hey guys, I'm coming at you with Lily's POV of the events of chapter one and I hope you enjoy it! I'm planning on uploading one other chapter of this story but I'm not sure when it'll come out so please follow if you want to catch it! also sorry for any typos, I tried my best but I'm so bad ad editing rip. if anyone would like to beta read for me please please pleaseee message me. other than that any and all feedback is welcome as per usual.

Lily Evan's stared at the back of James Potter's head during Transfiguration and wondered, probably for the millionth time, 'what's wrong with him?' It had been three days since they had Prefect duty together and she still couldn't figure out what had happened. She was trying. She really was. Especially after what happened in Defense Against the Dark Arts. She'd felt bad instantly. He was annoying and arrogant, sure. But she didn't hate anyone enough to want to hurt them. Especially Potter. He annoyed the living hell out of her but he was mostly harmless.

But then he looked at her like she had three heads when she was only trying to help him, try to make things right. She'd been considering doing so already. Everyone knew that she was going to be next years Head Girl and Dumbledore had, in so many words, somewhat confirmed her suspicions. There were whispers amongst Prefects that James could be Head Boy. The last thing she wanted was to live and work with someone that she couldn't do anything but bicker with.

So she'd wanted to try. But the only thing she saw in him when she tried to make things right was… disgust? Whatever it was it was an expression Potter had never worn in her presence. He pushed her away as if she were diseased and fled the room like her accompanying him to the infirmary was some sort of punishment he wanted to avoid. She would never admit it to anyone other than Marlene, but it hurt. Worse than she thought it would. Lily ended up telling their teacher about what happened and lied that she was going up to the infirmary with him. Instead she went up to her dorm, holding a pillow close to her chest while she tried to sort through the tsunami of emotions in her mind.

James Potter had the uncanny ability to make her feel too much. The emotion changed semi often but one thing was always constant. The pounding of her heart and her inability to control herself whenever he was around. She often found herself saying things she didn't mean. Trying to make things better seemed to only ever make things worse.

She would never say it to him but she'd almost been excited when she came down for patrols and saw that Remus had switched with him. She wasn't stupid, she knew that they hadn't done so for a simple scheduling conflict. Potter wanted to be alone with her. For once she was thankful. It would give her the opportunity to try and make things right again.

But, just as it always did, it blew up in her face. He once again stormed away from her before she was able to salvage things. Lily spent the rest of her patrols trying to fight back frustrated tears. What was wrong with him? What was wrong with her?

Marlene nudging her elbow into Lily's side brought her back to reality. She'd nearly forgotten she was in class. "You're staring," she muttered to her, causing blush to consume Lily's face. "You haven't spoken to him yet?"

Lily shook her head, looking down at her parchment only to find she was missing half of the notes on the board. She let out a defeated sigh. "I don't think I will," she answered. "He just… left me there. Twice. It's clear he doesn't want to talk."

With a wave of her wand and a quiet spell Marlene copied her notes onto Lily's page. "He always wants to talk to you."

"Not anymore."

They kept their voices lowered as their professor wandered dangerously close to where they sat and Lily did her best to pretend like her mind wasn't somewhere else entirely. At least she had a good reputation on her side. She wasn't known for not paying attention in class. Once their instructor was out of earshot Marlene leaned in close to her. "You seem disappointed about it."

Lily bit on her lower lip. "I am," she confessed, despite her pride begging her not to. In her peripheral vision she could see the surprise on her best friends face. "We could very well be living together next year. It would be nice if we could at least get along."

Marlene hesitated, a crease settling in her brows. "Lil don't take this the wrong way," she began slowly, "but if anyone's to blame for it it is you. He used to practically beg on his knees for you to like him."

She resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "Used to," Lily repeated. "Now he's just as bad as me. Maybe worse. At least I've tried to make things right recently. He doesn't want any part in it. At this point the ball is in his court."

"And what if he doesn't do anything with it?" Marlene countered.

She shrugged her shoulders, glancing up at the head of messy black hair that obliviously sat three rows ahead of her. "If he is Head Boy next year he can't ignore me forever," she answered, looking back down at her notes. "But I will not be the first to approach him. Not after he called me crazy."

Marlene snorted quietly. "Yeah, only I can do that."

"Precisely."

Days turned to weeks and weeks into a month or so and James had yet to speak to her. Maybe Lily was wrong. Maybe he could ignore her forever. None of their teachers dared to pair them together, which she was more and more thankful for with every passing day. As much as she didn't want to Lily knew his schedule enough to avoid him. She knew what time he strutted into the Great Hall for meals and the times that he and his rowdy friends took over the common room. As usual she made sure to make herself scarce, spending most of her time in her dorm with Marlene or in the back of the library.

And, as the weather turned nice, they began to hang out by the shore of the Black Lake. The fresh air helped to clear her mind and the view was one of her favorites at Hogwarts. Back at home in Cokeworth there was no body of water for miles. So she enjoyed the lake as much as she could during the school year.

Lily was heading from Slughorns office to the lake to meet Marlene, who had gotten a head start, when she passed through the courtyard. She smelled weed as soon as she came close and had prayed to the gods that, whoever it was, would make her life easy and at least try to hide it. But sure enough when she rounded the corner Bellatrix Black, sat with Regulus and Lucious, was blowing rings of smoke in the air. The absolute opposite of subtlety.

She didn't even try to hide the joint when Lily appeared. She sucked in a deep breath and prayed once more. Please let this be easy. She crossed the courtyard until she was standing in front of the trio. "You gotta put that out, Black," Lily said half heartedly. She didn't have the energy to be as stern as she should have been.

Bellatrix rolled her eyes at her. "Yeah right," she said, taking another drag.

A crease settled between Lily's brows. Seriously? "I mean it," she spoke again, with more confidence than the last time. "Put it out."

"Bella just do it," Regulus, the more sensible of the three, urged her. "We've got more, we can just roll another later."

Be my guest she wanted to say. If they agreed she wouldn't have even waited to watch them put it out. She couldn't have cared less. But it was her job and she intended on at least pretending to do it. Even when it came to disciplining things she did with Marlene when no one was watching.

Bellatrix narrowed her black eyes at Lily. "No," she said sternly. "I won't be told what to do by a mudblood."

Lily flinched at the word, her heart twisting into a knot. Though she pretended like she didn't care it did still sting. Even after six years of hearing it. She set her jaw before she spoke again. "You know I have to give you detention now," Lily said. "Dumbledore isn't allowing that kind of language anymore. He said so at the beginning of term so I know you know."

The girl handed the joint to Lucious before getting to her feet. "I couldn't care less what Dumbledore says," she spat at her. Literally. Lily reached up and wiped her cheek with her sleeve. "I will not be told what to do by a dirty, filthy mudblood. You think you can give me punishment?" She let out a humorless laugh. "Go fuck yourself, Evans."

Lily was tempted to tell her to just let it go, that she didn't really care. But she spoke such vile things with a disturbing amount of ease. She needed to be put in her place. And Lily wanted the satisfaction of being the one to do so. "I don't think I can give you punishment, I know I can. It's quite literally my job. Now put out the joint before I make it three days instead of just one."

She wasn't able to process Bellatrix lifting her fist before pain exploded in her face. After that it all happened so fast. Bellatrix landed two blows before she grabbed Lily by the shoulders and pushed her down. She landed hard on the uneven cobblestone, a cry of pain escaping her while Bellatrix climbed on top of her and attempted to pin her arms down.

Lily's hands flew at her, attempting to push her off to no avail. Lucious and Regulus stood and watched in shock while Bellatrix punched and slapped and scratched her. Whether the sound of impact, Lily's whimpers, or Bellatrix's incoherent shouting was what got their attention she wasn't sure, but soon a small crowd started to form around them. She was sure that one of them would pull the girl off of her. Though when no one did she didn't blame her. Not when she was so easily getting her ass handed to her.

She hardly even noticed that the beating had stopped until she felt hands on her arms pulling her until she was sitting up. Her head was spinning, face throbbing, and she slumped down against whoever was holding her up.

"Evans, you okay?"

She blinked a few times, letting her head roll back. Sirius and Remus. She was leaning against both of them while they looked down at her with concern. Her mind was moving in slow motion.

"Lily what happened?"

It was Remus speaking now. She groaned in response, slumping against them and forcing her head back up to look for the girl that had just kicked her ass.

She looked up to see Potter gripping her by the wrist, shouting at her. Lily was more confused than ever. He'd spent a month ignoring her, after calling her crazy, and now he was standing up for her. She didn't think he would ever make sense to her. He said something to Sirius and Remus, who pulled her over to lean against the wall so they could leave her. Someone handed her a mirror and she felt her stomach roll over at the sight of her own face. Potter leaned in front of her, concern written all over his face.

It all happened so fast.

Her body and mouth were functioning on autopilot, allowing him to lead her away and answering his questions without much thought on her part. When she finally caught up to the present moment once more she was standing in the hallway alone with him. She likely would have still been getting her ass kicked had he not stepped in to help her. Lily blinked at him a few times before she managed to speak. "Thank you."

"Of course," he answered instantly. Concern was still written across his face and she couldn't help but wonder how much damage she'd taken. "I'm sorry you have to deal with that."

He meant blood purists. One thing she always gave him credit for, behind his back of course, was that he was one of the few pureblood wizards in school who truly saw her as an equal. At least when it came to heritage. "At least it's not always this bad," she laughed. She couldn't help it. It was all a bit ridiculous to her. Lily looked back up at him and the uneasiness in his face. "How bad did she mess me up?" she asked nervously.

"Um, actually you look fine," he replied. His hands, that she hadn't realized were still touching her, slid from her shoulders to her arms before hanging by his sides once more. Her skin tingled in his wake. She didn't think, with the exception of when she burned him two months ago, that they'd ever touched.

She forced herself to shake it off. "Really?" Lily didn't believe him one bit. Surely he was just being kind. She reached for the small mirror someone had lent her, that she'd forgotten to give back, and held it in front of her face.

Perhaps she imagined the whole thing. Surely she must have since when she looked at her reflection she did in fact look fine. Almost completely normal, even. She brought a hand to her lip, wiping off the dried blood that was the only sign that anything had happened to her. Underneath it was pristine skin. But she knew something had. Bellatrix had been hitting her hard. Surely she couldn't have gotten away without a single mark. Especially not when, at one point, the metallic taste of blood had pooled in her mouth before James intervened.

She wondered if he had been able to use a wordless spell to heal her while they walked away from the scene, but cast the thought away instantly. Being able to cast spells without words was extremely advanced. Still far above her skin level. And though Potter was bright she doubted he was that bright. Plus, if he was able to do wordless magic she surely would have heard about it by then. Whether through whispers in the hallway or his own bragging. The only wordless magic that was common was the ability to heal one's soulmate, but of course everyone had that, even muggles.

As soon as she had the thought her heart stopped. She watched her green eyes go wide in her own reflection. Shaky hands lowered the small mirror and she dared to look back up at Potter, the sight of him and the expression he wore making her stomach churn. Any concern or anxiety had been wiped clean. She didn't think she'd ever seen him with a more unreadable expression. Lily searched his face for something identifiable but came up short.

She glanced down at his arm hanging by his side, remembering how only a month ago he'd shoved her away as if he were scared of her. How he ran from her like she was trying to hurt him again. Lily opened her mouth, a hundred questions wanting to come out but not one of them succeeding. She struggled to extract one and force it out of her, her voice coming out shaky and hushed when she eventually managed to. "You didn't go to Pomphrey that day, did you?"

He shook his head, black hair falling into his eyes that barely met hers. "No," was all he said in response.

Lily felt the walls start to close in on her instantly. Her attempts to breathe didn't quite meet her lungs. She recognized a panic attack, something she had once every so often, start to take over and she knew she had to get out of there. Her head started to feel light, her chest tightening into a knot, and her throat began to burn with tears that begged to be free.

"Th-thank you for helping me with Bellatrix," she managed to choke out. Lily backed up, opening her mouth to say something else to him, because there certainly was much to be said. But she once again came up empty. The knot in her chest tightened and she forced herself to turn away from him and run back to her dorm.

Her legs carried her faster than she'd ever run before, making it to her dorm in record time. Her hands shook so badly she was barely able to write a note to Marlene telling her to come back inside, dropping her wand after she charmed it to sail out the window and down to the Black Lake. Lily paced the circular perimeter of the room with trembling legs while tears finally sprung loose and streamed down her face.

What the fuck? It repeated in her head like a broken record and she wanted to scream it until her lungs gave out. She tried to focus on her breathing as much as possible to keep the room from closing in so tight it would consume her. She even ripped off her shirt and replaced it with her thank top when she suddenly felt her neckline choking her.

Marlene opened the door when she finally made it up and went to Lily's side instantly, gripping her by the shoulders "Lil, what happened?" she demanded, her strong tone roping Lily back into reality.

Her chest was heaving while she explained. "I was heading down to meet you, and I saw Bellatrix in the courtyard, and she was smoking," her words tumbled out of her almost indistinguishable from each other they were so fast. She tried to slow down but failed miserably. "I just wanted her to pretend to care about the rules and I would have walked away. But she called me a mudblood, so I had to give her detention. And she just went crazy and started kicking my ass, and she really did, until Potter and his friends managed to get her off me. And he was so mad at her. I've never seen him like that before. And he got me away from her and…" her voice trialed off.

Marlene blinked at her a few times. "Wait, Bellatrix beat you up?" she asked in disbelief. "Where? You look fine."

Lily burst into a new wave of tears, allowing a few small wails to come out before she answered. "It's all his bloody fault."

"Who?"

"Potter!" she shouted. "The prat healed me. And he didn't even do anything. And he knew! He knew for a month and didn't tell me."

Marlene shook her head a few times, her arms sliding down Lily's arms the same way Potter's had not long ago. She got chills at the memory of his touch and what it had done to her. The girl brought her fingertips to her temples. "Are you telling me what I think you're telling me?" she asked. "Is Potter your fucking soulmate?"

The question made her heart clench and she collapsed onto her bed, throwing her pillows angrily onto the floor as if they had personally wronged her. "I hate him," she spat. "He knew for a month. I've been sitting here worried about if he was mad at me like an idiot and he knew the whole time."

"At least now you know you'll have to make up eventually," Marlene offered.

Lily propped herself up on her shoulders. "You're not helping."

"Sorry," Marlene came over and sat on the edge of her bed, turning to face her. "I do get why you're upset though. And you don't have to make your mind up about anything right now. It's a lot to process. Just take your time doing it."

"I have decided," Lily said, draping her arms across her eyes. She wanted to block out the image of him but only blocked out Marlene. "I've decided I'll never forgive him."

She felt her friend's arm land on her leg. "Don't speak so soon, love," she said gently. "He did fuck up. But he also just saved your ass. Maybe they'll balance each other out."

Lily groaned in response.

"Don't decide anything yet," Marlene insisted. "If he tries to talk to you just tell him you need space. For real this time. Things are… different now. Potter is quite a few things, but I think he'd respect you taking time to think things over."

She propped herself up on her shoulders, her brows meeting in the middle of her forehead. "What are you saying?" Lily asked. "Do you think that I'll change my mind? Fall in love with him?"

"I think that you were just telling me you don't have a lot of control around him," she countered. "And this is a situation that requires control. You should take all the time you need to get it."

Lily couldn't argue with that so they spent the rest of the day trying to cheer her up. Though Lily promised to think about it she thought about anything else. She forced James Potter to take up as little space in her mind as possible. She went on pretending as if it never happened. Marlene never asked how she felt, and James never approached her, so it seemed she wasn't the only one.

But she knew it wouldn't last forever. When another month passed and Remus asked to study with her she hadn't suspected anything. They'd barely been sitting at the table in the back of the library for ten minutes, though, when his demeanor and the air around him changed.

"Has Bellatrix given you any more trouble?"

Lily forced herself to not look up from her book. She knew what was coming but that didn't mean she had to accept it easily. "Nope," she replied as cheerily as she could. "One of us must have taught her a lesson. Though it probably wasn't me."

"No probably not," Remus agreed with a short laugh. "You looked fine the next day. Pomphrey must have patched you up well."

"Yep, the woman's a saint."

Out of the corner of her eye she saw Remus look up from his book at her, his expression suddenly serious. Her heart stopped and she forced herself to look up from her own book. "Lily," he began slowly. "I know you didn't go to Pomphrey. James told me what happened back in Defense two months ago."

Lily's jaw dropped open in shock. "You knew?" She hissed. She jumped to her feet and reached for her things to stuff them in her bag and make her escape. "All of you knew and didn't say anything to me."

He grabbed her wrist. Not hard, just hard enough to stop her. "Lily it wasn't mine to say and you know that," Remus told her. She did know, so she stopped to listen. "Look, it was my idea to switch Prefect duty with him so you two would be alone. I wanted him to tell you."

"But he didn't," Lily replied with a sigh, lowering back down into her seat. "Do you know how much of an idiot I've been feeling like? I thought he was mad at me for what happened in class. And I actually cared, Remus. I was sat here worried about how we were going to get along if we were Head Boy and Girl. And he just let me."

"Look, Lily, some of the stuff you say about James is true," Remus confessed. "He is a bit stupid. But he's not mean. The way he painted things to me made it seem like you were mad at him."

She blinked at him. Lily hadn't thought that was how she came off. "Really?"

He nodded. "I feel a bit stuck because I don't know what I should and shouldn't say to you guys. You're both close friends of mine. And I don't want to betray either of your trust. But…" Remus glanced over his shoulder as if to make sure Potter was nowhere in sight. "He didn't tell you because he was afraid of how you'd react. You have to admit that in the past when he's tried to ask you out you haven't exactly been receptive."

Lily felt blush on her face. "Not exactly, I guess." She couldn't help but wonder if she was being stupid about the whole thing.

"He's just worried of messing things up with you more than he already has," Remus continued. "I think he's, in a way, always known that you were… you know."

She felt her stomach roll over just at the implication of what they were. "How?" she asked. "There's no other way to know for sure other than what just happened."

"Well he didn't know for sure. I guess it was just more of a feeling." Remus placed his hands palm up on the table as if to beg. "Just think about it, okay? If not for him for me, because I'm the one who'll have to hear his whining for the rest of my life."

Lily managed a laugh. "Yeah, alright," she said. "For you and you only."

She didn't keep her promise until the next morning. She avoided thinking about anything to do with James Potter. But at breakfast, while she waited for Marlene to wake up and join her, she watched him while he ate with his friends. She was a safe distance of around four meters away, chin propped on her hand while she studied him.

He didn't seem to be paying much attention to what Sirius was saying next to him. Lily watched him push his food around on his plate and not eat any of it. She watched the crease that occasionally settled between his brows and a dimple that indented into his cheek when his lips managed to twitch into a smile for his friends. His glasses slid down his nose often and she wondered if he got tired of pushing them up all the time.

He was handsome. She guessed she'd always been somewhat aware. She wasn't blind, nor tasteless. But she'd never really thought about it much before. She'd heard her roommates and other girls in their classes drool over him for years and was too preoccupied by his personality to consider his looks. But she thought maybe she understood. Especially if his arrogance didn't bother them.

The more she studied him in the coming days the more surprised she was by him. They had nearly every class together, being in the same year and house. He had a nice laugh and laughed almost constantly. He was a good friend, always trying to help the boys he spent nearly every minute with. Even with people who seemed to be more of a close acquaintance with he was incredibly helpful during class, offering up his knowledge freely and openly.

He was also funny. She never thought she'd admit it, and she didn't think she would to anyone but herself, but he was. Lily had always been too annoyed to consider it. But numerous times she had to bite her tongue to keep herself from laughing at a joke she wasn't supposed to be listening to.

Maybe he wasn't so bad after all.

She'd been studying him for about a month or so when Remus and Marlene begged her to come with them to a Quidditch match and she pretended to be more reluctant than she was. It wasn't the first time they'd asked her to come. When James and Sirius was playing Remus didn't have much to do, and after Marlene and Sirius had become friends with benefits the year before she found herself in the same boat. She rolled her eyes dramatically and went upstairs to change into warmer clothes but she couldn't help but allow a smile to spread on her face once she was alone. They both wanted her to 'think about it' and were unknowingly opening the door for her to do so even more. Or maybe that was the entire point of them asking her. She didn't care much either way.

Every time they managed to drag her to a game she realized she'd forgotten just how fun they were. Especially sitting between her two very enthusiastic friends. Their energy rubbed off on her almost instantly. It helped that the Gryffindor team was the best in school by far. Plus James did look nice in his uniform. But she kept that to herself.

Though something seemed off about him. His gaze was far away and he stayed in the same area nearly the whole game. Lily was far from an expert on him but it seemed out of character for him to be so distracted. She'd had to suffer through years of James bragging about his Quidditch skills. She knew it was important to him. So why didn't he seem to care?

Lily seemed to spot the bludger before he did. Her nails dug into her legs, only resisting the urge to call out to him when she knew he wouldn't hear her. It connected with his arm with a crack that made her lunch start to come up. Her heart stood still as she watched him grasp for his broom, which ultimately slipped through his fingers. Lily jumped to her feet and gripped the railing in front of her as if her, or his, life depended on it. She was only vaguely aware of everyone else around her standing and a few people even letting out screams.

Time seemed to stand still, James suspended unmoving in the air. She thought about all the arguments they'd gotten into. How many times she swore to Marlene she was done with his antics, and doing nothing to stop him the next day. She thought about the four straight years he spent asking her out and the four straight years she told him to piss off. And about how angry he was when Bellatrix was hurting her.

She was nowhere near close to accepting the card that the universe had delt them. The thought alone terrified her. But watching him fall out of the sky, and realizing that she could lose the opportunity to even try, terrified her just as much.

In the staff stands countless wands were in the air ready to break his fall. Her relief was so strong Lily nearly collapsed when he landed gently on the grass. For a heart stopping moment he didn't move, laying motionless on the ground. But he brought his now injured arm close to him and rolled onto his side. She was shoving her way through the crowd the instant she saw he was still conscious

Lily knew her friends were behind her so she didn't bother to wait for them. She pushed her way through the crowd of concerned students, some of them heading for the stairs down to the pitch. Lily didn't bother, forcing her way right down to the front row. She hoisted up onto the railing and fell into the seven foot drop down onto the field.

Any animosity she felt towards him had melted away, at least temporarily, the second he lost grip of his broom. She didn't care if he was annoying and arrogant and a bit of a dickhead. She just needed to know he was okay.

She ran across the field towards him much faster than she was used to running. Her chest heaved and her lungs begged for relief but she pushed forward. All he needed to be healed was her, and she found herself desperate to provide. His name left her lips on their own accord and she watched him search for her in the small crowd that was forming around him. Lily pushed her way through the Slytherin team, earning her a few dirty looks, and practically collapsed by his side next to Sirius. It took everything in her to keep her from throwing herself on him to ease his pain. The only thing that held her back was that she was nowhere near ready for the whole school to know.

They were trying to convince him to go to the infirmary but she couldn't focus. She couldn't focus on anything other than the broken and protruding bone in his arm, not far from where she had burned him in class. It felt like so long ago.

"I want Lily to take me."

Lily's heart stopped so suddenly she feared she'd pass out. She felt Sirius look at her and she forced herself to meet his gaze. She knew he knew. How could he not? He moved out of her way, giving her direct access to James. She hesitated for only a second before she crawled over to his side. Her heart, which had by now resumed, felt as if it could explode out of her chest any second.

Sirius helped her bring James to his feet and asked if she could manage on her own. "I've got it," she answered as evenly as she could. "Keep the game playing. Or at least make sure Slytherin gets the foul for this. If we need help I'll send a signal, but we'll manage."

"Lily are you sure?" Marlene asked. The way she looked at her was a dead giveaway she was asking more than one thing.

She managed a smile. "Yeah, I'm sure. Meet you in the room later?"

"Absolutely."

James was still out of it but she was thankful he managed to walk on her own. She felt the familiar feeling of panic. Walls closing in on her that didn't exist. There were a million and one things she needed to say to him and now that he'd placed the opportunity in her lap she wasn't sure if she could do it. All of her Gryffindor courage seemed to have been left behind in the stands.

But she looked up at James, face contorted with pain and barely able to explain where the changing rooms were, and she knew that he deserved for her to at least try. So try she would.