Twelve
Though he knew his father hadn't meant to hurt him, Cory didn't talk to his father for the next few days. They went to the therapist on Monday as they'd promised and met Amy there, though Cory wasn't too sure he was ready to see her yet either. He loved his parents but he still felt like he'd failed them in some way and being faced with them made everything seem worse. When he'd told Shawn about it, Shawn had told him that he didn't have to see anyone he wasn't ready for. It brought Cory some measure of peace to know that at least Shawn was behind him, supporting him.
His therapist was an older man named James Heath. Dr. Heath - who insisted that Cory called him James - was a nice enough guy but Cory was wary of him. He was too nice, though he knew that didn't make any sense. Still, Cory refused to ask for another therapist. He was sick of feeling like he'd failed someone. By the time they left the office after Cory's first appointment with him, Cory felt a little better because he'd managed to keep at least one promise.
"Eric called while you were in your appointment." Shawn said as they walked back to his car. "He wants to know if we'll do dinner with them."
Cory shrugged. "Where at?"
"He said they'd be willing to do a barbecue at out place. Apparently Jack bought some steaks that he wants to grill but they don't have a grill." Shawn rolled his eyes. "We also have those burgers that I was going to make last night and forgot about."
"That sounds good actually. We'll need to go pick up a case of soda and maybe some potato salad or something." Cory said.
"Jack has it covered. He's already on his way to the store."
Cory reached over and kissed Shawn's cheek. "Then I guess we have a plan." He said.
Shawn nodded as they pulled out of the parking lot and Cory laid his head against the window with a quiet yawn.
"You okay?" Shawn asked, reaching over to take his hand.
Cory nodded. "Just tired. I didn't sleep too well last night."
"Why don't I tell Eric and Jack to come over at seven so you can take a nap? It'll give me a chance to unload the dishwasher that I've been putting off for the last two days." Shawn said.
"That would be nice." Cory admitted.
Cory fell silent as they parked in front of the house. He was so tired that his eyelids felt like sandpaper. Shawn was frowning worriedly at him as he unlocked the front door and Cory tried to reassure him with a smile but found it impossible. He was too exhausted to do more than
twitch his lips.
"You okay, Cor?" Shawn asked.
Cory leaned into the arm Shawn wrapped around his waist. "I'm just really tired. I didn't sleep last night." He murmured. "D'you mind if I sleep on the couch? I don't feel like going all the way to bed."
"I'll get you a pillow and a blanket. Go lay down, babe."
Cory trudged off to the couch and lay down. Cruel voices filled his mind the second he closed his eyes. He put his hands over his face and fought back a sob. For weeks, he hadn't been able to sleep without his mind repeating everything he'd ever done wrong and he was beginning to wonder how much longer he would be able to handle it.
"Cor?" Shawn whispered.
Cory uncovered his face and Shawn let out a quiet gasp. He sat down and pulled Cory into his arms without speaking for a long time.
"You're not just tired." Shawn rubbed his hands up and down Cory's back.
"I can't stop hearing it." Cory lay his forehead against Shawn's shoulder and took a deep breath.
"What do you keep hearing, love?" Shawn pressed his lips to Cory's temple.
Cory shuddered. "Everything that's wrong with me." He murmured. "I can't close my eyes without hearing it."
"Why didn't you tell me? The doc prescribed sleeping pills last week. You could have taken those." Shawn whispered.
"I didn't want to feel weak." Cory whispered. "I just… I'm tired of feeling like a failure."
Shawn pulled back to look down into Cory's eyes. "You're not a failure just because you need help coping with things sometimes." He said. "Come to me next time. I don't want you hurting in silence."
Shame welled up in Cory's chest, though he tried to shove it down. He knew that Shawn didn't blame him but he couldn't help feeling like he'd failed yet again. It was such a simple thing to do. Just tell someone when he needed help. That was it. But he couldn't seem to be able to do it no matter how hard he tried. Tears began to slip down his cheeks and he looked away from
Shawn's face with a low sob.
Shawn tilted his chin up again. "I can see what you're thinking and you are not a failure." He kissed Cory's forehead gently. "It's hard to ask for help. No one knows that better than I do. You know that better than anyone."
"I'm sorry, Shawnie. I'm…" Cory whispered, closing his eyes.
"Don't apologize." Shawn wiped his tears and leaned in for a gentle kiss. "Why don't you go upstairs and relax? I think maybe we'll reschedule with our brothers."
A weight lifted from Cory's chest. "Are you sure? You were looking forward to that."
"We'll reschedule until you've gotten some sleep." Shawn said. "I'll order some Chinese food and we'll spend the night in bed together. Go on upstairs. I'll call Jack and be up there in a few minutes."
Cory nodded and kissed Shawn gently before climbing the stairs to the bedroom they shared. He knew things would get better eventually, but everything just felt so hopeless right then. It made him feel discouraged even though he'd tried to hide it. Reminding himself that he wasn't a failure was exhausting. It was like he was fighting with himself and he was losing. He was tired of his own brain betraying him.
Shawn was smiling when he entered the room and Cory tried to smile back but it felt more like a grimace. He was grateful when Shawn didn't lose his smile. Neither of them spoke as Shawn climbed into bed beside him and tugged Cory against his chest, still smiling softly.
"Can I ask you a question?" Cory whispered, listening to Shawn's heart beneath his ear.
Shawn ran a hand up and down his back. "Anything."
"Why am I who you want?" Cory fought to keep his voice even. "I'm not doubting that you love me… I just don't understand why."
Shawn was silent for a long moment, his hand still rubbing slow circles into Cory's back.
"You're the only person that has never let me push you away. I think I fell in love with you before I ever even realized it was happening." Shawn whispered. "I just never thought you'd want me when you had Topanga."
"I think I always knew I wanted you. I just pushed it away because I didn't think I could have that." Cory pushed his face against Shawn's chest. "I loved Topanga, but I didn't love her the way I should have and I wish I would have figured that out before I married her."
Shawn kissed his forehead. "Topanga doesn't blame you, you know. She knows you couldn't help it."
"Have you been talking with her?" Cory asked. He hadn't spoken to Topanga in… he couldn't remember the last time.
"She calls every once in a while." Shawn replied. "Just to make sure we're okay. She knows you're not ready to talk to her, but she still cares so she calls me."
Cory sighed. He knew he shouldn't feel guilty about not speaking to Topanga, but he couldn't help it. Topanga hadn't done anything to deserve what he'd done to her. He didn't think he would ever forgive himself for breaking his promise to her. He'd promised that he would never stop loving her and he had. Or maybe he'd never loved her the way she wanted.
"I don't think I ever loved her the way she wanted me to." Cory whispered.
Shawn kissed him. "She doesn't blame you. You don't choose who you love and Topanga knows that. 'Sides, she's dating someone new as well. A blonde woman named Katy."
"I didn't even know she was into women." Cory said.
"Neither did she. Katy took her completely by surprise." Shawn laughed. "She sent me a picture of them a little while ago. I'll show it to you later. They're pretty cute together."
Cory felt himself smile. "All I ever wanted is for her to be happy." He said.
"Trust me, she's happy. Katy's taking her to California next month and Topanga's pretty excited." Shawn said.
Cory chuckled. "She deserves it."
"So do you." Shawn said.
Cory looked up and had to close his eyes at the love he saw reflected in Shawn's eyes. He had to push back the urge to disbelieve that Shawn really loved him. It was a fact. Shawn had loved him since they were kids. Cory knew it. But his head wouldn't let him believe it.
"Logically," Cory whispered. "I know that you love me. But my brain keeps telling me that you're faking it or pretending or… or I don't know. It sounds stupid, I know."
Shawn kissed his temple. "It's not stupid, Cor. I promise. I'm glad you were honest with me. I want you to listen to me, okay? Can you do that?"
"I can… I can do that."
"I love you. I'm not faking or pretending. You are the only person I've ever loved and I promise you that I will never, ever not love you." Shawn's voice was so insistent, so sincere that Cory couldn't disbelieve him. This was real. Shawn loved him. He didn't want anyone else.
Cory kissed him. "I… I believe you."
This time, Shawn was the one who surged forward to press their lips together. Cory waited only a moment before tangling their tongues together and wrapping his arms around Shawn's neck. They stayed like that for a long time, love and happiness filling the space between them. Cory put every last one of his feelings for Shawn into that kiss, saying with his lips and tongue what he hadn't yet been able to say with words. Shawn poured those words right back to him.
