Mine or Yours – My Voice


Hiccup had stopped talking entirely. He even went as far as to pretend that Astrid was not there. How was he supposed to tell her that he was afraid of making friends? Surely, she would think of him as ridiculous. He opened the door to the forge and found it as a mess. At least, he knew why nobody bothered coming to this forge. No sane person would willingly clean the mess that seemed to have no end. But he needed the forge, so he braced himself and got to work. First off, he made note of everything that lay scattered around the forge, listing everything that he would need to repair and buy anew. After a while, he realized that it was too much to remember and went over to Toothless who lay on the grass outside. Hiccup pulled a leather book out of the bag and ripped a piece of paper out, rummaging in the bag for his last supply of coal pen. He then wrote everything down again and moved everything to a corner. After that he made several piles of weapons, goods and tools. At least he had enough metal to make a new armor, not that he wanted to, but it eased his mind to know that he did not have to buy more.

While he occupied himself with cleaning the forge, Astrid sat on a stone outside the forge, watching him through the window as she swayed her legs. Her heart was heavy. It was the first time she felt something as annoying as that. Maybe she ate something wrong? It was not guilt, but it came close to that feeling. She did not know why he was so cold all of a sudden. She meant no harm by telling him that he was kind. She found him intriguing and interesting in a way she never felt about a man… or somebody. Then again, he was in a bad mood and she practically forced herself on him. That was probably not a good idea. Her day had started so good, so full of promise, until she followed him here. For her, it was a chance to enforce the friendship she wanted with him, but somehow everything came crashing down on her.

She had been pretty proud at herself that she did not order him anything. It was hard not to, given the fact that she had given orders her whole life. She was even confident to say that she had found her way into his heart, someway. Yet, why did it feel like she was at the beginning again. As if one wrong word could crush two days' worth of progress. It was frustrating. Astrid had not imagined it to be so difficult to approach him. She liked challenges, no doubt, but she could not shake off the feeling that this was more than a challenge. As time passed on in silence, the uncomfortable feeling in her chest grew and she decided to do something about it. If he was the cause of that feeling, then he should be the solution, right? Simple logic. She hopped off the stone and knocked on the door. She waited for him to turn around but he made no effort to do so. Therefore, she knocked again, just to get the same reaction. Now adding to her growing ache in her chest, anger and annoyance got added onto the plate, causing her to stomp towards him.

"Hey!" she called out loudly, now only a few feet away from him. He still made no sign of reacting, pissing her more off than she already was. She gritted her teeth and closed the gap, pulling at his shoulders to make him turn around. He did, finally, and she immediately grabbed him at the straps that held his breastplate together, pulling him close in. "What is your problem?!"

Hiccup met her eyes with the same anger and irritation that reflected in her eyes. She did not understand him! It was clearly him who was at fault, yet why was he angry? She is supposed to be angry and kick his ass. She is supposed to be the one making the rules, not him! He grabbed her wrist, trying to pull her hand away. When she did not budge, he used a little more force but she still did not give in. She glared at him, waiting for an answer. She was not as frail as he might think of her. And she was definitely not a damsel in distress! She would prove it to him. That arrogant jerk! Her anger was now overwriting the ache that she felt so unfamiliar with and in some way, it relieved her, but it did not mean that her anger subsided.

"What is your problem?!" Hiccup responded finally with a roar, returning her glare just the same. She still held onto the straps, not allowing him to escape from her grasp. She held a fierce gaze as she pulled down every weak wall that stood in her way. How dare he snap at her if he was the one at fault! The fire inside her grew, encouraging her rage to support her voice as she questioned his behavior, her breathing fast and unstoppable.

"What my problem is?! My problem is that you're behaving like a jerk after I went out of my way to actually compliment you!" she yelled as every word that left her mouth just infuriated her more. Hiccup flinched as he watched her actually venting all her anger off at him. His mind was at its limit. It took all he could muster to keep his emotions in check. He had worked on his self-control for years. Nobody had managed to make him lose control for a while and for the very first time in a long while, he feared that she just might be able to do it. Therefore, he made even more effort in hiding his thoughts, his voice, his emotions. What was he doing? He knew full well that he was the one who was responsible for the argument they now found themselves in. He knew that he caused it. And he knew that she deserved an apology. Yet, his mouth did not open. His eyes stayed narrowed and for some reason he could not stop glaring at her, which just made her angrier as the time passed. Fed up with the silence and furious about him not answering, she had to keep herself from actually hitting him. She so wanted to hit him, right across the face, but she knew that it would not solve anything, not in this situation.

"I- I don't even know where to begin! I just wanted to break the uncomfortable silence!"

I know...

"And I thought that maybe we could be friends! I even thought that you were in some way kind! And honestly, there is nothing bad about people saying that you might be kind!"

I know.

"Yet, you treat me as if I have insulted you! Offended you! And I don't even know why!"

I know!

"I even allowed you to call me by my name and that is how you thank me?! By ignoring me! Is that how it works with you?!" By now she was screaming at him, her face red from the hot excitement mixed with her anger. However, it was not the normal anger she always felt. It was years of pent up frustration, anger, disappointment and annoyance that now flowed out of her, as if a dam had broken.

"If you have anything on your mind, then spill it, because I'm not going to sit here and let myself be treated like some kind of poor excuse of a Princess! The question is not what my problem is! What is your problem?!"

"EVERYTHING!" he shouted at her, his voice booming and overtaking her fit of anger. He had not realized that his heart was racing against his chest while his breathing took up the pace. He had so wanted to keep himself in check but something inside him snapped, causing him to snap at her. Everything he felt and thought got poured into voicing that one simple word. Everything. The ends of his hair were standing straight as he felt the urge to get away from her. He needed to escape that grasp or he would hurt her even more. He did not want that. He hated it to hurt people with his words. It did not make a difference if the people treated him kindly or as shit. Whenever he voiced out his thoughts, it would end up to be the complete opposite of everything he actually wanted to say. As if something was preventing him from voicing out his true feelings. A blockade that was unconsciously built around his heart. And now that he knew there was a blockade, it was too late to tear it down – too strong to tear it down. Its roots were somewhere deep within his heart and it would change him completely if ripped out of him. While it surely prevented him from trusting other people, it also helped him to keep control over himself – until now that was. For some unknown reason, that blonde had a way to keep him on alert the whole time. He feared that she might be able to break through his defense if he let his guard down. That would be unheard of, so he strengthened his walls, built more walls and completely shut everything that dreaded to come out of his mouth in a cage of uncertainty and pain.

Astrid had loosened her grip on him, looking straight into his eyes after his outburst. When she was sure that he would not say anything anymore, she turned the switch inside her and let emotions get the better of her. She let him go, watching him as he was about to turn away again but she would not let him. Hell, he deserved what she had in store for him. She balled her hand into a fist and used all the strength that was still left in her after her screaming session. Combined with the anger and excitement that still lingered inside of her, she punched him into the stomach, feeling all her emotions cruising through his body from that very spot. Hiccup clenched his eyes together, as he felt the pain spread, causing his limbs to go numb for a moment. He coughed and held his stomach in hope that it would make any difference, which it did not. Hiccup crouched down, forcing the pain to lessen as he held tightly onto the spot. Just where did that girl get all the strength from anyway?

"So you're not talking, huh? No words of defense, no explanation, nothing?!" she huffed, momentarily satisfied that he was in pain. Hiccup opened his mouth to protest but the words did not come out. He wanted to tell her off so bad. But he could not. He closed and opened his mouth several times, everytime trying to get his thoughts across. Astrid watched him, at some point she got curious. She clearly saw how he struggled to talk and she had plenty of time.

"What would you know?"

That is not what I wanted to say.

"You go off and beat me up whenever you feel like it!"

That's not it.

"What would it matter if I told you?!"

A lot.

"You wouldn't understand it anyway, even if I told you!"

I want you to understand.

"So leave me alone!"

Stay.

Astrid stood there, eyes widened and frozen. She had expected anything but that. She wanted to believe that he would come to his senses and confide in her. However, here he was, claiming that it had nothing to do with her, that she would not understand him. He did not even try talking to her! He clearly shut her off. Her nails were digging into the palm of her hands as she tightened her fist. She was trembling from the anger that seemed to creep its way back into her heart again, suffocating the small ache in her heart that was so new to her.

"Fine! Do what you want! I don't care anymore!" she spat as she landed one last punch on his jaw, nearly knocking a tooth out, before she left the forge. She mounted Stormfly and rode off, fleeing into the sensation of wind hitting her face as it cooled her head.

Hiccup rested on the ground a little bit longer to let the pain subside. Looking around the forge, he began to make a list again, distracting himself from the fight he just had. When he bent over the piece of paper that lay on the counter, he stared at it. He supported his weight with his arms, his hands on the edge of the counter. Slowly, his grip tightened until his skin paled. While his body trembled, watery drops fell on the parchment. He wanted to scream, to yell, to cry. Frustrated that he cannot do it although he was finally alone, he broke down, crumbling into a depressing mess. Sniffs and hiccups began to fill the forge as he held his head, "Shit…"

The days passed in silence. Hiccup had cleaned the forge and made it usable again after his fight with the Princess. He had completed his own armor by now, leaving him more time for other things. Still, somewhere in the far corner of his mind, he missed something… or rather someone. Feeling suffocated in the environment, he left the castle more often, mostly finding solace at the forge. It was like a small oasis to him, a place nobody knew was in use again, leaving it empty and peaceful everyday. Sometimes he even spent his nights at the forge. He did not go to Gobber's training anymore since he started training on his own. He did not want to meet her there accidently for he knew that she might sometimes come to the training sessions, although Gobber forbid her from participating. Sometimes he found her sitting and laughing with the same group he had met when he nearly killed her. Snotlout – he found out his name the day before – had sent him smug grins whenever their eyes met. It seemed like he was pleased with the fact that the two kept their distance from each other.

What Hiccup did not expect was that whenever he heard stomping footsteps approaching him, he would expect the Princess to growl at him, to lunge at him, as she did before. But every time he would be disappointed to find someone else in her place. Unconsciously, his eyes would always turn to the blonde when he saw her from afar. His heart clenched every single time he saw her, but he shrugged it off as guilt. No point in regretting something that could not be fixed anymore. He wanted to apologize, to explain her everything that went through his head. But whenever he thought about where to start, his mind would break down. It was always like that, so he forced himself to give up on that thought as well. There were rare times when both passed each other in the halls. Still, when they did, they looked straight ahead, not meeting the gaze of the other. Hiccup had completely shut down the feeling that followed afterwards and Astrid replaced it with anger and hate every time. At some point, he also stopped eating in the castle to avoid being in her presence altogether. He would go into a village or make something himself. The guards, knights and maids noticed the way the Princess and the young man have been around each other and were smart enough not to ask them about it. One day he even happened to hear her shout, "That son of a half-troll can die for all I care!" It had hit a chord inside him, causing his heart to build another wall around the many ones he had already constructed.

Every day went by the same. He would wake up, go on a morning ride with Toothless, stop by at the forge, get something to eat somewhere and spend his day sketching, tinkering or training. That very morning should have been the same. He woke up and pulled over his breastplate, attached the armguards and tightened his belt. His sword hung loosely on his waist, his cloak hiding half of his body while the other half lay behind him, allowing him to draw his sword freely if the situation should ever occur where it was needed. Dark shadows underlined his eyes for he could not sleep much lately. Whenever he passed someone, they would think that a ghost was wandering their halls, just before they realized that it was actually him.

He left the castle and took a different path this time. There was a road leading along the wall that surrounded the royal residence. He thought that he might as well know where he was staying, temporarily. He walked along the wall, staying on the road as he took in the scene. A river flowed right next to the castle, allowing the maids an easier access to fresh water. Birds were singing alongside the cheerful chatter of the maids who had not noticed him yet. He resumed his walk and when he turned around the corner to see what lay behind the castle, he stopped in his tracks. There was nothing but one large tree right next to the wall. There was enough space to let it grow to a good and healthy size. And right under that tree sat one girl – the Princess. He wanted to turn away before she noticed him but quickly realized that she was asleep. He relaxed and watched her, slowly approaching with silent steps. If there was one thing he was good at, it was sneaking around the people. He mastered that ability when he was fed up with the lessons his father forced him to sit through.

Hiccup stood a few feet away from her, but it was enough to watch her resting body. So defenseless. His eyes wandered down to her boots where something shiny got his attention. He crouched down and took a closer glance, realizing that it was a dagger she hid in there. Not so defenseless, huh. It was the first time he actually took a good look at her. He stayed crouched next to her, tilting his head to the side to have a better look at her face. Her bangs covered her forehead and the upper part of her eyes. Her hair was braided to the side, as it was all the time. He supported his head with his arm, his elbow resting on his knee. His eyes wandered from her hair to her face. She had long eyelashes and a cute little nose. He smirked as the peaceful face of her represented the total opposite of her character. Her lips were thin and her eyebrows paled in comparison to her hair, which was like golden waves running down her neck. Her head leaned to her right side as she kept on breathing quietly and gently. The naked crook between her neck and shoulder was surprisingly alluring. If he were not such a coward, he would have touched her there, just to find out how it would feel. He checked out her upper body next and halted at her breasts. At first, they seemed small, but after a while he saw something white peeking out of the hole where her arm lay lazily. He guessed that these were bandages to keep her breasts from bouncing while she moved. Maybe if she loosened her bandages around them, they might fill his hand. He blushed at the thought and pushed it aside immediately.

Her arms were smaller than his, but still strong and firm. The same applied to her legs. Her legs seemed to be just an inch longer then her upper body, which made her even more beautiful. Her waist was not as wide as the maids' but certainly wide enough to give her a feminine accent. All in all, she was beautiful, breathtakingly so. A soft wind blew past him and moved her bangs out of her eyesight for a moment before it returned to its former place. The leaves rustled and in the far, he could hear the birds flapping their wings and singing. For a moment he wished that the fight would not have happened. They could have been friends. Good friends. But he doubted that she even cared for him a little bit after he released his anger towards her. It was not fair. Not for her, at least. He watched her for a long while, as she slept, as her chest rose and fell and let the time pass by as if nothing mattered anymore. He stripped of a flower from the ground and held it next to her hair, judging if the color would fit. It was yellow, making it blend in with her hair. Definitely not. He looked around for other flowers. There were mostly white and yellow ones spread over the grass. He was certain that white would not do it either. Then his eyes fell on a red rose at the edge of the wall. He stood up and picked it up, returning to his spot and crouched down, holding it next to her hair. It was ironic how the rose fit her so perfectly. The red color would represent the passion and the fire inside her while the thorns could hurt you, sting you, like her words and behavior did sometimes.

Slowly, he lifted his hand to remove the thorns one by one, until no more was left. He shortened it afterwards and pulled her hair gently apart, sticking the rose inside her hair. He made sure not to wake her up and when it stuck, he took a step back again, looking at her. Maybe, if she wore a dress, she might look like a real Princess that people only heard of in stories. After a while, he decided that he had stayed long enough and gave her one last look. He opened his mouth for a second, about to apologize, to say something, which could lift the burden off his chest. But he did not say anything. Closing his mouth, he stood up and turned his back to her. There was nothing he needed to tell her – absolutely nothing. As he walked along the wall again, his mind went back to that very girl. With each step he took, he got farther away from her, yet his mind wandered closer to her. His heart beat faster than normally, leaving him out of breath when he arrived back at the castle. His feet took him back to his chamber and when he closed the door, he fell on his bed. His body felt so tired and exhausted although he did not do anything to reach that point. His mind was clouded, hindering him from focusing on anything that he had planned. Maybe, just for a little while, he would let himself take a nap. His eyes closed and without removing his cloak or leather armor first, he easily found his way to dreamland.

He opened his eyes slowly and found his muscles sore. He tried to figure out what had caused it, but when he realized his position how he fell asleep as, it was obvious that his muscles were sore. Somebody was yelling nearby and Hiccup groaned, holding his head, trying to shut out the noise. When pillows and blankets over his head did not help, he decided that he might as well find out what caused the tumult. He sighed and stood up, opening the door and looked to the right and to the left, searching for the source of the noise. The yelling came from the right. He closed the door and went down the hall. The noise got louder as he approached the training ground. Gods, how loud did they have to be to make the noise reach his chamber? He rubbed his eyes and went out, seeing a blond man and woman fighting each other as they yelled. He leaned on the stone fence that surrounded the training ground. It was as high as his torso. He lay his arms on it and then his chin on his arms, finding a comfortable position before he settled in. He yawned as he watched them going at their throats.

Hiccup had nothing to do anyway so he guessed he might as well amuse himself by watching two idiots beating each other up. He was far away enough to not get spotted. Snotlout was fighting Gobber with an axe while Gobber just used a wooden staff to counter him. He grinned when the old man had kicked his ass, pushing him off balance and causing him to fall down. He then saw a familiar figure approaching the battlefield. She seemed relaxed, but did not smile. Somehow, Hiccup found himself disappointed at the fact that he did not get to see her laugh.

"Ruffnut! Let's go to the village!" she shouted out, crossing her arms as she waited for the twins to stop fighting. He looked at the rose that still lay in her hair and smirked. For some reason, he was proud that she did not take it off. Maybe she had not noticed it yet.

The twins finally ended their little siblings' war and the girl turned to look at the Princess. She was about to say something but froze half-way. Hiccup grinned as he realized why the blonde had stopped.

"Err, what's that?" she asked, her finger pointing to the rose in her hair.

"What's what?" Astrid quipped, looking behind her. Finding nothing, she turned around to face Ruffnut again.

"The rose."

"What rose? Ruff, if this is a joke, it's not a funny one," Astrid crossed her arms once more and glared at the blonde.

"No really, you have a rose in your hair!" she said. Astrid gave her a suspicious look, but when her eyes met the boys', they too were looking at her hair with a curious gaze. She lifted her hand and searched for the rose that was supposed to be in her hair. Soon, she felt an unfamiliar texture that was definitely not her hair. She pulled the rose out and looked at it, then glared at the boys again.

"What did I tell you about pranking me the last time you did it?!" The question was more directed towards Snotlout and Tuffnut instead of Fishlegs.

"What? That's not even a prank! How dare you accuse the master of pranks of such nonsense! I'm hurt, Princess. I'm very much hurt," Tuffnut exclaimed and made an insulted face. She turned to Snotlout and waited for his explanation.

"Huh? No! It wasn't me! I swear it! At least I know that it is not a successful tactic to impress you with flowers after I bathed you a thousand times with some!"

He could have lied, but Astrid knew that he was somehow telling the truth. Snotlout would not have just put one flower in her head. He would have drowned her in flowers. Whatever he did, he would overdo it. That left one boy. She looked at Fishlegs who flinched and shook his head bewildered. It was not him either. Maybe… She looked at Ruffnut, who was getting lost in the clouds above her, imagining animals and other stuff. If it was not one of them, then who did it? She looked at the rose and noticed the spots where the thorns were removed. She spun it in her hands and tried to put the puzzle together. When she lifted her head, the corner of her eyes found something suspicious. She turned her head to search for the abnormality. Her eyes fell on the spot where Hiccup was supposed to be, just to see no difference there either. However, for some reason the spot felt out of place.

Hiccup had sensed that Astrid was about to put the puzzle together and decided to retreat. He was now in the stable, mounting Toothless. He kicked him lightly and led him out of the stable before he kicked harder. Toothless rushed through the gate and towards the road in front of them. Hiccup got lost in the wind, his mind back with the blonde Princess. He grinned and strangely enough, he felt satisfied. It was amusing, watching her so irritated. It was a beautiful sight when she stared at the rose. And it had been worth to stop next to her and play that little prank, as she called it. He felt awfully satisfied.


Date of Update: 25th February 2016

~ KeGzZ