Chapter 13: Walls

Later that night.

When ladybug felt broken, the first things she built to fix herself, were walls. She had walls around her heart, around her mind, and her pain. Whether or not these walls were helpful, was debatable. They kept her hidden from most of the world and protected her from disappointment, but more than anything, they kept her from letting people in. She hated creating walls around Chat Noir. She wanted to open herself to him completely and let him see everything, Her soul, her thoughts, her heart, and her words. She had so much trouble with words. Chat had such a way with words that often prevented her from even putting walls up for him in the first place. When she did though, she wanted nothing but for him to break through them, which he was able to do successfully. At least sometimes.

When they arrived, Ladybug took a minute to compose herself in the kitchen. She wanted to detransform but she still felt uncomfortable doing that around Chat Noir, despite him knowing who she was. She felt uneasy and vulnerable. She had seen him die again. She felt walls build themselves around her. She had no control over it this time.

"You ok?" he headed towards her slowly. Her hands were tucked under her armpits, and she seemed tense. She nodded slightly.

He reached his hand out to her tenderly. Her shoulder tensed at his touch. "hi" he said lowering his head. She only hummed in response. "Is this about what happened? Look, I know you don't like it when I sacrifice myself, but you have to understand how much faith I have in you…" he started. She didn't budge. He crossed his arms. "If you want me to apologize for saving you… well you're not going to get that!" he stepped away from her and faced the other direction. This drew her attention.

"Excuse me?" she faced him now, her voice raising slightly.

"My life has never been and will never be as important as yours my lady! Look, I know it seems like I'm being reckless when it happens but" he turned around and tried to calmly defend himself before she got too angry.

"IT IS RECKLESS!" she shouted suddenly. He took a step back in shock.

"It isn't! It's not reckless to save you, and Paris, before myself! I don't know how many times I've had to say this to you!" he began to sound frustrated

"Too many times Chat Noir! Too many times!" she used his full name and it sunk into him. "We've had this conversation too many times because you've done this too many times!" her voice broke. She lifted her hand to her eyes to wipe fresh tears. "I'm not crying" she sniffled and crossed her arms. The wall around her began to crack.

His eyes softened. "I don't want to make you upset my lady"

"Upset?! Do you actually think seeing you- the person I love most in the world- dying in front of me over and over again" she began to gasp slightly between each word. "Do you think it makes me just UPSET?" she shouted again, and her eyes welled over with tears.

He rushed towards her this time, trying to pull her into a hug.

She shoved him away. "No, you don't get it Chat Noir. You don't know what it's like to see it happen…. You think it just- gets easier?" she looked into his eyes. His eyes shook with surprise and guilt for making her feel this way. She crossed her arms again and walked to sit on the couch. This time, she wished there had been a real wall in front of her, to prevent him from seeing her tears. She pulled her knees to her chest and huffed.

He stayed where he was, making sure to give her space. "Maybe I don't but… but it's not like I'm doing it to hurt you… I don't ever want to hurt you" he kept his voice calm.

"but you do. It breaks me Chat. Every time." She pouted her lips angrily.

" I'm sorry for hurting you. But ladybug…I will never stop saving you." He tried to reason with her. She tucked her head into her knees and said nothing. "Please, at least try and understand" he pleaded. He was met with more silence.

It was never going to stop. She knew she could never ask him to stop doing what he was supposed to do. He was supposed to save the city and saving her first really was the logical thing to do. She had the ability to purify akumas and she had the ability to heal all the damage. She felt her stomach twisting and she felt the anxious pull towards him slowly consuming her. The sight of him near death hurt her more than ever before and she didn't know how to express it.

"Ladybug…" he called her name.

Gone. He was gone. No. You saved him. But what if I couldn't? Her mind doubted herself as it always did.

"My lady" he attempted again.

She thought about how much panic it caused her every time she doubted herself about being able to bring him back. Every time she lost faith in herself, she immediately thought of the possibility of a life without him. This created a lifeless pit within her chest.

"Ladybug…. Please" he sounded urgent.

She felt her walls closing in on her, pulling into the blackhole she was creating. She thought of the bone shattering ache she felt when she saw him lying in front of her, his chest bleeding, and his breathing terrifyingly slow. Her hands went numb. She wanted to beg him to come hold her, but nothing could escape her mouth. She sat completely frozen. She heard a door slamming shut. She yanked her head up from her knees. Dammit. He went to bed. She felt like screaming. She felt like begging for him to come back. She buried her head again and sobbed.

She sat like this for a minute, feeling his absence burn through her like a dagger. Suddenly, she felt a soft, velvet material brush her cheek and a familiar blue checkered patterned blanket wrapped around her shoulders. His arms wrapped around her swaddled frame as her walls began cracking.

"What if someday I can't bring you back?" she whimpered

"That won't happen" he tucked her head under his chin.

"How can you be so sure?" she wiped her nose on the blanket.

"Because I trust you. With everything. Including my own life" he began stroking her back lightly with his claws. "I'm sorry it hurts you like this. I can't imagine what it would feel like if we were to reverse our roles"

The feeling of his claws tickled her and soothed her. It sent waves of warmth down her spine. "but sometimes… I don't trust me. And that feeling is terrifying" she cried against his neck.

"That's why you have me, my lady. To have faith in you, even when you don't." He pulled her legs onto his lap.

"How can you say things like that to me and expect me to be able to lose you?" she eased into his lap.

He chuckled at this. "hmph and I thought you hated when I talked to much"

"Never. I mean it. Hearing you talk, hearing your voice is…" she felt herself breaking again. "Please don't ever leave me chaton" her voice lowered to a whisper. She let herself cry into him.

He wrapped his arms around her with surprise. It tugged on his heart to hear her need him the way he needed her. "I won't, my lady, I won't" he spoke gently

"Promise." She commanded

"I promise. I'll never leave you, my love." He breathed.

Butterflies filled her. "tikki spots off" she called.

Chat smiled at the sight of Marinette in his arms. Her hair was messier than it had been as ladybug and her pink clothes warmed his heart. "and I thought I was in love with you before" he kissed her forehead. "I didn't think it was possible for someone to love another person as much as I love you" he continued.

She felt her walls disintegrate. She lifted her head to face him. "I know the feeling"