DK's fists were ablaze as he recalled the recent disgrace to his honour.
"You killed my little buddy!" the enraged ape howled. He bolted over to his foe faster than light itself. DK's punch was tougher than a wrecking ball with abs.
King K. Rool, the devious man that he was, caught DK's deadly fist and crunkled it up in his clawed hand. He yawned and then grinned evilly as the forces of reality imploded DK's finger-holder. "Not so fast, monkey boy!"
DK gasped as the pain of his hand and his loss made him emotionally damaged beyond repair. He wailed into the night sky as bananas fell from the rain clouds, caking the barren desert plains with sweet yellow juices.
"DK! Do not forget how dead I am!" called Diddy from his dying place. His tail was stuck in a sandy pit and now he could no longer move.
Cranky and Funky watched from the sidelines. Their mighty toenails were shining brighter than diamonds.
"The Donkey Dude is a dead dude..." sighed Funky. He whipped out a chisel and stone. Very carefully, he sculpted a replica of a halibut gone mad.
Cranky eyed Funky's artwork and snagged it betwixt his twin beam katana. With a swift kick, he punted the fishy object into the banana clouds, sealing the orifice from which the leakage spewed.
Funky nodded in agreement, but still hated Cranky's guts inside and out. He took out another stone and began sculpting once more.
Meanwhile, DK's entire left hand had been mangled like a toast ball. DK hated toast balls and any mere inkling of the topic. He tore his tie off of his neck and flung it at K. Rool, yanking out his severely blackened tooth.
The tooth fell upon the earth and screamed for its host. K. Rool just looked at it with zero pity. He then stepped on the tooth and said something nasty about metabolic granulation.
Diddy was still dead and was so worried that things were about to get a whole lot worse.
"Why did you kill your own tooth, K. Rool?" DK seethed, his saliva trailing slightly off his bottom lip because he was thinking about tacos and got hungry all of a sudden.
K. Rool smirked and bit into a kiwi. The bird squealed in agony as the remaining crocodile teeth pierced its flesh.
"I thought kiwis were fruit," said Bluster to Candy.
"No, they are abominable avian folk," Candy responded with ire in he tone. She hated squirrels even more today.
DK saw the bitten bird and it made him cry because he remembered how Diddy (the dead one) used to love kiwis and their cute beaks.
K. Rool spat out the hairy kiwi feathers and then stomped like a sumo wrestler. "Ready to join the graveyard with that little buddy of yours?"
DK growled and then "Rules of Nature" played. DK ran up to K. Rool, bore his tongue into his chest cavity and seized K. Rool's gallbladder.
"Oh dear!" cried the regal reptilian. "GIve me back my precious organ! I need that when I consume and breath!"
"I will make your speech cease!" DK bellowed. He then took of the gallbladder, broke it over his knee and shoved a half into each ear canal.
Cranky's eyes widened to the size of cranberry cookies. "DK has ascended past normal limits. His emotions must be bigger than a tambourine!"
"Maybe even bigger than a tuba or trombone!" added Funky, squeaking his boots on the basketball court until it caused Cranky's ears to feel IRL battle damage.
Candy and Bluster looked at one another and said "Belittlement!" as they realised the righteous truth: Now it was DK's chance to be a bigshot!
"I'm hot!" DK shouted as he flipped his head, whisking the gallbladder halves like a conniving instrument of war.
K. Rool was so fearful. He started to run away, DK seized the lizard by the lips. He squeezed the lips so hard that they started to leak grapefruit seltzer. DK lapped up the seltzer, belched proudly, and then stuck a golden umbrella up K. Rool's nose.
K. Rool's brain was poked harshly until it fell out of his bald head. His crown fell off too and landed on the brain.
"Oh no! Now my brain is king and not me?" K. Rool gasped.
"Yup, I have usurped you thanks to Donkey Kong!" said the brain with rad coolness.
K. Rool had one big, fat tear fall from his eyeball and then he bowed down to the new king brain.
"Good job, brain!" said DK with an epic thumb-up from his remaining hand.
The brain nodded royally and then gave DK a sick high-five.
Cranky and Funky embraced and then ate a burger on North Street. It was a banana burger with all the works.
DK would have smiled, but Diddy was still really dead.
"Dixie ain't gonna be happy about this, Big Buddy..." Diddy said with a scowl.
"I know..." DK sighed. "I promise I'll try to make you not dead someday, bro."
"That ain't good enough," said Diddy. He pulled out his third spleen and placed it cautiously into his partner's grip. "Take of this and call my mother and father. Tell them that the air is crisp and the coconut trees are blooming with sheer tranquility."
THE END