Author's Note: Okay, so that last chapter was really heavy. Not much was really explained as to what was going through Shawn's head, I know. This chapter will clear that up so I won't say much. What I will say is that Shawn does NOT blame Cory for his mother's death. He was simply upset and scared. What he wrote was misunderstood by Cory, who still isn't fully healed. Also, there are definitely some underlying problems with Cory's mental health that will be dealt with in future chapters. Right now, we turn to Shawn…

Callidora.

Nine

Shawn didn't regularly talk to his sister. They had their own lives and they'd never really been all that close. Once in a while, though, she would call and check in with him. It usually didn't happen twice in one month, though, which was why Shawn's immediate reaction when she called was to frown. He answered it, though, pausing in his writing to talk to her.

"Hey Stace. What's up?"

"You have to come home, Shawn. Mom's…mom died yesterday afternoon." She said, her voice shaking.

Shawn's chest ached. "Why didn't you call me yesterday?" He asked, forcing himself to stay calm.

"I tried." She said, her voice hard. "Your phone was off."

Remembrance hit him then. He had turned his phone off the day before. Cory had been having a bad day and Shawn had taken the day off. They'd spent most of it in bed, talking and just relaxing.

"Sorry." He said, "I was busy yesterday. Give me a few minutes to get dressed and I'll be there." He said.

"Okay."

They hung up then and Shawn hurried into the bedroom to get dressed. He didn't really look at the clothes he'd picked out, just threw on jeans and a t-shirt before leaving the bedroom. His heart was hammering in his chest but he forced himself not to think about his mother. He had to get home before he fell apart. Stopping in the kitchen, he noticed that Cory had left a note on the counter. He'd gone bowling with Eric. It made Shawn smile a bit to see that Cory was getting out of the house. Today had obviously been a good day for him. He flipped the note over and wrote a quick one of his own, letting Cory know what had happened. He'd call later in the evening to check on Cory and make sure he was okay but right then, Shawn had to get going.

Unfortunately for Shawn, he'd only driven a few miles before he realized that he'd left his wallet at home. There was no way he could go anywhere without that. Turning around, Shawn headed back to the house. He hoped he'd put it where he could easily find it. He'd had a habit of leaving his wallet in random places around the house and then not being able to find it when he needed it. It was one of the most annoying things Shawn found himself doing.

He pulled into the driveway and hurried into the house, leaving the car door open as he drove. Cory was home, obviously, because the front door was wide open. Shawn smiled, thankful that Cory had come home. At least now he could tell him in person what had happened and maybe get a kiss before he headed out.

"Cory?" Shawn called out.

But there was no answer. Shawn frowned. Cory couldn't have gone far. Shawn had only driven for about twenty minutes before he'd had to turn around. Heading further into the house, Shawn felt his entire world crumble as he reached the bedroom. Cory was lying on his back, fully clothed. He wasn't moving and he seemed to be having trouble breathing. As Shawn moved closer, he saw a bottle of pills in Cory's right hand. It was empty. The bottle was empty.

Everything inside of him was crumbling but Shawn forced himself to keep moving. Beside the bed, he started calling Cory's name louder. He was aware of the tears streaming down his face but he couldn't bother to brush them off, didn't care anymore. Cory wasn't moving. He was barely breathing. Hurriedly, Shawn picked his phone out of his pocket and dialed 911.

"What's your emergency?" A kind female voice asked.

"I need help! My…my boyfriend took a bunch of sleeping pills and he's barely breathing!" Shawn forced himself to say, his heart beating even faster.

"Okay. What is your address?"

Shawn rattled off his address, voice shaking.

"What's your boyfriend's name, sir?" The woman's voice was kind buy Shawn felt like shattering.

"Cory Matthews."

"An ambulance is on its way, sir."

"Thank you."

The line went dead and Shawn pulled Cory's head into his lap, sobbing out loud. What had happened? Why had he done this? He'd been fine when they woke up that morning, cheerful even. Had something happened while he was out with Eric? Remembering Eric, Shawn dialed the man's phone number and waited.

"Hey Shawn, what's up?" Eric sounded cheerful. So…had nothing happened while they were out?

"I need you to get over here like now." Shawn said. "Cory…he tried to kill himself and I…there's an ambulance on its way…but I don't know what's happening!"

"Shit! What the fuck happened?" Eric's voice took on a terrified edge.

"I don't know. I wasn't home when he got back. My sister called. My mother died and I was on my way back home. I'd left a note on the counter and left. But I had to come back for something I'd forgotten and I found him." Shawn could feel himself losing control. "I don't know what the hell happened! He's barely breathing and I…oh God…I'm going to lose him…"

"Shawn, calm down. I've gotta call Jack. He took my car because his broke down. We'll meet you at the hospital, okay?"

"Okay." Shawn said, aware that the word was a whimper.

He could hear someone entering the house and looked up in time to see paramedics entering his room with a stretcher. They ordered him off the bed and loaded Cory onto the stretcher, talking to each other in fast voices.

"Would you like to ride with us, sir?" One of them asked.

Shawn nodded at the man, a taller man with greying red hair. He followed them out to the ambulance and climbed in after them. Grasping Cory's hand in one of his, he began to pray to whatever God was out there that Cory made it through this. He couldn't lose him. Not now. The paramedic was attaching things to Cory, speaking into a radio, but Shawn couldn't pay attention. His eyes lingered on the shallow rise and fall of Cory's chest.

At the hospital, they hurried him into the emergency section and Shawn was made to stay in the waiting room. He paced up and down, running his hands through his hair. God. He didn't understand why Cory had done this. Couldn't understand what had happened. Cory had been fine the last time Shawn had seen him. He'd been having a good day, even. Whatever had changed, whatever had happened, Shawn just wanted to know what it was. He wanted to know what it was that had sent Cory over the deep end again, to take it back somehow.

"Shawn!"

He glanced up at the sound of his brother's voice. Relief flooded through him at the sight of Eric and Jack hurrying towards him, their hands linked. Jack was the first to hug him, sensing the panic and fear flooding his system. For once, Shawn was relieved that his brother was there. There was no way he could get through this alone. Not when Cory hadn't even been breathing properly when they'd taken him back. Not when he could be…Shawn couldn't finish that sentence, though.

"How is he?" Eric asked.

Shawn let out a panicked breath. "I don't know. He was barely breathing when they pulled him back. They had oxygen on him."

Jack wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "What the hell happened? Did you two fight or something?"

Shawn shook his head. "No. It…today was normal. Woke up at seven, ate breakfast together. I wrote until noon and stopped for lunch." He shook his head. "I was busy writing when Cory left with Eric and then Stacy called to tell me that my mom died and I didn't have time to wait for him to get home. I left a note, telling him what had happened, and left."

"Why did you come back?" Eric asked.

"Forgot my wallet. By the time I got back, he had already done it."

Shawn's chest was tight, it felt like all the oxygen was being sucked out of the room. He pulled in a deep breath and shuddered, still silently praying that Cory would pull through this.

"What did you say in the note you left?" Jack asked. "Maybe there was something in it that set him off."

Shawn thought about it and then paled. He wanted to punch himself. How could he be so stupid? What he'd written…Cory had read it and thought that Shawn blamed him. He sucked in another deep breath and nearly lost it. Holding himself together, he whispered the words he'd written in his letter back to Eric and Jack.

"I didn't…I wasn't blaming him. I don't even know why I wrote it that way!" Shawn said, feeling even more panicked now that he knew why this was happening.

"You were upset and you weren't thinking clearly. It's not like you were blaming him." Eric said, his voice patient.

"If he dies it'll be my fault." Shawn leaned forward and put his head in his hands. "I'm going to lose him and I can't blame anyone but myself. Oh God…"

Jack's arm tightened around his shoulders. "This is not your fault, Shawn. You can't control how Cory reacts to things. None of us can. You had no idea that he would react like this."

"God. Please. Please just don't let me lose him. I'll do anything…just please keep him safe…"

Shawn was aware that he was praying out loud but he couldn't help it. His insides felt like they were burning and he wanted to cry. Eric and Jack were talking again, speaking in low tones, but Shawn could only focus on the prayers that kept flowing from his lips. He begged, he bribed, he pleaded. For the next hour, that's all he could do.

Finally, after almost an hour and a half, a doctor came out.

"Matthews?"

Jack, Eric, and Shawn stood up. Eric spoke first, calm and quiet though his eyes were blazing with fear and panic.

"We're his family. Is…is he okay?"

The doctor opened a door. "I'm Doctor Hanscom. Come on back."

Shawn's chest tightened again as he followed the doctor back through a long hallway. They followed him into a small room and were directed into seats. The doctor, an older man with salt and pepper hair, peered at them over the rim of his glasses.

"This is the second time your brother has attempted to commit suicide, correct?"

Eric nodded without speaking, his hand white-knuckled around Jack's.

"Cory is going to recover. Thankfully he was found in time and we were able to help him."

They let out a collective breath, visibly sagging. Shawn couldn't help the tears that began to stream down his cheeks. Still, the doctor wasn't done.

"I know this isn't my place but I feel that it would be beneficial to Cory if he were placed in an in-treatment facility. Two suicide attempts in less than six months hints at a deeper issue and I really feel that he would benefit from this." Doctor Hanscom said.

Eric and Jack turned to look at Shawn. "What do you think, Shawn?" Eric asked.

Shawn's mouth nearly dropped open in shock. "You're…you're asking me?" He asked.

Eric nodded. "You're his partner, Shawn. You should be the one to make this decision." He said, voice soft.

Shawn thought about it. He didn't like the idea of Cory being in one of those places. Mental wards had always scared him a bit, to be honest. But, at the same time, Doctor Hanscom was right. There had to be a deeper issue here and Cory couldn't get the help he needed unless he went somewhere. Reluctantly, he nodded.

"He's…he's not going to like it but I think it's what he needs." He said quietly.

Doctor Hanscom nodded. "I'm glad to hear that. He'll be in here for at least two more days. When he's released, he'll be released directly upstairs to our mental health ward. It's a decent center and we have the best psychologists in the state."

"Can we see him?" Shawn asked. He suddenly felt exhausted but all he wanted was to see Cory. To confirm that he was really okay.

"Of course. He's awake now and we're going to keep him awake for a while longer."

"Thank you."

Eric nodded at Shawn. "You go see him. I'm going to go call mom and dad. They had to wait until Morgan got out of school to come up." He said.

Shawn didn't say anything, just nodded gratefully at Eric and followed the doctor down another seemingly endless hallway. At the end of it, he was directed into a room on the right. Cory was on a bed in the center of the room. He looked small and lost and Shawn wanted to hold him. He didn't look around as Shawn entered the room, keeping his eyes on his hands. The tears running down his cheeks told him that Cory knew Shawn was there, though.

He didn't wait for Cory to say anything, didn't say anything himself. Climbing onto the bed beside Cory, Shawn pulled him into his arms and buried his face in Cory's shoulder. Cory went still for a minute before he wrapped his own arms around Shawn and began to cry softly.

"I'm sorry. You…you must hate me..." Cory whispered, his eyes filling again.

"Never. I love you. I will always love you."

"I screwed up again and I…I didn't mean to. I don't know what's wrong with me or why I do this shit. I feel so…so out of control all the time…" He admitted in a soft voice.

Shawn wiped the tears from Cory's face. "It's going to be okay." He paused. "You're going to have to go to the mental health ward, though."

Cory's eyes streamed and he gave a soft sob, wrapping his arms around himself. "You're leaving…I…I finally fucked everything up…" He whispered.

"No!" Shawn burst out. "No. Baby, that's not it at all. You just…you need help, Cor. You need to figure out what's wrong. I'm not leaving. I'll be there every day and when you come home, you'll come home with me. I promise."

Cory looked up at him. "You…you're not leaving? You promise?"

"I promised you once, Cor. I'm never leaving you. You're hurting right now and I don't think any of us knows what's really going on. But this is deeper than you're letting on and you need help." Shawn paused. "I love you, okay? I love you and I'm never going to leave you."

"I love you too."

Shawn kissed his forehead. "I know."

He made to sit in the chair next to the bed but Cory grabbed his hand. "Don't go. Please. Just…just hold me? Please?"

Shawn couldn't exactly turn him down. He situated himself next to Cory and held the other man close. Emotion and exhaustion wore them out and, before they knew it, they were asleep.