(All I ever will be - Guardin)

Thinking

SOUND

'Text or phone call chats'

•••= later

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters songs etc

Kind reviews only. It's been 14 years since I wrote a story.

Some comes from personal experience.

Thank you!

:WARNING:

Read description

this story holds a lot of bad things

:) RE-WROTE THIS CHAPTER!

KOUICHI POV

Present

I woke up to the deathly sound pricking my ears once more. My alarm clock went off too many times to count. I know I need to get up, but it's the first day I could actually rest. It's the first night I snoozed without a nightmare. I slept in way longer than usual, too. I felt like my body needed it. It was noon and I couldn't believe I was still in bed. I also couldn't believe my mother didn't wake me. Groggily, I sat up in bed and a monstrous yawn hit me. I took one last look at the time and sighed.

I shouldn't have slept so long...

Checking my phone I realized I had no missed messages. I would say it made me feel lonely but I've been feeling lonely for years. All my school years I've never made any friends. I was awkward and quiet and I got picked on a lot. The only person I've been able to count on for years now is my brother, Kouji. Sadly, he couldn't be around all the time like I know he wished. And I wished, too.

I'm scared a lot. Nervous. Mortified. I know I shouldn't be. Life is a roller coaster and I understood bad days and good days come with the blessing of living; or condemnation.

Some days I wished the opposite.

I did my best at school for my mother, but I honestly would love to be anywhere else. All the anxiety I felt from the kids, I hated it. Maybe they hated me, too.

I know they hate me. No one cares to talk to me. Even the teachers dismissed I was there. I wondered if Kouji was even acknowledged? I know he's there less than I am.. sometimes I wonder what I did.. to deserve being treated so horribly..

Then I remember .. I think.. I'm just weird.. so I probably just deserve it. My self esteem sucks so bad I can't even tell if this is how I'm supposed to be or not.

I would wave hello to Takuya when I saw him in the halls but he always showed genuine preoccupation. He always had a girlfriend, after all. He was the only one of the old group that I knew who had significant others repeatedly. I think Takuya's always been a bit of a player. He seemed to have a way with females; a way that I never understood. He always had a different girl on his arm every time I saw him. The girl I saw last had shoulder length dark hair and dark eyes. She was really graceful and reminded me of a little of my mother. I didn't know her name, however. She seemed like a nice girl, I've never met her, but she just looked nice.

Junpei and Tomoki were different ages than me. Being in different grades and in different schools, I never got to see them. Tomoki would message me every once in awhile to say hello, but small talk is just small talk. Junpei never messages me but I heard he got a job, dominating most of his time. I don't even know if he had my number anymore.

Or maybe I don't have his..

Izumi went to a completely different school from the rest of us, living almost an hour away by walking. I have seen her once this year, though. I accompanied Kouji at clothing store in a neighboring city. Once again, as I notice with everyone, our conversations were merely small talk. She spoke kindly, reminding me of my mother. I remember shyly nodding a lot as Kouji stared at his phone, yearning to leave. I couldn't help but want the same. We were never very social and it grew more apparent every day.

The lack of availability I possessed with any of my old friends is remarkable. The only people that saw me almost daily was just my mother and my brother.

It all started about a year or two after we all got back from the digital world. We all grew older and went our own ways. Sometimes I miss our adventures and the feeling of being surrounded by friendship. Being seventeen now, the past seems like a blur.

I stood up out of bed and rubbed my eyes. I slid on my slippers and made my way down to my mothers bed room. I searched around lazily for her presence.

"Mother?" I muttered.

No reply. If she was here I wouldn't want to wake her, but I can't seem find her..

She might be at a store..

This was rare. A few years ago, she took a new job as a nurse working overnights at the nearby hospital. Though she worked almost sixty hours, she was extremely happy helping people. She came home early morning to make sure I was up for school and had breakfast before passing out. When I came home from school, she was awake making dinner. I tried to help her when I could. Our schedules were barely lining up. I always saw her exhausted no matter what. But she looked so happy having a new job so I kept my mouth shut and my feelings to myself.

I let out a deep sigh and made myself a small breakfast before brushing my teeth. I try not to look at myself in mirror. I didn't like how I looked and I don't like looking at myself. I appeared exactly the same as I did all those years ago. The only difference is I wear a hoodie sometimes to cover my secrets and skin.

Even though it's eighty degrees.

BEEP

My heart skipped. My insane loneliness fumbled to get my phone of my hoodie pocket.

'Hey. Still down for tonight?'

It was Kouji. I hesitated to reply. I have a big social problem. Seeing my brother was a bit easier, he was the one person I saw more than my mother. But everyone else.. makes me nervous. It was Takuya's idea to get the old group back together to celebrate graduating high school. As far as I knew everyone thought it was a great idea. Kouji seemed nonchalant about the idea, though.

I was just scared.

They want to get together at my house, which makes me anxious. Kouji had said Takuya wanted to party and bring maybe his girlfriend but I wasn't sure what he was planning. Takuya must know my mother won't be home. She would never allow a party, even if it was just us kids.

My hand shook slightly holding my phone. I could feel myself tensing and my breath was short. Honestly, I wanted to be alone. But hesitant as I always am, my loneliness complies with their requests and I feel like a hypocrite. No one knows how weird I am, no one except Kouji. I think he knows.. I'm worried everyone will see how big of a loser I am. This would be the first get together in years.

The embarrassment I felt brought me back to that day at school. I'm worried I'll feel just as pathetic tonight.

I hit send. I told Kouji 'yes, 9:30 PM.'