Chapter 9: Mind and Body

Dean doesn't mention the forest or his sickness when he calls Sam. Just a quick "We came, we saw, we killed. Found a new case."

But Castiel can't forget it. The first night was tainted by Dean being hurt. But the second night… Yes, Dean was sick and hurting again, but he was awake, and he chose to open up about Hell in a manner that Castiel had not experienced before. And Dean had let him hold him. Well, he had allowed for Castiel to share his bed and lay next to him, which was pretty much the same thing in Castiel's mind.

And in the morning, there had been something. Castiel didn't know what it was. But from the movies and TV shows that he had watched during his time on Earth, it was not normal for friends to share such moments in bed in the morning. It seemed exclusive for romantically involved humans.

But Castiel can't allow himself to think like that. Dean acts his usual self the moment they leave the bed. It clearly didn't mean anything.

They leave the motel, grab some breakfast to go and then head for their next case. They go to talk to the police, and the wife of the latest victim. All while Dean acts his normal self. Except, he keeps one more step between him and Castiel at all times. When they have to walk through a door, Dean steps back, just a bit too far, and allows Castiel to go through first. When they sit on the couch in Johnathan Parker's home, Dean leans on the armrest in the opposite end of where Castiel sits. When they go to find a motel, Dean orders a room with only one bed, as usual, since Castiel doesn't sleep, but the moment they enter the hotel room and he sees it, he suggests that they split up. He sends Castiel to Mrs. Knight's home to see if he can find any leads, and Dean quickly leaves to follow in Mr. Parker's footsteps.

-.-.-.-

"And I believe that is all that has happened the last couple of days, leading to you and I sitting here now." Castiel finishes with a deep sigh. If he were human, he would probably be craving a large glass of water by now. Instead, he just sits and stares down the bed at his feet, not daring to turn his head and look at Dean. He has told Dean everything, though leaving out the… personal details. But sitting here, just having shared another vulnerable moment with Dean leaves the wounds open.

As Castiel tells the story, Dean sees it play out in his mind. He remembers being bitten, but he doesn't really remember the things Castiel tells him about the cabin except of glimpses and feeling cold. He remembers waking up and feeling better than in a long time. And he remembers the night after, allowing himself to be weak, and hating himself for it. He remembers how he tried to keep a distance to Castiel, no longer trusting himself not to lean into it if they accidentally touched. Or touched on purpose.

He remembers the confusion and the shame. How could he even think that he might be good enough for an Angel, for Castiel? And how could he dare risk this friendship, knowing how he always messed things up when he lets people get too close. He always kept a distance, both to Sam and Castiel. He put on a brave smile and a give-'em-hell attitude, because if he kept their expectations to him low, maybe they would stick around when he didn't disappoint them.

And how could Castiel possibly want this too? He had probably just been trying to be helpful, not knowing human boundaries and how it was anything but normal for two friends to share a bed like that.

Dean remembers looking for the answer in the bottom of a glass, not finding it. And as he sat there, thoughts spinning, Minnie had approached him. And for a moment, she had been an opportunity to prove to himself how unworthy and broken he was, and then, maybe, he could let go of the little bubble of hope in his chest.

But it didn't work. He only created more trouble for them. And it didn't make his feelings go away. On the contrary. With all his memories gone, his attraction to Castiel had had nothing to keep it down. It had been there since the first time Dean saw him again. Until the very point where… Holy crap, he kissed Cas! Even when his memories had started to come back, even when he knew how he didn't deserve it.

"I'm sorry." Dean moves away from the head of the bed, sitting on the side instead, facing away from Castiel. He places his elbows on his knees and hides his face in his palms, though keeping his mouth free so he can speak. "I'm so sorry, Cas. I shouldn't have pushed you."

"Pushed me?" Castiel looks up confused, and Dean swears he can feel his eyes drilling holes in the back of his neck.

"Yeah, before, when we… When I kissed you. I shouldn't just have… I'm sorry, okay? Can we just forget it happened?"

Castiel straightens up with anger. He has just relived these precious moments when relaying them to Dean, so to have Dean dismiss them so easily hurts immensely, even if Dean doesn't know all the story. Se he finally breaks. "No." Dean turns to peer at Castiel over his shoulder when he hears how stern the Angel sounds. "We are done forgetting about things, and ignoring them. I am, at least."

Dean rises from the bed, and Castiel does the same to be levelled with him. "Cas, please…"

"I can't forget about this, Dean." Castiel interrupts. Anger, hurt, and frustration fighting for dominance inside him. "What we have shared this past week, even in that damned cabin where you were hurt, has been precious to me. You usually shut me out, so to finally be close to you… I can never forget that. And if it truly didn't mean anything to you, then so be it. But don't you dare ask me to forget."

Dean is stunned for a moment. Does that mean… "You didn't mind?"

Castiel smiles weakly. "No, I didn't mind."

"Why not?"

Castiel takes a step closer. "Because… I love you, Dean."

"Why?" Dean's brain seems to be stuck.

For some reason, Castiel just smiles wider. "How many times have I told you these last few days that you are a good, caring man? How many times have I told you that you are being too hard on yourself? I see your goodness and your kindness in the little things you do, even when you are pretending not to care. I see how hard you fight and how much you sacrifice… I think the better question is, how could it take me so long to realise how I feel about you."

They stand four feet apart, just looking at each other. Castiel is smiling, and Dean finally realises that he is gaping and quickly closes his mouth. He tries to get his head to catch up with his ears, but Castiel's words keep getting stuck in a lifetime of depreciating filters.

Castiel interrupts the quiet. "The even better question would be… How do you feel, Dean? Truly?"

And for some reason that kicks Dean into gear. This is all very complicated, but also so very simple. "I… I feel the same, Cas. But… I'm scared. Things like this never turns out well for me. Or for the other person. And what we have… I can't not have it in my life. I've already lost you before, and I can't do it again. Especially not because I mess things up."

Castiel still smiles, all hope and love. "We have both made mistakes. I have seen you at your best and your worse. And I am still here. Having more of you will not change that. Quite the opposite, I believe."

Damn. Dean didn't realise Castiel could be such a smooth-talker. "I don't want to hurt you."

"Then don't ask me to forget."

Dean lets go of everything. All the doubt and the what-ifs. He was so afraid of hurting Castiel, that he already did. Both he and Castiel have been circling each other for a long time, making each other miserable. But not anymore. No more circling.

Dean closes the gap between them, and this time Castiel kisses him back immediately. This time, he is not overpowered by other emotions except all the feelings he has for Castiel that he finally allows himself to feel.

Dean embraces Castiel, digging his fingers into his shoulder blades to make sure he doesn't leave. Castiel happily presses even closer to Dean, circling him in his own arms.

It starts out desperate, but it slowly turns deeper and hungrier. Dean all but growls possessively when he carefully slips his tongue between Castiel's lips and Castiel answers in kind.

Convinced that Castiel is not going anywhere, Dean lets his hands wander up and down Castiel's back, feeling the muscle move underneath the trench coat. Castiel seems caught between pushing against Dean's front and against his hands, wanting to feel it all.

It is almost painful to stop for breath, but Dean eventually has to. Castiel chases him, so he only gets a small refill of oxygen before they kiss again. Shortly after, Dean has to pull himself away again, holding Castiel back with a hand on his chest. "One of us needs air to live, Angel."

"Oh, my apologies." Castiel pulls back a little, though staying in Dean's arms.

"Don't you dare apologise." Dean smiles and gives Castiel's nose a small peck. The small distance between them makes him painfully aware of which direction they have been heading, or at least where his lower regions would like them to be heading. "But maybe we should slow down a bit. These jeans are getting a bit tight, if you know what I mean?"

Dean should have predicted how Castiel would unashamedly look right down at Dean's crotch. "Oh." Dean self-consciously tries to adjust himself to make his arousal less obvious under Castiel's gaze. "What if I don't mind?" Dean almost gets whiplash when he turns his head to look at Castiel who finally raises his eyes to meet his. "What if I don't want to slow down?"

Dean gapes for a moment. "You sure?"

Castiel sends a quick look down himself, which Dean follows, only to see Castiel in a similar state as himself. When Castiel looks up again, he just says. "Yes."

But Dean can see that Castiel is nervous. Dean is too. So, he sends him a reassuring smile. "Hey, we'll take it slow, okay?"

"Okay." Castiel seems a bit relieved.

"Okay." Dean repeats. He then moves his hands to the lapels of that damn trench-coat. "Mind if I take this off?"

When Castiel shakes his head and removes his hands from Dean's back, Dean slides the trench-coat off. It catches on the jacket underneath, and Dean decides to kill two birds with one stone. Once free, Castiel moves to do the same to Dean's flannel.

They move back to their previous position, holding each other tight and kissing. When the heat is back, and Castiel's hands start wandering on Dean's back, Dean pulls Castiel's shirt out of his trousers and starts unbuttoning it. He caresses the exposed skin, enjoying the feeling of a responsive body underneath his fingertips and the way Castiel's breathing hitches at the touch, before banishing the shirt to the floor. Again, Castiel repeats the process with Dean's T-shirt.

Dean can't believe he gets to have this, that Castiel wants Dean as eagerly as Dean wants him.

Dean carefully starts guiding Castiel towards the bed, until it hits the back of Castiel's legs. Dean playfully digs his index fingers into the hem of Castiel's trousers, moving them around Castiel's hips and happily discovering that Castiel seems a bit ticklish. "Now these."

Castiel immediately starts removing his trousers, not remembering his shoes until he can't pull the trouser legs past them. Dean finally gets out of his too-tight jeans.

Once naked, Dean carefully guides Castiel down on the bed. Not because Castiel is delicate, but because he is much more precious than Dean even realised. He takes his time exploring the body beneath him, and Castiel seems just as happy mapping out Dean's.

When Castiel whines Dean's name, Dean finally takes him in hand. Castiel throws his head back at the sensation, and his breathing becomes even more erratic. Dean could happily do this all night but can't deny the pleasant surprise when Castiel once again follows his move.

Dean leans his forehead against Castiel's, catching every little sound he makes. He leans down and steals kisses whenever the need becomes to strong. Castiel's other hand digs into Dean's back, trying to pull him closer, while Dean tries to keep the necessary distance between them to continue their movements. Dean has a feeling that he will have fingers imprinted on his back in the morning, and that thought makes him move even more eagerly.

Castiel throws his head back when he comes, and the sight combined with the bruising fingerprints on his back brings Dean to his own completion.

For a long time, they just lay there next to each other, breathing heavily. At one point, Dean reluctantly starts moving to go get a wet towel, but Castiel pushes him back down. When Castiel turns on his side, putting his head on Dean's chest and caging Dean with an arm and a leg, they are both clean.

"You shouldn't use your grace like that." Dean berates him, but still digs his arm underneath Castiel so he can hold him even closer.

"It was worth it if it means that you stay right here." Castiel emphasises 'here' with a squeeze of his arm.

Dean chuckles and squeezes Castiel back. "Fair point."

For a long time, they just lay there, listening to each other breathing and the rumble of cars passing by the motel. Dean feels so lucky. He can't believe that he had to lose everything to gain so much. He is thankful that Castiel was here for him, guiding and helping him to get his memory back.

Which leads Dean to the reason why they are in this city in the first place. Even if he doesn't want to burst this bubble, he has to ask. "What should we do about the others?"

"Others?" Castiel sounds muffled against Dean's chest.

"The other amnesia patients." Dean clarifies.

"We need to help them get their memory back." Castiel states the obvious, his breath dancing over Dean's chest.

"Are we sure about that?"

Castiel lifts his head to look up at Dean. "It's what we do. Help people."

That innocent answer makes Dean smile, and he places a kiss on Castiel's temple. "It's just… Johnathan Parker might have been involved in a hit and run. He should face justice, I get that. But Deborah Knight and Hank Philips had some pretty dark things in their past. Maybe Martin Grant too. Are we sure that they are better off remembering? And they have to want to remember, but do you really think they want to?"

Castiel hums his acknowledgement. Dean is right. It is not simple or easy. They can't force them to remember. This might only have worked for Dean because he is a hunter, who instinctively understood the supernatural they were wrapped up in, but these people will never accept that they have had their memories stolen by a Greek Goddess. Speaking off. "What about Mnemosyne? We can't let her continue."

"No, guess not. We'll check in on the bookshop tomorrow, see if she's back. If not, we'll go back to the bunker and see if we can find a way to summon and gank her. Maybe we can talk this whole thing through with Sam, see if he has any ideas. But now…" Dean starts stroking featherlight fingers up and down Castiel's back. "I want to stay right here, and create a few new memories… And yes, if you ever tell anyone I said something so cheesy, I will kick your ass."

"Tell who about what?" Castiel feigns innocence, and Dean can't help but to lean down and kiss him.