Chapter 8
"Anakin, we need to talk."
Anakin's heart sank to his shoes. "I can't talk right now, Obi-wan maybe later."
"No, now. You've been avoiding me, dearest, and it has to stop."
Obi-wan moved to block the door as Anakin tried to slip out of the bedroom. "I mean it, Anakin. You've been avoiding me for nearly three weeks, and it's got to end."
Anakin slumped onto the bed. "I'm sorry, Obi-wan. I know this isn't what I agreed to in our contract –"
"You think I care about the damn contract? I care about you, Anakin! Please, you have to tell me what's wrong."
Anakin knew he shouldn't say anything. He should just go on pretending everything was fine. That way, he would have more time with Obi-wan. He knew it was cowardly, but he wasn't ready for it to end here and now.
But Obi-wan's pretense was grating on his nerves, and before he knew it, Anakin was speaking. "You don't need to pretend, Obi-wan! I know, ok? Let's just get this over and done with. Tell me I need to leave. Ahsoka and I will be gone within the hour."
Obi-wan looked frankly bewildered. "Anakin, what in the world are you talking about? Why would I tell you to leave?"
"I know you're not attracted to me anymore, Obi-wan! You barely touch me. You won't even kiss me."
"Oh, Anakin. My dear, no, that's not what's going on at all."
Anakin forced himself to look up at Obi-wan, who was now standing right in front of him. "It's not?" he asked in a small voice. He so badly wanted that to be true, but what else could it be?
"Anakin, I need to apologize. You see, I accidentally overheard part of your conversation with Padme a few weeks ago. I should have discussed it with you then and there, but I was so worried about you, about finding out what was bothering you, that I put it aside. Then you tried to kiss me, and we've barely been talking ever since."
"You turned away," Anakin mumbled. "You don't want me anymore."
Obi-wan stepped forward and took both of Anakin's hands in his. "That's not true, sweetheart. I still want you just as much as ever, but you told Padme that you feel you need to give me sex so that I don't kick you out. I would never want to force you to be with me. If you feel compelled to do anything sexual with me for any reason other than that you want it, that's not consent. It's coerced consent, which as we've been over, is not proper consent."
Anakin's mind was spinning. "So… so you turned me away because you thought I was forcing myself on you out of duty?"
"That's right. I would never want to be with you if it's not what you want."
A shaky laugh bubbled up and burst from Anakin's lips.
Obi-wan smiled warmly at him. "Care to tell me what's so funny?"
"You are. You silly man. Of course, I want to be with you. Yes, I've had worries that you would kick me out before I was ready for sex, but even if it wasn't for any of the financial stuff between us, I'd still want to be with you. I've told you, you're gorgeous. I'm so attracted to you that it hurts sometimes… I'm just scared. I don't want to feel like I'm there with Maul again."
Obi-wan's expression softened. "I know, Anakin. That's the last thing I want either. You… you truly want this? You're not just saying that so that I don't kick you out? Which, by the way, would never happen."
"I want this. I'm… I'm just not sure if I can, at least not quickly enough."
Obi-wan frowned. "This ends here and now, Anakin. I don't ever want you to think that I'm going to lose patience with you and kick you out. I want you here. It doesn't matter if we never have sex."
"It does," Anakin contradicted in a small voice.
"You're not listening to me, Ani. I care about you more than I care about sex. I need you to believe me on this."
Anakin searched Obi-wan's face for any hint of deception but could find none. "Why? I'm just a –"
"Don't you dare finish that sentence, Anakin. You're not 'just' anything. You're an amazing, caring, intelligent person, and I'm lucky to have you in my life."
Anakin wished Obi-wan wouldn't say things like that. It gave him false hope and made him imagine that maybe there was at least a chance that Obi-wan could feel the same.
It was clear that Obi-wan felt responsible for him, to an even greater degree than Anakin had realized, given that Obi-wan was willing to give up sex completely for him. He had saved Anakin and Ahsoka, after all. Maybe he had some kind of hero complex. Anakin found he couldn't complain. Any reason to stay with Obi-wan was a reason he'd take.
"What are you thinking, dearest?"
"I just… I'm sorry, Obi-wan. I've been an idiot. I should have talked to you about my worries. Padme told me I should, but I didn't listen."
"You were afraid, Anakin. You were frightened I would kick you out of my life and acted to protect yourself. I could never be angry with you for that."
What had he ever done to deserve someone like Obi-wan?
Obi-wan grasped Anakin's shoulders and squeezed slightly.
He said something, but Anakin couldn't hear him. He was instantly thrown back to the first time with Maul when Maul had held him down by his shoulders, his grip vice-like and painful.
"No! Get away from me!"
Anakin flailed wildly and the hands-on his shoulders left. He bolted over the other side of the bed, cowering in the corner of the room. Someone was approaching. Anakin squeezed his eyes shut, waiting for the pain to start.
"Anakin? Sweetheart, can you open your eyes?"
Anakin's eyes fluttered open. Obi-wan was crouching about a foot away from him. "You're here with me, dearest. You're safe, I promise you. He can't touch you."
Anakin took a shaky breath. "I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize, sweetheart. Can you tell me what went wrong there?"
"My shoulders," Anakin mumbled. "He held me down by my shoulders…"
"I understand. I will make sure not to do that again. Can you move? It can't be comfortable there."
Obi-wan held out a hand and Anakin took it, letting Obi-wan pull him to his feet. He immediately flung his arms around Obi-wan, clutching the back of his shirt tightly.
Obi-wan hugged him back, one hand stroking the back of Anakin's head. "You're ok, Ani," he cooed in Anakin's ear. "I'm right here. You're safe."
Anakin took deep, shaky breaths. Obi-wan was right. He was safe. He was just being silly. Obi-wan felt way too responsible for him to kick Anakin out. Though the thought brought much relief, Anakin also felt guilty for holding Obi-wan hostage like this.
Maybe when he had enough money saved, he should take the initiative and leave of his own volition. Just imagining it made him feel like his heart was being ripped out, but Anakin wanted what was best for Obi-wan. He wanted Obi-wan to be free to find someone who could truly be what he wanted.
What Anakin didn't know was how he would survive without the man he loved. He would have to, though, for Obi-wan's sake.
"Anakin? Sweetheart, can you hear me? Try to slow your breathing. You're hyperventilating."
Anakin realized that Obi-wan was right. Just the thought of leaving him was enough to send Anakin into a panic. He tried to control himself. He was just going to worry Obi-wan. That was the last thing Obi-wan deserved.
He gasped in a painful breath.
"That's right, dearest. Just breathe slowly. You're ok."
Anakin was far from ok. He was a mess, and he didn't know why Obi-wan couldn't see it. Obi-wan was endlessly patient, coaxing him back into breathing properly.
"There you are. Well done. What happened back there?"
Anakin couldn't tell Obi-wan the truth. If he said that he was considering leaving to save Obi-wan the responsibility of caring for him, Obi-wan would no doubt object.
"I was just thinking about Maul." He felt terrible for lying to Obi-wan, but there was nothing to be done about it.
"Are you sure you don't want to go to the police? We could get him locked up. You would never need to worry about him again, then."
"No police," Anakin insisted.
Obi-wan sighed. "Alright, dear one. But you must tell me if you change your mind."
"I will." If he ever changed his mind, which Anakin knew he wouldn't. He couldn't bear to have anyone see him as he truly was – a damaged, used-up whore, nothing more. Why Obi-wan didn't see him like that was something Anakin would never understand.
"I should get started with dinner."
Obi-wan followed him to the kitchen, trailing a hand tenderly up and down Anakin's back while Anakin cooked. Anakin couldn't keep a silly grin off his face. He'd missed this, so much.
When Ahsoka came in, she looked between the two of them with an expression of relief. "You two made up, then?"
"We weren't fighting, Snips."
"Yeah, right."
Anakin rolled his eyes but decided not to continue the conversation further.
That night, he joined Obi-wan in their bed again. When he woke up from his nightmare, thankfully not screaming, Anakin groaned and rolled over, ready to get up and try to study for the rest of the night.
He rolled right into Obi-wan and almost cried in relief. Of course. Obi-wan was here.
Anakin knew he shouldn't wake him. Obi-wan needed his rest. But even the thought of staying up all night when he didn't need to was exhausting.
Guilt warred with the desire to sleep. Eventually, Anakin hesitantly reached out and shook Obi-wan's shoulder.
"Obi-wan?"
Obi-wan opened his eyes. "Hello, there, dearest. Did you have a nightmare?"
"I did. I was wondering – could you –?"
"Of course. Wait just one moment."
Obi-wan turned on the light and picked up Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, which he kept on the bedside table.
He sat up and Anakin moved closer, laying his head in Obi-wan's lap. Obi-wan stroked his hair, gently untangling the strands. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Anakin thought about this. Obi-wan always asked him if he wanted to talk about his nightmares, and up until now, he had always said no. But the nightmares weren't getting any better, and he didn't want to keep having to wake Obi-wan up every night.
"I – it was Maul," Anakin said softly. "He came to college. He found me on my way between lectures. He grabbed me and wrestled me to the bathrooms. He said if I screamed, he'd tell the whole college what I am – a whore."
Obi-wan's gripped one of Anakin's hands tightly with his free one but didn't say anything.
"So, I was quiet. I let him do what he wanted to me – and what he wanted… it wasn't pleasant. At all."
Obi-wan pressed a tender kiss to the top of Anakin's head. "Thank you for telling me. Is there anything you need? Maybe a hot chocolate to sip on while I read to you?"
"That… that would actually be great."
Obi-wan kissed his forehead again. "I'll go make it for you, then."
In no time at all, Anakin was snuggled into Obi-wan's side, drinking hot chocolate while Obi-wan read to him. Once he was done with his drink, Anakin put the mug on the bedside table and lay down on Obi-wan's lap. He was asleep in minutes.
Unfortunately, his night's troubles weren't over yet. A couple of hours later, he screamed himself awake, so loudly that Anakin was sure Ahsoka must have heard, though she was tactful enough to stay away.
"Anakin! I'm here, sweetheart. It's ok. Just breathe, Ani."
Anakin couldn't breathe. The nightmare was still fresh in his mind, and it was more horrifying than any he'd ever had before.
"Shh, just breathe," Obi-wan murmured, pulling Anakin into his lap.
"Y-y-you l-left," Anakin sobbed.
"It was only a nightmare, dearest. I would never leave you. I promise."
"You will! You will, and you'll be right to. I'm not worth it! I'm not worth any of this and you –"
"Anakin, stop. You are worth it, and I am not leaving you. Please, I need you to believe me."
Anakin knew that it was a bad idea, but he was so desperate for comfort that he decided to pretend, just for a little while. It was so much easier to pretend. Obi-wan sounded so certain when he told Anakin that he'd never leave. Anakin could almost believe him.
"You're alright, Anakin," Obi-wan said firmly. "I am not leaving you. I'm here, and I'm here to stay. Just try to relax, sweetheart. I'm going to make you some more hot chocolate, ok?"
Obi-wan tried to get up, but Anakin tightened his arms around Obi-wan's waist. "Don't leave me."
He knew it was pathetic, but he didn't want to be alone right now, even for a few minutes.
"Alright, dearest, I won't leave you. How about I read you another chapter, hm?"
"Yes, please." Hearing Obi-wan's voice never failed to calm Anakin down.
Anakin drifted off again in Obi-wan's arms, and this time, he slept free of nightmares.
