Chapter 6: Remember and Reminisce
Dean forces his eyes open, taking in a deep breath, as if having been submerged under water for too long. The memory is clear in his mind, and the pain feels almost as real now as it had been back then. But he remembers! Most of the memories that Mnemosyne dug up in his head are still fuzzy, though some of the more painful ones are standing out.
"Dean!? Dean, are you alright?" Castiel's hands are still cradling his head. Dean can feel the urgency in how they shake, trying not grab too tightly but desperate to shake Dean out of his daze.
Dean puts his own hands over Castiel's, trying to calm him down. "I'm good. I'm good."
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have tried to force this." Dean looks up into those apologetic, big, blue eyes.
"It worked." The pain is quickly subsiding, and Dean can't help a small smile forming on his face. "I remember something. I remember meeting Memo-Minnie."
"Really?" Castiel returns his smile carefully.
"Yeah. Not so much else, but… I remember seeing flashes of a lot of things, and some things are sort of falling into place." Dean swallows, as some particular memories are becoming clearer in his mind.
"That's good. That's really good, Dean. But let's stop for today. You have no idea how much agony you seemed to be in." Castiel takes a deep breath of relief.
"Oh, I have a pretty good idea." Dean chuckles.
Castiel huffs, and that is the moment when Dean realises how close they still are, almost forehead to forehead, hands on top of hands. Dean can't help but to look down at Castiel's lips. His stomach flutters again. For just a second, he leans forward – But he quickly catches himself and leans back, out of Castiel's hands. He might not remember everything yet, but he remembers sitting in that bar, feeling awful about his feelings for Castiel. And the few memories that he remembers from Minnie's trip in his head makes it quite clear why he feels that way. He doesn't deserve this.
Castiel looks away, almost as if embarrassed, but Dean can't be sure. "What exactly do you remember? Can you verify that you had to consent to Mnemosyne removing your memories?"
Dean coughs nervously, feeling ashamed of what he had done and very reluctant to share too many details. "I remember going to the bar. I talked to George, and then Minnie came up to me. We talked a bit and… then she invited me out back. She touched my head, and suddenly all these memories flashed through my head, and it was like I felt all of it again. I think she could see it too. I remember some of the flashes, but it still feels like it's all trying to find its right place." Dean points to his temple.
"May I ask why you didn't fight back?" Castiel asks carefully.
"Well…" Dean starts but doesn't really have an answer. "I don't know. I kinda felt like I was in a trance. When she walked up to me in the bar, she asked if I wanted to forget whatever was troubling me. And from that moment, I felt this strange… not attraction, but something similar. Like I couldn't say no." It's all too much, and Dean jumps off the bed and starts pacing. "I didn't even want to go with her, but… I did. When she started scanning my head, I tried to reach for my gun, but I couldn't. I just couldn't move, and she just kept digging and digging and digging, and it was too much."
Suddenly Castiel is right in front of him, grabbing his biceps to make him stand still. "Dean, this wasn't your fault. She clearly had you under some kind of spell."
But instead of calming him down, Castiel's words only make Dean angrier. "You keep saying that, Cas! It's not my fault, I couldn't help it, I tried my best, but what exactly did I do, huh, Cas? I just went with her! I'm a hunter, I'm supposed to know better, right?"
Angrily, Castiel shakes Dean to punctuate his words as he growls; "You have an infuriating way of constantly punishing yourself for the most ridiculous of reasons."
"Because it is my fault! Damnit, Cas!" Dean pushes away, and Castiel lets him go.
Castiel takes a deep breath, trying to calm down. "Dean, I know you are confused right now. But you are good and righteous-"
But he is cut off by Dean breaking into a laughter, though it sounds anything but happy. "Cut the crap, Cas. I was only deemed 'righteous' because my dad didn't break in Hell. I was second choice. And I broke." At Castiel's stunned look, Dean smiles self-deprecatingly. "Yeah, Cas. I remember Hell now. Pretty heavy memory, stood out in the crowd. So, you can take all that stuff about me being righteous and stick it where the sun don't shine."
Dean turns away from Castiel, not willing to see the anger on his face. He knows that he is lashing out, but he just can't help it. He expects a backlash, but it never comes. The silence finally gets to him, and he has to turn around to see what is going on. Instead of finding an angry and hurt Castiel, all he finds are two sympathetic eyes. Not pity, only compassion. "I am so sorry that you have to relive your memories of Hell." Castiel tilts his head, eyes becoming scrutinising. "Do you remember why you were in Hell?"
Dean frowns, digging through the few memories he has collected. "No… But it must have been something bad?"
For some reason, this makes Castiel smile, small but proudly. "You couldn't be farther from the truth. Dean, you sold your soul to save your brother's life. It was an act of goodness, and a selfless sacrifice."
The reverence in Castiel's voice makes Dean speechless. He really did that? Images starts flashes in his head. Sam staggering towards him. Sam falling to his knees. Himself running towards him, heart pounding. Sam on a bed. What the Hell am I supposed to do!? "Sam!" Dean gasps as he finally remembers something about his own brother. "Cas, is he alright? I mean, I know we talked on the phone, but, is he okay?"
"Sam is fine. Your deal erased all harm done to him and brought him back to life." Castiel reassures him.
"Can we call him?" Dean might not remember all about his brother yet, but that single memory restored all his brotherly feelings, and he feels an acute protectiveness for Sam.
"Of course." Castiel says with a knowing smile and takes his phone out of his trouser pocket.
He has Sam on speed dial, and in just a few seconds, Sam in answering. He sounds a bit worried, as he just says; "Cas?"
"Sam. I have you on speaker with Dean."
"Dean? Are you okay?"
Dean can't help a breath of relief when he hears his brother's voice and actually recognises it. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just started to remember some things and…" Well, he can't really admit to wanting to hear Sam's voice. He's the big brother after all.
"Dean just wanted to hear your voice to know that you were alright." Castiel fills in the blanks innocently. If looks could grill, Dean would have roasted him on the spot.
Sam laughs, and Dean secretly savours the sound. "Well, I'm glad to hear that you're remembering something, including how to be overprotective."
"Bitch." The word just falls from his lips, and immediately numerous images flashes through his head and Dean knows exactly which response to anticipate.
"Jerk." Sam is clearly smiling.
Dean coughs nervously. "Well, we better get going then. Got things to do. Lots of things."
"Hold on a sec." Sam cuts him off. "I've been looking into your victims, and I already found something."
"What did you find?" Castiel asks eagerly.
"We talked about how the victims might have been through something that would make them want to forget, so I dug into their past. Turns out at least three of our four victims have been through some tough times in their life. According to an old police case, Deborah Knight was abused as a child by an uncle. Hank Philips' medical records and recent firing from his jobs indicates some serious alcohol abuse since he lost his wife seven years ago. I haven't been able to find anything on Martin Grant. And last, but not least, your friend Johnathan Parker might have been involved in a hit-and-run on a business trip a few weeks ago. It was out of state, and the cops didn't get a clear picture of the plate, but the make and model of the car matches Parker's, and the timeline fits when he started acting strange, and the time period that he wanted to forget."
"Wow… How did you find out about all of that so fast?" Dean has one hell of a smart kid brother.
"Thank you, Sam. That is very helpful. It fits what Dean can remember of his encounter with Mnemosyne. She seems to cast a spell on people who has experienced traumatising events that they would want to forget in order to allow her to dig into their minds, and then she tortures them with those memories, until they agree to let her take them." Castiel relays.
"She tortures them? Why would she do that?" Sam sounds shocked.
"To get the memories." Dean tells, hoping to keep this conversation on a factual level. "She seemed to get off on it or something. The more… significant, the better."
"Dean, I'm so sorry this happened to you." And there goes Dean's hope out the window.
"Yeah, well. Now we know, so now we can stop her." Dean diverts.
"And how do we do that?" Sam asks.
There's a moment of silent before Dean says. "We'll figure something out."
"Of course." Sam agrees. "Eileen and I hope to finish up here tonight, and then we'll head down your way."
"Great. Sounds good, Sam." Dean says and then they quickly say their goodbyes.
Castiel hangs up the phone, and the room falls oddly quiet. Dean's head is buzzing with information. Little bits and pieces trying to connect, but there is still so much empty space, that it all just flows around without anything to grab on to.
"Are you alright?"
Dean can't help smiling tiredly. "No, not really… The things that I remember right now… Hell, Sam dying, all these other little bits and pieces that are just so… There's not a lot of puppies and sunshine. And if our theory is right, that Minnie makes people forget what they want to forget… does that mean my entire life is just one long horror story?"
Castiel opens his mouth to answer, but slowly shuts it again. It takes him a couple of tries to decide on an answer. "Your mother was murdered when you were just four years old. By a demon. It sent you and your family down a path of hunting. From a very young age, you have had to take on too great a responsibility for yourself, your brother, and at times even your father. You have sacrificed more than any person I have ever met." Castiel takes a step closer to Dean. "Your life has not been a horror story. But you have had to endure a lot of trauma."
A window exploding in fire. A heavy weight in his arms. The memory comes back in broken pieces, and Dean is pretty sure it is not only because of the amnesia, but because he was so young when it happened. But just as all the other memories, the pain comes back as if it just happened. It is different than the physical pain he remembers, or the pain of losing Sam. It is much more confusing and instead of pain and anger, he feels… scared and sad.
Dean doesn't realise he is crying until Castiel is gently wiping the tears away. In the back of his mind, he knows that he should pull away, man up, stop crying. But the fresh memories of a small boy who just lost not only his mother, but his home and everything remotely feeling like stability in his life, overtakes him. Instead, he drops his head forward on Castiel's shoulder and sobs. He never cried like this in front of his dad. He knows that he wouldn't have appreciated it. But Castiel just closes an arm around him, hand ending up in Dean's hair, rubbing his scalp comfortingly. This might be the first time he truly grieves his mother. He was too young to really understand back then, just moving forward with the perseverance of a child. Later, he acted out in anger or drowned the sorrow in alcohol before it could reach the surface.
When Dean pulls back, he looks into Castiel's eyes, who just smiles encouragingly at him, as if pleased to see Dean allowing himself to be vulnerable, and yet his eyes are so sad, feeling all of Dean's pain along with him. Castiel is an Angel. He is not supposed to feel like this, and yet he feels it for Dean.
Dean looks down, overwhelmed, only to find Castiel's hand on his chest, supporting him so he wouldn't tip over while he cried. Castiel's eyes follow Dean's, and as soon as he sees where he is touching Dean, he starts to pull back with a mumbled apology. But Dean catches it, keeping it in place.
Suddenly, all of Dean's being is filled with two conflicting emotions; Wrong, wrong, wrong and Want, want, want.
This is what Dean has been missing the last couple of days. This light weight on his chest, grounding him. Castiel's hand right over his heart.
It might be because of the emotional floodgate already being open, or maybe he is just tired of fighting this. But Want overpowers Wrong, and Dean surges forward to capture Castiel's lips with his own.
Castiel gasps at the sudden action, and for a moment he seems frozen in place. Dean is too afraid to pull back and look at the Angel, so instead he focuses on remembering this feeling, if this is the only time that he will ever get to feel it; Stomach fluttering with both excitement and anxiousness. Pieces of a puzzle falling into place at the same time as his world falls apart. He wants to pull away and press closer all at once, but he just stays in this limbo where he can imagine that Castiel is not frowning at him while he wonders how Castiel's lips got to be so soft.
And then Castiel moves. But he doesn't move away. He carefully, almost shyly, moves his lips against Dean's. Dean knows an opening when he sees one, so he slowly tries to guide Castiel, to find a rhythm that is them.
And slowly they do. As in battle, they find the little signs and nudges and know what they mean. It is soft and innocent, and yet it is enough to make Dean lightheaded. He pushes the feeling away, not willing to give up what he has wanted for so long – Even if he doesn't remember exactly how long, the longing in his bones is evidence enough for him.
But then it happens again. A pain flares from the side of his neck up to his head, making him pull away and grab at the phantom pain on his neck. The dizziness is overwhelming and images flashes before him, but unlike the other memories he has regained, they are spinning and unclear. The only solid is the hand on his chest.
Once again, he is called back to the present by Castiel's nervous calls of his name. Dean finally opens his eyes, squinting against the onslaught of memories. "Dean! What is it!? Dean, please!"
"Cottage." Dean starts labelling the images. "Cold. Woods. Blood?" The last word comes out as a question as he sees his own bloody hand in front of him, even as he looks at Castiel. The pain is finally subsiding, and Dean feels like he breathes for the first time in hours.
Castiel lets them fall to their knees on the floor. He is breathing hard, as if he is the one in pain. "Dean, we need to stop this. I don't know how many more memories you can handle when they hurt you like this. You need to rest."
"No." Dean shakes his head. This is important. He knows it is. "We were in the woods. Hunting, of course. Did I get hurt?"
Dean is still rubbing his neck. Castiel looks at the movement and his eyes widen a bit when he seems to realise something. "Yes. A few days ago, before we picked up this case."
"What happened?" Dean asks.
"Dean, please, we really-"
"No!" Dean cuts him off. "The other things I remember becomes clearer after they pop up, but this is still all fuzzy. What the hell happened?"
Castiel takes a deep sigh. He avoids looking at Dean, clearly debating what to say or do. He opens and closes his mouth a couple of times without saying anything. After excruciating seconds, he looks Dean in the eye, and swallows.
Still without speaking, he gets up from the floor. He offers Dean a hand, which he accepts. Castiel guides them to sit on the bed, and Dean is too afraid to ask anything in case it changes Castiel's mind, so he follows silently.
Castiel sighs again and doesn't look at Dean when he starts talking.