The Girl Who Shouted I At The Heart Of The World

by A.F. Oliver

Few get a second chance at living, let alone two or three. Rei Ayanami never knew what to do with the lives she had until it was too late. Getting another chance at living could mean a world of difference. After all, life is an ever changing thing and even the smallest of changes can reverberate across the world.

37. The Passage Of Emptiness Part II

Chapter 37 – The Passage Of Emptiness Part II

The past few days since Kaworu awakened within SEELE's bunker in Berlin, Germany, had been thoroughly confusing and filled with questions. Why was he alive again? What was the reason or mechanism that had caused him to be resurrected? How was it possible to rise from the dead? This said, they were also questions he couldn't ask. How could he even go about explaining that he was certain that he'd lived once before? Any rational member among the lilin would think him raving mad if he were to attempt that conversation with them...

However, just through passive observation in the days since his rebirth he'd gathered a great deal of information just by listening in on Keel's conversations. Somehow, inexplicably, he'd found himself back at a point in time earlier than his initial awakening in a human body in the... past? Was it proper to call it that? It didn't matter. Apparently the reason that Keel had activated his current body as the vessel of his soul, other than to orchestrate his foolish and futile plans, was to test the Dummy System that Dr. Ritsuko Akagi had developed. This was a point he found interesting. Did this mean that something had been altered? How? Again, these were questions he couldn't answer, at least right now. The desire to know and understand these things was overwhelming, along with a state of existential angst that it brought. It brought many questions.

He needed answers. What was the reason for his existence? For what purpose was he alive again, other than to be a tool for those foolish old men again? Why had he chosen to forsake his destiny just to be sent back and be bound to it again? Was that his fate? To die and be reborn forever? If he was truly Tabris, the Angel of Free Will, why did it feel like his life was completely bound by fate? Why did those tender feelings he'd felt for others seem like they weren't truly his anymore?

Those questions were ones he couldn't answer. It was better to just focus on the moment and not think about the future... for now.

Presently, he was standing beside Chairman Keel in the dark room that the old man used to communicate with the other members of SEELE. Before them was a holographic display showing a video feed inside the Eva cage at the nearby testing facility in Hamburg. On the screen was the visage of the newly completed Evangelion Unit 05, the first of the Mass Production Eva Series to be completed. Presently he was there to witness its first clandestine activation using the Dummy System...

It wasn't long after his awakening that he'd been hooked up to machines and had his brainwaves and though patterns copied into the program. From what he understood, the memory aspect of the Dummy System had been omitted from SEELE's version due to the trouble it had given Dr. Akagi. He supposed he was grateful for that, it would have raised questions that he couldn't answer. It would also hinder the old fools' scenario, not that he cared about that. He could care less about any of what was happening around him now. It was an exercise in futility, the schemes and politics of man, the battle against his brethren, his own existence, the idea of existence as a whole...

"Initiating primary connections," a voice spoke in German.

"Synchronization attained," another spoke. "We have activation."

Kaworu watched as Keel began to grin. The old man folded his arms behind his back and lifted his chin in a gesture of pride. "It seems we have accomplished with you what Dr. Akagi was unable to accomplish with the First Child," he stated softly. "You have my thanks."

Kaworu winced as a feeling like an electric shock hit him behind his eyes. He'd been having those intermittently ever since he'd awakened which was in all honesty troubling. Each time it happened it would be accompanied by the flash of a vision, a vision of something he couldn't remember happening but was just as vivid as any memory of his past life. It was a scene set in a dark void with a woman what looked very similar to Rei Ayanami but older and with brown hair. She was speaking but he had no idea of what she was saying. None of it made any sense... but he had a... gut feeling that Ayanami would know what it meant, if he could ever speak with her... "It is a success that was bound to happen," he replied after a moment of pause. "I am merely a small part of it..."

"Even so, this day marks a milestone," Keel returned. "The day of judgment draws closer..."

Kaworu bowed his head an frowned. Indeed, the day when they would put into action their pathetic pans drew closer by the minute... "Indeed..." he replied.

"You seem like you have something on your mind," Keel stated. "You may speak openly with me if you wish, Tabris."

The gears in his mind began to spin. Yes... this was an opportunity offered up to him on a silver platter. Keel's plans centered around him and his demise at the hands of Shinji and Unit 01, he was guaranteed to be on safe ground until the demise of the final two Angels. Yes, even though he'd learned that there had been more Angels in this world's version of he Dead Sea Scrolls, there were only two remaining before his own destined coming, just as before...

This left him leeway to perhaps... find the answers to all the existential questions he found himself pondering since he'd awakened in this new life he was living. "I have a favor to ask of you," he stated as calmly as he could.

"Speak freely," Keel replied without looking away from the screen displaying the test.

"If you no longer need me until the promised day arrives, I would like to be transferred to Tokyo 3," Kaworu replied.

Keel finally turned looked at him, regarding him with a harsh expression. "For what purpose?" he inquired. "There is no reason to designate you as the Fifth Child as of yet."

Kaworu chose his next words carefully before he spoke again. What would a good reason to go there ahead of Keel's schedule be? "This may be so..." he replied. "However, perhaps it would be... advantageous to meet and socialize with the pilots before the time comes. It will make things easier when the time comes for my integration into their ranks."

Keel stared at him with an unreadable expression before turning back to the test still underway on the holographic display. "Very well," the old man returned evenly. "This can be accommodated. It does seem to be an advantageous maneuver."

Kaworu nodded, allowing himself to grin while the head of SEELE wasn't watching him. "Thank you," he replied.

"Just remember your place, Tabris," Keel continued, his tone taking on the slightest hint of a veiled threat. "You answer to me and to SEELE..."

"Always," Kaworu returned, his grin fading.

Keel glanced at him once again before again returning his gaze to the screen. "I suppose you need a name," he stated. "A Japanese name as to... assimilate to Tokyo 3."

"Call me what you wish," Kaworu replied. "I care not for what you decide my alias to be, it is merely a cover." It would be nice if his human identity remained the same as before however... was it possible that Keel had another name for him in mind? Funny... he'd almost gotten attached to that name before the end...

Keel stood silent for a moment before he spoke again. "You shall be known as Kaworu Nagisa," he returned flatly. "You are dismissed."

Kaworu breathed a silent sigh of relief as the name, his name... hit his ears. Such a strange thing... to have attachment to such a thing, mere syllables uttered by men, only given meaning by the internalization of them. Alas though, it was familiar. It was his. It was his... identity in a way. He was more than Tabris, Angel of Free Will, he was Kaworu Nagisa, the fifth child, mortal...

Human...

"As you wish..." Kaworu replied with a bow before making his exit from the dark chamber. Soon enough he'd get the answers he was looking for. Soon enough he'd be able to speak with Ayanami about what had happened to him. If there was a chance that anyone knew what he was experiencing or was themselves experiencing it, it was her.

They were both spawn of the Angels after all...

---

...Gendo stared back at Fuyutsuki, his mouth hidden behind his gloves, his mind going into overdrive trying to figure out what it was that his confidant was about to tell him as he awaited the older man's response. Seconds passed and he nothing, Fuyutuski simply stared down at him with an expression that was growing more pained and conflicted with each passing moment. What was going on in his head? Had he sold him out to SEELE? What was going on his second in command's mind? "Go on..." he bade him darkly.

Fuyutsuki's frown deepened. "I've been keeping a secret from you..." he replied cryptically.

A secret? What was it that he'd been hiding from him? "Go on..." Gendo growled, his fingers digging into the creases of his opposing hands.

Fuyutsuki closed his eyes for a moment and opened them, looking away with a misty eyed expression. "It's something Yui told me... shortly before the accident..." he replied.

Gendo's eyes went wide for a second before narrowing with suspicion and anger. What had she told him that she wouldn't have told him? "And what is that?" he hissed.

Fuyutsuki made eye contact with him once again. "Before the accident, Yui and I... spoke about the Evas and SEELE's plan..." he replied.

Gendo clenched his teeth. He didn't appreciate him using his wife's given name. On top of that, this stalling was beyond annoying, in fact it was starting to awaken the fires of anger within him. "What about?" he spat, his mouth still concealed behind his gloves.

Fuyutsuki looked away once again, closing his eyes for a moment before staring him directly in the eye. "Yui... Before the contact experiment... Yui told me that... it was her intention... to stay within the Eva..." he replied, his voice coming out in a hushed timbre.

Gendo's eyes went wide and his blood ran cold as those words rang in his ears. Had he heard that statement correctly? No. No, there was no way that Fuyutsuki had said what he'd thought he'd said. He must have been mistaken. "What did you just say?" he replied, his whole body tensing and pulsing with emotion as he fought to retain his composure.

Fuyutsuki stiffened and his eyebrows knit up. "I know you heard me, Ikari..." he murmured softly. "Yui... chose to stay wihin the Eva."

Gendo's blood began to boil. He unclasped his hands and set them on his desk, trying his best to contain the flood of emotion that was building in his chest. "Explain yourself," he commanded through gritted teeth.

Fuyutsuki flinched but stood his ground. "I spoke to Yui before the contact experiment and she told me her intention to become the soul of Unit 01..." he replied, his voice coming out hushed. "She told me she wanted to do this so she could be a testament to mankind's existence through the ages..."

Gendo's heart pounded in his chest. It had to be a lie. It had to be some kind of trick. Yui would never do such a thing... she would never leave him like that! Why would she do something like that!? There was no way that she would abandon him! "You're lying..." he snarled, unwilling to believe what he was hearing.

"I'm not lying to you," Fuyutsuki replied, his face retaining it's grave expression. "Yui told me that she wanted to remain within the Eva..."

Gendo was floored. He sat at his desk, his hands trembling in fury and hurt and disbelief in reaction to what he'd just heard. "I don't believe you!" he snarled, unable to say anything else, unable to process what Fuyutsuki was telling him. It was easier to get angry at him than entertain that idea. If he entertained the idea that Yui chose to stay inside Unit 01 then everything he'd done, all the sacrifices and despicable acts he'd had hand in truly were for nothing! "What reason would Yui have for doing such a thing!?" he retorted defensively.

Fuyutsuki's eyebrows knit up. "Gendo I-" he spoke.

"Don't use my name!" Gendo growled, cutting him off as stood from his seat. To speak so familiar with him after telling such salacious lies was something he wouldn't stand! Fuyutsuki was lucky he had developed self control over the years, otherwise he would have shot him by now...

Fuyutsuki flinched but continued speaking, retaining that sincere expression of his. "Ikari, I know it's hard to believe, but it's true," he continued. "Yui spoke to me before the contact experiment. She said the Eva was the only way for mankind to continue to survive and so she chose to become its heart. She wanted to build a better future. She knew you wouldn't take it well, that you would have stopped her... that's why she didn't tell you..."

Gendo's heart was racing and his stomach was churning. He could hear the sincerity in the older man's voice but he didn't want to believe this! Yes, he would have stopped her had she even hinted at doing such a thing but that still... why? Why would she choose to do what Fuyutsuki was saying she chose to do!? Hadn't she realized that he needed her!? Why would she give up him, their son, everything, just to allow the Eva to function!? For the first time since he'd known Yui he felt anger boiling up directed at her. How could she have done this to him!? Did she have any way of knowing the pain that he'd experienced from losing her? Why wouldn't she value her family over her work? Had she really... given up everything for humanity willingly? Was all of his scheming and plotting truly pointless? Were all the heinous acts that he'd committed since he lost her truly for naught? His gaze turned downward. "I don't want to believe this..." he snarled, balling his fist against the surface of his desk fighting back despair.

"Whether you choose to believe it or not... it is the truth." Fuyutsuki replied, his voice coming out somber and hushed. "She did what she did for the future of mankind, so we could live in a world where life endures."

Gendo's eyes remained fixed on the desk before him. That actually did sound like something Yui would say... "And it will endure once my plans have succeeded," he replied, trying to hold on to the hope that despite everything he'd still been doing all he had for the right reasons... "Once my vision of Instrumentality comes to pass she'll understand that..."

"I don't think that matters..." Fuyutsuki replied, his expression remaining dour and sincere. "I don't think she has any intention of leaving the Eva even then... She spoke to me about how mankind can only exist here on earth but Eva is eternal, how so long as one human soul exists within the Eva then mankind will never truly perish. I would imagine that is why the original salvage operation failed..."

Those words crashed over him like a tsunami, threatening to drown him in the undertow of their brutal honestly. Then, the anger and frustration and feelings of betrayal pulsing in his blood shifted targets. Fuyutsuki had kept this from him. Fuyutsuki had known this all this time, for over ten years and never spoken a word! In fact, he'd assisted him in his efforts! Why? Why would he do such a thing if Yui wanted to remain locked within Unit 01!? "You knew this..." he hissed before staring back at the older man and roaring at him. "You knew this and you said nothing!"

"Ikari I-" Fuyutsuki tried to respond, the pained expression on his face intensifying.

Gendo knew he was losing his ability to think and act rationally but he didn't care. This man, one of the only people he trusted, had been keeping secrets from him and that was not going to go without reprisal! He was going to find out why he kept this secret from him and then make him pay! He drew his pistol from the drawer in his desk and aimed it directly at Fuyutsuki's forehead. "Why!?" he exploded, the raw emotion pouring out like water from a ruptured dam. "Why would you keep this from me!?"

Fuyutsuki seemed not to care that there was a gun pointed at his face his face. He simply glanced downward with a somber expression, breathing a heavy sigh.

Gendo was shaking as all the conflicting emotions coursed through him. He wasn't about to let this stand. He wanted to pull the trigger so badly but he wasn't going to paint his office with this man's brains until he had an answer that would sate the hurt and the anger. "You helped me, Fuyutsuki," he spat, forcing himself momentarily regain some of the collected calm he'd practiced for so long. By the time he'd finished speaking however, he had completely lost control over his emotions. "All this time, you've helped me, and now you tell me that all we did, all I did, was for nothing! Why? Why would you go along with my plans, why would you bother creating Rei if you knew that Yui would be against them! You've watched me dirty my hands to no end and you said nothing! Why!? Why did you go along with my schemes if you knew it was all an exercise in futility!?"

Fuyutsuki said nothing, his pained expression remaining as he stared down at the floor.

Gendo's heart pounded in his ears. "Answer!" he shouted.

Fuyutsuki finally looked up and met his gaze. "Because I wanted to see her again too... if only for a moment before the end..." he replied.

With every passing second that those words rang in his ears his emotion moved from anger into grief. Fuyutsuki didn't have to say anything more, he understood the subtext of what he meant by that statement... and it only served to bring into focus why he'd done all the things that he'd done. He lowered the pistol to his side. Still, it didn't explain everything... "Why do you tell me this now, so close to that end?" Gendo asked in a deflated tone, unable to muster any more venom.

Fuyutsuki issued a halfhearted smile, his eyes retaining that look of profound sadness. "I've noticed how conflicted you've been, how the things you deny regretting weigh upon you," he returned slowly and softly. "And I know your relationship with your son has been improving. Seeing you open up with him and be honest with him... I... It's made me realize that... perhaps... after all these years I owe you the truth. I don't want to go into the void to come with regrets in my heart."

"So you wanted to clear your conscience?" Gendo huffed. "That's all?"

Fuyutsuki nodded. "Yes," he replied somberly. "Now I can face what's to come without regrets."

"Why assist me at all then?" Gendo asked, as the despair began to build. It was too much, that Fuyutsuki had betrayed him on top of the realization that Yui had abandoned him just like everyone else... "If you knew that Yui would not wish to return from Unit 01, then why?"

Fuyutsuki got a far away look in his eyes. "If the world has to end, I'd prefer your way as opposed to SEELE's," he replied, almost wistfully. "At least there will be people alive in its aftermath..."

But not Yui. Yui wouldn't be there, and if she wasn't there with him and Shinji after the end of everything then it just didn't matter. What would he live for if she was lost to him forever? What reason did he have to keep fighting if she would not join him and Shinji as a family once again? Gendo bowed his head. "Get out..." he growled. "This conversation is over..."

Fuyutsuki hesitated for a moment but said nothing. After what felt like an eternity he finally turned around and trudged out of the office, leaving Gendo alone with his thoughts.

The moment the door to his office closed he collapsed back into his seat at his desk, breathing shakily and heavily as the walls closed in around him. It had all been for nothing. Every depraved action, every horrible thing that he'd done in service to his ends had been a pointless waste. For the first time in forever he felt truly lost, adrift, alone... he'd always been alone but at least he'd had a goal to strive for. Now he didn't even have that. It was pointless to continue on. It was pointless to keep going when it wouldn't amount to anything.

After a lifetime of isolation and suffering, this was the end of the line. He'd sent away his son for nothing. He'd molded and shaped Rei into what and who she was for nothing. He'd gotten himself so deeply involved with SEELE for nothing! If only... if only he'd had the ability to read the signs that had been pointing to this! If only he'd had the courage to be there for his son! If only things could have been different from the beginning! …but they weren't and they would never be. The past was etched in stone and the way ahead led to nothing but empty defeat.

He stared down at the gun in his hand, the blued steel of the CZ75 glinting in the artificial sunlight coming in from the windows of his office, his heart and mind racing. Perhaps it was for the best... he'd spent his whole life closed off from everyone, everyone except Yui, and now he was reaping what he'd sown. He supposed he deserved this, he'd never deserved Yui in the first place. If he continued on, Yui would never forgive him and he'd never hold her in his arms again anyway... perhaps it was best to just give up and sever the ties he had to others... forever.

Gendo closed his eyes and placed both hands on the butt of the handgun, placing the muzzle under his chin. Humanity was doomed by its own hand and its own hubris and he'd seen enough and been hurt enough... it was time to give in. At least Shinji was in a place to ride it out. At least Shinji was safe in Unit 01 with Yui, shielded from the horrors that were yet to come, horrors that he'd helped in part to construct. Rei would be better off if he just gave in. Shinji would be better off if he just gave in, at least he could stay with Yui within Unit 01 to ride out the end...

Gendo's eyes opened as a wave of emotion that he couldn't bear ran through him, causing him to drop the pistol to the floor with a clatter. Shinji... Shinji was all that he had left of Yui... and he'd caused him nothing but pain. He'd sent him away so he could work toward executing a fruitless dream. He'd neglected their relationship to save him from himself and his capacity to hurt him... but those actions were responsible for the way their relationship stood. Before he'd been lost in Unit 01 he'd enjoyed how their bond had been mending. He began to think of all the things he'd missed out on as a father to him.

For the first time in years, tears began to cloud his vision. It was overwhelming to think that everything about the way his life was and how it was now crashing down ultimately fell back on him... but so long as he could mend things with Shinji he would keep going. He would do all he could to protect Shinji and try to ensure his happiness... it was what Yui would have wanted. He realized that now.

Gendo reached down and picked up the handgun, staring at it for a long time before eventually placing it back in his drawer he'd drawn it from. He slumped forward, resting his elbows on his desk, taking hold of tufts of his hair in his fists, absolutely swimming in his thoughts. He knew that doing what he could for Shinji was the right path forward but what about Rei? Another wave of guilt washed over him as his thoughts turned to her...

He'd had her created for the sole purpose of executing his scenario. He'd had her created just to die for mankind's ascension... how could he have been so depraved? The realization of how far into the dark he'd allowed himself to descend was agonizing. Rei didn't deserve the life he'd given her, no one did. It was horrible enough what he'd done to Shinji but what he'd done to her was unforgivable... He grit his teeth as his hands slid down from his scalp and over his face, barely able to keep himself under control.

Gendo shut his eyes tight. He was shaking as he took hold of the orange sunglasses he always wore by their lenses. To think of what he'd done to Naoko Akagi... how he'd used her and discarded her. To think of how he'd gone along with SEELE's plans even after Yui's accident. To think that he'd allowed all of this to happen because of lost love and vain hope. He tightened his grip on those lenses and squeezed. Why couldn't he have just been honest with himself? Why couldn't Yui have been honest with him? Why couldn't he see that all of this would inevitably lead him here? Why did hindsight have to be so glaringly painful? What was the way forward?

The answer to all of those questions eluded him... and for the first time since Yui had been gone, tears fell from his eyes.

The lenses of his glasses shattered in his hands and he hurled them across the office before standing up and slamming his fist on his desk. "Dammit..." he hissed under his breath before slamming his hand down on the oak top once again. "Damn it all!" It was all too raw. He couldn't deal with it right now. He needed to escape. He needed to run away from it all...

Gendo stormed out of his office and headed for his sleeping quarters, his vision fading as the overwhelming torrent of emotions continued to ripple through him like waves. He practically threw the door open as he pressed inside his room. His eyes locked on the stand beside his bed and he hurried to it, whipping open the drawer in flustered rush and withdrawing its contents.

In there he'd kept a bottle of fine Sake. He'd been saving it, hoping that perhaps one day he might be able to share it with Yui one day. He'd given up drinking for the most part after college, only having done it socially a few times afterward, and never after Yui had... left him. He'd done his best to eliminate all distractions, anything that could stand in the way of his goals... but now he wanted it. Yui would never share it with him anyway... Right now all he wanted was to feel numb.

All he wanted was to forget about everything if only for a moment...

---

Rei sat in Dr. Akagi's office, staring down at the bandages on her right hand. Despite the pain and conflict that still weighed heavy from her realizations of the previous night, her hand was at least feeling better. Dr. Akagi had been very gentle in treating her self inflicted cuts and for that she was very thankful. The kindness that the faux blonde scientist had shown her in the last few weeks was something she still found surprising but it was so very welcome. With all that was on her mind she needed someone to show her a little kindness. Even though the pain and anxiety of all she'd uncovered within herself the previous night hung like a cloud over her head it was soothing that she hadn't... judged her when she'd come to her office the request for genetic testing against Shinji. Even though it was unspoken, she knew that Dr. Akagi had picked up on her reason as to why. At least... even if things didn't go her way there was someone who wouldn't think ill of her...

She'd been sitting in that folding chair for at least half an hour now. Dr. Akagi had brought up her old medical files, what files related to her creation that she'd been able to access, and drawn blood to process. They'd made a bit of small talk earlier in the day but now she was sitting in awful silence, waiting to hear the results of the test against samples Dr. Akagi had taken from Shinji when he was first brought in to NERV. The wait was killing her. The anxiety was building by the minute, exacerbated by the silence hanging heavy in the air. She truly wished to know the answer soon. If her hope was for nothing then it was better if it was crushed sooner rather than later... "How much... longer..." Rei spoke softly.

Dr. Akagi turned around from where she sat at her computer and issued a faint smile. "The analysis shouldn't take that much longer," she replied.

Rei fidgeted with the hem of her dress, the anxiety building once again. She desperately wanted to know if... if her feelings taboo... but the fear that they were threatened to drown her. Soon enough she would know the answer... "How much longer?" she couldn't prevent herself from asking.

Dr. Akagi regarded her with an expression that displayed the utmost sympathy. "Another five minutes or so," she replied.

Rei bowed her head and tried to steady her breathing. "Okay..." she murmured softly.

Silence hung in the room as the seconds passed, punctuated and made agonizingly slow by the ticking of analog clock that hung on Dr. Akagi's wall. "If it offers any comfort, I can understand how you feel, in regards to this... situation," Dr. Akagi spoke after a while, clearly trying to dance around the real topic she was speaking about.

Rei crossed her arms across her chest and curled into herself, gripping the ends of her sleeves tightly, the frown on her lips deepening as her heart beat faster in her chest. Was she just saying that to reassure her or did she really understand her position? "Do you... really understand?" she returned, just above a whisper, glancing up through her bangs to take sight of the faux blonde scientist.

Dr. Akagi's expression soured, her brow knitting up and a somber frown making its way onto her features. "I do..." she replied with a sigh. "And I... well... it's hard to let go of someone when you've spent a long time wishing they were yours..."

Rei was intrigued by that statement. She knew that much of Dr. Akagi's previous resentment came from her unrequited feelings for the commander. Even with this knowledge, for some reason she wanted to know a bit more about Dr. Akagi's romantic life. Perhaps it would give her... insight into how she could proceed, should it not be... unsavory for her to do so. At the very least, it would give her insight into what tactics were ineffective in love. Then again... the commander would only reciprocate romantic feelings with one person. To have that person back was the only thing that mattered to him, even if it meant the end of the world... "Do you mean... Commander Ikari?" Rei returned timidly. Though her relationship with Dr. Akagi had been getting much better, certain things still made her nervous to ask questions or speak her mind around the faux blonde scientist...

Dr. Akagi heaved a heavy sigh as she picked up her pack of cigarettes from her desk, pulled one out, and placed it between her lips. "Is it that obvious?" she grumbled through her teeth as she lit it, leaning her elbow on her desk and placing her chin in her palm. "Besides... you already know, so why even ask?"

Rei frowned and looked down at the linoleum tiles that composed the floor. "I didn't want to be rude..." she replied softly, raising her gaze with a look of remorse. "I'm sorry..."

Dr. Akagi took another puff off her cigarette and blew a plume of smoke, looking away from her. "It's fine..." she replied, her tone becoming very morose. "But you're right... for a long time I wanted to be with him, even though I knew it was foolish and the odds of it happening were slim to none. Part of me... still wishes that could happen despite knowing what I know about him, as stupid as that sounds. Even seeing him shooting me your memories wasn't enough to break that spell of longing... pathetic, right?"

Rei nodded. Considering her own situation, she had quite a bit of sympathy for the woman across from her, even considering her own thoughts on the commander. "I guess... what they say is true," she replied. "Love... hurts..."

Dr. Akagi nodded, her frown intensifying. "Yeah..." she replied. "Yeah it does..."

The computer on Dr. Akagi's desk emitted a beeping sound. The faux blonde scientist turned around and stared at the screen after placing her smoldering cigarette on the edge of the ash tray she kept on her desk. Rei watched intently as the doctor studied the results on the screen, her nervousness and worry increasing with every tick of the clock on the wall. It sounded so loud, that stupid clock... like a hammer pounding away at the wall of hope she'd erected to shield her heart. The seconds continued to pass and after a while Rei couldn't restrain herself from inquiring, "What does it say?"

Dr. Akagi turned around after moment with an enigmatic expression. "Well... the news is mixed," she replied. "But there is good news."

Rei's heart skipped a beat. "What does it say?" she repeated, her voice betraying her level of anxiety.

Dr. Akagi picked up her cigarette, took a final puff off of it, and snubbed it in her ashtray. "Well... the good news is you don't share very much in terms of genetics," she replied with a hint of a smile. "From what I've gathered from your files and from the blood work today there wasn't much of Yui Ikari's genetics that were salvageable to create you. You share approximately six point two five percent of your DNA with Shinji."

Rei wasn't sure to make of that statement. Was that a lot or a little? Was that enough genetic variation to avoid disapproval by the general public? Was that enough to mitigate... genetic defects? "What does that mean?" she asked nervously.

Dr. Akagi's smile grew momentarily but there was a note of sadness in her eyes and in her voice when she spoke again. "It means you share roughly the same amount of DNA as a first cousin once removed," she replied.

Rei breathed a heavy sigh. She supposed that was the best she could hope for, but it didn't answer her burning question about social acceptability. "Is that considered... unsavory?" she asked, unable and unwilling to put what she really wanted to know into the question.

Dr. Akagi shook her head. "No," she replied. "It's not a common thing, but there is no restriction or social taboo attached to it, at least here in Japan."

Rei bowed her head and smiled, the relief rolling through her in a great wave. If that was the case she was grateful. It meant that one day, if it was meant to be, if the end of the world could be averted, that she and Shinji could be together... "I'm so relieved..." she returned softly, lifting her gaze. "Thank you for doing this for me, Dr. Akagi..."

Dr. Akagi's smile faded and her eyebrows knit up. "Not that it matters right now, but... there's more," she spoke softly.

Rei's breath caught in her throat. There was more? What did that mean? Why was Dr. Akagi looking so nervous now? It had to be something bad... "What is it?" she asked, desperate to know but not sure she was ready for whatever the information was.

Dr. Akagi gave her a sympathetic look and shifted awkwardly in her seat, folding her hands in her lap and leaning forward to get closer to her. "Well... this might sound awkward but... Rei... you don't have a... cycle... do you..." she replied, her voice sounding nervous.

Rei was puzzled by this statement. A cycle? What was it that she was getting at? "A cycle?" she asked, unsure of what she meant.

Dr. Akagi's expression turned somber. "You don't menstruate... do you?" she returned softly.

With those words Rei understood what the blonde doctor was getting at. She shook her head in response. "I do not," she replied. A menstrual cycle was something she'd never experienced at any point in any of her lives...

Dr. Akagi frowned and she looked away from her. "I... I'm not sure how to tell you this..." she returned softly.

Rei was becoming increasingly curious and her feelings of anxiety and worry were returning in force. "Tell me what?" she asked.

Dr. Akagi tensed visibly and looked away from her. "Unless I'm reading something incorrectly..." she murmured softly, slowly. "It would seem that due to your Angelic genetic properties that you are... sterile."

Rei's eyes widened at that statement and her heart dropped into the pit of her stomach the implications of that statement set in. She'd never imagined that she'd ever want... offspring, in fact she'd hardy thought about her own sexuality before. Well... there had been a few times she'd thought about it momentarily, namely in the immediate aftermath of the incident that had gotten herself, Asuka, and Shinji stuck in the geofront without clothing. The idea of sex, the idea of... being a mother was one that she'd never pondered, she'd been too focused on her mission to change the course of the future to consider it. The first time she'd really thought about a future so distant had been the previous day when she'd... finally admitted to herself how she felt about Shinji. This said, the knowledge that she'd never be able to bear children was gut wrenching. Such a thing was something normal people took for granted, but she wasn't normal, and this news drove that reality deeper than ever.

The proverbial questions of what might have been began to swirl in her mind. What if she did manage to form a romantic relationship with Shinji in the long run of things, should Third Impact be avoided and he wanted children? That was something she couldn't give him... Though the idea wasn't something she'd ever thought about it still hurt to think that she couldn't provide him with those things... It made her feel so... incomplete, empty, like the puppet she'd been created to be. "I can't have children?" she spoke aloud, as if to confirm what Dr. Akagi had said, in the vain hope that she'd misheard her, that there was chance...

Dr. Akagi nodded after a brief moment of pause. "I'm sorry, Rei..." she replied. "But no... no you can't..."

Rei's stomach immediately tied itself in a knot, her throat began to close up, and her eyes began to sting. "I see..." she choked out.

Dr. Akagi got up from her seat and stepped over to her, placing a hand gently upon her shoulder. "Look... it's not the end of the world," she spoke softly, comfortingly. "A lot of people can't have kids. It's not that uncommon..."

Those words did nothing to alleviate the sadness and feelings of inferiority. Rei shrunk in her seat and balled her fists at her side, angry tears running down her cheeks as the shock and sadness turned to fury. This was Commander Ikari's fault. It was all his fault and there was nothing she could do about it. It was his fault that she was this way. It was his fault she'd been created the way she was, to be replaceable, an object, worthless, a doll who would never really be human... "Why?" she whimpered through gritted teeth. "Why did I have to be made this way?"

Dr. Akagi rubbed her shoulder reassuringly. "I don't know," she replied softly. "That's not something I can answer..."

Rei wiped her eyes but the tears wouldn't stop. "It hurts..." she croaked out, unable to hold the torrent of emotion back any longer. "It hurts so much. I hate it... I hate this so much..."

"I'm sorry, Rei..." Dr. Akagi murmured soothingly, squeezing her shoulder tighter.

Rei continued to weep, her sobs shaking her whole body. Somehow sympathy was doing nothing to make her feel better. "That doesn't matter. I'm still..." she trailed off. She couldn't say the rest. Saying it would just make it worse. Admitting aloud that she would never be fully human would just make it hurt even more...

Dr. Akagi knelt down in front of her and took both of her hands in hers with a gentle squeeze. "I know," she replied. "I know it's a lot to process..."

Rei shut her eyes tight, fighting desperately to regain control over herself. "I just want to be normal..." she whispered.

Dr. Akagi reached up and put her hand on her shoulder again with a lopsided, nervous smile. "Not that my opinion counts for much, but you're no stranger than any of us here at NERV," she replied. "At least... after everything you've gone through."

Somehow, through the tears, Rei found the ability to smile at that remark. "Thank you... Dr. Akagi..." she murmured softly, forcing herself to meet the woman's gaze.

Dr. Akagi's smile grew. "You know... you can call me by my name," she returned softly. "I call you Rei after all... and I like to think we're... friends now."

Rei's breath caught in her throat. "Are you... certain?" she asked.

Dr. Akagi nodded. "Yeah, I'm certain," she replied, never losing that warm smile.

The urge to find comfort was overwhelming and she couldn't bear it any longer. To think that Dr. Akagi was really... her friend now was something she'd never thought possible. Her tears renewed with greater force and before she could stop herself she lunged forward and brought her arms around the faux blonde woman, grabbing on to her lab coat tightly. "Thank you... Ristuko-san..." she sobbed into her shoulder.

Dr. Akagi... Ritsuko embraced her, just like she had after Shinji had decided to leave before the last battle. "I'm here for you, Rei," she returned softly. "I'll be okay..."

Rei hugged her tighter as the tears continued to fall. It was so strange that this woman who'd hated her so much in her past lives was now embracing her but it such a welcome thing. In that moment she wouldn't trade it for anything...

---

"Thank God it's Saturday..." Asuka grumbled as she and Hikari exited the school building. "At least Saturdays are half days here but it would be nice if we actually got a full weekend of like the schools back in Germany."

"Yeah..." Hikari murmured, looking a bit depressed. "That does sound kinda nice sometimes..."

Asuka fell silent at her friend's side with a frown. The day so far had been quite difficult to get through despite it being a half day at school. Misato hadn't left her room to even say hello to her in the morning before she'd left for school and Rei hadn't come to the apartment to walk to school with her either. Needless to say it was a long and silent morning. She hated mornings like that. She'd always end up stewing in her thoughts and feelings of loneliness and abandonment in one way or another.

School hadn't been any better, especially since Rei had been absent. Part of her couldn't help but wonder if her calling her out and throwing her feelings for Shinji in her face was a factor. It made her feel no small amount of guilt... Of course, Hikari was still there to chat with, but she was dealing with her own shit, namely the fact that Touji was still in a coma. Other than her there wasn't anyone at school who wanted to talk to her. It was saddening to think that she'd gone from being the talk of the school to just that foreigner who no one wanted to socialize with. With Shinji gone, with Rei absent, and Hikari dealing with what she was going through... she'd never felt more alone. "So..." Asuka spoke softly. "Do you want to do anything now that school's out?"

Hikari bit her lip. "If it's okay, I was hoping we could visit Suzuhara again..." she replied.

Asuka's frown deepened. When would she get a chance to really vent? Still, she had to be supportive, that was what a good friend did. "Yeah," she replied. "We could do that."

"Thanks," Hikari returned. "It means a lot, you coming with me..."

Asuka shrugged her shoulders. "It's nothing," she replied. "Not a problem."

There was a brief pause. "So... Ikari wasn't at school again today and neither was Ayanami," Hikari continued. "Ikari hasn't been back since the last battle... What's going on?"

Asuka bit the inside of her cheek and stared down at her feet as the two of them trudged onward. She didn't want to lie to her friend but she really didn't want to talk about it. All that would do was throw her own failures and her own loneliness back in her face. "He's still at NERV," she replied. "Like I said, he's being evaluated by the medical personnel."

"It's been four days since the battle..." Hikari pressed nervously. "Asuka, before yesterday I'd never seen Ayanami looking so upset. What happened the other day? What really happened?"

Asuka heaved a heavy sigh. No way to avoid it now, now that her friend wasn't accepting her lie at face value... "Fine..."she returned, laying it all out. "You really want to know? That last Angel nearly killed all of us. Both Rei and I had our Evas completely wrecked... and then Shinji showed up and piloted Unit 01, saving the day again..." She couldn't resist letter her frustration at that last part be known.

"Okay, then what?" Hikari pressed. "Did he get hurt... like Suzuhara did?"

Asuka glared at the road forward. "He got himself sucked in to the Eva," she bit out out, not sure how she'd explain the nuts and bolts of the situation if pressed on the subject. After all, how could she explain someone dematerializing yet still being alive? Was it fair to call Shinji Schrodinger's person at this point? "I'm not sure how it works, but Unit 01 went berserk during the battle and now he's stuck in there. They can't get him out of the plug..."

"What do you mean?" Hikari asked. "Doesn't the plug or whatever you guys pilot it from just get pulled out of the Eva?"

Asuka sighed once again. It would seem she'd have to try and explain it after all... no. No, it would take too long to explain... "That's the thing... for some reason they can't do that," she replied. "I'm not sure why, but they can't get him out of it."

Hikari looked downward at the sidewalk. "I see... do you think he'll be okay?" she murmured.

Asuka shrugged. "Don't know," she replied. "Knowing him, being the invincible idiot he is, even if he's stuck in there for a month he'll be fine. The plug has life support anyway..."

"Still," Hikari continued. "It's no wonder Ayanami looked so depressed yesterday."

Asuka wrinkled her nose at the statement. Perhaps she'd made a mistake spending some time with Hikari if this was going to end up being the topic of conversation. Even if she was over that stupid crush it was still awkward to think about the two of them together getting all mushy with each other... "Yeah, no shit..." she muttered.

"I can really understand what she's dealing with..." Hikari stated. "It's probably a lot like how I feel now that Suzuhara... might not wake up."

"Hey, you have a much better reason to be upset than she does," Asuka grumbled dismissively. This indeed was not the conversation she'd hoped for. "Shinji's just trapped. Touji on the other hand is comatose."

Hikari shook her head. "I don't think it's fair to compare these kinds of things," she replied softly.

Asuka folded her arms across her chest. "Whatever..." she muttered.

Once again, there was an awkward pause. "You're... over Shinji, right?" Hikari asked.

Asuka turned her head and glared at her friend. "Yeah, I am," she hissed initially but lost her venom with each passing word. "I'm just... It's just annoying since... forget it."

How was she supposed to explain how empty and alone she felt, and how it felt like she was being left behind in life? How could she explain her feelings of abandonment? How was she supposed to explain how if she admitted that it would be an insult to her pride? How was she supposed to talk about how she felt like she wasn't good enough as an Eva pilot, the one thing she'd ever been good at and that people liked and admired her for? How was she supposed to really talk about any of her issues and her bullshit without damaging the image she had of herself? She'd told herself she was stronger than that, that no one would ever see her cry again. That's what mother would have wanted for her...

"Come on, Asuka, what's wrong?" Hikari asked. "Something's clearly bothering you."

Asuka stretched her arms up toward the sky before folding her arms behind her head. If being gruff about it wouldn't get Hikari to drop the subject then being flippant about it would. "It's nothing important," she replied, feigning an air of aloofness. "It's just annoying that Wonder-girl took so long to figure herself out, y'know? It's kinda pathetic."

"I wouldn't say that," Hikari returned. "Some people need time to figure out how they feel."

Asuka shrugged her shoulders. "Whatever you say," she replied.

The pair of them fell silent as they continued their walk towards NERV. Normally she'd want to keep talking but with the week she was having Asuka didn't mind the lack of communication. At least the silence was better than talking about any of the issues that made her uncomfortable. It was better that way...

---

Ritsuko walked through the halls of the NERV central pyramid on her way to Gendo's office. It had taken a while before Rei had calmed down and left but eventually the blue haired girl had departed her office. Only then had she been able to return to her preparations to begin the salvage operation.

It had taken a while but she'd finally gotten a timetable for the operation completely finalized. One month... it was going to take one month to get all the equipment and programs in place in order to pull Shinji out of Unit 01. This was honestly frustrating. She wanted it not to take as long, if only for Rei's sake... It would seem that despite having a bit of knowledge about how things had gone in Rei's original timeline that she wasn't able to improve things. Then again, how was she supposed to expedite the process leading to an event she was only able to see second hand information about? The idea that she might have been able to shave off even a few days of the process was a foolish thought. The her in the other timeline must have had the papers that her mother had compiled on the process to help as well. She could only hope that there wouldn't be another Angel attack in the meantime, and that Rei could keep from falling apart until the salvage was successful.

Her thoughts drifted back to the blue haired girl and what they'd discovered together about her genetics and her... sterility. She'd never felt so much sympathy for Rei as she did then, barring even when she'd discovered what she'd been through and begun to genuinely acknowledge her as a person. She'd never wanted children herself and she doubted she would ever have them but... the physical inability to have them was a blow to any woman. The fact that Gendo had created Rei that way, whether by design or by fault, was genuinely upsetting. All of it, everything, was starting to wear on her. In all honesty, it was starting to anger her even. Knowing that about Rei coupled with inability to effect change was starting to truly eat at her. Ritsuko could only imagine how Rei felt in that regard. She could imagine that the poor girl felt like she was slamming into a brick wall repeatedly seeing the world continuing to spiral toward its end.

This was probably why she'd decided to go visit Gendo in person instead of just paging his office. She was going to inform him of the status of the salvage operation and express at the very least let her frustration be known in regards to fact that this operation was even necessary. If Gendo hadn't been such a bastard toward his son and toward Rei they wouldn't be in this situation presently. Obviously she couldn't tell him how angry and upset she was about these things or let it be known that she knew of his real plans, but she could at least let him know how much of a pain in the ass the salvage operation was for her. That would be enough for now. Besides, she had to move on from her foolish feelings for him in some way, otherwise the feelings of being... stretched and strained would never diminish.

Soon enough she reached his office and the black doors that separated it from the hallway. Ritsuko paused, trying to consolidate all of the things she wanted to say to him in a way that would show her displeasure with the state of things, and with him, but without revealing how much she knew of his schemes or how she'd been feeling for him. After a few moments she decided that perhaps if she sounded to rehearsed that he'd suspect something and so it was better to improvise. She pushed the door to the office open...

And found it empty...

This was strange. Gendo was usually in his office at all hours of the day unless there was some kind of meeting or something the was overseeing directly. Perhaps he'd been on his way to her office? If so, it was best to double back. At the very least she could call him if he wasn't there when she got there. But then again... that would make voicing her frustrations with the state of NERV that much more impersonal and she wanted to make it a touch personal.

She closed the door to the office and glanced father down the hall. That was strange... there was a door ajar with dim light coming through it. What room was that? She'd never been in it, never even noticed it really. Then again, that wasn't all that hard to do in the pyramid. The doors, walls, floors, and ceilings were all black marble that blended together quite well, and the dim lighting intensified the effect. Something about that pale light coming from the cracked door drew her to it. Curiosity is the defining trait of a scientific mind and she was going embrace that trait by investigating this mysterious room. However, she wasn't prepared for what she saw when she closed the distance to the door and pressed it open fully...

It was a single room living quarters with minimal furnishings, but that wasn't what was shocking. Directly between the door and the bed was Gendo, looking completely disheveled, missing those orange glasses he always wore, laying face down on the floor with his head turned away, an empty liter sized bottle of expensive sake beside him.

Even though she had so many reasons to be upset with him, to be mad at him, her brows knitted up in worry. She'd never known him to drink at all. Though she'd heard the rumors of how he was when he was younger, her impression of him was that of a teetotaler. Something must have really effected him deeply for her to find him in this state. "Commander Ikari?" she spoke softly.

Gendo stirred slightly and let out a pained moaning sound before lifting his arm and reaching for the empty bottle on the floor and only succeeding in pushing it further away from himself. "Yui..." he whimpered.

He really did look pathetic laying there as he was but... part of her still had a bit of sympathy for him. Ritsuko had never seen him like this. Until now all she'd only ever seen him as collected, cool, and in command of himself and the world at large. Seeing him like this and knowing that he could lose control was certainly informative... but why? What was he behaving like this. "Gendo..." she spoke, daring to call him by his given name. "What happened?"

The commander finally managed to grasp the empty bottle in his intoxicated state. When he did he rolled over on his back put it to his lips before thrashing his arm and smashing it to pieces, causing Ritsuko to flinch. "Why... Yui..." he murmured.

Ritsuko's frown deepened. What was he talking about his wife for? Didn't his entire plan revolve around bringing her back or something? Why was he talking like this? She got the impression that something had happened recently that had unsettled him... "You're drunk..." she muttered softly.

"What does... it matter..." Gendo croaked out in slurred words, staring up at the ceiling. "Nothing matters... everything's broken..."

Clearly this wasn't the time or place to talk business... "What are you talking about?" she asked even though she knew he was not coherent enough to really answer.

"She's gone..." he murmured, covering his eyes with his forearm. "She's gone..."

Ritsuko's frown deepened and instantly she understood at least a little of what he was talking about. "Yes..." she murmured. "She's gone, Gendo..."

"Can't bring her back..." he moaned softly. "Not... what she wanted..."

Those words caused her breath to catch in her throat. Was he... really saying this or was it just the alcohol talking? What did it mean? Was he... really having second thoughts about what he intended to do? Whatever those words meant, he was in no shape to be seen by anyone. "You're a mess..." she muttered softly.

"So what..." he slurred in response. "It doesn't matter... No one cares..."

Instead of just turning and leaving him Ritsuko's sympathies won out and she stepped forward into the room, closing the door behind her. Even though he was what he was, embers of what she'd once felt for him still remained. Calling him out for all the horrible things he'd done could wait until another day. She stepped over to him and knelt beside him, extending a hand. "Come on," she spoke a little gruffly. "You can't lay down and sleep there. Get up and get in bed..."

After a moment Gendo groaned and drunkenly grabbed at her hand. She threw his arm around her shoulder, heaved him up to his feet, and helped him stumble to his bed. Then, when they reached the edge, Gendo seemed to find his strength. He pushed her forward and she barely had time to turn around before he collapsed on top of her, his arms around her midsection, pinning her there, his head coming to rest on her chest, his lower torso pressed between her legs.

Ritsuko froze up. Her mind was racing and her heart was pounding out of her chest as all sorts of thoughts and emotions began running wild. What was he trying to do? Was he going to try to... take advantage of her? Why was there a bit of excitement buried underneath feelings of disgust if he was? Did he even know was he was doing? Did he even know who she was right now? What was even happening right now? He didn't move for what felt like an eternity and neither did she. Then he spoke, his voice coming out pained, hushed, and tired beyond tired...

"Don't go... don't leave... like everyone else... please... stay..."

Her anxiety abated. She understood fully what he wanted. She knew all too well what it felt like to feel abandoned and alone. Loneliness and emptiness were things she'd quite frankly gotten accustomed to over the years... but that didn't mean they didn't still hurt. Right now Gendo was hurting, and regardless of how much of a bastard he'd been, she understood and sympathized. "I'll stay..." she murmured softly, gently bringing her arms around him.

She didn't know how long it was that she laid there until he passed out. Only when she heard the sounds of drunken snoring did she extract herself from underneath his weight and leave the room. As she walked away after closing the door behind her she breathed a heavy sigh. Perhaps at no point in the entire time she'd known Gendo Ikari had her feelings for the man ever been so conflicted...

---

Asuka was wandering aimlessly through the halls of NERV with many thoughts weighing heavy on her mind. She'd accompanied Hikari to Touji's room but hadn't stayed with her all that long. She'd never been that close with him anyway and she appreciated that Hikari might want to have some time to visit him alone. Well... that was only part of it. The other part was just how damned jealous she felt. To look down at Touji laying there in a coma and see Hikari sitting there, talking to him and holding his hand just made her feel jealous. If that was her laying there then she wouldn't have anyone laying there looking after her, whispering how much they cared about her. If she was that bad off then she wouldn't have anyone there to miss her, that gave a shit about her at all... Seeing Hikari with Touji like that just made her feel alone. She had no one that loved her like that. No one gave that much of a damn about her...

She supposed that wasn't really true, but Rei, Shinji, Misato, and Kaji didn't care about her in the way she wanted them to care about her, that she wanted anyone to care about her. Rei was a friend who cared about her but she was first and foremost a comrade. Why would she care about her accomplishments with Eva when she was a pilot herself? Misato was like an annoying older sister and Kaji just saw her as a child. As for Shinji... Shinji was just a roommate, a platonic friend who got along with her and that she trusted, who she'd been able to open up with from time to time... but that wasn't enough. Who was there to comfort her when she felt low, to really comfort her? Who was there to hold her when she felt alone and scared? No one... there had been no one ever since mother had rejected her... and that emptiness remained.

Her thoughts drifted to her most recent loss in combat. Perhaps even worse than the ever present loneliness that permeated her being was the idea that if things continued as they were currently going that she wouldn't even be able to attain that meager surface validation she received through Eva. Who was going to praise her and tell her she was the best if it wasn't true anymore? Who was going to care about her at all if she couldn't even do her job, the one job that she'd judged her entire life by? No one... no one would be left. Nothing would be left... and the way ahead looked lonely.

Before she realized it, she found herself in the Eva cages, standing before the bandaged visage of Unit 01, the monster and machine that had taken Shinji into itself. This machine... this beast... it was something she'd lived in the shadow of ever since she'd come to Tokyo 03. She'd lived in the shadow of Shinji, and she hated that... but still she couldn't help but miss his presence.

Since he'd been gone, the apartment had felt so empty. The last two mornings without him around had been so awfully quiet. There had been no fresh coffee when she'd finished her morning bath and there had been no playful teasing or sarcastic banter at the table while she'd eaten her morning toast. She hated feeling this way... missing someone who would never give her the affections she wanted or be there as anything more than a friend and a roommate. She scowled at the grinning face of Unit 01. She hated thinking about him like this, especially when she considered her closest friend's feelings for him...

She turned her head to the right and noticed that she wasn't alone. A few feet away was Rei, staring up at the face of Unit 01 just like she had been moments ago. "Hey..." she called out. "How long have you been here?"

"Not... long..." Rei replied, her gaze remaining fixed on Unit 01.

It wasn't surprising at all that Rei would be here. After all, Shinji was trapped in the Eva... "How come you weren't in school today?" Asuka returned.

Even from a distance she could perceive Rei's lip quivering. "I didn't feel up to it..." the blue haired girl murmured softly.

Asuka could see the streams of tears moving down her cheeks and the pained expression on the blue haired girl's face. She frowned at the sight. Seeing her friend like this was not pleasant. Was there ever a time that she'd seen Rei cry? When was the last time she herself had shed a tear? "Hey, are you alright?" she asked.

Rei still didn't look her way but instead crossed her arms across her chest and tucked her chin downward, hiding her eyes behind her bangs. "You were right..." she murmured softly. "I... I love him..."

Asuka's brows knit as she the memory of calling her out flashed back through her mind. It had taken her long enough to figure it out but... why was that upsetting? Rei had someone who cared about her and that she cared about, something that Asuka still found outside of her reach, so why was she looking so sad? Shouldn't she be happy? "Took you long enough," Asuka replied before going on to address her friend's tears. "What's wrong? Why are you crying about it?"

Rei flinched and seemed to wobble on her feet. "I... It- it hurts," she murmured shakily. "Everything hurts... It's so overwhelming and I don't know how to handle it..."

Asuka had a great deal of sympathy for that feeling. She herself felt rather overwhelmed by everything that had been going on. "Yeah..." she returned with a heavy sigh. "I get that. I'll admit that the last two battles have taken a toll on me..."

"I just want things to get better..." Rei whimpered, looking down at her feet.

Asuka's frown deepened and she turned her gaze back to the hideous face of Unit 01. "Yeah... I do too..." she muttered, pausing for a moment before continuing. "How long do you think it'll be until they pull Shinji out of this thing anyway?"

"I don't know..." Rei murmured. "I hope... not long..."

Asuka issued a wry smile in Rei's direction but the blue haired girl still hadn't looked her way. Part of her worried that she was drifting away, that she was angry at her for the wake up call she'd delivered the previous day. If that was the case, Asuka didn't know whether she wanted to apologize or further lash out at Rei. She didn't want one of the only friends she had to drift away... Then she noticed the bandages on the blue haired girl's right hand. "What happened to your hand?" she asked.

Rei turned to her with a pained expression before lifting her hand up and staring at it. "I... struck my mirror." she replied.

Asuka raised an eyebrow. This was puzzling. She'd never known Rei to prone to property destruction... "Why would you do that?" she asked.

Rei turned to her with the most pained display of longing she'd ever seen her wear. "I was upset," she replied. "About a lot of things..."

This conversation was really getting too heavy to handle. Perhaps she could lighten the mood with a bit of sarcasm? "You know that breaking a mirror is bad luck, right?" she stated, trying to force a bit of a grin.

Rei sighed shakily. "With my luck as it is... that doesn't matter..." she returned darkly.

It seemed like there was nothing she could do or say to cheer her friend up. That was a painful thought, especially because it felt like Rei was drifting away from her the same way it felt like Hikari was drifting away from her. She had to do something to reach her, something to close that distance. Even if Rei wouldn't be able to help her with her own insecurities and her own turmoil, being there for her could act as a distraction from it. "Hey..." Asuka murmured. "Do you want to stay the night at my place?"

Rei looked at her with a somber expression but after a moment her lips twitched upward and she wiped her eyes with the back of her wrist. "If it's not a bother..." she replied. "It does hurt... to be alone right now..."

Asuka found herself mirroring her friend's expression. Indeed. Indeed it did hurt to be alone, she knew that all too well. After all... she'd always been alone...

---

The walk back to Misato's apartment had been silent but quite unlike the comfortable silences that she'd often share with Shinji. As much as Rei wanted to talk to Asuka about what she'd been experiencing since the previous day she couldn't. There wasn't a doubt in her mind that the redhead would judge her in some way if she started expressing her worries, especially if she managed to pry the reasoning out of her. No... the secrets of her origins could not be revealed, at least... not now. She supposed that one day she might need to come clean, but that wasn't now, and hopefully that day was still a long way away...

Misato wasn't home from her shift at NERV when the two of them arrived at the apartment so it was just the two of them alone. Rei followed Asuka into the kitchen and sat down at the table, trying not to let her thoughts linger on the conversation with Dr. Aka- Ritsuko... or how much it had hurt to stand by Unit 01 knowing Shinji was trapped in there. She didn't know how it was possible to have tears left after how much weeping she'd done in the last twenty four hours... but sitting in the silence of the kitchen as Asuka used the washroom threatened to make her overflow again.

Soon enough Asuka emerged from the washroom. "Hey, you want some tea?" she asked.

Rei nodded. So many times she'd sat here and drank Shinji's tea, tea that she'd learned to make for herself from him... "That would be pleasant," she replied. "Thank you..."

Asuka smiled weakly. "Hope you don't mind it a little light," she returned. "I never got how Shinji likes his so strong and bitter."

Rei's frown deepened. "I never minded it..." she murmured softly.

Asuka huffed, blowing a piece of her hair away from her face as she smile fell away. "Well... I guess I'll just put sugar in mine and make it his way..." she replied.

Rei bit the inside of her lip. It was very kind of her to offer this but she didn't want to be a bother to her friend. "You don't have to..." she returned softly.

Asuka waved her hand dismissively. "Please, it's fine," she returned with a hint of snark creeping into her tone. "Besides, with how tired you look, you probably need it strong right now."

Rei looked down at the table top and shifted in her seat, feeling so very grateful that she had people in her life that cared about her... even if the one she cared for most was missing right now. Her friendship with Asuka was something she'd truly come to cherish. To think that in the other world they'd been so hostile to one another... "Thank you," she replied softly.

Once again there was silence between the two of them but for the sound of the tea kettle heating up on the stove. After a while Asuka poured two cups of tea and handed her one which Rei gingerly took, careful not to spill it. "Do you want to watch TV or something?" Asuka asked, standing at the side of the table and sipping her cup.

It seemed like a good idea. It was a way to be close to a friend and not have to talk about anything uncomfortable... maybe that was why people did that kind of thing so often. It was a good vehicle to maintain the status quo in interpersonal relationships... "Sure," Rei replied, staring down into the steaming deep green tea in her cup.

Asuka wasted no time in moving for the living room, patting her lightly on the shoulder as she passed. "Come on then," she stated. "No use sitting there and sulking."

Rei nodded and stood up from the table and followed her out of the kitchen. "Yeah..." she murmured. The redhead did have a point, there was no point in just sulking... but she just couldn't help it. The feeling of emptiness and longing was just too painful...

Rei sat down with her feet tucked under her rear beside Asuka who sat down beside her after turning the TV on to some game show that she'd never seen before. She didn't care what was on, it was just background noise to keep away the thoughts that wouldn't stop racing through her mind. Those thoughts that Shinji would never come back, that he wouldn't accept her if he knew what she was, that she was incomplete as a woman, that the world was doomed no matter what she did... that was all she would have been thinking about if not for the competition on TV.

"What do you think of this one?" Asuka asked, referring to what was on the television. "Ever seen this show before?"

Rei shook her head and sipped down more of her tea. "No," she replied, her frown unwavering.

Asuka sighed. "Well... I'm getting bored," she grumbled. "Wanna play a video game or something?"

That caught Rei by surprise. There were games that could be played on the television? "Video game?" she asked, perplexed by the statement.

Asuka looked at her with a raised eyebrow. "Wait, are you serious right now?" she asked. "You don't know what video games are?"

Rei shook her head. "Should I?"

Asuka cracked a smile and snickered. "Jesus Christ you're sheltered aren't you?" she teased.

Rei once again looked down at the cup of tea in her hands. "That is a fair assessment..." she replied softly.

Asuka wasted no time in standing up and walking over to the television stand and the opening the cabinet below it. Rei watched as she pulled some sort of electrical device out from under the TV and plugged it into the back of it. She changed the channel to a setting displaying a blue screen and then hit a switch on the device she'd just plugged in. After that she moved back to where she'd been sitting before, handing her some kind of hand held device with buttons and triggers on it. In a way, it reminded her a little of the control columns on either side of the seat in her entry plug. "I think this will provide a nice distraction from everything, right?" Asuka replied, mashing a button on the device in her hand.

Rei looked to the television and witnessed the screen change, displaying a menu of some kind. She sat there as Asuka explained what the game was, some kind of racing game with levitating jet cars called F-Zero. She listened to Asuka explain the basic controls and select a virtual course for the two of them to compete in without saying a word. They began playing and Rei found herself able to figure out the command inputs well enough after a few runs at it. After multiple matches and quite some time, she finally spoke again. "This reminds me of the simulators with the Eva..." she murmured softly.

Asuka chuckled. "Well... I guess those are a kind of video game in a way," she replied. "Just higher stakes. This one is just for fun, y'know?"

Rei nodded. It was pleasant really, being able to do something like that and just... turn her mind off to the world around her. "Yeah..." she murmured. "I am enjoying this..."

"Well, good," Asuka returned with a playful smirk. "Because you're never gonna you win one!"

They continued playing for quite some time, how long exactly Rei didn't care. It was a distraction. It was something to keep her mind off of all the heavy realizations she'd experienced in the last couple days. Eventually she heard the door to the apartment open and footsteps coming from down the hall. "I'm home," she heard Misato call out in a tired tone of voice as she drew nearer. "Sorry I took so long getting home ah- hey, Rei, are you staying for dinner?"

Rei turned around to see Misato looking down at her with a kind smile but her eyes held a deep sadness, a sadness similar to the one she herself was experiencing. She opened her mouth to speak but Asuka beat her to it. "Rei's staying the night," she stated flatly.

Misato's smile wavered for a moment before widening with a distinctively somber quality. "Well... the two of you don't have school tomorrow," she said softly. "But don't stay up too late, okay?"

"We won't," Asuka replied.

Rei nodded in agreement but she wasn't sure if she would be able to sleep after everything she'd just gone through and was still going through. "We won't..." she added softly.

---

Asuka lay in her bed, staring up at the ceiling of her room. Sleep wasn't coming easy for her even though playing F-Zero with Rei until midnight had done a lot to suppress her angst filled thought, at least until it was time for bed.

She'd offered Rei the option of sleeping in Shinji's room but she had refused, stating that even though he was gone it was still his space and it wouldn't be right for her to intrude it. That said, she'd laid out a futon beside her own bed in her room and that was where Rei was presently, presumably sleeping by now. The blue haired girl's sentiment in regards to staying in Shinji's room was somewhat understandable but still they had no idea if Shinji was ever coming back. This just got her thinking about how their friendship had been strained because of him up until now and how it was very possible that the only reason Rei was here now was because she missed him.

It hurt to think about it, but they'd been drifting apart. Both of them had been drifting farther and farther away since around the time of that big spherical Angel with another dimension for a stomach. Rei and Shinji had been getting closer and she was being left behind. It hurt to think that her closest friend was only here right now because she was hurting because the one she really wanted to spend time with was gone.

It made her wonder if she could really talk to Rei about her problems. It was entirely possible that as soon as she did Rei would push her away as soon as she started talking about them. Rei had enough of her own to deal with but still! She needed to vent! She needed someone who would listen to her and be there to offer words of encouragement and understanding...

But that just wasn't something she could trust anyone enough to allow, not even Rei... not even Shinji...

She grit her teeth and rolled over on her side. No. She had to be strong and shove it all down. If she didn't then what was she? She was still the best of the best, the elite, the pilot of Unit 02... no matter what happened she would always be that. At the next harmonics test, at the next synchronization test, in the next battle, she'd prove to herself that she wasn't losing her edge. She'd prove to everyone that she was worth something and that all the doubt she was feeling about herself was folly.

"Hey... Asuka..." Rei murmured from the futon beside the bed. "Are you awake?"

Asuka frowned. "Yeah, for now..." she muttered.

"Thank you again..." Rei spoke in a nervous whisper. "For letting me stay here tonight..."

A hint of a smile wormed its way onto Asuka's lips. Just because she had to maintain that front of confidence and arrogance for the world to respect her didn't mean that having a friend near wasn't pleasant, even if she could never really confide in them... "Don't mention it..." she replied softly. "Get some sleep, Rei..."

"Alright," Rei returned softly. "Goodnight..."

"Night..." Asuka returned, her scowl returning. Even if she could never really confide in anyone her fears and her woes it would be really nice if there was someone out there with whom she could...

---

At first there had been nothing, simply empty blackness all around. Then, after an indeterminate period of time lights had begun to appear as ripples amid the darkness. This too had carried on for an uncertain amount of time. Nothing was certain, nothing in the world, not even himself...

Where am I? he thought. What is this place?

The ripples in the darkness began to brighten, filling his world with a dim orange glow. An image began to be cast in his vision or... was it in his mind? He couldn't tell where it was coming from, whether within or without, but he recognized the shape before him.

The entry plug of Unit 01? he thought, confused.

Yes... the last thing he could remember was he'd been fighting that Angel, to save everyone at NERV, to save Rei. Why was he still here? What happened to the Angel? Why was the plug empty but for his white shirt and black slacks?

There's no one here... not even myself... he thought, the confusion mounting.

He had to go deeper... he needed to understand exactly what was happening to him..

The vision he was experiencing began to change. Images began coming and going in rapid fire. There was faces, faces of people he knew. He recognized them all. Touji, Horaki, Misato, Asuka, Ritsuko, father...

Rei...

I care about these people... he thought, his anxiety beginning to mount. I need to return to them. I need to keep fighting for them, so they can live... so they can be happy...

"Is this why you fight?"

The voice took him by surprise, he had no idea where it was coming from. It was a woman's voice that he hadn't heard before. It sounded like it was coming from everywhere all at once which only added to his nervous state. Then the images he was experiencing began to change. He began seeing memories of the times he'd fought the Angels, his enemy, the enemy that had caused himself and everyone around him so much pain. The satisfaction he'd felt at being victorious once the fear of battle had left him came roaring back. That feeling of accomplishment was such a rush, it always had been... even if it didn't outweigh the pain...

"Yes..." he spoke confidently... except for he didn't speak. It was like thinking but out loud...

The images began to change. He saw images of when he and Asuka had trained together and gotten to know each other before fighting the twin Angels. He saw the memory of when Misato had embraced him after he'd been trapped for hours within that one Angel's pocked dimension. He saw the moment Rei had smiled and cried when he'd pulled her out of her entry plug... maybe that was when he'd begun to love her...

"Is this why you fight?" the voice spoke again.

"Yes..." he spoke again, his voice amid this void filled with longing.

"So you fight for the praise and acceptance of others?" the voice spoke.

"Yes..." he spoke once more.

In rapid fire he experienced the memory of when Touji struck him. He remembered how derisive Asuka had been when they'd first met. He remembered how superficially caring Misato had been at first... but none of that was as bad as what came next. Images of his father's disapproving gaze bearing down at him consumed everything around him. Images of the time he'd told him to leave if he didn't pilot the Eva came to him with all the emotional weight it had had in the moment. The words he'd said to him at his mother's grave rang in his ears...

"Doesn't it get tiring?" the voice spoke.

Sadness began to mount. It did get tiring being judged by others. It was tiring trying to do his best for other people and getting so little in return. As much as he cared for everyone around him, did they ever care about him the same way he had for them? Did they have the same kind of... love for him that he had for them? It was a question he couldn't answer...

"It does..." he murmured softly.

He felt a pair of arms envelop him, or rather... his consciousness. Did he even have a body in this void or whatever plain of existence he was currently inhabiting? He didn't know... he didn't care.

"Then stay here... Shinji..." the voice spoke again.

Somehow the voice and the sensation caressing his mind and soul felt like bliss. Part of him wanted to fight it, knowing deep down that it wasn't a real happiness, but he was too tired to fight against it. He'd done enough fighting. It was time he just... rested for a while. He closed his eyes and allowed the darkness to fill his world once again, letting it wash everything away, even thought itself...

---

Author's notes

This, as with the previous chapter has been a moment that I've been looking forward very much to getting on the page since I conceptualized the story in full. Hopefully the moment between Gendo and Fuyutsuki doesn't come as too much of a shock, the foreshadowing has been there for quite some time. The fallout of this incident will have widespread effects on the story as a whole going forward, I can promise you that...

I must say, Rei's simultaneous relief and dismay about her genetics and ability to have children was as painful for me to write as it probably was for you to read. The poor girl is certainly going through a lot. Unfortunatly, it might be a while before she can get a hug from the person she wants to hug the most. It's definitely going to take a while for her to come to terms with who and what she is.

Perhaps the most important development for the overall plot however is the fact that Kaworu is coming to Tokyo 03 quite early. Also, in case it isn't made clear enough by his inner thoughts during both his introduction in 34 and his scene in this chapter, this Kaworu is Manga Kaworu...

Personally, of all the iterations of the character, I personally prefer his Manga version to be the most compelling and interesting incarnation. As opposed to a mere plot device or symbol for unconditional love (platonic or otherwise) he's presented as a complex and flawed character. Manga Kaworu finds human emotion perplexing and frustrating, is torn between destiny and free will, and experiences quite an arc in the process. Bring out your torches and pitchforks if you must, but this is simply my opinion. Also, for my purposes, this makes him the potential to become more dynamic as a character, and I think it's obvious that I enjoy characters changing and growing over time...

Please read and review my dear friends!

Regards,

A.F.