At times I found myself reminiscing Kentucky Autumns spent gazing at the abundance of beauty brought by the regeneration of life; the colorful leaves, the congregating of birds as they began their migratory seasons and the rest of the wildlife that prepared for the coming of winter. October was the official launch of my favorite part of the year and I would celebrate with your basic essentials – pumpkin spice everything, sweater weather and a stockpile of Bath and Body Works' fall scented candles. November would soon follow suit with Thanksgiving, though with only my grandparents to share the feast with we would inevitably invite close friends, dubbing it "Friendsgiving". MeMaw would spend hours in the kitchen whisking and baking her love into each dish and refusing every offer of assistance.

Christmas was an entirely different level of magical. MeMaw and I would beg Pop to pull the dusty boxes from the attic prior to our Thanksgiving meal so that we could begin decorating, and each year he would oblige us. As a child we would wait until closer to Christmas to cut down a tree, but with the growing popularity and less maintenance of artificial we opted into the purchase. However, the ornaments and décor would never change, MeMaw had collected antique ornaments for years and was adamant on keeping the traditions alive year after year. Some of my favorites were a full set of Santa's reindeer, Comet being my preferred favorite, a single silver jingle bell and a glass pickle ornament that she would hide deep in the tree for me to find in order to have good luck for the new year. The rest of the house would be adorned with garland, candles, lights, and holiday knick knacks that she would pick up from department stores each year.

Kentucky held so many fond memories, but I had never stopped to realize how much I would miss it. That little house was my childhood wonderland.

London was my new wonderland, full of a group of people I could now call my family.

Nearly a year spent here, working alongside Jocelyn as assistant stylist in her booming design studio, Cain & Co. Our friendship had quickly blossomed as we found common interest and ideas; I admired her tenacity and quick wit, as well as her ability to have compassion for all types of people. Her promise had been to offer bespoke suits to women of all classes, as well as custom gowns, and her designs were proudly displayed to the patrons of Saville Row alongside some of the best designers and tailors, including our very own Kingsman Tailor Shop. From business attire to accessories, Jocelyn designed it all and I was her willing victim to fittings and try ons. It was a wonderful 'job' to come into work each morning and mingle with clients, but the real magic was behind the curtains.

As promised, while the shop was fully functional and profitable, it served as a front for Kingsman. After near annihilation by Poppy Adams, Kingsman was still working to rebuild, Cain & Co. served as a steppingstone towards to new order. With the help of our very own technical support operative, Ector, we were able to design and create a boutique that resembled a more feminine motif of the original Kingsman Tailor Shop, now rebuilt with the same classic charm as before. Both shops intercepted to a labyrinth of tunnels below Saville Row that lead to Kingsman headquarters. Jocelyn, Ector, and I worked in some hi-tech features that only Kingsman members would have knowledge of and access to, such as a hideaway arms compartment below the clerk's desk, fingerprint recognition behind the trifold mirror and advanced security throughout the building.

Ector also made a point of installing security in my new home, a quaint townhome mere blocks from Saville Row. I had expressed to Arthur after months of living within headquarters that I yearned for the privacy of my own home but understood the stipulation of proximity. As someone who once lived off grounds himself, he was understanding, and it took a tremendous load off my plate as I attempted to settle into this new style of living.

I was able to turn the empty and slightly outdated space into a home to my liking and style. The exterior had been recently updated, though minimally, the brick was the same neutral colors as the townhomes surrounding and the trim painted a fresh coat of white, but I had specifically asked to paint the craftsman style door black to accent the new railings along the pavement. Jocelyn had connections to install flower boxes in the windows on the lower level as well as maintain the potted shrubbery she placed on either side of my doorsteps. For the interior I wanted to follow the flow of the floor plan and keep it as open as possible, so I went with an earthy bohemia style with a modern twist. It was comfortable and homey, something I hadn't fully experienced at headquarters simply because it wasn't solely mine.

After struggling to find my place here I was finally feeling more optimistic, and I think my friends were picking up on it, no one more so than Eggsy. In the nine months I had been in London we spent a great deal of time together trying to figure out where our relationship should start and where it was heading.

I've had very little experience in the relationship department, so all of this was unexplored territory for me, but Eggsy was patient and reassuring. I never felt pressure to say or do anything that I wasn't comfortable with; titles being at the top of the list. I've never found the title of 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend' appealing as it sounded immature and school aged, maybe because I was raised by an old married couple with old fashioned ideas of relationships. I had asked if we could nix the formality of it and instead introduce each other normally but use body language as an identifier (i.e. arm around the waist, kiss on the cheek, holding hands, etc.).

Sex was another hurdle that I struggled to overcome. I wasn't a virgin by any means (we all have our own crazy teen escapade stories), but with Eggsy things were different. I was conscience of my feelings towards him, but also hesitant on how something so sentimental and physical would change our standing. The first time was amazing, he was slow and attentive to my needs and boundaries which made the moment even more glorious and enjoyable.

Our relationship grew stronger afterwards, but I found myself surprisingly nervous at the intensity at which it was growing. I was self-conscience at first to voice these feelings to Eggsy, but he's not oblivious, and even though I sensed his disappointment I knew he understood and pumped the breaks a bit to give me space. I thought I was ready for all of this, but I was slowly finding that I was struggling with maintaining a relationship I undoubtedly wanted while also finding my niche in a new country and a new organization with a new title.

We were at headquarters packing up the remainder of my meager belongings to be moved the following day into my new home. I'd inadvertently been avoiding physical contact with Eggsy for the better part of the day and been abnormally quiet, at least in his opinion.

Eggsy had placed one of the last boxes on the stack accumulating by the bookshelves, I was busying myself with brushing down Rufus' fur as he watched on. "You alright?"

I stilled, glancing up as Eggsy slid his hands into the front pockets of his hooded jacket. I thought about my answer briefly before giving a half assed reply, "Yeah, I'm fine."

He wasn't convinced, and really who could blame him?

"You sure?" He made his way slowly over to the chaise Rufus and I were currently occupying, "You've been quiet today." Eggsy stopped at the accent table that served as a divide between the sitting area and the actual bedroom. "What is it?"

This was the moment that I had to take pause and really think through what was churning within my brain. I had to rationalize my thoughts and feelings as to whether or not it was something that was worth bringing to his attention. What if whatever I was experiencing was chalked up the stress of these new experiences in London rather than actual concerns for our relationship? What if I was blowing this all out of proportion? Would he still be so understanding if I told him I needed a bit more space? Am I pushing him away? What if it's all just moving to fast; the move, a new job and now us? These were all questions I had been asking myself for a while now but came crashing down within an instant.

I stared at him, not fully knowing what to say. I was aware of the fact that I needed to say something, but words seemed to fail me in the most inconvenient times. Rufus nudged my hand and I looked down to realize that I had stopped brushing him.

"I don't know," I began the trivial task of brush a dog that no longer needed grooming, but I simply continued to give myself something to do as I spoke, something to keep my eyes from wondering to the man across from me.

"I've been feeling…off…lately." I paused to search for the right words again. "I'm not sure what it is, but I just feel like…like I'm being swept away by all of this." I could physically feel the tension rising in the room and I dared to peek at Eggsy who stood still as a statue, watching me expectantly. "Maybe I need to slow down…"

Eggsy shifted his weight, "What do you mean?"

I finally found the courage to look at him, but what I expected was not what I was receiving. I was expecting resentment, annoyance or even anger, but instead I found honest confusion as if he was trying to piece the puzzle together without forcing words from my mouth.

"I mean…I'm moving half of my life across the world and attempting to place roots here." I said it in almost a whisper, the guilt of what I was saying eating away at me. "Maybe I need to concentrate on this for now."

Without being so forward I think what I was saying finally registered. I wasn't saying I needed complete space, rather opportunity to put myself first in order to meet a need. What I was saying was true, I was keeping my family home in Kentucky, but moving items and valuables that I wanted with me here. It was important to find a space that I could call my own and turn into a home so that I could eventually share that space with my friends and Eggsy. Maybe it was the irrational part in me, but I felt shameful for putting that need before him.

Eggsy moved forward to kneel in front of me and it took my best effort to avoid eye contact with him, but he was having none of that; he gently cupped my cheek and lifted my head to meet his gaze, there was a softness there that made my heart bottom out.

"I get it." He dropped his hand into mine, interlacing our fingers and cupping them into his other hand. We both stared at them for a moment, seemingly mesmerized by the circular pattern he was tracing along the back of my hand. "If you need time…", he paused as if second guessing what he was about to say, "I'll give it to ya."

I quickly brought my attention to his face, panicked by his words. "Eggsy, that's not what I meant. I-I just need-"

He stopped me by removing his hands from mine and placing them on either side of my face, gently sliding them along my jaw line until his fingers touched my hairline. "Hey, it's okay." I quickly dropped the grooming brush in my other hand as Eggsy took my hands again to lift me from the chaise, standing over me by at least six inches. As one hand nestled itself on my waist line the other resumed its caresses against my cheek, I place one of my own on his forearm.

"I know what you meant, and it's okay. You got a lot on your plate right now, yeah?" I nodded, feeling a tightness in my throat blossoming. "I ain't going nowhere. If you need me, I'm right here."

The tightening was growing, taking over as the damn I'd been trying to hold back for weeks began to falter. My own voice sounded weak, pained, and scared, "I don't…I don't want to push you away."

Eggsy chuckled and placed both hands around my waist to pull me into his embrace. "You can try, but like I said," he pulled back slightly, and I moved to stare back at him, "I ain't going nowhere."

I relaxed into his arms, secure in the feeling of his weight around me, but also fighting the internal battle inside. I tried to concentrate on something else to calm myself, Eggsy's scent being one of them. It wasn't an overly sweet scent, rather a citrus infusion paired with earthy tones. Perhaps cedar or sandalwood? Whatever it was, it was intoxicating, and I found myself constantly craving it. It helped to calm me some, but I could feel the dam cracking and the tears welling up, threatening to fall with a blink of an eye. I again tried to find something to concentrate on, this time watching as Rufus eyed the both of us. His amber eyes danced between us, his face nestled between his front paws, he looked like a concerned puppy.

Immediately, I pulled away from Eggsy's embrace and began to franticly brush away the tears that had escaped. I felt embarrassment to be crying, but my tears were more out of frustration from the turmoil building inside. It was hard to express that to the man before me.

"I'm sorry. Just…give me a minute, please?" I stepped back, wrapping my arms around my middle to encase myself into my own little cocoon. The grounds outside of my bedroom were empty and I was able to enjoy the view of the overcast skies and evergreen trees in the distance; it wasn't quite like home, but it was close. Pop would frequently take me on hunting trips in the woods only a few miles from the house, I looked forward to those trips each year up until his health began to decline. It was the sight of the woods that gave me comfort and relax my nerves enough to inhale a deep breath.

With my back turned away I found it easier to voice what was boiling over inside of me. "I'm sorry. I've wanted to talk to you about all of this for weeks, but I didn't know how. I thought…I thought if I ignored all of the stress for now, that I could eventually work through it. That I wouldn't have to burden you with it." I turned to sit on the edge of the bed, still avoiding eye contact until I could get all of this off my chest. "I don't do well with change, and lately there's been a lot of it. I think I'm still trying to find my place here…"

"You have a place here." Eggsy reassured me.

I nodded, "I know that, but with Statesman it was easier, familiar. I'm starting from scratch here, launching an entirely new program between two independent agencies on opposite sides of the world, moving part of my life here, and helping Jocelyn run a successful business. It's a lot to take in, don't you think?" I wasn't trying to sound condescending, but I belated realized I did. "I love it here, but it's going to take me more than a few months to fully settle into this new life. I think I need to give more attention to this than I have been."

Admittedly, I had been stretching myself thin to accommodate all of these changes. I desperately wanted to give my attention to Eggsy, craved his company, but at the same time I had a duty to Kingsman and Statesman to assist in the launch of this new program. I knew that Eggsy would be fully supportive and understanding, but it still ate away at my heart to put duty before him. Not only that, but to put myself first; it felt wrong.

I was raised in a loving household by a loving couple who always seemed to make time for themselves and never showed the struggles that they may have faced. As and adult I now knew that there might have been things that I was not privy to. I always thought that MeMaw and Pop had it together, that everything was perfect and that they're love for one another was perfect, but I was now realizing the work that they had to put into that kind of love. I wanted that kind of love, but the work needed for it started with concurring my own internal battles.

Eggsy remained silent, analyzing my words. "Then what?"

I stood from the bed, slowly approaching him, and reaching my hands out to intertwine our fingers once more. "I'm not giving up on us, but I need to work through my…" I struggled to find the right words, "…my bullshit." We both smiled at the descriptive term. "I need to find my place in all of this, starting with Kingsman. The rest we can start sorting through later."

Eggsy nodded, watching me as I stared back at him. He looked down at our interlocked fingers, brought my left hand to his lips and placed a gentle kiss to the knuckles. It was simple gestures such as this that I lived for and gave me solace in the midst of all of this.

"Slow and steady is all that I'm asking." I assured him.

The infamous wolfish grin of Gary "Eggsy" Unwin made its appearance as he circled her arms around my waist. "I think I can handle slow and steady." I laughed out loud, wrapping my arms around his neck and giving him a playful kiss.

I bet you can mister. I bet you can.


Author's Note: They're back! I'm back! WE'RE ALL BACK! I struggled for a very long time as to where I wanted to take this story or if I wanted to continue it at all. I finally picked it back up during lockdown, but I've been dealing with my own personal challenges since. Career changes, school and a new baby have put everything on hold until now. I'm still working on the storyline, but I'm hoping to put out new chapters at least every other week.

Stay patient with me as I continue to work on Claire and Eggsy's story, but rest assured that we will see this through. ;)