Chapter 5 – A Place Where You Don't Belong

Touji Suzuhara sat in class staring out the window as the rain poured down, listening to it's steady rhythm pattering at the panes of glass. He couldn't get his mind off what had happened with the new kid and the battle in the city that he'd been caught up in. The guilt he felt over his part in it was eating him up.

When NERV staff had recovered the Eva, as he'd learned the robot was called, both he and Kensuke had been ran through the ringer. They'd been interrogated by multiple different officers as to why they'd been outside a shelter, been fingerprinted and photographed for surveillance purposes in case they revealed anything regarding the Eva's cockpit, and Kensuke's camera had been wiped clean to top it off. Touji understood all that, it was simple procedure and they had violated the shelter orders so that didn't bother him. What did bother him was that Shinji Ikari, the pilot, had not returned to school.

After seeing him fight he felt really guilty about hitting him. He'd seen firsthand how grueling and terrifying combat really was. It was nothing like the movies or the old Mobile Suit Gundam animes he'd watched as a kid. Real war was brutal and cruel. There was no lofty soundtrack that followed the hero into battle or triumphant score sounding at the moment of victory. It was just... terror, pure terror on every level.

"What's on your mind?" he heard Kensuke ask from behind his laptop where he was busy typing away.

Touji sighed. "It's been three days..." he murmured softly.

"Since we got chewed out?" Kensuke asked.

Touji snorted softly. "No, since he stopped coming to school," he grumbled.

"Who's he?" came Kensuke's reply. It was like he wasn't even paying attention.

Touji turned around in his seat. "You know who I'm talking about," he huffed. "Who else? The new kid! Don't you wonder what he's been up to?"

Kensuke stopped typing on his computer and looked up at him. "Are you worried about him?" he inquired.

Touji looked away. Dammit... his best friend always saw through his gruff facade... "No, I'm not exactly worried..." he muttered.

Kensuke sighed and went back to typing away. "Touji-kun, for someone so blunt and forward, you're pretty stubborn. If you'd have apologized to him you wouldn't be so wrapped up thinking about it for three days," he said, lifting up a slip of paper and handing it to him. "Here' this is the new kid's phone number. If you're so worried about him, why don't you call him?"

Touji scowled but he still reached out and took the slip. "Thanks," he murmured. "I guess I will."

When lunch hour arrived, Touji left the classroom and headed for the nearest telephone. Thankfully the school had a whole bunch of payphones. The closest one was at the bottom the stairwell nearest his classroom so thankfully he wouldn't miss much of lunch, not that with how he was feeling he had much of an appetite.

He paused for a moment before grabbing the receiver. What was he going to say? He'd really acted like a top tier asshole, would Ikari even forgive him? The dude had to deal with fighting a war in all its ugly reality and the thanks he got was a punch in the mouth... Touji couldn't help but feel like if he were in his position that he wouldn't forgive that transgression easily... He sighed. What was the point in agonizing over it? Better to just make a crack at it and hope for the best.

He put the phone to his ear and dialed the number on the sheet of paper Kensuke gave him. One ring, then two, then three, four... five... no answer, just a message saying that the wireless customer he had reached had a voice mailbox that had not been set up yet.

Touji put the phone down and clenched his fists. He was so frustrated and so... ashamed of himself. He kicked the base of the phone terminal and stomped back up the stairs. "Dammit all..." he hissed at himself. Shame over one's own actions was a hard thing to live with...


It had been four days since the battle. Ikari-kun had not been back to school. She had hoped that her words would have motivated him to return to school, to stop him from running away. Rei Ayanami sat in her classroom seat, listening to the rain and watching the trees in the distance sway in the stormy winds. She wore a frown, not her usual implacable expression, as she was genuinely displeased and... worried. She was worried that Ikari-kun would run away and not come back...

Despite her efforts to encourage him, the timeline was still achingly close to how she'd remembered it going. The reality of that filled her with angst. She did not like that feeling. Angst was a new emotion to her and she understood why so many decried it, but angst was indeed the right word for how she felt. The fact that, to her knowledge, her words had no effect on him was disheartening. It made her feel powerless. She realized that she did not like feeling powerless.

It had been tempting to go to Captain Katsuragi's residence to check on him after the third day but she knew that would cause more problems than it would solve. Most likely it would raise suspicions in Commander Ikari and Dr. Agaki which ruled it out list of possible actions. Unfortunately... there wasn't much else she could do except sit and wait.

She remembered in her previous life that Ikari-kun had left the city and been discharged from NERV only to change his mind after Katsuragi had stopped him at the train station, or at least that was the story she'd heard. There was a possibility that this time he would leave and just... never come back. The idea of that was agonizing. It was a pain that she couldn't put a name to. The idea of him not being in her life was something she did not want to think about.

She felt her lips curling back in a grimace as she stared at her own reflection in the windows. Since when did her eyes betray so much of the pain she lived? The frustration at being unable to do anything was infuriating and saddening all at once. "I hoped he would return to school..." she murmured to herself.


Shinji awoke early in the morning. He'd gone back to Misato's place after the battle with the Angel despite not wanting to. He'd had fitful sleep ever since the last time he'd piloted, remembering the pain of being stabbed in the stomach had made it hard to attain any meaningful rest. All the while he couldn't help but ruminate on how much he felt like he really didn't fit with what NERV or Misato or his father wanted for him... He'd tried his best but that still wasn't enough...

It had been five days since the battle and he'd been avoiding going to school. Misato had let him begrudgingly He'd emerge from his room to grab a bite to eat but mostly he'd lay in his bed listening to his SDAT trying to block out the world for hours on end. It was better than trying to think about how to find a reason for his misery or a solution to his problems.

Eventually he couldn't take it anymore. He rose from his bed ran his hands through his hair. He looked at his clock and saw that it was four in the morning. He looked outside and noted the rain. It was almost like the universe were reflecting his mental state, gray and miserable.

He wanted out. It was all too much, piloting the Evangelion. He wanted to curl up in a hole and not do anything. Why had he heeded his father's call? The man didn't want him except for to be a tool for him to use. What a cruel joke! His entire stay in Tokyo 3 so far had been a cruel and grotesque joke! He hated it. So... he left.

He got dressed and left his room in Misato's apartment. He knew she wouldn't be awake and so she wouldn't stop him. After getting dressed he threw his other clothes in a duffle bag, placed his NERV identification card on his bed, got his shoes on and just... left. He had no idea where he was going to go so... he just walked.

Shinji drifted to the train station and hitched a ride. He sat down and popped his earphones in and blocked out the world. It was better than trying to think about his responsibilities. It was better than thinking about Misato. It was better than thinking about his father. It was better than thinking about how Suzuhara had punched him. It was better than thinking about Ayanami...

Ayanami...

She truly mystified him. The talk they'd had before they had gone to NERV when the Angel had attacked had made him feel strange. She'd told him to be careful as he was about to deploy and then she had seen him after the battle she'd come to see him for whatever reason... He knew that she saw him as a potential friend, he wasn't stupid, but he knew that he wasn't good enough to have friends. He'd never had friends, why should that change?

But she really had seemed like she'd wanted to see him at school...

He pushed that thought out of his mind or at least he tried to. It was... easier to just withdraw within instead of risking the emotional pain of betrayal and rejection. It was easier to just listen to music and block out the world. So... why did he feel even worse than before he'd stepped on the train?

Did he feel... guilty for running away?

He gritted his teeth and squeezed his SDAT player as he sat riding the train. Of course he felt guilty. He was letting everyone down by running away. Misato would be upset and his father would probably be disappointed in him. Why did he care what those people thought? He shouldn't. They didn't care about him, not really, just on the level of his usefulness to them. Except... he knew that wasn't true at least for Misato... And that line of thinking brought him right back to Ayanami...

She had reminded him that his choice to pilot had saved many. She'd shown him gratitude for his choice, and that smile... that smile of hers was so genuine and pure even with the bandages over her face... He would be a real piece of shit if he left after she said all that to him. He grimaced and clutched the SDAT tight in his hand. "Dammit..." he growled.

How could he just leave after what she'd said after the battle? See you in school... For some unknown reason he didn't want to disappoint her. She was an Eva pilot just like him. Perhaps... perhaps she could understand his pain and his angst. Perhaps they really could be friends. He knew he didn't belong in this city or in the role that he was tasked to do. If he was doomed to fulfill that role then at least having someone who understood how he felt and what he went through... it would be nice to have a friend who would get it. Even if he was sneaky and a coward and weak, he couldn't run away... as long as she was still in the state she was in.

He rose from his seat as the train came to a stop and exited the train.


Misato knocked on Shinji's door. "Shinji, wake up," she called. "How long are you going to avoid school?"

She'd been worried about the poor boy ever since the battle. He'd deserved the shouting she'd given him but... he'd not been the same since. He'd always been withdrawn since she'd known him but he was even more so after the battle. He basically had shut himself in his room ever since. Even over meals he'd just stared at the ground and barely said a word. Who wouldn't be worried about someone who curled up in their shell like that? Now it had been five days since the battle and she was starting to become really concerned.

"It's been five days now. Unit 01's already completely repaired. Are you going to leave it sitting there?" she called to no answer from behind the door. "You're the pilot! Are you really going to avoid your responsibilities forever? Shinji-kun!"

She couldn't take it any more. She slid open his door and her mouth fell open in shock. His ID was sitting on his bed but there was no trace of him. All of his belongings had disappeared with him. It was like he'd never even occupied the room. "He's run away.." she murmured to himself.

She felt guilty. She'd pushed him away. She recalled the conversation she'd had with Ritsuko the day of the battle with the Fourth Angel...

Moments after Shinji had left for school that day, Ritsuko had called her. She'd called to ask her about how Shinji had been settling in. She'd soberly informed her friend of how she'd given her newest ward a cell phone but no one had called him and how she was worried that he didn't have any friends. Ritsuko had told her about an old proverb about hedgehogs and how they hurt each other with their spines the closer they got. Ritsuko had also mentioned that Shinji was probably like those hedgehogs in the story, the closer he got to anyone the more he felt himself hurt and so he kept his distance. She couldn't help but feel guilty, pushing him out of his comfort zone... She couldn't help but feel a bit guilty about how she'd forced so much on him. A part of her couldn't help but feel it was her fault that he'd run away.

Misato couldn't help but think of how attached she'd become of the boy. It was really nice having someone around to talk to. Sure, she had Pen-Pen but he couldn't levy an opinion on anything or show meaningful appreciation for things she did. All he did was squawk at her for food and then flap excitedly when he got it... The few real conversations she'd shared with Shhinji had been pleasant, a nice break from the usual doldrums. He'd broken up her routine of just getting plastered and falling asleep thinking about her shortcomings... She liked having him around.

She glanced at Pen-Pen walking up next to her and eyeing her with a curious and concerned expression. She knew the bird had taken a liking to Shinji as well, he always gave him positive attention. The bird looked concerned as he stared up at her.

Misato tried to force a smile. "I know, Pen-Pen," she murmured. "I hope he comes home too..."


Shinji had marched through the rain for hours and eventually had come to his school's gate. He stared at the imposing white building for what seemed like hours before he forced his legs to move. Why had he come back? What was the point of going to school? What was the point of anything? He hesitated at the gate, shaking at the idea of just going back to the status quo. But... he couldn't just run away. He mustn't run away. He mustn't run away! He had to face reality despite how painful it was and God knows it was painful...

He stepped across the threshold. He was committed now. For better or for worse he was resigned to his decision, he was here after all. If he just bailed after walking all the way in the rain then what was the point? Though he still questioned his choice, his legs carried him into the building and toward his classroom.

He was afraid. He was afraid of what lay ahead for him in class. That other boy, Touji Suzuhara, probably still had it out for him. He probably wanted to punch him again for roping him into the last battle he fought. He was even more afraid of what Ayanami would say considering he'd skipped school for four days. If she rejected him after those kind words she'd spared him... he had no idea what he would do if she pushed him away like everyone else always did.

He trudged through the hallways until he finally reached his classroom. He stood outside the door, unsure if he should just barge in. He was late, he knew as much, just throwing the door open would only cause a disruption...

And still... he couldn't help himself. If he stood there until lunch it would just make whatever reprimand that his teacher would bestow on him all the worse. He slowly pulled the door open and disrupted the lecture.

Everyone in class looked over at him. Aida and Suzuhara looked visibly shocked to see him. He felt embarrassed, blood rushing to his cheeks as he stood in the doorway regarding everyone. The class representative stood up. "Ikari, you're late," she stated sternly. "Get to your seat!"

He shuffled his feet nervously, not sure how to respond. He didn't like disappointing people but he always seemed to. He came to school so Ayanami wouldn't be worried and yet he was still being scolded. Such a cruel thing, you can never please everyone... His classmates were giving him weird looks too, having noticed he was soaking wet and carrying a huge duffle bag. "Sorry," he replied reflexively. It was a bad habit to just apologize for everything but he couldn't help it.

He looked over at Ayanami's desk. She was staring at him, her uncovered eye open wide and staring right at him with a look that he could only register as surprise. He forced a grin and a nod in her direction before he sat down at his desk. The lesson continued as it had before his arrival, boring. After a while he turned around to regard her. She was back to staring out the window as she usually did but there was a trace of a smile on her lips. Shinji found himself studying that look instead of listening to the teacher. Despite her unique appearance, her aloof nature, and her closed off demeanor, there was something about that girl that was captivating. Admitting that to himself filled him with a different kind of apprehension than how he felt getting in the Eva, but one no less severe...


Touji was glad Ikari was back. Still, he looked like crap, sitting there soaked to the bone. Didn't the kid have an umbrella? Seeing him with that enormous bag was also perplexing. It was almost like he hadn't intended to go to school...

Kensuke leaned over and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey Touji, you gonna apologize?" he asked in a hushed tone.

"Of course..." he whispered back. It was just a question of when and what to say... He was never really good at apologizing to people, he had too much pride, but at least he knew that about himself. What could he say or do so that he wouldn't lose face...

Kensuke chuckled. "You be sincere. We both know he didn't deserve for you to hit him twice."

Touji smiled to himself. That was it! He turned to Kensuke. "What if I let him hit me back?" he proposed.

Kensuke blinked twice before shaking his head with a little laugh. "You idiot..." he replied. "You and your bravado..."

Touji sighed. "Well what else can I do?"

Kensuke chuckled. "You're such a drama queen, you know that?" he retorted.

Touji crossed his arms and faced forward. His friend had a point but he couldn't help but feel it was the right thing to do...


Lunch break had finally arrived and Shinji was glad for a break in the endless lecturing. He hadn't brought a lunch and he wasn't hungry but he was glad that he'd have a moment of relative quiet. Usually most of the class would leave the room and I could listen to his SDAT. A few students had voiced congratulations of his last battle after he arrived and that had only made him regret coming. He didn't deserve praise... He popped in his earphones and turned up the music. Even if he had chosen not to run away he still wanted to tune out the world.

He glanced over at Ayanami and their eyes met. She was looking at him with her uncovered eye wide and her lips slightly parted. It was like she wanted to approach him but was unsure of how she could. He honestly felt the same. What could he say to her? They weren't really friends... were they? They'd only shared a few sparse words with each other, they were acquaintances at best... No, he had been an idiot for staying. He should have just run away...

She stood up and he immediately felt nervous. Was she going to talk to him? Why did she seem so interested in him? What was so special about him? Then he felt a tap on his right shoulder.

He pulled his earphones out and snapped around in his seat. It was Suzuhara standing over him with Aida standing just behind him. He stared up with wide eyes. "Hey, Ikari, was it?" Suzuhara asked.

Shinji nodded, frowning. "Yeah," he replied. What did he want now? Hadn't he already harassed him enough?

"Can I talk to you for a second?" the taller boy asked, nodding his head in the direction of the door. Aida sighed and adjusted his glasses

Shinji was unsure of what was going to happen but he nodded in response. If he was going to get hit again then might as well get it over with...

He followed the pair out into the hall. It was quiet, they were the only ones around. Suzuhara was scowling and fidgeting and Aida was smirking. "What's this about?" Shinji asked.

Aida nudged his friend. "Touji-kun, if you're gonna do it, just do it," he said with a grin.

Touji's face hardened and he stepped forward. Shinji tensed. This was gonna hurt... Except a blow never came.

"Listen, Ikari... I'm sorry I hit you the other day," Suzuhara stated. "It's been bugging me ever since so you gotta hit me back."

Shinji blinked. This was not at all what he was expecting. He'd never been in a fight in his life and now this guy wanted him to hit him? "I- I can't do that!" he stammered.

"You gotta, man, otherwise I can't be satisfied," Suzuhara protested, his frown growing more pronounced. Shinji was never good at reading people but he could tell he was being sincere.

"He's pretty embarrassing, isn't he?" Aida commented. "But if it'll put and end to your bad blood with each other, just go ahead and slug him."

He had always thought that violence wasn't a way to solve problems... "But..." he murmured.

"Come on!" Suzuhara implored, raising his voice. "Before someone sees us out here! We both need this!"

Shinji met Suzuhara's gaze. He did have a point, a little part of him did want to hit him back... Perhaps more than a little part... "Okay," he stated and started cocking his fist back. Could... could he really hit him?

"Hey wait!" Suzuhara shouted.

Shinji flinched, stopping his fist mid swing and almost losing his balance.

Suzuhara gave him a firm look. "Don't hold back..." he hissed.

He realized he had indeed been holding back. The fact that Suzuhara had recognized that and called him out on it made me feel a bit of respect for him. He nodded sternly and reeled back. He balanced himself, pushed off with his right foot and threw the hardest right cross he could muster. The blow connected flush against Suzuhara's cheekbone. Shinji could barely believe it, he'd actually punched him! "Oh!" Aida exclaimed. "That had to hurt!"

Suzuhara wobbled on his feet for a moment as he shook off the blow. Soon he had steadied himself and he wore an awkward grin which looked a little pathetic with the darkening red mark on his cheek. "You got a pretty good hook, Ikari," he said, extending his hand. "Water under the bridge, right?"

Shinji couldn't help it, he couldn't help but fell good about how things had played out. "Sure thing, Suzuhara," he replied, shaking his hand.

Suzuhara scoffed at him. "Please, call me Touji," he replied with a grin.

"Well, I guess if we're all friends, you can call me Kensuke," Aida stated, adjusting his glasses. "Say, Ikari, you hungry?"

Shinji shuffled his feet. He was starting to get a little bit of an appetite but he'd not brought anything with him. Sure, he could buy a lunch at the school kitchen but it probably wouldn't taste very good... "I guess..." he muttered.

"Come on," Touji said, stepping past him and clapping him on the back. "We'll buy you lunch, it's the least we can do after you saved the city."

"Yeah man, you deserve it," Kensuke added.

Shinji's eyes widened in shock. Why were they being so kind to him, he didn't deserve it... Still, he did appreciate the offer. For some reason he felt a tiny grin creeping across his face as he nodded in response. "Thanks," he replied. "That's very nice of you."

With that, the three started walking.


Rei felt elated that he'd come to class. It was undeniable proof that she was having an effect on the timeline and it filled her with hope. Even so, there was still a long way to go if she was going to be successful in her aims. Averting Third Impact was not something that could be plotted overnight. She still had to contend with Commander Ikari, Dr. Akagi, her own Eva, and the Dummy Plug system but keeping Ikari-kun from running away... it was a start. She knew that he was still not in the greatest of states but the fact that he had not run from his responsibilities was a sign that she could effect positive change.

She had wanted to speak with him at the start of lunch but she'd been unable to thanks to Suzuhara and Aida. Part of her had desired to follow them when they left the room but she thought better of it, it only raise suspicion and or push Ikari-kun away... So she waited until they returned to class. When they did, the three of them looked to be in a cheery mood, except Ikari-kun. Sure, he was smiling outwardly but his eyes still betrayed his sadness and fear.

Rei waited until the end of the school day to approach him. She followed him at a distance while he walked with Aida and Suzuhara. She noted the large duffle bag he carried and frowned. It was clear that he had been planning to leave the city but something had stopped him. Was it possible that... she was the reason he'd chosen to stay?

Aida and Suzuhara parted ways. Ikari-kun stood beneath the awning outside the school's entrance while the two walked away, waving to him before dashing off in the rain. Ikari-kun stood there with his hand up waving back for a moment before he dropped it to his side. She watched as he tensed up and dipped his head as soon as the two of them were out of sight. He looked stressed...

"Ikari-kun," she called out.

He turned around slowly. "Oh..." he murmured, his eyes full of pain. "Hi there, Ayanami."

She was finding it increasingly hard to talk with him. She wanted to to speak with him but she felt nervous. Rei shuffled her feet a little. "Are you well?" she asked.

He nodded softly, half a grin finding its way to his mouth. "Yeah," he returned. "I'm well enough."

He's lying, Rei thought. Is it so hard for him to admit the truth of how he feels? She felt it best to prod rather than pry. "Did something happen again with Suzuhara?" she asked.

He shook his head. "No," he replied. "Touji-san and I are on better terms. He... apologized for hitting me, then he and Kensuke bought me lunch."

Rei nodded. "So the three of you are now friends?" she asked.

Ikari-kun downward. "I... guess you could say that," he muttered. "I don't understand why they would want that."

She tilted her head slightly, trying to follow his logic. "Are you not grateful for their friendship?" she asked.

His expression darkened. "It's not that, it's just that I..." he trailed off, not finishing his sentence.

Rei looked at the large bag he had at his side. It all started coming together. He had intended to or was still going to run away... Might as well take a chance and be blunt in addressing that. Besides... she worried about him and she... couldn't let him leave Tokyo 3. "You were going to run away but you chose to come here instead," she stated before levying the real question at the heart of the matter. "Why?"

Ikari-kun looked away from her and shifted the weight on his feet. "I... couldn't," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. "I couldn't just let you pilot it while you're still hurt."

Her eyes widened slightly. He stayed... for me? She wondered. She felt her cheeks getting a little warm... "So you came to school instead?" she asked.

He nodded. "Yeah, I came to school instead," he muttered. "I know what you're thinking, that I'm a coward... you'd be right for thinking that..."

Rei frowned and her brow knit up. Why did he always have such a low opinion of himself? She wanted so desperately to change that. "You are not a coward," she replied softly.

He looked her with fire in his eyes. "You don't know me!" he exploded. "I'm sneaky and weak and a coward... I wasn't cut out to pilot the Eva... I thought my father wanted me but no one wants me..."

Rei's frown deepened. She glared at him with a fire that matched his own. I do know you... "You are not a coward, Ikari-kun," she stated firmly. "Despite everything, you still piloted the Eva and you won. You are considerate of others and their needs. Your choice to stay is a noble one."

He looked rather shocked as he took in her words. She could see his eyes starting to fill with tears and she wanted to reach for him but she remained frozen where she stood. She feared if she tried to grasp his hand he would flee. "I don't belong here in this place," he whimpered, his face twisting into a bitter grimace. "I feel like I don't belong anywhere... dammit... why am I telling you all this? Why would you care?"

Rei winced and looked downward. It hurt to see him like this. She did care. She cared a lot... Moments passed as the rain continued pouring down around them and dripping over the sides of the awning under which they stood. Thunder could be heard in the distance. What could she say? She chose her next words carefully. "Friends... care, do they not?" she asked, lifting her gaze nervously to meet his.

Once again he looked shocked. "Are we... friends?" he asked meekly.

Rei nodded, her heart beating faster. "I would like to be..." she murmured in reply.

Ikari-kun stared at her like a deer in the headlights before finally looking down and a small, genuine smile filled his face. "I... I would like that too, Ayanami," he practically whispered.

She smiled and her cheeks felt a little hot. "Shall I accompany you to Captain Katsuragi's apartment, Ikari-kun?" she asked.

He met her expression with a perfect mirror and nodded. "I'd... I'd like that," he replied.


Misato sat in the living room in front of the floor table, fiddling with the tab of a half empty can of Yebisu. She was worried. It was getting late in the day and she had not heard anything in regards to Shinji. She'd tried to keep her mind off of him by watching TV and knocking back a few beers but she couldn't sway the feeling of guilt that she had over her part in it.

If only I hadn't been so harsh on him after the last battle, she thought to herself. Then he might not have left...

Maybe if she'd appreciated him more then he wouldn't have taken off? Maybe it wasn't her fault? Maybe he just couldn't take it any more? She knew that piloting the Eva caused him nothing but pain so... why wouldn't he leave?

She knew that from the very beginning he didn't like anything about piloting, even going to training. He simply did it because he was expected to. She knew all about having to meet expectations, it was part of growing up, and she had... never been good at it. Eventually you reach a point where you simply can't perform the role that's laid out for you and you break. It's hard to keep up a facade and just do what others tell you to do just to get along. Eventually... you have to stand up for yourself or run away and she knew that Shinji was the avoidant kind. He was bound to run away eventually, or at least, she kept telling herself that...

She looked over at Pen-pen who was sitting beside her on a cushion with a beer under his flipper. "Maybe he's better off," she said. "If all the Eva does is cause him pain than why wouldn't he be?"

The bird simply looked at her and tiled his head, emitting a soft squawk.

Misato scowled. The bird was right... no matter how she sliced it, the entire situation was ugly and there was nothing she could do about it. She could only hope that Shinji would come back...

Then there was a knock at her door and Misato Katsuragi sprang to her feet.


Shinji was positively soaked to the bone. By the time he'd made it to Misato's apartment he was shivering. Despite the weather, somehow Ayanami didn't seem effected, which truly baffled him. "Are you sure you don't want to come in until the rain stops, Ayanami?" he asked.

She shook her head. "It is fine," she replied in that soft voice of hers. "My home is not too far."

Shinji nodded. He was grateful to have had some company on the walk even if they hadn't spoken much. "Alright," he returned with a soft look. "See you in school."

Ayanami nodded. "See you in school, Ikari-kun," she replied. With that she started walking away.

He watched her go until she disappeared around a corner. He was... grateful. He was grateful that he could call her a friend. He was glad that he'd chosen to stay instead of take off for who knows where. If he could actually have friends like her and Touji and Kensuke... maybe he could be alright. He shook his head. I shouldn't get ahead of myself... he inwardly scolded. It probably wouldn't last anyway... but for now... he could at least enjoy it. He turned back to the apartment building and his stomach dropped. How was he going to face Misato now? He found the prospect intimidating to say the least.

Shinji liked Misato. She was usually kind to him even if she teased him. She was almost like an annoying big sister or a younger aunt in that way. She'd made him feel welcome let him stay to himself after the last battle even though he didn't deserve any of those things. Now that he thought about it... he considered her a friend too... That made him feel even more guilty for how he'd acted.

He could still run away, make a break for the train station and not have to face her. He could just walk away and avoid it all. No... he couldn't do that, not after what had happened at school. He couldn't just run, not after he'd told Ayanami he'd see her in school... He swallowed the lump in his throat and stepped toward the building.

In a matter of minutes he was outside Misato's door. He hesitated, his bag in hand, unsure of what do do. He thought of what he would say but couldn't think of anything good. He had no excuse for basically avoiding her for nearly a week and then running off so... he just knocked on the door and stepped back.

The door flew open and there stood his guardian looking a little less than sober. "Shinji-kun!" she exclaimed before freezing at the sight of him with a look of disbelief.

He smiled meekly and issued a small bow. "I'm- I'm home," he stammered.

Misato blinked at him, her face still concerned but the frantic worry that had been there moments ago was washing away. For a moment there was total silence but for the rain pounding on the building. "You came back..." Misato uttered.

Shinji shuffled his feet and looked away. Seeing her look at him like that made him feel all the more guilty about leaving the way he had. "I wasn't going to..." he murmured. "But... I guess I realized that I had things I wanted to stay for."

Misato looked at him, a sober frown finding its way to her lips. "Shinji-kun-" she began but Shinji cut her off.

"I'll keep piloting the Eva even though I hate it," he started rambling. "As much as I want to run away and forget all about it... that's... not right."

Misato scowled. "So why did you come back?" she asked

Shinji clutched his bag tightly to steady himself. "I... can't just leave because there's people who need me. If I leave then Ayanami would have to do it alone," he responded softly.

"You can't just think about everyone else, you know!" Misato exclaimed, her expression shifting to one of anger. The tone in her voice told him she was more upset than angry. "If you go in to piloting that way you'll just get yourself killed!"

Shinji was shaking. He wanted to bolt. He wanted to shut down and curl up in a ball but he fought against all his instincts and stood his ground. "I had a really... interesting day at school today," he said, trying not to stumble over his words. "And... I realized that I... I want to... protect the people close to me, like my classmates, Ayanami, and you."

Misato's upset look withered away like dust in the wind. Once again she looked bewildered. "You... went to school today?" she inquired, her tone one of complete confusion.

Shinji nodded. "Yeah," he replied. "I did."

Misato's look shifted to a grin. She lifted her fist to her mouth and closed her eyes, a girlish giggle escaping her lips. "With that duffle bag filled with all your stuff?" she returned. "Oh my! You must have gotten some interesting looks."

Shinji, despite being the serious and grim person that he was, could see a bit of the humor in it. He allowed himself an awkward laugh at his own expense. "Yeah, I certainly did," he said with an inkling of a grin.

Misato's expression changed once more. Finally the concern was gone and so was the anger. Now she had a warm look. It was a strange feeling, Shinji pondered over, the feeling that people could actually accept him. After his talk with Ayanami and now standing here with Misato a crazy thought entered his mind...

Maybe, just maybe... this city was where he belonged.

"So you want to stay here?" Misato asked.

Shinji nodded. "I do," he replied. "If... If you'll let me."

Misato smile grew. "Welcome home."


By the time Rei made it home the rain was finally starting to effect her. She unlocked her door and immediately headed for her bathroom. Despite her unique biology she still was effected by things like the common cold although she had a much higher resistance to such things than most. She changed out of her wet clothes and dried herself off. The whole time she couldn't help but grin. She was... happy. She was happy that she was friends with Ikari-kun once more. Things were changing and if they continued to then she might just be able to pull off the aversion of Third Impact. She knew that soon she'd have to figure out a solid plan to deal with Commander Ikari and Dr. Akagi but for the moment she allowed herself to enjoy the feeling of happiness that filled her heart.

She laid down on her bed after changing into another school uniform and her bandages. Her wounds still hurt so doing so was not a pleasant task. It was the only clothing she had but this had never bothered her. Clothing was clothing and she had never cared about her appearance to others but now... she couldn't help but wonder. She thought back on all the different outfits that Soryu would wear and wondered... how would she look in them? She pushed the thought from her mind. It was not important. What was important was figuring out how to sway the commander away from his scenario.

Her cell phone rang and she knew it could be only one of an extremely short list of people. Speaking of that short list, she had failed to give Ikari-kun her number. This was something she would remedy as soon as she saw him in school again. "Hello," she answered.

"Hi Rei, how are you feeling?" came the voice of Dr. Akagi. "Are you doing alright?"

"I am fine," Rei replied reflexively. The doctor still very much unsettled her but she knew that she'd have to get her on her side if she wanted to outlive the Angel War. "Am I needed for tests?"

"Yes," Dr. Akagi stated, her tone almost cheerful. "Just some body scans to see how you're healing. It won't take long. I have you scheduled at half past noon."

"I see," Rei returned. "I'll see you then."

"Bye then," the doctor bade her farewell.

"Goodbye," Rei said before hanging up the phone.

She flopped back on her bed and stared up at the ceiling. She disliked tests. She had always disliked them, but now, perhaps because she had a better grasp of her place in the world as an individual with thoughts and feelings, she felt more and more like a science experiment. In a way... that was kind of what she was. The thought was unpleasant. The feeling was even more unpleasant.

She laid in bed and thought of what she could say to Dr. Akagi after the tests that could help to forward her goals. Rei knew that she had to start making moves soon or by the time the dummy plug tests were underway it could end in her being replaced. No... should she not sway the doctor's loyalty away from Commander Ikari by that time and it were discovered that she had memories she shouldn't have it would certainly lead her to being replaced. How though? How would she drive a wedge between the pair? She had a few... rough ideas but they were all a risk.

Rei Ayanami stared up at her ceiling late into the night. Sleep was becoming increasingly difficult as her anxieties grew. She remembered how she felt when Ikari-kun had been absorbed into the Eva and it was quite similar.


Ritsuko sat at her desk in her office, a lit cigarette protruding from her lips. She took a sip from a piping hot cup of coffee and placed it next to her keyboard. Misato stood across from her leaning against the wall. She was going over the data from Rei's x-rays and image scans. The test was in progress and she was analyzing the data in real time. Such was the advancement of technology that allowed her to that. It certainly made her life easier... While this was happening, her friend was telling her about how Shinji was settling back in after the last battle. Apparently the poor boy had been having a rough time of it right up until a day or so ago. From what Misato had said, he had been planning to run away but had changed his mind at the last minute.

"So yeah," Misato finished her story. "He chose to stay and he's been a bit more cheerful ever since. Not sure what's changed but I'm glad. He was a wreck for a while after the battle."

Ritsuko smiled. "That's good to hear," she replied. "We were all worried for him. It would be a shame to lose a pilot at this time."

Misato looked at her with an annoyed expression. "Is that all you're worried about?" Misato asked pointedly. "His willingness to pilot the Eva?"

Ristuko took a drag off her smoke and glanced at Misato out of the corner of her eye. "I never said I didn't care about his well being, but that is the most important thing," she replied. "Don't you agree?"

Misato sighed and looked away. "I guess," she returned lamely. "If the Angels aren't defeated then I guess nothing else will matter. It's just... he's a good kid and I know he really doesn't like piloting. Maybe he'd be better off not doing so."

Ritsuko snubbed her cigarette. "You care a lot about the boy, don't you?" she levied as more of a statement than an inquiry. "You do know that we're fighting a war and what's best for them doesn't matter until the war is over, right?"

"I know," Misato replied weakly. "It's still just so hard on them..."

Ristuko nodded, a frown settling on her lips. Misato was right. Why was she being so callus and cold? The commander really was starting to rub off on her... "Indeed it is..." she murmured.

Misato ran her hand through her hair and sighed. "If only there was another way than having to use fourteen year old children..." she muttered.

Oh there will be... Ritsuko thought to herself. Plans for the dummy system were already underway. It would only be a matter of time until it was viable, at least as a backup system, but she couldn't tell her friend, at least not yet. "It's just how things are though," she replied flatly.

Misato sighed and moved toward the door. "Look, I gotta get going. Fuyutsuki probably needs me for something," she said.

Ristuko nodded. "Alright," she replied. "On your way out could you send Rei in?"

Misato nodded. "I will," she returned. "Take it easy, Ritsuko."

Ritsuko nodded once more. "You as well," she said. Misato left after that.

She sighed as she eyed the smoldering remains of the butt she'd placed in her ashtray as she took another sip from her coffee. What a complex web of deceptions and lies she'd gotten herself into... There were so many things about the Evas, about the Angels, about herself and her involvement in those things that she could never tell her friend. If she did, it would only cause her problems and more likely than not end up getting both of them killed. As tender as her feelings were for Commander Ikari, she knew that neither he or SEELE would like their secrets getting out...

The door to her office squeaked open to reveal Rei Ayanami. "You asked to see me, Dr. Akagi?" she asked.

Ritsuko nodded. "Yes. Sit down, on the chair over there," she said, pointing to an office chair that was near the wall Misato had been leaning against.

Rei did as she was instructed and placed her hands in her lap, looking at her with the stoic look that she'd come to expect from her. For as long as Ritsuko had known Rei she was at the very least obedient and agreeable. "So," she spoke. "You're recovery seems to be going well. You'll be able to be free of the cast on your arm and the rest of your bandages in another two days."

Rei nodded. "Understood," she replied.

Ritsuko, despite having jealousy of the girl, did feel a bit concerned about her well being, at least enough to try and make conversation with her from time to time. "How are things?" she asked. "How has school been?" she asked.

She knew that school wasn't important for her, only Gendo's designs were, whatever it was that he had planned. She was certainly smart enough to know that with Rei's origins and how secretive he was that the man had a hidden agenda that even she wasn't privy to... Still till, it was something to talk about. Rei never made it easy to have a conversation with her... Perhaps if she could get the poor girl to get out of her shell then she could convince Gendo to... no, it was a stupid idea. Despite how she felt about him he would never change. He would always be in love only with Yui Ikari... All she could do was continue to treat Rei with a minimum of kindness in hopes to stay in his graces...

But then Rei fidgeted with her skirt and looked down at her hands. It wasn't much but she had never seen the girl do something like that before, though she had to admit that her behavior post activation accident had been... different. "It had been acceptable," Rei replied softly.

What was she hiding? Rei looked nervous and she never looked nervous. Ritsuko smiled. "Is there something on your mind?" she asked.

"I..." Rei spoke softly, her tone sounding unsure and quieter than normal. "I've been talking to Ikari-kun... We've become... friends."

Ritsuko was shocked. Rei had made a friend? For as long as she'd known her she'd never had any friends. Now she was friends with Shinji? To say that she was surprised was an understatement. This was an unprecedented development... "Oh?" she replied, hoping that Rei would elaborate. "You've made friends with Shinji?"

Rei nodded, clutching at her skirt. "Yes, Dr. Akagi," she replied.

Ritsuko couldn't help but smile. Despite Rei's origins and upbringing she was still a teenage girl. It was good for her to make friends. "That's very nice," she said. "Good for you. How did you start talking?"

Rei looked nervous. "I... spoke with him before the Fourth Angel while relaying the alert," she relayed just above a whisper. "Then we spoke again at school."

Ritsuko took her words. Slowly but surely her opinion of the quiet girl was shifting. Maybe if she could get her to open up there was an opportunity in it for her. Maybe if she got her to open up just a little bit... maybe she could glean some information to get closer to Gendo. There was also the added benefit that if Rei was friends with Shinji then he might be less likely to quit piloting. Misato's story of how Shinji had left with all his things yesterday only to return in the late afternoon had been perplexing until now. Until she'd told her that he'd changed his mind about running away she'd been a bit worried that NERV would be back to one active pilot and then she'd been curious as to why he'd suddenly decided to stay. Now... it seemed she knew why he changed his mind.

"I'm happy for you, Rei," she replied with a small chuckle before taking another sip from her cup. "I'm glad you made a friend."


Rei stood behind Dr. Akagi and Commander Ikari on one of the moving catwalks that snaked through NERV. She was idly listening to the conversation between the pair whilst reviewing what she had revealed to Dr. Akagi the previous day.

It had been a gamble to tell her about her renewed friendship with Ikari-kun but the doctor had seemingly taken it well. It was essential that she viewed her as a person and not just Commander Ikari's tool so that if and when the time came where her situation were revealed that she would not have her eliminated. That wasn't why her revelation of the previous day was a risk however as by any logic it would certainly raise the doctor's opinion of her. Telling her about her friendship with Ikari-kun was a gamble because of how the commander would react to it. She stood behind the pair on the moving catwalk with a growing nervousness, hoping that their conversation would not steer to her and Ikari-kun...

"So it looks as if the Third Child is finally getting used to being here," Dr. Akagi stated.

"Good," Commander Ikari replied in that firm and level tone of his. "The reactivation of Unit 00 will take place soon enough and we'll be at full operational capacity. Regardless of Unit 00's activation results we'll continue development with Unit 01, it is all that matters."

"I say we should count ourselves lucky," Dr. Akagi mused. "From what Captain Katsuragi said, he was contemplating leaving."

Commander Ikari nodded. "Indeed," he returned. "The Marduk Organization has not yet found the Fourth Child. Not having a spare would have been an inconvenience but not one insurmountable."

"Thankfully it's not an issue for now," Dr. Akagi spoke. "It seems that Rei might have prevented him from leaving."

Commander Ikari stiffened and turned his head toward the doctor. "Elaborate," he ordered, his voice still calm and controlled. Rei felt her heart rate increasing with every second. How would the commander react?

"It seems the two have become friends, sir," the doctor replied.

Rei watched the commander turn just enough to look at her over his shoulder. Their eyes met for just a brief moment before he turned away. From what Rei could gather, his expression would be best described as troubled... "I see," he whispered before raising his voice to it's normal timbre. "Rei?"

Rei tensed. "Yes sir," she spoke on instinct.

"How did this development occur?" he asked.

No point in hiding anything now. If she were to lie then he would find out and her odds of being replaced would be worse than if she told the truth. Honesty is the best policy as they say... "I spoke with him after you informed me of the Angel alert," she replied flatly, her monotone response hiding the nervousness she felt. Though she was no longer his puppet she could very easily pretend to be...

Commander Ikari glanced at her over his shoulder once more. "Why?" he asked.

"I wished to express gratitude for his efforts against the Third Angel and for piloting in my stead," Rei replied, her voice this time barely concealing her growing apprehension.

The commander faced forward. "I see..." he murmured softly before once again speaking with a voice full of authority. "So you have become friends with my son?"

His son... normally he spoke of him as the pilot of Unit 01 or the Third Child. This was interesting. He never referred to Ikari-kun so... affectionately. "Yes sir," she replied.

There was a pause as the commander dipped his head ever so slightly. After a moment he put his hands behind his back and clasped them, raising his head high. "So long as it does not effect your performance I will allow it. Do not let it hinder your purpose. Any information you may glean that hints of the Third Child's performance slipping, be sure to report it to me immediately. Do I make myself clear?" he spoke, his voice firm and resolute. He was back to being the formidable Commander Ikari she knew.

Rei felt relief. She felt relief wash over her at the knowledge that this development was within the commander's realm of acceptable deviation in his plans. Almost immediately, the gears started turning. I can use this... she thought. But how? That remained a mystery. However, one there was one very small ember of hope burning in the commander's words that opened doors to many possibilities. He might not have said much but Rei had become good at reading people. It might have been a slip of the tongue, but the way he referred to Ikari-kun spoke volumes.

At least on some level, Commander Ikari cares about his son...

"Yes sir," she replied.


Gendo sat in his office, his hands clasped in his trademark pose in front of his face with his elbows on his desk. Fuyutsuki sat across from him as they played a game of Shogi. Troubled thoughts filled his mind though he was expert in concealing them. "I understand that Ayanami has become friends with your son," Fuyutsuki spoke.

Gendo's scowl deepened. It was certainly an interesting development, one that though he had previously acknowledged as a possibility had come as a surprise. The conditioning he had imparted on Rei and the nature of his son should have prevented it. "You are correct," he replied flatly.

"Perhaps it will be good for them," Fuyutsuki returned, moving a piece on the board. "Soldiers bond with each other on the battlefield after all."

Indeed this was true but Gendo couldn't help but feel conflicted. Despite his commitment to his scenario deep down he cared about the both of them and was... happy for them. He detested that he felt as such. Such feelings were pure sentimentality and needed to be purged. It seemed that no matter how much he tried to limit his ties to others for his grand scheme he could not do so fully. The thought deeply troubled him.

"Indeed..." he muttered dryly as he countered Fuyutsuki's move, breaking from his usual intimidating posture for just a moment.

Though these things could become a hindrance they also had their benefits. Perhaps Fuyutsuki was right about the bonds of soldiers. If his son felt loyalty to Rei then he would only become a more reliable asset to him as Rei was loyal to him. Should Rei become disloyal then he could replace her with another clone who's memories would be... lessened. If that caused his son a problem then he could simply rework Unit 01's systems for Rei, hopefully... However, that just raised another, truly unthinkable question, one that he had not pondered until now...

Should it come to that, and he need to replace the First Child... could he bring himself to do it? It was a question that he had always assumed he knew the answer to. Now doubt filled his mind and Gendo did not like uncertainties.

Fuyutsuki made another move. "It appears I win this game," he stated.

Gendo looked at the board and his frown deepened all the more. "It seems you have," he replied.


Author's Notes

Well the more things change the more they stay the same, am I right? Touji still had Shinji hit him, Misato and Shinji still shared a tender moment, and Rei still had to go for her tests. This chapter was particularly fun to write as it marks the first true and significant deviation from the canon story: Shinji doesn't run away. Expect things to continue at a slow burn though.

Rei's scene with Shinji was particularly fun to write. I tried my best to write a realistic scene that fit with her and Shinji's respective characters. Neither are the most outgoing individuals after all. It does open doors for their friendship and camaraderie that I intend to explore in further chapters. The other scene that stood out in the writing process was the ending. I very much enjoy writing Gendo, perhaps too much so, so I had to give him a scene where he shines as the manipulative but broken bastard that he is. I'm looking forward to doing more with him in future chapters.

As always, read and review, and thank you all so much for your reactions so far! Good heavens I did not expect them to be so positive. The things you beautiful folks have said... I'm honored. Your kind words have motivated me to crack at this every day and I've been making huge progress. If I'm lucky and my momentum holds, I may well have this whole thing done by early next year. My writing method is to have a finished chapter in editing and be in the process of writing another at the time of posting an update, so if you see any update it certain that there is more to come! Well... at least until the story is over, but I digress...

Regards,

A.F.