"I think we are going through very similar issues", Crowder said with an expressive gesture. Rubin gave his friend a beer while having a big smile on his face. Strangely it seemed like he was almost proud.

"I'm so glad that you accepted yourself and decided to open yourself to me. I didn't understand it at first either. But we all go through similar things - just look at me now, I'm happily partnered." Rubin gave him a clap on his back.

Crowder instantly recoiled. It took another second before Crowder realized what Rubin meant. "Eww - nooooo! You seriously?! Fags have AIDS. They are a total abomination (nothing personal). I'm not a lispy queer. I mean my debate with Sam Seder. And stop touching me."

"Oh, you meant your total annihalation." Dave giggled. "Yes, I've seen that with my hubby David. That's the reason I've blocked every tweet even containing Sam or Seder in the text." Crowder cleared his throat. "Wow, that hurt. And your husband is seriously named David? That's odd. If I would be married to a man named Steve I would totally kill myself with a fork. No joke." Dave laughed this off.

"I'm so glad that we can talk freely about that. People on the left are always cherry-picking and labeling everyone a racist, homophobe or worse. But I've faced more discrimination from the left then from conservatives."

"I agree. It's hilarious how dumb some of these antifa-snowflakes are. Always triggered like little bitch babies."

They continued their talk about how hard it was being a conservative, in which ways Obama was comparable to Hitler and how socialism was so much deadlier to homosexuals than Nazi Germany. But the topic of the discussion naturally bounced back to Sam Seder.

"Let's assume I am gay. Just for clarification, I am not gay. I'm not demonizing these people, but it's gross. Again, this is nothing personal, Dave. But hypothetically. Do you think I have a tiny little fraction of a chance with Seder?" He frantically circled his face with his finger. Dave tried to channel his inner critic, but he was neither familiar with contructive criticism nor with hypothetical thinking.

"That's a hard question. In this hypothetical I consider you a funny comedian. Truly funny", he answered after a long and awkward pause. Crowder wasn't sure if there wasn't any irony hidden in that weird-ass compliment.

"But am I good looking? Do I look good?", Crowder asked again. Dave shrugged.

"Hypothetically? I mean it's too complex for me to say." It was obvious that Rubin was too incompetent and braindead to help him with that. But Crowder gave it another shot.

"Am I too fat?" He looked down at his waist. Not exactly his ideal body size. His body had definitely seen better days.

"Hypothetical?"

"God, Dave. Stop behaving like a useless NPC. These aren't any high level ideas - just answer the goddamn question." Again, Rubin took his time to answer.

"Aren't you married to your wife anyway?", he asked finally with every intent of dodging the question. Crowder ignored it. There were more important things going on in his life than Hilary. His body had his up and downs, but right now, he felt like shit, even she had mocked him and he will neither forget nor forgive her for the time when she poked him with a corn dog while calling him a dumb fat ass.

"In this shape I will never get Sam Seder to like me." He gave a loud sigh then took another sip of his beer. Even alcohol seemed to be a better friend than Rubin.

"Why do you want Seder to like you? I thought you both hate each other." Confusion was on his face like a dim-witted weirdly cute puppy. "Of course we are talking about hypotheticals, dumb-ass! I'm not really into Seder. I am a man. Are you fucking blind? You see my beard?! My mother fucking gun holster?! I followed every advice on the art of manliness and I must say - I am the very definition of manliness, there is no denying of that."

"Maybe do some work out? And what's with the casket that you are wearing all the time?" He pointed at Crowder's arm.

"Honestly. Make out sounds good", Crowder answered truthfully, then turned red after he noticed his Freudian slip. "I mean of course the act of going to a gym and lift weights." Just for deflection Crowder flexed his muscles in front of the gay guy.

"Does this excite you in any way, Dave?", he asked teasingly.

"Well... no. Besides I am happily partnered. But Seder isn't exactly the most attractive guy either. I think you've got a chance - in this hypothetical." This insult against Sam angered Steven. Crowder exploded.

"You know nothing! You have to have a very high IQ to understand Sam Seder. His humour is extremely subtle and without a solid grasp of US politics many of his jokes will go over a typical listener's head! But you understand nothing, you and your kind are abnormal! You know nothing! You are a child rapist!"

Dave Rubins spam filter began working. The words didn't even reached his brain, so he wasn't getting upset in the slightest. He just began to talk again, but Crowder wasn't listening. He had to think of a reason to meet Seder again. Maybe just ask him out? No, I can't do that. No homo. He looked at Rubin and an idea began to form in his head. A really good idea. He slapped his fist on the wonky table.

"I've got it, I've got the perfect plan. This is it. What if I would dress up as a woman?" He squeezed his breast like titties.

"You mean like the time you dressed up as a fat ugly soccer mom? You are truly genius", Dave said without a whiff of irony.

"Exactly. But you will have to play your part."

"And? How can I help you?"

"Debate Sam Seder. I will strike when he doesn't expect me ."

"No! People call me dumb, but I'm not as dumb as I am. Why don't you debate him again?" Crowder shook his head. "No, I can't do it in front of my audience. It must be spontaneous and unsuspicious."

"I don't think this works. I tell you what I'll do. I will phone him, then you will ask him out. Easy peasy." Rubin grabbed his cellphone and proceeded to dial Seder, but Crowder ripped his phone out of his grasp then threw the damn thing on the concrete floor. "Noooo! I know something better."