To remember with perfectly hazed clarity

Skye doesn't remember much of her childhood. Or, sometimes, she remembers too much of it. Most of the time, it's a distant knowledge. Specific things she remembers. She moved around a lot. The nuns were mean. Most homes weren't so great. Other things- it's like she's forgotten about it completely until it's suddenly stuck in her head, circling, won't get out, dragged out of the recesses of her mind that tries so hard to make her forget.

It's like her past isn't solid, until it suddenly is, fresh and immediate, right in front of her, triggered by some menial thing. Like a smell. The first time Coulson decided to 'get in the festive spirit' and lit a Christmas candle (one of those apple cinnamon ones that just come with the holidays), Skye is left shaken. Suddenly she isn't on the bus, but with the Thompsons. Sky didn't remember the Thompsons until, feeling disoriented and foggy, she locks herself in her quarters and lets the memories wash over her.

She was only with them a month, during the holidays. Which is weird, because most homes send you back just before the holidays so they don't have to deal with presents or having you around all the time with school being out. Skye got lots of presents that Christmas.

Showered in gifts she wouldn't be able to keep. Able to have an actual bed. She would have preferred the old air mattresses that she's used to, or the couch, or even the floor. Because she didn't sleep at all in that bed. Even when the body next to her was sound asleep, feeling the even breathing of the naked torso pressing up against her back, the heavy arm draped over her sore body.

After the candles are lit, Skye spends the next week hiding in her bunk, or wandering the bus in a haze, until the next time they next land, and she subtly collects all the candles Coulson bought and tosses them into the ocean.

She's pretty sure May knew it was her who made them disappear, but the older agent never says anything. It was during the time she thought May still disliked her.

Skye can't stand the smell of McDonnalds. It was after SHIELD fell and the entire team was stuck living out of motel rooms. It was Trip's turn to bring back dinner, and ended up coming in with bags and bags of happy meals.

The smell immediately caused her stomach to turn in nausea, and she felt the familiar disconnecting hazy start to cloud her awareness, and she rushed to the bathroom to empty the already little contents of her stomach.

The display caused alarm in the team, but Skye was lost in memories of the one foster brother who always snuck her happy meals- because their foster dad kept a padlock on the refrigerator and pantry, but not his wallet. He was so angry when he found out Jamie had been stealing from him. After getting out of the hospital, Skye went straight back to the orphanage. Jamie never left the hospital.

Skye can never remember her dreams when she wakes up. She thinks she remembers only when she sleeps, because when she wakes up, she's soaked in sweat, and feels scared and very very wrong, but she can't remember. So, she grabs her laptop and starts hacking whatever person they need information on, and decides she doesn't need to sleep (even though she's running on less than two hours of sleep a night). When she has nothing to hack, she wanders the bus or, later, the Playground. It's during one of these wanderings, during her early days with the team, that she finds out that May doesn't sleep either.

Skye- no, it's Daisy now (sometimes even she forgets)- stares down at her wrists a lot. At the thin white lines in almost obsessively perfect rows. She remembers when she self-harmed. She doesn't remember how it started- but she remembers why it stopped. Miles got her to stop. He found and saved her life at her lowest point. He taught her to hack- gave her a purpose. She used to be so grateful to him, before she found out the kind of hypocritical person he really was.

Daisy stares at her arms a lot. She doesn't remember how it started- until Lincoln dies.

She doesn't remember until she's suddenly looking down at her bloody arm. She doesn't remember making the cuts, but she suddenly remembers a voice in her ear and a finger tracing her skin. 'Never where anyone can see.' Sue-Anne was just a little older than her at the orphanage- age 14 to her 12 years. 'Across for pain, down for the body bag.'

Skye- no, Daisy- she's Daisy- why does she keep thinking of herself as Skye? Skye sucks. Then again, so does Daisy. Daisy's the one who got Lincoln killed.

Daisy thinks about slicing down a lot. A body bag sounds nice. She likes enclosed spaces. She misses her van.

After her stunt with the Watch Dogs in the prison, May watches her a lot closer. Daisy can feel her eyes everywhere she goes, but she can't seem to dredge up any fury or frustration over it. She's just so tired. This empty, aching, nothingness is all consuming- more so than ever before. It always feels like it will never end, but it's never actually lasted so long before- like it actually won't.

Daisy continues on, because that's all she's ever done. Each mission, each day, she's a little disappointed every time her eyes next open.

She's supposed to be happy here. She was happy. Before Ward turned out to be Hydra, before she met her real parents, before Hive. She hasn't been happy in a long time. Except when she was with Hive.

Daisy never touched drugs. It was the one self-destructive path she never let herself go down, but now she wonders if she ought to. Simmons compared being under the influence of Hive to drugs, and Daisy wonders if it would make her as happy as the ancient alien had.

She manages to shake off that particular intrusive thought every time it pops into her head. The only thing keeping her going right now is her usefulness to the team. To her chosen family. Even though it sometimes feels like she's doing more harm than good.

Daisy wonders if it would have been better if she had just stayed gone. Or if she should just save the team some trouble and off herself now.

Daisy is suddenly sitting in a different bathtub, a numbness choking off her emotions and her ability to breathe, and she's not Daisy anymore. She's not anyone (because she'll never call herself Mary like the nuns do). She fumbles with the pill bottle in her hand- the one she stole from Mrs. Johnson's cabinet. She'd feel bad- if she could feel anything. She liked Mrs. Johnson. She's nice, she always gives her food, and a bed, and she never hits her. She just can't shake this numbness, this thought, that told her to take the bottle.

A hand clamps down over hers, halting her movements.

"What do you think you're doing, Mary?"

"That's not my name," not-Mary bursts into tears from having been caught.

"Oh, my little star," Mrs. Johnson sighs and pulls her into her lap.

Daisy blinks, vision fading in and out with two different bathtubs fighting for focus. She's not entirely sure where she is or what is real. But she remembers Mrs. Johnson.

She loved Mrs. Johnson. Mrs. Johnson was the one who eventually gave her the name Skye. Mrs. Johnson died in a car crash, and Skye went back to the orphanage.

Daisy wonders if the memory is real, or something her young mind invented to cope- or if she blocked it out for that same reason (like all the other memories she's forgotten until she hasn't).

Daisy climbs out of the empty tub. Enough fantasizing. She has training to get back to.


A/N: My first Agents of Shield fanfic! It's just that AoS has been floating around in my head for a while now, and this is what came of it.

So, this is supposed to be a one-shot, but what do you guys think? Leave it, or should I make another chapter or two? Even if you don't have an opinion, please let me know what you think of it.

~Silver~