A/N notes for content warnings are at the bottom of the fic
Chapter I: On The Edge Of Greatness
Adora's introspection turns outward, the BFS+1 make a plan for the upcoming assault.
Adora is here and Catra is over there.
A blank looking training dummy in Mara's ship serves as the perfect distraction for Adora's frustrations.
She's already thrown away her red jacket and then the white top to the side, and stripped down to a grey tank top. The dummy is hard enough to be a useful distraction but soft enough to punch without injuring her bare knuckles to uselessness. Although the pain of each satisfying hit provides a useful enough impetus to keep herself awake after the disastrous events of the past twenty four hours, an entire day of fucking misery .
Emotionally,physically and mentally jumping from repeated contradictory events.
Highs and lows strung together like clothes on a washing line.
The high of hearing Catra and knowing that Glimmer would be coming home, the low of bearing witness to - being unable to do anything when Catra had been captured again and her voice…
The memory ,already lurching in the back of the mind, is coming back in full force. Just Adora, Bow and Entrapta on the command deck of their barely functioning spacecraft.
"Adora? Adora?" Came in from the sparking intercom. All it took was a single second to bring back realization of repressed hope from hearing Catras' voice for the first time in years that hadn't been laid with malice or anger.
Catra? Adora whispered back to herself at first in disbelief and then outloud to get others' reactions to make sure she wasn't dreaming.
Adoras mind spans with multiple outcomes, things to say. A conversation that they could have together without the war, without She-Ra and without being on opposite sides.
Heart pounding, pupils dilated. Fingers gripping the dial so hard that it'd break if it wasn't made out of spaceship.
Adora wanted Catra to stay on that line forever if they couldnt see each other again. It'd be the next best thing.
Instead. Nothing. Just the conversation. The talk. A distracted and hurried Catra stating the how, the why, the when and where and the who while Adora muddled through her replies and responses.
How, Adoras confusion became a muddled but agreeable state when she learnt it was teleportation. Why? They had to get off Primes ship and Catra had managed to figure it out, now was the time and the reason why Adora was contacted. Glimmer would be dropped off in the same quadrant as them.
Thump. One aching arm.
And it was just Glimmer who teleported for them to pick up.
Adora's introspection is making her spiral again, the fact that she and Catra were so close for that brief few minutes and yet so far away from each other.
No Catra. She. Adora can't even think straight.
Maybe if the Clones hadn't rushed in and stormed the teleportation room then maybe Catra would have been able to teleport to same coordinates she'd sent Glimmer to and joined them and there'd be five instead of four and they would be back on their way to Etheria right now instead of hurtling towards Primes ship on a rescue mission.
Adora listened to Catra tell them through the intercom, pleading with them not to come. For Adora to leave, to go. To not fly to Horde Primes ship and attempt a rescue guns blazing.
"Adora?" Catra's scratchy voice came up again, full of tears and strained.
"I'm sorry". Catra cried out. Adoras knuckles gripped white on the console and she desperately tried to think of something, anything. The two of them hadn't spoken to each other in casual terms in years, not since the Crystal Castle and now Catra was going to be-
"Catra I don't understand?" Was all she managed to croak out, her unfocused mind desperately and blindly latching on to some sense of reason.
"For everything". Adora's finger trembled at a fumbling reply that never crept past her lips and stayed in her throat. The intention from Catra, for Adora to not come back. Just like so many times before except nor with malice or hate this time. A genuine, actual warning.
Hearing that stroke a chord red raw, years ago Catra had begged Adora to stay and now it's the painful opposite.
It reminded her of Thaymor where it all began between the two of them in the ruins of a village, Catra clad in her red and brown Horde outfit with her new red headpiece begging Adora to stay. The confusion that Adora wouldn't come home back to the Fright Zone. Painful memories. Adora stood in shock and unable to move, as much as she screamed at herself internally to say something , to come into action. Nothing happened. Useless.
And then it all came screeching down to reality, the emtional high of hearing Catra again. The rescue of Glimmer where Adora watched Bow desperately scramble out of his crop top and fashionable Etherian get up and into a purple spacesuit that Entrapta somehow pieced together in record time, that Adora held on her end of the rope that Bow clung to as he rescued Glimmer, their queen. She was still wearing that golden crown, blue cape and regal clothes even now. Adora watched helplessly in every aspect other than to keep the rope steady as the other two slowly floated into Mara's spacecraft.
When the three of them, the best friends squad finally came together again. It was just a simple hug, none of the charmadiere or bright spark like before Glimmer became queen after her mothers death but neither the awkward fights or harsh language that existed between them afterwards. Just a hug this time, if Adora was able to focus on something other than the previous events with the revelation that Catra wouldn't be coming back then maybe she would have reacted differently.
The low came back after that small high, the sad note of not managing to properly speak back a reply to Catra that wasn't mumbled, confused or spit out with hesitation.
No no no no. Catra. Come back .
Thump. Back to the punching dummy with split knuckles that told her she'd been at it for too long and other arm down to the fingers was hurting now too. Catra'd help if she was here like she did back at the horde when Adora would over exert herself during the training sessions that Shadow Weaver pushed her through multiple times a day, Catra'd giggle and call her a dummy while helping to patch up or bandage things.
But Catra wasn't here, she was over there .
Nah you wanna talk to Bow, he's your "talk your feelings out guy". I'm your "punch your feelings out guy!"
Since She-Ra had left…. mostly and was unable to be summoned or really properly controlled and instead appearing only in times of great emotional stress and even then briefly or in the same glitchy hurty mess that Glimmer had been in when she had been affected by Shadow Weavers magic poison meant that She-Ra. Princess of Power, two meter plus demigod that was practically indestructible could no longer be relied upon.
Thus. Adora had to pick up the pace, as someone with no magic,no technological skills or a specific gimmick she had to push herself ahead and keep going ever since Primes forces had landed on Etheria and began wrecking the place.
Someone had to stand up and run interference nonstop.
Someone needed to play guard at the entrance when everyone was asleep.
Someone made maps, battleplans. Led the troops, attacked, counterattacked.
Someone forgot they were only human and not She-Ra anymore.
Attack plans to push the Prime Horde away from the camp. She's not She-Ra. Defensive posturing and use of dummies and decoys to lure bots and those flying drones from assaulting populated areas and rather towards either nothing or carefully planned ambushes which she'd lead at the front, just like She-Ra.
Except without a sword, the height, the durability and the status of a demigod. She'd come out of every encounter bloodied and bruised and with less sleep gained the following night. Instead of rest she'd ponder other every mistake and distract herself. Keep busy. From the loss of Catra and Glimmer and the overwhelming dread that there was nothing she could do and that in reality they'd lost the moment the portal had open. The numberless horde of clones and drones proved that doubt at the back of her head that in cold reality everything action was just holding and slowly losing ground until they lost via sheer attrition alone.
Finding the planet and the raw materials needed to power the ship was the next emotional high that managed to throw off the doubt, anxiety and insecurity that kept her awake while the others slept was next.
Good progress, more rebels found and they promised to help in some way or form. After that it was battling earthquakes and the very planet itself as the "BFS" and Entrapta repaired the engine and won a small but crucial victory.
She-Ra even appeared.
A stark reminder that without the sword she was at best a contradictory coin toss of an emergency use weapon and just like Beast Island she was something that Adora couldn't properly fight in or use anymore with any certainty and relegated only to random moments when the spark to power her became briefly alight. Unreliable.
A bigger failure of her against a small victory of them .
Things were spinning again, spiraling out of control and the moment Adora lost concentration , when she stopped being busy then the anxiety sauntered back into her life, pushing her into rooms where no one could listen or see. The other three were none the wiser thankfully, she'd managed to keep herself going constantly and the stares and the whispers were always about the mission rather than her and she'd keep it that way for as long as possible.
Still she was happy to see her one of her best friends, she'd swamped Glimmer with the tightest of group hugs that she could provide along with Bow and the three of them huddled against a wall, comforting the Queen of Bright Moon in a positive loop that kept their spirits up for the brief moments. Adoras heart soared and she nuzzled her friends. Content, happy.
Even if it was for a brief isolated moment.
Because then the emotional low came. The talk. The fact that they hadn't picked Catra up. (?Failed?)
Catra was a day ago, the planet was half that. Twelve hours in and the talk (?interrogation?) with Glimmer ended. Well it seemed like one considering Adora had been verging on regressing back to her days as a Force Captain, squeezing information out like she did with the raiders of the Crimson Waste during her tenure in the Horde. Gathering intelligence on the enemy. Second nature in a way. But this was Glimmer, a friend and she shouldn't view it like that. Or even be in the headspace to view it as such.
Still she listened as Glimmer spoke at length. She'd done her homework while being knew the layout of the ship. The clones. What to expect, that it felt more like a flying and technologically sophisticated version of the Fright Zone with its massive and spiderweb layout of corridors and multiple floor levels and that could easily be hidden cameras everywhere and there was always the possibility of Clones at every corner now in a step up of security since she'd been broken spoke at hand about the vulnerabilities next, that the clones were sort of a hive mind with Prime able to swap to them within a brief moment, that he could be anywhere and everywhere at once.
But she also mentioned, with a smart hand wave and with Bow's rapt attention that she'd detected that Prime performed all of this without magic, and without magic then they had an edge over Prime.
Entrapta summarized that in order to perform his technological mastery then there must be signal relays or something to bounce Prime around into his clones, that he was a puppet master and that his strings could be cut.
They just needed to get there. Break in, rescue Catra and set the ship on fire.
A good plan, a rough mental map built out. Orders issued with a series of knives dug into a piece of paper. Marching orders of course, just like back in the Fright Zone as a Force Captain. Glimmer goes here to rescue Catra ., Entrapta and Bow go there to cut off the puppets strings. Adora heads to the throne room to confront, kill or distract prime.
Not She-Ra.
Adora.
The others asked with some concern about going in solo, Adora simply shrugs and laughs it off with a fake chuckle. If Glimmer was going solo then why shouldn't she?
Glimmer had magic and knew her way around the ship.
She gave a friendly wave and told them not to be bothered, even with the worried looks and the whispering.
Bow and Entrapta are technologically inclined.
She said she just needed sleep and headed off.
She didn't.
The moment she knew she was out of sight Adora ran headfirst into the nearest room and jammed the lock with her extendable staff.
She wasn't She-Ra. Heart thumping and going completely nuts.
They all had something special, she was just fortunate enough to be along for the ride. Head spinning again and concentrating was difficult, was she thirsty?
She didn't have the sword and instead just a crappy staff that could be broken, no weapon otherwise. Body crashing against the nearest wall and hands desperately holding onto something anything to keep herself upright.
She barely knew where she was going other than in a vague "middle direction". She had to confront Prime and do something, to convince him she was still She-Ra? She had an escape plan right? What if Catra was there and she'd need to fight her way out?
Nonononono. She couldn't, she'd have to-find a way somehow. She could plan for it right now and stick to it, bottle up and put away everything into a box that'd have to be opened later but not . Was that tears? Why was she breathing so heavily and in such badly, uncoordinated and ragged fashion? You didn't do that in the Horde you stuck to your task and kept at it until you collapsed.
Tears coming down and joining her cough-breathing-thing. Turning it wet,heavy and threatening to dislodge her from the barely kept standing upright position. Catra always helped with this when the pressure of command and exception came up, she'd find a warm, soothing, purring friend cuddled up right next to her.
Catra would whisper in Adoras ear that everything would work and be okay, that all Adora needed to do was listen to Catra's noises ,wrap their arms around each other and hold on tight and it'd be fine as long as they were together. Adora'd motion in for a cuddle that only Catra could give and receive exactly the same when they were together .
She missed Catra so much. She-. She-. She wanted Catra, needed her.
Adora's chest heaved of its own accord, in direct violation of the stiff orders that Adora relayed down and she lurched backwards into a fall and barely managed to avoid hurting her elbows further, she clutched herself and tried desperately to remember the purrs and the soothing words and they never came.
Because she was here.
And Catra is over there.
Overwhelming thoughts came next. The strange pang and twist in her gut when she witnessed the married couple Netossa and Spinnerella for the first time, how weird and yet uplifting when she saw the kisses, the closeness and the interactions between the two. That they were in love and together .
She idly compared that to the emptiness in heart and tried in vain to bring back memories of her and Catra when they slept together in bed, the closeness they shared. The feelings it gave Adora, that she truly missed those times and would do anything to bring them back. But Catra was over there . And Adora was here .
Jealousy over Glimmer and Bow, intense with twist in the stomach when witnessing how tight and close the two became during the expedition to the planet to replace fuel cells, the kiss the two shared and how she wanted that to be included with what she missed .
But she couldn't have it, she wasn't allowed to. Shadow Weaver broke her relentlessly and trained her in the way of the horde where fight came over feelings, punching them out or bottling them was the way of the game. Light Hope taught her that she was meaningless without her destiny and that having broken the sword and by extension She-Ra, she too was broken. Adora was not without Catra and. The weight of the world, the expectations that Angella and the rebellion had. The other princesses expected her to do came crashing down in that moment to-
Her body is betraying her, exhaustion and physical downtime long put off by lack of sleep and forcefully keeping herself awake is coming back like a bad case of karma and she cant hold herself up any longer.
Heart palpitations, erratic movements, clutching chest, eyes sweltering with tears that dropped and covered both the floor and her . Moving was impossible, staying was all she could do, she'd locked the door so no one could come in and even if they wanted to, they couldn't.
She wouldn't let them see her like this. She needed to be strong, a substitute for She-Ra and someone just as powerful and unrelenting and unstoppable.
Not a fragile girl who was crying herself to death, working herself to the bone and utterly disconnected from the reality of her situation.
In the brief moment of time.
Adora realizes she's having a panic attack. And that Catra isn't here.
And Adora wants her to be
The purrings, the noises, the soothing. The fur, the hair. The eyes, the personality. The person clutching their fingers and claws together,foreheads touching in sweet closeness. Bundled up together in bed where nothing could hurt them as long as they had each other. And that. That longing for something that wasn't there anymore hurt the most.
Adora. Feel
They spent twenty years joined at the hip and did everything as one since being able to walk and talk, they trained together, they ate together, they slept together. Adora had Catra and Catra had Adora. When the time came for her appointment as a Force Captain, Adora appointed Catra to become her number two there was never a single person more qualified for the position in Adora's mind.. During their deployment in the Crimson Waste to secure resources and territory in the Hordes' vulnerable backyard they grew ever closer. Adora's nightmares and Catra's trauma from Shadow Weaver reinforced their bond and even though it's been two years, nobody has ever come close to that level of commitment that Adora shared and felt towards the Magicat.
Her worst mistake wasn't leaving the Horde, she had no regrets towards that with their unacceptable levels of violence towards civilians and the innocent and their true goals revealed.
No.
Adora's worst mistake kept her beating herself up at night was leaving Catra alone to fend for herself against the crushing pressures of command on her lonesome and Shadow Weavers abuse.
Adora promises in that moment where she gazes at a bloody reflection of herself that she'll bring Catra home.
Horde soldiers are issued with a single stimulation drug. Keeping the soldier alert and ready for up to six hours with energy and restless desire it's kept in a single small red container. Force Captains are given three.
Adora still has hers in a pocket.
Catra is anywhere from six to eighteen hours depending on the ship fuel reserves, evasive maneuvers and the need to be stealthily and quiet. And three drugs are eighteen hours if taken in moderation or a complete pain suppressing, injury ignoring and adrenaline fuelled six. If she can time it right then..maybe.
Just maybe. She can match She-Ra.
CW content warning for trauma, panic attacks, violence, post traumatic stress disorder,self harm, suicidal thoughts and actions for the fic.
A/N
How'd I do? Comments,feedback and reviews would be greatly appreciated