If you follow me on social media... you know what happened.

If only

.
. . .

She cries. She howls. She grabs her head, pulls her hair. Her hairpin falls, and in her frenzied state, she didn't notice she kicked towards the wall. It makes a soft sound when it lands shattered on the parquet.

But she doesn't notice. She doesn't see it. All she sees are the consequences of her seemingly innocuous actions that her mind transformed into grave mistakes.

"Why?!" She yells. "Why didn't I notice before? Why am I so stupid?!"

So innocent.

So naïve.

So dumb.

So stupid.

She scans the memories of the past few hours at lightning speed, hoping to find something, anything, a clue that would help her in this situation. But she can't find anything. The day was tranquil, peaceful even, until it all came crashing down on her.

And everything is her fault.

Because she didn't pay attention.

Because she didn't put any security measures.

Because she naively believed everything would be alright.

And everything wasn't alright anymore.

And when she noticed, she didn't know what to do. She panicked. This was not supposed to happen. It was supposed to be a tranquil day and she was supposed to carry on with her day as usual and—

She called her older sister in tears, completely lost on what to do. And while she tried to calm her down and give her some indications of what to do, she also scolded her.

Honestly, Shinobu. You're an adult already, there are things you should be able to handle yourself…

Take this as a lesson to learn to take care of things properly.

She didn't say it with malice nor with the intent to hurt her. Therefore, Shinobu didn't mind it. She gladly received it, even. She could have called her stupid, she could have insulted her, Shinobu would have still agreed with all her sister's words.

I'm so useless. Why do I never learn anything?

She feels dizzy. Crying exhausts her. She trips, she falls. She doesn't try to stand up again. She remains on the floor, face hidden in her arms, crying out all the tears her small body could produce.

When he opens the door, he sees Shinobu, a mess on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. His backpack falls from his shoulder and he rushes to her side. He knows what had happened, as she had also called him, hysteric. But in the subway, phones don't always work, so they wouldn't keep talking and he got out, she didn't answer his calls anymore.

He feared the worst, and the worst is happening right now.

"Shinobu!" Worried, he handles her gently, trying to raise her from the floor. "Are you okay?"

Yet at the sight of him, her only reaction is to bawl her eyes out harder. She grabs him into a possessive hug, as if afraid he was going to disappear, her whole body convulsing.

She wails, and he's sure the memory of that sound is going to hunt him for a long time.

"I-I—", she chokes, desperately trying to thread words into coherent sentences. "I am so stupid, Giyū!" She yells and breathes heavily in his ear. "If only— If only I had been more attentive! If only I wasn't so stupid! This wouldn't be happening! None of this would be happening!"

And Giyū lets her cry over his shoulder, because there's nothing much he can do for her, for now. She won't hear his words; she will only let the sound of her own screams fill her mind.

So her holds her, gently, with outmost care to show her she isn't alone, in a feeble attempt to calm her down. She won't, or at least not until a moment. So, for now, he'll just hold her like this and he realises how much he hates the sound of her crying.

. . .

~A few notes about this fic:~
■ Modern AU, married.
■ I feel like I've shaped Shinobu like me in this AU/series: facing depressive episodes and anxiety/panic attacks, always wishing to have done things differently, and ultimately, wanting to live as quietly as possible. At least she has Giyuu supporting her. I don't have a Giyuu. I have my mum, who is thousands of kilometres away, and my friends who also try to survive the system. I'm still grateful to have them by my side, I think.