Mine or Yours – Who I Am


Tired. Exhausted. His body felt heavy as he slowly came back to his senses. Hiccup tried to open his eyes but the moment he faced the sunlight, he squinted his eyes close again. It stung and he was sure that he could stay in darkness for a little while longer if it meant that he could avoid that pain. That was the first wave. Then his ears regained its senses back too and he listened as someone hummed a melody. At the same time, he heard something rubbing against metal. The sound he picked up one by one increased and a sharp pain forced him to block out the unnecessary noise. That was the second wave. At last, he tried to remember where he was or where he had been before he fell asleep. He did fell asleep, right? Memories slowly flooded his mind and that was the third wave of pain he had endured before everything came back together.

He had been in the village, bought the material he still needed and then he found Astrid, much to his surprise… or demise. For some reason he found himself saving the Princess and then- … what happened then? He opened his eyes again, this time it did not hurt so much when his eyes met the light. Hiccup tried to move and groaned when every inch of his body screamed of exhaustion. He barely noticed how the humming had stopped and looked around. He was on a bed, one of many that were in this room while only few were occupied. There was someone coughing on the bed while next to him lay an old man with a broken arm, snoring. He turned his head to the other side and froze. Astrid sat next to him as she held a dagger in her hand and a cloth in the other one.

"Finally awake." A smirk formed itself onto her lips while she watched him with amusement. He looked horrible. She kept staring at him as he sat up and moved to lean against the head of the bed.

"What happened?"

"Somebody knocked you out."

He turned his head to meet her eyes and looked at her with a baffled gaze. She smirked again and shrugged as she leaned into the chair.

"Why?"

Astrid could not hold it anymore and laughed, holding her stomach as she gasped for air. Had she gone crazy? Was his question so weird? Really, what had he missed? She calmed down after a while and grinned at him. That grin. That was why he had stepped out and protected her. Because of that very grin. It was not a smile, not yet. But that grin was genuine and so full of joy, so magical that he could not comprehend what was going on anymore.

"You really don't understand it, do you?" she asked him, biting on her bottom lip as she tried to hold back another fit of laughter. He narrowed his eyes at her and got annoyed.

"No. Enlighten me."

And then she smiled at him, a bit pitifully, but she still smiled. His breath got knocked out of his lungs at the sight and he calmed down in an instant. He swore, that smile was god's own creation and therefore sacred and holy. As if she were the red apple, that god had warned humanity from – a seducing delicious and beautiful, yet poisonous and forbidden fruit. Astrid chuckled a bit and met his eyes, causing all his senses to freeze at the same time, before she decided to let him have fun as well.

"Somebody knocked you out," she said again and Hiccup was about to groan in annoyance when she added, "because they thought that you were the criminal." And his mouth closed. And opened again.

"Say what?" She laughed again, although not so strong this time.

"The people thought that you were the culprit who had struck down the one who they thought wanted to protect me and the girl. They got the roles mixed up. Snotlout had yelled at the man who had swung a wooden plank against the back of your head, telling them to – let me quote him – open their fucking eyes before they take action. When I explained them that you were the one who had saved me and the girl, the man broke down into an apologizing mess."

Hiccup's mouth was still open. He tried to form a sentence, a sentence that could represent the thoughts that went through his head. Yet, all he managed to press out of his mouth was, "Huh?" He wore a dumbstruck face, not quite understanding what she had just told him. The people thought that he was the villain!

"Why would they think that? I- I clearly saved you!" He let his head fall back, temporarely forgetting that it was on pain until the back of his head met the cold wall, shooting a thousand needles through his head and causing him pain. He groaned at the touch and yanked his head away from the wall again.

"Easy there. Should I remind you that you were wearing mostly black clothes?" she quipped and crossed her arms in front of her chest. Hiccup raised an eyebrow at that comment and narrowed his eyes. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"Well, you know, most villains are wearing dark clothes and you were literally muffled in black. So they probably thought that you were the villain. And the little girl that stood up for the real culprit just made it worse – for you – since she did not know anything about what her father had really intended." She waved her hand in the air and pointed with her index finger practically at nowhere while she talked.

"That, M'lady, is a very unproven prejudice. And very biased. On nothing." Hiccup imitated her and crossed his arms in front of his chest, trying to prove his point. At the mention of her nickname, a shiver ran down her spine, causing goosebumps to surface on her skin.

"Urgh, don't call me that!" she snapped at him, rubbing her arms to show how uncomfortable she felt at being called so. He sighed and held his head, rubbing softly at the spot where he was hit.

"Well, what should I call you then, Princess?"

Another wave of goosebumps and shivers. Astrid gave him her most disgusted face that she could make and shook her head violently, her bangs moving alongside her head. She thought about it for a moment. It was not new to her to be called Princess. Nevertheless, it was certainly uncomfortable to be called M'lady. She could tell him that he should call her like everyone else does but for some reason, she did not want that. He was unique, he was strange and he was weird. But under all that weirdness lies somebody he had not shown yet. Someone he tried to suppress. Someone who was able to kill her in under a minute. And for whatever unlogical reason, she wanted to unlock him that cage that is keeping him at bay. And tame him. He was not like the others, he spoke out his mind, although he was in her presence, in the presence of a Princess. Sometimes she would catch him when he slips up and talks informally to her for a second before he corrects himself. Whenever he did that, it felt… refreshing. For once, she had the feeling that she could talk to someone without her title sitting on her neck. Whenever they talked, she could feel the title vanish into thin air and everything that was left, was Astrid – was herself. And that is what she wanted. Being seen as herself.

"Call me Astrid."

Hiccup's head snapped back to her and his eyes widened. She had just told him to ignore her rank and talk to her as an equal. Basically they were equals but she did not know that, which is why it surprised him all the more. Then again, he knew what it felt like to long for someone who would talk to him as a friend. A real friend, not a political one, a real one. As a Prince, or in her case Princess, people longed for a good relationship to him or her, trying to benefit from it. It made it hard to trust and talk to them. Everything he said could be used against him and that is why conversations with nobles were so exhausting. They were literally waiting at your feet and remembering every word that left your tongue because he was royal. Because he would be the next king. And who did not want to be friends with a king?

He had no problems accepting her terms but he wondered what people from the outside would think about it. They would probably call him a bad influence or a pitiful son of a farmer who knew no manners. He shook his head mentally and stopped. That was exactly why he got hurt so easily, because he cared for what the people thought about him. He had to stop caring. Stop trusting, stop listening. The Princess told him to call her that and that was it. It was not a request. It was an order, even if she probably did that unconsciously. He looked at her and smiled – a genuine and sincere one.

"With pleasure." His reply as well as the way he smiled at her took her off guard. No way in hell could someone smile like that if there was no deeper meaning behind it. Had she managed to put a crack in his defense? She choked down the smirk that was about to form on her lips. Victory. A small one, but a victory all the same. Normally people would deny her that request because it would attract too much negative opinions of the other people but he did not care. She appreciated it.

"Is there a forge nearby?" he asked while he pushed himself up. It was hot and his vision still blurred from time to time but it got better steadily. He had removed his shirt for he was convinced that nobody would search for him. So the only one who could judge his body was Gobber, who trained him and after all the years of shirtless training, it did not bother the two men even the slightest.

"Aye. I think Alphonse had mentioned something about an unoccupied forge. Seems like a blacksmith had died recently, leaving that forge empty for weeks now," he said, pulling at his moustache as he recalled the king's words. "You going to tinker something new again?"

"Yeah." He pushed himself down. "I'm working on my armor. I just need it for my armguards." He pushed himself up again. His arms screamed and his abdomen hurt from holding the straight posture for so long. He adjusted his feet again, trying to ease the hurt when he felt something pushing him down slightly.

"Down with that butt." Gobber pushed until his back and legs were like a straight wooden plank again. Hiccup groaned and felt how the blood flowed from his head down to his arms. He liked Gobber, no doubt about it, but his training was hell.

"Anyway, I don't think that's a good idea, lad. Why don't you just wear the knight's armor? Would save you much trouble." Gobber stood next to him as he observed his training.

"And look like a man in shining metal which is an easy target? Not to mention that it's heavy."

"At least, people wouldn't mistake you as a villain." Gobber chuckled and grinned, his golden tooth shining in the sunlight.

"No thanks." Another push-up. "I prefer black. That way I can blend in with Toothless." Gobber hummed as he continued to stroke his moustache. "Well, if you say so. But aren't you looking more out of place that way?" Hiccup halted for a moment, but resumed after a few seconds with his push-up's, staying silent as he thought about it.

"Probably. But it's not like I want to blend in with the people here." His answer came close to a whisper as he pulled himself together to finish the last few push-ups.

"What do you gain from that? Hiccup, we're staying here for a long while. Maybe we'll even live here!" Hiccup gritted his teeth and stopped, standing up as he stomped towards the old man. Every step was bursting with anger and his nostrils flared up for a moment before he came to a halt in front of Gobber, raising a finger. He then pointed to the ground, "I will not live here! Dad is out there waiting for me to come back! This is just a temporary stay! Hell, I would have stayed if you hadn't dragged me with you!"

"And then what?! Let you get yourself killed by those hooligans?! Hiccup, if you had stayed, then you would-"

"What, Gobber?! What would I have done?!"

"You would've lost yourself in that mess!" the man yelled at him, making the young man flinch and step back for a moment.

"What do you mean?" Hiccup glared at the man who did the same to him. He could play the same way Hiccup did.

"You would have killed them-"

"Because I had to!"

"- with joy."

Hiccup closed his mouth, now looking at the man who wore a worried gaze. "Look, I don't doubt that you would have been useful to everybody if I let you step out there. But I know, we both know, that you wouldn't have killed them out of duty or revenge or whatever reason there is to justify your act. You would have killed, and enjoyed it nonetheless. And that is why your father and I agreed to take you away." The man let his hand slide over his face as he sat down.

"I can control myself. I haven't killed in years! I-"

"No Hiccup. You nearly killed Astrid if I hadn't stepped in. Whenever there is an opponent who seems to be worthy of your attacks, you go all out. I know you've been working hard to keep yourself in check, but that's not enough. That time, when you looked down on the kid who you had broken his arm of, you wore that look. As if he had deserved it, as if you thought nothing wrong of it. I know that you know that everything that's going on in there, in your head, is bad. Really bad. And I don't know how or why that something is inside you. Sure, your father had killed, but he hated it. And your mother was a peaceful woman. She would have never wanted to see you that way." Gobber sounded sad and worried at the same time. Hiccup looked at the man and did not know where to begin. Everything Gobber had said was true and Hiccup himself knew as well that there was no way he could have gotten that trait from his parents. Yet, the old man did not know how he himself suffered. How it felt when people looked at you without trying to understand you, judging you, because of your title. People who wanted to see you go down. Only because you had something that they had not.

But whenever he was about to justify himself, to explain somebody why he was that way, the words got stuck in his throat. His breathing quickened as he realized that he was once again not able to voice his thoughts, coming close to hyperventilating. He hated it. He hated himself. For not being able to say it aloud – to make it clear. Was there even a way to explain it without people judging him? There probably was not. Not even Gobber would be able to understand him. So he remained silent and evened his breath. It was not the first time Gobber had seen him react that way. He knew that the boy had something he wanted to scream out and yell. Everytime he waited for him to do it, ready to take whatever the boy had in store. But just like before, he decided against it and forced himself to calm down. That was the saddest part of it. As if he did not trust him. But he would not push him. It still was a delicate topic and one wrong move could make him close his heart off entirely.

How many times had the two of them reached that point now? Gobber had lost count of it long ago and it would not make sense to resume the count again. His thoughts wandered to his old friend who he had to leave behind in order to protect this young man. Sure, Gobber could watch over him, train him, teach him and talk to him. But he will never be able to give him the security of a real father. There was a limit to how match Gobber could take over for Stoick. In the end, there were still tasks that only Stoick himself could do and that was what Hiccup needed the most. He sighed while he watched Hiccup. The boy had already turned his back on him and took his shirt from the ground, pulling it over his head. He took his sword and walked towards Gobber again.

"Where's the forge?"

"If you head out of the castle and take the road you use to get to the village, you should reach a point where the road splits into two roads. Just turn right instead of going straight like you normally do and then you'll find the forge there. Alphonse told me that we could do whatever we like with that forge, so it's all yours. I have my hands full with the knight apprentices here." Hiccup already took off and left the man behind who was now waiting for the other kids to arrive for their training. He had told Gobber that he did not wish to be in the same presence as the others, which only doubled his worktime. Sometimes, that boy was really a handful.

Astrid had been searching for him and did not find him in the hall or in his chamber. She looked around and halted at the spot where her painting was supposed to be. If she remembered correctly, she had seen Hiccup staring at that empty spot several times. Sometimes he looked at it for seconds, sometimes for minutes, and sometimes he would pass it with a short glance. Was he wondering why it was left empty? Why would he? Did he even know that she was supposed to be on that spot? Now, she too found herself lost in her thoughts as she looked up to that empty spot. Maybe she could give it another try, just to complete the row of paintings. It did look a bit weird if one painting was missing in between all those royal lineages. She would just need to sit still for hours and fake a sweet smile. No problem… To hell with that. It was a huge problem. She did not know how to fake a smile. It always seemed forced or hilarious, as the painter always said. She had given up on it because she thought it was troublesome. It was only a painting, who would care? He would care. Of course he would care. As she debated with herself if she should give it another go or not, she felt the air rush slightly when she heard footsteps coming closer. Astrid turned to look at the person who was approaching her. There he was, the one she had been searching the whole time, again. She unconsciously smiled at the sight. Maybe because she liked the thought of being equal to him.

"Hey He-" She gulped her words down when she saw his face. The corners of his lips were pulled down while his eyebrows lay low above his eyes that glared at nothing. He glanced at her for a moment before he bowed his head in a silent greeting before he rushed to his chamber. Obviously, he was in a bad mood. Before she realized it, her feet had taken her towards his chamber, her steps vary and cautious. He had left the door open, allowing her to take a glance inside. She watched as he pulled a black leather breastplate over his head, tightening the straps and strings around his body. She turned away again and took the axe from her back, tightening her grip around the handle as she waited with anticipation. She listened as his footsteps neared the door and she held her axe above her head, waiting for the right moment. Of course, she would not hurt him… seriously. Nobody would complain about a little bruise, would they? She grinned and the moment she saw his foot taking a step, she swung. It certainly was foul play and that was a sneaky and unfair tactic, but if it meant that she took him down, Gobber could not complain. He never said how she was supposed to take him down, so it is his fault for not going into detail. However, Hiccup twisted immediately and blocked her attack with his sword, surprising her and causing her to lose balance.

How? She was clearly in an advantage, so how come he could block that? She had been silent and did not make any noise. She looked at him with disbelief while he only gave her a cold and slightly annoyed gaze. Hiccup forced her to step back as he let her axe glide along the blade of his sword and passed her with ease. She was about to jump at him from behind when he spoke up, "If you want to have a successful sneak-attack, you should hide yourself better." She lowered her axe and glared at him, then walking up and next to him.

"I'm pretty sure I hid myself perfectly," she commented with a serious look.

"Your bloodlust was all over the place. I could feel it miles away."

She followed him to the stable and watched as he saddled Toothless. "Where are you going?"

"To the forge." His answer was short and to the point. She figured he might want a bit alone time but then again, it was not her problem. She wanted a rematch. A proper one. Without searching all over the place.

"I'll accompany you."

"Do as you like. I can't stop you anyway."

Astrid's heart fluttered at that response. That was it what she wanted the whole time. Someone who did not make a fuss about politeness and ranks. She grinned hugely, something that Hiccup had missed as he mounted Toothless, and dragged Stormfly out of the stable. Although Hiccup was against her following him, he still waited for her. Something in his chest told him that it was the right thing and so he watched as the Princess got on her horse. He noticed the blue armor on the horse immediately and narrowed his eyes. One day, those armors might hinder her from any escape since it puts unnecessary weight on the horse, making it slower. But who was he to point that out, he was only known as the son of a farmer. When both were ready to go, they made way to the gate, where the black-haired guy already waited. Astrid groaned and rubbed her hand over her face. She did not want him to follow her again so she got ahead of Hiccup and addressed the brawn.

"I've been waiting for you, my Princess."

"I don't need you to follow me everywhere, Snotlout."

By now, Hiccup was right behind Astrid and waited for the Princess to sort out her little argument.

"But Princess, you're not allowed to leave the castle without a guard."

Astrid clicked her tongue and thought for a moment. She looked at Hiccup and grinned as an idea struck her.

"I do have a guard."

"And who would that be if not me?" Snotlout asked, wiggling his eyebrows at her. Urgh, gross.

"Him." She pointed to Hiccup and smirked. "So leave me alone, today."

Before Snotlout could answer or Hiccup could protest, Astrid had already left the gate and was on her way. Hiccup looked at Snotlout for a moment before he bowed his head slightly, leaving as well. Snotlout wore a dumbstruck face, not quite comprehending what had just happened. Astrid had… replaced him! Him! Of all people! And with that scrawny jerk nonetheless! Snotlout was angry, not to mention, furious. He would take care of that guy, even if it meant to play dirty. He had worked his ass off in order to get promoted to the unit, and now that thin guy took his place without even blinking! He would take care of it. He swore he would.

Astrid followed right behind Hiccup. He had left his cloak back at the castle, which enabled her to take in his body better. Now that there was nothing obscuring her view, she noticed that he had muscles. At the first glance it would have been unnoticeable, but if one took a closer look, they would find a clean line of muscles around his arms and legs. She did not know why, but he always wore clothes that lay tight on his body, making her analyzing easier. Her eyes wandered from his arms up to his shoulders. They were broad and looked firm. Deep within her was a desire to touch him and to feel those muscles work under the palm of her hands. She quickly shoved those fantasies to the farthest corner of her mind. Focus. She checked him out for a while until she got bored of it. He had not uttered a word since their departure and the silence ate away at her.

"So, Henry-" she decided to break the silence but got cut off right away.

"Call me Hiccup."

"Hiccup?" She blinked several times as she took in the new information. "What kind of name is that?"

"It's a nickname. I'm more comfortable with that. Since you allowed me to call you Astrid, I thought that it would only be fair to let you call me by my nickname as well." Hiccup never turned around to address her directly, but spoke to the air in front of him instead. It made talking easier. He could not see her face and her reactions and Hiccup was content with that. It was better that way. The more distance he kept, the less he could hurt her.

"Well then, Hiccup, what do you plan to do when you arrive at the forge?"

"Probably discarding the armor your horse is wearing."

Astrid frowned and glared into his back, and Hiccup swore he could feel daggers stabbing his back right at that moment. "Why?" she hissed, offended yet curious at the same time.

Hiccup looked over his shoulder to meet her eyes for a second before he looked in front of him again.

"It's in the way. You're making your horse work more than necessary. Horses are living beings like we human are and not some kind of decoration for the higher society," he spat at the end. Astrid looked down to Stormfly and gave it a serious thought. She had never thought about it before. Her father had told her to always let her horse wear the armor in case someone attacked her and her horse. Nevertheless, now that she thought about it, whenever she lifted the armor, it certainly was heavy. She looked back at Hiccup and smirked a bit. "You're kind, aren't you?"

"I'm not," he answered with a low voice, his silent back speaking more words than he would tell.

"Of course you are. Nobody would care about a horse as he does with a human. Nobody, except you."

"If that is your reason, then it only means that you all are blinded by your own greed and definitions of normal."

"Well, I still think you're kind," she said resolutely, her back straight. Hiccup halted in his tracks and turned to the side in order to look at her directly. His eyes were clouded by something she could not understand. His eyes were narrowed and… empty. Suddenly it got harder to keep her straight and confident posture while he bore stinging daggers into her very soul.

"Let me tell you one thing. It would do you good if you kept your distance from me. Trust me, I'm not the person you think I am." He then turned around again, leaving no room of complaints as he strode forward.

Astrid looked at the retreating back and felt how her heart got slightly heavier. Never would she have guessed that this ache in her heart would grow immensely in the upcoming future.


Date of Update: 23rd February 2016

~ KeGzZ