Chapter 38 – Sextant And Anchor
Rei was walking side by side with Asuka on the way to school. The past week had been difficult and it wasn't getting any easier to cope with the ache in her heart. The salvage operation to rescue Shinji was still nineteen days away and it couldn't come soon enough. Sure, spending the afternoons playing video games with Asuka and staying over at Misato's apartment when she could so she wasn't alone helped a little bit but the thoughts and fears wouldn't go away. They probably wouldn't go away even when Shinji came back, if he came back... but at least he'd be near her again and she could feel that warmth of his.
No... she'd gone over it many times. She wouldn't try to move their relationship from where it stood when they had last seen one another. The fear of rejection was simply too great. If he were to find out what she was, that she was made from a monster with a tank filled with her clones in the bowels of NERV then he would run away. Besides... even if he didn't then what was the point of starting a... romantic relationship if the world was just going to end soon. She still had no idea if Commander Ikari was still considering his plans. All she knew was what Dr. A- Ritsuko... it was still so hard calling her that even in her mind considering all the memories she had of the other world... All she knew was that Ritsuko had told her the last time they'd spoken. If and when she could confess her feelings it wouldn't be considered a taboo.
Another point of concern, on top of everything else that was worrying her, Asuka seemed to be withdrawing into herself little by little. She'd noticed it a few days ago when she'd tried to start a conversation on the way home from school. She'd tried to get her friend to open up about what was troubling her, even pressing to see if it had something to do with her loss against the last Angel, but Asuka had dismissed the idea that anything was bothering her even though it was obvious something was. Funny... not that long ago she herself would have been the one avoiding conversation and being dismissive of her own feelings. The irony was not lost on her.
That said, even though she was over at Misato's apartment regularly once again, like how she had been when Shinji was still around, it didn't feel comfortable anymore, even though playing games to distract herself was comfortable in and of itself. The atmosphere in the apartment was tense and she noted that Misato was also withdrawing, keeping herself in her room most of the time that she wasn't at NERV or visiting Kaji. Everyone it seemed was pulling apart without the glue known as Shinji to keep them all together.
No matter how she looked at it, the way ahead looked lonely...
"So, it's Saturday..." Asuka spoke softly, staring off into the distance ahead. "We don't have school tomorrow. Are you going to stay over today?"
"If you don't mind..." Rei responded quietly. With everything that was happening the silence of her own apartment was unbearable. Even if it was a tense atmosphere at Misato's, at least she was around people she cared about and cared about her...
"I don't," Asuka replied, still not looking her way. "What game should we play today?"
Rei looked down at the sidewalk. "It doesn't matter to me..." she returned. "Whatever you decide."
Asuka frowned. "Honestly I don't really care at the moment," she replied. "I'll pick something when we get there."
"Alright..." Rei murmured softly. Perhaps it was a good idea to change the subject to something else, perhaps something Asuka was at one point enthusiastic about. The fear that she was deteriorating in the same way she had in the other world was troubling. The answer to the question she was going to ask would be telling... "Are you prepared for the harmonics test that Dr. Akagi scheduled for tomorrow?"
Asuka sighed and her lips curved down into a frown. "Yeah," she grumbled. "I'm prepared for it... It's about time we got back to some kind of normal routine at NERV..."
Rei's brow furrowed. It wasn't what Asuka said that was concerning, she would agree that routine was needed, but rather how she said it. She sounded dismissive, as if the test that was scheduled for the next day was an annoyance. There was also a bit of worry hidden in the redhead's tone. It was exactly the kind of response that she didn't want to hear from her... "It would be nice..." she replied.
Silence fell between the two of them and Asuka pulled a few feet ahead as they continued walking Rei bit the inside of her lip, all sorts of thoughts churning about and making it hard to focus on striding forward. It seemed like Asuka was indeed starting toward losing her connection to the Eva... that was very concerning. If Asuka fell to the point she had in the other timeline by the time the final Angels arrived... Rei shuddered to think about what could happen. The memory of facing the eleventh Angel, of... dying to it, was something she did not want to repeat, especially since she wasn't certain if she'd come back from it...
Her gaze drifted down to the pavement as her heart began to pound. That familiar shaking in her hands was coming on too... All these thoughts added to the weight already on her shoulders. It was getting hard to focus on her goals. It was getting harder and harder to focus on anything except getting through the next day. Just... surviving as best she could for as long as she could... even if it was a losing battle.
"Hey, are you good, Rei?" Asuka's voice shook her back to reality.
Rei looked up and met Asuka's gaze, feeling genuinely puzzled until she realized how far ahead Asuka had gotten. She was easily five meters away... "I am," she lied. "Why do you ask?"
Asuka raised an eyebrow. "Well, you stopped walking and stood there staring at the ground for one?" she replied, sounding uneasy.
Rei frowned and crossed her arms, looking down at the sidewalk once more. How had she not noticed that she'd stopped walking? It would appear she was becoming less and less capable of concealing her emotions and her fears as the stress continued to pile up... "I guess... I just have a lot on my mind..." she murmured in response.
Asuka frowned. "Look, we've been over this before," she huffed. "Shinji will be fine. They'll eventually get him out. Everything is fine..."
Rei closed her eyes and took a deep breath. But would he? Even if he did return safe what about the rest of the world? She was still no closer to effecting change large enough to disrupt Commander Ikari's plans... and even if she was then the people backing him would need to be stopped as well. It felt so hopeless. She was starting to feel that no matter what she did she would still lose... and that was a hard feeling to cope with. She supposed all she could do was just survive. All she could do was put one foot in front of the other and go through the motions until something changed. After all, she could change nothing anyway... "Yeah..." she muttered, as she resumed walking, falling in beside Asuka once more. "Everything is... fine..."
Another awful, piercing silence fell between the two of them as they resumed their march toward Misato's apartment. Rei stared forward as she kept her stride, trying to keep her hands from shaking from the existential dread she felt about the future. She needed noise. Where as silence had one been numbing now it accented her dread and loneliness. She needed a distraction. She needed noise to drown it out. If only she had a cassette player like Shinji had to block out the world...
It all seemed to futile, the very hope that change was even possible. Despite everything she'd done Shinji had still ended up in the Eva and she was no closer to thwarting Commander Ikari's plans. Even if his plans were defeated then there was still the people above him wanting their own vision for the end of the world to contend with. She was so small and insignificant, just one person. What could one person really do to stop these kinds of things. It had been ignorance and arrogance to even think she had a chance... All she could do was live the best she could and enjoy what friendships and connections she had until the inevitable end. For some reason though, that thought didn't bother her too much... It was better than moving onward into the unknown future never being fully human... never being able to... enjoy what came of that... Silently, as to not worry Asuka, she breathed a shaky sigh. What was the reason for things to be like this? Why had Yui-sama sent her to this world if there was nothing she could change? Was it just a sick game? Was it just retribution for the fact that she should never have been at all?
"I think I know what game we should play today..." Asuka muttered beside her, wrenching her from the silent world within her mind.
Rei turned her head and glanced at her friend. "What game?" she asked.
"Why don't we go a few rounds in Left 4 Dead?" Asuka asked. "Sound good?"
Rei looked ahead down the road. "I don't mind..." she murmured softly.
Except Rei did mind, her lips curving down into a deep frown. Of all the games she'd played with Asuka that was the one she enjoyed the least, that produced no catharsis or distraction from her situation. The concept of zombies was one that struck an unpleasant chord with her. Zombies were empty shells, soulless things in the form of men and women. They appeared like people but were not like people in mind or in nature. They were... other. They were monsters, monsters like herself... only good for being cannon fodder for the heroes of a story that they were a part of but wasn't their own. They reminded her of her own nature, that she wasn't human, that she had been born in a tube of LCL, her body pulled from a tank of identical clones and had a human heart shoved into that shell for the works of a madman...
Eventually the two of them reached the apartment and sat down side by side in front of the television. Silently and without passion or joy, Rei played the game beside Asuka. She shot at the infected legions, playing campaign after campaign for hours... After a while it did become cathartic but only after a long while. Perhaps it was because she started seeing her own face on the faces of the zombies. It was the only outlet for her self loathing that wouldn't be self destructive...
Eventually she found herself in bed, in the little futon Asuka provided for her, staring up at the ceiling, swirling in her own loneliness, anxiety, and depression. If only Shinji was there with her. Perhaps the only reason she hadn't sunk into the rut she was currently in was because of her attachment to him, his proximity, his warmth. Silently, before sleep took her, she said a prayer to whatever powers that might listen to her plight that she might see him again.
What would she give just to hold his hand again, to be in his presence, to feel his warmth again? Anything... everything... Even if nothing could change, if the world was doomed, she wanted to spend her last days beside the person she cared for most...
One week. It had been one week since he'd heard Fuyutsuki speak his piece... and everything was worse now...
Gendo hadn't left his quarters since that day. The thought of doing so had been too painful, too raw, to real to deal with... The moment he left those four walls he'd have to face the ugly reality that Fuyutsuki had dropped upon him with the force of the hammer of the gods. He'd hoped that by drinking he could block it all out and forget... but he remembered everything well enough upon awakening the next day, including making an ass of himself in front of Dr. Akagi... Frankly, he couldn't care about what rumors might spread if the word of his binge got out, he didn't care. After learning that Yui had chosen to leave him and Shinji forever for the sake of the world all he'd done for the first day was lay in bed, curled in a fetal position. This was partially due to his hangover, which was substantial, but mostly due the emotional gravity the revelation had caused him. He couldn't even shed tears over it. It was the lowest he'd ever felt... so all he could do was just lay there, catatonic.
But this didn't last forever, just like how nothing in life lasts forever. After days of laying there in bed, not eating, not drinking, not sleeping, eventually he started to analyze how he found himself exactly where he was, within these four walls in a prison of his own making... In a way he was back to his old games, piecing together scenarios, examining the finer detailed, except this time he was doing it in reverse. The results of this retroactive self analysis and pondering over the series of yesterdays until now was shocking and revolting... because it uncovered the ugly truth, of himself, of everything he'd experienced in the last ten years.
There had been moments that had found him pacing around his quarters feeling intense feelings of anger and fury towards Yui for what she'd done. Fuyutsuki was correct that had he known, had he had the slightest suspicion that she was going to let herself become one with the Evangelion that he would have done all in his power to stop her, not just for his sake but for Shinji's as well... She'd abandoned him and Shinji and that was infuriating and heartbreaking. However, upon thinking about it, he understood. She'd done it for a greater cause, because she must have believed that it must be done, for the sake of the world...
The irony was not lost on him.
He too had abandoned Shinji, but it was different... Yes, he'd left Shinji with a teacher so he could focus on his work but humanity's salvation was just a byproduct of his quest to bring Yui back, not the raison d'etre, unlike Yui's motivation. In addition to this... he'd been afraid of his son. He'd been afraid that he'd just hurt his son just like his own parents had hurt him, the way everyone except Yui had hurt him and rejected him... and yet by pushing him away he'd ensured that would happen.
Once again... the irony was palpable, along with a sense of time wasted...
All the time that he'd spent in his foolish crusade to bring Yui back he could have spent being a father. He could have spent that time working on himself. He could have given Shinji the life he deserved... and instead he'd spent all this time plotting and scheming to bring back his wife in ways that she would abhor. He'd pushed his son away out of fear and longing for what was lost out of fear that he'd hurt him and out of fear that he'd get hurt himself. In the process he'd used everything and everyone to chase a foolish dream.
He'd used Dr. Akagi and her mother, to the point that the elder Akagi had committed suicide. He'd allowed for the creation of Rei as a medium to enact his grotesque plans. He'd caused that poor girl so much heartache, conditioning her to be an unfeeling drone. He'd treated her as nothing but a tool when she was just as feeling and human as anyone else. Seeing how his son interacted with her had made him see that fully... and still he'd continued in his pursuits, blinded to the human cost. It filled him with nothing but regret. Everyone that he'd ever known and cared about had suffered because of him and his single minded, irrational dream. Shinji, Rei, Ritsuko... everyone... they'd all suffered because of him. He was no better than the old men, the psychopathic cultists that they were.
Things needed to change... there had to be a way to change course...
He'd done so many terrible things, things he could never mend, not with what little time to him was left before the end. What could he do in the face of that horrible truth? He'd concealed himself in such a shadowy blanket of lies and deceit that pulling himself out of it seemed impossible. It was so late in the game... what could he do to change course if anything? The world was doomed no matter what thanks to SEELE. There was no one with the cunning and capability to stop them...
Except himself.
It was the morning of his fifth day of isolation that Gendo finally reached this conclusion. He was the one best suited to the task. He was in the most capable to effect meaningful change... to carry out Yui's genuine wishes, to save humanity from itself. He was already the supreme commander of NERV and he'd already been playing the council and SEELE for fools. He was the one most knowledgeable about their plots and schemes, the one in the best position to thwart them, to beat them at their own game.
He had to do it... because it must be done.
Even so... he couldn't help but wonder what he would do in regards to his children. Yes... his children. He had to reconcile with them, mend what was broken, with both of them. Shinji was still trapped within Unit 01 so that was something he could wait to deal with but Rei? He had to do something about Rei...
After re contextualizing everything over the past week he couldn't lie to himself any longer. Rei was his daughter, the daughter he'd never had, and he'd treated her so incredibly poorly since her creation. He'd planned to use her to initiate the end of the world and bring about his version of Human Instrumentality. He'd used her as a tool and treated her as such... and that was something he could never atone for. But... there had to be a way to make up for it.
It took many hours of contemplation, staring up at the ceiling of his room on the sixth day until he finally found his answer.
After that, his new plan had taken shape relatively quickly. He was a master of planning and scheming after all... Now it was morning on the eighth day after receiving his news and he'd finally found the strength to leave his room and begin enacting his new course of action. Yui had been his anchor but now she would be his sextant, and guide him toward what must be done. It was the least he could do to make up for lost time and fulfill what she would have wanted...
Before leaving his quarters and returning to his office on the morning of the eighth day he reached into his bedside table and retrieved a set of glasses. They were clear, oval reading glasses, similar in shape to the sunglasses he'd used to tint the world and hide himself from others. He was done with that now, seeing the world through a tinted lens. From now on he would see the world clearly, and allow the burning light of truth to scar him as it should have all this time...
When he reached his office he marched straight to his desk and sat down. Ever the picture of managerial efficiency, he would waste no time in enacting his new plan. He set the receiver of his office phone against his ear, dialed a number, and waited.
"Yes?" Fuyutsuki's voice answered after the third ring.
"Meet me at my office this afternoon," Gendo ordered sharply, his voice even and holding that tone of cold command he'd long ago perfected. "Preferably during or after the scheduled harmonics test."
There was a pause before Fuyutsuki replied. "Alright..." he murmured softly.
Gendo hung up the phone without another word and linked his fingers together in front of his face as he usually did. For the first time since the fateful conversation with Fuyutsuki a smirk wormed his way onto his face. He could tell the older man was nervous by how he responded. He probably thought he was going to shoot him, but his intentions were far removed from something so petty.
Soon enough all would be revealed...
Asuka stood beside Rei and Misato as she awaited Dr. Akagi's debriefing on their harmonics test results. She knew that her scores would still be alright, passable... but she also knew that she knew from the way she'd been feeling in the simulation plug that she was slipping. Listening to Dr. Akagi's spiel wasn't necessary to understand that...
"The both of you are down from your previous results," the faux blonde scientist stated. "But you're both still within acceptable levels. Asuka, you've fallen by ten percentage points. Are you alright? Anything on your mind?"
Asuka grit her teeth and shook her head, trying her best to display no reaction. She'd learned well how to conceal her inner frustrations when it was necessary... "No," she lied through her teeth. "Nothing's bothering me."
Rei looked over at her with a sympathetic expression. "There's no shame in admitting you're under stress..." she stated softly, nervously even.
"Yeah," Misato added. "We've all been going through a lot..."
Asuka scowled. That was rich coming from Misato, considering she'd been blowing off steam with Kaji at any chance she got... "Just because I'm having a bad week doesn't mean that it will last..." she spat. "I'll be fine. My scores will go back up in no time!"
"Let's hope both of your scores do," Dr. Akagi stated gravely. "We have no idea when the next Angel will show up and the two of you need to be in top condition if we hope to defeat it. The last battle nearly did us in. We can't allow a situation like that to happen again..."
Asuka's scowl deepened as she stared down at the floor, balling her fists at her side. Dr. Akagi was right. A situation like the last Angel attack couldn't happen again. She wouldn't allow it to happen again. Whenever the next Angel showed up she had to kick it's ass to make up for how bad she'd humiliated herself against he last one. That was motivation enough to make sure something so embarrassing didn't happen again! "It's not like we could mount a defense anyway!" she huffed. "My Unit 02 is still damaged, right?"
"That's true, but it will be repaired by next week," Dr. Akagi replied. "The same for Unit 00. We need to be at the utmost readiness, even if one of our pilots isn't available."
Asuka snarled and glared at the blonde bitch, her insecurities pouring out of her in a torrent. The past week and a half of stewing in her feelings of defeat and inferiority were overflowing... "Fine!" she exploded. "Just keep on shoving it all on me! Whatever! I'm better than that invincible Shinji even now anyway!"
"Asuka..." Rei murmured.
"Asuka!" Misato scolded, grabbing at her arm. "What's gotten into you!?"
Asuka shoved her away and snarled at her. It was all too much. She didn't want them to see her like this. She wouldn't be pitied. She wouldn't be treated like some dumb fucking kid! "Get off me!" she roared, stalking out of the room. "Just leave me alone!"
"Asuka! Come back here this instant!" Misato shouted after her.
She heard her but she wouldn't listen. She needed to leave and get away from all of the bullshit. She needed to get away from all the patronizing crap that her status laid upon her. It sickened her. When she was an asset everyone praised her and venerated her but the minute she started expressing the angst she'd always felt she was treated like a petulant child. She was done with it. Fuck them and their expectations right now. All she wanted to do was be alone like she'd always been.
No one was there who understood her feelings, no one cared about her problems, no one was there who gave a shit about her except for what she could do for them! Even Rei... Rei didn't even protest when Misato had scolded her. Rei was just hanging around with her because Shinji wasn't there for her to cuddle up with. She couldn't take it anymore. The only thing people wanted from her was her ability to pilot, that's why people cared about her, that's why anyone cared about her, and if she lost that she was nothing.
That was why she couldn't handle the news that she was slipping...
She made her way to the changing rooms and changed into her civilian clothes as quick as she could. After that she marched to the Eva bays and stood before the hulking form of her Unit 02. The sight was certainly one that stirred a whole slew of emotions, feelings of pride and sadness, hopelessness and drive all at once.
The repair team had reattached its head but its arms were still missing. Seeing her Eva like that and knowing it was because she hadn't been fast enough or strong enough or good enough to win the last time pissed her off. It also filled her with fire to do better.
"I won't lose again..." she growled under her breath. "I'll never lose again. I won't let you or anyone else let me lose again..."
She repeated it over and over again. She wouldn't lose again. She wouldn't lose again. She wouldn't lose ever, ever again...
"So... how are you?" the faux blonde scientist asked.
"I'm well enough..." Rei murmured softly in reply from where she sat in the spare chair Ritsuko kept in her office. The doctor had requested she accompany her for a little chat after the harmonics test and Asuka's outburst. She was grateful for it. Ritsuko was the only person who understood all the little nuances of what she was dealing with that she didn't have to keep the secret of Yui-sama's gift hidden from.
Ritsuko issued a sympathetic smile. "I can tell that's not true..." she replied.
Rei bowed her head, the memory of the last time she sat in this chair flashing in her mind's eye. "The past week has been... difficult I will admit," she replied. "But there's nothing that can be done about it..."
Ritsuko frowned and shifted in her seat. "Yeah..." she replied. "I think it's been difficult for everyone..."
Something about the way she said those words perked Rei's interest. It almost seemed like she wanted to share some new information but wasn't sure how to word it. "Is there something on your mind, Ritsuko-san?" she asked.
Ritsuko sighed, pulled a cigarette out of the pack on her desk, and lit it. "There is," she muttered as she blew out a plume of smoke before speaking firmly, decisively. "Something... something happened the day we did your genetics testing."
Rei tilted her head to the side, curious as to what she was alluding to. "What occurred?" she asked.
Ritsuko took another long drag of her cigarette and turned away from her, blowing out a plume of smoke over her shoulder with a frown. "The day we did your genetic testing... I visited Commander Ikari in his room..." she muttered darkly. "He was in an... unstable state of mind..."
Rei stiffened and her eyes widened, thoughts beginning to race through her mind. What did that mean? What could had destabilized the commander? Surely he wouldn't be moving to advance his scenario while there were still Angels remaining... "Unstable state of mind?" she asked nervously.
Ritsuko nodded. "Indeed..." she replied with a deepening scowl.
There was an awkward pause. "How so?" Rei pressed after a moment, fidgeting with the hem of her skirt as he anxiety began to mount. Ritsuko's seeming evasiveness was worrisome. Had the commander somehow managed to turn her against her? Could she still trust Dr. Akagi? All sorts of horrible possibilities were running through her mind. She bit her lip and looked down at her knees, inwardly preparing herself for whatever horrible news she was about to receive.
Dr. Akagi sighed. "He was... drunk," she replied with a conflicted expression. "I went to see him to... I don't know, to give him a piece of my mind I guess... but when I found him he was laying on the floor, a complete drunken mess."
Of anything that Ritsuko could have said, that was something Rei could never have predicted. "W- what?" she stammered, unable to restrain her sense of total surprise.
The faux blonde nodded and let out a little wry laugh, a cynical smile taking shape on her lips. "Surprising, I know..." she muttered. "I'd never seen him like that. Hell, I didn't even think he drank..."
Rei wasn't savvy to the commander's alcohol consumption but she knew that drinking to excess could very well be a sign of inner turmoil. Misato was more often than not confirmation of that general rule... but what did it mean in regards to Commander Ikari? "Why do you think he was drinking?" she asked.
Ritsuko shook her head and ashed her cigarette in the tray on her desk. "I don't know," she replied. "But he was rambling about his wife and how everything was pointless. It could be cause for concern..."
Rei's brow furrowed. "How so?" she inquired.
Ritsuko looked at her with a gravely serious expression before tucking her chin and crossing her arms. "Well... it could be an indicator of potentially irrational behavior to come," she replied.
Rei wasn't liking where she was going with this... "Meaning?" she pressed.
Ritsuko once again looked at her and smiled somberly. "I don't know," she replied. "Perhaps he might attempt to initiate his plans ahead of schedule?"
Rei got the sense that there was something she wasn't saying but that statement seemed like one born from genuine concern. "Impossible..." she murmured. "Not all of the Angels have been defeated..." But... did they need to be for his plan to succeed? No, that was impossible...
Ritsuko sighed. "I know that's not likely, but I would still be worried about him doing something erratic if I were you..." she muttered.
Rei tilted her head to the side, curious as to what she meant. "What do you mean?" she asked.
Ritsuko fidgeted in her chair and took another firm drag off of her cigarette. "To be honest, I don't know what I'm saying..." she murmured. "I'm just worried he might do something rash. Let me know if he reaches out to you, okay?"
Rei nodded. "Alright," she replied. What on earth could he want to see her or talk to her about? Why would he suddenly delve into alcoholism? For what purpose would that serve to advance his goals? These were questions that Rei simply couldn't answer... but it didn't seem too pressing. There were still Angels left to defeat before he could use her to end the world. Instead there were more pressing matters. "Personally, I'm a bit more worried about Asuka's mental state than Commander Ikari's, considering her outburst today," she continued, changing the subject.
Risuko snubbed her cigarette. "Why?" she asked. "Asuka's always been a bit temperamental. What makes today's outburst stand out?"
Rei fidgeted with the edge of her skirt. "In the other world, it was around this time that Asuka's mental state began to collapse. She wasn't even able to pilot her Eva by the end..." she confessed. "I fear that she is heading down that path and there is nothing I can do to stem the flow toward that end..."
Ritsuko regarded her once again with a stony expression. "Well... that is concerning," she replied.
Rei nodded. "It is..." she murmured.
Ritsuko sighed. "We'll face that hurdle when the time comes," she returned. "For now, all you can do is be her friend and try to talk with her. We still need to get Shinji back..."
Rei bit her lip and looked down at her feet. This was very true, but Asuka wasn't the kind of person who talked about her insecurities and she knew that trying to force her to do so would accomplish nothing other than push her away. What Ritsuko was saying was also true... they still needed to accomplish the salvage operation. She closed her eyes. Once Shinji came back, if he came back, then things would be just a little bit better...
Even if in the end it would probably change nothing...
The door to his office opened and in stepped Vice Commander Fuyutsuki. Gendo sat in his usual trademarked position with his mouth hidden behind his gloves as he waited for the older man to approach his desk. From his gait he could tell that his confidant was nervous, understandably so, considering how their last conversation had gone. Fuyutsuki stopped a few meters away from his desk, his posture rigid and tense and Gendo said nothing, waiting for the older man to make the first move. For his deception, he thought it fitting if he allowed him to squirm inwardly for a bit before he made his move.
"You wanted to speak with me, Ikari?" Fuyutsuki spoke, his otherwise even voice betraying just the slightest amount of fear.
"I did," Gendo returned softly but firmly.
There was a long pause before Fuyutsuki spoke again. "You've changed your glasses," he stated.
Gendo couldn't help but smirk behind his gloves. Perceptive as ever, the old professor was... "I have," he returned. "It was time for a change..."
"So... what is it you wanted to speak with me about?" Fuytutsuki inquired.
Gendo stood up from his desk and stared Fuyutsuki in the face with a stern expression. As much as he wanted to despise the old man for keeping such a secret from him, he still needed him. He needed him to for his... revised scenario to work. "Follow me," he ordered, heading straight for the door to his office. "We will speak elsewhere."
As he drew closer to the door, Gendo thought for a moment that Fuyutsuki wouldn't follow him but as he reached the entrance to the hallway he began to hear the telltale sounds of shoes clacking on marble. He couldn't help but smirk as he stepped into the shadowy hallway. He could tell that the professor was worried and he was relishing every minute of it. After all, even if his aims had shifted, he still enjoyed the art of deception.
Besides, it had been a while since he'd won a game of shogi against the older man...
Kaji moved silently through the narrow, black hallways in the bowels of Central Dogma after exiting the elevator he'd been riding in, his ears tuned to any sound out of place in the eerie silence. He had Fujita to think for pointing out patrols on the security cameras and helping him to disable some of the key identification checkpoints as he'd made his way into the depths. He'd already explored the deepest place before, Terminal Dogma, the place where Adam was held, but there were other secrets within the higher levels of headquarters that he'd yet to witness and witness them he would. His mission was to unravel the truth after all, and nothing and no one would obstruct him from that goal...
Currently he was looking into the Dummy System and what composed it. He knew from his research on the Evangelions themselves and how they functioned that it had to be organic based but what actually composed it? He needed to know and understand if there was any way to shut it down from outside it, and the sooner the better, considering he'd been informed through various sources that the Third Branch in Germany had conducted a successful activation with Evangelion Unit 05, which was still purportedly under construction... To do this, he figured it would be best to go directly to the source of where they were produced and have a look around. Considering his credentials had been revoked if he was spotted down where he was presently he would certainly lose his life but thankfully he had a little bit of help in accomplishing his mission.
"What do you see? Over," Fujita's voice whispered over the microphone in his earpiece.
"Nothing yet," Kaji replied quietly. "I'll let you know what I see as I go."
"Fair enough," Fujita returned. "Just be sure to stay out of sight. I've replaced the camera feeds with a loop but if someone sees you then we're screwed."
"Not a problem," Kaji stated as he scanned the hallway ahead. "We're both professionals after all."
"Roger. This is true," Fujita replied. "Going silent for now. Watch your ass. Fujita, over and out."
"You too. Maintaining radio silence. Kaji, out," he returned as he tiptoed down the hallway and pushed through the door at the end.
There hadn't been any security this deep in the depths which told him one of two things; either this place wasn't one that was visited often and therefore didn't warrant patrols or it was only accessible to the most privileged of NERV personnel. Either one of those options made this place worthy of further investigation but it also heightened the risks. If it was the latter then he could expect to be shot on sight... but regardless of that risk he pressed onward and opened the door at the end of the corridor he'd been stalking through.
The hallway he entered took him further into the depths. Most of the doors along the hall appeared like old abandoned offices or medical examination rooms. Most of the doors were shut but quite a few were carelessly left open. A thin layer of dust permeated everything in the hall. Yes... it was clear that this area had not seen use in some time. If he'd had more time to investigate he might have picked the locks to see what documents may have been left in the abandoned ones but... the most interesting door lay toward the end of the hall. The plaque on the door read thus...
Test Subject Living Quarters...
What did it mean? Who or what was the test subject in question? Did it have something to do with how the First Child, Rei Ayanami's records were an enigma? The only way to discover what it meant was to go on inside and find out. Kaji looked down at the key card lock and frowned. He'd hoped it wouldn't come to this but... he reached into his pocket and pulled out a tool he'd had fabricated for this kind of situation...
He'd managed to sneak into Ritsuko's office while she wasn't there, pilfered one of her key cards, and have a copy made for just such an occasion. Hopefully this place was accessible to her, otherwise the trouble he'd gone to would be for nothing. He ran the card through the lock and held his breath...
And the door unlocked...
Kaji wasted no time in pushing it open and stepping inside to reveal a mostly barren room. In the middle of it lay a medical bed too small for an adult and a moving curtain along with various other decayed medical equipment. On the concrete walls were written various words in English, most prominent among them being "strangeness" painted on the wall closest the door. Indeed, this was a strange place, one that he couldn't make sense of. What did it all mean? Who was the test subject? Why had they been kept living in such an ominous place?
No answers could be discerned from the remains of the equipment. There were no discarded documents to look at nor were there any file cabinets to look through. Clearly it had been a long time since this room had been used, five years or more he estimated considering the level of dust. He had to continue onward and see what other things lay ahead...
Upon exiting the room he continued down the hall until reaching a small elevator at the end of the hall. This one appeared to need a key card to access it which told him that whatever was on the lower levels was something that NERV preferred to keep secret. Kaji pulled out the pilfered access card from his pocket once more and swiped it. As soon as he did the doors to the elevator slid open he slipped inside and slid his hand into his jacket, palming the butt of his handgun. Taking an elevator in his profession was always a dangerous task. Not knowing what would be on the other side of a set of elevator doors could mean one's demise if not prepared to go hot.
When the doors opened, he found himself in another dimly lit hallway but this one looked much less desolate. There weren't any doors ajar and there was no dust lingering on the floor or in the air. This place had been visited recently, how recently he couldn't know. Soon enough he reached the end of the hall and what greeted him at the end of it took him totally by surprise...
Ahead was nothing but a railing ringing a small platform, a huge drop behind it into an absolutely colossal space. When he stepped to the edge he took sight of what was below him by about one hundred meters... There was an enormous pit in the shape of a giant crucifix surrounded by smaller circular pits. These things appeared to be lit from below, issuing an ominous dim red orange glow that wasn't bright enough to add definition of the black walls and ceilings of the cavernous room. Inside those pits were... remains. This must be where NERV disposed of Eva components and where the prototype unit had been created. Giant bones and scraps of welded steel littered all through the pits in macabre display of decay. Even after seeing Unit 01 going nuts just over a week ago, seeing something like this was still unsettling. One would think he would have become desensitized to something like this by now, especially considering the kinds of things he'd been through post Second Impact...
To his left was another access hallway and he crept through it silently, making sure pause every so often to internalize the route he'd taken down here in case he needed to make a swift exit. This hallway had no doors at all on either side. There was no place to duck into and take shelter in should someone happen upon him. The only option would be to run or fight and the latter he was decidedly under equipped to survive. However, at the end of this dim, black hallway was his destination. At the end of the hall read these words above the door that the corridor terminated with...
Dummy Plug Research And Production.
He closed the distance to the door and once again used the key card he'd pilfered from Ritsuko's desk to get inside. It snapped open automatically and closed again seconds after he entered. Kaji had expected to find a room full of computers or a room with a whole bunch of file cabinets... anything but what the room contained.
Ahead was a few meters of hallway that terminated into a circular room that was even more dimly lit than the preceding corridor. The circular wall was lined with what looked like movable metal shutters but he could find no button or switch to lift them. The ceiling was very high, at least a dozen meters or so. Above his head was a massive web of tubing and wiring that was shaped almost like a human brain. That would have been puzzling enough but at the center of the room there was glass tube on a lifted platform surrounded by raised pipes that was connected at the top the brain like structure with what looked like a spinal column made of metal. The glass tube was filled with what looked like the LCL the Evas used and it looked just large enough for a person of shorter stature to stand up inside it... The only other thing in the room as a small computer console on a semicircular desk.
The questions were piling up through his mind. What was this place really? What really was the Dummy Plug system? Why was there a chamber that looked like it was made for a person? What was behind the shades in the room? The only way to find out the answers to any of those burning inquiries was to get into that computer on the desk... Kaji reached up and keyed his earpiece. "Fujita, come in, over..." he whispered.
"I copy," Fujita replied. "What's your status? What do you see?"
"I've found the room the Dummy System was developed in..." he returned, striking the enter key on the keyboard which caused the dormant computer screen to flash to life. "There's a computer terminal in here. Currently trying to get access to the files related the program. How's my cover?"
"Alright," Fujita replied. "Nothing suspicious on the cameras up here, but there are no security cameras on the level you're on."
Kaji frowned at the screen in front of him. Of course there would be a password to protect this but he doubted it would be Ritsuko's regular one... but he couldn't call it quits. Might as well try it and hope that it didn't cause an alert for being entered incorrectly. "I noticed," Kaji replied. "Which means they'll probably do more than just tell me to leave if they find me down here."
"Lucky you," Fujita quipped. "Good thing I'm up here then. Just make sure to give me the password to your files if you get got."
Kaji sighed, relieved that the password he'd typed didn't set off and alarm even if it didn't unlock the computer. "I told you, once I have the big picture, I'll let you in on it. You get nothing until then," he replied.
"Remind me why I signed on to this deal?" Fujita huffed.
"Because your bosses and the JSSDF want to bomb this place and everyone in it," Kaji countered, trying another password on the terminal. If he kept this up there would certainly be an alert but he just couldn't resist. He needed to know the secrets this machine contained... "You included if they don't tell you when they get the go ahead."
"Fair enough," Fujita returned with a chuckle. "You're a smooth talking motherfucker, you know that?"
Kaji scowled, moving his hands away from the keyboard without typing anything. It was too much of a risk to keep trying, besides he'd be there all day even if his attempts didn't alert someone to his attempts to break in. If he was going to succeed here it would have to be another day when he'd managed to acquire the password... but the only way to get that from Ritsuko herself, he doubted that she'd keep it in a file in her office, especially considering how hidden this room was. It would seem that once again he'd hit a roadblock. The key to unraveling all of NERV's mysteries was still just out of reach... "I've only ever fucked one woman," he countered, his frustration with the fellow spy and his situation slipping into his tone. "And she's not a mother yet..."
Fujita snickered over the earpiece in his ear. "No wonder you care so much about Katsuragi..." he teased.
Kaji was about to think of a witty retort but at that moment but at that moment but sound of the door to the room opening. Swiftly he switched off his earpiece and shut off the computer monitor before ducking under the desk, his hand palming the butt of his Sig Sauer. His heart was thumping in his ears and he fought to silence his breathing. Who could be down here right now? Was it Ritsuko? Commander Ikari? Whoever it was, if they noticed him in the room he was as good as dead...
Footsteps sounded on the black marble floor drifting ever closer by the second. It sounded like there were two people entering the room. Two on one... odds of survival in a gunfight less than favorable. The footsteps stopped a few meters away and he bit his lip, flicking the safety off of his gun as silently as he could...
"So..." a man's voice spoke. He recognized it immediately as Vice Commander Fuyutsuki speaking. "What prompted you to bring me down here to this place?"
"I figured it would be best to get as far from potentially unfriendly ears as possible," the second individual spoke. Kaji recognized this voice too. It belonged to Commander Ikari himself...
A wry smile worked its way onto his lips. The irony that he was hidden under the desk in this supposedly secluded room was not lost on him. He strained his ears and continued listening. Perhaps there was something of note that would be discussed...
There was a long pause before either of them spoke again. "Do you mean to eliminate me down here?" Fuyutsuki eventually asked. "Here, where the product of my despair was born?"
Kaji tensed. Why would Commander Ikari want his closest ally and accomplice eliminated? Had something happened between them? Had one or both of them decided to go rogue? What was happening? Also... if Commander Ikari murdered Fuyutsuki in this place then there would be a clean up crew sent and he might become the patsy. His finger prints were in this room after all...
"No," Commander Ikari spoke firmly. "Far from it..."
"Then... for what reason have you brought me down to this place?" Fuyutsuki asked.
Kaji heard Commander Ikari audibly sigh. "Your words the other day were... unpleasant, but necessary," he replied. "Perhaps... I've been blinded to the truth of things. Perhaps we both have been..."
"I see..." Fuyutsuki returned after a short pause. "So you wish to abandon your scenario?"
"Yes, professor," Commander Ikari replied softly. "I do."
"I see..." Fuytuski stated softly. "So you've taken my words to heart it seems..."
"I have," Commander Ikari replied, his voice becoming small, timid even, unlike the way Kaji was used to hearing him speak. "I think it's obvious that... both of us have been too focused on resurrecting the past when we should have been focusing on a brighter future..."
"And what exactly does that mean? A return to SEELE's plan?" Fuytuski asked, a slight tinge of annoyance slipping into his tone. "You should know well enough that Yui would not be pleased with that outcome..."
"Nothing of the sort," Commander Ikari replied, his voice returning to that firm timbre of dark charisma he wielded so effortlessly. "The scenario hasn't changed, only results of its endgame. SEELE and Chairman Keel will be defeated. Even if it costs us everything, the Human Instrumentality Project shall not be initiated..."
Kaji's mind was racing as he fought to control his breathing as to not reveal his position. What on earth were they talking about? What did it all mean? The commander and vice commander had been plotting against the committee this whole time? What did it mean that their scenario had been altered and what exactly was the the Human Instrumentality Project!? He grit his teeth in frustration. After all this time and with him listening in so intimately the answer to that last question was still not revealed!
"I see..." Fuyutsuki returned. "I can and will support this. However, your statement reveals your other reasons for coming down here to talk."
Kaji heard Commander Ikari let out a wry chuckle. "Other reasons, sensei?" he replied. "Do tell..."
"You came here to destroy them," Fuyutsuki returned evenly. "The cores for the Dummy System."
"Correct," Commander Ikari replied flatly. "The Eva Series is reliant upon this research and destroying it will surely cause the old men delays."
"Perhaps there is a more... personal reason you wish to eliminate them," Fuyutsuki levied quietly. "Perhaps it's because of your own tender feelings toward the one they're based upon, a desire to set her free..."
Commander Ikari issued a wry chuckle. "That may also be a factor..." he muttered.
Kaji's confusion was escalating to a fever pitch with every word the two men said. The cores? What did that mean? There were separate programs for each Dummy Plug and they were based upon a living person? How was that possible? What was behind the damned shutters in the room!?
Fuyutsuki let out a small, cynical sounding laugh. "Well if that's the case then I have bad news..." he spoke softly. "I've received reports that the Third Branch has successfully tested their version of the Dummy System aboard Evangelion Unit 05, which is nearing completion. Destroying them will do nothing to stem the tides..."
There was a long pause before Commander Ikari spoke again. "I see..." he muttered. "Then it appears that our options are limited..."
"Indeed," Fuyutsuki agreed, pausing for a moment and then speaking further. "So will you destroy them even with this knowledge?"
There was another, much longer pause before Commander Ikari spoke again. "No," he replied, his tone becoming just the slightest bit sentimental sounding. "If it will change nothing... it should be her choice to make..."
But who's choice? That was the real question... the mystery was deepening. If he understood correctly... he could infer that person was most likely Rei Aynami, but who or what really was the First Child. Kaji would have loved to hear answers to any of these questions but his knees and hips were beginning ache from huddling underneath the desk. If he remained there much longer then he would surely be discovered...
"Ha..." Fuyutsuki murmured. "I must say that's a bit touching. Is that a choice you're making out of guilt or out of care?"
"Both," Commander Ikari stated firmly.
"Well then..." Fuyutsuki murmured. "Let us prepare for the future."
"The future she would have wanted..." Commander Ikari muttered softly.
There was yet another pause before Fuyutsuki spoke again. "Well... if you have no further need of me I'll be going," he stated. "There is still a lot of paperwork I have to tend to regarding the previous battle."
"Understood," Commander Ikari acknowledged. "Be on your way, sensei..."
Kaji listened as footsteps sounded through the room culminating in the door opening and shutting, plunging the room into complete and total silence. Kaji was about to move but then he heard a sigh fill the room. "What a fool I've been..." Commander Ikari murmured softly.
Another few moments passed before Kaji heard Commander Ikari's footsteps heading for the door. Once again Kaji heard the door open and shut and only then did he breathe a sigh of relief and release his grip on his pistol. It was over... finally he could come out of his hiding space. He cautiously moved out from under the desk and inserted his earpiece back into his ear. "Fujita, do you read?" he asked softly.
"Yeah, man, what the hell!" Fujita scoffed over the radio. "I'm in the middle of busting your already blue balls and then you go silent on me!? I was almost concerned that you'd gotten killed, man."
Kaji smirked. "It almost sounds like you care..." he drawled playfully.
"Damn right I do," Fujita grumbled. "If you get killed and they find your earpiece that could compromise me, you bastard..."
Kaji laughed softly. "Fair enough," he replied. "I trust you'll be relieved that I'm alive and undiscovered then."
"Indeed I am," Fujita replied with a nervous laugh. "So... what did you discover in your little trip down to the depths?"
Kaji frowned, playing back what he'd heard from the two heads of NERV over the past couple of minutes. "Only more mysteries..." he muttered. "Only more mysteries... Returning to radio silence. Kaji, out."
Fujita sighed. "Whatever you say, Kaji," he replied. "Going silent..."
Kaji stood alone in silence amid the empty room ruminating on his thought for quite some time before he decided to make his exit. He could sense that he was getting closer to the truth. He could almost taste it... but it was still just out of reach...
It was getting late but still Ritsuko sat in her office, a cigarette clamped between her lips as she played back in her mind her interaction with Gendo the previous week for what might have been the hundredth time by now. It was still something she hadn't addressed with anyone. She'd come very close to addressing it with Rei when she'd seen her today but she hadn't known exactly how to go about it. No matter what, that incident was something that filled her head with all sorts of scenarios and possibilities with a vast array of implications...
As nice as it would to finally see him open up in her presence, to have felt his touch... the sight of how erratic he'd been coupled with the fact that no one had seen hide or hair of him in days was worrisome. She'd voiced those concerns to Rei but... there was another concern that she didn't voice. Nevertheless it was there. Part of her pondered and worried about what Gendo might have done had he been just a little bit more sober when she'd confronted him...
Considering how unstable he'd been and presumably still was, what if he decided to... make unwelcome advances toward his ward? It was a sick thing to comprehend she knew but considering what she'd seen in Rei's memories of the other world it was something to consider however unlikely it might be. Deep down though... she knew that was unlikely to occur. After all, instead of making improper advances on her that day he'd simply wanted companionship and warmth... No... it was simply fear and concern for Rei that was making her think these things.
She blew out a plume of smoke and leaned back in her chair, staring up at the ceiling. To think that only a little while ago she'd been so apathetic toward the blue haired girl and now she was so very worried about her, even if it might be irrational. Was that something like what a mother would do? Her thoughts drifted to her own mother, a woman who had used and been used by Gendo in every possible way. She was unlike her mother in many ways but so alike in others. She'd become a scientist, she'd fallen for the same man... but she hadn't allowed herself to be used by him in the way she had, as much as she wanted Gendo to touch her, to hold her that way. It was such a conflicting slew of emotions she was experiencing. It made her feel sick to think about things like this, especially knowing what that man had planned for the world at large, that he would probably never care for her as anything other than a temporary asset...
And yet she still wanted him, even after seeing him as pathetic and low as anyone could ever get.
She took another drag off his cigarette and let her arm fall limp at her side. Maybe it was how he'd held on to her, telling her not go, but in that moment she'd felt needed, needed in a way that she'd never had someone need her before. In that moment she'd been wanted, not for anything she was capable of, not for her abilities or her power of intellect, but just for pure human connection. It was something she didn't know how to handle.
Her scientific mind truly did not know how to proceed with his new information. Ritsuko breathed a heavy sigh and frowned. "Love is so destructive..." she murmured softly to herself.
Gendo sat in his office, staring down at the broken remains of his orange sunglasses, contemplating his next maneuver. The news that SEELE had fully realized the capabilities of the Dummy System was certainly disheartening considering his revised scenario. Before he wouldn't have cared if the old men got the Eva Series operational or executed their assault of NERV, be the end of it he would have been victorious. Now... now he had to find a way to ride out the coming storm without resorting to initiating a version of Human Instrumentality. His best hope would have been to destroy the code and cores for the Dummy System before they could utilize it. Units 00, 01, and 02 would have made short work of the JSSDF without having to contend with other Evas. Part of him really wanted to know how the data had been leaked but he supposed that didn't matter now. All that mattered was finding a way to shore up NERVs defenses enough to hold back the assault...
This was a dilemma that he'd been pondering ever since he'd left the lab where the cores were kept in the bowels of headquarters. He'd thought for hours on how to solve that problem and ultimately come to the conclusion that nothing could be done to repulse the inevitable attack. The only way to counter it would be to somehow stop it before it ever began.
He supposed that the best way to do this was to somehow get the word out as to what SEELE was really planning. This would be extremely difficult if it was even possible. For one, if the Japanese government understood the full scope of the conspiracy before the destruction of the final Angels and shut down NERV's operations then that would be just as bad as if they attacked them. Without NERV, Third Impact via the Angels was inevitable. The other thing to contend with was SEELE. If SEELE suspected that he was attempting to expose them then they wouldn't be long before they would eliminate him, restructure NERV headquarters, or both in order to ensure the success of their plans.
The only thing he could do presently was stay the course... and perhaps use whatever was left in the budget to bolster the defense emplacements and optimize the small arms training of staff. Never before had the situation seemed more desperate. Then again, he hadn't cared about any of this up until now, Third Impact would have been just a medium to bring his family together without regard to the casualties... but Yui wouldn't have wanted that. That was why she'd stayed in the Eva. He had to honor her wishes and protect humanity.
He couldn't help but shake his head, a cynical smile crossing his lips. Amazing how much things had changed within him since his son had first come to NERV...
What was the next move? What should he do to press forward and win the game? As desperate a situation as he was in now all he could do was wait, and he'd grown tired of waiting in the years since Yui had been gone. Gendo slumped forward and dug his fingers into his scalp. There had to be something he could do! But what!?
Perhaps the proper course of action would be to focus on the two people that he had left who he would be changing course for. Even if his new plans came to nothing... at least the two of them could have some kind of closure for the misery he'd put them through over the years. Shinji was trapped within Unit 01 so there was nothing he could do presently to prepare him. That left Rei... and there was much he had to make up to her.
Rei had been created to be his tool, the critical key to executing his scenario. Over the years he'd kept her isolated, alone, empty, in order to mold her into the perfect pilot, so she would obey any order without question. He'd conditioned her to live for one purpose and one purpose alone, to be his instrument and nothing more...
And then his son had come to Tokyo 3.
He had to admit that his son had made an impact on Rei since he'd arrived, from the moment he'd seen her take his hand in the Eva bay all those months ago. They'd become friends and he'd been happy to let that sustain as she'd shown no obvious signs of wanted to deviate from what he'd planned for her. Then had come the day where she'd confronted him about his treatment of his son, a day that had deeply effected him in the weeks since. Seeing her acting... normal, like a normal girl her age had driven home just how... wrong it was to have treated her like a disposable tool for so many years...
Except he'd never viewed her as that really. He'd buried it deep down under the web of lies he'd constructed for himself but he'd always viewed her as the daughter he'd never had with Yui. If the two of them had a daughter instead of a son they would have named her Rei... Part of him had actually been... joyful, seeing her grow and become her own person. Perhaps that was part of the reason he'd begun to have doubts and feelings of guilt before Fuyutsuki had hammered him down with the truth. He'd done so much damage to her, damage he could never repair. If she really was like a normal person, despite the origin of her soul, she had every right to despise him, and he would not hold that against her. Still... if he really did care for her then he should try to make some kind of effort to show that he did actually care about her...
But what to do? What action could he take to make that obvious and to make obvious that he'd abandoned his scenario in place of something new? There had to be some tangible thing that he could offer her to let her know that his goals had changed and she was free to decide her destiny for herself? Destroying the Dummy Plug cores would have had that effect but Fuyutsuki was right that it should be her choice...
His eyes drifted to the drawer on the lower right corner of his desk, the one that he kept his pistol in. Yes... he'd kept in in there this whole time, waiting for the opportunity to use it. Yes. This was a way that he could make his intentions known to her and set her free from his machinations once and for all...
Gendo reached for the phone on his desk and pulled the receiver to his ear, breathing a heavy sigh, trying to push the anxiety down as he dialed the number of Rei's cellular phone...
Rei lay in her bed in her barren, silent, and cold apartment, staring up at that horrid concrete ceiling she'd come to loathe. Asuka hadn't invited her back to Misato's apartment before her outburst at NERV and by the time she'd left Ritsuko's office it had been getting late in the evening. It would have been impolite to call Asuka and ask if it was okay to sleep over anyway. At the same time though, she missed the futon in Asuka's room. Her own apartment had become so isolating and cold and inhospitable the more she spent staying at Misato's place. It hurt... it hurt being alone. Being alone used to be something she never cared about but as time went on the more she hated it. Going to sleep in a warm and comfortable environment in the presence of people who she cared for and cared for her was something she'd grown to adore. If only Shinji were around... she couldn't help but wonder what it would feel like to fall asleep with his arms around her, surrounded by his warmth...
But he was lost to her right now... trapped within Unit 01...
She rolled over on her side and pulled her sheets tight over herself, curling up into a fetal position, tears stinging her eyes. How much longer could she go on toward the empty void ahead before it ultimately consumed her? How much longer could she stand this awful loneliness and pain? How much longer could she keep going forward when it seemed like nothing she did mattered?
"What can I do?" she whimpered softly as the tears began to fall. "What can I do to stop this madness?"
There was no answer to her pleas. No one was there to listen to her pitiful ramblings or to dry her tears. She was utterly alone in her empty, barren apartment. Asuka wasn't there to distract her with video games. Ritsuko wasn't there to council with. Shinji was... gone. No one was there to help her with her problems. No one was there that could hold her, care for her, to understand the pain she was feeling... and she resented it. She hated it. It hurt. She felt so very alone and helpless. Nothing she'd ever done had mattered. Everything that she'd worked toward had come apart...
And then her cellphone rang...
Instinctively she reached over to the table at her bedside and grasped and grasped the device, pulling it to her ear and doing her best to suppress her tears before she answered it. Who could possibly be wanting to talk with her this late? "Hello?" she spoke softly into the receiver.
"Rei..." Commander Ikari's voice rang in her ear. "How are you?"
Rei's pulse quickened and her whole body felt tense. Why was he calling her this late at night? He rarely ever called her anyway... "I'm well..." she lied through her teeth.
"I see," he responded softly. "That's good."
There was a pause and Rei bit her lip. This was concerning as he usually cut right to the chase whenever he contacted her. He had to have called her for a reason... but what? Was he on to her? The possibilities were certainly concerning... "What do you want?" she asked.
"I'd like to see you," he replied softly, gently even... but gentleness coming from him often was used to coerce a result he desired. "Come to NERV after school tomorrow."
Rei's brow furrowed. "For what reason, sir?" she couldn't prevent herself from inquiring.
Again there was a pause and silence hung heavy in the air. "Goodnight, Rei..." he spoke softly before the line went dead.
Rei pulled the phone away from her ear and let those words sink in. What did it mean? What did he want? Usually he was rather straight forward with her... why was he being vague? Also, when had Commander Ikari ever wished her goodnight? It was so strange...
She rolled back onto her side and curled up into a ball like she had been before the call, trying her best to suppress her worries. The talk she'd had with Ritsuko about his sudden instability played back through her mind as she lay there in he bed. What on earth could he possibly want with her? If it was urgent then he simply would have pulled her out of school for the day. Should she be concerned for her safety? If he replaced her would all the pain and suffering she'd experienced finally be over? What did he want to say or... do to her when he saw her?
None of these questions could she answer and the feelings of anxiety, disgust, and hopelessness wouldn't abate. She was just a leaf in the wind, unable to change the course of anything. That had always been the case that would never change. She'd been foolish to even try... All she could do was go to school in the morning and just get through one more day, hour by hour. Hopefully Asuka would be in a better mood by the morning...
Sleep did not come easy, but when it did, Rei gladly surrendered to the dreamless void.
Author's notes
Well it's been a while since I've finished a chapters in so short a time. I've had quite the burst of creativity that's allowed me to put this one out. It also helps that this is a moment I've much been looking forward to getting to since I started writing this piece.
So begins a metamorphosis for Gendo. Will he manage to find a way to atone for his sins? Only time will tell... As for the rest of the cast, the way ahead looks bleak. Shinji is still lost within the Eva, Asuka is starting to fall apart, and Rei is beginning to come undone...
If I had to pick a favorite scene of the chapter it would probably be Kaji's POV. It's also probably the longest singular POV scene since the very first chapter I published. Either way, the amount of heavy plot movement in that sequence is something I'm rather proud of. Also, I hope that the level of suspense was adequate. I do love my suspense in storytelling.
Please read and review! Fingers crossed that I can get the next one out in a timely manner...
Regards,
A.F.