=Normal POV=
[Friday, 5/24/2019; 6:45 pm]
[Berk, Forger/Haddock Home]
Even getting all the comfort from Trayden, and having the second pill in his system now; Hayden was still in a bad state of mind. The depression and desire to end his life hadn't gone away, but then again, the depression never left; it was easier to deal with, and Hayden was overall happier up until he got attacked at the cemetery. Things also felt off and worse because Hayden knew that in a month; it would mark two years since his parents were murdered. Being off his medication for four days, coupled with everything else going on, such as losing his psychiatrist, made things hard for Hayden to cope. Hayden hadn't known what to do earlier, but after having the flashback of Trayden and him talking at Berk General's Psych Ward; Hayden knew he couldn't give in and stop fighting.
As much as Hayden didn't want to return to the mental hospital; he had considered it when Gabriel first mentioned, but it would be on the condition he admitted himself and to Archian Psychiatric, not Berk, not after last time when he got attacked by another patient. However, Gabriel mentioned going to see Trayden, and something sparked in Hayden to do it. To at least try, and if that failed; he would admit himself until things evened out. However, by a stroke of luck, being in Trayden's arms helped, and Rachel wrote Hayden's prescription for his anti-depressants since she knew that they were and the dosage Hayden was on. After calming some, Hayden told Trayden that he wanted to stay with him for the night and have his friends around; that he didn't care if they stayed at Tray's or went over to Hayden's.
Hayden chose not to be alone or continue trying to do this by himself. So despite how he still felt right now; he knew the people in his life would not let him fall. Everyone had gotten to Hayden and Gabriel's house now, and settled in the basement with their sleeping bags. Devon and Miya were absent, but that was because Miya gave birth on Tuesday, the 21st of May at 5:10 am after going into labor around 6 pm on Monday night. Miya was officially on maternity leave until September when the new school year would begin. Tonight, Miya and Devon were both home with their baby and promised to do a little party so everyone could meet their new son, Oswald Bazirk the Second.
"Hayden, you hungry?" Syrus wondered as the friends were finally settling down to eat their dinner, pizza, and wings as per tradition group sleepover supper.
Hayden shook his head while sitting on the couch and flipping through channels; he was still quiet, looked upset, and semi-shaking. The second pill was helping to keep him slightly level as far as mood went, but Hayden was exhausted and couldn't sleep, and he had no appetite. After the freakout and crying; he was back to being quiet and having no drive to anything while looking nervous occasionally, or just miserable. The friends weren't sure how tonight would go, but at least Hayden was letting them be near him instead of being closed off like he had all week.
. . .
[9:30 pm]
"You look tired, babe," Trayden pointed out.
"I am…But I haven't been able to sleep the last couple of days. I've been restless without my meds," Hayden said. "I just lay awake,"
"Well, you've got Trayden to sleep against tonight. Maybe that will help?" Mindy offered.
"Yeah, maybe tonight it'll work. But you guys forget that I can't always rely on Tray being here…I gotta learn how to deal with shit on my own…" Hayden sighed.
"And you will, love," Trayden moved to sit next to his boyfriend now, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. "But for the time being, until you can handle this on your own, you are more than welcome to rely on me. You know I don't mind, Hayden," he stated. "Everyone learns to stand on their own eventually…But in the meantime; they get help. So don't worry so much if you happen to need it right now,"
"The rate I'm going; I'm gonna need it the rest of my life…" Hayden muttered.
"That just means you'll never walk alone," Alicia informed. "Which is the one thing we wanted you to realize when you started with us," Hailey giggled.
"I'd say that goal was achieved," Bryan agreed. "You've come a long way," he added.
"After this week I've had…Feels like I haven't gone anywhere but backward…" Hayden looked down.
"Hayden, that's just the thing," Evan said. "After the week you've had," he said.
"Evan is right," Mindy replied. "You've had a hard few weeks with being jumped, losing your psychiatrist, and missing a few days of your medication,"
"Missing one dose alone is enough to make me start getting edgy…" Hayden closed his eyes.
"So it's a minor set back, babe. No big deal…You recognized you needed help when you felt like you couldn't handle it anymore, and sought it out. How is that going backward?" Trayden smiled. "Two years ago; you would have just stayed put and never said a word. You didn't ask for help; you didn't trust anyone…The slightest movements would scare you. Hayden, the others are right; you've come a long way,"
"But I still couldn't do it, Tray…I still fell apart…" Hayden looked at him, tears in his eyes again.
"Hayden, you still admitted to Gabriel you couldn't do it and went to Trayden to help you because you remembered that he's a powerful source of comfort. You choose to do that, and from our angle; it looks like it worked to a degree. It was enough to relax you a little until Gabriel came with your pill," Alyssa informed.
"And hey…Maybe it was supposed to happen this way. You needed help, found it, ended up with a full prescription of pills for the month, and a new psychiatrist who you don't have to re-explain everything to," Trayden shrugged. "Seems like a win in all corners to me. You had a little hiccup, babe, and it wasn't your fault. You saw that you needed help and took the chance to get it before things got bad. You didn't hurt yourself," Trayden said.
Hayden tensed at that comment. Hayden glanced at his right wrist where his dressing was covered by a long sleeve green shirt. Hayden knew he should tell Trayden the truth; that he did hurt himself and stopped because of the flashback he got. Hayden sighed; he had to tell Trayden because they didn't have secrets between them.
"Tray…" Hayden said.
"You didn't let your depression win; you got help," Trayden smiled.
"Tray…" Hayden tried again.
"You got the help before anything happened. I'm really proud of you," Trayden leaned in to kiss Hayden's cheek, but Hayden moved, getting up.
"Trayden, I did let my depression win, and I didn't get help before anything happened…" Hayden said quickly, silencing the room as eyes fell on him.
"What do you mean?" Alicia tried. Hayden looked off to the side.
"Hayden…" Trayden stood now. "Hayden, hey…What do you mean? Please tell me?" he asked gently, with concern.
"I-," Hayden started, but Gabriel came downstairs.
"That's what I'd like to know…" Gabriel stated. "Is it anything to do with why I found blood on your comforter, this on the floor, and these on your bed?" he asked, revealing the open blade knife that had dried blood on it and a bottle of pills. Hayden glanced at the floor now. Gabriel approached Hayden slowly. "What happened before you came out of your room and told me you couldn't do it, that you couldn't stop thinking about suicide?"
"I-I cut myself a couple of times…A-And I was gonna overdose…" Hayden confessed.
"Let me see," Gabriel ordered. Hayden sighed as he drew up his right sleeve, showing the quickly fastened dressing around his wrist. "You wrap this?" Hayden nodded. "Washed, rinsed, dried, and put anti-bacterial cream on it?"
"Then gauze and wrappings, yes…" Hayden replied. "You taught me how to deal with wounds, Uncle Gabe…"
"Yes, I did. And now I need to understand something else…" Gabriel started as he let Hayden's wrist go and he pulled his sleeve down again. "Those pills are new, haven't even been opened yet…And your knife was on the floor. If you were aiming to hide what you did; you wouldn't have left these things out to be found. And if you were going to go through with killing yourself; you wouldn't have hesitated. You could have done it this time; your door was locked, you were quiet, and had asked to be alone to try and get some sleep," he continued. "So what made you stop?"
"I…Cut twice, and then…Had a flashback of something Trayden told me at Berk Hospital when you had me admitted last June…" Hayden said softly. "It was when he said that if I started feeling down again, suicidal…To tell someone. It didn't matter, who, but tell anyone and if I wanted things to stop, ask for help. Tray made me promise…And then after I did…He told me I didn't have to be afraid of asking for help; there was no shame in it," he looked at Trayden now.
"When I snapped out of it; I realize I'd cut myself again subconsciously. I…Dropped the knife and it bounced onto the floor. I got mad at myself for cutting, told myself that I didn't do this anymore. I realized I couldn't do this by myself…And I didn't want to. I went to the bathroom to clean and wrap my wrist…And then I went to see you about not being able to handle it anymore…I didn't want to go back to the mental hospital, not after what happened last time," Hayden admitted.
"The second you suggested going to see Trayden; I remembered the rest of my flashback when Trayden told me that he'd always be there if I needed him. It…Just felt right to want him; the comforting, safe, feeling I get when I'm in his arms always makes me feel better. And being around everyone else too…I guess I knew going over to Trayden's would mean I got that security from him and my friends…" Hayden glanced at all of his friends.
"I didn't want to die; I still don't. I only wanted the pain to stop…And I realized I needed help to make that happen; I needed to stop thinking I had to do this alone. All I needed was family and friends; if I hadn't shut everyone out…I probably would have been a lot better this past week. I can't change what's already happened, but I can make sure that I don't lose sight of it again," Hayden said.
Trayden hugged Hayden tightly now. Hayden blinked a few times before Trayden pulled back a bit, cupping his cheeks. "I stand by what I said. You didn't let your depression win, Hayden. Maybe you cut a few times, but you remembered what I said. You stopped cutting, wrapped it up, and went to tell someone what was going on. You got help before something happened. And I am ridiculously proud of you," he kissed him deeply.
"We all are," Syrus said; the others smiled and nodded.
"So am I, laddie," Gabriel ruffled his hair a little and hugged him. "But, you know…Maybe we let me keep pills and the knife. I'd feel…A lot better if they weren't in your bedroom…At least for now?"
"You can have the pills unless I get a headache or a migraine…Those are the only ones that work. And I keep the knife…" Hayden said, taking it from him. "Dad gave it to me when I was thirteen…Never leaves my side," he added.
"Except for when you were admitted?" Tyler asked.
"I didn't have it while in foster care. It's one of the things I left behind; I grabbed it again when Gabriel and I went for that first time in April of 2018. But no; it hasn't left my side since then. It's usually in the car during school, any other time; it's in my pocket," Hayden took it from Gabriel and went to the basement sink to wash the blade. Hayden dried it off and snapped it closed, then back open to make sure the spring-load snap open still worked right. Hayden also whipped it to the side to see that it still opened that way.
"Beautiful blade," Bryan complimented.
"Thanks," Hayden said before he slipped it into his pocket. "And out of curiosity…Why were you in my room, Uncle Gabe?"
"I was gonna do laundry and didn't have a huge pile, figured I'd grab yours to make a full load," Gabriel shrugged. "You didn't have any laundry anyway,"
"I know…I did it yesterday," Hayden rolled his eyes.
"Noticed. So, you good now?" Gabriel inquired.
"Not great or even good; still gotta readjust to meds and sleeping again, but I'm better than I was…And hungry…" Hayden mumbled.
"There's leftover Chinese upstairs in the fridge. I'll warm it up for you," Gabriel chuckled.
"Thanks, Uncle Gabriel," Hayden smiled a bit. Gabriel hugged Hayden and prepared to leave. "Wait…Gimme one of those pills before you go?"
"Head bothering ya?" Gabriel asked as he turned back and opened the container to give one to Hayden. "Be back in a few minutes," he departed upstairs. Hayden cracked open Pepsi and took the pill before sitting down on the couch.
"Migraine forming?" Trayden asked.
"No, but rather stop it before it does," Hayden closed his eyes. Trayden sat down beside him, lifting an arm and inviting Hayden over to lay on him. Hayden smiled a little and leaned over on his boyfriend. Hayden yawned and turned to drape his arm over Trayden's midsection. "So comfy…" he said contently.
"Glad I'm useful in being your bed," Trayden chuckled sarcastically.
"Oh, baby you're useful to me in a lot of ways…" Hayden looked up at him.
"Now, there's my Hayden. Cute, cuddly, sarcastic, and perverted as fuck," Trayden said as he held Hayden tightly and kissed his forehead. "I really am proud of you, babe,"
"I've only gotten this far because of you, Tray," Hayden stated. "You started it all by saving me, and here we are two years later. This, having friends, talking in sessions, being happy…All this is because of you putting yourself in my life as someone I can forever trust and love," he snuggled up more, looking at his boyfriend. "I love you,"
"I love you too," Trayden replied, tilting his neck some and meeting Hayden's lips for a kiss. "Just promise me that you'll always remember you're here for a reason," Hayden opened his eyes now, sitting up and looking at Trayden carefully. "What?"
"Those words…" Hayden tilted his head; then he suddenly got up and went over to his desk, looking for something.
"I've become very confused…" Ford stared.
"You ain't the only one…" Katie blinked a few times. Hayden located his notebook and flipped through the pages and found whatever he was looking for. Hayden got a pen and started writing on the page.
"Um?" Trayden started. "Y-You good, babe?"
"Yep!" Hayden nodded, still writing.
"What, uh, what are you doing?" Syrus wondered.
"Working on something before I forget what just came to mind," Hayden stated as Gabriel came down and set the plate on Hayden's desk.
"And he's back," Gabriel snickered.
"You hush…I never left," Hayden remarked, his eyes never leaving the notebook.
"I meant with the music," Gabriel informed. "Haven't seen you touch it in two weeks,"
"Not touching the music, technically. I'm only writing something down," Hayden mentioned as he finished and set the pen down, closing the notebook now.
"So…New song? Is that what you were doing?" Rylee inquired.
"Yes and no. It's an old song I'd semi-finished, but after I put everything together; I didn't like how it sounded. However…Something Tray said got me thinking on new lyrics that might work better,"
"Do we get to hear them?" Hailey wondered.
"Not tonight. Music will need a bit of adjusting first, and I don't have the energy to do it right now," Hayden admitted as he grabbed his plate and went back to the couch. Hayden got the chopsticks and started eating his dinner. It might have been late, but at least he was eating. Gabriel knew Hayden hadn't eaten a lot since Tuesday morning when they realized the pills had run out. Hayden ate breakfast that day, and lunch at school, but by dinner; his appetite was gone. Hayden still forced himself to eat at lunch hour in school, and sometimes a few bites from dinner or breakfast on Wednesday, and Thursday. Hayden would get through six or seven before saying that he felt sick.
Tonight was no different, Gabriel watched Hayden eat two chicken tenders, some rice, one peking dumpling, and half of a beef teriyaki stick before making a weird face and setting the plate down. "Thought you said you were hungry?" Evan asked.
"I…Was…" Hayden mumbled, curling up against Trayden now.
"His appetite has been out of whack since Tuesday; he honestly hasn't eaten that much here."
"Hayden's been a selective eater these past four days. Sometimes a little bit, or not at all. If he eats too much; he starts feeling sick. I suspect it might be that way until he evens out again," Gabriel mentioned.
"How do we know how long that will take?" Tyler questioned.
"I give it a few days to a week. Hayden needs to get back on a normal sleeping and eating schedule. After that, his body should be readjusted again," Trayden stated.
"Hard to sleep when I can't move around or risk landing on my wrist…Or sides…" Hayden muttered.
"Well, if I'm here; you should be fine. You stay against me in one position all night long," Trayden said.
"And when I'm not sleeping; I have you in many positions against me," Hayden grinned.
"Yeah…He's back," Trayden shook his head a bit and kissed Hayden's forehead. "Seriously, though, babe…You should get ready for bed now that you've eaten and are calm. I know you're tired; it's in your eyes and voice," he offered.
"Trayden is right, lad. I know it's one of yer sleepovers, but you've had a long week, and this is the calmest I've seen you, so take advantage and get yourself back to semi-normal again?" he suggested.
"Okay…" Hayden yawned while getting up and going to the bathroom. After two minutes; he came out and found Trayden already laying down on the couch and waiting for him. Hayden snuggled up and got comfortable next to his boyfriend; they shared a kiss before Hayden closed his eyes and was shockingly fast asleep within ten minutes.
"What do we do now?" Ford wondered.
"It's about 10 pm. Hayden and I will be here all night. I'm sure he wouldn't mind us watching TV or play a game as long as we keep it down," Trayden stated. The friends shrugged and agreed; this is what they'd be doing around this time at Trayden's too if they were still over there. Everyone came to Hayden's because he said he wanted them around, and perhaps that's why he was so much calmer now; he knew he wasn't alone. Despite Hayden being asleep; he could likely hear the noise and talking, so it subconsciously let him know there were others around.
This was a strange day, but hopefully now; things would be okay with Hayden back on his medication. The next big event was Hayden to start seeing Rachel Raseri as his new Psychiatrist, and the talent show next Friday. Following that would be Senior Prom, and finally, graduation. None of the friends could wait; their time at Berk High School was just about over in about three weeks.
