A/N
Hey y'all!
So here's the deal... I had this whole thing written out, but it did not work. In theory, sure, it sounded fine, but the way I had it, no. But once I had it written, I couldn't come up with an alternative that did work. So there I was, just stuck stuck stuck. Anyways, after stewing on it for... oh, too many weeks now... I've decided to scrap it and start fresh. Not the first time I've had to delete a chapter and start over, and might not be the last, but at least I can say I'm no longer on pause!
Still have no clue when I'll be able to update, but I am actively writing once again :)
~L
83. Christmas
It was harder than it should have been, watching Bella drive away. There was no real reason for me to feel so anxious. True, we hadn't been separated since the day Irina came, and before that, not since Rio, but it wasn't like she was going far. Bella was only going to visit her father. She and Nessie would be right across town. A quick jog, should my anxiety prove stronger than my willpower.
Charlie's status as police chief would mean little to any creatures capable of bothering either his daughter or mine, but I couldn't imagine something else showing up to threaten them.
Bella and Renesmee were perfectly safe. Of course they were.
I still didn't like it.
If I left now, I could beat them there! I could be lounging in the trees outside the Swan house within minutes, ready to open Bella's door as soon as the car pulled to a stop.
The compulsion to go, to chase after them, was hard to deny. I didn't move, except to shove my hands deeper in my pockets as I stood there, scowling out the wall-sized window at the empty driveway. There was just a bit of dust still hanging in the air, drifting slowly back to the earth after their passage.
The big house was alive around me. A moving, breathing thing, a whole other member of my family, giving us shelter and protection within its cool embrace. I felt like an ornament, a useless decoration from a bygone era, largely ignored by the house's many inhabitants as they went about their lives. If Alice were here, I imagined she might dance by just to dust me off now and again.
The rest of my family were happily entertaining our guests… exactly as I should have been doing. But I wasn't. Conversations that should have concerned me didn't seem all that important at the moment. I didn't want to hear more accounts of past battles and lives that had ended long before I was born.
And I certainly didn't want to listen to Vladimir and Stefan bemoaning the loss of their devoted human worshipers! The humans had willingly sacrificed themselves to feed their glittering, stone gods. Their remembered opulence sickened me. It was almost as bad as having the Volturi here.
How had Carlisle been able to stand living in Volterra? I supposed it was different for me, hearing and seeing the wanton murders in the Romanian's memories. It was good that Bella had taken Renesmee out for the day. She found them more fascinating than either Bella or I was comfortable with.
I ignored them all as best I could, replaying the events of the morning, looking for any hint in Bella's plans to indicate that she had wanted me to join her.
"I should call Charlie," Bella had announced this morning.
"That's a good idea," I'd said.
Bella had been fussing over the breakfast she'd been fixing for Renesmee, paying close attention to the vegetables she was slicing as though the knife were still dangerous to her. Nessie was in the rose garden with Jacob, avoiding the smells emanating from the kitchen. Her willingness to eat human food had increased since our house had begun filling with traditional vampires, but that didn't mean she wanted to smell it cooking.
I stayed out of the way, seating myself at the little table in the corner where I could watch Bella work. It wasn't easy to hide my amusement as she whisked the eggs into a frothy glob. Was she even aware of the faces she was making?
"It's been weeks since he saw us last," she'd said. "I was thinking I should take Renesmee to see him."
"True. If we wait too much longer, he might not recognize her."
Bella had nodded thoughtfully. "And we don't want him just showing up, unannounced."
"Certainly not," I'd agreed. "No point in taking chances, letting a human visit a house full of vampires, no matter how civilized we might be."
Bella ignored my droll humor, concentrating on pouring the bowl's contents over the simmering vegetables. The smell emanating from the pan was horrible already, but adding the eggs created a stench that was truly noxious. And she used to like eating that stuff?! I wondered if she could remember what it had smelled like to her human senses. With all that she did remember, I was sure she must. I wondered if she missed enjoying food smells. Considering how human food smelled now, I was rather glad to have lost those memories.
Despite the stench, I thoroughly enjoyed watching Bella putter around our little kitchen. Esme had installed all the best appliances, fully expecting they would never be used, and yet here Bella was, cooking in our home, for our daughter.
Incredible.
I sighed happily and rested my chin in one hand, feeling perfectly content, if only for the moment. I knew it couldn't last, but didn't that make each moment like this all the more precious?
Bella rolled her lip between her teeth and used a spatula to poke at the food in the pan.
"Would you like to drive?" I offered. "Your Ferrari has a full tank of gas, and I can just imagine the look on Charlie's face when we show up in that car."
Bella shot me an anxious look. I remembered his reaction to the Guardian, and guessed she was right to be concerned. Maybe the Ferrari was a bit much.
"Or we could take my Aston Martin if you prefer. You are still welcome to drive, of course. It's not quite as pretty as your car, but I think you'll find it's fast enough."
"Um." Bella turned back to poke at the omelet again. "Actually, I was thinking I should go alone. Just me and Renesmee, I mean."
I froze, aware that my smile and all the accompanying good feelings had abruptly vanished.
"Why?" I had to work to make my voice sound unconcerned.
"Well," Bella said, focusing on the food instead of looking at me. "I just think, you know, with all our witnesses here, that we shouldn't both leave. It would be rude. They're here for us, after all."
It made sense, of course. It would hardly be seemly for all three of us to leave. Sure, my parents and siblings were here to entertain our guests, but Nessie was our daughter. One of us should be here. And it would be good for them both, getting out of the house.
It felt wrong, regardless. Letting her go.
But how could I refuse her?
Bella met my eyes at last, and there was something strange in hers. Some indefinable worry. I could guess the source. Her fear when she'd been human had never been fear of me, but of my feelings. She always worried about upsetting me, and she must know this plan would make me unhappy.
Why, then, would she make it? She must have a reason, and I was sure it was a good one. If Bella wanted it, that should be good enough for me. She didn't need to be protected - from others or herself. I had no reason not to give her a calm smile and wish her a good visit with her father.
Without me.
I sighed again and glared out the window.
No, I hadn't been invited, but Jacob had.
I shouldn't feel any kind of jealousy toward him. I certainly wouldn't have minded his company if I'd been allowed to join them. Quite the opposite. It was only that… I wasn't invited. I was here, and Bella was there, and there was no universe in which that was okay.
I should stop sulking. It was childish. Bella would be home soon. Until then, I had training of my own I could be concentrating on.
Emmett really was the best. Without him, Eleazar and Garrett may never have graduated from reliving past battles. Thankfully, it sounded like they were planning on acting out a few of their own. If I couldn't take the tales of our guests in my current mood, I could, at least, make the most of the time I had been given. Working off a bit of my irritation and anxiety over a few wrestling matches seemed as good a way as any.
"Hey, count me in," I said as I determinedly turned my back on the empty driveway.
…too bad Bella took off.
I froze mid stride. I could see my expression in Emmett's thoughts, but didn't seem to be able to control it.
Woah, easy, kid. "I only meant…" …could have a fair fight for once, if Bella shielded everyone except you…
"Oh. Well, when she returns, you'll have to suggest that to her. But until then…" I braced myself and motioned him to go ahead and come at me, if he dared.
"Nu-uh, boys. Outside!"
How did Esme always know? She wasn't even in the room with us! Mothers must have a superpower all their own that let them simply know when their kids were misbehaving. It was the only explanation.
I decided to phone Charlie a dozen times as the day wore on. I could tell him I needed Bella to stop on the way home. Pick up milk or bread or something. That was a perfectly acceptable human thing, wasn't it?
I talked myself out of calling each time. She didn't need me checking on her. Bella deserved better than that. And I wouldn't have been checking on her, not really.
I just missed her.
Both of them.
I kept listening for Nessie, reaching for her thoughts, but they weren't there. She wasn't here.
It felt decidedly odd to be using my old room to clean up after fighting with Emmett and the others, but I couldn't bring myself to go to our cottage to change with Bella away. Her absence was heavy enough here. It was ridiculous, and I knew it. Bella was only a few miles from here, with her father. It wasn't like with Alice, who was gone somewhere far away, perhaps for good.
No one else seemed to find it strange that I should use what facilities were readily available.
But Bella still wasn't home!
It was fine. She was fine. I was sure she and Nessie and Charlie had a lot to catch up on… though as Nessie didn't speak to him and Bella couldn't exactly say much, I wasn't sure what they could have been doing all this time.
Finally deciding I'd had enough of pretending to be a part of the various conversations while really listening for the sound of my Volvo's tires on our driveway, I headed for the only other thing I could think to do. Music had always been so much more than a distraction, but I knew I could lose myself in it if I tried.
Words were not the only mode of communication, of course. Bella and Charlie were naturally quiet people. If I hadn't come into her life, I could easily imagine they would be sitting in the same kind of companionable silence as they probably were right now. No, more likely, their quiet space would be filled with Jacob's chatter, just as now. But that wouldn't matter, either. The simple sharing of their time and space would be enough. Bella might have secrets to hide now, but they didn't have to come between her and her father.
I was more grateful than ever that he didn't need to know what she couldn't say. He already knew the only thing that really mattered. Bella's love was a gift to be cherished in whatever form it took.
And then, at last, I heard a car I'd know anywhere turning onto our driveway. I had to laugh. Bella still drove so slow, she may as well have been in her old Chevy! I had plenty of time to put a satisfying finish to the song I'd been playing and morph it into the lullaby I'd composed for Bella not so long ago. It seemed like a lifetime ago.
Renesmee was sleeping. That must have been why Bella drove so slow. She didn't want to wake her, though our daughter could sleep through just about anything. It was probably that mother instinct again. Bella parked my Volvo in its place in the garage. I listened for the opening and closing of car doors as she pulled our still-sleeping daughter from the car, and finally, they were home again.
I turned to give Bella a smile when she opened the door. How good and right it felt to say, "Welcome home. Did you have a good time with Charlie today?"
Bella didn't spare a glance for anyone else, walking over to stand close to me as if she'd missed me as much as I'd missed her. "Yes. Sorry I was gone so long. I stepped out to do a little Christmas shopping for Renesmee. I know it won't be much of an event, but…"
My fingers stopped moving over the keys as she explained her long absence. Christmas! How had I forgotten all about our daughter's first Christmas? I turned and swung my legs over the bench so I could pull Bella closer.
"I hadn't thought much about it. If you want to make an event of it - "
As I spoke, the image formed in my head, of our entire house alight with color and strung with garland, a massive tree right here, beside my piano. One would fit there perfectly. Rose and Esme and Bella could help Nessie decorate it while I played Christmas carols for us all to sing along with.
If Alice were here, the house would already be dazzling. She wouldn't have forgotten!
"No," Bella interrupted me. "I just didn't want to let it pass without giving her something."
I supposed some things never changed. Bella didn't like birthdays either. Still, she'd gone out looking for, and had found, a gift. I couldn't imagine what Bella would feel worthy of our daughter. Neither could I imagine having to wonder about it until the big day.
"Do I get to see?" I asked.
"If you want. It's only a little thing." Bella riffled through the purse she carried while balancing Renesmee in one arm, her head lolling on Bella's shoulder, snoring like any toddler after a big day at their grandparent's house. Bella held up a small velvet bag and explained, "It caught my eye from the window of an antique store while I was driving by."
An antique. I should have guessed.
She tipped the bag up, spilling a little gold locket into the palm of my hand. I could see why it caught her eye. Simple but beautiful, the cold metal was brought to life by the vines that twined around the edges of the perfect circle.
I opened it, half expecting some long-dead suiter's avowal of love to his lady fair, perhaps a date that held significance to the original owners.
One side had the typical place for a photo. The other had an inscription which read, Plus que ma propre vie.
More than my own life.
Bella was my life, but our daughter was so much more. There was truth in the simple statement, but I felt it meant something else, too. Bella had already proved it. She would sacrifice her own life if doing so meant saving our daughter, and I could no longer fault her for that choice.
Of course, if it came to that, I wouldn't outlive her for long, but by God, I'd make my death count!
As Bella was intending to do, regardless? Did she expect our witnesses to fail? Was this why she'd been training so hard? Did she, like so many of our guests, believe a fight was inevitable? And this message, did it mean she believed laying her life down was inevitable, too?
"Do you know what this says?" I asked.
"The shopkeeper told me it said something along the lines of 'more than my own life.' Is that right?"
"Yes, he had it right."
I looked away from the little gold locket into Bella's golden eyes. What was she thinking? The question burned on my tongue, but I didn't give it voice.
It could have been a simple coincidence of wording. Bella didn't speak French, and the message had already been there when she spotted the locket. It didn't necessarily mean Bella was still planning on acting as a diversion. Not after all her progress with her shield! Not when our witnesses would stop Aro before Bella's shield was even necessary!
I only held her gaze for a few seconds before something on the television caught her attention. I watched her watching it. She didn't look back at me. Avoiding my gaze on purpose?
Something felt off. Something had felt off all day! It was more than her absence. Bella wasn't that good an actress. She had left me behind quite deliberately, as if thousand year old vampires required babysitting. As if our witnesses might think the three of us had decided to run.
I didn't have to assume the worst.
Alice had left me behind, too. And since then, she had sent four witnesses to help protect us while she did whatever else her visions were prompting. I may not fully understand her plans, but I knew Alice, and I knew she had at least one.
Bella didn't have visions to guide her, but she always acted with purpose. She claimed to have spotted the locket while driving by. I couldn't picture her aimlessly cruising Forks for hours, hoping something in some random storefront would appeal, even if the little logging town had been large enough to warrant such a quest.
It reminded me of the day that awful Mike Newton had asked Bella to the girl's choice dance, and her sudden plans to be in Seattle on the day in question. It had been a clear excuse to avoid saying no to him, and to the others that followed. This shopping seemed more like an excuse to be out of the house, and not the real reason at all, but if there had been some ulterior motive for her prolonged absence, I had no idea what it could be.
For all I knew, Bella could have been tracking down some as yet unrevealed supernatural friends of hers from Phoenix who would show up just in time to save the day. It seemed as plausible an explanation as any.
"I hope she likes it," Bella mumbled.
"Of course she will." My voice sounded natural and easy to my ears. As if there was nothing more to it than any normal parents' concerns over making their daughter happy on her first Christmas.
Now Bella did look at me, a quick darting of her eyes to mine and then away again.
Her one quick look was all it took. Just like that, the electricity hummed to life within me.
Whatever she was hiding, her secrets didn't have to come between us any more than protecting our secret kept her from her father. Wasn't it her mysteries that had fascinated me from the start?
This one would torment me, the curiosity ate at me already, but I needed to be strong, like she was strong. If it was hard for me, Bella keeping secrets, how much more difficult must it be for her to keep them? If this mystery didn't solve itself by the time the Volturi left, I could ask her then. In the meantime, I'd been too long apart from her. The hours had crept by, more empty than the century before Bella had come into my life, and now that she was here again, in my arms, I wanted more.
I stood and slid an arm up, around her shoulders, my hand coming to rest beside Renesmee's cheek, where I could feel the warmth of her steady breaths. Bella's absence wasn't the only one I'd felt today, but Renesmee wouldn't wake until morning. Normal parents would be putting their sleeping child in its bed, and likely be grateful for the quiet night and extra alone time.
We had so little time.
"Let's take her home," I suggested.
I expected Bella to look at me with either relief that I wasn't pressing her for information or with a hunger that matched my own, but instead, she frowned and pulled away. It might have been a fraction of an inch, but after the day apart, it felt like she'd just placed the width of the room between us.
"What?" I demanded. Allowing Bella to keep her secrets, I could handle. Her rejection, I could not, and didn't understand.
Bella's expression turned apologetic. "I wanted to practice with Emmett a little…"
"Excellent," said Emmett from where he was cuddling with Rosalie on the couch. "The forest needs thinning."
When I turned my frown on him, he stayed where he was, although his grin broadened slightly, tauntingly. You can join us, if you want, if you're not scared.
But I was afraid.
An unpleasant chill had settled in my stomach. Bella wanted to practice fighting. She may as well have just explicitly confirmed my suspicions. Bella expected to act as a diversion, a sacrifice, even now!
I turned back to look into Bella's troubled eyes. She was the only person in the world who could truly hide anything from me. She wouldn't hide things if she didn't feel she had to, of that I was sure.
So, what did she know that I didn't?
I couldn't even ask. I wasn't supposed to know.
The curiosity burned. What had Bella been up to today? It wouldn't be the first time she'd snuck off to do something she felt I wouldn't approve of. Or run off to sacrifice herself! It was well within her capabilities to calmly go about making preparations for her own demise. Hers, and no one else's.
I couldn't bear the idea.
Eternity without her was intolerable. The thought of losing any of my family in this stupid, pointless attack was intolerable! But to lose Bella…
The need for her was abruptly overwhelming. We were supposed to have had eternity. All I was guaranteed were these next two weeks. A handful of days, really. And today was already lost.
Since her change, Bella's days had belonged to our family, but her nights, well, those would always be mine.
It was late, and Nessie was fast asleep. Was I to spend our precious nighttime hours watching Bella train for battle? A battle I couldn't bear to think would actually take place? Watching her fight with Emmett or Garrett or Tanya or any of the others, I would not be able to stop myself from imagining the Volturi in their place.
The decision was already made. It had never even been a question. Not tonight.
"There's plenty of time for that tomorrow," I said.
Bella's eyes flashed. Anger? Fear? I couldn't be sure.
"Don't be ridiculous. There's no such thing as plenty of time anymore. That concept does not exist. I have a lot to learn and - "
"Tomorrow," I insisted.
This time, I held her eyes. I wasn't sure what she saw in mine, but her objections melted away.
She was absolutely right, of course. And that was exactly the problem. Time. There was never enough of it.
The days raced by as if someone had their finger on the universe's fast forward button. Each morning, the sun's rays pulled us from our cottage after what seemed like seconds. Bella trained with her shield - thankfully with Zafrina's assistance now, rather than Kate's - and practiced her fighting skills with vampire speed and focus, and a newfound ferocity that tightened the cold knot of fear that had come to live in my stomach. Before I knew it, twilight would come again.
The fear was worse when I wasn't actively doing something. Bella and Zafrina seemed to prefer having Renesmee's help and didn't need me so much, but if I couldn't bring myself to join Emmett and whomever he was fighting, neither did I want to stand around, uselessly watching.
Instead, I did what I could with Carlisle and the others, though my main usefulness in their strategizing was arguably as the resident spy in their midst.
I was all the proof Aro needed that we meant no treachery. The Romanians' plans notwithstanding, of course. We were innocent. We intended only to defend our innocence, and yes, to defend ourselves, should the need arise.
It was vital that Aro know this. It was vital he see that we all felt it. This was my role. With one touch of my hand, I could show Aro that we, all of us, were innocent.
Er… again, all of us aside from Vladimir and Stefan. But we could hardly be held responsible for the Romanians or their vendettas.
Bella's excursion had reminded me that our daughter's first Christmas was not something I should ignore. After rummaging through my dwindling stock of jewels and finding nothing that appealed, I realized Nessie was my daughter too, and if there was one thing we shared, it was a love of music.
Bella approved of antiques and hand-me-downs, but she also liked handmade gifts. Music was one thing I could give our daughter that no one else could. Alice had set up the recording equipment last year when I'd made a CD of myself playing for Bella, and it was easy enough to put everything back in place now.
I ordered an MP3 player, one with enough memory to hold the best of my massive collection. By the time it arrived, I had several hours of my own compositions ready to upload. I made sure to include a few of Nessie's favorites, but mostly I just thought of my daughter and these last months with her, and let the music take me where it would.
I wanted Renesmee to hear the joy she brought to my life. I wanted her to hear the awe I felt when I looked at her. I wanted her to know that no matter what happened, she was worth it. The music made a strange counterpoint to the background tension in the house.
For all that Bella might claim she had been out looking for a Christmas present that day, she had completely forgotten about Charlie, reinforcing my feeling that her shopping had been an excuse. When I asked, just two days before Christmas, she admitted to having gotten him nothing,
Thankfully, it was a simple matter to order some high-tech fishing gear. With Charlie, a gift involving fishing was a pretty safe bet, but I'd seen him picture the sonar system often enough over the summer to know. I was just glad they were able to have it overnighted to us.
Christmas morning dawned gray and overcast. I didn't hope for a white Christmas. The Volturi were expected with the snow, and it was much too early for them, but the clouds provided a nice cover.
We weren't Charlie's only visitors. Jacob and all his pack, even Leah, as well as Sam, Emily, and Sue came over.
I'd missed Seth! His boisterous good cheer was infectious. The whole pack was rowdy, and it was hard to believe so many large bodies could fit themselves into the small Swan kitchen. I wasn't sure if they were actually helping Sue or just getting in the way, but they kept the house alive with laughter while they ate the food as fast as it could be made ready.
It was good to relax, to be away from the big house and the dozens of vampire minds with their constant thoughts of the impending battle. Charlie knew nothing of the coming army, though the wolves' thoughts buzzed with reckless excitement.
Ugh! They were such children! They reminded me of myself around their ages. The war had dominated my world, and, oh, how eager I'd been to run off and join it. Difference was, this war was coming to them, to us, and there was no running. I was grateful for their willingness to help, of course, but did they have to be so enthusiastic for something that might well be the end of us all?
Charlie was blissfully ignorant. He knew nothing of the tension and fear that had been my constant companion for weeks now. His thoughts were, so far as I could tell, full of a kind of muted satisfaction. I caught the word Grandpa in his mind more than once, followed by a mental chuckle.
The large crowd gave me an excuse, should I have needed one, to keep Bella close to me. With all the guests and limited seating, it was only polite that we free up a chair. Charlie couldn't exactly say anything, what with Sue perched on his own lap and Emily on Sam's, but I did keep my hands from roaming where they shouldn't. Married, we might be, but Charlie was still Bella's father, and I'd been raised to be a gentleman.
The only thing missing was my own family, but the Swan house was crowded as it was, and it really wouldn't have been right for all of us to leave.
There would be other holidays after this one, celebrations that could include both our families. For now, this was enough. More than enough. For this one day, at least, I got a taste of another life, a life that I used to believe was forever beyond my reach. Yet here I was, celebrating Christmas with my wife and child, my father-in-law, and our extended family.
Werewolves, vampires, humans, and a half-human. Family, all. If this didn't prove to Aro that he had no reason to fear us, then nothing could.
Bella's father didn't appear to notice her abstraction, but I felt there was a definite lack of enthusiasm to Bella's voice and a tightening around her eyes that didn't match the atmosphere of celebration. I would have been surprised if her father picked up on her mood. Charlie had always turned a blind eye to what he didn't want to see where Bella was concerned, and today, he had a new toy to occupy him.
Charlie spent most of the afternoon far too absorbed in the instruction manual for his gift to notice much of anything. Even when I forgot myself a few times and answered someone before they could speak, relaxing maybe a bit too much in the absence of all the vampire minds, Charlie remained oblivious.
One benefit to the day with Charlie, I had proof that Bella's mood and my telepathy weren't the only things he was oblivious to. It seemed easier for him to just pretend we were all human rather than think on the fact that, Sue and Emily aside, all of his guests today had been something other than human.
There was no need, absolutely none at all, for Aro to concern himself with Bella's father. If there was one thing I could read in Charlie's quiet mind, it was his love for his only child, and for our child, as well. Aro could count on him to remain deliberately oblivious. Charlie would protect his daughter, and that meant protecting her secret… which he didn't really know enough about to tell anybody anything anyway!
While it was an enjoyable day all in all, Bella wasn't the only one who seemed relieved when it was time for us to go. Charlie was no more used to playing host to a houseful of guests than I had been.
I almost envied him the sleep he was looking forward to. I craved the comfort of oblivion, the chance to turn off my mind and the background chatter and the constant trickle of terror eating away at the hope that we might all survive to see next week. Almost. If these were to be my last days with Bella, I didn't want to miss any of it in unconsciousness.
Humans spent a third of their lives asleep. It seemed such a waste of their already limited time. Yet another reason to be glad Bella and I were both vampires now. What time we had, we would spend together.
