Chapter 18: Am I my own worst enemy?

"I'm sorry you found out…..identiy.." he grumbled as he drifted to sleep. He felt her tighten around him and heard her whispering but couldn't quite make out what she had been saying. He let slumber take over his body.

"Chat no!" his lady cried. She lay on the ground before him, her hands behind her, keeping her up. Adrien watched as his akumatized-self glared at her, his hand was holding a blast of energy and, he was aiming it right at her.

"You promised" she whimpered

"You think that matters to me? This is what I do! This is the way I do things. I'm an Agreste," he sneered as he lowered the light towards her weakened figure.

"Stop!" Adrien called. Neither of them could hear him. "Stop!" He yelled louder. The sound waves made the white cat's ears twitch.

"You were supposed to keep me safe" Ladybug looked over at him at last, tears in her eyes as she began to fade into the light.

"My lady!" Adrien tried sprinting towards he, but he was stopped by two white gloved hands. They seared through his black suit, burning his skin.

"Let go of me! Look what you did to her! We're supposed to keep her safe!" he cried, trying to pull himself free.

"No, Adrien. Look what YOU did. What WE did" his blue eyes remained unblinking. The white suited cat began laughing, menacingly, his hands not budging.

"Let me go!" Adrien screamed.

The laughter stopped and his face changed from sly, to angry. "Don't tell me what to do!" Chat blanc screamed louder. "This is our fate! We die together here! We die together here because we killed her!" his screams were agonizing.

"You-You're not real!" Adrien shoved him aggressively, his akumatized- self backed away frowning. His frown quickly changed to a smile. He began chuckling. "Neither are you" He laughed, shaking his head.

"You're lying!" Adrien kicked him in the stomach and pointed his baton in front of him. "I will never be you" his voice cracked, and a gust of wind snatched his legs from underneath him.

Chat Blanc bent down towards his face and smiled. "You and I both know that's not true Adrien. You are me and I am you. There's a reason why you can imitate our cousin so well. You thought that was his smile in the mirror, didn't you? It was mine, Adrien. Ours." Adrien's ears pounded with blood. He felt like shutting his own brain off, but the words grew louder. "There's a reason why you almost killed him…our dad. You wanted to. You felt it didn't you? There's darkness in us. You've felt the ice envelop your heart so many times. That's what I feel, what we feel, when we want to disappear." His words whipped around Adrien's head, bouncing off the fallen buildings around them. Adrien held his black leathered hands to his ears. The sound didn't shut off and the voice continued inside his head.

"You can't escape me. You can't run away. I am everywhere you go, and you can feel it. I'm in your thoughts. Our thoughts. We share a mind. We are one in the same Adrien" he hissed. He felt his words chilling his brain. He opened his eyes and looked up at his alter ego. He leaned down at him just like his father had. He saw his white chest heaving in front of his eyes. He could de-akumatize him. No. That wouldn't be enough. Something powerful and dark consumed Adrien's body and surged into his hands.

"Cataclysm!" he screamed, reaching his charged hands onto the shoulders of the white suited cat. He smiled as cracks formed in his chest, breaking towards his face. "We don't deserve her" the villain whispered and suddenly, his form began to fade. Adrien expected him to crumble into dust, but instead, his ice blue eyes became watery, blue bell eyes and he replaced himself with Marinette. She hiccupped as she vanished into thin air.

"NO!" Adrien cried.

He woke up in a cold sweat. He had been lying on his back now, the blankets tossed to the side. He reached his hands to his hair and began rubbing his temples as his chest heaved. He turned to his side to find Marinette sound asleep. Safe. He let himself relax. He leaned over and kissed her, happy to see her alive. He then remembered his dream. What if she's not safe when she's with me? What if…. He gulped. He looked down at his hands. He felt like he was suffocating. He needed to escape.

"Plagg? Can we go outside for a little bit?" He steadied his voice.

"What for? It's dark out Adrien. No way" the kwami sassed him.

"Just for a minute. I promise. I just need some air" Adrien continued

"Alright. If you must." Plagg headed to his owner, reluctantly.

"Claws out" he spoke quietly. He didn't want to wake his sleeping girlfriend. Chat's throat formed a lump. He knew she needed him, but he also knew he could potentially hurt her. It was in his bloodline. Maybe Master Fu was wrong. And now he had the butterfly miraculous. He could do anything with it. What if he was following in his dad's footsteps? His stomach knotted at the thought.

Before he knew it, he had climbed onto the roof of his building. His hands gripped his staff. "I don't deserve her" he whispered to the empty air in front of him. "I don't deserve to be a hero." He continued. "I'm just another threat. Another Agreste." He continued. He let the darkness he'd been holding onto seep in, only it didn't feel cold or evil, it felt sad. He gripped the metal as it took over. He expected it to leave him cold and angry but instead, he felt deeply and utterly sad. He suddenly yearned to be near Marinette again. He didn't want to leave her but he felt like he wanted to vanish from the Earth. No. You can't think that way. Just run away instead. He turned his back from the edge. He knew if he ran off into the night it would only hurt her. She needs me. Keep it together. He tried telling himself to go back inside but sure enough, his sadness took over and his ears rang loudly. He could feel himself heading into a panic attack. He shivered. Now, he certainly felt cold.

Ladybug's POV.

Marinette woke up to find her partner had left the bed. She sleepily rubbed her eyes, feeling around to see if she could find her phone light. She carefully turned it on and saw no one in the room but Tikki.

"Marinette. It's Adrien. I think somethings wrong." Her kwami's eyes showed deep worry. "I think he went outside." Marinette sat up and her heart began to thump. She was worried about her partner, her love, Chat Noir, who was also Adrien. Wow, that would take her some getting used to. She shook her mind back into focus and remembered that he had seen a lot that day and she wanted to help him as best as she could. She gave her kwami a gentle nod and called on her transformation.

She clumsily climbed up the side of the building, slipping a little due to the rain. When she made it to the roof she saw him standing still. One of his claws was scratching at the side of the opposite arm. His eyes looked forward wildly showing something she hadn't seen on him before: panic.

She gently made her way towards him. She knew how he was feeling since she had had plenty of panic attacks herself. Their lives were anything but easy, and she understood.

"Chaton" she whispered. His eyes met hers, but he didn't react. He seemed to be mumbling something to himself. "Kitty" she continued, her arm reaching out to touch the one that had been scratching himself "I know it all feels like too much kitty but it's going to be ok. We're going to be ok. Just breathe with me" she tried to keep her voice steady for him but her body felt like it was being suffocated.

He jumped at her touch and moved away from her, hyperventilating. "I- I don't know! What if it's not ok! What if I'm just like him! Maybe I am the version of me that scared you away! I- I can't breathe!" his eyes began to tear up. He reached his hand towards his chest, trying to catch his breathe. Her heart broke at his words.

"You're not! You're nothing like that!" She moved towards him slowly. Every move she made was delicate.

"What if I am! If I really am… And maybe I do have too much power. You said it yourself" His breath kept breaking his words and he held a hand to his chest. He inhaled deeply, trying to control it but it kept failing.

"Kitty breathe… you're ok" Her voice was nearly a whisper.

He caught his breathe briefly. "My…superpower…is literally destruction" he shivered, gasping. His hand continued to claw at his arm. "Does that not sound like a villain's power to you?" His breath hitched again. "Cataclysm!" he called. He held up his hand. "See! I could destroy anything with this! This building, a person, myself… anything!" he shouted.

"Chat stop! Please!" She cried. His suit turned white before her eyes and she wanted to block her memories out. She raised her hands in front of herself and ducked.

Why did he do that? Why did he say that? He was being an idiot, reckless, careless. He lowered his hand, realizing he was scaring her and met her eyes. She seemed to relax.

"Sorry." He apologized. "I won't use it." his breathing slowed a little and he swallowed.

She lowered her hands again and his suit was in fact black. She inhaled the damp air. "Who saves Paris at my side every day, Chat? Who has helped me relentlessly and loved me with more kindness than I could ever imagine? Who saves innocent people with or without me? Who risks his life to save mine?" She saw his chest heaving in and out as she spoke. She found herself close to him now. Her hands grew clammy. She could feel him easing up, but she still felt desperate to calm him down.

"Me." He breathed. Life seeped back into his eyes.

"You don't want to hurt innocent people. You don't want to hurt yourself" She spoke gently.

"No. I don't. You're right" his voice shook. "But I want to disappear sometimes. I want to stop hurting. I want to stop feeling like I'm my father's son. And I want to stop being scared of hurting you." He began to cry again. "I don't know what to do" he cried harder.

"You are good Adrien. Not evil. You're Chat Noir. You are a hero." His name on her lips pricked goosebumps onto his neck. She steadied herself in front of him. She reached her hands to his chest, and she felt him relax under her touch. "Everyone says I'm Paris' Hero. But what they don't see is that I can't be anyone's hero without mine. You're my hero Chat Noir." A desire for her kiss erupted into his body and forced him towards her.

She had planned on kissing him gently when he unexpectedly crashed against her lips with desperation. She yipped slightly at the collision but willingly parted her lips and allowed him to press deeper into her mouth. His clumsy tongue moved against hers and she lost herself for a moment. His hand stayed raised with his power looming above them. He then realized how aggressively he'd kissed her and slowed down, returning to his usual gentle, seductive movements. He parted his lips from hers and exhaled. The warm air blew her bangs away from her cheeks. She watched as he lowered himself to the roof below them so that he was crouching. His eyes glanced to the side and he noticed a stray brick next to him. He placed his cataclysm-ed hand on it gently and it disintegrated. She let herself exhale, realizing that she had been holding her breathe.

"I. I don't know what came over me. I'm sorry my lady. I just, wanted everything to stop. And before I knew it, I was up here panicking" his eyes still held their widened appearance.

Ladybug, mildly flustered from his kiss, lowered herself to his level and held his hands in hers.

"It's okay to not be okay sometimes. You have so much weight on your shoulders my love. This job we share is not easy. You've taken care of me and carried my burdens throughout everything that I've gone through, so I want to do the same for you. But you must promise you won't disappear on me. Nothing could hurt me more than losing you. Nothing" she spoke breathlessly, hoping he would get the message. He grabbed onto her hands and his mouth parted slightly.

"I'm so sorry. Oh god my lady. I'm so sorry for scaring you. For yelling like that and then kissing you that way, You must think I'm a fucking lunatic. Sometimes I feel so braindead and lost it just drives me crazy" The curse in his sentence drew her attention. She leaned forward and kissed his forehead.

"Don't ever doubt yourself kitty. I know you. I know your heart. No matter who you're related to" She breathed in his hair. He smelt like food, but she couldn't place what kind.

He smiled a little and fell back on his hands. "I promise I won't disappear. I won't. I could never leave you. I just feel like…. Like I haven't been strong enough to be the partner you need lately. Like I haven't been holding it together as well as I should be for you. I had a dream that I hurt you and something in me snapped."

"Are you kidding me chaton? You think you haven't been holding it together? I had no idea you were going through so much. You seemed off and a little distant, but you managed to remain my rock this whole time. And you've been an incredible boyfriend all the while. You've always been that way. Whenever the world feels like its falling apart, you hold it together for me. Chat, you are without a doubt, the strongest person I know." Sincerity shone all over her eyes and it took him by surprise.

Hearing that Ladybug, Marinette, the most admirable person he'd ever known, thought of him that way tugged at his soul. He shook his head and felt guilt rising in his gut. She had no idea of the power she held over him. He didn't feel he deserved her, but he certainly appreciated her. His lip quivered and his mouth opened but he couldn't find the words to thank her. Instead, he delicately cupped her cheek. A small sound escaped his throat and he blinked out a few happy tears.

Just then, she lurched forward and brought him into a much-needed hug. She felt him tighten it as he wrapped his arms around her waist and tucked his head into her shoulder. They both melted at the touch of each other. Their hugs always had a feeling of magic behind them "I love you. I love you. I love you" he repeated in her ear, touching her soul with his words. His hand stroked the back of her head.

His warmth consumed her. "I love you. It's going to be okay" She sniffled and her nose scrunched. "You smell like cilantro. She giggled.

"That must be from the restaurant I went to today. In Spain." He smirked a little. Suddenly, she realized what he had just said to her. "Spain?" she raised her eyebrows. "Come back inside with me kitty, we have a lot to discuss" she helped him to his feet. He felt her body warmth leave him but it didn't matter. He felt a new sense of strength within him. He wiped his eyes and nodded. They definitely had a lot to discuss.