On Friday morning, dense, white clouds blew east over the vast plains comprising America's midsection and dumped snow from Nebraska to Iowa. The prairie, already lightly crusted with the frigid fruits of the last storm were rapidly buried under six inches of powdery fluff. Gale force winds swept across the land and reduced visibility to almost zero. The interstate highways crisscrossing the heartland - the nervous system of a nation - quickly iced up, becoming treacherous. Cars slid and slammed into each other or went into ditches, big rigs jackknifed, and fifty-nine people were trapped on a section of highway in the lower corner of Wyoming. Blizzard conditions set in from one end of America's midsection to the other, and the wind shrieked with a ferocity that struck fear into the hearts of grown men and knocked power lines to the ground like match sticks. In Dubuque, on the Iowa bank of the mighty Mississippi River, a transformer blew at 5:03am CST, plunging most of the city into darkness. In Kansas City, roofs collapsed under the punishing weight of the snow, and the biggest hospital in the state lost power. Luckily for those patients who relied on machines to stay alive, the back up generators kicked instantly in. God love modern technology.
Farther west, a second, unrelated system dumped snow in the mountain ranges thrusting up along eastern California. Passes were blocked off, trains came to a grinding halt, and the tiny towns scattered liked fools' gold through the foothills were cut off from the rest of the world. Lake Tahoe was buried and the ski resorts in Colorado thanked their lucky stars for a plentiful season. Three states declared emergencies and schools were canceled from Cali to Missouri, delighting kids of all ages. Not everyone was as happy about the great Blizzard of '22, as it was already being called in many places. Between economic stagnation, worker shortages, and soaring inflation, heating bills had been skyrocketing all winter, and keeping even a small house warm was proving costly. Grocery stores, their shelves already barren, were picked clean, many of them closing, and snow shovels flew out the door like bats finally seizing their chance to escape from the depths of hell.
Social media was…well…social media. 4channers memed about the snow being gay and noted that it was falling on Martin Luther King Day, which was funny because something something snow white, MLK not. Old ladies updated their indifferent grandkids IN ALL CAPS and Instagram and Twitter pointed to the snow as a sign of white supremacy. The President gave a speech to the nation addressing the "unprecedented snowfall" and found a way to blame the opposite party, then fell asleep on live TV. Flights were grounded across the country and anyone with money flocked to Florida. AOC and Ted Cruz drank margaritas and danced real close together, Alec Baldwin showed off his shooting skills, and Briney Spears danced topless on a table to celebrate the end of her conservatorship. "Britney's back, bitch!" she slurred drunkenly. Within a month, she'd shave her head again, beat someone's car with an umbrella, and wind up back in the loony bin, but that was all in the future. Tonight, she was free and living it up.
In Michigan, Friday dawned cold and bleak, a thin layer of snow stuck to the ground and a bitter wind whistling up the deserted streets. Bare trees clutched at the leaden sky like decayed hands reaching from shallow graves, and snow coated swinging power lines, some occasionally sprinkling down to the hardly plowed pavement below. Drifting snow banks pressed against tiny houses, the warm lights in the windows and the smoke rising from the chimneys lending the scene a picturesque quality. A plow truck lumbered down Franklin Ave, its ass end spilling salt in its wake in preparation for the coming storm. The weatherman on ABC-2 WKFT, whose viewing area just covered Royal Woods, expected nine to twelve inches and pounding winds. Sheets of splintery pine wood covered the windows of shops along Main Street, and the Lowes on the edge of town was packed with customers clamoring for shovels, bags of salt, and generators even at this early hour. At Flip's, Flip himself switched the CLOSED sign to OPEN, and instantly, the tiny store was flooded with people come to stock up on bread and milk - for milk sandwiches, don't you know. An angry mob soon formed at the register. "What's this shit?" a man asked and held up a loaf of off-brand white bread. The sticker - 2.99 - had been covered with a new one.
One reading 5.99.
"Since when is a gallon of milk ten dollars?" a woman demanded from the back.
"Since right now," Flip said. "Take it or drink water."
The crowd erupted in fury, and not for the first time, Flip's was looted. Cowering behind the counter, Flip called the sheriff, and ten minutes later, Bill Dorfman stood amidst the ruins of the store, glass and potato chips crunching beneath his black boots. A fat man in a green canvas coat over a tan uniform, Dortmund wore a pair of mirrored Aviators and a white Stetson. The badge pinned to the chest of his jacket like a good noodle's gold star twinkled in the light as he surveyed the damage. "Why does this keep happening to you, Flip?"
"Dunno," Flip said with a shrug.
"Well I do."
Oh? Then why did you ask?
Out loud, Flip said nothing.
Dorfman bent, picked up a bag of chips that had popped open when someone carelessly stepped on it, and flipped his sunglasses down to look at the price tag. "Eight dollars." Dorfman looked up at Flip, and Flip darted his eyes away like a boy who had been caught doing something wrong. "If I see something like this one more time, I'm gonna lock you up, Flip."
The old man mumbled something.
"What was that?" Dorfman asked and cupped his ear with his hand. There was a challenging look on his face. He dared Flip to say something crazy. He just dared him. "I said okay," Flip said.
Reaching into the bag, Dorfman shoved a handful of Utz into his mouth. "You have a good day now." He looked around at the mess, shook his head, and walked out. Grumbling to himself, Flip grabbed a broom and got to work.
And people wondered why he was so cheap.
This town deserved cheap.
On the other side of Royal Woods, the mayor chased his secretary around the desk, stopping only to take a call from the governor. The governor was worried that the bridge into Royal Woods, an old covered deal that looked like a barn, might collapse. The mayor had been promising to replace it since before he took office, but he always wound up finding a better use for the money in the town slush fund, like buying his secretary expensive gifts and vacationing in Cancun. "Don't worry," the mayor said, "it's gonna be fine. I promise."
As soon as he hung up, he went back to chasing his secretary.
On the other side of Royal Woods, the Loud family began to stir. Lynn Sr., clad in a baggy green sweater and tan slacks, came down the stairs lugging an overfull suitcase. Rita came behind him, carrying one of her own. Lori brought up the rear, still in the shorts and tanktop she had slept in. "You have all the numbers?" Rita asked worriedly.
"In my phone, yes," Lori said a tad impatiently. Every time Mom and Dad left for the weekend - which was all the time, come to think of it - Mom asked if she had "the numbers". Do you have the number for the hotel we'll be staying at? No, Mom, but I have your cell number. You know, that thing that's always in your pocket? Mom would laugh and make a joke about getting old, and Lori would roll her eyes. Old or not, you should know by now that it's not 1999 anymore.
"Your father gave you money, right?" Mom asked.
"Fifty bucks," Lori confirmed.
Mom and Dad were taking Lily to "visit relatives" and wouldn't be back until Sunday. Why they were leaving right before a major snowstorm that was likely to strand them, Lori didn't know, but she had given up trying to make sense of her parents' decisions. Another thing: Who tf were these relatives that they kept visiting? Lori had never gotten a straight answer, and the more adventurous part of her imagination, which had atrophied from disuse, was convinced that they worked for an international drug smuggling operation. In her more morbid moments, she assumed that they shoved their drugs up Lily's butt so the feds wouldn't find it. Seriously, it was perfect: The TSA might cavity search Mom and Dad, but babies were off limits.
What a couple of sickos.
They did always leave money for pizza, though.
Dad put on a jacket, hat, and mittens, and carried the luggage out to the van while Mom fetched Lily. By the time she came back down, the others were starting to wake up. Lana and Lola came down the stairs complaining that they were hungry, and a flicker of movement in the living room drew Lori's attention. A terrible white face appeared in the darkened fireplace, and Lori let out a tongue-wiggling scream.
"Boo," Lucy said and drew back into the shadows.
Lori stomped over and put her hands on her hips. "Lucy, come out of there right now."
The little goth hissed. "Leave me alone."
"You're such a weirdo," Lori said. She looked around to make sure Mom and Dad hadn't come back. "The moment they leave, you're coming out or I'm going to drag you out and beat you with my shoe."
Again, Lucy hissed.
Okay, Lori got being a goth - dressing in black, being depressed, lots of people did that and it was whatever - but the hissing and clawing was too much. She suspected that Lucy was secretly autistic. Lisa had run some tests on her and declared her normal and healthy, but Lori couldn't help thinking the genius was covering up for Lucy. Hissing at people is not normal, Lori didn't care how much black you wore. Honestly, it was probably all the horror movies Lucy watched. They really messed with her mind. Just last week, she bought a pair of black leather gloves just like the ones the killers always wore in those pretentious artsy-fartsy Italian movies she liked so much. Imagine wanting to dress up and play serial killer. That's sick.
Lucy got on Lori's nerves.
But she wasn't the only one. Oh no. All of her siblings irritated her. Take Lana and Lola. They did nothing but fight with each other. Fight, bicker, bitch. It was an endless cycle and it drove Lori up the wall. Leni used her "intellectual disability" a crutch and a hide-behind when she did something wrong, Luna swaggered around the house like a famous rock star, head so far up her ass that it came full circle back to her shoulders, and the rest…tjey had their bad points too. But, Lori cautioned herself, everyone has flaws, even her. She tried her best to be patient with them and overlook the bas in favor of the good. It's not that she hated her siblings - she did not - it's just that living with people, you tend to see far more of them than you ever wanted to. And you know what they say about familiarity breeding contempt.
Shaking her head, Lori left Lucy where she was and went back to the foot of the stairs. Mom appeared with Lily, who was so bundled up that her arms and legs stuck out, lending her the appearance of a starfish. The baby smiled and blew spit bubbles. Lily was the only one who didn't get on her nerves. She could b a handful sometimes, but she was also just a baby, that's how babies are. Sometimes, aside from Lori herself, Lily was the most mature one in the house. Mom handled Lily to her and pulled on her coat, then wound a plaid scarf around her neck. She pulled a tobogin low on her head and checked her purse and pockets to make sure that she had everything. Lily gargled and reached for Lori's face, grabbing her nose.
Lori smiled and cooed to her.
"Alright, that should be everything," Mom said.
"What if we get snowed in?" Lori asked.
"The storm is supposed to shift south," Mom said. "We're only going to get a couple of inches and it'll probably melt by the time we get back."
Lori's brow shot up. "That's not what I heard."
"It's what The Weather Channel said. Jim Cantore is never wrong."
Hm. Okay then. If the great Jim Cantore said it (who was that again?) it must be true.
Mom took Lily back and Lori opened the door for her. "We'll be back Sunday. If you need anything, call the McBrides."
The McBrides were the Loud kids' unofficial go-to in case of emergency. Lori had never gone to them for anything because one, she had everything under control, and two, she was a very proud girl who couldn't stand the idea of looking incompetent by running to someone else for help. Ever since Lori was small, Mom and Dad had trusted her to be the responsible one and to take care of her siblings. Lori took that very seriously because there was a certain level of trust - and certain prilbeges - that went along with being the oldest, but only if you were responsible and not a total fuck up. If Mom and Dad were the CEO and CFO of Loud House, INC, Lori was the team leader, and as long as she did a good job, she would reap the benefits of her position.
"Okay," Lori said.
"Love you," Mom said and kissed her cheek.
Lori stood in the doorway and watched Mom put Lily into the van. A blast of cold air swept into the house and, teeth chattering uncontrollably, Lori closed the door, She turned around, and Lucy crawled out of the fireplace. Getting to her feet, the smol goff dusted herself off. "We're hungry!" Lola and Lana cried from the kitchen.
Why couldn't they make their own food? When she was six, Lori knew how to operate both the toaster and the microwave. She could even work the oven, though Mom and Dad wouldn't let her. How old was she when they started leaving her alone with her younger siblings? Eight? Nine? By that point, she could make pasta, grilled cheese, and eggs. Lana and Lola were spoiled, that was their problem. Mom and Dad, like most creators of many children, slowly lost their edge with each successive kid. They were strict (but fair and loving) with Lori, Leni, and Luna, but by the time the twins and Lisa came along, they had gone soft. They were like a writer who starts off strong, but then devolves into churning out workman like products with little regard for quality.
Complacent. That was the word. They had become complacent and lazy in their old age. Granted, they were both only 40, but raising eleven kids can age you like nothing else can. Just ask Lori. She didn't even really "raise" her siblings, but being alone with and in charge of them so much, she had aged beyond her years too. Sometimes, the reflection looking back at her from the mirror looked freaking 20.
Going into the kitchen, Lori opened the freezer and grabbed a box of Eggo waffles. Lana and Lola threw their heads back and opened their mouths like baby birds waiting to be fed. Lori rolled her eyes, went to the toaster, and jammed two waffles into the slots. While she waited for them to finish, she texted with Bobby. Lana and Lola kept right on complaining the whole time, and weren't happy that they could only have one waffle at a time. "That's all I can make," Lori said.
They both cried.
What drama queens.
Finally, they were full. And Lori made waffles for everyone else. Just as she was finishing up, they began to trickle in: Luan first, then Leni, then Lincoln. All of them were neatly showered and dressed, and they all looked at Lori like she had two heads. "Lori, you're still in your PJs," Leni said with a hint of disgust.
"And her hair's a mess," Lola judged around a mouthful of waffles.
"Gee, I wonder why," Lori said and motioned to the fully set dining room table."I've been making breakfast all morning."
"That's no excuse to look like you just got out of bed," Leni said.
"I DID JUST GET OUT OF BED!"
"I've been up for fifteen whole minutes," Luan said.
You know what? This wasn't worth it. Throwing up her hands, Lori stormed our of the dining room and went up the stairs. "Wait!" Luna called after her. "You forgot to pour our juice!"
Even though Luna couldn't see from here, Lori flipped her off.
In her room, Lori threw the door closed, dropped onto the edge of her bed, and blew an angry puff of air that stirred her bangs. Rage bubbled up in her chest like fizz in a soda, and grabbing her pillow, she pressed it against her face and let out a loud scream. She kicked her legs and thrashed around like a toddler throwing a tantrum. When she was done, she flung the pillow at Leni's vanity. It hit a line of bottles, jars, and make up, knocking them to the floor, where some shattered. Cold fear filled Lori's chest. Oh no, oh no. She jumped up and hurried over to the scene of the crime, her hand going to her chin and her lips peeling back over her teeth in a grimace.
Just then, she heard footsteps ascending the stairs. Heart in throat, she snatched the pillow off the floor and ran back to her bed, getting into position just as the door opened and Leni walked in. "I forgot my sunglasses," she explained.
Lori sighed. "They're on your head."
"Oh," Leni said and touched them, "you're - OMG, WHAT HAPPENED TO MY STUFF?"
Darn, Lori was hoping she wouldn't notice.
Leni dashed over to the vanity and dropped to her knees, her hands clutching in anguish. She picked up a broken bottle of expensive French perfume, and amber liquid slipped through her fingers, dribbling down her wrists. She hung her head and her shoulders shook with silent misery. Lori winced. "What sort of…of…monster would do such a thing?"
Hot guilt slithered up the back of Lori's neck and she looked around for something, anything, to blame. "Uh…it was an, uh…earthquake."
Leni blinked tears from her eyes. "Earthquake? I didn't feel anything."
"It only happened up here."
Gasping, Leni slapped her hand to her chest. "Oh my God, are you okay?"
Whew, disaster averted. "I'm okay," she said. "I'm just really sad about your stuff."
The second oldest Loud got to her feet, looked at the shattered remains of her beauty supplies, and heaved a big, watery. "Oh, well, human life is, like, more important."
Then, Leni hugged her.
Now Lori felt even worse than she had before.
She was sure Leni would do something to squander her good cheer by the end of the day, so she guessed it was a wash. After Leni left, Lori cleaned up the broken glass, vacuumed the carpet, and scrubbed the remaining make-up and powder with a wad of Clorox wipes. You're lucky I'm a good sister, Leni, otherwise I'd make you do this.
Finally finished, Lori threw the wipes into the trashcan and went downstairs, her earlier anger completely forgotten. Lynn sat on the edge of the couch, hands fisted, and cheered for the clips on Sportscemter, and Lucy sat on the ledge in front of the fireplace, reading a tattered Ray Bradbury paperback. Lana and Lola were nowhere to be seen, while Luan rode her unicycle around the dining room and juggled balls. As she passed, Lori kicked the wheel and Luan fell to a heap on the floor, each ball hitting the top of her head in a perfect line. "No unicycles in the house," Lori said.
"You could have just told me," Luan said woozily.
"I have told you," Lori said, "a thousand times. Now I'm going to show you."
Even as she spoke those last five words, Lori realized her methods were a little, um, harsh, but in order to keep her siblings in line, she had to be harsh. They were like a pack of sharks and if they smelled blood in the water, they would swarm you. Her sisters - and her brother - were the kinds of people who'd take a mile if you gave them so much as an inch. Lori had learned through hard won experience that if she wanted to keep the house, and her sanity, intact, she had to be tough. Fair, but tough. Even now, years and years deep, her siblings would test her the moment Mom and Dad were gone. If she didn't react like a dictator, they would take that as a sign that she'd checked out and it was open season.
Nope, not on my watch.
In the living room, Luna stood at the open fridge, the milk carton hovering inches from her puckered lips and her eye pointed at Lori. She looked so much like a little girl caught with her hand in the cookie jar that Lori would have laughed…if this same scene didn't repeat itself literally every time Lori babysat. "Where's your glass?" Lori demanded.
"Uhhh…"
"That's what I thought," Lori said and crossed her arms over her chest. "Get one."
Luna's eyes flashed with indignation, but she said nothing. She stalked over to the drying rack, snatched up an orange plastic cup with a built in straw. She poured some milk in, returned the carton to the fridge, and took a long drink. Lori narrowed her eyes and watched as Luna washed the cup out and replaced it in the drying rack where she had found it.
Satisfied that Luna had been reminded who was boss, Lori poured herself a cup of coffee and sat at the kitchen table to enjoy it. As she sipped, she gazed out the window over the sink. Fat, fluffy snowflakes drifted from the sky, and Lori vaguely wondered how much snow they'd wind up with. Mom said it wouldn't be much, right? Lori didn't watch the news because watching the news is for nerds, but she'd heard that Colorado and places like that were getting slammed. Then again, isn't it always snowy there? She was pretty sure that the higher peaks of the Rockies were always capped with snow, even in the midst of the hottest summer. Just because they were getting hammered didn't mean that Royal Woods would get more than a flurry, if anything at all.
She made a mental note to check the weater report on her phone later and then promptly forgot about it. Done with her coffee, she washed the mug out, put it away, and went into the living room. Everyone was minding their Ps and Qs, but she wanted to make her presence known, so instead of going upstairs to text Bobby, she sat on the couch and did it right there. She wanted to make double sure everyone saw her and understood that she was always around, always watching, always listening. That way they'd be likely to make the smart choice when she wasn't around.
It's snow boo boo bear, she said.
A minute later, Bobby replied to say that it was coming down like crazy in Great Lakes City. He said the wind was so bad that it was knocking people down, and that you could barely see five feet in front of you. Lori read his text with widening eyes. That bad, huh? Well…that didn't mean anything. Great Lakes City was on Lake Michigan, after all, so their storms were usually pretty bad by default. It was almost 150 miles southwest, so just because they were getting the business didn't mean Royal Woods would too.
She kept telling herself that all morning and into the afternoon as the storm raging outside grew in intensity. Within two hours, the world was blanketed with snow, and more drove from the sky. Someone abandoned their car in the middle of Franklin Avenue, and the plows stopped coming by around one. The wind grew stronger, making the tops of the brittle trees bend, and the power flickered every so often like an eye winking in mischief. The wind shrieked in the eaves like a living thing, and a sense of grim disquiet filled the house.
By 5pm, it was still snowing. The news said that it would slack off around dark and then pick up again just before midnight. Lori gathered all the candles, blankets, pillows, and flashlights she could find and brought them into the living room. "We're all bunking in here for now," she said.
Everyone groaned.
"Can it," Lori said, "I don't want anyone going off by themselves. This is dangerous stuff."
The news had whipped Lori into a hysterical frenzy with dramatic music and scary graphics, and she was sure that unless they took every precaution they could, they would all be killed. Every single one of them. The wind blew so hard that the hose shook and the windows rattled, and every so often, the wet, labored snapping of a tree or power line breaking like a bone rang through the tempest. Across the street, a tree crashed through the roof of a house, and somewhere else, a transformer exploded in a flash of light. The electric sound of its death rattle consumed the world, louder even than the wind, and everyone jumped.
This was bad. Real bad. Snowpocalypse 2022 was going on right outside their door and Lori didn't know what to do. She had babysat her siblings a billion times in the past, but never doing a real life, honest to God emergency. She was so far out of her depth here that she might as well be drowning/ She paced the floors, back and forth, back and forth, and took great, heaving breaths. Get a grip, Lori, if you can survive the hell of ten siblings, you can survive anything.
The wind moaned, and so, too, did Lori.
At 7pm, the lights on the north side of town buzzed, dimmed, and went out, and shortly thereafter, the old covered bridge collapsed under the weight of the snow, littering the creek like a pile of matchsticks. "Oh, shit," the mayor said when the sheriff told him, "the governor's gonna kick my ass."
The snow stopped and the sky cleared just long enough for cold, icy stars to twinkle over the village, then the back half of the storm set in. By the next morning, more than a foot of snow was on the ground and because of the wind, it had drifted against the doors and windows of the Loud House, trapping everyone inside. More snow fell from the sky and Lori started to feel claustrophobic.
Everyone decided that they wanted to go outside and play in the heaps of white death currently festering in the backyard, but Lori jumped in front of the back door like Mr. Krabs protecting his cash register. She even began to foam at the mouth like he did. "Get back," she screamed, "you're all gonna die."
"Stop being such a drama queen," Lola said.
"Yeah." Lana said, "it's only snow."
"Only snow?" Lori asked. "Only snow? Fire is just fire, do you wanna go play in that too?"
Lana blinked.
"If you set foot outside that door, you will instantly die," Lori said. "Do you want to die? If so, wait until Mom and Dad come back. You're not dying while I'm in charge."
Everyone grumbled angrily. "Come on, guys," Luan said, "clearly Lori's lost her mind."
As one, Lori's siblings left the kitchen and went into the living room."
The snow finally stopped at noon, but the sky was still threatening and all the exits were still blocked. Cabin fever rapidly set in, and everyone started getting antsy. "I'm bored," Lola whined.
"Yeah," Lynn sad and turned the channel, "this Spongebob marathon isn't cutting it anymore."
"VH1's three channels over, brah," Luna pointed out, absentmindedly plucking the strings of her guitar.
Lynn crinkled her nose. "We're not watching that. VH1 sucks."
"And sporpsball doesn't?" Lincoln asked sarcastically.
"No, but comics do." She looked at Leni, who was knitting a tiny little sweater for her fingers. "And so does fashion."
Leni gasped in shock. "Why are you dragging me into this?"
"Because she likes to start drama," Luan said. "She's not happy unless she's bringing someone else down."
"You're one to talk," Lucy said, "how many means jokes have you made about me?"
Luan laughed. "I can't help myself. You're such a trainwreck, it's hard not to laugh."
Uh oh. Things were about to get out of hand. Lori had seen this happen a thousand times over the years. Let's up it this way: With so many different personalities under one roof and in close proximity, every peace was a fragile one, and could be shattered completely by one minor error of diplomacy. The Loud house, in a way, was like the world itself. Each of the siblings was a nation. They had their own culture, national interests, and worldview, and more often than not, those cultures and worldviews clashed like Greeks and Romans. Lori had seen a snide comment lead to an all out world war more times than she could count.
Getting to her feet, she clapped her hands to get everyone's attention. "Hey, how about we not? You guys need to learn to -"
An idea came to her in a flash, and a big sharky smile crept across her face.
"Uh oh," Lola said. "I know that look."
"She has an idea," Lincoln said.
"A severely misguided one," Lisa added.
Lori thrust out her chin and walked back and forth before them like a general inspecting her troops. "Your problem is that you have no respect for the thoughts, feelings, and interests of your siblings. Today, that's going to change. I will teach you empathy by making you spend time doing something together."
Again, everyone groaned.
"Okay, pair up."
With the greatest reluctance, everyone partnered off. Leni with Lori, Luna with Lola, Lana with Lisa, Lynn with Lucy, and Lincoln with Luan. "Alright, Leni," Lori said, "I'm going to teach you how to cook."
Leni slumped her shoulders.
"You're sixteen, it's time you finally learned how."
While everyone else chose an activity, Lori took Leni into the kitchen. She decided to teach Leni how to make breakfast. She got eggs, sausage, and bread, then made pne egg, one link, and one piece of toast, making sure Leni watched every step. Leni did, but the glazed look in her eyes told Lori that she wasn't learning much. "Pay attention," Lori said,
"I am," Leni said.
Lori plated the food and handed it to Leni. "Take a bite of that," Lori said, clearly impressed with her own culinary skills.
Picking the link up with her thumb and forefinger, Leni took a tentative bite…then choked. She spat it onto the floor and gagged. "It tastes like shit," she said.
Lori's face darkened.
"If that's cooking, I, like, don't wanna do it."
Meanwhile, in the living room, Lynn and Lucy sat across from each other on the floor, a notebook between them. At Lucy's insistence, they were writing a horror story. Lynn rolled her eyes and let out a series of nasty sighs as Lucy narrated what she was writing.
"Bill was the biggest loser in town. He had no job, no girlfriend, and nowhere to live. He sucked. He was a bigger failure than Joe Biden."
That did it. "You're the biggest loser in town, Luce. You suck. How about that?"
Lucy looked at her.
"You're always doing this," Lynn went on, "you keep forcing your political views into your stories. No one thinks that's cool, Luce. No one likes it."
Deadpan, Lucy said, "If I cared what other people thought, I never would have started writing in the first place."
Oh, what a cop out.
"I would just sit there with my thumb up my ass and tear everyone else down," Lucy continued. "Like you. You miserable bitch."
Lynn snatched Lucy by the front of her shirt and hauled her off her feet. "Those are mighty big words for such a little goth."
On the other side of the living room, Lincoln did his best to pay attention to Luan's lecture on the importance of comedic timing, but his mind was obviously drifting. Lana showed her animals off to Lisa, and Lisa looked just as bored as Lincoln. "I'm acquainted with the biology and care procedure for reptiles, Lana," she said impatiently. "Do you have any interests that aren't so elementary?"
"Do you have to always be so condescending?" Luan asked.
"Must you always be so unfunny?" Lisa shot back.
"Will you both shut up?" Luna asked. "No one wants to hear you bicker."
Both Lisa and Luan shot her a dirty look. "No one wants to hear your so called music," Lisa said dismissively. "You think you're talented, but the fact of the matter is, your playing style is generic and mediocre at best."
Anger flashed across Luna's face. Clenching her jaw, she ripped a power chord that rang through the house like a bell. She then launched into a fumbling cover of Back in Black by AC/DC. Luan grimaced and covered her ears, Lana pounded her fist on the floor and shook her head in pain, Lisa winced, and Lucy rolled around like she was having a seizure. "Please stop!" Lola cried.
"You assholes like that?" Luna asked. "You want some more?" She jumped to her feet, and Back in Black turned unto Master of Puppets. Finally, unable to stand any more, Lynn snatched the guitar from Luna's hands and threw it across the room. It landed near the fireplace with an electric twang. "Hey!" She shoved Lynn, and Lynn shoved her back.
Lori flew in from the kitchen like a banshee. "What is going on in here?" she demanded.
"She stole my guitar," Luna said. "And threw it. If you broke it, I'[ll breakf your face."
Lynn turned her head to the side and patted her jaw. "Free shot."
Instead, Luna rushed over to her guitar and dropped to her knees, running her hands over its neck and body like a mother checking her child for injuries. Everyone was talking over each other and pointing their fingers, blaming one another for everything from the hole in the bathroom wall to the outbreak of WWI. Lana lunged at Lucy, and Luna sewing her guitar at Lynn. Everyone erupted into raucous fury, and Lori grabbed Luna in a headlock before she could whack Lynn's dome off. "CUT IT OUT, NOW!" Lori screamed.
Luna being immobilized, Lisa took the opportunity to sucker punch her in the stomach, and the rocker's air left her lungs in a wheezing rush. From there, all hell broke loose. Lucy jumped on Lynn's back and snaked her forearm around the jock's throat; Luan tackled Lisa from behind; Lana and Lola slapped at each other, their heads turned away to avoid sustaining damage. Lori flung Luna aside and waded into the fray, pulling Lucy from Lynn's back and throwing her onto the couch. She grabbed Lana and Lola by the scruff of their necks and separated them and then tripped Lynn as she lunged for Lucy.
"STOP IT!" she roared.
Her voice, high and quivering, louder than the wind, rang through the house, stilling everyone. They all turned on her and she realized for the first time that she was vastly outnumbered. Her sisters favored her with narrowed eyes, balled fists, and humped shoulders. Their bodies were tense, stiff, ready to strike. They advanced on her and Lori fell back a step. The only one not involved was Lincoln, who sat on the couch with his arms crossed and his lips pursed. He looked annoyed, his foot tap tap tapping impatiently on the floor. "You guys better stop," Lori said, a note of fear in her voice. "I'll tell Mom and Dad."
With a mighty battle cry, the sisters surged forward like a tsunami. Lori screamed, whipped around so quickly that she almost toppled over. She bounced of the arm of the couch and streaked up the stairs, stumbling and falling. Luan, at the head of the pack, grabbed her ankle, and she drove her foot back into the comedian's stomach, knocking her into the crowd. Lori jumped to her feet and ran the rest of the way to her room. She ripped the door open and threw herself in, slamming the door behind her so hard that it shook in its frame. She turned the lock moments before Luan reached the door. She and the others began to pound on it and jiggle the knob. Lori backed away slowly. "Come out!" Lucy yelled.
"We're not gonna hurt ya," Lynn said.
"We just wanna talk," Luna said.
"Yeah," Lola added, "about how you're a bitch."
Someone kicked the door, and Lori winced. Panic gripped her chest and she looked around for some means of escape. Finding none, she ran over to Leni's vanity and shoved it in front of the door, which by now was bulging and threatening to pop open. When the vanity was in place, the door stopped rattling. She let out a deep sigh and swiped the back of her hand across her brow. Well, at least she was safe.
For the moment.
"We're not going anywhere," Lynn said and hit the door. "We're right here waiting."
Darn it.
Lori sat on the edge of the bed.
They couldn't stay out there forever.
An hour later, they were still there, still waiting. Lori began to realize that she wasn't going to get out of this one quite so easily. She got up, went to the window, and tried to raise the sash, but it was iced closed. In the street below, the car sat where it had been abandoned the day before, parked across the snowbound street at a slight angle. Down the street, someone in a bright orange cap slowly moved a snowblower along the sidewalk, while elsewhere, a few people attempted to dig out their driveways. Lori waved her arms in a futile attempt to draw their attention, but no one could see her.
Sighing deeply, she went back to the edge of the bed and sat down. Had she stayed at the window just a few seconds longer, she would have seen Lincoln trudging across the front lawn, the snow coming up to his hips. He struggled through the deep snow, falling and sinking in it like quicksand.
Back in her room, Lori stretched out on her bed and fell into a light, fitful doze. Thin dreams of her sisters chasing her drifted through her head and her forehead pinched. She rolled onto her side, drew her knees to her chest, and she whimpered in the back of her throat. Her heartbeat pounded, echoing through the chambers of her mind, and she thrashed back and forth in an attempt to get away from it. It got louder and louder, and finally she sat bolt upright, her chest heaving and sweat coating her forehead.
It wasn't her heartbeat she was hearing, it was someone beating on the door.
"Go away," Lori moaned.
"Lincoln's missing," Luan said.
"Yeah, right," Lori said, "you're just trying to lure me out so you can beat me up."
"No, she's serious," Lynn said. "Lincoln's really missing. And the window over the sink is open."
"There's footprints," Lola said.
Wait, what? Lincoln left the house? HE WENT OUTSIDE?
Jumping up, Lori moved the vanity aside and opened the door. Her sisters were gathered around looking worried. "Come on," Lori said. She pushed through them and hurried down the stairs, her sisters behind her. In the kitchen, the window stood open and a cold gust of air swept through it. Lori laid her hands on the counter and pushed up on her tippy toes to see outside. A pair of footprints led awa. Her heart squeezed. "Oh my God," she said.
"What do we do?" Lucy asked.
"We gotta go get him," Lori said. Falling into her normal role as leader of the pack, she barked out orders that everyone readily obeyed in the interest of saving their brother. First, they got dressed in heavy coats, boots, mittens, and hats. Next, they gathered supplies. Blankets, food, flashlights, more things that even a professional rescue operation would ever need. Lori, Lynn, and Luna worked together to pry the back door open, and Lana used a welding torch to melt the massive half wall of snow blocking the way. "Come on," Lori said, leading the way. The snow came up to her knees but she kicked through it, not caring how cold or deep it was.
The Loud army made its way around the side of the house, following the tracks to a depression in the snow. Lori came to a crashing halt and she felt her heart creep into her throat. There were no other footprints around - none leading to the sidewalk, none cutting left to the driveway or right across the lawn. It was like someone had been walking along and then simply vanished.
Lincoln had to be there.
"Lincoln!" Lola cried.
The horrified quality of her voice snapped Lori out of it, and she ran over to the pit, her legs sinking into the snow. The others ran after her, the smaller ones fighting through snow nearly to their necks. When Lori reached the hole, she sat Lincoln curled up on his side, his knees hugged to his chest. For a terrible second, she thought he was dead, but then she noticed the way he shook and shivered. "Lincoln!" she cried.
Lincoln turned his head to look up at her, and her heart crashed to her feet. His face was crusted with ice and his lips were tinged a deathly shade of blue. "Help me!" Lori cried.
She, Lynn, and Luna pulled him out of the snow and carried him back to the house between them. He tried to walk, but he was so numb with cold that his feet wound up dragging uselessly behind him. They hauled him into the kitchen and sat him in one of the chairs. "Leni, make him so hot soup."
Leni nodded and rushed off.
"Lola, cocoa."
"On it," Lola said.
Lori stripped him out of his boots and wet clothes, and Luan wrapped him in a warm blanket. Lori picked him up and carried him into the living room, where Lucy had forsaken her secret dark place so that she, Lynn, and Lana could build a roaring fire. Lori sat him in front of it, and went to supervise the others. To her shock, she found that Leni had successfully managed to cook a can of tomato soup.
On the stove.
The microwave dinged, and Lola grabbed a mug from inside of it. She added a packet of powder to the water, stirred it up, and rushed it to :Lincoln. He sipped cocoa and ate soup as his sisters worriedly crowded around him. The color slowly returned to his face, and he began to revive until he was his old self again. "What were you even doing?" Lori asked.
"I was trying to get away from the fighting," Lincoln said. "It was driving me crazy. You guys fight over the dumbest swhit sometimes."
Looks of guilt swept the room, and everyone looked down at their feet.
"And you were acting like a nut," he said to Lori. He quoted: "'You'll instantly die if you go outside.' Really? I went off alone and it didn't work out, but I didn't die the moment I touched snow."
Lori sighed. Everyone looked at each other, shamefaced. They all knew that he was right. Lori had been a paranoid loon, and the others did fight over dumb shit. "I'm sorry," Lori said.
Everyone else made their own apology.
"I went overboard," Lori said.
"And I was being a bully," Lynn admitted.
"I could stand to take criticism a little better," Lucy said.
They all hugged their brother and vowed to be better human beings.
"Who wants to play in the snow?" Lori asked.
A chorus of cheers went up.
Fifteen minutes later, ten Louds ran, romped, and played in the snow. Lynn and Lucy built a snowman - working together, not against each other - and Lana and Lola made snow angels. Leni picked up a handful of snow and licked it. "This yellow snow tastes funny," she said.
Lori, Luna, and Luan shoveled the driveway and Lincoln and Lisa built a snow fort.
All of a sudden, the world began to shake and a loud, thunderous grinding sound filled the day. Leni screamed and waved her arms to keep her balance. ""Another earthquake!"
A giant snow plow passed in the street, the edge of its plow scraping the ground. It hit the back end of the abandoned car and knocked it aside. Everyone went "oooh" and "awww."
That was a cool little moment, Lori thought.
After they went inside, they all had cups of cocoa and ordered a pizza.
The rest of the weekend was fun and peaceful, and though they would still fight from time to time, the Loud kids appreciated each other a lot more.
THE END