Alma approached rickety gate he knew so well with a nervous smile on his face, trying to relax his breathing before he hyperventilated. It was the end of Summer, he and his friends would be coming back for their last semester of high school tomorrow, but this afternoon, he had something important to do.
He should be discrete about it. This is a delicate matter, and his slim chances would not be helped at all if he just dumps it into her. He knew that his erratic behaviour would make Rinka suspect that he must be up to something. He always found it amazing that she never failed to understand him.
At an early age, his mother passed away. Therefore, he was left with his old and embittered father, who always had something new to pressure his son with. Grades, appearance, manners, speech, posture, relationships. Everything the boy touched was rotten, since he was a rotten apple, and those do not belong in with the rest of the barrel.
This constant demeaning, the successive reminders about his shortcomings, broke him from inside, since, for the most part, he had no one to share his grief and pain with. He had a hard time connecting with people, and he often thinks his group of friends saw him more as a leader than as a living, breathing person with thoughts and feelings.
His only solace was the unwavering presence of the girl next door in his life. Having her with him gave him peace. Alma often suffered from nightmares and struggled with depression since he was very young. He still remembers being alone, not knowing what was going on with his head. He remembered the dark feeling in his heart, he remembered the fog and the disinterest.
However, he also remembers when it began to fade away, when he emerged as a hurting, incomplete, but functioning person. He learnt to stay strong only because of her. Rinka was the light to his darkness. If it were not for her, then despair would have consumed him whole, like a constrictor snake.
He was in love with that girl, but he had always feared that she would reject him and her friendship with him will be destroyed because of his stupid feelings. She had options, after all. He can see the eyes wondering behind her back as she walks down the hallways at school, he knows there are better people, bright people, whole people, for her to spend time with. Yet, she persists with him, and he does not want to wager it.
He did not want to lose her. He could not even imagine a day without her. She was the breath that allowed him to live. She was the reason he calmed himself for, that he stopped himself from spiralling. He hated himself because he existed. He started to care for himself only because of her. His self-hatred decreased when she first touched his hand, admiring his features.
He took a deep breath before ringing the bell of her house but before his finger could even touch the switch, Rinka immediately opened the door, greeting him with a tight hug.
"Al!" She chimed brightly as he engulfed her into his lean but strong arms.
He had to control the urge to nuzzle her neck. He often got the desire to shower his romantic affections on her, in such a way that friends were not supposed to do with each other, but he repressed the animalistic side of his self. He did not have her consent yet, even if he hopes that he will soon, due to the purpose that brought him to her home.
"Rinka, how are you?" He breathed, placing her back on her feet, admiring her features.
His grey eyes naturally searched for the tell-tale dark circles under hers to know if she has been sleeping properly or not, for the blue veins under her ears to know if she is well-hydrated, for the paleness in her cheeks to know if she has been eating enough. His care for her was immense.
"I am fine! I have a surprise for you!" She chirped, making him furrow his thin eyebrows.
It would not take much of an intelligence to conclude that he was not too fond of surprises. He did not enjoy things he could not control, and even if he found himself on a humouring mood, there was nothing that she could give him or tell him that would interest him. His attention was on her and her alone.
There was no stopping her, though, so he went along with her as she dragged him inside. As they reach the living room, he came to find Katsumi Higa his dearest pal, sitting on the sofa with the rest of their friend group.
Alma was certainly confused with it. They were all busy today, he knew that, and this was exactly why he elected to come around today out of all days. What was going on?
He turned to look at Rinka, who smiled broadly. Her feet were light and giddy, her pupils were dilated, her cheeks were flushed, her upper lip spotted the lightest irritation of skin…
No, it could not be.
"We're dating!" She exclaimed happily.
His face fell, and he could not get a hold of himself quick enough not to let his feelings of dread show in his expression. His mind went blank as he kept staring at her.
Katsumi stood up from the chair, smirking at Alma as he wrapped his arms around her, placing a kiss on her cheek.
"We're engaged." Higa said, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.
Alma just kept staring at Rinka blankly. He wanted nothing but to scream. It was just a dream, an illusion created by an overclocked mind. Nothing happened, he had not heard this nonsense. Opening his eyes again, he found she in Higa's arms.
This cannot happen! He loved her from the beginning. Him, and him alone.
"You missed it!" Naraka spoke, smirking at Alma. "It was beautiful! We all helped, it was so fun. Pity you couldn't make it."
Alma stared at him blankly for a while. A smile appeared on his face, finding some happiness for his friend. He finally found the words to say.
"You all helped?" He asked, his voice breaking with conflicting feelings.
Katsumi averted his eyes, grumbling, "I know, I know. I should've had the balls to do it myself, but I got scared. I liked Rinka for so long, I thought it would ruin our friendship. Y'all helped me, gave me confidence, I couldn't have done it without you. I appreciate it."
Higa liked Rinka? How come Alma never learnt about it? Everyone knew but him, they all knew. He was just the leader, the one to judge them and point them in the right direction. He was no friend of theirs, no matter how many times the tall baseball player called him 'bro'.
Alma's knuckles turned white as he forced a smile at Rinka.
"Rinka, Katsumi, I'm glad you found happiness with each other, but I should take my leave." He said.
Rinka looked pointedly at him. "So soon? You just got here!"
"Yeah, I stopped by to see if you had any ice. Our freezer busted and father is concerned." He lied with ease. "I don't want to get in the way of the celebrations, though. I should run to the convenience store."
"Alma, are you alright? You don't seem fine." Naraka spoke concernedly, his amber gaze studying the other boy's pale face, which seemed dull and tired.
"Yeah, Bro." Katsumi agreed with Naraka. "You look like shit."
Sanzu cocked an eyebrow at Alma. She has always noticed the way he sends his rare smiles at Rinka and how his sweet talking was strictly limited to her and her alone. He did not date anyone and emphatically refused any sort of romantic attentions. It could be argued that he was in love, and now his hopes were dashed, but she did not want to assume. Besides, even if she was right, saying so would not bring any good, so it was best to keep her peace.
"No, my father is giving me grief again. I really should concentrate in my studies now, since the entrance exams are upon us already." He quickly made up an excuse, knowing that they would not find fault on his words. He is serious about his work and that should be enough to dissuade any further inquiries.
"Well, if you're sure…" Rinka said, rather despondent. "Come on, I'll walk you to the door."
Before he left, she hugged him tightly. Just as she would often do when they saw each other. It never failed to give his body the energy, the very life force, which he always has been lacking.
He needed someone to assure him that everything will be fine. He was already broken. He lost her forever. She belongs to Higa now.
He shot her one last smile before departing her house, trying desperately to hold his tears in. There is no point in crying, and he did not want to waste himself on it.
The walk was short, but he dragged his feet to his front door and up the stairs, towards the bathroom. He twists the tap and water flows out, hitting him in the face. The cold droplets from the shower drenched his entire body, stinging as they grazed down his body with his clothes on.
He sat on the hard tiled floor, warm tears falling from his eyes, mixed in with the bath water as if they were one and the same.
In a way, Alma felt that what happened today was for the best. Rinka just deserved better and he was happy for her. It is what it is and the sooner he accepts this, the more she will be able to enjoy the most beautiful moment of her teen years with her friend.
There was nothing that he would not do for her happiness. He could kill for her, he is sure, and he shall be his own first victim.