"Charlie… It doesn't seem to be fitting." Cas huffed out a frustrated sigh, arms dropping from… whatever he was doing.

Dean's mind did not go places. At all. Charlie's, however, did if her smirk was any indication. "That's what he said."

Dean couldn't see what exactly Cas was fighting with, but he sounded very, very put out that it wasn't working. "It's not funny. She keep… wiggling." He frowned. "Are you sure this'll work on her?"

Charlie nodded, reaching into her pocket and pulling out a torn-open silver packet and handing it to Cas. "The package says that every face is beautiful. It's bound to fit."

"Well, it's not." And then… was Cas shouting at an inanimate package? "What about cow faces? They're beautiful, too." Yep, apparently he was.

"Clearly the face mask doesn't think so-"

Dean could see Cas' interruption coming before he even started speaking. He did not, however, foresee Cas bending over to cover Samantha's ears as he hissed out, "How dare you?!" (though he probably should have been able to because… well… it was Cas).

Which was about when it registered what, exactly, they were trying to do. "Wh-" (If anyone were to ask, no, Dean absolutely did not almost drop his drink. He also absolutely did not care at all about anything that was going on. At all. None of it. It just didn't stop him from intervening.) "You better not be giving the cow a damn face mask."

Cas frowned. "Why not, Dean?"

If there were anything he'd expected Cas to get… it was this. Not that Dean cared. At all. Just… "You can't put chemicals on her." He gently eased the packet out of Cas' hand (it was not a snatch. At all. No speed. No urgency. None, zip, nada, zilch). And then he (very dispassionately and completely apathetically) started reading the ingredients.

Charlie shook her head. "You don't just give a cow a face mask, Dean. She deigns to accept one, obviously, and it's our duty to provide one." The showmanship lasted all of two seconds before she rolled her eyes again. "And lighten up, stress-head. It's organic."

It was indeed. More than that, it was also, according to the package: decomposable, recycled, natural, from-the-earth, cage-free, and vegan. Not that Dean cared. At all. On the contrary, he was vaguely absorbed by thinking all of it was overkill and why the hell does the cow need a face mask anyway, of course. As always. Nothing else.

He tossed the packet back. "Whatever." And then her words fully registered and: "Stress-head?" She shrugged. "Not your best insult." She shrugged again. And then she had the audacity to stick her tongue out at him.

Cas had turned back to the cow the second Dean had tossed back the packet, still fluttering anxiously about her before, "Fine, then, guess we'll just have to overrule the face mask."

Dena would regret it, but… "You do realize that the face mask didn't make the decisio- Okay, never mind." (Not that Cas glaring at him was anything he cared that much about avoiding, but… just shut it.)

The sound of rending fibers filled the air with an oddly slippery squelch, and Dean could just make out the way Cas was ripping the mask before smoothing it out against her fur. (Dean did not wince in sympathy at how wet and slimy it must have felt.)

Charlie shook her head. "She doesn't seem to like it, Cas."

Dean snorted from around the beer bottle. "Who'da thought that a cow wouldn't like a man-made face mask to get rid of her…" Well, apparently he had long ago passed into uncertain territory because he had somewhere between no and absolutely no clue what he was talking about. "The hell do face masks do, anyway? Do they do literally anything other than get rid of acne?"

From the way Cas gasped, Dean would've thought that his lack of understanding of the cruciality of face masks was the end of the world. "They provide soothing effects, Dean. And tighten your pores. And clear your pores. And-"

Dean surrendered because he couldn't deal with this. "Okay, okay, forget I frigging asked."

Charlie, meanwhile, was focused on something very different. "Do cows have pores?"

Cas scoffed again. "Of course they do, Charlie. Don't be ridiculous; why wouldn't they have pores?" And then he was turning back towards Dean, vaguely accusatory as he did. "And, Dean, how do you know that cows didn't make this mask, huh?"

Call Dean an idiot but he'd really thought they were past it. Apparently not. "Because they're cows, Cas."

"We've been over this, Dean. Cows can do whatever they want, including-" He looked at Sam. "-but not limited to-" He looked away again. "-making masks."

Dean blinked. "We have been over this. And the fact that she's a cow. And the fact that cows cannot do everything humans do. And now apparently we need to discuss the fact that cows cannot make masks."

Cas immediately went back to cover Samantha's ears. "Don't you dare tell her what she can and can't do!"

Charlie reached over, repositioning the face mask from where Cas had almost knocked it off. When she spoke, Dean could practically hear the smirk. "Oh, how old married couples bicker…"

For once, Cas immediately agreed with Dean and they both wheeled around to stare at Charlie and chorus, "We're not bickering."

Which was about when Dean realized that it… probably wasn't the part of the sentence that he should have keyed in on. Which said absolutely nothing. At all. "O-or married."

Charlie was… still grinning. "Yet."

Cas shook his head vehemently. "We're not gonna get married, Charlie.'

Not that Cas' very, very hasty rejection meant absolutely anything, but Dean had come to the conclusion that his beer was far too interesting for him to care about anything else going on in the room. Which was the sole reason he looked away. And maybe, kinda, sorta blinked.

And he really, really didn't need Charlie staring at him with… what even is that? (Affection? Awful. Disgusting. Embarrassing. Get it away). He eventually settled on diagnosing it as sympathy (unnecessary, of course) and promptly decided to move past it.

Immediately. "Anyway. I can tell you for a fact that she doesn't like that mask and is plannin' to ditch it in T-minus 3… 2… 1…" The face mask was almost immediately bucked off, landing on Cas' face before falling off and flopping to the ground. Dean grinned. "Told you so."

Cas tilted his head, regarding the now-crumpled mask and simultaneously rubbing his now slimy nose. "She… as it turns out… inconceivably… didn't like it. But that's okay, Samantha. We'll just get you into the bath."

Dean would fully admit to balking at that one (though he didn't almost spew beer and also did not only avoid that by choking it down awkwardly instead). "In the b-bath? Cas, you can't just-"

He… apparently didn't care because he was already trying to lead Samantha towards the bathroom. "Cows need soap, too, Dean."

Dean… did not bolt after him. Not at all. "Not in our ba-my bathroom, she doesn't." Cas didn't heed him. "And, anyway, it ain't like we have cow-safe shampoo." Charlie was smirking again, but that was irrelevant because he wasn't at all worried about the cow. Or about referring to it as their bathroom. Not at all.

Thankfully, she dropped it. "She won't fit in a sink, Dean. Where else are we supposed to put her?"

"And…" Cas grinned, holding up a bottle. "Cow shampoo."

Dean may or may not have already given in, but it wasn't at all because of the Sammy-tier puppy-dog eyes Cas was levelling at him. "I just cleaned the damn thing, too."

"She isn't that dirty, Dean." And dammit he was still doing that damn expression. "Besides, you like clean, so if she's clean…"

Charlie was still smirking and he really, really needed to get her to stop doing that. "Exactly."

Dean tossed his hands into the air. "Fine." He was mid-contemplating murdering both of them. The idea was oddly not tempting.

Cas finally dropped that damn expression (not that it had any effect on Dean. At all.) Except… dammit, then he smiled (which also had no effect, but also wasn't pleasant). "Thank you, Dean."

And then he started leading Samantha to the bathroom and Dean came to the unfortunate conclusion that he'd made a huge mistake.