Author's note: Trigger warning for severe substance use.

Defeated and hopeless were not the only emotions Lena was feeling. In addition, she felt anger pulsing through her veins. Not towards Kara - who she wanted to be angry with - but towards herself. She had relapsed. She had been kicked out of rehab. She had made those choices. Sure, her addictions clearly had a tight hold on her, but in the end, Lena knew it was on her to get the help she needed. And how could she have possibly rejected the help that Kara had worked so hard to arrange? How could she have given up in the face of her life's difficulty, knowing full well it would mean losing the closest person to her?

She had failed the only person who had ever deeply loved her.

And this was enough for Lena to give up on more than just her sobriety.

In fact, it was enough to give up on everything.

When Lena finally dragged herself home, more wasted than she'd ever been, and found herself alone in her room, she wasted no time downing two Klonopin and reaching for a needle. The friendly burn that took over when the drug was injected into her vein caused to her to let out a sigh of relief as tears dripped down her cheeks and onto her forearms. Soon, she was leaning back on the bed and fading out of consciousness.

~!~!~

By the time Lena woke in the hospital, with Kara sobbing over the bed, all she could feel was the world spinning and her heart racing.

She was still at first, trying to get her bearings and too weak to move initially, but as soon as her fingers twitched, Kara's head snapped up. Eyes locking with Lena's, the blonde's mouth hung open.

"You're alive!" Kara shouted, making Lena's head throb.

"What happened?" the brunette asked.

Mouth still hanging slightly open, Kara continued to stare into Lena's eyes, which were foggy with confusion. What was she supposed to say? How could she even explain? What she landed on was simple… and simply painful to say.

"It's my fault."

"What?" Lena mumbled, trying to sit up.

Kara put a hand on Lena's shoulder, gently easing her back against the pillow to encourage her to be still.

"It's my fault," the blonde repeated. "I broke up with you."

Blinking a few times, Lena responded, "Yeah, I know. What happened to me?"

"You… You…"

"What, Kara? How did I get here?"

"You need to rest," Kara asserted, sniffling and wiping her nose on her hoodie sleeve - the same hoodie Lena had given her the day they'd met.

Standing up, she turned her head in the direction of the door leading into the hospital's long, eerie, melancholy hallway. As in touch with her emotions as she was, Kara couldn't help but start to shut down. She didn't want to be the one to say, 'You went beyond fucked up, landed yourself in a coma, and we thought you were dead.' She wanted nothing more than to hold Lena, cry on her shoulder, and tell her it would be okay and how grateful she was that her former partner was alive. Still, it was too hard to explain, so Kara decided to leave.

Out of the corner of her eye, though, she noticed Lena weakly lifting her hand in order to, Kara had to assume, take the blonde's hand and keep her from leaving. This was more than enough to tug hard on Kara's heart strings, so she turned back, tears flowing freely again, and looked at Lena with intense sorrow in her eyes.

"Don't," was almost all Lena could manage. "Tell me. What did I do?"

"The doctors said you tested positive for just about everything, including Heroin. You were in a coma. They didn't think you were going to make it."

Lena's eyes went wide as she gaped, "I was in a coma?"

"You—" Kara tried, but was interrupted by a nurse and a doctor rushing into the room to tend to their patient.

"Don't!" the brunette suddenly shouted, taking all the energy she had, when the nurse - who had major resting bitch face - tried to shoo Kara out of the room.

Looking once at the doctor with an apologetic expression of understanding, Kara bit her lip and both literally and figuratively dug her heels in. If Lena wanted her there, there was no way in Hell she was leaving.

"Will you at least call her mother?" the nurse huffed.

Kara nodded and pulled her phone from her pocket, noticing the numerous notifications on her lock screen but ignoring every one of them in favor of pulling up Lillian's contact.

"She's awake," Kara said immediately, upon the connection of the call.

Sounding just as shocked as they both were feeling, Lena's mother asked, "Really?"

"No joke, thank God."

"I'll be right there."

"See you soon."

Once she'd hung up the phone, Kara turned to the nurse and said, "Her mother is on the way."

"Good."

Eyes moving back to Lena, Kara noticed that the star looked absolutely terrified.

"It's okay, Lee," the blonde whispered, giving her a nod of encouragement. "They're gonna take good care of you. And I'm right here."

"You're lucky to be alive, Miss Luthor," the doctor told the celebrity. "I've never seen anyone with as many substances in their system as you had when you were admitted. Three strokes and a heart attack. If you'd been brought in a few minutes later, we likely would have pronounced you dead on arrival."

Lena said nothing, too shocked to believe what she was hearing. Sure, she could remember getting kicked out of rehab. She could remember being at the club. She could remember the first glass of wine. Even Kara storming out on her. Their breakup. But heroin? Now, that, she couldn't remember. She must've been fucked up beyond reason to have resorted to something to severe. She must've given up.

The more Lena thought about it, the more it made sense. If they'd broken up, there would've been nothing else for her to live for. So why bother with sobriety when she could be reckless and get fucked up anyway? What better coping skill than something to make her completely forget? And it had worked, Lena realized. She'd forgotten everything.

Except Kara. She hadn't forgotten Kara. In fact, the pain of losing Kara was the last thing she could remember. And it was all that really mattered. Falling deeply back into this reality, Lena remained silent as the doctors poked, prodded, and tested her for various ailments.

Eventually, her mother left, and the doctors forced Kara to leave, despite her protests. Besides a nurse coming in once an hour to check on her, Lena was alone for the night. In and out of sleep - feeling exhausted despite having been unconscious for so long - Lena eventually woke around 3 in the morning with the most intense ache she'd ever felt. But it wasn't physical. It was emotional. The reality of her loss continued to pummel her until she could barely breathe, and as the panic attack finally hit her full-force, she could think of only one way out.

The plastic cup next to her seemed innocent enough. At least, until Lena crushed it, creating a few sharp edges in various spots where the plastic had cracked. Pushing the sheets down and her hospital gown up, Lena dragged the sharpest edge over her thigh, watching as the life pumping through her bubbled up red on her skin.

Twenty minutes later, when the nurse came to check on her and saw the large pool of red blood on the sheets, she called the doctor to the room in a panic. Having regained some of her strength - enough to make a scene - Lena thrashed in her bed when the nurse and doctor tried to tend to her wounds, to the point where they had to call in another nurse.

After a large hit of Haldol, Lena was out.

In the morning, Lena woke to a security guard sitting in the corner of her room and her food tray gone. In fact, pretty much everything in reach was gone.

"Fuck," she cursed. Then, looking up at the employee who was clearly there to protect her from herself, she announced, "I want to go home."

"I'm afraid that's not possible," the guard replied.

"Of course it is! I'll check myself out AMA."

"You can't leave against medical advice. The psychiatric nurse submitted a document to the court for Involuntary Emergency Admission, so that's no longer an option. You hurt yourself pretty badly, Miss. They don't feel you can be safe if you leave."

"What the fuck do they care if I can be safe? Fuck this. I'm calling my lawyer!"

"That's a good idea," the doctor interjected, appearing in the doorway. "You'll have a hearing where the judge determines if you were admitted against your will legally. Your lawyer will represent you with the intention of making sure your rights have not been violated. Until that time, you'll be transferred to the state's psychiatric facility."

"Wait, what? The fuck I will!" Lena yelled, her fury fueling her energy past the point of her capacity. "You can't—"

"Miss Luthor, the facts remain, whether you agree or not. The judge will decide, and if he determines that you need to be admitted, they'll be able to keep you in the hospital for up to ten days. At that time, if they determine that you continue to be a danger to yourself, they will do what's called a probate for another court hearing to keep you longer."

"FUCK that! I'm not—"

"You'll be transported this afternoon. You're lucky we found a bed for you this quickly. The mental health crisis in this state is atrocious. Beds are—"

"You know what, doc? Fuck off."

With that advice, the doctor shrugged his shoulders and left the room.