Applepaw started stalking the mouse.
He let himself be overwhelmed by the sounds and smells around him, and they caught up to his fur, his nose, his sight. The mouse skittered into the shadows, just like how he felt.
He couldn't see into the shadows, the overwhelming, the longest darkness. The same question that fought his mind fought his orange tabby pelt.
Am I good enough for you?
How long had this haunted him?
There was always a face in his way: the face of Frostpaw, his fellow apprentice and sister. She shone in his way, and she outshone him and his weak glow.
And there was Starpaw, the dainty black tabby, whose orange eyes shone with beauty and power, and her shine was brighter than Frostpaw's.
Deeper in his nightmares, she hated him.
And he deserved it.
Applepaw was dreaming, and he deserved it.
Voles swarmed him, and kittypets leered from the shadows. They snarled at him, mocking him, hating him, and telling him he was useless.
Am I good enough for you?
Starpaw came and unleashed more voles, and Frostpaw came with hawks. His whole body was wrecked and shattered, with bones scattered.
He deserved this.
His eyes stretched open.
"Frostpaw…no…oh, StarClan…no…please…no…I loved you…I have always loved you…Starpaw…."
"What…there's something wrong with him! I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, I never meant-"
Starpaw…her voice weaving through the song of dew…owls…bears' angry snarls as they clutched the memory of a stolen piece of prey…the anguished howls of dying apprentices…bones as they snapped…ice as it shattered…
"Wake up, Applepaw! Wake up! Wake up!" Frostpaw's anguished howl…dying cats…voles…owls reaching to grab him with talons outstretched….
"Up! Please!" Sunpaw's fractured voice was stolen from the sun.
Am I good enough for you?
It's wrong. It's wrong. It's wrong. It's wrong. No cat cares. No cat wants. Every cat wants you to wonder.
Who?
I? Ah, I am some cat no cat should know.
No! Tell me! Applepaw fought back against the voice in his head.
Sparks are flying. Ice is dying. Icefire is rising. In the end, nothing will triumph.
Stop!
No. You support the wrong path. Starpaw and Frostpaw are nothing. Someday, I will show you what I mean.
Don't look behind you! Look at me now!
Don't look behind you. Look at me now. Notice my mocking tone. You will understand.
His life was broken.
And he deserved it.
Blazeflame sat in his cage. To let the wasps come now would leave a broken life. There was no cat who would listen to him, not even Applepaw.
In Applepaw's haze of love, there was insecurity hanging on fractured wires, the world on fire. Blazeflame was a caged bird. This was his prison.
He had let the wasps come down.
This was his fault.
Guilt tugged at his pelt.
And he deserved it.
Am I good enough for you?
Every passing season, a new brand seared onto Applepaw's mind. Stardew and Froststrike were warriors, and he was Applepaw.
Not just Applepaw, my friend. The cat who can cage the wasps. The anger is waiting, but the sun awakes.
To awaken would be a betrayal now.
Applepaw waited for his friend to reappear.
But the cat didn't.
And he deserved it.