I'm trying hard to finish this before I go back to school. It has been a great journey, but it has eaten up many hours of free time... which is why I love writing it. I can totally understand why writers have love-hate relationships with their writing.

Date: 1/12/14 - (edited 30 Apr 2020)

Disclaimers: Miyazaki's characters, except for Tersa, Kitson, and Jarel. Those folks are mine. ;)


Chapter 22: Doubts and Concerns

Over the next few days, Nausicaa stayed with Asbel, catching a glimpse of his everyday life in Pejite. They still spent a majority of their time watching over his mother, although Asbel occasionally had to leave for other orders of business with the Pejite ruling authorities. Small encouragements gradually came their way: a slight twitch of a finger, slight eye movements beneath closed eyelids, an almost imperceptible squeeze of the hand - all signifying that his mother was indeed recovering.

Whenever permissible, the Pejite brought Nausicaa along with him on his errands, until the girl ended up meeting his inner circle of colleagues and friends, and even Asbel's father, the Mayor of Pejite himself. Internally she was a little intimidated meeting people of such significance, both on a national level and within Asbel's life, but she handled every interaction with poise and her amiable charm. The girl Ketcha annoyed her though; she could have sworn the foreign lady gave her such airs and glared at her a few times when Asbel kept Nausicaa by his side. Nevertheless, on the whole she felt very welcomed and comfortable in the land of Pejite.

Asbel had just finished a council meeting when he decided to take Nausicaa for a walk in the hills surrounding the Palace. At the moment they stood at a vantage point that overlooked the entire country; one could see past the suburban homes to the edge of Sea of Decay. Nausicaa marveled at the nation before her, now completely rebuilt and steadily expanding.

"Such resilient people here," she breathed. "This country is beautiful."

"Imagine how wonderful it would be if you stayed..." He coaxed, coming to stand beside her. A smile tugged at the corner of her lips; he intended to find every opportunity to capitalize on her softhearted tendencies and persuade her to settle down in Pejite.

"Stay with me, please." He whispered, as he carefully tucked a wisp of auburn hair behind her ear.

"And when the time comes, rule with me." His voice sounded so appealing that her heart desperately wanted to oblige.

Her thoughts drifted into imaginary realms: she was mingling with the people of Pejite, maintaining a livelihood in the Palace, and continuing to see Asbel every day. The vision looked positively sublime. The two of them could explore and grow their affection for each other, with their love potentially blossoming into a lifetime of joy. She wanted it, rather desperately... and for a half second, she lamented her inherited role as the Princess of the Valley.

"I would love to, but I can't - not right now at least." She explained gently. "I have a country too."

"I suppose nothing I say or do will convince you?"

"You mean convince me to choose you over my people?" She retorted, a little sarcastically. It truly wasn't an option. Even if her heart sincerely wanted to leave everything behind for him, she certainly did not have a choice for now but to stay in the Valley and lead her people.

"No, I know I can't ask that." He sighed dejectedly, looking down at the ground. "I know I shouldn't."


Around her sixth day in Pejite, Nausicaa awoke earlier than usual, quickly brewed a batch of medicine, and headed towards her patient's room with a steaming cup of mulsa extract in hand. Upon entering, the girl placed the medicine on the bedside table and observed the woman, still unconscious, lying on the bed. Thankfully the color of her face grew more and more vibrant each day, and her wheezing had reverted to calm, even breaths. It would only be a matter of time before she would emerge from her long period of silence.

"Good morning, my lady." Nausicaa sang respectfully. "I hope you're feeling better today." Even though the girl knew her first name, she still treated her elders with respect. The young woman walked over to the window.

"I'm just going to open the blinds a bit." She informed the silent room. "It won't be direct sunlight, just a little brightness." Nausicaa delicately tugged open the curtains a couple inches and absorbed the landscape for a minute.

"What a lovely day..." She commented, then began organizing the room. All the while she kept talking to Asbel's mother, as if she were a close friend sitting there listening to her.

"Asbel's still sleeping, although I'm sure he'll be here soon. He checks on you first thing in the morning." The young lady chirped. Presently she leaned out over the edge, focusing her attention on something outside.

"Is that a garden down below?" She mused out loud. "I might have to go downstairs to take a look at it later today."

"Does it have a fountain in the middle?" An unknown female voice chimed from behind; it sounded lower and older, but still rang of kindness.

The girl swiftly whirled around, hardly believing her ears; Asbel's mother had turned her head towards the window and was observing Nausicaa from the bed.

"Hello!" The princess chimed excitedly; her heart was ecstatic and she was internally leaping with gladness. "Yes it has a fountain."

"That's Lastelle's Garden. I had it designed three years ago."

The Princess wasn't even looking at the garden anymore, but was gazing warmly into the eyes of Asbel's mother. The woman, who looked in her sixties, had lost considerable weight until her face appeared rather thin and gaunt. However, the Pejite woman returned the smile with a lively twinkle in her eyes, clearly aware of everything around her. Nausicaa swiftly approached the bed.

"How are you feeling?" The princess breathed, still incredulous that she was having a conversation with the woman.

"Nausicaa, am I right?" The girl nodded. "You have grown even more beautiful since the last time I saw you." She was about to thank her for the compliment when Asbel entered the room.

"Mother?" The man was so stunned that he stood frozen in the doorway, eyes wider than ever.

"Hello dear!" His mother replied rather cheerfully. Overcome with both relief and delight, Nausicaa felt tears pricking the back of her eyes and uttered something between a cry and a laugh. Suddenly she remembered the cup of tea next to the bed.

"I almost forgot; this is the medicine that is helping you heal. You should drink it while it's still warm."

"Oh? The one you fished out of, what was it... Merinth right?" Nausicaa exhibited a look of pure astonishment, while Asbel stared at his mother. The older woman began chuckling at the priceless expressions on their faces.

"You actually heard me?" Asbel returned, and exchanged glances with Nausicaa. The princess laughed at Asbel's disturbed expression.

"What else did you tell her?"


"Are you sure Ketcha doesn't have feelings for you?" Nausicaa asked rather abruptly after a dinner with some of his friends. The man chuckled, and in the moment of distraction nearly dropped the entire tablespoon of sugar in his tea. He currently stood at the kitchen counter, making tea for the both of them, and added just a little under half a teaspoon into Nausicaa's cup, exactly how she liked it.

"Nausicaa!" He retorted good-naturedly. "Ketcha is a friend." With an amused smile on his face, he handed her the cup, and leaned against the counter.

"Alright. But be cautious around her;" The Princess replied ominously, wearing a frown. "She might be the type to try something on you if you let your guard down."

She recalled the number of times she caught Ketcha staring at Asbel, asking him for small favors like passing food at the table, and hovering nearby. It happened enough times for Nausicaa to be just a little suspicious of underlying motives.

"Very well, I'll be careful." His smooth, lilting voice floated to her and the girl smiled shyly in return, hanging onto every word as it left his lips to enchant her heart. The man placed his mug on the counter and turned towards her; the woman mirrored his actions and before long his arms had slipped around her waist. Right as she gazed up at him affectionately, the dismal thought strayed across her mind again.

"I'm going to miss you when I leave," she breathed, a little melancholically.

"You can always come visit." He encouraged.

"Perhaps I will," she replied.

"You're not in a hurry to leave are you?"

Nausicaa paused to think. It was nearing a week since the rest of the team had returned to the Valley, and she wondered how they were faring... Before her thoughts could travel too far, she unawarely lost herself in the hazel eyes staring expectantly at her, and threw all concerns to the back of her mind, to be dealt with later.

"No real hurry. Besides, I want to watch your mother for a few more days yet."

"Good; I was worried you might leave tomorrow."

"I'll have to leave eventually," She sighed miserably, while he sent her a look of pure heartbreak and a slight pout. "I can't run away from it forever."

"Can we still see each other?"

"I could fly to Pejite every weekend…" She trailed off at how strange it sounded when it left her lips, and Asbel similarly furrowed his brows at the idea.

"That's an awful lot of flying."

"I know," She sighed. "I really have no idea how this is going to work."

"We'll deal with it when we get there. You're the one that reminded me that worrying isn't the same as doing, remember?"

She responded with a somewhat strained smile.

Later that night she tossed and turned in bed, unable to sleep and feeling deeply troubled. She needed to return to the Valley and remain there indefinitely with her people; that much was clear to her. Her mind plagued her with concerns about the practicality of the relationship between them. While she did not doubt the sincerity of Asbel's affection, she hated to think of how much torture, inconvenience, and hardship she would be putting him through. Worse yet, what if she would be preventing him from finding a more suitable partner in his own country? She thought about Ketcha and the lovely group of similar-aged people she had met in the last week, all genuinely kind and devoted to him. It killed her to imagine him happily living the rest of his life in Pejite without her and she wept bitterly into her pillow. Nausicaa knew how deeply she loved him: it would either be him or no one at all. But she had seen the cruelty of fate and the harsh reality of life, and she dared not to dream overly optimistically.

Tormented by her conscience, she eventually fell asleep, only to be intermittently woken throughout the night by troubled thoughts.


The sky was overcast, while the air felt thick and heavy with gloominess. The couple had spent their morning together, just the two of them, not doing much of anything other than staying near each other. Few words were exchanged; Nausicaa had her things packed but didn't want to say anything to Asbel about it. Her heart might shatter to pieces at the look on his face if she told him. Asbel similarly knew from her expression that she was probably going to leave today. If she wanted to reach the Valley by nightfall, the latest time she could possibly leave would be early afternoon. He looked outside and tried to find the sun obscured by clouds; it seemed to want to hide from reality as well.

Silently she approached where he sat and took his hand in both of hers, before hesitantly looking up to see hazel eyes that were calm but downcast.

"You have to go, don't you." Asbel murmured.

"Yes," she hushed solemnly.

"What happens to us now? Will we still see each other?" He asked. The increasingly forlorn expressions he observed on her over the last few days had left him rather worried about their future.

"I don't know..." She trailed off. This was the unavoidable conversation she had lost sleep over, and she wondered if she would have the courage to push through it.

"Why? What's bothering you?"

"Asbel, what if it's not meant to be?" She breathed; the Pejite stared back at her, appalled and concerned.

"What do you mean?"

"You belong in Pejite, and I belong in the Valley. It's a day's worth of flying each way."

"I know," he replied, a little apprehensively.

"Our lives and our worlds will be completely separated from each other. We won't be able to see each other or hold one another for days at a time."

"And...?" He prodded, fearful of her answer.

"How will we stay together when everything is trying to tear us apart? How long can we keep that up?" She lamented; her voice wasn't angry, but held frustration and pain.

"As long as it takes, until we're together again." He replied with determination.

"But can you hold onto hope? Without any guarantee and in blind faith that I'll make it back to you?" He narrowed his eyes slightly; was she not as serious as him about being together eventually?

"Do I matter so little to you?" He rumbled, the slightest hint of accusation in his voice. Delicate hands squeezed firmly at his question.

"You matter; so much. More than you know." She uttered, her voice achingly earnest. "But even if my heart wants it, some things are out of my control. We might never end up in the same country."

"You don't know that."

"True, I don't." She sighed resignedly. "But I can't ask you to wait - it wouldn't be fair to you. And I don't dare make promises that I can't keep."

"What are you trying to say?" He asked nervously.

"Don't wait for me, for your own good. Look around you and keep your options open." His heart stilled in his chest at her preposterous suggestion.

"No." He replied firmly. Her expression faltered as agony flashed across her eyes.

"My dearest, love is hard enough already; how much harder will it be for us?" She paused, and looked at him wistfully.

"There's lots of eligible women in Pejite... what if there's someone out there who can take better care of you, stay beside you and devote all her time to you, who doesn't have to lead her own country?"

"But they aren't you! They mean nothing to me!" He snarled ferociously. She hesitated, as grief spread across her features.

"I don't want to give you up either," she confessed fervently, as tears began to well in her eyes. "But I fear that holding onto you might be the most selfish thing I could do to you."

"If you don't want to do it either, then why force it?"

"Because I am trying to save you from the cruel fate of being tied down by me." She whispered helplessly. "Which do you think is the greater act of love: stubbornly holding you down, or letting you go to find someone who might make you happier?"

"But no one is going to come close," He growled in objection. "None of the women in Pejite are worth an ounce of my attention - not compared to you."

"I know." She replied with a rueful smile, then turned serious again. "Forgive me."

"Why do you keep saying goodbye like it's the last time I'll see you?" He pressed, still not fully understanding her logic. Was it so impossible to see each other? Surely a days' worth of flying would be manageable, albeit inconvenient?

"It's not by choice." She answered cryptically. "For now... I need to go home."

She gazed at him for several moments with pure heartbreak on her countenance, then flung herself at him and gave him the most desperate embrace he had ever received. Her arms encircled him tighter than he'd ever felt before, so tight that her muscles shook and her body trembled. Then he realized the trembles were silent, pitiful sobs. Asbel felt tears pricking the back of his eyes in response, and called her name, gently and solemnly, causing her to hold him all the tighter. The embrace seemed to last for an eternity, but eternity was still too short when they drew away.

Anguish consumed her soul as she released her grip on the one man she knew she would love for the rest of her life. Hastily she steadied herself and controlled her emotions again; she didn't want this to be his last memory of her. When Nausicaa finally drew away, her expression was sedated to the point of being impassive. The woman gazed deeply into amber eyes full of emotion that begged her not to leave.

"Take care of yourself." She breathed calmly, but her eyes gave away her sorrow as they shined with tears. She began to rise from her seat, but his hand grasped her arm.

"Wait, Nausicaa- you're leaving, just like that?"

The girl longingly took the hand holding onto her, then leaned forward to place a kiss on his forehead. For several seconds her lips lingered, then drew away. Without another word she left the room and headed for the Valley.

"What am I supposed to do now?" He mumbled to himself, bewildered and unsure.


AN: It would have been really funny if I threw detailed Ketcha-Nausica-Asbel dialogues in here too, just so I could thoroughly squash that ship to smithereens. Alas I haven't finished the manga so I don't have a good grasp on Ketcha's personality aside from her grammatical errors and I don't really know what kind of history they have...

Since writing the old ch 22, I have loved and unwillingly left someone across the Atlantic Ocean (SOB) - so I used a lot of material from my own thoughts to add to the story... I thought of him often as I wrote this chapter...