Chapter 3: Walk and Talk

The bakery is only a short walk away, so Dean decides to get as many questions squeezed in on the 15-minute walk as possible.

"So, Sam is my brother."

"Yes."

"And he is somewhere-not-here with a chick called Eileen?"

"That is technically correct, though I would advise you not to call Eileen a 'chick' to her face."

"Why not?"

"She will most likely shoot you."

Dean starts laughing, but Castiel sends him a serious look that shuts him up. He coughs nervously and hurries to continue with his questions. "So, where are they?"

"They are working a case up in Maine."

"And where are we?"

"Texas."

Dean quickly mulls it over. It feels nice to have a sense of where he is, but other than that, it doesn't really mean anything to him. "And what does it mean that they are working a case? Are we working a case?"

"You and your brother and Eileen are hunters. You hunt supernatural beings that hurt people. Sam and Eileen are currently investigating a case of missing teenagers. They have not yet identified the monster, but-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down." Dean stops walking and turns to Castiel, who stops to look back at Dean. "Supernatural beings? Like what? Ghost?"

"Yes, ghost, among other things." Castiel states plainly.

"And they hurt people?"

"Yes. Most supernatural beings feed on humans in some manner, like vampires feeding on their blood, or they seek to harm people, for example to have revenge, like vengeful spirits."

"Holy shit, Cas. That's a lot to take in." Dean laughs, not sure what to say to all of that. Instead, he deflects for the time being. "Do you always talk like an encyclopaedia?"

Castiel looks at his feet, bashfully, and smiles. "Yes, you have always found my speech and mannerisms… dorky, as you like to call it."

Dean immediately feels bad. "Sorry, I didn't mean to make fun of you."

"I know." Castiel quickly assures and looks up at him. "You tend to… labels things when you deal with them. I know you don't mean anything by it."

Dean looks away, feeling guilty, and starts walking again. He sounds like… an asshole.

"You also tend to do that a lot." Castiel interrupts his thoughts.

"What?" Dean chances a sideways look at the Angel, finding him smiling knowingly.

"Blaming yourself. Feeling guilty. Putting yourself down. Especially when you don't deserve it."

"But I sound like an idiot, Cas." Dean flings his arms out in frustration. "How can that be anyone's fault but mine?"

Castiel puts a hand on Dean's arm, carefully stopping him. When they are face to face, Castiel pins him with an intense stare, making it impossible for Dean to look away. "Dean. You are a good man. The life of a hunter is never easy, and you have done extraordinarily well under difficult circumstances. But…" Castiel takes a deep breath, and his eyes becomes impossibly softer. "But a difficult life has led to some unhealthy coping mechanisms. Especially towards yourself."

Dean finally looks away. It's too much. It pulls at something in him, something he can't remember, but it makes his stomach drop and clenches around his heart. He feels ashamed. If he is so broken, how can an Angel want to even be around him, want to be his friend?

"I'm sorry." All he can do is apologise, even if he doesn't know what he is apologising for. "I'll try to do better."

Castiel just smiles. "You always do your best, Dean. Don't ever doubt that."

Dean looks back at Castiel, not knowing what else to say. There's so much emotion in his eyes. If Dean didn't know any better… This Angel really cares for him, no matter how messed up he apparently is.

Before Dean can think any more of it, Castiel takes a step back, leaving a cold spot where he lets go of Dean's arm.

The moment is over, and they start walking again. Dean tries to shake off the uncomfortable feelings and get back to his mission of getting as much information out of Castiel as possible. He clears his throat, but his voice still starts out rougher than normally. "So, uhm… Did something supernatural do this to me?"

"Most likely, yes." Castiel sounds like nothing just transpired between them.

"What did it, then?"

"I don't know yet." Castiel almost looks ashamed. "But last time it happened, it was a witch."

"Last time?" Dean perks up.

"This is not the first time that you have lost your memory."

"What? Seriously? This happens a lot?"

"You losing your memory has only happened once before, luckily. But hunting is a dangerous business, and you do tend to get hurt more often than I like." Castiel looks saddened for a moment before he continues. "But as I said, you have lost your memory once before. But back then, you lost your memory gradually, and you lost your memory of everything, not only who you are and the people you know. Last time, you didn't even remember what a lamp was."

Dean blinks, frowning at the last comment. "So that's why you asked me those weird questions back at the motel. How can anyone forget what a lamp is?"

"Well, there are many different types of amnesia and many different causes. It appears that your current state could be dissociative amnesia, more specifically generalized amnesia, since you seem to remember basic skills but not your memories or identity or-"

"Yes, yes, fine. Back to the supernatural stuff." Dean interrupts. "Does that mean we are looking for a witch now?"

Castiel seems to ponder this for a moment. "Possibly. But your memory loss this time seems different. You know what the objects around you are. You remembered to eat. You followed your instincts to the police station. You even preferred one name over another, as if you somewhere, deep-down, knew that Dean is your actual name."

Dean frowns but nods, though he doesn't understand much of what Castiel is saying. "Yeah, sure. So, it's not a witch?"

"Like I said, I don't know. But you are not alone."

"I'm not?"

"What do you think brought us here?" Castiel sends him a lifted eyebrow that Dean thinks looks a bit cartoonish and… yeah, what the hell, kinda cute.

And then it sinks in. "First time we met, outside the police station, you said that I had been affected too. And officer Goode mentioned something about people losing their memory. So, that's the case we came here to investigate?"

"Exactly." Castiel says with a smile. "There have been four reports of people who have lost their memories in this town. Even for a much larger city, this would be abnormal, so you can imagine how unlikely it is for a place like this." Dean nods to acknowledge that he is listening, prompting Castiel to continue. "We arrived yesterday and went to the police station to learn more about the victims. They couldn't tell us much, since it was not easy for the police to obtain any information from people who don't remember anything."

Dean slaps his hand to his chest and says in a mocking voice. "How dare you? I take offence to that!"

Castiel grins. "Well, to be fair, it was not only their lack of memory, but three out of four victims were also loners who lived by themselves, and therefore no one else could supply us with any information."

"But one lived with someone?"

"Yes. Mr. Johnathan Parker. His wife informed us that he had left their home a bit after nine in the evening. Mr. Parker had been acting strange for some time, but his wife did not know why. That night they had a fight about it, and Mr. Parker left the house upset. She didn't know where he went, but he didn't return home. It wasn't until Mr. Parker turned up downtown acting scared and not remembering anything from the last two weeks-"

"Wait, hold on. Only the last two weeks?" Dean interrupts. He can't help the anger that seeps into his voice. How come this Parker dude only lost two weeks when Dean cannot remember anything at all?

"Yes. The duration of the memory losses differs. You and Mrs. Knight seem to have lost all your memories. Mr. Parker lost two weeks, Mr. Phillips around 7 years and Mr. Grant lost around 12 years."

"Whoa… That's crazy, and random." Dean frowns.

"There must be a connection, but we haven't gotten that far with the investigation."

"Okay… Alright. So, what happened last night? You said that we split up?"

"Yes. We were going to try to trace our victims' steps up until the memory loss happened. I tried to trace Mrs. Knight, but without any luck. It seems she was home alone and was just found wandering her street one morning, no one saw anything suspicious despite that. You went to trace Mr. Parker. Which reminds me…" Once again, Castiel stops in his tracks, frowning. "Where is your car?"

"My car? I have a car? Of course, I have a car, I'm a grown-ass man. We have cars." Dean rambles.

Castiel smiles. "It's a Chevy Impala from 1967. You are very fond of her."

Dean thinks for a second, but it doesn't ring a bell. "I don't remember. Why don't I remember my car? It's not a person or anything like that, so I should remember it, right?"

"Like I said, you are very fond of it. You speak to it as if it were a living being, and you take better care of it than you do yourself. It is an essential part of your identity, so it does not surprise me that you have forgotten it along with anything else."

Dean is struck by a thought. "Wait, is it black?"

"Yes!" Castiel looks excited. "Do you remember it?"

"No." Dean hates how Castiel's face drops. "But I think I saw it this morning. I saw this beautiful black car, and I felt drawn to it, kinda like with all the other stuff that feels right."

"That sounds promising." Castiel nods.

"Yeah…" Now it's Dean's face that drops.

"What is it?" Castiel immediately looks worried again.

Dean kicks the ground. "It got a damn parking ticket."

A second of pause, and then Castiel starts to chuckle deeply, and Dean gets the feeling that if Castiel allowed himself, he would actually laugh. Castiel manages to stammer a "I'm sorry to hear that." But he sounds anything but sorry.

Dean feels like he should get angry with the Angel, but that chuckle is just too contagious, so he just chuckles along. They walk a few steps more when Dean catches Castiel staring at him. It's not the first time. Maybe the Angel has no sense of appropriate eye contact. And for some reason, Dean just doesn't care. Still, he can't help but finally say; "What are you looking at? I'm doing alright, okay? No need to watch me like that."

"I know, it's not…" Castiel finally looks away, almost shyly.

"What?" Dean prompts, giving Castiel's shoulder a light shove.

Castiel looks a bit back and forth between Dean and the street before gathering enough courage to speak his mind. "You just seem more at ease right now than normally. I was just… contemplating… I know it isn't a possibility, and I want you back to your old self for any price, but… In a way, I wish you could stay carefree like this. Without feeling the responsibility of the world on your shoulders."

Dean doesn't know how to feel about that. He feels a warmth in his chest from the soft look in Castiel's eyes, but the words make him scared of himself, again. What could possibly have happened in his life to make him want to forget, and to make Castiel – who is supposedly his friend – want him to forget as well. He swallows. "Cas. I know you said that it's a long story and all, but what happened? In my life, I mean."

Castiel's smile turns sad again, but the warmth and adoration are still there. He stops in his track, and Dean automatically stops alongside him. "Dean. There is no way that I can explain everything that has happened in your life, even if we talk all day." He takes a deep breath. "All you need to know, is that you have people around you who… care deeply for you. You and your brother does not always agree, but… you are the truest incarnation of family that I have ever seen. And I have been alive since the dawn of time. Despite all the hardship, you have saved so many lives and made so many friends along the way. Even when you get your memory back, you will not understand the impact you have had on this world."

Dean can feel his eyes prickling. He wants to hold Castiel's gaze, but he needs to blink before tears actually fall. He wants to answer. He wants to ask more questions. He wants to remember more than ever before. He wants to remember this brother that sounds so important to him. And he wants to remember Castiel. He wants to know why the Angel keeps saying such nice things about him. He must have done something good to deserve it, despite the bad feeling in his stomach. Right?

Dean clears his throat. He is not quite sure where the words come from, but they fall naturally. "Dawn of time, huh? Really?" He starts walking again. He hears Castiel following him, and it feels familiar. "And now you ended up with me and my brother? Seems like a bit of a downgrade, doesn't it?"

Castiel finally smiles again, and everything feels better already. "Maybe. But it has been… educational."

"Educational?" Dean laughs. "That's all you're gonna tell me?"

"For now, yes." Castiel smiles wider.

Dean shoves him again. "You're such a tease."

Castiel is about to answer, but he looks up and stops again. Dean is about to complain, but he follows Castiel's eyes, and realise that they have reached the bakery and the car from earlier. He takes a moment to appreciate the beautiful, sleek car once again before quickly turning to Castiel. "Cas, please tell me this is my car."

Castiel straightens and proudly states; "Dean. This is your car-"

"YES!"

"-Including the parking ticket."

Dean jogs the last few steps to the car and finally touches its smooth surface. "Oh, I don't care. You can have as many tickets as you want, sweetheart. I still love you."

Dean looks up, and Castiel is looking at him again, and the affection in his eyes makes Dean's stomach do a flip. "What?"

Castiel looks away, but his smile widens. "Despite missing your memory, you act very much like yourself, just more..."

Dean knows where this is going by now. "Carefree." Castiel only answers with a small nod. Dean steps away from the car to stand next to the Angel again. "What does that even mean, Cas? What's the big difference?"

Castiel looks back at him. He is no longer smiling but has an intense look in his eye, as if Castiel is trying to look right through him, and Dean doesn't know whether to feel violated or exhilarated. "You smile more. Your steps seem lighter. You admitted to needing help when you woke up without your memories and sought out the police. You trusted me based on the facts I gave you-"

"Well, I tried to run away first..." Dean interrupts.

"The very first time you met me, you stabbed me." Castiel counters with a lifted eyebrow.

Dean gapes at Castiel. "I-I stabbed you?" He looks up and down the Angel. "I'm… Dude, I'm so sorry."

"You had your reasons." Castiel shrugs.

Dean huffs a laugh. Whatever his life has been like, it already sounds insane. He thinks that he should be panicking more, but this just feels right. Everything in him is just screaming to stay with Castiel.

Actually, it's screaming more than that. It's pulling in him again. And as they are standing here, close to each other, and Castiel keeps staring at him like that… Dean can't help but to wonder if there is something else, something more. No one looks at someone with so much affection without caring deeply for them. Dean is afraid of overstepping any boundaries, but he can't help asking. "Cas… I don't know if I should ask this, but… Are we…? I mean, the way…" Dean looks away, unable to finish that sentence.

But Castiel seems to understand what he means. Of course, he does. "We are friends. Very close friends, I would like to believe. We have been through much together, and I think it is fair to say that we care a lot about each other."

"But… just as friends?" Why does Dean feel disappointed?

Castiel looks away. "Yes."

And that feels like a lie. But Dean doesn't comment on it. Maybe he is reading too much into this. Maybe it is one-sided. Maybe he made advances, and Castiel already had to turn him down. Could that be what he wanted to forget?

Dean takes a step back. He looks at the bakery. It's closed now. Thinking about it, it is probably late afternoon. He must have been out cold for longer than he thought. He should probably ask Castiel about that.

Still feeling self-conscious, he turns in the opposite direction where the bar is. That, on the other hand, is open now, and it seems like the place only have a few patrons occupying the place.

Wait a sec. Castiel said that Dean went out to track Mr. Parker's movements. And here is his car, right outside a bar…

"Hey Cas." Dean turns back and looks at Castiel again. "Mrs. Parker said that her husband was upset when he left, and that he had been sketchy for some time. So, where does a guy go to drown his sorrows?"