Ain't No Crying
Author's Note: Okay, first of all, this turned out way more angsty than I expected, but I'm really glad with how it turned out. There is a LOT of fluff and hugs as requested. I hope y'all like this fic! It's a plot bunny that has been bugging me for a while, begging to be written, and I'm really happy that I was finally able to do so. Lol.
Also, this is a gift for askywalkergryff on ao3, and this is for the Disaster Trio May 4th Gift Exchange.
May the Fourth be with you all! :D
PS. This is one of four things I'm releasing in honor of May 4th. :)
~ Amina Gila
It's nice to return to Coruscant from the disaster that was the spice run. That is one story Ahsoka Tano has no intention of sharing with anyone. Ever. For the briefest moment, she imagines the look on Anakin's face if she told him that she was involved in a spice deal gone wrong, but really, at least they're all alive. It could have been worse. So much worse. She still has a lot to learn about the Underworld, about being completely on her own.
When she first left the Order, she took whatever few credits she had saved up and bought a ticket to Shili. After living on her home world for a while, she decided to return to Coruscant. Perhaps it was just a feeling, or perhaps it was because she missed living in a bustling city. Maybe she hasn't been at the Temple much after the Clone Wars broke out, but Coruscant is still her home. It's where she grew up most of her life. She's used to the city, to the traffic, to the people. Shili is nice, of course, but it's not – she can't consider it home.
(Her home is with Anakin. Her home is with Rex and the clones. Her home is by her master's side, wherever he is, on whatever battle field he's on, but that was taken from her. She has no home anymore.)
She pauses on the landing platform outside the workshop where Rafa and Trace Martez live and work, looking up towards the surface. Where is he? Is he out there somewhere? Or…
Ahsoka can't bring herself to finish the thought. She tries so hard not to think about how, not long after she'd arrived on Shili, she had felt it, on the other side of the galaxy, as their bond weakened and nearly broke. Nothing had scared her more, and she hadn't been able to eat or sleep for days, wracked by guilt and fear, clinging desperately to the weak thread that connects her and Anakin. The bond never strengthened, and it's so shielded that she doesn't even know if he's still there. She thinks that she would feel it if he died, but she doesn't know. She simply doesn't know.
She left him, walked away, and she has no way of knowing what happened. A month or so later, after their bond felt like it might shatter entirely, she heard rumors that Anakin had been killed. Some said that he had merely been injured grievously. Others said that he was captured and slated for execution by the Separatists after his cold-blooded assassination of Count Dooku. It's been nearly five months now, nearly half a year, and Ahsoka has heard nothing of him. Something must have happened though because there have been no more reports of his actions. It's as if he really is gone.
But why?
No one knows, not even her.
She hasn't actually talked to Rafa and Trace about living arrangements, but they invited her in, almost as if it's expected that she'll remain with them. Ahsoka has no problem with that. The two are nice, Trace, especially, and she could use a friend down here. They could use someone like her as well, she imagines.
Tearing her eyes away from the only part of the sky that she can see, Ahsoka turns and joins the sisters. A meal and a good night's sleep will do them all some good.
**w**
The next morning, Ahsoka is working on a speeder with Trace – Rafa left to attend to some mysterious business; hopefully, they've all learned from their mistakes, so they don't repeat them again – when the door to the repair shop opens. She jolts her head up when she hears a weirdly mechanical breathing echo around the small space.
Standing in the doorway is… a cyborg, wearing entirely black armor. There's some small control panel on his chest, covered so that it can't be tampered with. The helmet is more a little intimidating if she's being honest. A flowing black cape completes the look. For a moment, she simply stares, completely caught off-guard by his sudden appearance, but the Force isn't warning her of any danger. In fact, when she reaches out…
A gasp is pulled from her, and she jolts to her feet, the hydrospanner falling from her fingers and landing with a clang. No. No, it's not possible. How can – what happened? "Anakin?" she breathes, torn between horror at his appearance and happiness that he's here.
"Ahsoka," he replies, and she nearly flinches at how unhuman and mechanical he sounds. His voice is different, deeper, devoid of the softness and emotion to which she had become so accustomed.
Suddenly, she has no idea how to react, what to do. "What – what happened to you?" she asks in a small voice, gesturing to his appearance.
"A small accident, really," he assures her, or at least she thinks it's supposed to sound reassuring. In her head, she can hear his old voice, the gentle teasing in his words, but that's simply her imagination. It's not – it's not real anymore.
She purses her lips, eyeing him as she takes a step closer. "Uh huh. So that's why you look like that." She reaches out with the Force, nudging against their weakened bond. At first, he doesn't relent, but then, he lowers his shielding enough that she can actually feel him. His presence is… different, damaged, but it's still so unmistakably Anakin that she could cry.
"How's the cape?" he questions, turning in a full circle, though his movements are slower, jerkier. He's doesn't have the same grace that he did when she last saw him. "Obi-Wan didn't like it very much." And now, Ahsoka could swear that he's grinning under the helmet. She steps forwards, a little hesitantly.
"It's… intimidating," she admits, one side of her mouth pulling up into a strained smile. She wants to make a joke, but she hasn't seen him in so long that it feels strange to do, unwelcome even. Instead, she takes a few steps closer to him until she's only an arm's length away.
"Who is she?" Anakin asks, jerking his head towards Trace.
Ahsoka turns, startled, having momentarily forgotten that the other girl was even there. "Oh. Um, this is Trace Martez, a friend of mine. And this –" she continues, looking at Trace, "– is… Anakin." She considers saying 'my brother,' but thinks better of it at the last moment, cutting herself off before those words can slip out. They were close, once, and she thinks they can be again, but saying something like that in front of Anakin right now, calling him her brother, it feels too… something.
"Huh. Nice to meet you," Trace says, eyeing him speculatively. "I'll just be in the back in case you need me." She backs out, giving them some privacy. Ahsoka will have to thank her later.
"Not that I'm not glad to see you, because I am, but what are you doing here?" Ahsoka queries.
"I… wanted to find you," he answers, and Ahsoka wonders, suddenly, if this is as awkward for him as it is for her. "I – I have missed you. And –" She can hear the rueful smile in his words. Almost. "– I was bored at the Temple. I was just cleared for flying, and I could not stay there even a moment longer."
Ahsoka grins at that because it's so like him. "You haven't really changed at all," she comments, almost surprised. Which is stupid. It hasn't even been a year. He couldn't have changed that much over only a year.
"Surprised?" If she could see his face, she imagines, he'd be grinning.
"Maybe a little," she admits with a laugh, stepping forwards and wrapping her arms around him. The durasteel of his armor is hard and cold, but she closes her eyes, holding on tightly, and pretending that he still feels of flesh and blood like he did when she last saw him. "I missed you too, Anakin," she murmurs.
A sound escapes from him – she can't interpret what it is exactly – and he hugs her back fiercely, squeezing her tightly enough that it almost hurts. But she doesn't say anything, simply relaxing in the embrace. "What happened?" she queries again, tilting her head back to look up at the emotionless mask covering his face.
The sound that rattles from the vocoder sounds like a sigh. "It's a long story. Or no. Maybe it's not all that long at all," he admits, stepping back, arms falling to his sides. She thinks, but she can't be sure, that his left arm is still organic. "It was a little over a month after you left, and we were on a mission. Chasing Dooku. He… set off an explosion, probably hoping to kill or injure me or at least slow me down. I could have jumped. Maybe I should have jumped. But… I didn't. I – I caught him with the Force, pulled him back…"
He doesn't finish the sentence, doesn't need to. "Oh, Anakin," she whispers, feeling tears fill her eyes, though she blinks them away.
"Obi-Wan found me. I nearly died. Dooku did die. I've been recovering ever since. Maybe it was worth it then, but the war is still going on. I don't know." Even with the vocoder, Anakin sounds lost, and Ahsoka can't even imagine how much pain he must have been through.
She reaches out, grabbing his right hand and squeezing it tightly. "I'm sorry," she blurts out, without even meaning to. "I – maybe I shouldn't have left. I should have been there." She sniffs, suddenly realizing that she's crying, tears dripping down her cheeks.
"Snips." Anakin reaches out, touching her face with his left hand, brushing away her tears, "Please don't cry. It's okay. I'll be okay."
"Will you?" She doesn't believe him, doesn't know if she even can.
"I'll have to be," he answers firmly. "I won't die, and this is not your fault, Ahsoka. You couldn't have stopped this from happening."
"I should have been with you." She closes her eyes, leaning into his touch.
A sound, almost like a mirthless laugh, slips through the vocoder. "I was unconscious for over a month. Even Obi-Wan was hardly allowed to visit for a while. It – knowing that you weren't on the front lines, fighting without me there to protect you, it helped."
She sniffs again, scrubbing away her tears. He's probably right. He is right. Anakin usually is, but that doesn't magically make her guilt disappear. It will, in time, perhaps, but not right now. "What – what is your condition?" She doesn't know if she even wants to know, though she feels compelled to ask.
"I lost my legs," he confesses, "And much of my body was burned. I'm still healing from that and will be for a few more months yet. My – part of my spine was damaged, but that was repaired with a cybernetic implant. My lungs are… recovering, though I'll need a breathing mask. Probably permanently." He obviously catches the horror in her expression because he reaches out to squeeze her shoulder. "Hey, it'll be okay. I'll be okay. This looks very… bad, but it's just an environmental suit. Infection is still a real possibility. I'll be out of it before long."
Ahsoka feels her heart breaking even more at the knowledge that he went through all that without her, and she reaches out, pulling him closer and resting her head against his chest, right above the control panel. He wraps his arms around her, solid, secure, unyielding. Despite all the time that's passed, he's here, and they're finally back together. It's as if the stars shifted back into alignment, as if everything might maybe actually be alright. Ahsoka doesn't know if she can believe that, even basking in the still-present warmth of the glowing supernova Force presence that is her older brother, but she can try.
**w**
This is… nice, Anakin has to admit. Even if he can't really feel it right now, he can remember what it used to be like to tuck her body next to his as they held each other, seeking a moment of peace amidst the turmoil and chaos of the war. So far, their reunion has gone far better than he had expected – though he doesn't really know what it was that he had expected. Not this, exactly, but not… not this, either.
He's tired and in pain, but both are constants. Drugs only do so much for him, and he's already on painkillers. It's not as if he hasn't dealt with pain before. It'll be okay. He didn't always think that. At first, he was angry, resigned to the bitter knowledge that he would have to live the rest of his life like this: half-man, half-machine. But… he's accepted it about as much as he can. It's better now than it once was and being able to be here with Ahsoka makes it seem worth it.
The beeping of his comm breaks the moment, and he reluctantly lets go of Ahsoka, fishing it out and answering, rolling his eyes. Obi-Wan is such a… mother hen sometimes, not that Anakin would ever tell him so, especially not to his face. "Yes, Master, I'm still alive," he states flatly in lieu of greeting. It is Obi-Wan comming; he checked to be sure, otherwise he might have died of mortification, but also, his former master has been poking at him through their bond for some minutes now.
"Where are you?"
Anakin sighs. He… hadn't told anyone exactly where he was going, because he needed to be alone, and as much as he loves Obi-Wan and Padme both, they've been smothering him. Maybe that's why he set out to find Ahsoka's presence, especially when he felt her return to Coruscant. He knew she wouldn't do the same; she's never over-worried when he's injured.
"In the Underworld. With Ahsoka," he answers. "Is there a reason you're calling?"
"You're not supposed to be alone," Obi-Wan replies, sounding peeved.
Anakin mutters a Huttese curse under his breath, quiet enough that the vocoder won't pick it up. He hates his new voice, but once he recovers enough to move around without this environmental protection suit, he'll only have an amplifier which won't distort his voice as much. Right now, his natural voice is extremely weak, almost inaudible. "I'm surrounded by millions of lifeforms and Ahsoka is right here. I'm fine. Stop worrying."
Ahsoka's lips curl up into a smile at the rather familiar exchange, and she steps forwards, leaning closer to the comm. "Don't worry, Master Kenobi," she chirps cheerfully. "I won't leave him alone down here!"
"See?" Anakin says smugly without giving Obi-Wan a chance to reply. "You don't need to send the entire 501st to comb the Underworld for me. I don't need an escort or babysitters or whatever you're calling them these days. I'll be back at the Temple before nightfall. Promise. Although," he adds, as an afterthought, "If you do decide to send some of the boys after me, make sure Rex comes. I'm sure he'd love to see Ahsoka again."
He steals a glance at Ahsoka, seeing and sensing a momentary apprehension, though she doesn't object. Obi-Wan sighs loudly enough for the comm to pick it up. "I think that's enough." He sounds… less worried and more amused though, so Anakin counts it as a win. "How did you find her?"
"I followed the Force," he tells him.
"… You've been saying that a lot."
"It's true."
Ahsoka raises an eyemarking. "What is he talking about?" And then, leaning forwards, "What are you talking about?"
"It's complicated," Anakin says at the same time Obi-Wan answers with, "Anakin seems to be getting more sensitive to the Force."
"Huh. How so?" She's confused, and Anakin can't even blame her. He's confused too, to be honest. It's practically unheard of for people to become more sensitive to the Force over time.
"It is… strange," Anakin admits, "But it's almost as if my injuries have quieted the Force enough for me to focus on it more. I can sense more without being overwhelmed. That's how I was able to find you amidst all the millions – billions – of other lives here."
"We were able to unmask Sidious because of it," Obi-Wan informs her.
Anakin flinches at the mention. It's something he actively tries to ignore and avoid thinking about. The knowledge that his mentor, the one friend he thought he could rely on, was actually a Sith… is hard. It felt like betrayal to tell Obi-Wan what he suspected. But he could not deny the feeling of darkness rippling around Palpatine. It was too distinct, too wrong. He told Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan told the Council. They investigated and discovered the truth. Padme was told, and a Senate committee came together to investigate Palpatine on charges of treason. The Senate vote, and he was out of office before he had a chance to institute one of his contingency plans. Now, he's in a secure prison cell in the Jedi Temple awaiting his trial.
"I don't want to talk about it," Anakin bites out a little more harshly than he intended.
"I'm sorry," Obi-Wan apologizes, sounding genuinely regretful. "I know it's hard for you. Just… come back soon?"
He softens at the words, feeling some of his resentment fade away. "Of course. I know how you worry." Maybe it's not too late to undo the damage that Palpatine and the war caused on their relationship. There's nothing he wants more than to be able to spend time with Obi-Wan the way he used to before the war and all the lies and betrayals.
Obi-Wan disconnects the call, and Anakin tucks his commlink away, looking over at Ahsoka. She gestures, leading him to a bench, and they sit down side by side. Anakin takes a moment to look around the workshop, and he can't help but smile. "You're really taking after me, Snips," he teases, nudging her arm playfully. "Taking up a job in a mechanic shop sounds like something I would do."
Ahsoka grins up at him, some of the guilt and sorrow which had been filling her Force signature fading away. "I had the best teacher."
Now that makes him want to cry. "I tried," he says, wrapping an arm around her shoulders, and tucking her against his side. He tips his head a little, resting his helmet against her montrals and wishing that he could see her with his own eyes, feel her against him with his own body. He hates the respirator, pumping oxygen into his lungs; it's loud and monotonous, and it drives him crazy. Sometimes, he wishes he had died there. Sometimes, he wishes that Obi-Wan hadn't gotten to him so fast, even though he can't bring himself to ever, in a million years, regret having heard the… confession that followed.
**w**
The Force itself seems to scream, and it's as if everything happens in slow motion, the explosion catching the fuel and exploding outwards like a supernova, devouring both Anakin and Dooku before Obi-Wan has a chance to react. He's thrown backwards, slamming into the ground hard enough to knock the air from him. Debris rains down around them, but that doesn't stop him from pushing upright, from throwing up a Force shield as he moves back towards the ruins.
Anakin is still alive. Injured but alive.
Dooku is not.
Obi-Wan gets to him barely in the nick of time, using the Force to throw debris out of his way as he digs through the ruins of where Anakin is. Buried alive. Burning to death. He can feel his former Padawan's pain, and it fuels him, pushes him to move even faster. It's through desperation and fear and sheer determination that Obi-Wan pulls Anakin out. He's unconscious, unsurprisingly, and the clones are already in a flurry of motion all around them, bringing life support and organizing a shuttle to take Anakin up to the Star Destroyer immediately.
They have to return to Coruscant if Anakin is to be saved. They weren't given permission or clearance, but Obi-Wan doesn't care. That's Anakin they're talking about. His former Padawan, his best friend, his brother, his son, even. He'd rather die himself than let Anakin perish. He orders the Star Destroyer back to Coruscant, and it nearly costs them the battle. But it doesn't because he stays there, fights for both of them, leaving as soon as the battle is won.
Anakin is unconscious, in a coma the Healers said, when Obi-Wan arrives at the Jedi Temple. He stays at Anakin's bedside, trying not to let the guilt and grief overwhelm him when he sees – and hears – the full extent of Anakin's injuries. Anakin could have died, should have died even. Those are injuries which would have killed anyone else, but somehow, he didn't die. He's alive, and Obi-Wan has never been so grateful. Recovering will be a long, hard process, but he has faith that Anakin will be able to do it.
He reaches out to Anakin through the Force, and even though the younger man is unconscious, Obi-Wan thinks that Anakin can, somehow, still sense him reaching out. "Anakin," he sends into the Force, hoping that Anakin will be able to hear his words and understand even if he's in a coma. This isn't something he would ever say aloud, or even at all, but right now, he's exhausted – physically, emotionally, and mentally – and desperate. "Come back to us. Please. I love you. You mean everything to me. I don't want to lose you."
Anakin doesn't respond physically, but his Force signature seems to… change, almost. He doesn't wake up then. It's not until many weeks later that Obi-Wan receives confirmation from Anakin that yes, he heard, that those words gave him the strength to cling to life, even when everything seemed so hopeless. Anakin came back to him, to them all. They got a second chance, and Obi-Wan vows that he won't throw it away.
**w**
"I heard about the Chancellor," Ahsoka comments, breaking the contented silence that settled over them. She fiddles with her fingers, staring down at them. "I heard he was… arrested for treason." She only believes it, because she's seen the new interim Chancellor, former-Senator Bail Organa, speaking on the holonet.
She senses more than feels the way Anakin stiffens. "Yes," he confirms, sounding almost… cautious. "That's true. He… is Sidious." There's no inflection to the truth, but Ahsoka can distinctly feel Anakin's turmoil.
Horror doesn't even begin to encompass how she feels about that revelation. She knows that Palpatine and Anakin were close, and it seemed strange sometimes, but if he's Sidious… that makes so much sense. "I'm sorry," she murmurs, laying a hand on his arm and squeezing it. The words seem wholly inadequate for the betrayal Anakin must have – and still does – feel, but it's better than nothing.
He turns his arm over, gripping her hand, and wordlessly accepting her comfort. "Padme almost became Chancellor," he tells her.
"She would have been a good Chancellor," Ahsoka muses, perking up at the mention of one of her old friends. "How is she?"
"She will be leaving the Senate soon, moving back to Naboo," Anakin answers, surprising her.
"Why?"
Ahsoka feels a flare of amusement and embarrassment from Anakin. "I – uh… she's pregnant. With twins. My – our twins. And… um, we're married?"
It comes out sounding like a question, and Ahsoka gives him a wide-eyed look of shock. "That's… I wouldn't have expected that," she admits, laughing, "But congratulations!" The thought of Anakin having a relationship with someone, much less being married, seems too surreal. "When did you marry?"
"At the beginning of the war, shortly after the First Battle of Geonosis. I – I'm leaving the Order," he continues. "I don't want to stay anymore, and I – I can't fight anymore. It… will be a while before I can use a lightsaber again." He sounds almost bitter, melancholy, resentful, and Ahsoka squeezes his hand, knowing that the prosthetic will pick up the sensation. He squeezes back, rubbing his thumb over the back of her hand. "Besides, I'm going to be a father soon," he adds, obviously trying to sound more positive, "And you're going to be an aunt. Or older sister. Or both."
Ahsoka giggles. "Both," she agrees, "I'm going to spoil them. And we'll drive you crazy."
"Oh, I don't doubt it." This time, the vocoder doesn't filter out the wry amusement. "Do you want to come with us? To Naboo? We're planning to leave in a couple weeks once I get cleared to travel. Obi-Wan will be coming to join us once the Order settles down a little. He's planning to take a much-deserved leave which I bullied him into taking."
Ahsoka hesitates a little, uncertain. It will be nice to get off Coruscant, to go to Naboo with Anakin and Padme, to spend time with old friends, to have a place where she can fit in, where she belongs. But at the same time… she left the Order to get away from her old life. Did she figure out what she needed to figure out? She doesn't know, but she does know that Anakin needs her. He'll never say so, but she can, even now, feel the faintest twinge of pain echoing along their bond.
He was injured grievously, so of course, he'll be in pain. But that means he's not really in any condition to be taking care of a baby, much less two, even with Padme's help. She chews on her lip for a moment, considering. "Okay," she whispers, "I'm not – I'm not sure if I want to live with you or not, but I want to come, at least for a while. I want to spend more time with you, Skyguy, and we have a lot to catch up on."
That's probably an understatement, actually, but Anakin doesn't say so.
"Thank you."
If Ahsoka could hear his natural voice, she knows he would sound… reverent, probably, and he suddenly wraps her in a hug again. She snuggles in next to him, resting her head on his shoulder. "I know you probably should go back to the Temple soon, so Obi-Wan doesn't actually send a search team to find you, but… please, just stay a little longer?" she requests, shyly.
"Anything for you, Snips," he vows, one hand stroking down her back lekku, sending a pleased shiver down her spine. "Anything for you. I'll even adopt you if you want me to. I love you."
Tears prickle at her eyes, for some reason, at his words, and she huffs out a startled laugh. "You just want me to start calling you 'dad.'"
Anakin laughs too. "It does have a nice ring to it, doesn't it?"
"Sure… dad, and I love you too," she teases, giggling at how strange it sounds to call him that. "Now. Tell me what's been going on with you. I want to hear everything."
"Only if you do the same for me." Anakin's soft smile is audible.
"Deal. You go first."
Everything isn't alright, right now, but it will be. It will be. It has to be. They have each other now, and that is more than enough. It's all they need.
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