Did I read that right?"
"Yeah, yeah." She nodded against his chest. "I don't like feeling like this. Trying not to let people is exhausting, I don't want Makayla to see this."
"We knew it wasn't going to be a straight line Kim, more like a rollercoaster, dips, curves, sharp turns, highs and lows but you will get to the end of the ride and you will get off." He had liked when Kim had told him that analogy that her counsellor had told her and often reminded her of it. Usually when they hit a trough or took a turn.
"It feels never ending some days." It was easy to say it, not so easy to live it. "I called my contact in the FBI."
"And?"
"Doesn't know anything. Why haven't the FBI found him? How can he just disappear?"
"I really don't know." Adam had also called around, not so much because he wanted to know where Roy was, he just wanted to give Kim peace. "If he is dead, I am not fucking sorry."
Kim shifted a little uncomfortably. "I don't know…" Kim sighed. "…I just want to know. I want to stop looking over my shoulder. How do you do it?"
"I don't. Maybe I just hide it better, maybe I don't." Adam curled some of her hair around his fingers. "What I do know is, I want to come home every day to this. I like it here, with you and Makayla. It's our job to protect her and no piece of shit Roy fucking Walton is going to take that away from us and away from Makayla."
Kim lifted her head and rested her chin on her hand and looked up at him. "He's not fucking winning. He didn't beat me, he didn't kill me then, he's not beating me now."
"That's my girl."
One step forward and ten steps back.
Kim sat bolt upright in bed.
The room was dark and the wind and the rain outside had finally abated. It had been a wild day and they were cold, wet and hungry by the time they dragged themselves home. The whole week had been hectic and the hours had been erratic. The babysitter was a legend and a steaming hot pot of soup was ready for them when they got home and it was good to get home.
"Adam." She whispered desperately nudging him in the side. "Adam. Someone is trying to break in." She gasped. Her heart was thudding in her chest, her palms were clammy and she felt like she was screaming at the top of her voice while in reality it barely came out in a whisper in the dark.
Suddenly he was awake and he heard the same noise at the front door that Kim had. It did sound like someone was trying to get into the apartment.
Rolling out of bed he scrambled for his track pants and pulled them on. He grabbed his phone and slipped quietly from the room, shutting the door behind him. Quickly making his way across the apartment he checked on Makayla and she was sound asleep so he closed her door softly.
Moving swiftly towards the closet he retrieved his weapon from the safe and used the peep hole in the door to see who was outside. Not seeing anything he opened the door slightly and found the source of the noise. Their drunken neighbour passed out on the floor, he closed the door again, put his weapon away before dealing with the drunk. "Jesus, Lance." He muttered. "Not even close."
He hauled him up off the floor, closing his door behind and locking it before he dragged Lance down the hall, banged on his own door and waited until his very disgruntled wife opened the door and he deposited Lance unceremoniously on his own couch.
The apartment was dark when he returned and checked on Makayla, who hadn't moved. The girl slept like a log. Returning to Kim's bedroom it was empty. Adam's heart skipped a beat as he moved towards the bathroom. "Kim, it's okay Darlin', it's just me."
He slowly opened the door. "Come on." He crouched down and held out his hand. "Take my hand. I've got you."
He could hear her ragged breathing, sharp and shallow and he could feel the panic in the room. "Lance was drunk again, tried to un-lock the door, it was just the wrong door. He is safely back in his own apartment. Julie is going to tear him a new one in the morning." Kim reached for his hand and Adam slowly bought her out and led her towards the door. Before she would even think about going back to bed she had to check on Makayla and then watch as Adam checked all the locks on the front door and make sure all the windows were secure.
Ten steps back.
