(A/N:
Doris and Boris are the same person
Sponsors (Caillou plays Raid: Shadow Legends on his phone)
Fade to black
Internal monologues
Self-insert character (Caillou Expert)
Romance - Doris/BorisXSelfInsert
Character features: Papyrus, Monika, TimdalfTheBrown, Chris Hemsworth
Speed Dating)
Chapter 1:
The sun sets slowly outside the Ruby Tuesday on Main Street, just visible through the window as Doris/Boris takes a seat across from their first date. Caillou is staying with his grandparents for the evening, Raid: Shadow Legends already downloaded on his phone, and Boris/Doris is ready to find true love.
"Ayo its ya boy Skinny Penis, here with a Sponsored Speed Dating event by Raid Shadow Legend. Take ya asses to your seats and pair up and get this show on the road."
"Hello i am Doris/Boris, I am a single parent of one and I enjoy Long walks on the beach and cooking and also do you like coochie?"
"NYAAAAAAAAAAA I BE PAPYRUS THE GREATEST DEFENDER OF THE UNDERDARK I THINK, I CAN'T QUITE REMEMBER WHAT ITS CALLED. BUT I ENJOY BEING THE BEST, BEING THE GREATEST, AND HAVING HUUUUGE BONERS! MY BROTHER SAID THAT LINE WOULD WORK GREAT ON FIRST DATES!"
"Oh dear…"
At the next table, a very hot person sits across from a blank-faced college student who has an unsettling demeanor.
"Hi, I'm CaillouExpert. I enjoy being hot, quesadillas, and TTRPGs when I play it."
Monika (who has yet to introduce herself, but we all know who this is) says, "Oh I know all about you, CaillouExpert. I know your fears, I know your hopes, and I know your dreams. I don't think we have to sit here any longer, when it can just be us, CaillouExpert."
CaillouExpert is visibly uncomfortable and stands up to ask the person running this shitshow to move on to the next round.
Doris/Boris takes their seat again and is greeted by a Wizard who has two 40oz of Wine Bottles taped to their hands. Doris/Boris wonders how this Wizard fellow drove here or did a concerned friend drop him off and he wandered in.
"Hello the-"
"GOOD EVENING MY GOOD FELLOW! YOU CARE TO PARTAKE!?"
"Oh God no i have a child"
"HE CAN HAVE SOME TOO, NO REASON THE LAD CAN'T HAVE A PINT"
"I'm not sure that's appropriate."
"WELL ME NAME'S TIMDALF, THE BROWN, HERE'S ME CARD. IF A LEPRECHAUN ASKS IF YOU'VE SEEN ME, THE ANSWER'S NO. TELL THEM I'M DEAD, AND THEY'LL GET THEIR 40 DOLLARS IN HELL." He then proceeds to take a mighty swig from each of his 40oz wine bottles, before scooting off to his next date.
The buzzer calls for people to switch their seats. CaillouExpert sits down, and across from them is none other than Chris Hemsworth. The entire restaurant falls silent, except for the drunk wizard and the androgynous single parent across from them. CaillouExpert eyes Chris, sizing him up.
Chris opens the conversation with, "You… a fan of coochie?"
"Why yes I am."
"Well that's unfortunate, I only have bussy for you."
"That is unfortunate. Normally I'd be down for bussy, but this is a coochie week for me. Here's my card though, my people will contact your people. We can set up a bussy evening if your people are down for that."
CaillouExpert hands Chris their card, and Chris sniffs it before stuffing it in his sock. CaillouExpert notes the sniffing, because that's weird as fuck. Chris did it in a way where he didn't think people were looking even though they definitely were. They decide to let it go, because bussy is bussy.
The buzzer finally sounds and everyone catches their breath after seeing movie star Chris Hemsworth sniff a card and put it in his sock. IT was weird as fuck and i dont think anyone really signed up for that. Business carries on as usual and the final dates start to make their way. Couples who have made connections have already fucked off. Now just leaves two folks hoping to not strike out and make some sort of connection…or at the very least get their bootyholes ate.
"Not been a successful night for you either has it?"
"Aboslutely the fuck not i mean did you see Chris HEmsworth? MAn is insane on GOD!"
"Oh my god was that really him? I didn't even see any of the avengers film but dude, he's so hot thought right?"
"Agreed he is very pretty it's honestly the hair. It's a crime… Speaking of crimes - you trying to commit a felony tonight? I'm tax fraud and you can be Bernie Madoff? And make off with me?"
"I….I don't fully understand that?"
"Oh well you see Bernie Madoff did this whole ordeal with mone- yo know what nvm you tryna get yo ass ate?"
"Oh Hell YES!"
And they lived happily ever after.
After they all left the Ruby Tuesday Waitress responsible for escorting Monika and Timdalf the Brown out of the facilities, noticed a sizable tip from Chris Hemsworth's table which . There were two first class tickets to Australia!"
To be continued…?
