A/N: Hi. Another crack!fic for your reading pleasure. Maybe. As usual, nothing ever makes sense. Also, it goes unchecked, because I like to live life on the edge.
Written for Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry (challenges & assignments).
English Language Studies: Foreign Phrases - Task 4 - Write a fic that includes characters using social media in some manner.
Voldemort's Mobile Phone
Voldemort leant over the mahogany desk in Lucius Malfoy's office in Malfoy Manor. A single candle floated above the desk, giving him enough light to read over his latest correspondence. A storm was beating itself violently against the window; rain lashed at it persistently, lightning flashed every few minutes, with a crack of sound that rattled the panes of glass. To some the storm would induce fear, to Voldemort it was… comforting.
He lazily licked a finger before turning the parchment over to read the back. A tingling along his pale skin, alerting him to a visitor crossing the wards he'd personally put on the Manor.
'Oh no,' he muttered.
Voldemort knew who it was and why they were there. He flicked his wand at the letters, making them disappear to his safe place for all his paperwork.
'Tom Marvolo Riddle!'
'Not the full name.' He sank down in Lucius' leather chair and waited for the inevitable.
Arguing voices got louder and louder as people approached the office and Voldemort gripped the edge of the desk to brace himself for the intrusion on his one hour of peace from his Harry Potter Killing plans. The door flung open and remained firmly lodged against the wall; even a piece of wood knew when not to mess with an irate Hermione Granger, who was now stood in the doorway, hands on her hips, bushy hair flying wild around her head.
'Hermione,' Voldemort said sweetly, 'what a lovely surprise.'
'Don't you Hermione me!' She pointed a finger at him. 'Where are my parents?'
Voldemort paused as he was about to argue back. He clicked his fingers to make his diary appear in his hand, his long fingers flicking speedily through the pages. 'Grangers… Grangers… thought so!'
He snapped it shut, gave Hermione an apologetic smile and looked at the gathered Death Eaters waiting outside the open door. They huddled in a small circle, loud whispers came from them. Hermione folded her arms, tapping her foot and Voldemort sighed heavily as he came round the desk to stand by Hermione.
They watched the Death Eaters as words floated to them, such as wrong date and wedding and get a fucking calendar.
'I do apologise, Hermione. Clearly I've been slacking on the curses this month,' Voldemort said, raising his voice a touch on 'curses'.
It served its purpose when the group stopped whispering immediately and straightened up to face Hermione and Voldemort. Lucius was roughly shoved into the room by Narcissa.
'There was a slight misunderstanding on the dates—'
'Lucius, I'm well aware of that, I want to know who?' He gave Hermione another apologetic look.
Lucius pulled at his dark green tie a little, shooting Hermione his own apologetic look. 'Your parents are perfectly safe down the corridor, Miss Granger. We, er, got the wrong year.'
'Who got the wrong year?' Rabastan piped up from the back of the group.
'I did,' Lucius muttered, 'I got the wrong year.'
'Sorry, Hermione,' Narcissa added from the doorway.
'I'm not finished,' Hermione growled dangerously.
The group of Death Eaters started murmuring to each other, worried looks were exchanged.
Hermione whirled back to Voldemort, pulling out a scrap of silk material in ivory white with singed edges out of the back pocket of her jeans.
'This' –she threw the material at Lucius– 'is all that's left of my wedding dress.'
Voldemort gasped. Lucius swore. Narcissa stifled a sob. The rest of the Death Eaters ran away, leaving Draco stood alone in the corridor.
'Wise decision!' Hermione called after them. She rounded back to Voldemort, pulling a small item out of her small beaded bag that hung across her body.
'This is a mobile phone.' Hermione held out the electronic device to him.
Voldemort took a step back, lifting his hands away from the item. 'Muggle contraption?'
Hermione nodded. 'Just until the wedding and birthday celebrations are over. There's been a lot of crossed wires lately about attacks and battles, but if you're easier to get hold of, then attacks can be held off.'
She held the phone out to him again and he flinched. Hermione looked to the Malfoys. Draco, having moved into the room, peered more closely at it, his parents looked like they were ready to vomit that it was even in their home.
'Isn't that what Harry's always looking at?' Draco asked, holding his hand out for it.
'Draco, don't,' Lucius said quickly. Hermione threw him a murderous look as he still had the scrap of her wedding dress in his hand. 'Never mind.'
Draco held the phone close to his face, the screen lighting up and blinding him for a moment.
Hermione rolled her eyes and took it back. 'Yes. Harry needs some restrictions put in place with how addicted he is to it.'
When she held it back to Voldemort, he took a large step back. 'It won't even work here. Far too much magic,' he said simply – smugly.
'I've already adapted it to work within the Manor,' Hermione said with a smug grin of her own. He still wouldn't take it. 'Voldy, I've already had a blow out with Fenrir because I couldn't get hold of you.'
'Sorry,' Fenrir Greyback called from another room.
'Werewolf hearing,' Voldemort muttered.
'My parents are in this godforsaken place—'
'Excuse you,' Lucius interrupted. Narcissa shook her head quickly before Hermione could do something.
'My dress is gone, my owl couldn't find you, you've shut off the Floo network here – this is faster.' She grabbed his hand and slapped the phone into it. 'Think of it as learning some science. It's almost like magic.'
Hermione and the Malfoys watched Voldemort inspect the item.
'Fine,' he eventually said in a petulant manner. 'I suppose it's the least I can do after the miscommunication over your parents.'
'You've got that right,' Hermione said firmly. 'You' –she pointed at Lucius– 'we're going dress shopping tomorrow. You're buying!'
'Stand back! I'm going to try science!' Voldemort announced as Hermione left.
Two Weeks Later
Hermione wandered around the bookcases in the library of Grimmauld place, absently stroking the resident cat in her arms that had chosen them as her people three months earlier. She just needed a book that would teach her something new, something to keep her brain occupied from all things wedding. Sirius was driving her crazy with picking the flowers (he was currently trying to get her to look at marigolds) and Voldemort was driving her crazy with cake tastings.
Voices could be heard whispering loudly outside the room. Hermione frowned, putting the cat down, but before she could stand up to take her wand out, a hood went over her head.
'No!' she snapped. 'My kidnapping is not due until next June. Next June.'
It was no use, more than one pair of hands had hold of her, Sirius could be heard sniggering somewhere and Ginny warned whomever was doing this that Hermione was to be back by the following week for her hen party.
Hermione got a sniff of Fenrir's wet dog smell. 'You've just got back into my good books!'
'I'm the messenger,' he said with a heavy sigh.
'I suppose it gives me a break from Sirius' place settings,' Hermione admitted.
'I heard that,' Sirius' voice floated to her from somewhere in the distance.
There was the brief breeze of a late Autumn wind before the familiar pressure of being Apparated. Hermione shivered when they arrived at the destination. 'Did someone remember my coat?' she asked.
Her captors were silent, but judging by the way she was being shoved around at the hands hold her, there was some manic gesturing happening.
'Actually,' Rabastan's voice spoke up suddenly, 'no. You can't have a coat. You have a lot to answer for, Granger.'
'I do?'
'Yes,' he said firmly.
'Are you sure about that?' she asked, trying to see through the hood on her head.
'Come on, we're at the Manor anyway,' Fenrir said gruffly.
Hermione tilted her head towards his voice. 'Don't tell me you broke up with your girlfriend again?'
'We'll talk later over coffee, yeah?'
'Oh, can I come? I have cake,' Rabastan said excitedly.
'Then I am your friend,' Fenrir said, the smile clear in his voice.
'Please, let's not talk about cake,' Hermione pleaded, hearing a door being opened. A blast of warm air washed over her.
'I'll not rest till I have my phone,' Voldemort's shrilly voice echoed around her. 'You are all in danger of being wiped off the Wizard census if you don't find it!'
'Look, can you take the hood off? You've kind of lost the mystery by telling me where I am anyway.' Hermione turned head from side-to-side, hoping she was vaguely looking towards the two men holding her arms.
Rabastan pulled the hood off. Hermione remained by the front door with Rabastan and Fenrir as they watched the chaos of Malfoy Manor. Death Eaters ran in and out of the entrance hall, coming and going from different rooms, randomly yelling Accio every so often. Even Draco and Harry could be seen every few minutes.
'This is your fault, Miss Granger,' Snape drawled as he wandered over to them, his robes billowing on a non-existent wind.
'So I've been told, I've just not aware of the details.'
'You gave him a phone – what were you thinking?' he asked, folding his arms.
Fenrir and Rabastan chose that moment to leave Hermione with the Potions teacher, not wanting to get caught in one of their arguments. Hermione was already unpredictable with the wedding stress.
'I was sick of all the mixed signals about our Truce Year. It made it easier to get hold of him when one of your lot didn't check their calendars,' Hermione said firmly, folding her own arms with a huffy sigh.
'That's all well and good, but Potter showed him Instagram, Twitter, Facebook and TikTok,' Snape snapped.
Hermione pinched the bridge of her nose, shaking her head as she did. 'That boy and his social media – hang on! How do you know about social media?'
Snape's lips went into a thin line as he narrowed his eyes at her. Hermione held the gaze without wavering.
'I'll find out eventually,' she pointed out, watching a Death Eater fly – literally fly – across the entrance hall, followed by a raging Voldemort, wand pointed him.
'You might be right,' Snape said once Voldemort had disappeared into another room. With a deep breath, which was let out in a long, heavy sigh, he reluctantly told her, 'I can neither confirm nor deny that his Dark Lord has made us take part in one… maybe two videos for TikTok.
'I can also neither confirm nor deny that said videos went viral. Across all platforms.'
Hermione bit down hard on her bottom lip. It took her a moment before she felt safe to speak without laughing. 'And what else?'
Snape visibly ground his teeth together, before talking through them, 'He is now an Instagram influencer and every photo must be taken at least thirty times. In. Every. Position.'
Hermione clapped a hand on his upper arm. 'Consider yourself one of us. This is exactly what Harry's being doing to us all whenever he finds his way home!'
'FOUND IT!' Draco's voice called out from somewhere upstairs. 'IN THE BATHROOM!'
'For merlin's sake,' Snape muttered, walking away from Hermione.
Other Prompts Used:
Spring Seasonal
- Days of the Year & Religious Events - 13th May - (dialogue) 'I'll not rest till I have my [object].'
- Aquarium Month - 9. The Fishnet - Write about someone being captured/kidnapped
- World Theatre Day - 19. 'Consider yourself one of us.'
- Crayon Day - 36. Mahogany
- Spring Colours - 13. Marigold
- Spring Flowers - 7. 'I have cake.' / 'Then i am your friend.'
June Writing Club
- Bromance to Romance - 13. (dialogue) 'Stand back! I'm going to try science!'
- Showtime - 11. (dialogue) 'You might be right.'
- Angel's Archive - 7. (word) Wise
- Scamander's Case - 5. (word) Danger
- The Forecast Says... 4th Curious
Go Beyond!
- Step 2 - 6. (group) Death Eaters
Crystal Maze
- Hermione - Diagon Alley - 6. Malfoy Manor
Yearly
- Fantastic Beasts - 74. Gandaberunda - (Character) Voldemort/Tom Riddle
- 365 - 292. (action) Petting an animal