The sound of the engines woke Roach and for a moment he wondered what was happening. Then he realised it must be Ghost's carrier and the pain was sharp and cutting and it took his breath away. Tears blurred his vision and he quickly wiped them away.
With shaking hands Roach opened the drawer to pull out a small bottle. It was filled with pills but still unopened, the seal intact. If anyone found out he had these, well his career with the task force would be over faster than he could say I'm sorry. It was another reminder of what he'd once needed so badly above everything else.
"Fuck!" Throwing it back in the drawer, Roach slammed it shut and stood up. He couldn't stay in this room in his head another minute.
Outside the cold air was invigorating. His head cleared with each crisp lungful and slowly, his thoughts calmed down. What a mess. He hadn't even seen Ghost yet and he was already a wreck. So much for progress.
In the cafeteria the next morning, Roach kept his head down and focused on the food in front of him. Even when there was a commotion and everybody got up to greet Ghost, he stayed sitting rigidly in his seat. When Poet returned, his look was reproachful.
"Don't say it," Roach warned him.
"You should talk to him." Poet sighed and handed him a piece of paper. "It's from Ghost."
Roach took it and shoved it into his pocket. "I'll think about it."
"You can't avoid him forever."
"I know." Roach hunched over his plate and shook his head. "Not now though."
He only glanced up once after that, just long enough to see Ghost sitting across the room from him. He looked healthy and whole, not wearing his balaclava anymore. At least one of them was improving. Suddenly Ghost glanced towards him and at that moment when their eyes met, Roach could feel all that guilt hit him like a truck. Then it was gone and the other man returned to his conversation, leaving Roach shaken.
No, he was not ready for that. He could still remember their last conversation as if it'd happened yesterday. He couldn't eat anymore, couldn't be in this room with Ghost another minute. So he got up and left before he did something stupid like crying.
Outside in the corridor, Roach pulled out the crumpled note and stared at all the implications it held. He wasn't ready. So instead of reading it as he should have, he went for a run. The note lay in his drawer, out of sight but not out of mind.
When he got back to his room there stood Ghost waiting for him. Well, it was going to happen eventually and it looked like he'd decided now. Roach stopped short of the door, looking down at their feet, too afraid to look into those eyes that had once held so much love, he didn't want to know what they held now.
"Roach, we need to talk. We need to do this so we can move on."
"Say it then."
Ghost sighed. "Here?"
"Fair point." Roach opened the door and sat on the bed, Ghost taking the chair. "So what did you want to talk about?"
"Did you read my note?" Roach shook his head. "Alright, we need to find a way to get along. So I'm willing to let the past be the past if you are."
Well, two could play at that game. Roach stuck his hand out and met Ghost's gaze. "Hi, I'm Sergeant Gary Roach Sanderson. Nice to meet you."
"Lieutenant Simon Ghost Riley." Ghost shook his hand and the contact made Roach's stomach jolt. It was the first time they'd touched in over a year.
"I thought you didn't share your name."
"How would you know that?"
"Right." Roach let go and chuckled. "Sorry, it's kind of hard to pretend not to know you."
"Well things change, it's been a year. Maybe you don't know me as well as you thought you did." His eyes were alight with amusement though and Roach couldn't help smiling. "Or maybe nothing's changed at all."
"I'll try if you do."
"It's a deal."
With that tenuous agreement, Roach tried this new friendship with Ghost. It was difficult and sometimes he slipped up and their eyes would meet and show that they were so much more than friends. Sometimes Ghost slipped up and the mask of his Lieutenant would fracture long enough for Roach to see the man he'd married.
One good thing that came from all this was Ghost provided the perfect distraction. He hadn't thought about the pills in months.
Then the day came when they fucked up.
"Shit that was close!" Ghost slammed the door shut and the sounds of footsteps and gunshots dropped. They'd been ambushed on the way to the rendezvous and had taken a detour through some slums. "I think we're safe for now."
"Why do we always end up in these situations?" Roach looked up and grinned at Ghost. The adrenaline pumping into his system was clouding his thoughts. "Just like old times, huh?"
Ghost's hands were in his hair and he was against the wall in seconds as their lips met. God, he hadn't been kissed like this in ages. Adrenaline fueled and probably a bit desperate, Roach kissed him back. Then Ghost's hand was in his trousers and fuck if it didn't feel amazing.
The sound of the door breaking open brought them to their senses. Roach was faster and the man was dead before he'd even raised the gun. Ghost still had a hand down his pants. Their eyes met and he chuckled.
"Now it's like old times. Come on, we'll miss the rendezvous."
Back on the carrier, Roach sighed deeply and closed his eyes. Back in the day, he'd be trying not to ride Ghost right now. As things stood however they were on opposite ends of the carrier trying to not acknowledge each other. It had been a mistake, an adrenaline-fueled disaster that could fuck up their entire friendship.
As soon as they touched down the other man was gone.
In the shower, Roach couldn't get Ghost out of his head and was ashamed to admit he jerked off. What he wouldn't give to have one more night with Ghost and it was his fault he never would. All that remained were thoughts and memories, a poor substitute.
Roach punched the wall, for a moment giving in to all that rage and punched it again and again until his hands were too bloody to continue.
"Roach, stop it." Ghost's voice was in his head and it wouldn't go away. He grabbed his head and started crying, falling to his knees. Warm arms encircled him, the water stopping as the shower was turned off. "I got you."
The last thing Roach registered was a soft bed and a kiss to his forehead before passing out. The next morning he woke to find his hands neatly bandaged but the pain was there. No painkillers for him. Looking around the first thing he noticed was this wasn't his room. God the smell of the pillow was breaking his heart.
The only thing missing was Ghost's arms around him.
The door opened and there he stood, eyes full of concern as he approached the bed and knelt next to him. "Hey," Roach said softly. "What's going on?"
"You tell me. You were screaming your head off in the showers last night, beating your hands bloody." Ghost's hands caught his gently, moving up to his wrists. "Don't fall apart on me, Gary."
"I'm still here aren't I?"
"Barely." Ghost frowned and the grip around his wrists tightened. "I'm sorry I kissed you. There are lines I shouldn't cross and that was a big one."
"Too late now. It was nice though." Roach knew he shouldn't say these things but it was hard not to be honest with this man. This person who had once meant everything to him. "I'd give anything to have one more night with you."
"Shut up Gary."
"No, you shut up Simon. I love you." He did, truly. Nothing had changed. No matter how hard he tried he still loved this man and always would.
"You signed the papers."
"You gave me no choice."
"No, you gave me no choice! You chose those fucking pills over me, over us. Every time I looked at you all I could see was that betrayal. How could you do that Gary? Do you even remember how it ended?" Ghost asked quietly.
Roach felt like he'd been stabbed. "Yeah, I do. It was my fault. I chose the pills over you." Roach's voice caught in his throat. He'd killed their marriage, all for some fucking pills. "I'm so sorry."
"I would say it's in the past but finally hearing you apologise is good." Ghost sighed and smiled. It was a loving smile and Roach felt giddy at the sight. "You're blushing."
"What?" Roach touched his cheek and realised he was. "Oh, well I guess it can't be helped."
"Come on, let's get something to eat."
The next few weeks were the best in Roach's life, well the best in the past year anyway. He hadn't been this happy in forever. His relationship with Ghost had blossomed again and friendship wasn't the only thing he had on his mind. Ghost seemed to agree because that kiss back in the slums wasn't the only one.
God he wanted in Ghost's pants so bad. Bringing up that subject however, wasn't easy. Anytime he tried Ghost would suddenly need to leave. It was like the beginning of their relationship all over again and the thought of intimacy sent him running.
"You do realise we were married, right? I've sucked your dick many, many times." Roach had to hold back a laugh as Ghost scowled. "You got a problem with me now?"
"No."
"So what's the problem?"
"The problem is you and I. We're divorced for a reason."
"Hasn't stopped you kissing me." He grabbed Ghost's hand, forcing him to stay. "We both know there's something here, Simon. Are we really going to throw away our second chance?"
"What makes you think I want a second chance?" That was a slap to the face. Ghost seemed to realise that because his expression softened. "Do you want to know how I felt when I saw those pills? You could've stabbed me and it would've hurt less. You lied to my face Gary and you expect me to just get over it?"
"That's not what I meant."
"Those fucking pills." Ghost chuckled. "I miss you, Gary. But I need you to really promise me no secrets. One lie and I'm out for good."
"I promise, no secrets. I mean it too I will never lie to you, ever." Something shifted in Ghost's eyes and there it was, all that love Roach had been missing. "Hey, Simon."
"Shut up and get on the bed." Roach hadn't realised how deprived he'd been of physical contact. Ghost's touch was so good it was almost too much to bear. "Shit, do you have any lube?"
"In the drawer." And for the first time in months, he remembered what else was in there. "Wait!"
Too late. Ghost was holding that bottle filled with implications and there was no going back.
"I forgot. I forgot it was there, I'm so sorry." Roach cupped his face and turned it. Those eyes no longer held any love and it was breaking his heart. "Simon I promise you I'm not taking any. It's been months since I've even thought of them."
"Then why do you have a bottle full?" The pills rattled in his shaking hand. "Did you steal again? Did you ever stop?!"
Roach flinched at the accusations. "I stopped that day you told me it was over. Do you want me to prove it to you?" Snatching the bottle away, he emptied it into the toilet and flushed them away. The empty bottle hit the bin with a clatter. "I don't want the pills, I want you."
"And I'm supposed to believe that? You've made these promises before Gary what's so different this time?"
"I'm clean now." He pulled the ring out from under his shirt. "And I know what they cost."
"I can't do this." Ghost was on his feet and pacing. It might as well have been that first time he'd caught Roach with the pills all over again. "I'm not doing this again! Are there more bottles?" He yanked open the drawers and Roach felt the tears fall down his cheeks. "You keep promising me that's it and then more pills appear so where are the rest?"
"There's no more."
"I don't believe you."
Untrusted. Unloved. Unwanted.
Ghost searched the room and Roach sat on the bed watching. For a moment, for one perfect moment back there he'd thought they were together again. Ghost had loved him, even if it was only for a second. Now it was gone and he felt more alone than ever. It was a good thing those pills were gone too because he wasn't sure he could survive the night. Once Ghost left, he'd be alone again with no one to blame but himself.
Finally out of places to search, Ghost stopped.
"Believe me?"
"I'll have to, for now."
"Look at me." He refused. "Simon, look at me!"
"Don't call me Simon!" Ghost finally did look at him, glared at him. "It's Ghost or Lieutenant. That's all I am to you."
"Right because half an hour ago you weren't about to fuck me." Roach scoffed. "You haven't spent all this time since you got back trying to fix our relationship? Why don't you just run away again then?!"
"Maybe I will!" Roach flinched as the door slammed shut behind him.
Roach checked his drawer, making sure everything was gone. That's when he found the note. The one Poet had given him from Ghost that day of his return. Roach had forgotten all about it and with shaking hands, he finally opened it.
I still love you.
He needed to feel something, anything other than this heartbreak. Wiping his face, he went into the bathroom to clean up. As he washed his face he saw it in the mirror. One tiny little pill next to the toilet. As he picked it up, every single part of him wanted to take it and numb the pain.
It would be so simple. One swallow and it would all go away. That blissful numbness would help him forget everything.
The chain around his neck caught on his skin and Roach was jerked back to reality. Without a second thought, he flushed it away and stumbled backwards. He'd almost thrown it all away, all for one fucking pill. He banged into someone and jumped around to find Ghost had come back.
"What? Why are you here?"
"I overreacted, I'm sorry." Ghost's arms were around him and he felt so safe he couldn't stop the tears. "I'm so sorry Gary. I just saw those pills and freaked out. I know you're not using, I know you wouldn't do that again."
"Don't leave, please don't leave me alone again."
"I won't I promise." Ghost got him onto the bed and held him tightly. "I left you once when you needed me the most, I won't do it again. I'll stay all night if you need me to."
And he did. Roach didn't sleep, couldn't sleep. Ghost stayed with him and although he fell asleep, the arms around him didn't let go. When the light started streaming through the windows Roach got up, waking Ghost in the progress.
"Where are you going?"
"For a run." He'd already changed by the time Ghost sat up. "I'll see you later."
"Gary, wait."
"Don't call me Gary. It's Roach or Sergeant." He didn't wait for a response but left.
Maybe it was cruel to throw the words back in his face, but Roach didn't care. He just wanted to get away from Ghost and think clearly for a while. By the time he returned to his room it was empty.
Trying not to think about the last time this had happened, Roach started training. The shooting range was empty and calming. Hitting each target reminded him that he was sober, that he hadn't done anything wrong. He'd forgotten something, yes, but he hadn't done it on purpose.
"Nice shooting, Tex."
"I'm English and that accent is horrible."
"Well, humour never really was my strong suit." Ghost leaned against his station and sighed. "So... Roach, how are you feeling?"
"Sorry, I shouldn't have said that to you."
"No more than I should've last night."
"We've really fucked this up." Roach shook his head. "So much for a second chance. I should've told you about the pills. I can't believe I forgot..."
It suddenly hit him how different things would be if that bottle hadn't been found. They'd still be in bed for sure, satisfied and in love. Instead, they were stood in the early morning at the shooting range trying to sort through the broken pieces of their relationship again.
"Maybe it's for the best. Maybe we're not cut out for each other."
"You believe that?"
"I don't know." Roach smiled bitterly. "But we're not exactly doing a good job of it are we?"
"True." Silence fell between them and then Ghost said one word that tore at his heart. "Friends?"
"Yeah, friends."
Roach made a promise to himself not to endanger their friendship again, no matter how much he wanted more. As the months turned into years it became easier as they found a rhythm. Before long three years had passed.
Then the call came to take down Makarov.
They had spent those three years dismantling the Russian's operations piece by piece until there was nowhere left for him to run. Cornered and without allies, now was their time to strike. It went off almost without a hitch, aside from Ghost taking a bullet to the leg.
Roach was sat with Ghost on the carrier waiting for takeoff. The team was still securing the safehouse and rooting out the last of Makarov's resistance but he was keeping Ghost safe. When he hissed in pain, Roach was momentarily distracted.
"You need some meds?"
"If you can find some." Roach rooted through the racks, finally finding a medkit. Inside was a small bottle with a couple of painkillers. He handed them to Ghost quickly. "Thanks."
"Just be sure to tell Soap you took them." It was a weak joke and he received a glare in response. "Sorry, I'm not so good at humour either."
"Well, that's one thing we have in common." Ghost propped his leg up with a groan. "Fuck I'll be glad to get out of here. I'm looking forward to not being shot at for a long time."
"You think that's it then?"
"Well with Makarov dead, his allies long gone and what's left of his resistance being cleaned up as we speak, there's not much left we can do. I'd give it a few months and the task force will be dissolved." He opened his eyes, raising an eyebrow at Roach. "So what will you do?"
They'd had this conversation once before a long time ago, back when they were still married. At the time the agreement was to move back to his hometown. Roach was still planning on doing this, but now without Ghost. Instead of buying a house for two, it would be somewhere for one.
"Roach?"
"Um, go home I guess." He cleared his throat and looked down. Noticing Ghost was still bleeding he grabbed some gauze to press into the wound. "What about you?"
"I don't know. My plans went out the window as soon as I signed those divorce papers." Ghost's hand found his and gripped it tightly. "Still kinda hoping to come with you."
"We talked about this. Better as friends remember?"
"I'm tired of pretending I'm not in love with you." When Roach pulled away he held on tighter. "Listen to me Gary, please just listen. Let's try again, a real second chance."
"You're just saying that because you've got nowhere else to go. We tried and tried and all it does is hurt us both. I can't do this anymore."
"One more chance is all I'm asking for." Their eyes met and the sincerity in Ghost's made his heart ache. "I love you."
Fuck it all if he didn't love this man too. "Ok."
"Ok?"
"I love you too. So I'm willing to try again."
Leaning forwards, they kissed. It felt good to feel this connection again after so long. His hands now freed, found their way into Ghost's hair. In moments he was on his lap and fuck it, he was undoing Ghost's belt and pulling his trousers down. Years without physical contact had left him starved.
"Shit, Gary we gotta stop before someone sees."
"No one will, they're busy."
"We don't have any lube."
"I'll find something." It didn't take long to find something suitable and as Ghost took the bottle, he too seemed to lose his sense of control.
"Alright, get your ass back here then."
"Just don't cum inside me, it'll be easier to clean up then."
The sex was quick and intense. Neither lasted long due to their lack of action and as Roach thought, no one interrupted them. He was careful of Ghost's leg, making sure he wasn't in any pain but the painkillers did the work for him. The sex left him numb with pleasure, not unlike the pills had once upon a time but so much better because this was real.
"I thought I said don't cum inside me."
"Sorry, couldn't help it." Ghost smiled lazily, eyes still closed and it was up to Roach to clean him up and get his uniform sorted. "Felt too good, I've missed you so much."
"More like you missed my ass."
"That too."
The gauze worked wonders for cleaning up. Throwing it in the bag with the blood-stained ones, no one would know the difference.
"Don't pretend you don't like my dick."
Roach looked at him critically. "You're fucking high, aren't you? Jesus how strong were those pills?"
"Very strong."
"Well, at least you're not in pain." Sitting down next to him, Roach winced and his hand moved to the tender spot at the base of his spine. "Unlike me."
"I'm sorry you can't have one."
"Don't be, I'd rather hold your hand." As he said it, he did. The feeling of Ghost's fingers entwining with his was amazing. It was a long-missed pleasure and he didn't want to lose this again. "Come with me, back home."
"Of course."
They kissed again, slow and gentle now, just revelling in each other for the first time in years. It was Soap's appearance that finally broke them apart. "Alright love birds, cut the smooching. We're going back to base. How's the leg Ghost?"
"It's fine. I took the pills."
"Pills?"
"In the medkit."
"Oh, alright." Soap raised an eyebrow but Roach only shook his head. "Try to get some rest mate. I'll wake you when we get back."
Ghost recovered quickly under Roach's care but refused the meds. It was still clear in both their minds what had happened the last time they'd been down this road. The rejection was a breath of fresh air like they had both chosen to change for the better.
So when the task force ended and they returned to Roach's hometown they were stronger than ever. Within weeks Ghost was down on one knee again asking for another chance. He didn't get to finish before Roach was kissing him and saying yes.
With his ring back on his finger, Roach had never been happier. On bad days Ghost was there by his side with all his promises, reminding him he didn't need those pills anymore. On good days, well on those days he was too content to consider anything else. Now there was more good days than bad.
Every day he made sure to tell Ghost he loved him and every time he said it back. He didn't need anything else.
