iGuy Talk
It was third period study hall for Carly, Sam, and Freddie. All of the students in the room were dutifully working on their various assignments while the teacher, Mr. Qualls, was sound asleep at his desk, snoring loudly.
Carly was busy studying their driver's ed vocabulary words, Freddie was working on re-reading their entire current chapter in preparation for the quiz later in the day, and Sam was…
"Uh, what're you doing?" Freddie asked. He'd briefly taken his eyes off the textbook in front of him and saw what Sam was occupied with.
At hearing those words, Carly also lifted her head and looked over at her girlfriend, squinting her eyes in confusion from seeing what Sam was up to.
"Yeah, what are you doing?" she echoed, setting down her pencil.
"Y'know how I wanted to take shop class this semester, but the guidance counselor wouldn't let me 'cause I've had too many "incidents" involving sharp objects this year?"
"Uh-huh…"
"So I had to take home ec instead?"
"Yeah…"
"This is my homework," Sam said, gesturing to what she'd been working on. On the desk in front of her was a jar of relish, a clove of garlic, some orange, banana, and potato peels, vanilla extract, bagels, deli-bought tuna salad, grape jelly, marshmallow fluff, and an assortment of baby foods.
"We had to come up with a new, original recipe. This is what I'm workin' with," she explained.
"Huh," Freddie said, still taking all the foodstuffs in.
"Why just the peels, though?" Carly asked, noticing that the food associated with them was nowhere in sight.
"I got hungry," Sam said with a shrug. Carly nodded, not even questioning the fact that Sam had implied she'd eaten a raw potato. Out of everyone she knew, Sam would definitely be most likely to do that.
"So what were you thinking of making?" Freddie questioned.
"Eh, I dunno. Some new, interesting bagel spread."
"Interesting is definitely…one word for it," Freddie conceded. "But is it even edible?"
"I guess we'll find out. Mrs. Henderson has to eat it, not me. Though I wouldn't mind trying it."
"If you eat any part of that and I'm never kissing you again," Carly warned.
"Hey-" Sam started to protest.
"I don't wanna go anywhere near the radioactive dump your mouth will be after ingesting that."
"Your creation does look super disgusting," Freddie agreed.
"It kinda reminds me of you in that way, Fredweird."
"Alright, Sam, that's-"
"Wait!" Carly cut in, making the other two stop and look at her. "You never do homework or projects, Sam, so why are you doing this?" Carly asked, genuinely curious. (Though she was also trying to derail yet another Sam and Freddie fight.)
"I had to! If I turn this in, it'll totally save my grade since I never do any of the other stuff in home ec 'cause I hate it. Plus, I've been skipping that class twice as much since we started taking driver's ed, so-"
"You what?" Carly interrupted.
"The first day we ever had driver's ed, when Mr. Calderon said that if we missed one class we were out, I started skipping regular class more often," Sam filled her in.
"Do you wanna get truancy?" Carly demanded. "And have the cops show up at your house?!"
"First of all, that wouldn't be the first time the police have knocked on my front door," Sam pointed out. "Second, I cannot handle going to each period every single day, plus an extra class on top of that. I'll just go crazy if I do. So, I skip regular classes to cope."
"Where do you go during that time? You're not getting into even more trouble, are you?"
"No, I usually just go to the library and take a nap on the couch in there."
"The librarian lets you get away with that?" Freddie asked.
"She's practically deaf and already half-blind, so it's not like she notices."
"But what-"
"And I'm not about to miss any driver's ed classes, 'cause I want my license so badly. The school doesn't really care if you're flunking electives anyway."
"That may be true, but-"
Just then, the bell rang, and the students began pouring out of the room and into the hallway. Carly and Freddie gathered their things and stood up from their chairs, but watched Sam haphazardly throw all of her miscellaneous food items into her backpack.
"Aren't you afraid that'll ruin your textbooks?" Freddie asked.
"Nah, not really. It's not like I used 'em anyway," Sam said with a shrug, zipping up her bag and slinging it over her shoulder. "C'mon, let's get to lunch. I'm pretty sure they're serving tater tots in the cafeteria today," she urged, walking towards the door, hoping to head off the incoming Carly lecture. She always appreciated her girlfriend's concern, of course, but didn't think it was necessary. The only apprehension she had towards her textbooks being covered in food was whether or not she'd have to pay for that at the end of the year, because they most likely wouldn't be needed in the meantime.
"So, what's everyone most excited to do once they get their license?" Sam asked, trying to change the subject as they walked down the hall, towards their lockers. "Me, I can't wait to drive down to Hey Foods to pick up a few packages of Fat Cakes and a couple bottles of root beer to wash them down with. What about you, Carls?"
"Oh, uh…" Carly stalled. She hadn't really given it much thought. Well, she had, but those were thoughts she couldn't say in front of Freddie (because they involved her and Sam). "Probably just all of us hanging out and being able to drive around with no adults and total freedom."
"Yeah, that sounds alright," Sam agreed. No adults, total freedom, a vehicle, herself, and Carly did sound like a pretty good time, she had to say. A pretty good time that had crossed her mind once or twice (or nine or ten) times before.
"Well, I know what the best thing about getting my license will be," Freddie boasted, right as the girls reached their lockers and began spinning their combinations.
"And what's that?" Sam asked, putting her backpack in her locker. "You'll go buy your own antibacterial underpants now?"
"No!" Freddie shouted. "And I quit wearing those a long time ago!"
"Then what?" Carly asked, grabbing her lunch.
"The ladies are gonna be crawling over me. They'll all want a piece of the ol' Fredster when they find out I can drive."
Carly and Sam exchanged glances before looking back at Freddie and bursting into laughter. Freddie glared at the two in return.
"What?!" he demanded. "Just what is so funny?!"
"Everything you just said," Carly managed in between giggles.
"You really think you'll be able to drive and suddenly all the girls at Ridgeway are gonna want you?" Sam asked, laughter interspersed between her words.
"Well, yeah," Freddie replied. "I thought girls liked guys with cars."
"Not the Prius that they borrowed from their mom," Carly said.
"Well, then, how am I gonna get a girl to notice me?!"
"You really wanna know?" Sam asked. Freddie nodded.
"Well, then, c'mon, boy," Sam said, slinging her arm over Freddie's shoulder as she led him down the hall.
"Wait, can I come with?!" Carly called after them from her locker. Sam and Freddie stopped, each of them turning to look at her over their shoulders.
"Not this time, Cupcake. This is 'guy stuff.'"
"Wha-what? But you're not even a guy!" Carly yelled back, dumbfounded.
"Neither are you!" Sam called to her before resuming walking with Freddie. Carly slammed her locker shut and glared at the two as they strode down the hall and away from her.
"Freduccini and I will meet you later, in the cafeteria!" Sam yelled back once more before her and Freddie turned a corner, disappearing out of Carly's sight. She crossed her arms and stomped to the lunchroom, grumbling to herself all the way.
"So, ya wanna know to pick up chicks?" Sam asked, redirecting her attention back to an eager Freddie. He nodded furiously.
"Yes. Very much," he replied.
"Well, you gotta start with your looks."
"Looks?" Freddie questioned.
"Mhm. You gotta be totally smokin' hot to get a girl's attention. In your case, that'll be tough."
"Hey!" Freddie protested. "That's hurtful!"
"They do say beauty is pain," Sam retorted. "But even if you're not hot, I'm sure there's some girl out there who'll find you…appealing," she grimaced, looking Freddie up and down. Personally, she didn't see it.
"You really think so?" he asked hopefully.
"Totally," Sam nodded. "I'm sure there's lots of chicks into frail, scrawny dudes."
"So you're saying I should start hitting the gym?" Freddie inferred, trying to get any piece of advice from Sam's words.
"Yeah, that might work for you," Sam conceded. "You're not tall, so you'll definitely have to make up for that somehow."
"Okay, start working out," Freddie went on, ignoring Sam's insulting comments. "What else? Like, how did you get with Carly? Not that I want to get with Carly, just that…well, y'know, learn from the expert and everything," he tried, trying to flatter Sam.
"That's a tough one," Sam answered. "'Cause honestly, I'm not entirely sure why she's with me, either. Between you and me, I think she could do way better," she admitted. To Sam, Carly was way out of her league. Every single day it surprised her that they were actually in a steady, committed relationship.
She was also surprised that she was being this open with Freddie, someone she'd once earnestly hated with every ounce of her being. But things do change. Since her and Carly started going out, Freddie and her had started to really get along better and seemed to be developing a closer Carly did seem to approve of.
"But I do have a few ideas on what attracts her to me," she went on.
"What are they?" Freddie asked.
"My good looks, charming personality, and hilarious sense of humor," Sam explained.
"Well, since you already implied earlier that I was ugly-"
"You said it, not me."
"And told me in the past exactly why I don't handle the creative aspects of iCarly-"
"Not my fault you're as funny as a pail of dry sand."
"Then I guess I'll have to rely on my 'charming personality' to attract girls."
"Sure! Yeah! Except…"
"I'm not too charismatic either, huh?"
"No, not really."
"Ugh! Did you agree to this just so you would have opportunities to criticize me?!" Freddie demanded, coming to a standstill and flinging Sam's arm off him.
"Dude, you keep interrupting! It's not my fault you're so easy to insult; if you'd just shuddup then I'd finally be able to give you some tips."
"Fine, I'll be quiet then. Just please tell me something useful," he begged.
"I will," Sam assured, rubbing her hands together in anticipation. "Now, to impress a girl and make her want to date you, you gotta play to your strengths. For example, I'm super funny, so if I were trying to attract someone—which I'm not, because I'm very happy in the relationship I'm currently in—I'd tell a clever joke, or make some humorous, witty comment."
"So you're saying I should be funny?"
"I said play to your strengths, not flaunt your weaknesses. No, for you, you're really smart. So try to find someone who likes that. But don't do that in a show-offy, bragging way."
"Okay," Freddie nodded, trying to take in everything Sam said.
"Don't interrupt and don't over-explain things, either. Try to bond over common interests, too. Like the clubs you're in; there's gotta be some chicks in them, right?"
"No," Freddie answered sadly. "The Training Bros. don't even let girls join."
"Sounds like a nice environment," Sam said with a grimace. An all-dude space didn't seem appealing to her. Guys like that were usually pretty unpleasant to be around. It wouldn't be very visually appealing, either.
"It's alright. I just go for the trains, mainly. The other guys-"
"Do you wanna talk about your sausage-fest of a club some more or how to get girls!?" Sam cut in, feeling bored at the conversation's direction.
"Uh, girls please."
"Good. Also, here's a tip: don't talk about your model train club with any girl you wanna date, unless you want her to find you super unattractive and be turned off from you forever."
"Noted," Freddie said with a nod.
"But there's still one more thing I gotta tell ya, and this one's important for you, Fredward: learn to listen to 'no!'"
Freddie shifted his eyes away nervously.
"If someone obviously doesn't like you, then don't pursue them! You wanna be with someone who's actually into you, so look for a person who seems to want to be in a relationship with you; not someone who rejects all of your advances."
"Okay, okay, I get it!" Freddie replied exasperated. "I shouldn't've held out hope for Carly for so long. And in the future, I'll just go after girls who seem interested in me."
"That's good. So, to recap, what all have you learned here?"
"To be myself, be polite, and don't force things," Freddie answered. "And don't talk about trains," he added with a small smile, which Sam returned.
"Perfect," Sam nodded happily. "I've done well with you."
"That's it?!" Freddie cried. "I thought you were gonna teach me some moves or pick-up lines!"
"No way! You try to be all "smooth" and that'll be an even bigger turn-off than your model trains!"
"You didn't even tell me how to meet someone," Freddie complained.
"Don't force that either," Sam advised. "All I can say is, just be patient and someone'll surprise you."
"You mean that?"
"Uh-huh. Like me and Carly; just when I was gonna give up hope on ever being with her, well…things happen when you least expect it," Sam said, a small smile on her face as she thought back to her and Carly getting together.
Freddie smiled back at Sam happily. He didn't really know the full story around his friends getting together (surrounding circumstances, yes, but he'd readily accepted their coupling up) and almost wanted to ask about it. However, before he could, Sam spoke up.
"Speaking of Carly, we should probably head back to her. I don't think she liked that we ditched her earlier."
"Yeah, I don't think she was too happy, either," Freddie agreed, slightly nervous at the prospect of an angry Carly. She could be feisty when she was upset. It wasn't nearly as bad as an irritated Sam, though.
"Alright, Freddude, c'mon," Sam said, putting her arm back over his shoulder. Freddie did the same, and two walked in step back down the hall they came from, headed to the cafeteria.
"I do know why she's with you, though," Freddie said after a bit, looking Sam in the eyes while they continued walking. The hallways were deserted, as everyone was either at lunch or in class.
"What?" Sam asked, scrunching up her eyebrows. "What're you talking about?"
"Earlier, when you said you didn't know why Carly was with you. I know why."
"Then enlighten me, please," Sam replied, half-sarcastically.
"'Cause you're Carly and Sam. You guys just…fit. You both know how good you are for each other. Carly takes care of you when you're sick, makes sure your homework gets done, and feeds you. You go to girly places like Glitter Gloss and Build-a-Bra with her, protect her, and always make her laugh when she's feeling down."
"Yeah, but-"
"And if don't know why she's with you, then you don't deserve to be-"
"Woah, woah, woah, hold your roll there! I was kinda exaggerating earlier, yanno! I do think Carly's too good for me, but I try to be the kind of person she deserves to be with."
"Well, that's good then. 'Cause you were meant for each other. Seriously. It's almost sickening how perfect you two are for each other."
"Yeah, yeah, we're 'soulmates' or whatever. Thanks for your words, Freddie, they meant a lot. Look, we're almost there," Sam said, pointing at the cafeteria doors in front of them. That was good, because she was feeling very hungry, and she didn't want to keep Carly waiting a moment longer. She could only guess how wazzed off her girlfriend would be when they got there.
"You're welcome. And thanks for your advice, too."
"No problem," Sam said as the pair walked through the door, instinctively stepping away from each other. Walking like that in an empty hall was one thing, but in a crowded lunchroom, full of bored students looking for some drama? Yeah, no way.
"But one more thing, though…what about, like-"
"You're on your own there, bud," Sam interrupted, guessing what Freddie meant and patting him on the shoulder. Not that she had much advice to give in that area. Her own experience was pretty limited.
"You didn't even know what-"
"Oh, look, there's Carly!" Sam said, pointing to their usual table where her girlfriend sat alone. "And she looks ticked," she noticed.
"Gee, I wonder why, considering you abandoned her earlier," Freddie said as they approached the table.
"You ditched her, too!"
"Yeah, but I'm not her girlfriend," Freddie pointed out with a smirk.
"Whatever," Sam said, rolling her eyes as the two reached the table. "Hey, Cupcake!" she greeted excitedly, moving around the table to sit by Carly.
Carly just glared up at Sam, putting a baby carrot in her mouth and angrily crunching down on it as Sam took a seat.
"Hi, Carly," Freddie said nervously, sitting down across from them and putting his bag on the table. She glanced over at him and threw him the same mean look.
"Hello, Freddie," she answered coldly before going back to staring Sam down.
"So…whadya bring for lunch?" Sam asked, trying to lighten the atmosphere. Freddie grimaced as he took out his own food (whole grain vegan grilled cheese) and began quietly eating it, trying to stay out of the couple's quarrel.
"I'm not sure I can tell you. It might be 'guy stuff,' which I'm not allowed to talk about," Carly replied in a biting tone. Sam's eyes widened a little at her response.
"Well, if you brought something like a reuben or meatloaf sandwich then yeah, maybe. But your usual peanut butter and jelly isn't very manly," Sam said back, hoping that a joke would lighten up the atmosphere.
"That's not the point!" Carly said angrily, crossing her arms at Sam. "You and Freddie totally ditched me earlier! I had to sit at our lunch table alone, like a loser, for five minutes!"
"Relax, Carls. You're not in any danger of being the school's biggest loser so long as Frednard and Gibby go here."
"Hey!" Freddie tried to defend himself, but it was hampered by the fact that he had a mouthful of imitation cheese.
"Shut your mouth, fake cheese boy, before you choke on your food," Sam said to him before turning her attention back to Carly. "And anyway, we weren't gone for all that long. Like you said, it was only five minutes."
"Yeah, but five minutes feels like a lot when your two best friends just abandon you to talk about girls!" Carly shot back, still fuming.
"Okay, you're right, we shouldn't have left you. I'm sorry," Sam apologized. "Really sorry."
"I appreciate that, but I don't know if I'm ready to forgive you yet."
"Ready to for…what, why? Look, I'm sorry! I realize how embarrassed you must have been just sitting here all alone. Fredwad's sorry, too, aren't ya, Fredpuss?"
"Yes, I'm sorry, too, Carly. Sam and I shouldn't have been so inconsiderate," he said, looking up from his grilled cheese.
"Thank you, Freddie. I accept your apology," Carly said to him. Freddie smiled at her and she smiled back before he returned his attention back to his lunch.
"But as for you," Carly said sternly, focusing her gaze on Sam again.
"What?! You're gonna forgive that dweeb but not me?! Your girlfriend?!"
"Yes, because you're my girlfriend! I don't like a friend doing that to me, much less my partner!"
"Ugh! I'm really sorry, okay?!"
"But how sorry?"
"Huh?"
"How sorry? Like, what would you do to show me how sorry you are?"
"Uh…should we really be talking about this in front of Freddie?" Sam asked, gesturing to the boy.
"Sam!" Carly scolded, her face turning a bit red (as was Freddie's). "I meant something else; nothing like that!"
"Well, what did you have in mind?" Sam questioned, feeling slightly disappointed.
"After school today, could we maybe…hang out at your house instead?"
"Hang out at my house?!" Sam asked in disbelief. "But, why? Your apartment is way better than the grungy shack I live in."
"My apartment is nice," Carly conceded, not wanting to put down Sam's residence. "But we go there every day. I want a change of scenery."
"I dunno…" Sam started. She liked going to the Shay loft because it was so comfortable, colorful, and inviting. Not like the tiny, cramped house she lived in.
"C'mon, please? I think I deserve it, after you abandoned me."
"I just…what if my mom's there?"
"You've said she's almost never home, anyway. But just text her and find out, okay?"
"Okay," Sam said with a sigh, pulling out her phone from her pocket. She didn't want to hang out at her house with Carly, but if that would help with her girlfriend forgiving her, then she would (reluctantly) agree.
After shooting out a quick text to her mother, Sam pocketed her phone and sat quietly at the table, looking at the two others surrounding her.
"So, what did you tell him about picking up chicks?" Carly asked, trying to break the silence as she took her peanut butter and jelly out.
"Well, I don't have any interest in picking up chicks," Sam made clear, being completely happy in her own relationship and not wanting another fight, "but I told Fredlumps here to be polite, be himself, and talk about shared interests."
"You're looking for a girl who likes pirates, then?" Carly teased, looking over at Freddie.
"Carly!" Freddie whispered out, eyes wide.
"Oh my God, you like pirates, too?! Geez, better be careful, Freedo. Any more nubbiness and your body might explode."
Carly laughed at that, and even Freddie sat back and smiled a bit, as Sam's comment was kinda funny. After that, all the bad feelings from earlier were gone, and the three friends had a nice, enjoyable lunch together, talking and laughing like nothing had ever happened.
This is short, but thats because its the set-up for the next chapter, which will be very funny and very enjoyable read, I must say, so please stay tuned for that. I think updates will continue to be kinda sparse for a little while because I'm so busy right now, but please just have patience and bear with me, folks.
An another note, I recently purchased and read Josh Peck's book Happy People are Annoying. I have to say, its a 6/10. I think Josh Peck should stick to acting. No offense to him, he's a funny guy and seems really nice, but he could use a few pointed on how to write (which I'd be willing to impart). If you have a friend you could loan you the book or if your library had it, I would say check it out, but don't spend the money on it. I do have more to say regarding his book, but I'll stop myself there.