Eleven
Cory slept like the dead when they finally got home, only waking when Shawn's phone scared them both awake. He curled into Shawn's lap as the other man sat up to answer the phone and listened blearily as Shawn spoke quietly. His half-awake brain wanted to lure him back to sleep but he shook it off and sat up beside Shawn. An arm snaked out and tugged him against Shawn's side, the warmth of Shawn's skin soothing his frazzled nerves left over from the night before. It left him feeling better than he had since the door had closed behind him in the Psych Ward.
"Who was that?" Cory asked when Shawn slipped the phone back onto the nightstand.
Shawn rolled his eyes. "My sister." He muttered, pressing his face against Cory's shoulder.
"Why do you sound annoyed by that?" Cory pressed a kiss to the top of Shawn's head.
"We've never exactly gotten along, you know. But she's been difficult since mom died and I just don't want to deal with her." Shawn said, closing his eyes.
Guilt once again washed over Cory and he averted his eyes with a small sigh. Shawn had missed his mother's funeral and the aftermath of it because of Cory's suicide attempt. He didn't know why Shawn had stuck around after that, no matter how much he loved him. He'd missed his own mother's funeral - and death - because Cory had been an idiot and tried to kill himself.
A hand on his cheek brought him out of his guilt-induced trance. Shawn was looking down at him, nothing but love and concern in his eyes, and Cory was once again flooded with guilt. He didn't deserve Shawn, didn't deserve his love or kindness.
"You're feeling guilty because I missed the funeral, aren't you?" Shawn asked.
Cory just nodded, unable to speak through the lump in his throat.
"It's not your fault, Cor. I could have gone to the funeral after we knew you were going to be all right. I didn't go because I didn't want to go. It had nothing to do with you." Shawn said, stroking a hand across the hair at the nape of Cory's neck.
"Then why didn't you go?" Cory asked.
Shawn looked away. "It's nothing, Cor. I just didn't want to go." He said.
The fact that he wasn't telling Cory the truth because he didn't trust him was like a slap in the face. It hurt, even though he deserved it, to know that Shawn didn't feel like he could tell Cory things without causing him to lose control. Underneath the hurt was anger, though, and it was the anger that Cory found himself focusing on. Anger was better than hurt.
"So that's what we're doing now, is it?" Cory stood up and shook off Shawn's hand. "We're lying to each other now?"
Shawn stood up and reached for him, but Cory stepped away. "Cory, I just…"
"You just don't trust me. Which is fucking dumb, by the way. I never stopped trusting you, no matter how hurt I knew you were." Cory scowled, turning away. "The fact that you can't do the same is a little fucked up."
"I trust you, Cory. I just don't want you to feel guilty." Shawn said, voice rising to match the anger in Cory's tone.
"I'm so fucking sick of you treating me like glass!" Cory yelled. "I'm not going to break because you tell me the truth."
He turned away and stalked out of the bedroom. Shawn followed and Cory turned to glare at him.
"Get the fuck away from me, Shawn. I don't want to be around you right now." Cory spat.
"Cory…"
The hurt in Shawn's voice nearly made him turn around but he forced himself to keep walking away. By the time he reached the living room, tears had started streaming down his cheeks. He gave in to the impulse to sink onto his knees, his chest already heaving with sobs. He'd expected everyone else to treat him like glass, but not Shawn. Shawn was the one person that he'd never expected to treat him like that. Having that turn out to be wrong was more painful than Cory had thought it would be.
"Cory…" Shawn's voice broke through his raging thoughts a while later.
Cory just looked up at him, his arms wrapped tight around his knees. After staring at him for a moment longer Shawn sat down and gently wrapped an arm around Cory's shoulder.
"You're right. I shouldn't treat you like glass. It's just… this is hard for me too, you know?"
When Cory didn't speak, Shawn kissed his temple and let out a low sigh. "Seeing you like this kills me and I don't… I don't want to make that worse. I don't want to tell you something and make you hurt worse. I know it's not an excuse for making you feel like I don't trust you but… can you at least understand where I'm coming from?"
"I can understand it… I just don't like it." Cory whispered. "I expected everyone else to treat me like that but not you."
"I'm trying, Cor. It's just not as easy as it looks." Shawn said.
Cory shook his head. "I'm the one who should be sorry, not you." He leaned his head against Shawn's shoulder. "I just… I want you to treat me like you always do. Leave the fragile shit to everyone else. Someone has to be on my side of this whole thing."
"No one's against you, Cor. We all want you to be okay." Shawn said, pressing a kiss to his temple.
"I'm not saying anyone's against me. Just… they're all going to treat me like I'm going to break. They're going to want you to hide things from me and they're… they're going to treat me different. I need someone who'll tell them to knock it off." Cory said.
Shawn blinked at him. "And you think I won't?" He asked.
"Not if you keep acting the way you did earlier." Cory replied. "How can you tell them to knock it
off if you're doing the same thing?"
"Because it's still my job to stand behind you. I rely on you to call me out on my bullshit, you know." Shawn said.
Cory sighed. "You're not wrong." He muttered before hiding his face between his knees again.
"Come back to bed, huh?" Shawn pleaded.
"You go ahead. I just… I…" Cory faltered, unable to continue through the lump in his throat.
Shawn sighed. "What's wrong, Cor? There's something else."
There was, but Cory didn't feel like talking about it. He remained silent, staring into space as Shawn watched him.
"Cor, talk to me. Please." Shawn said after it became clear that Cory wasn't going to speak.
"When are you going to get tired of this?" Cory asked, closing his eyes.
Shawn let out a tired sigh. "Of what? You?"
Cory didn't bother to acknowledge the question, choosing instead to bury his face against his knees. This was the last conversation he wanted to be having right then, but there was no way around it. Shawn wasn't going to let him get out of this.
"I'm not going to get tired of you, Cory. Not in a million years." Shawn forced Cory to look at him. "I want you. I've wanted you since I was sixteen years old. Nothing is going to change that. Why don't you believe that?"
"How could you not get tired of me? My life these past few months has just been one shit show after another. That has got to be tiring." Cory murmured.
Shawn tugged him into his arms. "The only thing I get tired of is seeing you hurt, but that doesn't mean I'm going to leave you. I'm sorry, Cor, but you're stuck with me."
"I'm sorry, Shawnie. I didn't mean to be mean." Cory whispered.
"You had every right. If I do something that hurts you, I want you to tell me. I can't change it if you don't tell me." Shawn said. "Can we go back to bed now?"
Cory nodded and allowed himself to be pulled back to bed where Shawn curled around him.
"You want to tell me what that was about with your sister now?" Cory asked, looking down into Shawn's face.
Shawn sighed. "We got into a fight after mom died because I chose to stay at the hospital with you rather than going to mom's bedside." He rolled his eyes. "I hadn't seen mom in years and I only spoke to Stacy once a month, usually when she needed money. Mom's death was a shock, but you were more important."
"I'm sorry you missed it because I had to be an idiot, Shawnie." Cory whispered, feeling guilty regardless.
"It's okay, Cor. I'm actually kind of glad to have missed it. I mean, I wish it hadn't been for such a scary reason, but I'm glad. You and I both know that I've never done well with funerals." Shawn leaned down to kiss Cory's temple.
As Cory moved to answer, a knock sounded at the door and they both jumped. Shawn turned to raise a questioning eye to Cory.
"Did you invite anyone to the house today?" He asked.
Cory shook his head. "I haven't even talked to anyone but you today." He said, following Shawn to the door.
A moment later, Shawn turned to shrug at Cory. "It's your dad." He said.
Cory's stomach did a queasy little flop. He could tell by the scowl on his father's face that this wasn't a friendly social call and he wasn't ready to deal with it. Honestly, he'd hoped to have a few more days of peace before talking to anyone but Shawn.
"I didn't want to have to do this, but you're coming home Cory." Alan ordered, reaching out to grab for Cory's arm.
Cory jerked away from him and moved to stand behind Shawn. "I'm staying right where I am." He said.
"That wasn't a request." Alan said. "Shawn obviously can't handle taking care of you."
"What the hell are you talking about?" Cory demanded. "Shawn's the only one taking care of me right now. He's the only person I trust." He began to back away from his father, Shawn's hand clutched tightly in his own.
"Obviously he isn't because you didn't even last a full week in the hospital before he broke down and brought you home."
Alan stepped forward and made another attempt to grab Cory, but was pushed away by Shawn.
Cory shuddered, pressing himself against Shawn's back with a quiet whimper.
"It wasn't up to me to keep him there if he didn't want to be." Shawn said. He stepped in front of Cory and blocked him from Alan's view.
"He's tried to kill himself twice now, Shawn!" Alan yelled, "He needed to be there, goddammit!"
Shawn shook his head. "That wasn't where he needed to be." He said. "He wasn't eating or sleeping in there. Every time Eric and I talked to him, he just sounded worse! Is that what you wanted? For him to get worse instead of better?"
"Amy and I talked to him every day and he sounded better." Alan said, faltering.
Cory shook his head. "I didn't want you to worry." He whispered against Shawn's shoulder blade. "I was scared you'd think I was a failure if you knew that I was getting worse in there."
Alan blinked, suddenly seeming unsure of himself. "But you can't just leave, Cory. You need help."
"Topanga found a therapist a few blocks away that we're going to see on Monday morning." Cory murmured. "It's Saturday in case you hadn't noticed."
Alan scrubbed a hand down his face. "I'm sorry, Cory. I shouldn't have just barged in here like this."
"Can you please just go? I want to go back to bed." Cory whispered.
Shawn turned to press a kiss to his forehead. "Go ahead and go back to bed, Cor. I'll be back in a sec."
Cory didn't look at his father as he went back to the bedroom. He knew he would most likely regret talking to his father that way at some point, but he didn't really care right then. The fact that his father had come here with the intent to take him away from Shawn terrified him. Shawn was the only person that he knew he could trust one hundred percent of the time. In bed, he curled onto his side and drew his knees up to his chest. His chest ached as sobs began ripping themselves out of him.
Warm arms wrapped themselves around his waist, turning him around gently. Cory pressed his face into the curve of Shawn's neck and tried to stop the tears. Shawn's hands moved up and down his back and Cory tried to focus on that, pushing the pain to the back of his mind. What little hope he'd gained back since leaving the hospital quickly faded, leaving him drained and hopeless again. He stopped trying to hold back his tears and sagged against Shawn's chest with a small cry.
