The Girl Who Shouted I At The Heart Of The World

by A.F. Oliver

Few get a second chance at living, let alone two or three. Rei Ayanami never knew what to do with the lives she had until it was too late. Getting another chance at living could mean a world of difference. After all, life is an ever changing thing and even the smallest of changes can reverberate across the world.

36. The Passage Of Emptiness Part I

Chapter 36 – The Passage Of Emptiness Part I

Thin beams of light cast long shadows on the four familiar walls of her apartment in the early morning through the nearly closed curtains that covered her window. Rei breathed a heavy sigh as she looked around her barren apartment. She was awake now, back in the harsh reality of the present, wrenched from a pleasant dream. There had been a time when she'd had no concept of what a dream was before she'd been reborn in this reality but over the last few months she'd slowly gotten a grasp of the concept and experienced dreams. This dream she awoke from she would have been happy if she never had... Even as she came back to reality she could hear the voices of the people in the dream, smell the surroundings of it, feel the feelings she'd experienced in it...

She'd dreamed of a normal day at school. Such a simple thing to dream of but it felt so real. The end of the dream was the best part, when she was walking home with Shinji. Asuka wasn't with them and they were conversing together, her hand clasped in his. She couldn't remember what was said in the dream or how long the walk lasted but she remembered the feeling, how warm she'd felt when he'd held her hand. She stared down at her hand now that she was awake, perhaps to recapture a bit of that sensation, whatever it was or whatever it meant. Now that she was awake that warm sensation was fading, replaced with something cold and hollow as she returned to reality. Remembering that Shinji was gone, lost in the core of Unit 01 for a second time... it filled her with such an intense sensation of loss and hopelessness. Despite her best efforts things had gone nearly exactly as they had before and the uncertainty of Shinji's return was the same as well...

She closed her eyes, balled her fists, and drew a deep breath through her nose, trying to force that anxiety out of her mind as hard as that was to do. Fear and anxiety would get her nowhere and she needed to focus on just surviving another day. She would try her best to do that for however long it would be until the salvage operation was ready this time. Then, once that was underway, then she could afford to worry.

Today she had to return to school. Just thinking about it made her feel uncomfortable. If Aida and Horaki were to ask why Shinji wasn't in class she didn't know how she would answer that. It would be easier if she hadn't allowed them to get closer to her. It would be easier if she hadn't allowed herself to become more open with people... She hated that she was feeling that way but that was how she felt, she wouldn't deny it. Part of her wanted to just stay at her apartment and curl into a ball in bed and try to avoid everything but she knew that wouldn't change anything. So... slowly she rose from her bed and began her morning routines. Everything was a blur. She was simply going through the motions, unable to think about anything except that hollow feeling inside.

Eventually she left her house after getting dressed, feeling numb, feeling adrift. She didn't pay attention to where her feet were carrying her. Her mind was too clouded with worry and sadness to think about exactly where to go. Soon enough, she found herself standing just outside of Misato's apartment, her finger hovering over the doorbell.

Perhaps it had been habit that brought her to this place and perhaps it had been the vain hope that what she'd experienced over the past few days was a nightmare she'd soon awake from. It would be nice if Shinji were there, just behind that door, and what she'd seen for a second time was just a bad dream. Rei knew it wasn't true, that was impossible, but still she wished it so. At least she'd have Asuka to talk to. She hadn't spoken with her since the day they'd all visited Suzuhara in the hospital and considering how the battle had gone she knew that Asuka would probably be taking it poorly. Both of them had lost something important to them the other day. For Asuka that thing was her pride. For herself it was more than her closest friend, losing him had shattered the illusion of control, that she'd been blinded by.

She shut her eyes and shook her head. She couldn't think that way. She hadn't completely lost control of things. Third Impact wasn't certain yet. Shinji wasn't trapped in the Eva forever yet... She took a deep breath and let it out. For now all she could do was face Asuka and see how she was. Something told her though that things wouldn't be easy. Then again... how could they be easy after everything that had happened? All the while she'd been focused on Shinji being gone again she'd scarcely given her other closest friend any concern. For that she felt a huge wave of guilt. If only she was a better person... Slowly, with a shaking hand, Rei pressed the button, stood back, and waited...

She didn't have to wait long until the door snapped open with a mechanical whir. There stood Asuka in the doorway, wearing a scowl and looking as if she'd had trouble sleeping. "Oh, hey Wonder-girl..." she greeted lamely. "What are you doing here?"

The redhead sounded just a little bit hostile, dismissive even. She didn't want their friendship to become strained... "We usually walk together..." Rei replied after a moment.

Asuka sighed and looked away, her scowl shifting from angry to bitter. "Yeah... we usually do," she muttered softly. "Except Shinji's usually with us... you know what happened right?"

Rei closed her eyes and bowed her head as the image that had been burned into her mind of Unit-01's rampage flashed in her mind... "I do..." she murmured softly, opening her eyes and staring back at her friend. "I know..."

"Yeah..." Asuka grumbled folding her arms and leaning against the door frame. "That idiot came back after making such a show of leaving and saved the day once again. I guess this is what he gets for actually growing some balls..."

Rei frowned angrily, her eyes stinging. She knew that Asuka and Shinji had their differences but hearing her talk about him like that upset her. He was gone, perhaps for good considering the circumstances... how could she be speaking of him like that? "Do not speak ill of him..." she replied firmly.

Asuka rolled her eyes and blew at her bangs, her bitter scowl returning. "Whatever..." she grumbled in response. "It just pisses me off. He wouldn't have even needed to come back if I'd just been able to beat the stupid Angel..."

Rei's harsh expression softened. She understood now, it was Asuka's insecurities regarding the Eva that were making her aggressive toward Shinji. "The Angel was a formidable foe," she replied softly, the words slipping out before she could stop herself or think of something better. Speaking them made her feel heavy, as if reality itself intensified with the act of speaking on the futility of their actions. "There is no shame in the valiant efforts we made... It simply wasn't enough..."

Asuka grit her teeth and shook her head. Rei could sense that her words did not have the soothing effect she intended. Her friend if anything looked more upset now... "Whatever you say," the redhead huffed. "Let's talk about something else, okay? Like, how are you doing after... everything?"

All the sadness she'd felt the previous two days flared within her. Even though she'd expected Asuka to ask about how she was faring it wasn't something she was really comfortable answering. Thinking about how she felt just made her feel worse. "N- not well..." she stammered, looking down at the ground, fighting back the urge to just... let it all pour out.

The redhead nodded in response, a sober expression washing over her. "I get it..." she replied softly.

Misato appeared in the doorway behind Asuka, dressed in her NERV uniform. She looked tired, defeated even. "Hey you two, you should probably get going," she said. "Otherwise you'll be late for school."

Rei watched as Asuka sighed and stepped past her. "We know, Misato, don't worry about us," she replied with a dismissive wave over her shoulder. "We're leaving, right, Rei?"

Rei was in no mood to protest her friend's rudeness. "We are..." she replied, giving Misato a polite bow before falling in beside Asuka. "Take care, Misato-san..."

An unpleasant silence hung between herself and Asuka the entire way to school. Neither of them said anything. It felt like there was nothing that could be said without the conversation taking some unpleasant turn that neither of them wanted to confront. Rei found herself retreating more and more into her own thoughts with every step she took...

It was plain as day that there now existed a divide between herself and Asuka. Part of her had noticed that gulf beginning to widen before this moment but it was painfully obvious now. It hurt to think that with her closest friend gone that now another person she was close to and cared about was pulling away. It hurt. It hurt to think that possibly she was at fault or that perhaps if she hadn't been so negligent in the battle against Unit 03 that even this wouldn't be happening. On top of all this was the capstone of guilt that weighed upon her, that being the fact that even with Asuka right next to her and obviously hurting that all she could focus on was Shinji and how much she missed him already. She thought back to that dream she'd awoken from and the sadness she felt because it was just a dream threatened to overwhelm her...

And the worst part about it was that she knew deep down it was all her fault because she hadn't been able to change the course of anything...

---

Asuka stood at the entrance to the classroom with Rei still at her side. She couldn't help but notice how few students were attending today. Over the last few weeks the number of kids in class had been dwindling. This was probably because the city was getting more and more wrecked with every passing Angel battle. It was understandable if people were being transferred to other cities, who the heck would want to live in a place that was constantly under threat? Just standing there at the door she could hear the whispers about how the last battle had nearly destroyed the city and how the one before that had caused Touji to be hospitalized. Hearing that pissed her off but all she could do was sit there in silence. It was tangible evidence that she wasn't good enough, that she'd failed in battle... "I don't want to be here..." she muttered softly.

"I understand..." Rei replied softly, her voice coming out as a pained whisper.

She glanced over at her friend, who was staring into the classroom in the direction of Shinji's empty seat. The blue haired girl was biting the inside of her lip and her hands were trembling at her side. As sad and pathetic a display as it was, Asuka couldn't help but feel a pang of sympathy. She nudged her friend with her elbow lightly. "Come on..." she said softly. "Let's just get it over with like a normal day."

Rei closed her eyes, her lip quivering for a moment before she responded. "It's... hard... having to pretend that things are normal..." she murmured softly.

"Hey Asuka," a girl's voice sounded beside her. "Hey Rei."

Asuka turned her head to see Hikari and Kensuke coming up behind them. "Hey guys, what's up?" she responded lamely. She didn't want to talk to them right now. She didn't want to talk to anyone right now... Rei had the right idea, simply remaining silent.

An awkward pause hung in the air before Hikari spoke, a nervous frown on her lips. "So... how did it go the other day?" she asked. "With the battle?"

Asuka scoffed. That was a simple question that had very complicated answers. Her best hope to avoid talking about it was to simply be dismissive of it. "Well we're all alive," she returned sardonically. "So well enough, right?"

"I don't think she means it like that," the four eyed nerd responded.

Asuka shot him a death glare. Did that moron really think she was that stupid? "I know that, you idiot," she snapped.

Kensuke put up his hands and visibly recoiled. "Hey, easy..." he returned meekly.

Hikari's frown deepened. "Neither of you two have been in school since before the last Angel showed up," she stated. "After seeing the damage to downtown we were worried you guys were hurt."

"Not to mention we've heard rumors that the Evas took serious damage," Kensuke added.

Asuka sighed. There was really going to be no way to get out of this stupid conversation... "Yeah, we took a beating," she replied, scowling as she relived the moment of her defeat. "I nearly got killed in Unit 02 and Rei didn't fare much better in Unit 00. We spent the last two days in the hospital getting evaluated for nerve damage and the like. Hell, the only reason we won is because Unit 01 went berserk again..."

"Wait, did you just say Unit 01?" Kensuke asked. "I thought Shinji left the city..."

Great... she'd let the cat out of the bag. They probably had no idea that Shinji had changed his mind like the indecisive jerk he was... Asuka noticed Rei flinching visibly out of the corner of her eye. She turned to her friend who was now crossing her arms and fidgeting with her sleeve. "Do you want to take this one?" she asked. Rei would be able to explain exactly what happened better than she could anyway...

Rei nodded softly and closed her eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath. "Shinji changed his mind..." she replied shakily. "He arrived at headquarters just in time to pilot Unit 01..."

Kensuke's face took on a relieved expression. "Well it's good he came around. It kinda made me upset when I heard he was leaving," he replied softly.

Asuka couldn't help but snort. "I think it pissed us all off," she couldn't help but comment.

"I hope he's managing to get over the guilt of what happened to Suzuhara-kun," Hikari stated softly. "I hope he realizes it wasn't his fault."

Asuka frowned. His misplaced guilt was what had made him want to leave in the first place like the emotional idiot he was. If he came back then he must have accepted it. Still, even if he was the hero of the day it still upset her that he was such an indecisive coward. Whenever he managed to get out of the Eva, if... he managed to get out of the Eva, she was definitely going to give him a piece of her mind for that. Despite that there was a part of her who was just a little thankful he'd come back. She was mad that he'd once again stolen her thunder but... it was a little bit better than being dead. "I haven't talked with him about it," she returned. "But I don't think he'd have come back if he didn't realize that."

"So where is Shinji? Is he coming back to school or is he still in the hospital?" Kensuke asked. "Is he okay?"

Asuka noticed Rei visibly stiffen at the question, tucking her chin and hiding her eyes behind her bangs. She could tell her friend was very uncomfortable already and that question had made her even more uncomfortable. It was honestly sad... "H- he..." Rei stammered, seeming unable to spit out whatever it was she wanted to say. "He's... He..."

It was just too pathetic, watching Rei stumble over her words in her fragile emotional state. Yeah, she'd lost the person she loved, but it was just too hard to listen to her struggle. The blue haired girl was lucky she considered her a friend otherwise she would have just let her spin. "He's still at headquarters being evaluated. Let's just leave it at that," Asuka interjected, unwilling and unable to explain what exactly had happened or why Shinji wasn't there with them. Hikari and Kensuke wouldn't get it anyway if she did explain...

---

Misato hadn't been able to focus on any of the paperwork that was occupying her desk. She'd drank too much at the bar the previous night and had woken up feeling like shit. Thankfully she hadn't made the mistake of going home with some stranger... but it wasn't just the hangover that had made the morning difficult. Without Shinji around, the rhythms of the morning in her apartment were just... off. Usually when she'd awake there would be coffee made and toast in the toaster, something she'd always really appreciated but with it gone she appreciated it all the more. Just like everything else in life, you never know what you really have until it's gone...

To combat the feelings of restlessness and depression that were weighing on her she'd elected to take a break in one of the many lounges around the geofront. She sat at one of the tables with a cup of coffee sitting in front of her. Even the lounge coffee reminded her that Shinji was gone, it tasted like shit compared to what he brewed in the morning even though it was saturated with cream and sugar. Shinji's was always rich and flavorful and the lounge coffee maker stuff always tasted burned no matter who made it or what time of day it was made. Everything seemed to be reminding her of how she'd failed him, as a commanding officer, as a parental figure, as a friend...

"You look tired," a voice spoke from behind her.

She turned around to see Kaji holding a can of some kind of sour soft drink in his hand. Normally she would have had some kind of snarky comment for him but in light of everything she couldn't muster it. In actuality she was kinda glad to see him. Things were still... complicated between them but he was the only person she could really talk to without putting on a mask or concealing something. "Hey, Kaji..." she replied, turning away and staring back into the murky coffee cup on the table. "I am tired. I've got a lot on my mind right now..."

Kaji stepped closer and sat down beside her. "Understandably so," he returned. Out of the corner of her eye she could see he wore a sympathetic expression with the makings of a reassuring smile.

Misato sighed and returned her gaze to the half full cup of dreadful tasting lounge coffee. It had been a while since she'd last talked with Kaji and she had to admit she missed doing so. The last time had been before the disaster with Unit 03, so not that long ago in reality, but it felt like forever ago. Kaji had been sharing little bits of what he knew of the truth when they talked and part of her wanted to ask him about that now but... more importantly she just wanted his company. It was still a bit hard to accept, but she was gradually beginning to accept the lingering feelings she had for him. No, that wasn't the right term for it, she was beginning to accept that she never had lost the feelings she'd once had for him, but she wasn't ready to genuinely act on them yet. It was still too... intimidating. "So, you know what happened to Shinji?" she asked, glancing at him again out of the corner of her eye.

He nodded. "I know enough," he replied. "I'm still not sure of the mechanics of it, but I know he's disappeared in the Eva. It must be hard on you, as his guardian."

Misato took a sip of the burnt tasting cream and sugar concoction in her hand. "Isn't that obvious?" she scoffed. She paused before she continued, her tone deathly sober. "I failed him..."

"No," Kaji replied, placing a hand on her shoulder. "You didn't. You had no way of knowing this would happen. None of us did."

Misato didn't want to hear it even though she knew deep down he was right. "Still..." she continued. "I should have been more supportive of him, otherwise he wouldn't have left only to come back and have this happen to him... I can't help but wonder why he came back in the first place."

Kaji snickered. "Actually... I may have had a hand in that," he replied softly.

Misato stiffened and turned to him with a look of surprise. "What do you mean?" she asked.

Kaji shrugged. "I talked with him, that's all," he returned flatly.

Misato was confused by this revelation. "When?" she asked, perhaps coming off a bit accusatory, but she needed answers and she needed them now. "When did you talk to him? What did you talk about?"

Kaji smiled. "I ran into him on the surface of the geofront during the battle," he replied.

Her eyes narrowed. The carefree way he said that irked her. Didn't he realize just how dangerous it was to be up there? Why was he such a reckless idiot sometimes? "What the hell were you doing up there?" she asked. "Shouldn't you have been taking shelter like everyone else?"

Kaji's smile took on a bit of a playful edge. "I had my reasons for being out and about during the battle," he replied.

Misato closed her eyes and sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. He probably just wanted to watch the battle like the reckless jerk he was... "Of course you did," she grumbled. "Whatever, just tell me about what happened with Shinji."

Kaji took a sip of his drink. "Well, regardless of whether I should have been up there or not, I happened upon him nearby where Unit 02 was put out of action," he replied. "He seemed like he had a lot on his mind so we had a little talk."

"What did you talk about?" Misato inquired, regarding him with a curious expression.

Kaji shrugged and sipped his drink again. "We talked about his choice to leave the city, the pressures of piloting the Eva, things like that," Kaji returned, a playful smirk emerging toward the end of his little tale. "He told me how he felt guilt over Unit 03 and ashamed of leaving at the same time. I told him about the giant in the basement and how if an Angel reaches it the world will end. Then we discussed the nature of pride and shame, you know, light topics like that."

Misato couldn't help but find a bit of humor in that statement and smiled. "Sounds like a pretty casual conversation," she replied.

"Indeed," Kaji replied with a grin that soon faded into a contemplative expression. He rested his chin on his knuckles and stared off into space as he continued speaking. "Eventually I explained to him that he has to live by his own choices and accept his mistakes, that they're burdens he has to shoulder, at least in essence. Around the time that Unit 00 popped up I told him that he has to fight because no one else can and we'd all do it if we had the ability to. So... I would understand if you blamed me for his disappearance. Just don't blame yourself Katsuragi-san..."

Misato returned once more to staring down into the murky cup of coffee before her. It was funny to think that he'd managed to do what she couldn't and convince him to stay. He really had a way with words when he wanted to... Hearing him express guilt, genuine or not, made her realize that it was stupid to place blame on herself or anyone for what happened to her ward. It had just been an unfortunate accident that those remaining had to live with. "You're a good man, Kaji," she murmured softly. "I don't blame you for what happened."

Kaji let out a chuckle which became a full on laugh. "I never thought you'd describe me as a good man," he replied, that playful smirk of his returning to his features. "Perhaps my charm is finally wearing you down?"

Misato couldn't help but laugh too. Even if he was a good man, he still had his faults, but she didn't mind them as much anymore... "Don't push it..." she returned, matching his playful expression with one of her own.

Kaji reached over and put his arm around her. Though she didn't show it, she relished in his warm touch. "For what it's worth, I'm here for you," he said. "If you need me."

Maybe it was how close he was. Maybe it was the way he said those words. Maybe it was the emotionally vulnerable state she was in, but something made her want to lean into him. Something made her want to kiss him right there. "I know..." she said with a widening smile as she moved her face closer to his.

Kaji's eyes began to close as he leaned closer. She could feel his breath as their noses got closer and closer. "Do you?" he asked.

Misato nodded, their noses brushing, her smile unwavering and her own eyelids growing heavy. "I do..." she murmured.

"Major Katsuragi, report to the Eva cages," sounded a voice over the intercom system. "Major Katsuragi, report to the Eva cages."

She instantly recoiled away from Kaji with a sigh, lifting her cup of coffee and sipping it. It was annoying that the page had killed the moment but she was NERV's combat director after all... duty always came first. "I gotta go..." she said as she stood from the table.

Kaji returned her sigh, that cavalier smile she used to hate so much present on his lips. "Do what you gotta do, Katsuragi," he replied. "I'm happy to wait."

Misato snickered. "You might be waiting a while," she quipped.

"I've been waiting a long time already," he countered. "What's a little more?"

Misato said nothing in response, offering only a warm smile before turning on her heel and exiting the employee lounge.

---

"I know you'll think it a pointless question, but how are you holding up?" Fuyutsuki asked as he moved a piece on the shogi board.

Gendo sat with his hands clasped in front of his face, observing his comrade's move, unwilling to show his second in command his scowl. The question had many layers to it, all of which he'd spent the last sleepless night contemplating. The unfortunate situation that his son had found himself in weighed heavy in his mind. He couldn't help but wonder if things could have been different. As he sat playing shogi with Fuyutsuki in his office he couldn't help but be reminded of how he'd managed to connect to his son doing the same thing. The way that Rei had looked so withdrawn after learning of her friend's disappearance was burned into his mind's eye. His conclusion about Yui's opinion's of his actions if she knew was eating at him something fierce... "Well enough..." he lied as he made his counter on the board.

Fuyutsuki instantly made another move. "Are you sure?" he asked, his tone graven. "Your game is off today... There must be something on your mind."

Gendo knew he couldn't hide his angst much more but that wouldn't stop him from trying. "Perhaps it is because of exhaustion," he replied as he studied the board. "It has been a busy couple of days."

"We've all been run ragged the last few days," Fuyutsuki returned. "But I think I know you well enough to assume there is more on your mind than simple fatigue."

Gendo reached out and moved a tile, glaring at the older man the entire time. "What makes you assume that?" he growled.

Fuyutsuki scratched his chin, ignoring his harsh expression and his defensive tone, his eyes remaining glued to the board. "Those words you spoke the other day when we witnessed the awakening of Unit 01," he replied. "As well as how you've been sullen since."

Gendo's lip curled behind his gloves. Even if he still stood by those words, that their victory had been bittersweet, he should never have spoken them aloud. Even if he was beginning to question himself he couldn't show it. That would be weakness, weakness that could easily capitalized on by his enemies... Though he trusted Fuyutsuki he knew he had to play this one carefully. "Perhaps I have been... reflecting on my handling of things," he returned, trying his best not to snarl.

Fuyutuski raised an eyebrow with a sly smile as he made his move. "Reflecting on your handling of things?" he inquired. "What things and what aspects?"

Gendo studied the board. If he didn't think of something clever then it would be over for him in a few more moves. Still, caution was preferable to some risky gambit. "Perhaps the measures I've taken to attain our inevitable victory were... more ruthless than necessary," he replied honestly, trying to regain his composure. It was fine if he opened his defenses if it meant luring his opponent in to be destroyed, in fact, it was often a solid tactic. Besides, these conversations were inconsequential, even more so now that they were entering the endgame.

Fuyutsuki chuckled for a moment before his face took on a serious expression. "A little late in the game to be having such reflections, don't you think?" he returned softly, sympathetically even.

"Hence why it doesn't matter," Gendo replied, making his move on the board at that moment. Even if he seriously doubted the veracity of that statement he'd made his moves and the game would be won or lost by those actions...

Fuyutsuki studied the board, his expression turning more and more serious by the minute. "Don't tell me that you're having second thoughts about things..." he muttered as he made his move.

Gendo grit his teeth. If looks could kill, the glare he sent Fuyutsuki through his sunglasses He didn't know what was more upsetting and infuriating, that the older man had read him so easily or that he actually was having second thoughts about his plans... "No," he spat decisively, initiating a counter to Fuyutsuki's advance. So long as he was apart from Yui he would bear any burden and pay any cost...

Fuyutsuki's eyebrows knit, his eyes remaining fixed on the board. "I see..." he replied as he made a move and captured a tile. The game was certainly picking up its pace now... "And yet your your affections for your son and for Rei seem to be weighing on you. Are you certain, Ikari?"

Gendo glared at the man across from him, noting the opening that the older man had left him. "That doesn't mean that my purpose has been altered," he snapped back. Indeed, that was how he felt. Even if the ends didn't justify the means he'd come too far to change course...

"At the very least it's better than letting SEELE have their way," Fuytuski replied evenly. "No matter what, their version of Human Instrumentality cannot come to pass."

Gendo made his final move, capitalizing upon the opening on the board that Fuyutsuki had left him with. "Precisely," he replied. "And with this, I've won..."

And yet the momentary thrill of his victory, both in the game of shogi just played, or his coming victory in the long game, did not seem to satisfy. The emptiness remained...

"Indeed," Fuyutuski returned with a serious expression and tone, reaching out to the board and beginning to set the pieces up for another game. "So... I've been meaning to ask you a question... The salvage operation to reconstitute your son will soon be under way. When it succeeds we will again have control over Unit 01..."

Gendo eyed the older man, studying him, trying and failing to predict where was going with his vague speech. "Yes, we shall," he replied. "What question must you ask?"

"What holds greater value for your endgame, recovering control over Unit 01 or recovering your son?" he asked.

Gendo kept his hands clasped in front of his lips. He found he did not have an easy or definitive answer for that inquiry. "Let's play again, and dispense with this conversation..." he replied darkly.

Fuyutsuki nodded. "As you wish," he returned.

---

Misato stood in the Eva cages across from Ritsuko and Lt. Ibuki in the shadow of Unit 01's bandaged face. She had her arms folded, feeling a little annoyed that she'd had to cut short her surprisingly pleasant conversation with Kaji to come to this. What could the faux blond possibly need to speak with her about? If it was about slapping her the other day she would have called her to her office or visited her in her own. "What's this about?" she asked.

"Considering what's happening..." she spoke softly, gently. "I thought that I'd let you know that we've put in place a plan to... salvage Shinji."

Misato's eyes narrowed. "What do you mean you're going to salvage Shinji?" she asked. She really didn't like the way that word sounded. Salvage... it made him sound like he was just some kind of commodity for NERV to use and exploit. Moreover, how was it even possible to recover him? He'd been absorbed into the Eva... he was gone... but she wasn't going to let her grief show. It was better to display anger whether it was justified or not.

Ritsuko stared at her with an expression that seemed pensive, as if she was struggling to find the right words to explain her statement before finally speaking. "Well..." she said. "Theoretically, no... in all probability, Shinji's life force still exists in there, inside the Eva."

Misato's lips curled in a sneer. As much as she wanted to believe that this rescue operation was about saving Shinji deep down she couldn't help but feel like the main concern was getting Unit 01 operational again. She'd come to understand that was just how things worked at NERV... "And will you be respecting that life force?" she practically spat.

Ritsuko frowned and shot her a hurt glare. "Losing Shinji is out of the question," she replied.

Misato snorted. "Really now?" she retorted. "Seems to me that all NERV wants is for Unit 01 to remain it's tool."

Ritsuko's brow knit up momentarily, her frown turning a bit somber. "I won't deny that is a factor," she replied. "But I do hold Shinji's safe return as the top priority."

Misato's sarcastic facade fractured, letting a little bit of the fear mixed with hope that was churning within her to the surface. "I see..." she replied. "Well... I guess that's good to know."

Ritsuko turned to Lt. Ibuki. "Maya, would you like to explain the situation?" she prompted.

Lt. Ibuki nodded and looked down at the clipboard in her hand. "It might sound far fetched, but our assumption is that Shinji's body lost its ego border and that he's now floating in the entry plug in quantum form," she stated.

Misato was confused by the statement but she got the gist of it. How could losing the barrier of one's sense of self cause them to literally disappear? It didn't make much sense but if it meant he was still alive she'd roll with it... "So your saying that he's shifted into a form we can't see?" she asked.

"In essence, yes," Lt. Ibuki replied. "We can assume this because the LCL in the plug has changed chemical composition to something resembling seawater in the oceans of primitive earth."

"In fact, it's almost identical to the primordial soup we've duplicated in laboratories," Ritsuko added.

This was really becoming confusing. What did ancient seawater have to do with Shinji being alive? How did LCL just change chemical composition? How was any of this possible? "Primordial soup?" Misato questioned.

"Yes," Ritsuko returned with a piercingly serious gaze. "All of the substances that constitute Shinji are still preserved in the plug. His consciousness and his... soul exists within there as well. In fact, his ego image is giving a sort of substance to the clothing he was wearing when he entered the plug."

"In other words, the salvage operation we have planned is designed to reconstruct his body and return his soul into it," Lt. Ibuki added.

Misato's nervous hope was growing with each passing word. "Is that possible?" she asked, not fully believing what she was hearing. If it was possible that Shinji could return from... wherever he was she certainly wanted to believe it was something Ritsuko could accomplish...

"With the Magi assisting in oversight, yes it is," Ritsuko replied definitively.

Misato's brow knit up as she absorbed that last sentence. It really did seem to good to be true... "This is all theoretical stuff, isn't it?" she responded. "You won't know exactly what will happen until you do it."

The faux blonde hesitated for a moment before addressing her concerns. "Not entirely," Ritsuko replied, her expression remaining quite serious. "It has been attempted once before. That's all I'm at liberty to say on the matter."

Misato's breath caught in her throat. This was an answer she had truly not expected. This sort of operation had been attempted before? How and when? For who and for what reason? She needed answers but Ritsuko had just made it clear that she was unable or unwilling to speak about it. Still... if it meant that they had a better chance of bringing Shinji back she supposed for now she could take that statement at face value. She turned her gaze to the bandaged face of Unit 01 and that enormous green eye that appeared to be watching them, unblinking... "Whatever..." she returned softly. "Just bring him back. That's all I care about..."

---

It was lunchtime at school and Rei sat alone in her desk, staring off into space, consumed in a whirlwind of thoughts. She'd neglected to bring a lunch today and as such she had nothing to eat. For the past few months Shinji had always made her a bento box to eat and so she'd almost forgotten what it was like to go hungry during lunch, the way she'd spend so many lunches before she'd known him. Thinking about that made it even more difficult to process the fact that he was gone again, that she'd been unable to prevent him from being absorbed into Unit 01 like he had before.

Looking over and seeing her fellow students talking and conversing, having a good time despite the city being continually under siege by giant monsters, reminded her of how things had been up until a few weeks ago among the small group of friends she'd managed to become a part of. She'd never thought much about it but those conversations, even if she'd mostly just listened to them, were something she missed. Now all she had was silence... piercing, deafening silence that threatened to overwhelm her, interrupted only by her inner voice reminding her of her failure and the agonizing loneliness she felt.

She'd felt alone in the past. She'd had moments since returning from the void of Human Instrumentality that she'd felt lonely, but never before had she felt that feeling in such a visceral, omnipresent manner. Dr. Akagi hadn't spoken with her since the battle, Misato was busy, Asuka was struggling with her own demons, and Shinji was... gone. It was irrational, but she felt like there was no one there for her. There was no one there that could understand how she felt, how much pain she was feeling. That emptiness she was feeling would not abate no matter how many times she told herself that Shinji would return just like before and that her plans to save the world might still bear fruit. Even if those plans did succeed then what was the point if there was no one who could understand what she'd been through? What was the point if there no one remained that she cared for, if they were in some way lost or worse abandoned her? What did any of it matter if no one could understand... her.

She closed her eyes. It was all too much. Hearing the clamoring of cheerful voices amid her inner world of suffering was too much to handle. She had to get up. She had to leave. She had to get out of the classroom before she imploded at her desk. If she did then everyone would ask questions, become confused, or ridicule her. She was the ice queen of the class after all, even now...

Rei stood up from her desk and swiftly exited the room not really caring where it was that she went. She just needed to be somewhere that wasn't the classroom, somewhere alone, where the absence of people wouldn't remind her of how lonely, afraid, and sad she was. She barely paid attention to where she was going, she just... walked. She wandered the hallways until eventually she found herself on the rooftop of the school. She shut the door behind her and stepped over to the railing, gripping the metal bars tightly in her hands once she reached it.

She closed her eyes and tried to focus on her breathing. She needed to calm down. It was foolish to let her emotions overwhelm her when there was still a chance for everything to work out even if the window to make a real change was narrowing. She listened to the sounds of the wind, the birds, and the cicadas, as her heartbeat slowed. Even so, the sadness wouldn't abate. If only Shinji was still around... his return was the only thing she'd ever wanted to happen as it did in her original timeline. At least up here on the roof she could breathe. Somehow it felt more lonely to be alone around other people than be alone by herself...

"Here, catch," a voice called from the direction of the door.

Rei turned her head to the left just in time to see something arcing through the air towards her. Instinctively she put her hands up and caught the small parcel. It was a peanut butter sandwich wrapped in plastic wrap. She again looked to her left and saw Asuka standing there by the doorway to the roof, munching on a sandwich of her own. She looked back at the sandwich in her hand and realized just how hungry she was. "Thank you..." she murmured softly.

"Well it's not as good as Shinji's cooking but it's something," Asuka grumbled, coming up and standing next to her at the railing. "I'll admit I miss the bento he'd make for us now that he's gone..."

Rei kept staring down at the plastic wrapped sandwich in her hand. That was only one of the many things about having him around that she missed. "Yes..." she murmured as she unwrapped the sandwich in her hand. "I miss that..."

Silence hung in the air between the two of them for a moment before Asuka spoke again. "So what made you leave the classroom in such a hurry, huh?" she asked.

Rei closed her eyes. It was hard to talk about exactly what it was she was feeling. She wasn't sure she could really put it into words or that even if she did that Asuka would understand. No one understood what she felt or what she was going through... "It's just... overwhelming... how different things are now..." she replied.

"Yeah..." Asuka replied bitterly. "Everything is different now..."

Rei took a bite of own lunch and stared off at the countryside. It wasn't nearly as tasty as what she'd become used to at lunch. "It is..." she murmured upon swallowing.

There was a pause before Asuka spoke again. "Hey, why do you think he even bothered to come back in the first place?" she asked.

Rei stared out into the distance. It was a question she couldn't answer. That final conversation the two of them had shared before he'd announced his intentions to leave NERV played back in her mind. She closed her eyes and tried to stay the quivering of her lips and the fluttering of her heartbeat. "I don't know..." she replied after steadying herself. "But the end result is the same, he's still gone..."

Asuka snorted. "Yeah... I guess you're right..." she returned bitterly.

Neither of them said anything more as they ate their meals. The rest of lunch was silent.

---

Kaji stood in the hallway outside of Misato's office, partly because he hoped that they could continue where they'd left off and partly because he was curious to know what she'd been summoned to the Eva cages for. There wasn't a doubt in his mind that it had something to do with Shinji Ikari's disappearance considering what he knew already. Only time would tell though, he just had to sit patiently until Misato returned...

He didn't have very long to wait. He'd probably been standing outside of her office for less than fifteen minutes until she appeared down the hallway. She looked stressed, as if something was weighing heavily on her mind. It must have been something very serious that had transpired. "Hey there, Katsuragi, why the long face?" he greeted as soon as she was close enough he didn't have to shout. "I'm still around so why so glum?"

Misato shot him a look that showed she didn't appreciate his humor. "I'm not in the mood for jokes, Kaji," she replied as she came up to stand beside him. "Not after what Ritsuko just informed me of..."

So... they were getting down to brass tacks immediately, typical of Misato, not that he minded. "Oh?" he asked. "What happened? What did she say?"

Misato's frown deepened as she opened the door to her office and stepped inside. Kaji followed her in and closed the door behind him before she spoke. It was a smart idea for them to speak in there, there were no cameras in her office and he'd checked the room for bugs many times before... "It was kinda hard to understand," she said. "Supposedly Shinji's lost his ego barrier or something which caused his body to dissolve into the LCL in the plug which is now like the prehistoric ocean."

This was very interesting. The mysteries of the Eva continued to deepen... "That does sound rather strange," Kaji commented, reaching up and scratching his chin.

"I know, right?" Misato continued, folding her arms and looking down at the floor. "And just as I'm wondering how that's even possible she tells me that they have some kind of plan that can reconstruct Shinji's body and mind. Needless to say, I was incredulous, and then Ritsuko mentions it's been tried before..."

Kaji's eyebrows rose. "Well that's certainly interesting..." he muttered. Indeed. It was all coming together. His knowledge of the full picture was gradually taking shape. That little tidbit of information certainly added evidence to his suspicions regarding Unit 01 and the reason it was so significant to Commander Ikari...

"Yeah, and she refused to elaborate," Misato continued, her scowl deepening. "I'm getting a bit tired of it, Kaji, everyone keeping secrets... always being left in the dark."

Kaji nodded, understanding that statement all too well for a plethora of different reasons. "And I'm guessing you're telling me this so to probe me for what I might know about such things, am I right?" he asked.

Misato nodded. "Honestly, yeah," she said. "You're just about the only person I know who can tell me more about what's really going on with NERV, at least... that I can trust."

Kaji couldn't help but smile. It was nice of her to say that she trusted him. He missed having her trust in him... "If that's the case, I have a confession to make..." he murmured sheepishly.

That got Misato's attention. "What's that?" she asked.

He sighed. "My security clearances have been revoked," he stated flatly.

Misato's expression became one of concern. "Why?" she asked. "Did the commander or anyone else explain why?"

Kaji shrugged. "I'm not sure why, no one said," he replied honestly. "It could have happened for a number of reasons but I'd imagine it's because Commander Ikari doesn't want me snooping around anymore."

Misato frowned and looked away from him. "You do realize that you're in more danger than ever, right?" she asked. "If NERV views you as a liability then who knows what they might do, considering how much they like to keep secrets, even from me..."

Though she didn't outright say it, Kaji knew what she was getting at. It was something that he'd already been grappling with... "I know what this might be leading towards," he replied evenly. "I've made my peace with it. All I can do is go forward as best I can."

Misato glanced back at him, her eyes narrowed and her frown deeper than it was moments before. "Yeah, well, just because you're okay with that doesn't mean that I am," she spat, her voice getting smaller toward the end of her statement. "I mean it, Kaji, don't get yourself killed... If you did then I'll never forgive you..."

Kaji stepped closer and placed a hand on her shoulder. "I'm not planning on it," he returned with a smile, adopting a playful tone to lighten the move. "But it's nice to know you're concerned, Katsuragi."

Misato looked up at him with a smile that was more sad than happy. "I am, you fool," she replied softly. "I hate to admit this but I always have been..."

Kaji leaned in closer to her. Maybe he'd manage to get that kiss he was going for before they'd been interrupted by the page... "That's good to know..." he replied huskily.

Misato moved closer to him but looked away with a scowl. "Even though you're such a jerk..." she murmured.

It was now or never if he was close the deal... "Nothing changes, does it?" he replied, leaning in closer and placing his fingers on her chin.

"Yeah..." Misato replied, turning back with a somber smile. "I guess it doesn't..."

He closed the distance and kissed her. It was a chaste kiss that was over as soon as it began, unlike the ones he'd forced on her in the elevator and unlike the one he'd used to quiet her when she was drunk after their friend's wedding. Still, it was almost euphoric. Finally, after so many years, they were finally being honest and open with one another. It was terrifying, but he would go with it, as much as he could for as long as he could... "It'll be alright, Katsuragi," he said, doing his best to be supportive. "One way or another, everything will be just fine."

Misato smiled warmly but there was something to that smile that showed she understood that there was no way that either of them could be certain or count on that statement to be true. "I hope so..." she replied.

---

The school day was finally at and end and it saw Asuka walking side by side with Rei as they exited the school building. She was annoyed, by a great many things, but currently at the forefront of her mind was Rei and how she'd been behaving all day that was generating annoyance and frustration. The sympathy she'd felt for her in the morning was still there but it was just... frustrating that nothing seemed to be lightening her mood. It was annoying that she had her own shit to deal with and yet she'd felt obligated to try and cheer her up as a friend. To top this off, as much as it pissed her off that Shinji had upstaged her in battle once again, she had to admit that she missed him too... and she hated that.

It was annoying to think that even with how much he pissed her off, both before and after the debacle with her stupid crush on him, and after he'd basically told everyone to screw off, she actually missed him. Well... at the very least she missed the lunches he would bring for her and Rei. If she was being completely honest, him being gone made her realize just how much like a family he and Misato had become...

But they weren't family and they would never really be family. She had been and always would be the odd one out in the apartment she shared with them. Misato always favored Shinji over her and Rei... even though she didn't live with them was closer to Shinji than anyone. For that she couldn't help but feel jealous, even if she was over her stupid crush. It pissed her off that no one seemed to give a shit about her problems when she was hurting just like they were, albeit for very different reasons.

As the pair reached the gates at the edge of the school grounds Rei stopped moving. Asuka kept moving for a few steps before she noticed. When she did she turned around with a frown. "What is it?" she asked.

Rei stood there with a far away look in her eyes, her lips quivering, her hands crossed over her chest as she fidgeted with the sleeves of her shirt. "It's just... it's strange... walking... home... without him..." she replied slowly, her voice barely above a whisper.

Asuka scowled. Shinji, Shinji, Shinji, all Rei seemed to care or think about was Shinji! It was so frustrating and annoying! In her heightened emotional state she couldn't stop the accusatory question from spilling out, even though she knew the answer already. "Hey, how do you really feel about him?" she asked.

Rei looked at her, her expression turned from somber to mild confusion. "What do you mean?" she asked.

Asuka's brow furrowed. What, was she dense? How could she not know what she was saying? Was she really that clueless? "What do you mean what do I mean?" she responded. "Like, you know, what do you really feel for him?"

Now it was Rei's turn for her brows to knit. "He is... he's my friend," she replied after a moment of pause, her voice coming out quite shaky. "He's... someone I trust who... understands me..."

The way she said that just pissed her off even more. Either she was just as dense or just as much of a coward when it came to her feelings as Shinji was... and that really pissed her off! "Jesus Christ, wonder-girl! Can't you just admit it!?" she snarled.

Rei flinched, looking at her with wide eyes full of shock. "A- admit what?" she stammered.

That just pissed her off even more. Before she could stop herself she exploded. "Just admit that you're in love with him, dammit!" she spat. "Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you!?"

Rei's eyes went wide and her mouth fell open in shock. "I- I care for him much, as a friend," she stuttered. "I- I- I don't know what you mean..."

Asuka got right in Rei's face. She could play stupid all she wanted but she was going to get Rei to be honest with her if it was the last thing she did. "Wow, if you're serious then you really are an idiot!" she exclaimed, starting to rant. "I've seen the way you look at him, the way you smile when he's near. You always seem happiest when he's around and when he was stuck inside that Angel you were a complete wreck, just like you are now! Just be honest with yourself! You love him and you have for a while!"

Rei kept staring at her, eyes wide, pale as a ghost before turning away and hiding her eyes behind her bangs. "I- I don't understand why you assume this..." she murmured softly, her voice small and shaky.

Asuka couldn't believe what she was hearing. Even when she'd just thrown it in her face Rei was still denying what was so blatantly obvious. She couldn't take it anymore. "Fine then, keep lying to yourself and running from how you feel!" she spat. "You're just as much of a coward as that moron is!"

Rei flinched at the accusation but said nothing in response. Her hands fell to her side and they remained balled up and her whole body seemed to be shaking. Asuka couldn't help but regret her outburst seeing her standing there with her eyes hidden and trembling yet she couldn't just take back her words, especially when she knew she was right. "Look, I'm sorry I called you out," she added, this time speaking calmly. "It's just... I know you well enough to see it, and you should really tell him how you feel when he comes back, otherwise you'll regret it."

Rei finally looked at her, now wearing a positively haunted expression. "I need to leave..." she murmured softly. "I... I need to go home..."

Asuka's brow furrowed. Why did she look so troubled? Great, now she felt guilty for further upsetting her friend. Now she had to eat her pride and apologize, otherwise she could risk losing the one friend she had who could perhaps get her struggles as a pilot... "I didn't mean to upset you," she stated. "Seriously, I didn't..."

Rei shook her head. "I'm not... angry..." she replied softly, closing her eyes. "I just... need to leave..."

Asuka frowned and looked away. It seemed she'd really screwed up... "Fine..." she replied. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Rei didn't say anything in response and simply started walking away from her. Asuka watched her go for a few moments before turning and walking in the direction of the apartment she'd called home for the last few months. It didn't feel like home anymore, if it ever had in the first place. As she walked she found herself becoming more and more upset. She hoped that she hadn't pushed Rei away by making her confront the truth. If Rei didn't want to be her friend anymore then she'd really be alone. It pissed her off to no end to think that she cared so much. She'd always been alone, before Rei, before Shinji, before Misato... what difference did it make if she ended up alone again?

She drew a deep breath and let it out. At least she still had her Eva. As long as she still had that then everything else could take a back seat...

---

The walk back to her apartment had been a blur after Asuka had exploded at her outside the school. Rei had rushed there to clear her head and process what the redhead had told her. Her friend's words were still ringing in her ears even now. They'd planted seeds in her mind or perhaps caused seeds that were already there to begin sprouting. The entire walk home she'd spent analyzing those ideas and coming to numerous realizations about the contents of her heart. Now she stood in her barren room in front of the mirror, still contemplating Asuka's words regarding her feelings surrounding Shinji and those realizations.

After the initial shock of her friend's accusation had worn off she'd spent the walk home analyzing herself to see if Asuka's words held any merit. Shinji being gone had made her feel depressed, sure, but that could very easily have been because of how close they were as friends. How did she really feel about him? What did he mean to her? These were all questions that swirled in her mind.

He was her closest friend, someone who she could trust with almost anything, save her darkest secrets. Simply being around him made her feel warm and comforted, safe and secure. His kindness towards her in her original reality had made her realize she didn't have to live without agency, that she could decide her own purpose in life. It was something she felt eternally grateful for.

She remembered how during the incident where they'd been forced to wander around the geofront wearing plastic bags for clothing how viewing him in his... entirety, had stirred such interesting feelings. She'd kept sneaking glances at... him the entire walk and she'd never had an answer as to why she'd done that. Still... she had to admit there had been moments where she'd thought back to that incident and every time she did it made her feel... funny. There had been nights she'd dreamed about him laying next to her in bed in that state, holding her close, his breath on her neck, as strange and abnormal as that was. From those dreams, she'd always awoken in a sweaty and confused state, unable or unwilling to comprehend what they meant. Most of the time she'd chocked it up to the lack of air conditioning in her apartment...

She remembered how things had changed between them since the first time they'd touched. Now every time they touched or held hands it had made her heartbeat quicken. She remembered how sad she'd been when she'd awoken in this world and realized he didn't know her. She remembered how happy she'd been when they'd become friends again. She remembered how devastated she was when he'd been pulled into the belly of that floating ball of an Angel that had swallowed part of the city. At that time that feeling like she was made of straw had returned so strong it felt like it would overwhelm her, just like it felt like it might now. She remembered the joy she'd felt when he'd returned to her safe and how she'd expressed her worries and hurt at his recklessness in the medical ward in the aftermath. She remembered how he'd told her he was leaving after she'd failed to save Suzuhara how much that had hurt.

If he never returned from the core of Unit 01, if this time he chose to stay in there she'd be destroyed. Her... heart would be broken. She'd be losing the person who'd shown her the light when things were darkest. She'd be losing her hero... She'd never get to see that smile of his again. She'd never get to hold his hand again. She'd never get to feel his warmth, his touch, his hands, his closeness... she wanted him to hold her and never let her go. She wanted him to come back to her and never leave her side again...

The realization came crashing down on Rei like a meteor from the heavens. "I love him..." she murmured to herself aloud as if to be certain of it. She was in love with Shinji Ikari and she had been for some time...

Those three words explained so very much. They explained the feelings of warmth that she felt every time that she'd held his hand. They explained why she always wanted him near. Those words put reason behind why she'd felt nervous when Asuka was close to him, when they'd have a pleasant moment together. It was the only way to explain the depth and intensity of her longing for him to return from the Eva, her worries about his safety, her desires to see him happy, her need to have him at her side. She loved his kindness. She loved his warmth and honesty. She loved his cooking and how he'd always do what he could to make her smile. She just... loved him for who he was.

Rei allowed herself to smile. Visions began to fill her mind of possible futures. She could imagine them going to school together as they got older, as normal teenagers, holding hands, watching television at Misato's apartment, her hand clasped tightly in his. She began to think about things she'd never given much thought to. What would it be like to hug him, to be held by him, to kiss him? What would it be like to... give herself to him? It was beautiful to think about... but in that moment, futile. Instantly that warm smile she'd allowed fell away...

He was still stuck in the Eva, and she had no idea if he would return this time...

She got up from her bed and started to pace back and forth, her mind racing. Could she keep moving forward? Did she have the strength of will to continue her quest to defeat Commander Ikari's plans if the person she cared about most was forever lost? Would she have the courage to continue on with a piece of herself missing? It was very possible that this would be the reality she'd be faced with...

She halted her pacing and tried her best to take deep breaths and stop the shaking of her body. No. No, that wouldn't happen. She had to believe it wouldn't happen. She had to believe that Shinji would have the desire to return to reality and return to physical form. If she didn't have faith in that then she'd already lost. However, this raised an even more troubling question...

How would she proceed with their friendship, or with anything related to him, if he did return?

She could picture it now, seeing him in the medical ward after his return, holding his hand and confessing how she felt about him. It was such a wonderful thing... but it was something she couldn't do. So long as the commander held control over her existence it was something that she'd never be able to do. It filled her with such inner turmoil. So long as Commander Ikari's will and the Third Impact loomed large she could never let her feelings be known.

Even worse was the idea that she knew nothing about romance. She knew nothing about how people actually pursued a relationship. What if she messed something up? What if they did begin a romantic entanglement one day and her ignorance of romance led to the destruction of the relationship? If that happened then a friendship could never be salvaged, he would be lost to her just as he was lost to her now. What if he pushed her away because of those things? What if he rejected her outright because she couldn't be what he needed her to be?

"I'm not good enough for him..." she murmured as a crestfallen expression washed over her.

Her eyes stung. She grit her teeth and balled her fists, pushing that thought from her mind. No. She couldn't think like that. She shouldn't think like that. If he returned and Third Impact was averted then she'd have a chance. They'd have a chance to live long and be happy... but what if he knew the truth about her? What if the reality of the clone tank beneath Central Dogma was something he learned about? What if he discovered that she wasn't fully human? What if he learned that she was? It was either build a romantic relationship built on lies tell him the ugly truth... that they were...

Suddenly she felt disgusted with herself...

She stepped up in front of the mirror in her room, taking in the vision of her face, her blue hair, her red eyes... No matter how much she wanted to love him romantically it was... wrong. She didn't know how much of her genetics came from Yui Ikari but it was still something she had to contend with. Yui Ikari's DNA could compose almost none of her genetic makeup or nearly all of it... She supposed she could ask Dr. Akagi to run a genetics test to determine how much of her was Yui-sama and how much of her was Lilith. The thought gave her some small comfort, but even if the percentage was low, she still shared Shinji's mother's face and that alone could make a romantic involvement between them distasteful in the eyes of the wider world... but that was only part of what was fueling her disgust.

It was the fact that she wasn't even fully human...

She studied the blue hair and red eyes in her reflection, both markers of her inhuman genetics and origin. As she took everything in her face contorted into an expression of genuine anguish while the sting of welling tears began to cloud her vision. She was physically different, she knew that, and Shinji didn't seem to mind, having never judged her for her appearance, but... how would he react if he discovered the truth? If the fact she looked very much like his mother wasn't enough to push him away then surely he'd be disgusted to know she shared genetics with an eldritch abomination. Tears began to flow down her cheeks. It hurt. It hurt so much! Why was she inflicted with these feelings? Why was this the life she'd been born into? Why did she have to be a half human hybrid with a tank full of clones, born to be nothing but a tool? Why couldn't she have been born a normal girl like Asuka?

In a flash of anger and despair she lashed out and struck the mirror with her fist in an attempt to destroy the very image of herself, fracturing it into many jagged shards. She clasped her now bleeding hand and sank to the floor in the middle of the room. "I hate this..." she whimpered between sobs as blood leaked between her fingers, blood she shared at least some of with him... "Why does it have to be like this?" she sobbed, grimacing from the pain from within and without.

She hated feeling this way. She hated that even though it could be taboo she couldn't just stop loving Shinji. She hated that she'd failed him. She hated that there had been nothing she'd been able to do to change anything that mattered. She hated Commander Ikari for his role in everything and for the fact he'd created her as she was. She hated that everything was falling apart...

Most of all she hated herself for everything that she was feeling and for everything that had happened...

Rei didn't know how long it was that she sat weeping on the floor of her apartment amid the shards of shattered mirror before she mustered the energy to stand up and bandage her hand. She didn't care. All she could think of was the gravity of the situation she found herself in. Even as she lay down to sleep after finishing tending to her injured hand all she could think about was the pain and the guilt and the hurt and the longing she felt because of everything, because of Shinji's absence. She buried her face into her pillow and tried to calm down, as if that could help to stem the flow of tears and choked sobs. Maybe... maybe at the very least she wasn't enough of a close relation to him that it wouldn't be considered incest. Even if the odds were slim to none she needed to know.

She needed to speak with Dr. Akagi in the morning immediately. She didn't care if her absence from school would be noticed. If there was even a small chance of that she needed to know. She needed to hold on to hope that things could be salvaged. If there was a chance that she could alter the course of the seemingly inevitable future and avert Third Impact, a quiet life with Shinji at her side was such a beautiful dream that she didn't want to let go, even if the idea had only just been planted.

At the same time, actually learning the answer was terrifying. If the results truly proved her feelings for Shinji to be unsavory would she be able to let them go? Deep down... deep down she knew the answer to that question and it only fueled that disgust and loathing she felt toward herself...

"Please... please let everything be alright... I want it to be alright..." she murmured aloud even though there was no one there to hear her plea.

Sleep did not come easy after that...

---

Ritsuko sat in her office, reading over and reviewing the final preparations for the materials needed and the procedures that would be used for the salvage operation. She'd been there since before first light and it was still relatively early in the morning. Considering how intensive an operation it was going to be, she wanted to make sure every last calculation and correction she and Maya had made was on point. The Ritsuko Akagi in the parallel universe had succeeded and if she was going to do her part in averting Third Impact she'd have to do the same. That goal's success required Shinji to continue piloting Unit 01, and Rei wouldn't forgive her if she failed to bring him back. She had to be successful, and if losing a bit of sleep over it was what could ensure that so be it. It wasn't like she wasn't used to that by now...

Suddenly there was a knock on her door which derailed her focus. Who on earth could be coming to see her this early in the morning? Maya wasn't scheduled in until the afternoon, Misato and her weren't on the best of terms, Kaji had no reason to see her, and she doubted that Gendo would be coming to see her. He hadn't even come to visit her when he'd ordered the salvage operation. This left only only likely possibility according to the process of elimination; Rei...

A pang of guilt thrummed through her as she rose from the seat at her desk. She felt guilty that she hadn't called or checked in on the blue haired girl in any capacity since the last battle had taken place, she'd simply been too busy. Hopefully her being remiss in that and constrained by her duties wouldn't put a strain on their new, odd, and oddly pleasant relationship dynamic. Surely Rei would understand that she'd been pouring herself into the task at hand.

Then again... her mother doing that sort of thing had been one of the reasons their relationship had been so strained when she was alive...

She opened the door to her office and sure enough there was Rei standing in the hallway just outside. Ritsuko could tell from the dark circles under the girls eyes that she'd been losing sleep even though Rei wasn't making eye contact, looking instead down and to the left. The look on her face was one of fatigue mixed with despair. Her posture was nervous and guarded, with her arms crossed in front of her chest. Ritsuko also noted the bandage on her right hand which was puzzling. "Hello Rei, how are you?" she greeted awkwardly with a sheepish smile even though the answer was quite obvious.

Rei seemed to shrink where she stood in the doorway. "May I come in..." she murmured.

Ritsuko stepped aside and gestured for her to enter without a work. She honestly didn't know what to say. Rei stepped a few meters inside the office and then stood before her, fidgeting with her sleeve, unable to look her in the eyes. It was plainly obvious that the blue haired girl had been having a terrible time. Her eyes once again drifted to her bandaged hand, a red stain seeping through the white gauze around her knuckles. "What happened to your hand?" she asked.

Rei flinched and looked at her bandaged hand, her lip quivering. "I... broke my mirror," she replied in a hushed tone.

Ritsuko's brow furrowed. There was something behind that but she wasn't sure how to broach that topic. Instead of pressing the matter she couldn't help but feel an apology was in order. "I'm... sorry that I didn't speak with you sooner. I've been quite busy in the aftermath of the last battle," she said, knowing full well that it was a poor excuse.

Rei continued to fidget where she stood. "I know..." she replied. "You've been working on preparing the salvage operation... to recover Shinji."

Ritsuko nodded, her lips curving down into a frown. She was glad that Rei knew what it was that had been occupying her time but she still looked troubled. If their alliance was to remain, she couldn't be dismissive, like her mother would have been. "Yes, I have," she replied, not sure how to proceed. "I'm confident that I'll be successful when the time comes."

Rei closed her eyes and breathed deeply, hanging her head as she breathed out. "I'm glad you think you will be successful..." she murmured. "Even so... I cannot help but worry..."

"I understand," Ritsuko replied, again not sure about how to proceed with the conversation. Lending comfort emotionally wasn't something she'd ever been good at. "You know, I really have been meaning to speak with you. I'm not lying when I say that..." she continued after a moment's pause.

Rei nodded, continuing to fidget. "I know..." she murmured, still refusing to look her in the eye.

A heavy pause hung in the air which eventually Ritsuko just couldn't take. "So... what prompted you to come see me?" she asked, folding her arms, beginning to become impatient despite herself. If there was anything she knew about this new Rei, it was that sometimes she needed to be nudged in order for her to speak was was truly on her mind. "And what caused you to break your mirror?"

Rei finally looked at her, those red eyes of hers full of so many different emotions, an angst filled frown on her lips. "I... have a favor to ask of you..." she spoke in a tone of voice that displayed just how difficult it was to ask her for whatever favor she was in need of.

Ritsuko's brow furrowed. What could be so difficult for her to ask about, and why did she look so conflicted? In fact, she'd never seen Rei like this. After the Unit 03 incident she'd been upset and sad but now she looked genuinely defeated, hopeless even... "Sure," she replied. "What do you need?"

Rei closed he eyes drew in another shaky deep breath, nervousness radiating off of her. "I- I... I want..." she choked out. "I want you to run a genetics test... on me..."

Ritsuko general mood snapped from sympathy to utter bewilderment in the space of seconds. For what possible reason did she want to know her genetic lineage? Rei was mostly comprised of Angel based matter taken from Lilith and the other parts of her came from Yui Ikari, she should know that shouldn't she? Where was this request coming from? "You want a genetics test?" she asked. "What for? You should know of your... origins, right?" Considering how deeply she was embedded in Commander Ikari's plans how could she not know?

Rei seemed to shrink into herself as she pulled her arms tighter around herself. "I... I want to know... how much of me... is... Yui Ikari..." she choked out slowly, her voice coming out barely above a whisper.

Well... that was a statement that was truly unexpected. Truth be told, even she didn't know what percentages of Angel and human DNA composed the First Child. All things considered, due to Rei's pale complexion, red eyes, and blue hair, her Angel genetics were certainly dominant, but the shape of her face was very similar to the descriptions of Dr. Ikari she'd heard. Ritsuko had never seen a photo of Gendo's wife, she wasn't even sure any existed... but why would Rei suddenly be making such an issue about this? If she was having some sort of conflict regarding this, why? Why would she suddenly have an issue about the percentages of her human donor's genetics she was made up of? It was a silly thing to concern herself with when her best friend was still trapped in the Eva...

"Oh..." Ritsuko murmured as realization as to why dawned on her. It was written all over Rei's face, the reason why. It put new perspective on her tears after Shinji decided to quit and it certainly explained why she'd punched her mirror... An intense wave of sympathy rolled through her for the blue haired girl's plight. That reason would explain a great amount of things.. "I see..."

Rei closed her eyes and let out a shaky sigh, bowing her head and hiding her eyes behind her bangs. "Yes..." she returned in a hushed whisper. "You understand..."

Once again Ritsuko didn't know what to say to her but she pitied the poor girl, she really did. Heavens knew she understood what longing for something just beyond her grasp could be like. Though she doubted that the results of a genetics test would be favorable for Rei, she would oblige her. It was all she could do to do right by her now. Slowly, she reached out and placed a hand gently on the pale girl's shoulder. "Alright," she said. "We can do that."

"Thank you..." Rei whispered, still looking down at the tile floor.

Ritsuko smiled. It was nice to be genuinely appreciated. Even better, it wasn't for her value as a scientist, but because of an action of genuine kindness. It was a kind of appreciation she wasn't used to but she found she quite enjoyed. She reached down and gently pulled Rei's wrist up to look at the bandage around her hand. "Come on," she replied. "Before we do anything, let me take a look at this, okay?"

Rei nodded. "Yes, Dr. Akagi..." she replied with a grateful expression that wasn't quite a smile.

Ritsuko examined Rei's hand, undoing the bandages so she could get a look at the lacerations on her hand. She set up a folding chair and had Rei sit down while she retrieved some first aid supplies. As she did so, she allowed herself to smile a bit wider while Rei wasn't looking. Doing this kind of thing for Rei reminded of her of how her mother had tended her cuts and scrapes when she was small child, whenever she'd actually come home from her lab, something that was an all too distant memory... "Alright... let me clean this up for you..." she spoke in a soothing voice as she took Rei's hand and began to apply the disinfectant.

---

Gendo had awoken and left his quarters early and was already sitting in his office, staring out the window into the geofront. He was slumped in his chair, unable to sit up fully. Sleep had not come easy the previous night, he had much on his mind that prevented it. The conflict in his mind regarding the paths he'd taken had been raging. Thoughts of what Yui would think if she could see him now were weighing heavy, but he'd come too far to change course. He was committed to his course of action at this late in the game. It was obvious now that Yui would be furious with him for how he'd treated their son... his son... her son...

She'd probably also be furious about the creation of Rei and the way that he'd inevitably end up using her to attain his ends. Yui had always been very concerned with the happiness and well being of other people... what would she think when she learned that he'd created a person to use as a tool, in her image no less? Would she forgive him?

She had to... otherwise it would all be for nothing...

"I'm surprised you're in your office this early," a familiar voice called from behind him.

Gendo swiveled around his chair around to face his guest, lugging himself forward and resting his elbows on his desk. Once again, his fatigue and his contemplation had prevented him from being alert enough to perceive Fuyutsuki's entrance into his office. "Are you?" he countered, putting on the stoic mask he wore so well. "We are in dire straits her at NERV presently, aren't we? Some things need attending to."

"Such as absently staring out the window?" Fuyutsuki quipped, the hint of a playful smirk appearing on his lips.

Gendo placed his hands in front of his face to hide his scowl. With his current mood he wasn't about to take his confidants sarcasm. Time to get down to brass tacks... "What business requires my attention?" he inquired.

Fuyutsuki stiffened up and his expression immediately sobered. "I know the events of the past few days have been weighing on you genuinely..." he spoke softly, his face taking on a pitiful expression.

Gendo's jaw tensed behind his gloves. Usually when they had these introspective talks they were already engaged in a game of shogi, using such talk to undermine the other's game. "Perhaps..." he replied defensively. "What is your point, sensei?"

Fuyutsuki's dour expression remained. If anything, it intensified. "I'm... sorry... for what I'm about to say..." he returned softly.

Gendo's eyes narrowed behind his glasses. "What is it?" he inquired.

Fuyutsuki closed his eyes and sighed before looking him dead in the eyes. "I have a confession to make..." he replied, his voice coming out resolute and firm.

Gendo stared back at him, his mouth hidden behind his gloves, his mind going into overdrive trying to figure out what it was that his confidant was about to tell him as he awaited the older man's response...

---

Author's notes

Ah... it's good to be back! My hiatus is over and I'll be resuming my usual posting schedule of approximately two weeks between updates, should my momentum hold at least.

These two chapters have been a long time coming in a great number of ways. The events of Chapter 35 and 36 were some that I'd been looking forward to writing since I began work on this piece and taking the time I have to perfect them was necessary to get them exactly the way I wanted them. Originally I planned the events in these to take place within a single chapter but by the time the story got to this point I realized they would be too long for one, considering the level of detail. However, I do feel that it would have been a disservice and felt incomplete If I'd released them one at a time, hence why these were posted at the same time. This was the biggest reason behind me taking a break, so I could deliver this massive update all at once.

Rei's realization was something I'd especially been looking forward to writing considering how long she's been in denial. Seeing the mood and the buildup to finally acknowledging that aspect of her humanity was honestly as draining to write as it was for her to experience. I do hope that it provided at least some catharsis for those who have been expecting a certain ship to sail for a while now. In addition to this, the development of Kaji, Misato, and Ritsuko is something that's getting interesting, right? Sure, Misato remains quite similar to her canon self but Kaji is forming new alliances and Ritsuko is on a good path to surpass her traumas...

However, the most important aspects of these two chapters I think are the interactions surrounding the supporting cast. In case I haven't said it before, Kaji is one of my favorite characters in Eva and I very much enjoy writing him. His interaction with the OC Fujita should give hints on the next stage of his arc. For that matter, for those of you who have been wondering about the purpose of the OC characters who were first introduced in chapter 2... their scene in this chapter should be an indication of their ultimate purpose and role in the narrative.

I do apologize that Kaworu didn't appear in these two chapters after his dramatic reveal. I can promise that he'll appear in the next update. Trust and believe, I have big plans for him going forward...

As for the cliffhanger with Gendo, I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait for the next update to find out what Fuyutsuki has to say. Chapter 37 is well underway.

Once again, thank you all for your continued support. Please let me know what you think! Read and review!

Regards,

A.F.