=Normal POV=
[Wednesday, 12/25/2019; 4:30 pm]
[Berk; Haddock/Forger House]
After the one-year anniversary, things returned to normal, or as much as it could be. Everyone was still busy with their lives and enjoyed Thanksgiving when it went by. Hayden spent his with Savannah, Spencer, and Gabriel. Trayden came over for desserts, but no one else, which was fine. Everyone knew that with High School over now; they all had their own lives to lead. Most had apartments with their significant other, expecting a child, engaged, or about to be. In Hayden's life; he had a child already, in a relationship, and living only a street over from his boyfriend.
There was no need for Hayden and Trayden to rush into getting a place together, and if anything; Trayden would move into Hayden's house or they would find their apartment later down the line. It seemed pointless as Hayden helped Gabriel purchase the house, so it made sense that Hayden would remain there with his son, Gabriel, and Savannah. If Trayden moved in; he would share Hayden's room, and everyone would share the house. However, there was time for all that since Trayden didn't mind living at home, and he and Hayden had only been together for a year and almost two months. Plus, they lived across the street from one another; it was fairly easy for them to hang out.
Perhaps in another year or so; they would rediscuss living together, but for now; things were comfortable. Hayden was officially off his medication as of December 1st, 2019. Hayden kept his dosage at the lowest possible and taken once a day up until November 30th, and then he did not have it refilled. It was a struggle to cope with things, and it still is even now that it's December, but Hayden was managing little by little and day by day. Hayden was keeping in touch with Rachel daily about how things were going without the medication. So far, it's been twenty-five days, and Hayden hasn't had any breakdowns or suicidal thoughts. That wasn't to say he didn't have moments of sadness that required more effort to control or it would get bad.
And still, no one but Rachel knew Hayden was off his meds. Hayden planned to let everyone know at the New Year's party he was hosting at the house. Hayden felt like he could cope with things on his own or with help from Rachel if he wasn't entirely sure how to deal with something that came up. Hayden still saw Rachel for sessions, but only once a week to touch base on things and work through anything new that might pop up. However, as usual; the holidays were harder. Hayden figured that it was just because his parents weren't with him, again, for the third year in a row. It's supposed to get easier, but without his meds this time; it was difficult.
This Christmas hit harder because Dimitri was gone, things were at peace, but Hayden was still upset, and he didn't have the meds to fall back on as he did the previous two years. His first year was miserable at the Jorgenson's, that was also when he'd just been released from the nut house, not talking about what he'd been through, and not trusting anyone. The second year was semi-better, everyone came out to make sure he was okay. But both of those years; he had his anti-depressants. This year; Hayden did not. Yes, there was Gabriel, Spencer, Savannah, his two dogs, and cat. Hayden had graduated High School, got his parents' murders put away for life, and things are relaxed. But there was no medication, and his parents were still gone.
Christmas Eve was quiet, mainly sitting around and enjoying a family dinner. This morning, Christmas, was also family-related. There was a gift exchange between everyone, but Spencer's were from Santa Claus, of course. Hayden got gifts for Savannah, his son, Gabriel, and Trayden. Hayden got his friends gift cards; it was just easier, but he wasn't sure when he'd see them, so the presents would be under the tree for now. Hayden also got a few things for Dex, Aria, Cole, and Eliot; then a gift card for Dustin and Rachel to go out to dinner at a place of their choosing. Hayden had been feeling a bit sad since Christmas Eve morning, and it was beginning to come on heavier now that most of Christmas day was over.
"Laddie, are you alright?" Gabriel asked.
"Hm? Yeah, fine…Just tired I guess," Hayden admitted. "I might go lie down for a little if that's alright?"
"Go on, lad. It's quiet right now, and I don't think anyone is coming over. If they do; I'll wake ya," Gabriel smiled. Hayden nodded, getting up and heading for his room.
"Is Hayden okay, Dad?" Savannah wondered curiously.
"I think it's just the time of year, Savannah. Christmas's haven't been good for him, neither have June's…Well, let's just leave it as he has moments," Gabriel explained, the best he was able to. Savannah nodded, understanding, but she was worried for her older brother.
. . .
[4:15 pm]
[Berk; Raseri Home]
Trayden was sitting in the living room; his Christmas dinner was over now and everyone relaxing until desserts. Trayden couldn't help but be concerned for Hayden; he'd been quiet all day. There was one Merry Christmas message sent from Hayden to Trayden, and all their friends this morning at 7 am. But that was it. Hayden didn't reply to anything else, so Trayden and the other friends were a bit worried and currently discussing it in a group message, one that didn't include Hayden.
4:16 pm
Has anyone heard from him besides the text this morning? Sy? Alicia? Did you guys go over there? Or them to your house?
Syrus, 4:17 pm
We're supposed to go for desserts, but Gabriel messaged Dad and said Hayden is having one of his moments.
Alicia, 4:18 pm
And that Hayden has already gone to bed.
Bryan, 4:20 pm
Maybe we should check on him?
Hailey, 4:21 pm
Most of us are done with our main family celebrations.
Mindy, 4:23 pm
Just finished here. I think that's a good idea. We know Hayden struggles during this time of year.
4:24 pm
Alright. Let's meet at his house and see him together?
Trayden watched as the others messaged in and agreed before he got up. "Where are you going, son?" Dustin inquired.
"The friends and I are going over to check on Hayden. Sy said they were supposed to go over, but Hayden's already gone to bed. We're all worried, and we know this isn't an easy time of year," Trayden informed.
"Wasn't last year alright for him?" Aria wondered.
"Yeah, but…I guess not this one," Trayden shrugged.
"Last year he had everyone around, and he was on his meds," Rachel stated casually.
"What do you mean was on?" Trayden asked instantly. Rachel quickly covered her mouth.
"You…Didn't know?" Rachel inquired in a nervous, high voice.
"Know what? Mom…Tell me," Trayden said instantly. Rachel sighed.
"I…Thought you knew…" Rachel looked down. "I can't say anything else. I already said more than I should…It's up to Hayden to tell you,"
Trayden glared a bit as he grabbed his keys, heading for the door. "Hang on, son…We'll come too," Dustin stated. Trayden nodded, waiting for the rest to be ready, wondering helplessly about what his mother said. After ten minutes, the Raseri's packed up into Rachel's car; the headed for Hayden's.
. . .
[4:35 pm]
[Berk; Haddock/Forger House]
Of course, when Trayden and his family showed up; the others were also just arriving. Trayden knocked on the door first, and Savannah answered it with a smile.
"Hi, Tray," Savannah greeted.
"Hi, Savannah. Merry Christmas…Is Hayden here?" Trayden inquired.
"Yeah, he's laying down. Said he was tired," Savannah stated.
"Who is it, Savannah?" Gabriel called.
"The Raseri's Jorgenson's and all Hayden's friends! They wanna check on him," Savannah replied.
"Bring them inside. I'll get him," Gabriel stated, coming down the hall and turning to get to Hayden's room. Savannah opened the door more, letting the group inside to get to the living room and find a seat to sit down. Gabriel returned a few moments afterward, and then not far behind him was Hayden, who tiredly walked out rubbing his eyes.
"I literally…Just got to sleep…" Hayden muttered.
"Your friends worry about you, kiddo," Gabriel stated.
"You haven't answered all day," Alicia said softly.
"It's Christmas…Figured everyone would be off their phones to be with family. My parents never allowed me to have my phone during major holidays. Then again…Never had any friends either, so didn't make any difference to me if I had it or not," Hayden shrugged.
"So…You're okay?" Devon asked.
"Okay is stretching it. I'm dealing as I do every day," Hayden mentioned. "But since you're all here now…" Hayden added while heading back into his room. After a few minutes; he returned and started passing gifts out. "I can give you my presents," he said, trying to smile.
"Well, we got you something too; from all of us. Trayden's been holding onto it, since he sees you more," Syrus chuckled. Hayden arched a brow now as Trayden went outside, to his mother's car, and grabbed the wrapped box. Returning, Trayden presented it to Hayden with a smile.
"We hope you like it," Katie giggled. Hayden sat down on the couch, tearing open the wrapping paper off and looking at the box. Hayden flipped open the flaps and looked inside; there were two bears side by side and holding hands with a red heart between the hands. One had green eyes with reddish fur with a skin tone colored face. The other had autumn fur, skin tone face, and blue/green eyes. They looked like his parents, to be entirely honest.
"It's…Cute. Bit old for stuffed animals, but I appreciate the thought," Hayden smiled.
"Press the heart, babe," Trayden said, getting closer to his boyfriend and putting an arm around his shoulders. Hayden suddenly got nervous, but he did so.
"We love you, Hayden," came the voices of his parents. Hayden's eyes widened, tensing a bit. Tears started to form, and threaten to spill over.
"It was the Build-A-Bear thing…It was custom-made to…Represent your parents. And we took that clip of their voices and had it put inside the heart," Trayden stated. "You…Told us during the first sleepover you attended that you needed to hear them say they love you, so we found a way to let you have that whenever you want in the form of…Cuddly teddy bears that look like them…"
"It was Trayden's idea," Alyssa mentioned.
Hayden looked at the bears now; he could see the representations other than hair and eyes in these stuffed animals. There were wedding bands on the left hands. The bear for his mom was wearing her favorite outfit and the same with the father bear. Hayden guessed that Gabriel had to have a hand in that one. The mother bear smelled like his mom's perfume, same as the father bear; it was his father's cologne. The heart where the voice recording was had a picture slot, and in it was the shot from Hayden's talent show at Archian Preparatory in May 2017. Hayden just admired the gift fully; stuffed animal or not…This meant the world to him.
The tears finally slipped, unintentionally too. "Oh…Come on, don't cry…" Trayden said quickly as he pulled Hayden in for a tight hug.
Hayden sniffled, holding the bear tightly now. "Ha-Happy t-tears, babe…" Hayden managed. "Thank you…Thank…All of you," he said wiping his eyes with his sleeve. "I…Had wanted to do something like this, or…Anything involving using that clip, but I guess I never felt I had the heart to…" he admitted.
"Well, you got something now," Felicia smiled.
"I…Have to admit that I was having a crappy day until you all came, and this…It makes it better," Hayden confessed.
"Why the hard day? You did well last year," Mindy informed.
"Just happens. And last year…I had all of you around. I guess harder days are easier when everyone I care about is present. It…Fills the emptiness of my parents not being present physically," Hayden said. "But also…I, uh…" he paused. Yeah, he might as well tell them.
"You…What, love?" Trayden asked gently.
Hayden took a deep breath. "Alright…So I did something a couple of months back in August and…It's had an effect on me all this time, which is why most of you might have noticed my moods are…All out of whack…"
"Babe…What did you do? It's okay…Just tell us, and we'll get through it together," Trayden said, a bit nervously. Is this what his mother was talking about earlier at the house? Had Hayden hurt himself? Or revealed something in therapy to his mom. Trayden recalled that Hayden hadn't been letting him come since August began.
"I'm off my meds," Hayden said finally. The room was quiet, all staring at him in surprise.
"I'm sorry…What did you say, laddie? Y-You know I'm hard of hearing sometimes…" Gabriel stated first.
"I'm off my medication," Hayden repeated, in a clearer tone. "I've been on them so long now; it's like I forgot how to function without them," he continued in the silence.
"Lad…You've needed them to function. Not to bring up the past here…But four days off your medication was enough to make you start thinking about suicide again, and you cut yourself a couple of times before getting help…" Gabriel reminded softly.
"That was the problem, Uncle Gabe; I didn't know how to function without the anti-depressants. Get it? I needed them to function, and I couldn't without them. I was put on them because I refused to talk to Dr. Anderson, and they were what kept me from freaking out and thinking suicidal thoughts. I relied on that medication. You've all seen it, how fast I'd freak out if I missed even one dose. To the point that I recognized I couldn't handle things if I didn't take it. You saw it the night of Tray's 18th birthday. Two hours off my pills and I was losing it, so much that Rachel had to knock me out until the next morning. Yes, I remember what happened," Hayden said now.
"So why are you off of them now, Hayden? If you know you need it then…" Syrus began.
"I needed it before I got help, Syrus. I needed it when I wouldn't talk, and it was the only thing keeping me from snapping and trying to kill myself to get away from all the pain of losing my parents and dealing with the crap in foster homes. I needed it to keep me alive," Hayden paused. "And that's why I stopped taking it,"
"Hayden…" Gabriel warned.
"Okay…I should have worded that better…" Hayden said instantly with a sigh. "I meant that I didn't want the medication to be the reason I'm alive. I said after I got shot that fighting Dimitri was when I took back my life, but I guess that wasn't entirely true because I still had my medication. I'd forgotten what it was like to live my life according to my will, to function without those pills," he went on. "I decided to take back full control of my life by no longer taking them,"
"Rachel…Did you know about this?" Gabriel looked at her now.
"Of course," Rachel nodded. "Hayden came to me about it, and I supported his decision,"
"So you let him just stop taking his meds, cold turkey?" Trayden asked, shocked.
"Babe, don't be silly. If I'd cut it out cold turkey; I would have flipped out like all the other times," Hayden smiled a bit, kissing his cheek. "No, your mom helped me remove them little by little,"
"What?" the others asked.
"In August…I decided that I wanted full control of my life. I'd taken it back from Dimitri, but the pills were still a factor. I knew I relied on them to keep me level, to keep me alive because Gabriel is right. Four days off of them, and I was ready to try and overdose for the second time. Still, I wanted to function without them. Am I truly the one running my life if the meds were keeping me from losing it?" Hayden questioned.
"I…Suppose not," Katie said softly.
"There was a lot of thought that went into it, of course. I knew it wouldn't be easy to do, but that was all the more reason I wanted to. In August, Rachel wrote me a prescription for the next does down on my meds. I took that for the month. In September, the same thing; the lowest dose available. Took that for a month. In October, I was only taking one pill midday, so that it would help me sleep. And this continued through November because having the one, low dose was harder to manage. But…The start of this month; I'm off of them completely," Hayden explained.
"I learned how to cope. How to manage through the bad days whether it was hanging with friends, or to use one of my many hobbies to stay distracted. I learned how to live without the pills. As it's meant to be; pills aren't a permanent fix, just a coping mechanism until more progress is made and someone can deal with things on their own. That's what I did, with help from Rachel in sessions. I planned to tell everyone after the New Year because I knew we'd all be together for the party…But since you're here; it worked out," Hayden continued. "So yeah…I'm off my pills entirely. Everything you see now is me managing on sheer willpower to live and be in control of my life,"
Gabriel handed Spencer to Savannah; he got up and hugged Hayden tightly. Hayden blinked a bit but hugged him back. Gabriel pulled back and kissed Hayden's forehead. "You have no idea how ridiculously proud of you I am right now, Hayden. Your parents would be too. You have come so far in the last two years and…Six months. And you've become the man your folks, and I always knew you would be with time,"
Hayden let a few tears fall. "We're all proud of him," Silas said while smiling. The others gave hugs, high fives, or handshakes; all a way of congratulating Hayden on his achievement.
"Especially me," Trayden said, hugging Hayden last and kissing him. "Now see? Didn't I tell you that everything would be okay once you took back your life?" he smiled. Hayden nodded. "But maybe if there's ever a next time, we don't fight a murderer to do it?" he laughed a little. "I don't think any of us want to lose you that way, or you lose us by heart attack because you scared the life out of us,"
"Deal," Hayden nodded. "I promise I'm not going anywhere for a long time. I've got too much to live for, so I don't plan on going out from anything other than protecting my family…Or old age," he added. "I thought I lost everything once. My parents, Gabriel was overseas, I was miles away from other family…Then everything happened, and I lost the will to live. But…Thanks to you, Tray, starting everything; I gained back everything I lost and more. I have family, and friends now. You all fought to keep me here, so I promise I will stay here where I belong,"
"Atta boy," Gabriel smiled.
Hayden looked at Trayden now. "I love you, Hayden,"
"I love you too, Trayden," Hayden replied as they shared a kiss, and then broke it. This is my second chance at happiness, and no matter what; I'm never going to let it go. Hayden thought, smiling brightly. And now, for Hayden at least; it was a perfect Christmas. Following that was sure to be a promising New Year with many more to follow.
