The Wonders Of Nature

by Red Witch

The ghosts go on a nature walk.

Some critters ate the disclaimer telling you that I don't own Ghosts characters. Just some fun little madness from my tiny little mind.

The Wonders of Nature

"Why can't we just watch TV this afternoon?" Trevor asked the other ghosts as they hung out in the living room.

"Because Jay and Mark are playing video games this afternoon," Hetty explained. "And do not want to be disturbed. Some kind of playdate I assume."

"So? We can watch another TV in another room!" Trevor pointed out. "Thor and I have a TV in our room! Why can't we watch it in there?"

Pete explained. "Because Sam thinks we all watch too much TV as it is and I agreed. I promised her that we would do a fun healthy activity together!"

"Pete, we're dead," Sasappis looked at him. "How healthy can this possibly be?"

"Come on guys," Pete told them. "This will be fun. Remember we entertained ourselves without TV for a long time."

"Twenty years, six months, three weeks and four days," Trevor groaned.

"Look we missed out on a lot of things," Sasappis pointed out. "We need to catch up!"

"It won't kill us to take an afternoon away from the television," Isaac admitted. "Mostly because we're already dead. But Pete does have a point. We are starting to become a bit too dependent on that device."

"Fine," Sasappis sighed. "But no Food or Movie Club!"

"If we do a Movie Club," Alberta spoke up. "We have to watch the damn movie first!"

"And no lectures or anything like that," Trevor added.

"Agreed," Hetty nodded. "How about we all go for a walk? We haven't done a good group walk in a while."

"That's a great idea Hetty!" Pete said cheerfully. "We can go on a nature hike!"

"Oh joy," Isaac rolled his eyes.

"It will be fun," Pete went on. "We can watch the birds. We can look at the flowers that are starting to bloom. We can walk by the lake and look at the…"

Pete then looked at Trevor who was giving him a look. "Okay maybe not by the lake?" Pete caught himself. "There are other places we can walk. Oh, we haven't been on the southeastern side of the property in years."

"Yeah, and you remember why?" Alberta asked. "There was a family of skunks there."

"Not anymore," Pete pointed out. "Jay and Sam hired someone to take care of that last week."

"Well, if we must," Isaac sighed. "It is a change in our routine."

Soon the group was outside in a small wooded area. "Isn't this lovely?" Pete grinned. "The fresh air! The sunshine! The trees!"

"That's all I see," Trevor looked around. "You've seen one tree you've pretty much seen them all. Oh, what I wouldn't give for someone to put up a Starbucks around here."

"I'd put in one of those pizza places," Sasappis sighed.

"Nice," Trevor agreed. "Oh, a Starbucks and a pizza place combined! That would be awesome!"

"That would be perfect!" Sasappis agreed. "With some kind of takeout window."

"Obviously," Trevor nodded. "And maybe a little outside patio area for dining?"

"That would be nice," Sasappis nodded.

"Come on you two," Pete looked at them. "You're looking at nature! Don't you appreciate and understand the beauty of it?"

"Don't lecture me on nature, Pete. Thor and I saw a lot of nature those hundreds of years we spent in the woods before Woodstone Mansion was built," Sasappis groaned. "It wasn't all that it was cracked up to be!"

"I was there for some of that too," Isaac admitted. "No, it was not."

Trevor added. "As far as I'm concerned nature belongs in Central Park."

"Okay Trevor I get why you have trouble appreciating nature," Pete sighed. "But Sass? I thought you believed in the sanctity of the land being untouched by the modern world?"

"Pete after over 500 years I'm willing to make a compromise," Sasappis told him.

Trevor had another idea. "Ooh! You know what would be great? A Victoria's Secret store with a huge window display."

Sasappis added. "Two compromises."

Alberta spoke up. "I could go for a nice little cabaret. A jazz club with a bar and restaurant."

Hetty thought. "A couple of little shops couldn't hurt either."

"A candle shop would be nice," Flower added.

"Yes!" Thorfinn nodded. "Definitely. Maybe a place that sells herring dishes?"

"And we have to have some kind of theater district," Isaac added. "I mean that would bring in the crowds."

"Smart," Trevor nodded. "A couple of offices. Maybe offer some tax breaks?"

"You guys are unbelievable," Pete snapped. "I'm trying to get you all to appreciate the wonders of nature and you all want to build a city!"

"Peter it's not that we don't appreciate nature," Hetty explained. "It's just…"

"We've been looking at it for decades!" Alberta snapped.

"In some cases, centuries," Issacs added.

"Over a millennium here!" Thorfinn added.

"Come on guys!" Pete pleaded. "Can we at least try to enjoy the day?"

"Fine," Isaac sighed. "Oh look. A tree. How fabulous."

"Look over there," Alberta pointed. "Another tree."

"Here a tree," Trevor remarked. "There a tree."

"Everywhere a tree-tree," Thorfinn snickered.

"Okay, come on!" Pete snapped. "Look! Over there! There are some lovely flowers!"

"Oh goody," Sasappis rolled his eyes. "We're looking at flowers."

The ghosts moved over to get a better look. "Pete, you realize we're looking at dandelions, right?" Isaac sighed.

"They're still a pretty yellow," Pete defended.

"They're weeds, Peter," Hetty rolled her eyes.

"Says who?" Flower asked. "Who decides what flowers are pretty and what flowers are weeds? Let flowers be flowers without all those labels man! It probably hurts the flowers' feelings when you call them weeds. Unless of course those plants are actual weed. I could really go for some weed right about now."

"Let's keep walking," Pete suggested.

"Well at least it's a nice day," Isaac remarked as they walked.

"That's the spirit!" Pete said cheerfully. "Oh, listen to the birds."

The ghosts listened. "They are quite pleasant to listen to, aren't they?" Isaac admitted.

"It's not exactly Cab Calloway but they're okay," Alberta shrugged.

"Charming," Hetty sighed.

Pete smiled. "Can you imagine what birds are saying in their happy little song?"

"Thor knows exactly what birds are saying," Thorfinn looked at Pete. "They are claiming what part of their territory is theirs and telling all intruders to stay out or else they will be pecked to death!"

"Seriously?" Trevor did a double take.

"Well maybe not the pecked to death part," Sasappis remarked. "But the rest of that's pretty accurate."

Alberta looked at Sasappis. "Wait are you telling us that when birds sing, they're telling other birds to get lost?"

"Exactly," Sasappis nodded. "They're saying: Get out of my territory! This is my territory!"

"What do you mean this is your territory?" Trevor mocked. "This is my territory!"

"No, this is my territory!" Sasappis called out. "My territory!"

"Nope!" Thor flapped his arms. "This is Chirpy Chirp Bird territory! Chirpy Chirp Bird territory! HA! HA! HA!" Sasappis and Trevor laughed with Thorfinn.

Pete glared at them. "Do you three want to go back to the house?"

"Yes!" Thorfinn, Sasappis and Trevor said at the same time.

"No such luck!" Alberta snapped. "If we have to do this, so do you!"

"Come on this isn't that bad," Isaac remarked. "I mean a nice relaxing walk in the woods…"

Just then a bird dive bombed through Isaac. "AAAGGHH! Okay that's not so relaxing!"

"Are the birds attacking us?" Hetty gasped.

"No, no…" Pete pointed. "It was after that worm over there. It's eating the worm."

"RRARRR!"

The ghosts jumped back. "And now the bird just got eaten by a cat!"

"Good kitty!" Isaac called out. "Yes, go eat that nasty bird! What? That bird had it coming!"

"Where did a cat come from?" Alberta asked.

"It's not wearing a collar," Sasappis remarked. "So, it must be feral."

Trevor had a thought. "Can cats see us?"

The cat sniffed and took its prey deeper into the woods. "Well, if it can it's ignoring us," Pete remarked.

"So basically, cats treat ghosts and the livings the same," Hetty shrugged.

"Nice to see some species don't discriminate," Alberta added.

Pete suggested. "Let's move on, shall we?"

The ghosts walked further into the woods, occasionally walking through trees. "Oh, look over here!" Pete pointed. "Here are some more flowers. These are a rare species of blooming poison ivy."

"How pretty," Hetty remarked.

"Over there is another species of poison ivy," Pete pointed. "And then there's some poison oak over here. And over there more poison ivy. And some thorn bushes right there."

"So glad plants can't affect me," Trevor remarked.

"And over here right behind these bushes," Pete looked. "A partially unearthed human skull."

"What a joyful little field trip this is," Isaac remarked as they went for a look. "Oh, and some bones as well. Whose body is that?"

"Not mine," Sasappis remarked. "I'm on the other side of the property."

"Definitely not mine," Hetty remarked.

"Mine's in the lake," Trevor added.

"Is it Crash's skull?" Flower asked as she looked in.

"No, Crash died on other side of property," Thorfinn remarked.

"Plus, the cops picked up his head when they investigated that gang fight," Alberta added. "I'll never forget the look on that rookie who had to pick up the head."

"I remember that!" Sasappis began to snicker. "He was like…" He made a frightened face. "Oh! Oh! Dead head! Dead head! AAAAHHH!"

"That was funny!" Thorfinn laughed. "Then he peed himself!"

"He did!" Alberta chuckled. "He so did!"

"Oh my God that's hilarious!" Trevor laughed. "I wish I could have seen that!"

"I saw that," Isaac remarked. "That was enjoyable!"

The ghosts laughed for a bit. Then Alberta blinked. "Wait then whose body is this?"

"Could it be one of the cholera pit ghosts?" Flower asked.

"No, all their bodies were burnt to the ground centuries ago," Thorfinn waved.

"Well then, whose body is this?" Hetty asked. "I'd like to know who else is running around here."

"This body has been here for a long time," Sasappis bent down for a better look. "At least about eighty, ninety years?"

"Male or female?" Alberta asked.

"Can't really tell without looking at the femur," Sasappis remarked. "And honestly I don't feel like putting my head in the dirt right now."

"Well, if this body has been here that long wouldn't have we seen the ghost?" Pete asked.

Trevor pointed out. "Elias was here for a long time and we didn't see his ghost until recently."

"Good point," Isaac remarked. "Well, this is a mystery."

"It's also possible that this person was killed somewhere else," Alberta remarked. "And the body was dumped off into the woods to hide it from the cops. My bootlegger buddies did it all the time."

"If you have to hide a body this is a pretty remote place to do it," Sasappis got up.

"Tell me about it," Trevor grumbled.

"I've been here almost a hundred years," Alberta realized. "It could be a bootlegging thing. I know there was an active bootlegging operation going on."

"Of course, you do," Hetty grumbled. "Because one of my descendants was in charge of it! Remember? He did a lot of his planning and scheming in the library! But I don't remember him actively killing anyone or giving any orders to kill anyone."

"He could have done that off the property," Isaac pointed out. "He didn't spend that much time here. Just the occasional weekend."

"Wait there was a bootlegging operation going on at Woodstone Mansion?" Trevor asked. "I never knew this!"

"You never asked," Hetty said haughtily.

"You could have told that story instead of the day Pete went on and on about knots!" Trevor snapped back.

"Fair enough," Hetty admitted. "All right the next time Peter tells a boring lecture I'll tell you all about that debacle."

"Hey!" Pete snapped. "Wait should we tell Sam about this?"

"I don't think that's a good idea," Isaac remarked. "First of all, we don't know who this is. Secondly, she has a lot going on with getting the mansion ready for guests."

"She's already stressed enough as it is," Sasappis shook his head. "This is not going to help."

"Yeah, a dead body found on the property will not exactly bring in the customers," Trevor agreed. "And if they do, not the customers Sam and Jay want."

The ghosts murmured an agreement. "Trevor's right," Pete sighed. "This would not look good on one of those online review things. Plus, this body has been here a long time without anyone noticing it."

"It is rather out of the way," Isaac remarked. "Hidden by all the poison ivy and thorn bushes. All right how about this? We say nothing unless we either know if there's another ghost running around here. Or if someone is about to find the body for some reason."

"Agreed," Hetty nodded. "Samantha has enough on her plate without her worrying about all this."

"Let's continue with our walk, shall we?" Isaac asked as they moved on.

"Sorry about you being dead dude," Flower said to the bones.

"Real shame," Thorfinn agreed as they left.

"See?" Pete said cheerfully as they went on their walk. "You never know what you'll find on a nature hike."

Sasappis quipped. "Weeds, dead bodies and cats. Yeah. Thrilling."

"Technically we only find one body," Thorfinn corrected.

"Hey look over there!" Flower pointed. "At that cute little chipmunk!"

"Aw it is cute," Alberta remarked. "Look at it stuffing it's face with nuts."

"Look at that snake right behind it," Trevor pointed.

"Oh no," Pete gulped. "Chipmunk! Chipmunk! Look out! Look out! LOOK…"

"HISSSSS!"

"SQUEEEEE!"

"Oooh," The ghosts winced as one.

Except for Thorfinn. "Cool."

"Look!" Flower pointed.

Suddenly emerging from the snake was the ghost of the chipmunk. "Chipmunks can become ghosts?" Pete blinked. "I did not know that."

"That's interesting," Sasappis blinked.

"Ooh! Maybe chipmunk could be Thorfinn's new Oskar?" Thorfinn said happily.

Suddenly a red light shone from under the ghost chipmunk. "EEEEEEEE!" It screamed as it went down.

"Or maybe not?" Thorfinn gulped.

"AAAAAHHHH!" Everyone screamed and jumped in panic.

"What…What…?" Trevor whimpered. "What could a chipmunk have done to go down like that?"

"I don't know," Sasappis gulped. "And I don't want to know."

Pete blinked. "I mean if it was one of those rabbits from Watership Down I could see it. But a chipmunk?"

"So, the snake was a good guy in this situation," Trevor rationalized.

"Snakes do eliminate rodents," Isaac remarked. "Bad evil rodents."

"Let's keep moving!" Pete called out. "Quickly!"

They all ran a short distance and stopped near another set of bushes. "Okay this has been a very informative hike so far…" Pete gulped.

"A little too informative for my tastes!" Hetty snapped.

"I told you we should have stayed inside and watched TV!" Trevor looked at Pete.

"Look here are some lovely bushes with flowers in them," Pete pointed.

"We just saw a freaking chipmunk go down on us!" Alberta snapped. "You think a bunch of plants is going to make that better?"

"Well, I don't see you coming up with a better idea!" Pete shouted.

"Hang on," Sasappis looked. "I think there's something in these bushes." He poked his head in. "It's a barrel! Well part of a barrel."

"Let me see!" Alberta poked her head in. "That's definitely a bootleg barrel! I'd know stuff like that anywhere!"

"Is there any booze in there?" Trevor perked up. "Oh, please let there be some alcohol in there so I can smell it!"

"Yes!" Hetty and Isaac agreed.

Sasappis poked his head into the barrel. "Uh no…" He pulled out. "There's another dead body in there."

"Aw man!" Trevor groaned.

"Bummer dude," Flower groaned.

"Okay now we see more than one body," Thorfinn shrugged.

"This one's definitely a guy," Sasappis took another look. "Looks like he was killed before his body was stuffed in the barrel."

"So that ghost is definitely not on the property," Alberta sighed.

"Most likely not on the property," Isaac shrugged. "Unless that ghost really likes it out here. Or is very shy. Again, let's not say anything about this to Samantha."

"Hey!" Flower had her head poked in another bush. "I found a foot over here."

"Oh, dear lord," Hetty rolled her eyes. "I can see where this is going."

"I'm going to take an educated guess here," Isaac sighed. "There is a very strong likelihood Hetty that either your descendant or his compatriots in the bootlegging industry used this particular corner of Woodstone Mansion to hide bodies of those they didn't want found. Just a hunch."

"Oh, we definitely can't tell Sam about this," Alberta remarked. "Livings do not take unexpected corpses very well."

"There could be dozens of bodies hidden out here," Hetty realized. "It's remote and covered in poison ivy as well as bushes with thorns. Oh my God. I remember one of my descendants specifically ordering bushes with thorns on them but I never saw them planted in my garden."

"I remember that too," Sasappis realized. "I thought it was weird he ordered so many but none of them were planted in the gardens."

"I think that particular mystery is solved," Isaac remarked. "Quite clever if you think about it."

"This hike is not going the way I thought it would," Pete groaned.

"Actually, it's kind of comforting to find out my body isn't the only one stashed away on this property," Trevor remarked. "If I find these guys, we should start our own support group."

"Technically my body is hidden on this property too," Sasappis reminded him. "I'll join it."

"Awesome," Trevor grinned. "It would be like our own little club. Thor! Your body was technically hidden away for a thousand years! You can be in our club too!"

"Yes!" Thorfinn made a fist pump. "Thor likes that idea!"

"This was a bad idea," Pete groaned as he wandered off. "A bad idea!"

"Should have stayed home and watched TV," Trevor called out to him.

"A bootlegging graveyard in my own backyard," Hetty groaned. "Why not?"

"Boy we really haven't been to this part of the property in a long time," Sasappis remarked.

Suddenly Pete yelled very loudly. "AAAAAAHH!"

"What now?" Alberta asked.

"THE SKUNKS ARE BACK!" Pete ran towards them. "RUN! THE SKUNKS ARE BACK!"

"AAAAHHHH!" The ghosts shouted as they saw some skunks move towards them. They ran for their afterlives out of the woods.

"Oh lord, it's hard to run in heels," Hetty panted as they all stopped on the lawn away from the woods.

"I think we lost them," Pete gasped as he looked behind them.

"Oh, this has been a fun little nature hike, Pete!" Alberta snapped.

Sasappis groaned. "I think I just remembered why we don't do that many nature walks as a group!"

"Pete, I think it's safe to say that this little nature hike is over!" Isaac snapped. "Thank God for that!"

"Now what?" Alberta asked.

Shortly after…

"What are you guys doing here?" Sam gasped as she went into Thorfinn's room and found the ghosts watching TV.

"Watching Newhart," Pete said. "Good thing the remote was out so Trevor could push the buttons."

"I thought we agreed you guys wouldn't watch TV," Sam asked.

"We tried that," Alberta told her. "We went for a nature walk. Never again!"

"We learned something today," Trevor said. "We learned to never go outside again if we can help it!"

"Nature sucks!" Sasappis shouted. "TV rules!"

"Oh, and the skunks are back," Pete added. "There seem to be more of them than there were before."

"Yeah, I would not go near the southeastern corner of the property if I were you Sam," Trevor nodded. "Like never go there! Ever!"

Isaac added. "If the skunks don't get you, the poison ivy and the thorn bushes will. Not to mention the stupid birds."

"And the evil chipmunks," Thorfinn added.

"Evil chipmunks?" Sam blinked.

"Don't ask," Alberta groaned. "The snakes aren't so bad though."

"Snakes are okay guys," Thorfinn nodded. "And the feral cats."

"Technically we only saw one feral cat," Isaac corrected. "But there could be others."

"I would just leave that part of the property alone," Sasappis said smoothly. "It's not worth going too deep in that part of the woods."

Hetty added. "I must agree I am willing to compromise and let nature be…nature. In that area. Just that area. Which is more than fair."

"Very fair," Isaac nodded. The ghosts agreed.

"Maybe put a fence in front of that area?" Alberta added. "With a warning sign or something?"

"For liability reasons," Trevor added quickly.

"Good idea," Hetty nodded.

"Great," Sam sighed. "Fine. We weren't going to do anything with that part in the near future. But can't you guys…?"

"No!" The ghosts said as one.

Sam gave up and left. "Who knew the afterlife had so many couch potatoes?"