Update: I'm working on this - and my other - stories again. A lovely reviewer, HELENz, pointed a continuity error and I'm reuploading this chapter with the fix for that. Shawn is bisexual here, not gay. That was my mistake and I was only too happy to rectify it.

Author's Note: This chapter is through Shawn's eyes. There is a bit of replay here in terms of conversation. But it will pick up where the last chapter left off. Anyways, I hope you enjoy and remember to review.

Callidora.

Two

Shawn Hunter was more confused than he'd ever been in his entire life. He'd been at work when Topanga had called him. Luckily, he'd been on break when she called otherwise he wouldn't have got the call at all. She'd been frantic, her voice fast and desperate sounding. He'd known at once that there was something wrong with Cory. She'd never sounded so…lost before.

The story she told him was one that he'd never believed would actually happen. Cory, she said, had left her. Topanga wouldn't tell him why his best friend had seemingly lost his mind. She'd only said that it wasn't Cory's fault, that he couldn't help what happened. But he was missing, she said. No one – not even Cory's parents – had heard from him in two days. That hadn't been abnormal for Shawn. He and Cory had both been busy with their own lives lately, there hadn't been much time for friends. Still, it was decidedly not normal for Cory to ignore his parents.

So Shawn left work early, telling his boss that a family emergency had come up and he needed to deal with it. It wasn't a lie, not exactly. Cory was his family. They'd been friends forever, Cory's family had been there for Shawn when no one else had been. And so of course Shawn was going to do whatever he could to look for his best friend. Cory may have lost his mind but he was still Shawn's best friend. And he had a feeling that Cory needed him. It was the feeling in his chest, tight and worried, that told him that Cory was out there somewhere, beating himself up most likely. The thought of Cory alone and hurt was one that Shawn didn't like. Had never liked. He'd always done his best to make sure that he was there when Cory needed him. Only this time, he'd been busy at work and Cory had probably convinced himself that he shouldn't bother Shawn.

Four more days passed and they were all getting steadily more worried. Cory's parents were frantic. They'd all tried calling him but there was never any answer. Shawn himself had tried calling him so many time he'd lost count but, again, there was no answer. He was beginning to think that something unthinkable had happened. A car accident maybe. Cory had been pretty out of it when he'd left, Topanga had said, maybe he crashed his car. But Shawn didn't let those thoughts continue.

The lucky break happened at three in the morning on the sixth day of Cory's absence. Shawn had a friend from work who also had a part-time job at a motel. It was sixty miles away from Cory and Topanga's apartment and Joey, Shawn's work buddy, said that he'd definitely seen Cory. Cory had paid with cash and was in room eighteen. Shawn called Amy Matthews and simply told her that he thought he knew where Cory was and that he would call her when he had more information.

He drove the sixty miles to the motel with his heart in his throat. Cory's car was in the parking spot in front of room eighteen and the light was on in the room. Which meant he was definitely here. Shawn schooled his features into a glare, trying to look angry and disproving. His face fell, however, when the door swung open.

Cory looked like shit to put it lightly. There were deep purple bags under his eyes and he looked like he'd been crying. His hair was disheveled, like he'd been running his fingers through it. His ears were red too, like he'd had his hands pressed against them. He was also very obviously drunk. The scent of whiskey clung to him like a cloud of smoke.

Shawn had known him for pretty much his entire life and he'd never seen Cory this upset. It was, he decided, something he never wanted to see again. He pushed past Cory and into the motel room. His best friend was staring at him with wide, confused eyes. Shawn glanced at Cory. The other man was standing in front of him, staring at him with a look of disoriented confusion. He was wobbling slightly.

"First off, you stink Cor." He plugged his nose as he said this, mostly for effect.

Cory glared at him, though the effect was more comical than it was scary. "Shower's too far away." He explained in a thick slur.

Shawn ignored that. "You're also a goddamned idiot." Cory wobbled again, dangerously, and Shawn shoved him back onto the bed before the drunk man fell. "Do you know how long I've been looking for your dumb ass?" He asked.

Cory just stared at him. "Dunno." He said, seeming to have trouble stringing a sentence together.

"Topanga called me four days ago. I tried calling you over two hundred times, most likely. No one knew where you were." Shawn took a deep breath, calming himself before he went into hysterics. "I thought you were dead, Cory."

This was the thought that had kept Shawn from sleeping for more than two hours a night. It was the thought that had sent him into hysterical tears that had forced him to pull over to the side of the road. Shawn had long since realized that Cory was the most important person in his life. There was no one else that Shawn cared about more than he did Cory and the mere thought of his death made Shawn feel as though someone had taken the heart out of his chest. It was the most painful feeling Shawn had ever experienced and he didn't want to think about what he would have done if he'd been right.

Cory was looking at the floor. Whether he was ashamed or just too drunk to focus, Shawn couldn't tell. "Left my phone in the car. Don't wanna see people."

How bad was this? Cory had never been one to hide himself away. Shawn felt the ball of worry in his chest knot tighter. "I say it again. You are a goddamned idiot Cory." He let out a long breath. "By all rights, I should punch you in the face for worrying me."

"So do it." Cory said, glaring up at him the way he always had when Shawn pissed him off. Defiant and challenging, that look took Shawn back to his teenage years. But he shook his head, forcing himself to roll his eyes. Cory was trying to pick a fight. And Shawn was not going to give in. Not yet anyways.

"No. It looks like you've been doing a good enough job of beating yourself up." He said, watching as Cory's cheeks flushed.

"Deserve it." Cory said, looking at the ground again. His voice was small and thick and the raw pain in it struck Shawn hard in the chest.

"You do not. You're a fucking idiot but I'm not going to hit you." He paused, considering his next words. "I don't know what happened or why you went insane and left Topanga but I figure you had a good reason." Because it was Cory and he would have a good reason. He'd been chasing after Topanga since they were kids. There was no way the he had just left her for no reason.

"Didn't Topanga tell him?" Cory muttered and it was obvious that he didn't know that he'd spoken. Shawn was used to this. Every time they were drunk, Cory seemingly lost the filter that stopped him from saying whatever entered his mind. He was constantly talking, saying every thought that entered his brain.

"She told me I'd have to ask you why you left. Something about it not being her place to say." Shawn rolled his eyes. "You can tell me in the morning. Right now, you are going to get in the shower because you smell like a barrel of whiskey. And then you are going to sleep because you look like shit." Shawn explained, pointing towards the bathroom.

"Can't stand up." His best friend pointed out, looking very confused.

Shawn gave another sigh. "No shit Sherlock. I'll help you. Now come on. I'd like to sleep sometime soon."

"Shawnie…"

The sound of the old nickname twisted Shawn's heart. Cory hadn't called him that in forever. Not since the first year of his marriage. He and Topanga had their first married fight and Cory had called him. The sound of that nickname made Shawn feel very, very sure that whatever it was that had caused this, it was something huge. Still, Shawn put on a stern face and pointed towards the bathroom.

"Cory Matthews. If you don't get up and get into the bathroom, I'll carry you there myself."

Cory stood, staring at his feet. "He's supposed to be angry at me. Not supposed to take care of me." He muttered, looking confused and a little lost.

"Oh trust me Matthews, I'm pissed at you. But it's my duty as your best friend to take care of you when you've gotten yourself into trouble. I'll punch you in the face when you're sober." Shawn replied, walking close behind Cory.

Cory mumbled something under his breath about walking not being a good idea. He did look pretty unsteady, though, Shawn noticed with a long sigh.

"Cory, I said I would help you. Get in the shower and get undressed." Shawn said, forcing himself to sound as irritated as possible.

Cory sat on the toilet and refused to look at him. "You don't want to do that." He said. "You'll catch my disease."

Shawn felt his heart drop. What on earth was Cory on about now? He'd never heard him say something so…dark, before. Did Cory have some terminal illness or something? Was that the cause of this? His heart dropped even further at the thought and he shook his head to rid himself of the thought. He would not think about that until Cory told him so.

"Probably wondering how fast he can get away from me." Cory mumbled, still not looking at Shawn.

"Will you shut the hell up and get in the shower?" Shawn asked with a groan.

Cory didn't answer him. Shawn reached out an arm to keep him upright as he struggled with his t-shirt. His jeans were on the floor already but he couldn't seem to figure out how to get out of his t-shirt. When he'd finally gotten it off, he nearly fell over trying to turn the shower on and Shawn shoved him back onto the toilet, muttering under his breath about drunken idiot best friends.

"He's insulting me so he doesn't punch me." Cory mumbled, watching Shawn adjust the shower water.

Shawn grinned to himself. Cory's habit of talking while drunk had always made him giggle.

"That's exactly what I'm doing, idiot." He said, rolling his eyes at his best friend.

He stood back to let Cory get in the water, which he did. He was still talking to himself as he climbed in the shower, mostly things that Shawn didn't understand.

"Do what he says. Don't want Shawn to hate me. Hate myself enough, thanks." Cory muttered, leaning against the shower wall.

That didn't make any more sense than the last thing he'd said. Why in the hell would Shawn hate Cory? The very idea was unthinkable.

"Why the fuck would I hate you? God Cor, you aren't even attempting to make sense." Shawn said, rolling his eyes heavenward.

Cory muttered something, too low for Shawn to hear. He caught the end of it, though, and was even more confused. He said something about a disease that had invaded his life. What was going on? This time, Shawn couldn't keep the fear from his voice when he spoke.

"Cory?"

"What?" Cory asked, confused.

"Do you…have cancer or something?" His heart felt like it was in his throat.

It was Cory's turn to roll his eyes. "Not that kind of disease, Shawn." He said in a shaky voice.

"Then what the hell are you talking about? You're not dying are you? Because if you're dying and you've gone and left Topanga in some stupid attempt to save her pain…I swear I'll kill you myself." Shawn forced himself to sound angry. Really, the very idea made him want to cry.

"Be easier if I was." He wouldn't look at Shawn, keeping his eyes on the water dripping down the shower curtain.

"You aren't…suicidal are you?" God, the mere idea of Cory wanting to kill himself made him feel slightly sick. He closed his eyes against the sudden pain in his chest, wanting to lean over and throw up. After a while, Cory replied.

"Not suicidal." He answered. Shawn slumped in relief, though he hadn't missed the fact that Cory had had to think about it.

"Wish I was, though. Could make this end…" Cory mumbled, not realizing that he'd spoken again.

Shawn felt himself gasp. He hadn't known how much one sentence could hurt before that second. God. Cory wanted to be suicidal. He wanted…he wanted to end….Shawn couldn't even finish the sentence. He blinked back a sudden rush of tears that filled his eyes at the thought of Cory dying.

"Cor. You're not…why would you even think that?" Was all Shawn could ask.

"I'm gay. You can't cure that. I'll never be normal again." Cory's voice was matter-of-fact when he spoke.

Shawn stared at his best friend. Cory had finished with his shower and was simply standing in the shower, with a towel wrapped around his waist. He looked so small and…almost afraid that it made Shawn's chest ache.

"Is…is that what this…meltdown is about? You're gay?" Shawn felt like this was a very anticlimactic thing to say. He'd thought there was something huge going on.

"Wonder if he knows what gay means." Cory muttered, staring at Shawn strangely.

Shawn laughed. "I know what gay means, Cory. I just…that's not something to freak out about. Who gives a shit what you like in bed?"

"Should be disgusted. Looking at me like there's nothing wrong…" Cory mumbled.

"There is nothing with being gay. It's not…It isn't something you need to lose your shit over." Shawn said, staring at his best friend.

"How would you know? You're not…gay?" Cory said, looking like he hadn't really meant to say that.

Shawn was amused because, didn't Cory know him better than that? Of course, Shawn had never told Cory because he hadn't wanted a freak out. But…he'd thought it obvious. "Cory, I realized that I was bisexual when I was seventeen." He said. He left out the part where he'd only realized it because he'd fallen in love with Cory. There was no way his best friend needed to know that.

"Didn't know that…" Cory whispered.

"It wasn't a big deal. And I knew you'd freak out about it. So I just didn't mention it."

"I…don't understand." Cory whispered, looking hurt.

Shawn tossed a clean pair of underwear and pajama pants to Cory. "You're drunk. I'm surprised you remember your own name."

Cory rolled his eyes, pulling the clothes on. Shawn led him out to the bed where they both climbed in. Shawn watched Cory lie down and close his eyes, staring at his best friend for a while. After a while, Cory spoke again.

"Shawnie?" Cory's voice was small.

"What Cor?"

Cory's voice held both fear and hurt in it when he replied. "Don't…don't leave, okay? I don't wanna be alone again…"

Shawn didn't like to hear Cory's voice like that. Cory should never be afraid or hurt. It wasn't right. "I'm not going anywhere Cor. Just go to sleep, okay? I'll be here when you wake up." Shawn said, settling himself in beside him.

Cory fell asleep almost right away but Shawn lay awake for a long time, staring at the ceiling. Something told him that everything in their lives was about to change in a major way. Whether that change was good or bad…Shawn would be there for Cory. The way Cory had always been there for him. He would never leave Cory to deal with this on his own. With that thought in his head, Shawn fell asleep and slept better than he had since Cory disappeared.

They didn't wake up until noon the next day. Or, at least Cory didn't. Shawn woke up at nine in the morning. Thankfully, he didn't wake Cory when he slipped out to get donuts and coffee at around eleven thirty. Still, he left a note on Cory's nightstand just in case. The curly haired man was just waking up when Shawn entered the motel again, arms laden with donuts and coffee.

"Coffee?" Cory asked, staring at Shawn with barely open eyes.

Shawn nodded, shutting the door behind him. Cory immediately grabbed for a cup of coffee the second Shawn sat them down. Shawn took a seat beside Cory on the bed, holding his own coffee and a chocolate filled donut in each hand. They ate and drank in silence for a long time. After a long moment, Cory placed his coffee cup on the nightstand and leaned forward, placing his head in his hands. Muttering under his breath, Cory's back began to shake. Shawn highly suspected that Cory was crying which was a theory that was quickly proven when soft sobs began coming from the general direction of Cory's mouth.

Reaching over to place his coffee and half-eaten donut on the nightstand, Shawn slid closer to Cory and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. Cory leaned against him, wordlessly sobbing. After a few moments, Shawn turned himself so that he was fully facing Cory and wrapped both arms around his best friend. Cory buried his face in Shawn's shoulder and sobbed for a long time. It hurt his chest to see Cory like this but Shawn knew that there was nothing he could do except to be there. He tightened his hold a bit as Cory fisted his hands in the back of his t-shirt.

After a long time, it was over. Cory leaned against him for a long while, his breathing heavy. It took a few moments for Cory to lean away. When he finally did, he covered his face with his hands and gave a trembling sigh. He didn't seem to want to look at Shawn, choosing instead to look at his hands. Shawn waited for Cory to look at him for a long moment. After about ten minutes, he realized that this wasn't going to happen and reached out to pull Cory's hands away from his face. The other man looked stunned, staring at Shawn as if he'd grown a second head.

"Why did you do that?" Cory asked.

Shawn rolled his eyes. "I want to look at you Cor. Not the backs of your hands."

"Why?"

"Because you're my best friend, Cor."

"Don't know why. I mess everything up."

"You do not. What on earth makes you say that?" Shawn asked, a little exasperated.

"I broke Topanga's heart. I'm gay and I'm in love with another man. I'm not in love with her. I did exactly what I swore I wouldn't do and stopped loving her." With every word, Cory's eyes filled with more pain.

"That doesn't mean that you mess everything up. You can't exactly control your sexual orientation. Trust me, I spent a very long time trying to control mine." Shawn said.

"What do you mean?"

"I tried to be straight for so long that it almost worked. I'd almost convinced myself that I wasn't bisexual. But that's not the kind of thing you can control."

"You're…bi?" Cory asked, confused.

"Yeah." Shawn sighed. "I realized it when I was sixteen but I spent the next five years avoiding the issue. I did absolutely everything I could to convince myself that I wasn't into men at all. And then, I turned twenty-one, and I realized that I can't change who I am."

"Hm. I came to the realization that I was gay six months ago. But, up until a month ago, I didn't let myself acknowledge it. It was just this…thing in my head. And then Topanga and I got into that fight last month and I couldn't…I couldn't pretend anymore."

"What fight?"

Cory looked at him. "I forgot. I never told you." He looked down. "She started noticing that I was having trouble getting…getting it up. I couldn't make myself have sex with her anymore. She lost it one night. She planned this whole evening and…and I ruined it by trying to get out of sex. We started screaming at each other. I ended up leaving the apartment and spending the rest of the night wandering around on my own. By the time I returned the next morning, I knew that I had to end things with her." He sighed heavily. "But I ended up talking myself out of it. And then I fell in love. With a man. And I knew that I had to tell Topanga. There was absolutely no way around it." Cory looked pained. "So I did. I even told her who I'd fallen for. She was…supportive. Hurt. But supportive. It made everything that much harder."

Shawn looked at him. "So, who's the guy?" He asked, trying to lighten the mood.

"I…can't tell you." Cory said.

"Cory. This is me you're talking to. Your best friend since forever. You can tell me anything."

Shawn explained, staring at Cory who was now refusing to look at him.

"Not this. I…I can't tell you this. I lost Topanga. I…I can't lose you too." Cory's voice was now a whisper, so quiet it was almost too soft to hear.

"Cory, I can promise that you will never lose me. I'm not going anywhere. There's nothing you can ever tell me that will cause me to leave. Haven't you figured that out by now?" Shawn was a little hurt that Cory thought he'd leave.

Cory shook his head. "You would. This….you'd leave. I…I can't…Shawnie…"

Shawn glared at him. "Why the fuck can't you just trust me? I've never, ever let you down. I've always been there." He found himself snarling, angry beyond belief.

Cory looked at the bed. "You're my best friend, Shawn. You…this isn't something you can handle."

"Why don't you let me be the judge of that?"

"Shawn, I can't…I can't…"

Shawn stood up. He couldn't explain why he was so angry. But his hands were shaking and he felt like he was going to hit something. After all they'd been through together, after all the shit Shawn had been there through, and Cory still didn't trust him? He wasn't going to sit here and deal with this. If Cory didn't trust him then there was no reason for Shawn to stick around. He stalked towards the door, turning around when he'd placed his hand on the handle.

"Fine. If you don't trust me, then I don't see why I'm even here. Have a nice life, Cor."

Cory stared at him, his eyes blazing. He didn't speak when Shawn opened the door, just stared at him with eyes that were filled with the sort of pain that twisted in Shawn's gut like a knife. Shawn turned towards his car, hearing the sound of unmistakable sobs coming from the room behind him. Even though it felt like it was going to kill him, he didn't turn back. He got in his car and pulled out, leaving Cory and the motel and his heart behind.

He'd go to Topanga, he thought. He'd tell her where Cory was and that he couldn't help her anymore. Cory didn't trust him anymore, Cory didn't care that that was the worst pain Shawn had ever felt in his life. It was right about then that Shawn felt the tears threatening to overtake him. He pulled over to the side of the road and leaned his forehead against the steering wheel. Loud, harsh sobs burst from his chest and he wrapped an arm around his chest, feeling as though his heart was gone. And it was, he realized, he'd left his heart in that hotel room with Cory.

Shawn had realized that he was in love with Cory when he was seventeen years old. At the time, he'd thought that being in love with Cory Matthews was the worst pain he'd ever felt. He'd been wrong. Losing Cory was the worst pain he'd ever felt. It was like being doused in acid. It burnt and it stung and he wanted it to end.

He sobbed for a long time, only pulling back onto the road when his eyes had cleared. He drove the sixty miles back to Topanga's apartment in silence, his chest still aching. Outside her apartment, he gave himself a shake and prepared himself to tell her that he couldn't help them anymore. Cory was on his own now. After ten minutes, Shawn got out of the car and walked up the four flights of stairs to the apartment.

Topanga was in her pajamas when Shawn arrived. She looked at him, taking in the puffy eyes and tear tracked skin and let him inside without a word. They sat on the couch and Shawn took a few long breaths before looking at the floor and speaking. If he looked her in the eyes, he was going to burst into tears. So he spoke to the floor.

"I can't help you anymore. He's on his own now."

"You found him." She said.

"He's in a motel. Sixty miles away. I stayed last night. This morning, he told me most of what happened. But…"

"What?"

"He told me that he's in love with another man."

Topanga glared at him. "Shawn Hunter, I swear to God that if you've left him all alone just because he told you that he's in love with you I am going to kill you." She said, her voice slow and careful.

"No. I left because he doesn't fucking trust me enough to tell me who it is. He wouldn't…even after everything we've been through together…he doesn't trust me." Shawn whispered.

Topanga slapped him. His cheek stinging, Shawn looked up at her. Her eyes were filled with tears and she was glaring at him.

"You don't listen to anything, do you?!" She snarled.

"What are you talking about?" Shawn asked, a hand pressed against his cheek.

"I just told you who he's in love with!" She shouted, the tears making tracks down her cheeks.

"Who?"

"You!"

"…What?"

"It's always been you!" She calmed herself slightly. "I was too blind to see it before. And he didn't want to see it until it slapped him in the face. But it's you! I thought he was going to rip his own heart out when you told him that you'd started seeing someone. I should have realized it then. I've never seen him look so lost." She glared at Shawn again. "He told me the day he ended things that it was you. That it had probably always been you. I gave him my blessing because I've always known that you loved him. Or, I thought you did."

"Christ…"

Shawn felt like all the oxygen had been sucked out of his lungs. The tears were streaming down his face again, unchecked. He didn't really even care that he was crying in front of Topanga, didn't care that he was about to fall completely apart. The sound of the motel room door slamming on Cory's sobs filled his head and it was all Shawn could do to stop himself from sobbing out loud. Topanga was still talking, her voice lost in the race of Shawn's thoughts.

He'd left him. Cory had needed him and Shawn had let a stupid insecurity get in the way. God. Oh fucking God. He was aware that Topanga was still talking, to someone else now. Someone else who was in the room. But he couldn't breathe, couldn't even focus on them. All he knew was that he was the biggest piece of shit on the planet. Cory had needed him. Cory had begged him not to leave. The sound of Cory's voice, small and afraid and hurt, begging him to stay cut into Shawn's head and made him whimper. God…why wasn't Topanga slapping him? He covered his face with his hands and sobbed, his chest roaring and burning and aching.

A hand placed itself on his shoulder, firm but gentle, and Shawn looked up into the eyes of Alan Matthews. Cory's father was staring at him with a concerned look. He didn't deserve that. He'd left Cory. He'd fucked everything up again. Just like he always did. And this time he couldn't take it back. This time, somehow, Shawn knew that he couldn't fix it.

"I left him there. I left him alone. He fucking begged me to stay and I…I left." Shawn whispered, unable to look Cory's father in the eyes.

Alan shook his head. "It was a misunderstanding, Shawn. You thought he didn't trust you."

"No…you don't understand. He begged me to stay. Last night, he begged me to stay. And I promised him I wouldn't leave. But…he didn't trust me…and I got so mad….and now I…I fucked everything up again."

"No. No, Shawn, you didn't." Topanga was kneeling next to Alan, her face concerned and tear-stained. "Go back. Go back and tell him that you're an idiot and that you love him."

"He won't be there." Shawn couldn't say how he knew this. But he knew Cory. He knew that he wouldn't be there.

"We'll find him. We'll find him and you'll tell him." Alan said, his voice quiet.

Before Shawn could answer, his phone vibrated and he answered it without looking at the caller I.D.

"I'm leaving, Shawn. I'm sorry I fucked up again. I'm sorry II didn't mean to. But, since I can't seem to get it right, I'm leaving. Since you'll never see me again…and I won't have to worry about your reaction…it was you. The man I fell in love with? It was you. I love you. Goodbye, Shawn."

And then the line went dead. Before Shawn could even open his mouth to reply, Cory was gone. And Shawn wasn't going to see him again. He wouldn't get to tell him that he was an idiot. He wouldn't get to tell him that he loved him. Cory was gone. Cory was gone. Shawn felt himself fall apart. He felt himself shatter into a million pieces all over Topanga's floor as the phone slipped from his hands. The sobs coming from his chest sounded like screaming. They felt like razor blades. He sobbed so hard he was dry heaving before long, his whole body shaking with the effort. He could hear Topanga and Alan talking in soft voices as he kneeled on the floor, his body shaking and his heart in more pieces than it had ever been.

Shawn Hunter was dead. He was alive physically but everything that made him alive, that made him Shawn, it was all dead. Cory had taken everything, leaving nothing but an empty husk and Shawn knew that he would never recover from this. The knowledge hit Shawn like a bat over the head and finally the weight of pain and the exhaustion from crying knocked him out. His eyes closed and his breathing continued to heave with sobs, even after he was no longer conscious.