Shockwave
Author's Note: Honestly, this entire thing is sorta based off my headcanons that the over-worrying and Jedi-part of Anakin's raising Ahsoka came from Obi-Wan, the always-tell-me-how-you-feel thing came from Palpatine, and the constantly supportive, deep emotional connection that always drove him to her side was from Shmi. ^-^
And you would literally NOT BELIEVE how much a pain it was to make these people talk. -...-
~ Rivana Rita
Also, this is a gift for MalirBly on ao3, and this is for the Disaster Trio May 4th Gift Exchange.
May the Fourth be with you all! :D
PS. This is one of four things I'm releasing in honor of May 4th. :)
~ Amina Gila
Ahsoka looks at her master again, pressing her lips together to withhold another remark about his condition. He doesn't look good. He's tired, worn, and he needs to rest. He needs to go to the medbay, but she knows how much he hates to. He will though, eventually. It's only a matter of when.
His face is sort of flushed like he's sick or something, but Jedi rarely get sick. It only happens if they're on an especially inhospitable planet and start running out of rations, which... has happened before.
So yes, Ahsoka is worried, but more than that, she's hurt and furious and confused and lost.
She simply cannot understand it. Never in a million years would she have expected this. Yes, there has been disagreements with the Council and Anakin in the past, and she knew there was a lot of strain there. Ahsoka never really knew why, and normally, Anakin was always the one to defend the Council if she ever got upset about stupid, petty, childish things. Now she knows.
Obi-Wan might be back, but it still feels as though whatever sort of bond he'd shared with her and her master was shattered the moment Ahsoka held his body in her arms, and they took him back to the Temple together. He may not have been buried for real, but whatever was left of their trust was.
And as if all of that weren't enough, as if leaving Anakin out of the mission the Chancellor himself personally assigned Anakin to...
Ahsoka doesn't know what happened, from the time Anakin jumped off their ship on Orondia until she found him after nearly being killed herself, no thanks to Obi-Wan. She didn't know what happened, but he'd been beaten badly, and she very much suspects he broke or fractured a few things. She had tried to take care of him – especially everything visible – as best she could, but there was only so much she could do in their very short timeframe before getting to Naboo.
"Skyguy," Ahsoka declares finally as soon as they're alone, standing in front of him with her arms crossed. "You need to go to the medbay."
"I will," he replies, tiredly. "I just – not right now. Not today. I – do you have classes today? Anything?"
Ahsoka frowns. Okay, she knows what he's going to say, and she can definitely respect that, but she doesn't know if he has the time. It's not like he's dying or anything, but she thinks she has the right to be worried. "No. I mean, it's nothing I can't do myself. I'll take care of it with the boys, don't worry."
He closes his eyes briefly. "Thank you, Snips. I'll go to my room, then."
"Let me come," she demands, not about ready to allow him to run off and be somewhere by himself right now.
"He'll be there," Anakin warns.
Ahsoka scowls. She doesn't want to keep thinking about Obi-Wan, and she hates how everything seems to lead back to him right now. Right now, she just wants some space, something to think about other than him. "Fine," she grumbles, "I'm coming, anyway."
Anakin nods, squeezing her shoulder gratefully, before they keep walking.
Ahsoka tries to keep the conversation light, to distract them both from the many things nagging at her, to keep herself from lashing out. She and Anakin will need to work through this together, but he needs to see the healers first. It'll be very hard for any of them to accept it while Anakin is still injured. She can tell moving is hurting him. It wasn't obvious earlier, so she's not quite sure if it happened on Orondia or on Naboo. It's hard to say, because he's acting completely differently now from a couple days ago.
He went into shock – like Ahsoka. All she could feel was a raw, blinding rage and the overwhelming desire to literally rip apart Hardeen and Bane. Ahsoka herself knows how that feels, and anger is truly the only emotion that comes through. She questions how much he was even capable of feeling then – both physical and emotional. He's coming out of it now, and... Ahsoka doesn't know what that means. She doesn't know anything anymore. Her entire worldview has been shattered and she desperately needs his help, but he needs hers, first.
Anakin drops back against the wall when they enter his room, and Ahsoka's attention is instantly fixed on him again instead of the... mess around them. He groans softly, rubbing a hand over his forehead.
"Anakin?" she asks, worriedly.
"I'm just tired," he lies, because she knows that's a lie. Likely, he doesn't want to think about how serious it could be himself. Anakin drops himself onto the edge of his bed, and Ahsoka glances around again, wincing when her eyes fall on something that... looks very much like one of Obi-Wan's robes. It makes her wonder how much Anakin has been in his own room since everything happened, though he must have been at least briefly, because she feels the storm of darkness and pain and confusion still weighing heavily in the Force. It'll take a long time to fade, she knows. The impressions of Anakin's emotions stay far longer than most, and she wonders if it's because of how strong he is in the Force, how readily it responds to him.
Seeing it only sends another wave of pain and anger and confusion crashing over her.
"I know you're going to tell me I shouldn't worry about it now, but how are you?" her master inquires.
"That's right, I will," Ahsoka replies, flatly, crossing her arms over her chest. She doesn't want to start thinking about it yet. She's not ready. Maybe she never will be. The pain is too fresh. "How about this: I check out with the boys then come back to check on you? Or you could come with me and have Kix look you over."
The look on Anakin's face almost makes her laugh. "Fine," he agrees.
**w**
Ahsoka returns an hour later. She doesn't know if her master slept at all, but he's not resting when she enters. Instead, he's working at the table shoved up against the windows in his room.
"Excuse me, Skyguy?" she huffs, closing the door behind her.
"Can't sleep," he says, tossing his tools back onto the table and looking up. He looks worse than earlier, if that's possible.
Ahsoka bites back an automatic comment of how that doesn't mean he can't at least try. She knows that feeling, is struggling with it too. She wants to curl up in bed and block the world away and just sleep, but she has a duty, and she has too much energy, and when she sleeps, she dreams. Nightmares are common. If she tries to sleep, all she'll see replaying over and over is Obi-Wan dying in front of them, while they watch, helpless. "So..."
Anakin slightly clumsily lowers himself to the floor, leaning partly against his worktable, muttering something. Either it's in another language or it was wordless altogether. "You're right," he mutters, "I was being stupid. I should've gone earlier."
"At least you admit it," she says, dryly. It's a miserable attempt at humor, she knows. "Can you walk?"
He wordlessly shakes his head, breathing heavily a few times. "I don't..."
Ahsoka narrows her eyes, a few things suddenly adding up. "Did you get hit by lightning? Again?"
"Might've been."
That's a yes. He has been before, and it's... very hard to deal with the aftermath. The worst part about being electrocuted isn't the pain of it happening, it's the long list of problems afterwards. Ahsoka knows both from personal experience, and from how often it happens with Anakin and the boys when they're exceedingly unlucky. It causes massive amounts of internal damage, especially when it's frequent. Anakin has been on numerous occasions, and she highly doubts he's had time to heal from Zygerria, or when they were on Mon Cala and when Dooku captured him briefly shortly after that. Ahsoka still wonders if she could have spared him from that, had she accompanied him and Padme.
The time Anakin needed to recover from that wasn't something he had. The Jedi couldn't afford to take him off the fronts, and while Ahsoka isn't complaining – the lack of action would drive her insane – she still worries for her master's wellbeing.
"Then let me look you over," she suggests, stepping forwards. She has the basics of medical knowledge, obviously. All Jedi do, because they'll need it. It only hurts, because all this happened because of Obi-Wan. Because the Council...
"Ahsoka." Anakin looks up at her, twisting around to face her. His tone is a mix of exhausted and regretful. "I..."
The Togruta seats herself on the floor in front of him, waiting. He has a difficult time with talking, she knows. Often, it's as though he doesn't seem sure how.
"I know you're upset," he says finally. He has the burning intensity in his eyes, the one he often has, although he's clearly exhausted and hasn't slept in Force-knows how long. "I cannot say how much it's tearing me apart, but I know – I should have known it would happen. We are Jedi first and foremost."
If he's about to defend the Council again, Ahsoka swears she's going to hit something. Somewhere inside her she knows she needs to accept it, because there's nothing else she can do, and it's probably considered the Jedi way and therefore what she should do, but it hurts too much.
She thought Master Obi-Wan was dead.
Anakin nearly died.
She doesn't know if or – more accurately – when the Council will decide to do something like this again. She was raised in the Order. She never knew another life, but how – how could this be right? The Council was never supposed to be wrong. Sure, they made decisions she didn't like, but they're older and more experienced and see the bigger picture which she doesn't, can't, and maybe never will. Disobeying orders can off-set the war effort, as her master has told her time and time again. But this? Never in a thousand years can Ahsoka accept that this was right. Never.
"I can feel your pain," he continues quieter, an open agony in his voice. "If I could take it away, I would." Anakin looks down, breathing in a few more times as if to steady himself.
"You have your own," Ahsoka argues. She blinks back the tears stinging her eyes. She knows how much he loves her. Anakin is – he's like no other Jedi, or anyone she's ever met, for that matter. He's the most compassionate by far. He's patient and calming and he has a warmth to him that everyone else lacks. He feels like... home. He is her home.
"I know you want to hide from it," he continues, "But we have to accept it eventually. We can't hold on to it. It's... not healthy."
One thing Ahsoka has to congratulate him on is managing to give an excuse without saying 'it's the Jedi way' like Master Obi-Wan always did. It makes it believable, anyway. "I don't understand," Ahsoka admits. Her hurt is slowly transforming into anger, but she doesn't want to lash out at him. She shouldn't. She stopped to glare pointedly at Master Yoda and Master Windu a couple days ago, and even if she's still admittedly proud about it, she feels... guilty. She may have acted out of emotion, but she didn't care at the time. She does now. Maybe. These were the people she spent her entire life looking up to and the only family she's ever known, but she doesn't understand. "How could they do this to you? To us?"
She's struck by the sudden urge to cry. It might be childish, but Anakin always encouraged her to not hold it in. Ironic, seeing how much he does it himself. His view on emotions is drastically different from other Jedi – normally by having her try to sort through it with him, and it... helps – and she has no idea where he got that from, but it makes far more sense than trying to let go on her own like all the other masters tried to tell her to do.
"I don't know," Anakin whispers, sounding as lost and confused as she feels now. "I don't know. I will ask him, but... I'm not ready."
"Neither am I." Ahsoka leans forwards, climbing awkwardly into his lap and carefully wrapping her arms around him. She hopes it doesn't hurt, but she really, really wants this right now. It's as though Anakin is the only person who can hope to understand her. It's probably true, anyway. He might not have wanted her at first, but he cares, even if she can't say with certainty anyone else does anymore. The Jedi were supposed to be her family. They were supposed to always be good and right, but this... betrayal cuts through her like nothing else.
She lays her head on his shoulder. He feels... warm. Warmer than he ought to. His temperature naturally runs higher, but this is... unusual. Ahsoka frowns. "You're warm."
"I'm cold," he argues.
Ahsoka starts moving to pull away, because his health definitely takes precedence over it, but he doesn't let go. "You're feeling snuggly?" she asks, smiling faintly, though... that is also not a good thing. She's gotten sick a few times, and it's normal, for whatever reason, to want to hold onto someone and not let go.
It's nice though, to be held by the one person she knows without a doubt will never betray her. She can't rely on the Order blindly anymore, but Ahsoka has no idea what that means for her future, especially as a Jedi. Nothing makes sense anymore.
She knows, really, the reason Anakin hates going to the healer's wing of the Temple. It's strange and foreign, and it doesn't feel like home. Especially now. It's impossible to feel comfortable and safe there. It's why they both much prefer being with the clones, because they're friends and everyone is familiar. They work together and trust each other on an intimate level with which they could never trust another. It's better to be at the Temple though, because they're Jedi. Force-healing is a rare gift, but the healers know how to, and some of them do.
"I'll look you over," Ahsoka decides, shifting position slightly. She doesn't want to pull away though, because this is comfortable, and it's the only time she feels safe. Comforted. It makes her feel young, and it's sometimes all that does.
"We can go to our cruiser," Anakin murmurs, "Work on our ships for a while, maybe."
Ahsoka knows how much he loves machines, and how he always goes to those when he's upset about something. She also knows her master is very much not-okay and really, really needs to be in bed. It's frustrating to see how little he cares for his own health. She can't count the number of times he's done foolish, reckless things that nearly killed him to protect others. It never ceases to frustrate her, and it's especially bad now, because this wasn't even a normal battle. Never mind that the entire purpose of Obi-Wan going undercover was defeated because Dooku came anyway, and Anakin was hurt. He could have been killed!
"You just keep acting like everything's fine!" she huffs, "It's not fine! You nearly got killed, Master. I already –" She chokes over her words, cutting herself off as the image flits through her mind. "You can't die."
"I won't," he promises. "I'll be okay, Snips. I promise." He sounds tired though, and she's certain he has a fever, though from what, it's hard to say. It is true that emotional turmoil makes people sick – if only slightly, which is part of the reason Jedi must always remain calm. "I have never... dealt with this before. I don't know what to do. I don't know what we need. I... tell me what you want, little one."
One corner of her mouth twitches upwards at the nickname. She's not young anymore, but Anakin still refuses to see that. He knows she's growing up, but she'll always be little to him, and she respects that even if she doesn't understand it any more than she understands why he is the way he is in every way. She knows the 'how's' even if not the 'why's', and at the end of the day, that's what matters most.
"I don't want to see him," she declares, "I don't want to think about this. I want... normal."
Anakin nods, pulling her back against him. "Me too."
"We can't go anywhere until you're better," she points out, almost miserably.
"Okay," he concedes at last, "You can look me over, and then I'll try to sleep."
Ahsoka congratulates herself for the temporary win. If Anakin won't do something for himself – and he rarely does – he'll do it for her if she nags him to death about it. Or, at least, it seems he'll consider it. "I'll stay," she decides. The 'until I need to go' is unspoken, but they both know it. Anakin rarely sleeps, and when he does, he crashes for a long time, and Ahsoka will need to leave for her classes long before he awakens in the morning. Not that it seems to matter, because they're both always tired.
"Thank you," Anakin murmurs.
"To start with, go take a shower," she grouses. "I'm serious. I'll see what I can sneak in here unnoticed." Because they don't have an entire medbay worth of supplies in here, so it's... complicated. She only hopes the healers don't chase them both down and yell at them after they hear the reports, but Obi-Wan is more likely to see it and he's the only person she knows of who knows them well enough to ask, and she does not want to deal with him now. She doesn't.
**w**
Luck is just not on Ahsoka's side today. Clearly. She was in the middle of trying to take care of Anakin when someone knocks hesitantly on the door, and she already knows who that is. Oh, no, no, no! "Ignore him," Ahsoka hisses, her anger flaring. It's Obi-Wan's fault Anakin is hurt this badly anyway. She had been honestly considering requesting for Barriss come in here and help – she's a healer, after all – but she won't dare face anyone right now. Besides, she doesn't think Barriss is at the Temple right now, though it would be ideal and easier.
"Can't," Anakin says, tiredly.
Ahsoka tries to look away; instead, her gaze gets caught on the jagged electrical burns crisscrossing what's left of his right arm. Lighting is always drawn to it, and it's really out of Ahsoka's scope of knowledge.
"We'll have to face him eventually."
Her master is right, of course. He always is. Okay, almost always. Fine. This isn't about her, anyway. It's about Anakin. "Do you really want him to see you like this? Now?" she asks skeptically.
Anakin flicks his wrist and yanks his blanket over him with the Force.
Ahsoka snorts. "You're going to get bacta all over that. You know that, right?"
"Just open the door," he mumbles, almost miserably, "Let's get this over with."
Ahsoka is tempted to move as slowly as possible (okay, maybe she does, just a little bit) to open it in the hopes Obi-Wan will have already left by the time she reaches it. He hasn't, though he seems like he's about to. "Master Obi-Wan," she greets, trying to force her expression as blank as possible. She wants to yell at him, to rage and scream at the unfairness of it and how could he do that to her, to Anakin? but she doesn't, because it's not the Jedi way and it would be against everything her master taught her. "We're a little busy at the moment."
"Ah," he says, dryly, looking past her, no doubt knowing exactly what is happening.
Ahsoka bristles immediately, but she's surprised to find that much of her anger has faded to pain and crushing betrayal.
There's a heartbeat of quiet before Obi-Wan asks, "May I come in?"
"Sure," Anakin says, without moving. He's holding perfectly still, likely because of his broken ribs – they are broken, and Ahsoka is not impressed. Maybe when he fell off the ship? She'd rather believe that than that it was because of something Obi-Wan did to him... though it was still Obi-Wan who crashed the ship, so it's the same either way.
There is another very long moment of awkward silence. "Do you need something?" Anakin asks.
"Not in particular," he replies, "I came to see if you were alright."
Ahsoka bites her lip to hold back a snarky remark. 'Now you care?' she wants to snap. She wants to scream and demand how, why he would do such a thing. How could he? She doesn't understand it, and not only does it hurt; it hurts her master and that's unforgivable. It would be pointless, anyway.
**w**
"Not now," Anakin says quietly, pleadingly. He doesn't want to talk about this, doesn't think he can. His master... he can't process what happened, and the pain of it still runs deep. Too deep. He can't focus through it, force himself to move on as though nothing happened. Not yet. Not when everything hurts so much. Obi-Wan hurt him, and he still doesn't know how to deal with that knowledge. His master chose the Council over him, as well as he should have, but it still hurts. It still feels like a pointed declaration that nothing they went through together held any meaning. (It still feels like betrayal.)
"You fought Dooku. You were injured."
"Minorly," Anakin mutters, only because he really doesn't want to talk about it, even if it's not true. Honestly, the entire fight was lost amidst something of a blur. He doesn't really remember any of it the same way he did everything else. He wasn't in his right mind, and... he still feels detached from his body. If he hadn't, he wouldn't have been able to fight Dooku without dying.
"And I..." Obi-Wan hesitates, and Anakin can sense how he feels uncomfortable, and he already knows what conversation they're about to have.
"If you're going to lecture me for yelling at you, don't," he says. "I know I was not... thinking clearly." He hates this. It feels wrong, so terribly wrong for it to be him apologizing now, but it's always him who needs to, because it's always him who's wrong. He's not what the Jedi want him to be; he can't and never will be, and it makes him wonder if that's why they did this.
"I understand why you're angry," Obi-Wan replies, arms crossed, "But I did what I had to."
Anakin senses Ahsoka's flare of anger and hurt, sees how her hands clench and she tries not to glare. And it hurts, almost for her more than it does himself. She's so young. He should have protected her, shielded her from this. It's what a good master would have done. And he doesn't get it, why it feels as though he doesn't and never will matter to anyone.
'Is that all we are to you?' he wants to snarl. 'Collateral damage?!' He can't do that though, because it would let them know even more how imperfect he is, how he'll never be able to live up to their standards.
"Can we not do this now?" he asks instead, tiredly. He wants to cry, to break down and demand to know why Obi-Wan would do such a thing. He can't though, or rather he won't, because it's not the Jedi way. "I just want to keep moving," he says at last. "It's the past. It doesn't matter" The words taste like ash in his mouth, bitter and so, so entirely untrue. Everyone knows that, but he has to pretend to fake being perfectly fine. Ahsoka's anger flares and he thinks for a moment she's about to explode.
'Why don't you trust me?' he wants to ask. 'Why? What have I done?' He doesn't understand, or is it that he's too emotional? Is that it?
"If you have something more to say, just say it," Obi-Wan replies.
There's too much, to many, none of which he can. He wants to cry. Tears burn his eyes, but he holds them back through sheer willpower. He's not going to give in, not in front of the person who caused all this in the first place. "How," Anakin demands, finally, "Am I supposed to carry out my missions if you leave me out of it?"
"By listening, perhaps."
Maybe he was going to say more, but it's that which makes him snap. Anakin's body jerks and he barely stops himself on time from jolting upright and outright screaming, giving voice to the pain tearing him apart. "Don't," he snaps, instead, struggling to focus on something other than his pain and rage. "I know I shouldn't have gone after you, but what was I supposed to do? I thought –"
"That wasn't what I meant."
"Then what?" Anakin demands, "Are you going to tell me if I'd listened to the Council, this wouldn't have happened? That it's all my fault now?!"
"No," Obi-Wan retorts, "But you shouldn't have followed me."
He'll always defend the Council, insist that they're always right, and Anakin doesn't understand it. They are. They're supposed to be, but he doesn't understand how this could be. It... must be, or they wouldn't have done it, though he doesn't understand how or why. And why drag Ahsoka into it? Or is she considered collateral damage because Anakin himself isn't good enough?
Stop saying that, please stop saying that, I can't...
He doesn't know what Obi-Wan would have said – doesn't know if he wants to – but the Jedi Master narrows his eyes, looking at Anakin, or maybe... something beside him?
"What?" he asks, pushing himself up slightly and glancing around.
"Is that blood on your pillow?" he asks, part suspicions and part worried.
Anakin's head whips around to look down at it – it's hard because moving hurts, but he still looks, just to make sure, and... well. Yes. "Uh..."
"What's that from?" he asks, expression pinched. Oh, no, no, no. He does not want to deal with Obi-Wan fussing over him right now, preferably not ever, especially not right after his former master just proved exactly how much he really cares about him. Anakin loathes lies and deception, and it feels like their relationship is so full of that, it's crumbling down, down, down. Nothing like this can last, and that's what he fears most.
"Well," Anakin replies bitingly. This he doesn't care if it shows, because it's the truth, even if his master won't want to know, and maybe shouldn't know. "I might have had my head slammed on a rock no short of four times."
Obi-Wan winces. "I had no idea it would get this far."
Anakin doesn't know what he should say to that. He thinks his master is telling the truth, but he doesn't want to feel, and see if he's lying. If he is, Anakin doesn't want to know. What could he say? 'I know' feels like a reasonable response but it's a lie, because he didn't know. He doesn't know anything about their relationship anymore. All he knows is that he misses what was. He wishes he could turn time back, but it wouldn't change how Obi-Wan really is.
"How could you?" Ahsoka asks finally, hurt burning in her voice.
"I did what I had to. For the Order and the Republic. I couldn't blow my cover when I'd already come so far."
"You could have killed him!" she argues, incredulously, stung.
Something uncomfortable twists inside him. He didn't want to have this conversation from the start, but it's harder now for some reason, having Ahsoka being so fiercely protective of him. He loves her for it, because she's the only person who has ever been that way... since his mother. For as much as he loves it, it's foreign and he doesn't know how to handle it. "I could have, too," Anakin interjects, quietly. "I almost did." It fills him with shame, a crushing sense of self-loathing. He feels... dirty. He nearly killed his master, his father, his...
"Bane was about to kill you when I arrived!" Ahsoka retaliates, "If I hadn't gotten there on time..."
"I wouldn't have let him," Obi-Wan promises.
Something tightens in his chest, and Anakin really thinks this conversation is more than he can deal with right now. He returns his gaze to the ceiling in an effort to stop himself. He doesn't want to be so vulnerable in front of his former master now.
Anakin can see the guilt in his expression, but he doesn't want to believe it. "I – I'm sorry," Obi-Wan says, his eyes fixed on Anakin. "I didn't realize how far it would go. I didn't think about how much it would hurt you."
This is where he doesn't understand it anymore, where it doesn't make any sense. "You know how this felt," he mumbles. "You knew, but your duty is more important. It – it always is... I know. I understand."
There is another awkward pause of silence. "Good," Obi-Wan says, finally, slightly strained. "Now, you are injured, and I..." He falters, uncomfortable, before moving forwards. It must have been too fast, because Anakin startles, nearly flinching, only holding still because moving hurts too much. He doesn't appreciate the proximity, not when he wants to be alone. "I owe you this one," he finally settles on.
"You saved my life once already," Anakin mutters, because he knows, without a doubt, that had he been able to reach Dooku again before he could escape Naboo with the Chancellor, he would have been killed or otherwise greatly injured. He had a chance to kill the Sith and failed, because Dooku still had his hands free, and Anakin always seems to forget about the Sith's most obvious and painful fighting technique. Anakin's been on the receiving end more times than he cares to count, and last time the bolt hit him square in the chest from where the burns are centered around. It could've stopped his heart, and while part of him knows he should hope he's okay, he finds that he doesn't much care. If his master, if Obi-Wan didn't really care, who would?
Anakin feels bad for wondering, because he knows Ahsoka does, and Padme does, and so does Rex and the Chancellor, but it's not the same, because he hasn't known any of them for nearly as long. He's not as close with them, either.
"I did it," Obi-Wan replies. He doesn't look like he's going to back down. Uh oh.
"It's nothing, really," Anakin argues, pointedly ignoring the pain still lingering in every inch of his body, "It'll be fine. I'll go to the Halls of Healing tomorrow, I promise."
Somehow, he doesn't think Obi-Wan believes him. "I'm sorry," he says, anyway. "I didn't think about how much it would hurt you."
Anakin stubbornly blinks back tears. He doesn't trust himself to talk, so he only nods slightly. He feels trapped, cornered. He doesn't want to be here, especially so vulnerable. He wishes he could just move on as he'll pretend to, but a simple 'I'm sorry' changes nothing, even if Obi-Wan seems to think it will, or maybe Anakin's just being stubborn and selfish again like everyone always says he is. He doesn't know.
Obi-Wan reaches forwards after another brief, awkward pause, gently laying his hand on Anakin's shoulder. He flinches despite himself, but if Obi-Wan notices, he doesn't comment. This always used to mean comfort, but now it's... different. It's one of the many things that was broken, lost. "I know why you followed me," he says, "But you should have trusted the Council."
"You didn't trust me," Anakin whispers, a tear dripping down his cheek. He turns his head to press against his pillow in an effort to hide it. He doesn't understand, and Obi-Wan's not going to answer it. He never does. None of them do, and he doesn't know why, either. They don't trust him and never have. They claim he's dangerous, and Anakin has never forgotten that; he never could. Yoda told him again, right to his face, only a few days ago.
"I – I thought you would be able to let it go," Obi-Wan says, and Anakin very nearly hits him.
"Let go?" he snaps, anger surging. "You died in my arms, and you know – you're always telling me I'm not the perfect Jedi you want me to be, that I never will be!"
"Anakin –"
"No," he snaps, jerking away from Obi-Wan, because he can't – can't bear this if it's so fake. "I can't. I can't. You're right – is that what you wanted to know?" He cuts himself off to struggle to breath a few times – it hurts to breathe. His very existence hurts right now.
"If all you're going to do is upset him even further, maybe you should leave," Ahsoka snaps. She'd been so quiet, Anakin almost forgot she was there. Almost. Her lingering swirl of pain and anger in the Force is too glaringly obvious for him to miss. "He needs to rest."
He doesn't look terribly appreciative, but Obi-Wan does leave, after another unreadable look at Anakin. He thinks – maybe – he senses a lingering sense of regret from his master, but he doesn't dare reach out to see if it's real.
**w**
Obi-Wan does come back, later that night. Anakin's been staring up at the ceiling for the past hour or more with Ahsoka sleeping next to him. He still hasn't forgotten their conversation from earlier, but admittedly, arguments are normal with them. It's just much worse this time because of what happened. "I came to see how you were," Obi-Wan says, looking close to backing out of the room again. Part of Anakin wants to tell him to go, but he misses him and sometimes, fleetingly, Anakin wonders if this is a dream and Obi-Wan really is dead.
"Stay," Anakin blurts out before he can stop himself. "Please."
"I thought you wanted me to go," he replies, evenly, though there's the faintest hint of confusion in his voice.
"If all you will do is lecture me on my shortcomings, yes."
"Very well," he concedes finally, stepping inside and closing the door after him.
Ahsoka twitches but doesn't awaken. Normally, she's an incredibly light sleeper, but it different when she's at the Temple. She's always more comfortable here, especially when exhaustion is catching up to her, which it no doubt is now. Anakin hopes it stays that way, and she doesn't awaken from nightmares as she has every night since everything happened. He suspects she – both of them – will be struggling for a long time.
And he already feels bad for asking Obi-Wan to stay, because he – if Anakin is trying to make a point that Obi-Wan was right, he's already succeeding, but it won't change anything because everyone already knows he's a failure. Sometimes he wonders if he should stop trying altogether, but he can't do that. He can't, and their disappointment would be too much for him to bear.
"I am sorry. Truly." Obi-Wan sounds regretful, and admittedly far more so than earlier, but Anakin doesn't find it in himself to trust that.
"I don't want to talk about it," he mumbles. He breathes a few times, in and out. "I nearly defeated Dooku," Anakin tells him finally. "I was so close, but then he threw me back."
"If I was with you, we could have done it."
Anakin nods, closing his eyes. He's so tired. He wishes he could sleep, but he can't. He wishes he could be somewhere safe, with someone he trusts to protect him, but there's no one. "Next time we'll do it together."
Ahsoka twitches next to him again, unease prickling through their bond. She's still sleeping, but she's dreaming now. It's best to wake her before it gets too bad, he thinks. Anakin nudges her through their bond, trying to nudge her back to sleep, but she startles to wakefulness instead, bolting upright, eyes wide.
"It's okay. We're safe," Anakin reassures.
Ahsoka is sitting up now, breathing heavily a few times before she seems to finally settle down. Her gaze falls on Obi-Wan and instantly sinks into something resigned. One of her hands moves to clasp Anakin's and he returns the gesture, reassuringly. "I was... not nice to you earlier," she asserts, shifting uncomfortably. "And I'm sorry."
Anakin brushes his thumb over the back of her hand. They talked about it after Obi-Wan left again. "I – we were hurt by it," he continues for her, "But I... it doesn't excuse what I said."
"It's fine," Obi-Wan replies, "I knew there was a high chance you wouldn't take it well."
Anakin pushes himself upright, despite how exhausted he feels. His head spins at the movement, but he feels slightly less worn out than earlier. It'll kick back in any second, but he'll take advantage of this for the moment. His limbs are moving sluggishly though, like it takes too much effort to move, and his arm is twitching involuntarily.
The lighting is dim because it's nighttime now, but he can still make out Obi-Wan's worried frown. He approaches then slowly, his hand moving to brush through Anakin's hair. It stills over the gashes there – really, they're bleeding a lot and they might be adding to how lightheaded Anakin feels but they're not very deep.
Anakin doesn't pull away, and he thinks he might be a little too tired to, even if he wanted to.
"I know you struggled with letting go," Obi-Wan tells him, "But I hoped you would be able to."
"I can't," Anakin replies, tightly. I can't and never will be what you want me to be. Why can't you understand that?! "I try, but I – I can't do it."
"You're one of the strongest people I know. If anyone can, it's you."
"You're trying to see someone who's not there." Anakin wonders, briefly, if this is what Obi-Wan wants, to trick him into talking to use it more against him later, but he's too exhausted to contemplate it. That's probably why he's talking so readily, or maybe Ahsoka really did slip some pain meds into his system without him noticing from how sluggishly his brain is moving. They will so be talking about this if she did.
"Skyguy," Ahsoka speaks up, "You're crushing my hand."
His gaze snaps over to her without moving his head – Obi-Wan is still touching him and he doesn't want to pull away – and Anakin realizes with a start that – yes, well, he's holding her hand with his right and he can feel the pressure a little greater than it should have. He lets go hurriedly, wincing. "Sorry, I –"
"It's fine," she replies, patting his leg. "I just thought you have enough broken bones for both of us."
Anakin smiles faintly, half-heartedly, at her. In truth, he knows it happened because his body is still recovering from being electrocuted, and it makes his limbs occasionally jerk randomly for no reason. It's especially dangerous with his mechanical arm because he can literally crush something he's holding without realizing it.
"What?" Obi-Wan asks, frowning.
"Ahsoka already took care of it," Anakin answers, but Ahsoka responds with an even louder, "Just a rib or two. Nothing major."
Anakin isn't sure if she's trying to make Obi-Wan feel guilty, or if she just thinks his reaction is funny. "How did that happen?" he demands.
"I don't know if they're actually broken," Anakin argues, "But I landed wrong."
"You landed wrong," he repeats, skeptically. "When did that happen?"
He sighs. "I fell off a rapidly moving ship."
"And after that, you nearly killed me," Obi-Wan repeats, incredulously, "I don't know if I should be amazed by your recklessness and stupidity, or impressed you nearly killed me right afterwards."
"Neither." Anakin offers. This feels too familiar, too right, and it hurts. It's like it used to be, but nothing is the same anymore, and for as much as he hates that Obi-Wan is acting the same, he doesn't think he could have it any other way either. It's easiest to act as though nothing happened, especially because he doesn't know how else to act.
Obi-Wan sighs almost fondly. He runs his hand through Anakin's hair again before it drops to his shoulder.
Guilt twists inside him when Anakin thinks of what he remembers form their fight – it wasn't as clear as it ought to be – and he knows he wasn't the only one injured in that. "Were you –" he asks, "Are you alright? I know I..."
"It's nothing, really," Obi-Wan assures. "Nothing that won't heal."
Anakin nods slightly. Maybe, but the damage is done. He'll never be able to trust himself again. He could have killed his own master, and he would never have known the difference until it was too late. He hadn't been able to save his mother, and now...
Ahsoka may have lost faith in the Council, but Anakin only lost faith in himself, even if he knows he'll never be able to take their word for anything again.
And now, he's left torn between pulling Obi-Wan closer and pushing him away entirely, for fear of being hurt again. He wouldn't be able to handle it; he knows that much. He wonders if Obi-Wan knows, if he cares how much damage he could cause, how much he already did.
"I think," Obi-Wan says, "I will stay, if you don't mind."
Anakin looks to Ahsoka. She's looking up at him expectantly.
Anakin shakes his head. "You can stay."
It's not as if he could say no to that. He both craves and fears his master's presence now. Obi-Wan – Obi-Wan was always supposed to protect him, and Anakin trusted that, believed in that. He doesn't know how to handle it now that his trust was broken.
Ahsoka must have sensed his conflict because she scoots closer to him, the same way she always does if he needs help. Sometimes, he wants to think that's enough. It means more than he could ever say that she cares about him so much.
"I cannot fault you for losing trust in me," Obi-Wan tells him. "Rest now, little one. We may finish this conversation in the morning."
"I can't sleep anyway," Anakin replies quietly.
Ahsoka flinches next to him. She takes his shoulder, pulling him back down on the bed, curling herself up against his side, her arm winding around his waist and resting her head on his shoulder. "Stay down," she orders.
Obi-Wan brushes Anakin's hair back, a faint frown on his lips. Anakin imagines he's finally feeling his temperature, but thankfully doesn't comment. "It's alright. I'm right here," he assures.
Anakin nods, scooting over slightly – ignoring how it hurts to move – to give Obi-Wan room if he wants to stay. It hurts in some inexplicable way, that Obi-Wan is here and so close now, but – he was just gone, and Anakin can't help wondering what would have happened if he really was gone.
Ahsoka's grip on him tightens, pressing her hand against his stomach, curling closer. He can only hope she won't roll all the way on top of him in the night – that would really, really hurt.
Obi-Wan moves closer, lying next to him and turning sideways, just close enough that they're lightly touching, a simple reminder that he's here. It means so much now. "I am so sorry," he breathes, quiet enough that Anakin is almost certain it's his imagination. It's what he wants to hear, so it's probably no more than that. He wishes he could believe it, trust it.
Ahsoka's presence winds around him, soft and light and everlastingly loyal. Anakin reaches back, letting it soothe him. Sometimes it's only with each other that they can find the comfort they need in the war.
Obi-Wan touches Anakin's arm. "I need you to know. I had no idea it would come to this."
"I know," Anakin responds. (Does he, though?)
He clings to him, content to hold on a little while longer, even if he doesn't know if he should. Content to just... rest.
Maybe they'll learn what it means to be together, to be family, eventually. Maybe.
Final Notes: And I have no idea what happens afterwards, but I'm going to pretend they finally talk. :(
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