Word gets out that Evans wants to get her dormitory switched after she transitions, because of course it does. This is Hogwarts, after all: nobody here could keep a secret even if they wanted to, and James would bet that most people don't see the problem with blabbing everybody else's business to the entire school. Honestly, it's a miracle Remus hasn't been outed as a werewolf by now.
In any case, James hears this particular bit of gossip from Peter, who heard it from Ramona, who heard it from Mary, who heard it from Evans—or who claims to have heard it from Evans, anyway. "She's going to move," Peter says in a carrying whisper at the Gryffindor table at breakfast, "but not until Madam Pomfrey finishes whatever potions she needs to give her to have a girl's body. Apparently, boys can't get up the girls' staircase."
"Well, it makes sense," Remus reasons. "That rule was codified by Hogwarts's founders a thousand years ago, and they can't have been very forward-thinking in their ideas about gender, could they? I just feel bad that she's trapped somewhere that…"
"Evans hates us. He's probably just dying to get out of—er, she," Sirius corrects himself. "Sorry, James."
He glances sidelong at James, who allows it. He still hasn't admitted to Sirius why exactly he's been so defensive of Evans's transition, but Sirius seems to have at least figured out to be careful with pronouns and avoid using slurs in James's presence if he wants to avoid an ugly-arse confrontation. "We should make an effort with her while she's still stuck with us. None of this must be easy for her."
"And why do you care so much all of a sudden what Evans thinks of us or feels about living with us?" says Peter. "You said yourself she's as bad as Snivellus for defending him."
"None of this is her fault," James snaps. "She's got it bad enough without having to do it with no support from the people she lives with. She's still a human being."
He locks eyes with Remus, who coughs. James remembers the conversation they had last night—Remus's insistence that Sirius and Peter will accept James and even be more understanding about Evans if James comes out to them—and looks away quickly.
xx
He starts making an effort to—not include Evans, necessarily. There's no way in hell he's telling her about the Cloak or the Map or the Animagus spell they've been researching or any of the other millions of secrets he and the blokes have been keeping from her in hushed tones, their whispers breaking off around one o'clock every morning when she finally comes up to the dormitory to sleep. But—he tries to acknowledge her more, anyway, and even lays off Snape when she's around so as not to deliberately antagonize her.
For her part, Evans clearly doesn't know how to react. Every time he speaks to her, she responds in two-word answers and the most skeptical tone of voice he's ever heard from her. It's not like he was expecting her to fall all over herself thanking him for being so nice to her, but he still wishes he could get through to her a little more, now that he knows he's not the only trans person in the castle. It's nice having Remus's support, but there are things Remus couldn't possibly understand—that nobody but Evans, as far as James knows, possibly could.
James thinks it'll be a while before Evans's transition is complete—when he asks, she says she'll be in the boys' dormitory until at least February—but Madam Pomfrey starts giving her something around late October that makes the pitch of her voice rise and the angles of her face soften. She looks nice—really nice—like this. More importantly, she looks happy. There's a glow in her face that James has never seen before; it reminds him of how he felt when he was six years old and looked in the mirror like he was supposed to for the first time.
The thing is, James never—he always thought he was going to be alone in this for the rest of his life, that nobody would ever get it, but he finally has somebody who does, even if Evans doesn't fully get—well—him. Everything he used to think about her is still true—that she's stuck-up and a spoilsport and makes excuses for her Dark Magic-loving little twerp of a best mate—-but maybe there's more to her underneath it, just like he knows there's more to him underneath what she's always thought of him.
When he comes clean to Peter and Sirius, it's by accident. It's nighttime, and it's just the three of them up in the dormitory; Remus has probably been the wolf for a few hours by now. They've just abruptly shut up about the Death's Head moth chrysalises they need for the Animagus spell now that Evans has come up to crash. She's fished her pajamas out of her trunk and is just about to carry them with her into the bathroom when James blurts out, "You don't need to do that, Evans."
She wavers. "Do what?"
"Go in the loo to change. You used to always do it out here, and you still can, if you're comfortable with that. None of us is going to make a spectacle out of you just because your body is changing."
"Potter, that's—it's none of your—if I want to—"
"I think you broke her, mate," Sirius snickers.
James scowls. "Leave her alone, Sirius. This has got to be hard enough without you—"
"Why do you care so much, anyway? It's not like you know what Evans is—"
"I do know what she's going through," he spits. "I've been through it, okay? I was born with a female body. I went through the exact same thing as what she's going through now when I was six."
There's a stunned silence; the blood rushes hot through James's veins; Evans mutters, "I'm just going to…" and positively flees for the loo.
"You never told us," says Peter weakly.
"I told Remus," James confesses. "I figured he would get it on account of… his furry little problem," he finishes, wary of just how much Evans can hear through the bathroom door.
Sirius says, "And you didn't think we would? James, I… if I had known, I wouldn't have said all that shit I said about Evans at the beginning of the year."
"Why not? Because you wouldn't have wanted to offend me? News flash: just because you're not saying them in front of me doesn't mean it's not hurtful for you to think them."
"What's it like, anyway?" says Peter. His voice sounds like he's feeling a bizarre mix of eagerness and apprehension.
"It's not fun, Pete. It's not like it's some wild ride you can hop off when you're done soaking up the novelty of the thing. I was trapped in a body that didn't feel like mine for six years, and I still…"
"But… you did hop off. You transitioned. You're just like every other boy in this castle now. Aren't you?"
"Mostly," James mutters. "A couple times a week, I still get flashes where it feels like I'm in my old body, and they're not fun, even though most of the time I feel like myself now. For the most part, things are better now—way better—but I still had to live my childhood. I haven't forgotten it. I've got a lot of memories of being miserable, and those aren't ever going to just go away."
What he doesn't say is that he's got to live not just with memories but with his fear—that he'll be found out, that people will see him and treat him like he's not valid. James knows who he is—even feels proud of who he is—but he doesn't expect for a damn second that anybody besides Evans or Remus in this castle will see him the same way if they find out. Remus already knows all this, but James isn't sure if he's ready to voice that to Peter or Sirius—especially to Sirius.
Evans emerges from the bathroom at that moment, clutching her dirty work robes and looking lost. Right: she could hear everything they were saying in there. He wants to say something to her, but he doesn't know what, and before he can think of it, she just says abruptly, "I'm going to bed. See you tomorrow."
And she shuts the hangings on her bed and disappears for the night.
All night, he can't shake the feeling like he's supposed to be reaching out to her, lending an ear, sharing his experience—something so that she's not all alone with this. So the next morning, when his WWN alarm goes off and they all (sans Evans) struggle out of bed, James tells Sirius and Peter, "You two go on ahead. I'll meet you down there."
"Are you sure?" says Peter, biting his lip. After all, it was a full moon last night, and they always spend the mornings after full moons with Remus in the Hospital Wing.
"Yeah. Tell Remus I'll be over as soon as I can. I just… have something I want to take care of first."
"Yeah. Yeah, okay."
Evans hasn't really stirred since the WWN roared to life—after all, Remus isn't her friend to wake up early to keep company—but James can tell from her breathing that she's awake. "Evans? I know you're up. Can we talk?"
There's a long pause; James is debating whether to speak up again by the time he hears rustling from within her four-poster. She shoves the curtains open. "What are you still doing here? Lupin's going to be wondering what kept you."
"They'll fill him in," James shrugs.
Evans clears crust out of her eyes and swipes at her violently red hair to flatten it. She's been growing it out since the school year started, and it's just long enough to get inconveniently plastered to her face and neck and stick up in all directions ridiculously. James likes it.
"What do you want?" she mutters.
"I just wanted to… Evans, I hate knowing there's somebody else in this school—somebody else in my dormitory—who understands and us not being able to talk about it. It's like, if we don't stick together…"
She sighs. "We don't need to stick together. You have your friends, and I have mine, and you're still a bloody bully."
There it is again—the term Evans likes to throw around every time she so much as speaks to or about James. He neglects to point out that she hasn't got any friends other than Snape, not really. "Snape's not innocent here, you know. He's the one who whips out Dark Magic every time we get into a fight."
"Yeah, all the fights that you pick with him. He just wants to be left alone."
"You're not getting it," he mutters. "I'm not evil. I just…"
"Well, then, enlighten me," says Evans dryly, and is he really going to go there? Is he really going to admit to her what's at the core of his vendetta against Snape?
It appears so because he continues, "I had to—look, I know how this is going to sound, okay, I do—but I had to do something to keep the whole school from seeing me as a freak. If I'd been honest about having transitioned—what they'd have done to me—"
"So you did it to Severus instead? Pushed him down to save your own hide and protect your reputation?"
Evans sounds sickened, and maybe she should be, but it's too late for that. "Evans—"
"You know what, Potter? Don't talk to me. Don't you dare."
"But—"
"I'm going back to bed," she grouses, and she shuts the hangings of her four-poster again before he can get a word in edgewise.
